Mirror Image - A Rika Pseudo-Route

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Capn-Cold
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Mirror Image - A Rika Pseudo-Route

Post by Capn-Cold » Sun Nov 29, 2020 11:56 pm

So.

This is a very large jump from the two one-shots I’ve posted before (and hopefully it'll end me clogging up the recent posts too). What gives, right? I’ve been asking myself that too. See, for a very long while I’ve been in a bit of a downward spiral when it comes to writing. Any sort of writing, really. I’ve not had the will to write that much, ideas didn’t come that often, and when they did they didn’t get very far. Lately, though, I’ve found myself a little reinvigorated in that regard, and when I decided to try writing KS stuff I found a lot more prompts coming at me. Not all good, not all bad, but just coming was good enough.

So! I decided to try my hand at something lengthier, and decided to write out an ‘intro’ to Rika, a character that I’ve always liked. And it came… Pretty easily. So I go to sleep that night feeling decent about my ability to write. Except I can’t exactly stop thinking about what could come after that intro. And come the next morning that turned into thinking about it more, and plotting it out more, and changing up parts of the intro, and all of a sudden I’m pretty sure I just started a pseudo-route. After seeking a bit of spiritual guidance from both Chatty Wheeler and Mirage (who I both can’t possibly thank enough), I eventually decided to actually just go ahead and do that. Might as well, right?

But Capn, aren’t there already several Rika routes?
Yeah, maybe. This was a major reason that I was a little apprehensive about actually… Going through with it. I was even tempted, for a bit, to reset my creative sails and try an OC Pseudo-Route instead, but I am a lot more apprehensive at that idea. Not to say I’d never do it, but writing a character route from scratch rather than from some basic guidelines is a little terrifying to me at the moment.

And as well as that, I do really like Rika. I have, in fact, readily consumed every Rika route that’s on the site at current (another reason I was wary of writing - what if I just steal ideas by mistake?). But to me, a lot of them miss the mark just a little bit. Firstly, reading through the original april fools post has always evoked a very particular image of the girl in my head, in terms of personality. Personally, looking at the other routes with Rika, I feel like none of them really hit that nail on the head. If anything, reading through other routes really strengthened my own personal perception of the character just by merit of contrast.

Secondly, though, is her condition itself. I’ve noticed that a lot of people treat Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome as being very much like ‘Arrhythmia, again’, which while not necessarily wrong - there are similarities by merit of having a weaker heart - it’s also not necessarily right. HLHS comes with a lot of unique issues and ideas that almost entirely go unnoticed within routes, which I think is a shame. In my mind, if you’re using something like this for a character, the least you can do is present it fully (not a shout against any author, by the by! That’s just personal philosophy coming into play). Thinking about how these other parts of HLHS affect Rika’s characterisation and personality is a pretty big part of why I want to write this.

So… Yeah, that little tangent in mind, I wanna give it my all and see what I can do. Story starts below, beginning in Act One but only really portraying scenes with Rika for the sake of not wasting time with what we’ve all read before. I'll remove this particular comment in a while, but I'm posting the first two scenes together, just because I feel like the first is a little weaker by merit of being pure 'intro' stuff. I'll take the critique and comments levelled at them and apply them to the two scenes of the second half of the act as well :)

Act One
Invisible Thread
Wooden Heart
Last edited by Capn-Cold on Mon Nov 30, 2020 7:39 am, edited 4 times in total.

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Re: Mirror Image - A Rika Pseudo-Route

Post by Capn-Cold » Sun Nov 29, 2020 11:59 pm

Invisible Thread
(Takes Place after Short Sharp Shock - Hisao, rather than just meandering at lunch and then going to class, ends up going to the Nurses office instead. Follows a slight alter to In the Nursery, in which the end of the conversation is interrupted by Rika arriving to the office - They don’t exchange any conversation, so there’s no point writing it here :) )

Left alone in the hallway, I let out a breath that I wasn’t aware I was holding.

I didn’t even manage to get far from the third-floor hallway before receiving a reminder of why I was here. My hand touches my chest before I really notice it, double-checking what I was already aware of.

… It was fine. A regular heartbeat. Or as regular as I ever could have, anyway. But even with that reassurance, I can’t get rid of the concern that weighs down on my shoulders. I’d felt okay then too, didn’t I? But months later here I was, in a school that - for all attempts to tell me otherwise - was for people like me.

Broken people.

I brush that depressive thought away as quickly as possible, but the concern still hangs over me. Despite there not being a single part of me that actually wants to, I find myself wandering out of the building and towards the auxiliary building that hosts the Nurse. Sure enough, on making my way to the office I am met by the same smile I’d seen two days before. It falters slightly on seeing me but regains its posture like it never left.

“Well hello there, Mr. Nakai. I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon. I would’ve tidied the place up if I knew.’

He grins at his own joke. The room, save for perhaps an extra coffee cup ring, is in the exact same state as it was last I was here. I can’t quite decide if that state actually is clean, though.

“So, what can I do for you?”

“I, uh…”

I really don’t want to make it sound like a bigger deal than it was. I take a second to consider my words.

“... I uh, got knocked. And I checked my own rhythm and everything feels fine but…”

I falter alongside the nurse's expression, as a serious look enters his face.

“Taking the assumption that you are following my advice, would I be right in saying that this ‘knock’ came in the pigtailed variety?”

Clearly, the slight bit of surprise that entered my face was an answer in itself. The Nurse sighs and shakes his head.

“Emi has been reprimanded for her behaviour a few times now. I’ll have to have a word with he-”

“No!”

I surprise even myself with the insistence. Nurse pauses and cocks a singular eyebrow at me.

“I-I mean… I don’t want her to get into any trouble. It really wasn’t her fault, it just sort of happened. And she doesn't… She doesn’t, uh, know… That...”

That I was broken. That a hard knock could’ve killed me there and then. That I was always that close to death. I didn’t expect Nurse to tell her what was wrong with me… But if she knew I’d come here, after saying I didn’t need it, she might work out that something was wrong with me.

It sounds stupid, putting it like that. Of course something was wrong with me. I’d ended up at this school, hadn’t I? It didn’t take a genius to work out I had all my limbs, and the ability to talk and see. It was clearly something inside, but the idea of someone really knowing that...

I was torn away from my thoughts by a look from Nurse, a frown disrupting his features.

“Hisao, do you know how many people come to me here?”

The question threw me off guard, but before I could even start to answer the Nurse continued.

“Every single student in this school. Not necessarily in person, but I’ve seen every single file that they bring with them. And for all those I have seen in person, I’ve seen enough to tell you that you’re not the first person to be sheepish about why they’re here, or of any problems they’re currently having. I would have a much easier job if everyone came to me when they needed to.”

He takes a moment, to allow his words time to sink in.

“... The point is, you and a lot of the people in this school have something you’re carrying with them. Some people have the baggage of something that happened, some people only have the baggage of how their life has changed. But almost everyone has something weighing down on them. It becomes a lot easier to get used to the weight if you trade it off sometimes.”

He pauses, then flashes me another grin, and returns to his usual expression in a moment as if he had never dropped it.

“Still, I have to thank you for coming here. Truly a model certain people should learn to follow. And, per your wishes, I won’t exchange any comments to Miss. Ibarazaki about your situation. As long as you promise to give what I’ve told you some thought.”

I take a second. What he said definitely made some sense, but… Was it really something I could see myself doing? Feeling better for telling people I was that fragile? I didn’t know. But...

… I could think about it. That was all he was asking me to do. I nod.

“I… Yeah, I promise.”

His grin somehow got wider.

“Excellent. Well, we can get onto why you’re here then. Hop up on the table for me, and take off your shirt.”

I do exactly as he asks, and shortly after I feel the cold of a stethoscope against my chest. A minute passes in relative silence, beyond a reminder to ‘breathe normally’ and occasional other sounds from the Nurse. Sharply, he moves away and flashes me another grin.

“Nothing out of the ordinary.”

I’m about to reply when I notice the door moving behind the Nurse. I glance over, and everything seems to freeze as I make eye contact with the same girl I saw here yesterday. She likewise stops in place, those strikingly scarlet pupils blinking with mild surprise. The nurse catches my look and spins on a heel.

“Miss Katayama, I will be with you in a minute if you could please wait outside. I’d offer you some literature on knocking, but we’re all out.”

I can almost hear the widened grin on his face from his own, terrible joke. As I hurriedly threw my shirt back on, I could see glimpses of the girl - Katayama - nodding and turning to leave, dragging the door shut behind her. Standing up from the table, I see the nurse had turned back around already.

“Sorry about that. It slipped my mind to use the curtains. Won’t happen again.”

His tone certainly seems apologetic, even if his face didn’t really betray that.

“In any case, you’re fine. It seems nothing but your pride is permanently hurt. Nonetheless, I would recommend you avoid anything too strenuous for the rest of the day. Certainly no blonde cannonballs either.”

I nod, unsure of what exactly to say. He gestures towards the door lightly.

“Feel free to leave. You probably have enough time to go grab some food, at a nice leisurely walking pace. If you could send Miss Katayama in on your way out, that’d be good of you.”

I choose to nod again and walk towards the door before opening it and stepping through. For a second time, I make eye contact with this other girl. This is the first time I’ve really had a chance to take in her features beyond a single glance. I pause for a second before I finally notice her apprehension and clear my throat.

“Uh… You can go in now.”

She nods, very curtly, and quickly ducks past me into the room.

I start to wander down the hall in a vague attempt to go get lunch, thoughts whirling in my head. That girl was… Well, the first person here beyond Nurse to see the scar. It made her the only student here to really have an idea of what was wrong with me. It was a worrying thought that was hard to shake, but… she seemed a little out of it when I saw her outside of the office. Maybe she felt bad for interrupting?

I pause. I certainly didn’t do anything to assuage any concerns she had. And, as much as Nurse wasn’t the most terrifying faculty member I had ever seen, I’m sure any comments he made wouldn’t make her much better. A hint of resolve hits me, and I turn back the way I had come. I mean, I could at the least tell her she didn’t have anything to worry about.

For the third time, my thoughts are interrupted by that moment of eye contact. Both myself and Katayama pause in the hall, and it’s at this moment that I realise that I didn’t exactly have much of a conversation plan. It didn’t exactly help, then, that the girl seems content to just stare back.

“I, uh… Just wanted to say that you don’t have to worry, or anything. I’m not that bothered by it.”

I clearly haven’t done what I set out to, even with that white lie. The girl seems more concerned now than she was outside of the office. Her brows furrow in thought and she looks down.

“I didn’t know I was meant to be worried. Should I be?’

Her eyes flit up back to mine.

“I… I just thought you were. You looked…”

I falter. She blinks in slight confusion, then offers a light shrug of her shoulders.

“I wasn’t.’

‘Oh. Then, um…’

I’m about to completely give up when the girl speaks again.

‘I’ve never seen you here before.’

‘Oh, uh, yeah. I just started at the start of the week…” She doesn’t speak again, but looks at me with some expectation in her eyes. It takes me a little moment to catch on, but she doesn’t say anything. “... My name is Hisao Nakai. But uh, just Hisao works.”

A soft nod. She pauses, eyes drifting away from me as she considers something in her mind. Just as quickly as she looked away did those eyes look back at me with a piercing gaze.

“My name is Rika Katayama. But just Rika works.”

I nod, slowly. That was… Well, something at least. Once again I’m about to bid her farewell when she keeps me there with just another statement.

“You have something wrong with your heart.”

I wince. It was certainly a packed day for that reminder. The girl pauses, eyes looking away again before they return.

“I’m sorry if that was a faux pas. But I saw your scar, so I worked it out. Or I think I did.”

“It’s… It’s fine. You’re right, at least.”

Normally, I would’ve taken more of an argumentative stance. Even with the reality that she had seen my scar head-on. But Nurse’s advice was still fresh in my mind. Who better to test run it with than a complete and utter stranger that I would probably never see again? I take a deep breath before I continue.

“I have arrhythmia. It means my heartbeat is irregular, so any strain can put me at risk of having a heart attack.”

She nods, slowly. She takes a while to muse over my words and murmurs a touch as she looks down.

“So… We are the same… Is that what you’re saying?”

“... What?”

I blink in surprise and she looks back up.

“I mean that I have a heart issue too. Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. One half of my heart is smaller than the other, so I had to get surgeries when I was little to fix it. But it can... still cause problems now.”

I must look like a fish out of water right now. I’m astutely aware that my mouth is hanging open a little, and I make an effort to close it. I mean, it makes sense that someone else here would have a condition like mine - There’s a reason I was sent here, after all, and I’m not the only person in Japan with a heart condition. But having them - her - right here in front of me feels nothing short of weird. Especially given she was the first person I’d told about my condition.

What are the chances of that, huh?

The bell drags me out of my stupor. I offer an apologetic look.

“I uh... guess we should be going?”

She nods, lightly, and we set out towards the main campus in silence. I cast occasional glances at her. I did have more questions about her, naturally. Her hair, skin, and eyes alone all raise some, let alone everything about our shared problem. But it didn’t seem like the time. It was a little ironic. Here I was, stressed about people knowing about my condition while wanting to throw every question I had at someone else with the same thing. Eventually, she pauses, and I can see she intends to walk another way. Her eyes flicker away again before she looks back. Her brow furrows for a second before she nods, turns, and leaves me alone in the corridor. I make my way back to class.

The afternoon class passes uneventfully. I read most of the book I had started yesterday. The class is tiresome, and I let my mind wander back to the only other person I knew with a broken heart.
Last edited by Capn-Cold on Mon Nov 30, 2020 8:16 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: Mirror Image - A Rika Pseudo-Route

Post by Capn-Cold » Mon Nov 30, 2020 12:11 am

Wooden Heart
(Takes place after Foot and Mouth - Alternate choice to getting supplies.)

Much as I’m in need of settling in with something that wasn’t cafeteria food, I really can’t bring myself to head into town. Maybe it was the concept of the route I’d have to take to get there. The hill. The stress it might put on my heart. That ever so constant chance that something might go wrong, with no-one around to help.

Maybe I just feel lazy. It’s hard to tell the difference.

Without a doubt in either scenario, though, is the fact that my heart is at the forefront of my mind way more than I’d like it to be. It’s almost beginning to become a nervous, instinctual reaction to any concept. ‘Could I handle it?’ It’s a little sad, but it’s better than the alternative.

… Nurse might be right. If this morning was any judge of character, I’m not sure if running and I agree with each other, but I have to do something to improve my health if I want to get rid of the spirit over my shoulder. I sigh, looking around and setting my eyes on a footpath. My eyes flicker up to the waning sun. That’s… Probably enough time.

I’ve nothing better to do. I may as well start now.



I quickly come to the decision that walking aimlessly is a lot more enjoyable without depressing thoughts. I suppose the health benefits outweigh that by quite a bit, but it’s hard to really take that in right now. I’ve walked around the school on a path that I occasionally recognise and ended up towards the back of the dormitories. A little disappointing, all things considered. I’m about to leave when something catches my eye; an almost hidden away iron gate, like a much more disused version of the one towards the entrance. Beyond it, a clear path into somewhat dense trees.

I glance up at the sky again. I still have some energy in me, and I don’t quite feel like heading back to pass out quite yet. I might as well take a brief detour into the woods before I head back. I wander over and open the gate before shutting it behind me. The path splits in two fairly early on, one heading deeper into the woods and the other seeming to loop around it. The latter might be a little more sensible. At least it’d still get some small light from the school if it got darker than I expected it to.

Progress comes harder than it should. The path isn’t the hardest in the world after all and besides a gradual incline there’s not too much pressure, but I still feel my legs burning relatively short into my amble. Maybe doing this the same day I had tried running for the first time in months was a poor idea. I start to turn, having made the decision that calling it a night might be-

Thu-Thump.

Fuck.

It’s like something grabs my heart and tries to yank it out of my chest. Surprise knocks me off balance and I have to catch myself on a tree before I really know it. My free hand grabs my chest, crumpling my shirt as I try and focus on my breathing.

Not here. Not now. Anything but that.

My eyes squeeze shut. Pain chokes my chest with every beat of my heart, and it takes all my will to stop myself from audibly swearing. Stay Calm. Don’t panic. Gradually, with every strained beat, the pain begins to recede. Despite it feeling like it took a hundred years, it couldn’t have been more than a minute. I focus on getting my breathing back into place, then move to let myself fall against the tree.

Stupid. I’m so stupid. For a second there, I almost let myself think I was having normal difficulties. That I was just a bit out of shape and that everything would be better if I just did some self-care once in a while. But none of that was true. None of that applies to me. Every time I step even a tiny bit further, every time I accidentally go too far… If someone else accidentally bumps into me, I might just die. ‘Normal’ wasn’t exactly in the cards for me. I feel my knuckles close tight, and I don’t make a single move to change that.

Sitting in the dimming light and just forgetting about the world seems entirely on the tables for me. I certainly can’t say that I have anything I’d rather do than wallow in my misery at the moment.

“You’re not okay.”

Surprise fills me up quickly. My eyes open, and I glance up. For a second, I’m sure that I already died and that this pale figure ahead of me was death coming to collect. I take a second to reject that thought entirely before I take a second look.

“Oh… Hey Rika.”

I do my best to sound nonchalant, and the lack of much of a reaction from her almost makes me believe I somehow succeeded. She looks away for a second and then looks back. “Do you want me to… Go get the Nurse? But that’d take a little bit, and I’m not sure being on your own would be good… But then, if you had another attack with just me I don’t know if I could help much…” Her brow furrows, and all I can do is look on in mild surprise. She… Sure got herself tangled in her own thought process quickly.

“No, it’s…” I take a moment to choose my word choices carefully, even as she stops talking and focuses back over to me, silently observing. “I’m okay. I just need to sit for a while.”

She nods. An awkward silence drops over the two of us, although I seem to be the only one feeling it. Rika looks on at me without any real expectation in her eyes, just a soft stare that occasionally breaks as her eyes flicker away for a moment. I recall she had done the same when I had bumped into her in the hall but resolved not to ask anything about it. I pause, thinking things over. I would really rather not just sit in silence, even if she was absolutely fine with it…

“So… Why are you out here, anyway?” Her eyes flicker over to mine, and she takes a moment to consider the question.

“I was bored.”

“Isn’t that…” I falter in my questioning, but she peers on nonetheless, waiting for me to finish speaking. “... A little dangerous? With your condition?”

Her shoulders move up gently, that long white ponytail lightly moving behind her as she does so. “I know my limits.” Her face didn’t betray much in the way of emotion, but her eyes peered on at me, saying exactly what she left unspoken. Why don’t you?

I let out a laugh that sounds more bitter than I meant it too, and spit out a response that doesn’t sound much better. “Guess I’ve not had the time to learn that yet myself.”

Her gaze is disrupted by a flick away, but it returns a moment later. She pauses for a second as if aiming to pick the right words, and I worry that I might have hurt her feelings there.

“Hm. There’s better places to find out than here.”

Or maybe not.

“I… guess. But I didn’t exactly choose the place. It just… Happened?” I offer a helpless shrug, looking down. “I guess I just let myself forget, and it bit me.”

She seems to pause, and as I look up I’m surprised to see her smile a little, though it's only for a moment. “You… Forgot?”

“Yeah, I-”

I pause, even as she looks on expectantly. I was going to be bitter and point out that I thought I wasn’t broken, but… Here and now, in the company of someone else with the same problem as me, that felt strangely disagreeable. I settle on how to continue, sighing softly. “I dunno. It just snuck up on me, is all.”

She nodded, softly. Eyebrows furrowed for a moment as she thought something over. It was… Cute. I hadn’t really picked up on it before this point, but it definitely was a cutesy trait, even without the benefit of light. Wait… I take the opportunity to glance behind me, to a dark skyline that was suspiciously missing a sun.

Huh. Guess it had been longer than I realised.

“That isn’t… Great.” I turn, focusing on her again. Her eyes flicker away but she continues despite it. “Shouldn’t you be… More aware of things? I mean, it’s a big deal.”

Her eyes dance back up by the time she finishes her sentence, and she stares at me intently. It’s weird, though. Despite the fact that she’s always staring so deeply, it's not felt intrusive. It’s almost like... She’s looking at me. Not through me, not into me. Square at what she’s been given.

“I… Guess so.” I manage a weak grin. “But this is only really the… Second time. I-”

The first was back then. My stomach drops, and my throat tightens up. It’s amazing, how the thought of then still brings me to a standstill like that. How much of a hold that one specific memory has on me.

Thankfully, Rika seems to notice that much. “I understand. I guess not everyone is so… Lucky to have been identified at a young age.” She laughed lightly under her breath, soft and girly. It was a strange comparison to the distance I’d seen in most of her body language, but she didn’t seem to notice.

She pauses and furrows her brows again. It’s refreshingly easy to read this girl. Having spent some time with Rin really makes it easy to appreciate little things like that. Much to my surprise, she shifts and sits down opposite me. Clearly, I show that surprise in my expression, as she offers a little shrug.

“I assume you’re not moving anywhere soon.” Eyes, darting away.

Well, I might have been about to, but any willpower to get moving drains as she sits down.

“I do this a lot, you know.”

“What?”

“Sit out here. In the woods, I mean. Not this specific tree. It is a very nice spot, though. I might have to remember it.” Her eyes darted back. Appraising my reaction before she spoke again. “If you find the right spot, it’s like… You can find your own little world. If you’re quiet enough, sometimes the only thing you can hear is your heart.”

I momentarily frown a little, but her lack of reaction suggests that I got away with it. Or maybe I didn’t. It’s awfully hard to tell. She seems content to observe a conversation, even when she’s part of it. It’s… I’m not sure what to call it. From what I’ve gathered from our fragments of conversation, though, it’s something very Rika.

We sit there. Neither of us is willing to speak, to break this crafted silence. I turn my head, looking towards the School. It can feel so oppressive inside, but from here, at this time, it’s calm. A few souls can be caught moving, heading into the dormitories, but there’s an overwhelming tranquility to all.

And she’s almost right. All I can hear is the wind rustling the trees above, and the uneven beating of my heart.

Some time passes. I’m not sure of how long exactly, but it can’t have been too time-consuming. I shift, sighing as I pull myself up. Glancing down, there's that shade of scarlet, looking up at me. “We should probably get going.” Deja vu. She nods and stands up, a little more fluidly than me.

We walk in silence back to the dorms, but it's a comfortable one. Nothing has to be said, so no one speaks. She’s the first to pause, eyes looking towards the direction of the women’s dorms. Her eyes dance back, focusing back on mine. After a moment, she offers a smile.

“Thank you, Hisao.” She pauses, and that little furrowed brow appeared again. “And… Make sure to go see the Nurse after classes.”

She turns and walks away before I have the chance to respond to either point, leaving me alone in the courtyard. It doesn’t take me long to go my own way, sneaking towards my room as quietly as possible to avoid any late night encounters with a bespectacled neighbour. I make a slight attempt to get some work done, but soon my own tiredness overtakes me. Tonight's banquet of pills are taken, I strip off my (now slightly dirty) uniform, and I drop into bed.

I’m pretty sure I’m asleep the moment I hit the pillow.

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Re: Mirror Image - A Rika Pseudo-Route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:45 pm

Okay, so a few comments:
(Takes Place after Short Sharp Shock - ...)
Rather than a whole explanatory paragraph try to include that information in the story, e.g. Starting the story with "After the pigtailed girl has vanished around the corner I'm left with Shizune and Misha in the hallway..." That would provide enough context. And later on:
I glance over, and everything seems to freeze as I make eye contact with the same girl I saw here yesterday.
"...I make eye contact with a girl. I've seen her coming out of the nurse's office when I was last here two days ago, but we didn't talk..."
Also to avoid explanatory text (and a small continuity fix).
Her hair, skin, and eyes alone all raise some,
You haven't actually included a description of her so far...
and I can see she intends to walk another way.
Wasn't she going to visit the nurse?
(Takes place after Foot and Mouth - Alternate choice to getting supplies.)
Yup. About that much is all that is needed.
If this morning was any judge of character
A morning cannot be a judge of character. It can, for example, be "anything to go by"

Other than that there's still the issue with tenses. Not as bad as in the Kenji story, but you still slip into past tense a number of times. As I said before I suggest getting one or two proofreaders.

Nothing much to say about content after just two chapters...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Mirror Image - A Rika Pseudo-Route

Post by Capn-Cold » Mon Nov 30, 2020 2:59 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:45 pm
explanatory paragraph
Yeah that's fair. I'll trim that significantly, methinks.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:45 pm
no desc
See, I think I was too locked in the headspace of 'if this was an actual route he would have described her in the prior scene and thus it's not needed here', but with hindsight and having it pointed out that might not be the best for narrative content.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:45 pm
Wasn't she going to the nurse?
The intent was to implicate that Hisao had spent enough time walking, thinking it over and then coming back for that meeting to have concluded, but re-reading for the thousandth time I do see that's a little unclear. I'll get to that change whenever I do the others.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:45 pm
Proofreader
I have since conscripted somebody to that exact role. I tend to get a little hyper-focused on some things though, so I will admit this section was a little sped through that process. Subsequent scenes are being dragged through that though, so hopefully that issue starts to clear up!

I'll make the edits you mentioned when I wrap up some odds and ends.

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Re: Mirror Image - A Rika Pseudo-Route

Post by Oddball » Tue Dec 01, 2020 8:46 pm

See, I think I was too locked in the headspace of 'if this was an actual route he would have described her in the prior scene and thus it's not needed here', but with hindsight and having it pointed out that might not be the best for narrative content.
This is your route now. If you want something described you need to describe it yourself.

The story itself isn't too bad. I'm not so sure about Hisao deciding to take a walk in the woods at this point. He never exactly seemed like a nature lover, but it's a small complaint.
Not Dead Yet

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