Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pain (OC Story)

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Mirage_GSM
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Location: Germany

Re: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pain (OC Story)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Nov 17, 2020 7:51 pm

Big hello scary german wizard man who initially scarred younger me off from ever posting anything on this forum years ago.
Sorry about that - it was never my intention...
In fact I didn't even realize until Feurox invited me to the discord server that I had acquired something of a reputation over the years...
I never tried to. I enjoy reading the stories here, and I try to give something back in the form of feedback. If my negative feedback tends to be more... elaborate than my positive feedback it's because I feel it is fair to give good reasons for negative feedback instead of just writing "That story bad".
Also because I think constructive negative feedback is more helpful than simple praise - that's why even when I really like a story I always try to find something that could be improved.
And as I said your story is definitely not bad. You achived what you set out to do when you wrote it. It just happen to not match my personal tastes.
As for the question what tense to use, I don't think it matters at all.
Personally I think first-person narration is better served by using present tense while Third Person Omniscient and Third Person Limited are better suited to past tense, but I've read very good story that do it the other way around.
And I do get what you were going for - if a character "does thinking" they don't always narrate their whole backstory in their minds along the way. Still, there are ways of including the most crucial information - which i think you meant when you said you were figuring out new ways as you went along.
At least until the next chapter you may or may not read.
Yes, I am going to read it. As I said I expect that my main issue with the first chapter will not be as much of an issue going forward as your protagonist is going to interact with characters to whom he is going to have to explain stuff - or at least think about why he doesn't want to :wink:
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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NuclearStudent
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Location: chinese hyperborea with neoliberal characteristics

Re: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pain (OC Story)

Post by NuclearStudent » Tue Nov 17, 2020 8:37 pm

Image

This is who we are, now.

And sorry to offend on the American thing. I recognize differences and nuance between the subtypes of American, but temperamentally, I'm a perceptual lumper and not a splitter. I see similarities more than I do differences. To me, Islam, Judaism, and Christianity all go under "the Abrahamics," with the differences being superficial to my eyes. I also lump together the neo-Confederate Dixie, the Cali hippie, the New York grumper, and the Detroit ghetto rat as being "those Americans."

To you, as an insider, the differences are enormous and perhaps insurmountable. To my eyes as an outsider and a temperamental lumper, the distinctions are not so salient. American regionalism and particularism is more fanatic than of other countries, but I'm sure that, to a Japanese citizen, the distinctions between Okinawan culture and Tokyo culture are important. Human nature and cultures are infinitely subfractal, and it is not physically or conceptually possible for any individual to exemplify all aspects of it.

I've also spent a far amount of time thinking about my nationality, and also thinking about my racial identity. These things do matter - they are differences written in blood and soil and spirit, over which people are sometimes willing to kill for. History is written in passed-down pains, in tacit silences, in unasked questions that pass down answers. It is told through callouses on hands, the presence or absence of a mother's murmurs, the flat crinkles of plastic bags ripped open while sitting alone in the backs of aging vans. Each bullet, each hummed note, each gallon of gasoline, each cigarette, all of it is created and coloured and consumed through the lens of the culture you sit in. That culture is always and everywhere local, shaped and told by the stochastic happenstance of the people who run into your life.

Actually, I don't care so deeply anymore. An Oklahoman is not a Floridan is not a Frenchman, and a Jew is not a Christian is not a Shiite, and a Trotskyist is not a Stalinist is not a Makhnovian. Human beings have infinite variety, and I do not wish to understand most of it. Again, those are just my interests, and they have no bearing on what is true or what is worth doing.

To respond to the other points:
I didn't want to do that, my introduction post touches on this fact but I doubt anyone actually read that rambling piece of shit.
It's understandable to hope that nobody reads what you've done. I feel that too. But it's also a futile and self-defeating hope.
HEY... I never said he shoots deer... that's later in the story XD.
I mean, technically no. But this does imply it strongly enough to me to assume so.
I try to take a deep breath, steady myself. Just like how you breathe before delivering the kill shot on an elk. Just like you taught me Mike.
And on another note:
Both types of stories can be a chore to read. Front-loading a story with info can be just as bad. Optimally the information should be introduced organically as it comes up in the story, and if something doesn't come up it can be introduced later. As an example in this story, when Tyler is mentioned it would be no problem to add half a sentence explaining this Tyler's relation to the protagonist or when the photo comes up to name the people in it.
I have a different attitude to Mirage here. I don't object, in itself, to mentioning people without explaining them. Actually, I think that's more natural to how people actually think, and thus flows better.

And on the more general level, I don't believe a story should need to be easy to comprehend. I don't care about who Tyler is: what's important to me is the emotion and atmosphere of the relationship, and the ideas being evoked. Like Chatty, I approve of describing people namelessly.
To last forever.

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BristerXD
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Location: Pennsylvania

Re: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pain (OC Story)

Post by BristerXD » Tue Nov 17, 2020 8:57 pm

I... forgot I put that in there. I guess this is the problem with my style of story telling, you try to keep a lot of balls in the air you’re bound to forget where one is going and all of a sudden you’ve got a bloody nose and a disappointing circus.

And I’m glad your comments came not from a willful ignorance of American culture but a willful ignorance to culture as a whole. That’s much more comforting so I accept your apology and will now take this into considering anytime you say anything XD. Like I said, I think I was just mostly butthurt because a lot of this story hinges on that nuance you so graciously toss away. It’s certainly an interesting perspective that you hold. And you are right, I am certainly a splitter of lumber and a lot of my writing tends to deal with that fact. We are just different people and I hope this all has help us reach a more common ground.

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NuclearStudent
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Re: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pain (OC Story)

Post by NuclearStudent » Wed Nov 18, 2020 3:25 am

Haha.

I have a friend from Azerbaijan who I've offended multiple times by confusing Azerbaijan with Armenia. The difference is important enough for cultural genocide to be committed and for people to be shot and blown up over it. I'm not proud of my ignorance. I'm sure if I looked into the issue, one side would be more righteous than the other. He's a proud nationalist and loyal to his country against the enemy, and I can't distinguish the two from each other.

People joke about Americans being culturally ignorant, but people can be ignorant anywhere you go.
To last forever.

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Mirage_GSM
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Location: Germany

Re: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pain (OC Story)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Nov 18, 2020 2:50 pm

Well, to be fair there are some nuances of american culture that elude me as well.
In this story specifically it was mentioning certain states like Wyoming... and I think there was another.
I'm sure those states have their reputations just like the states of my home country have a reputation for me, but those references I just don't get.
Not really a problem, though which is why I didn't mention it until it specifically came up just now.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Xeraeo
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Location: Chicago(ish), United States

Re: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pain (OC Story)

Post by Xeraeo » Tue Nov 24, 2020 11:42 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 2:50 pm
Well, to be fair there are some nuances of american culture that elude me as well.
In this story specifically it was mentioning certain states like Wyoming... and I think there was another.
I'm sure those states have their reputations just like the states of my home country have a reputation for me, but those references I just don't get.
Not really a problem, though which is why I didn't mention it until it specifically came up just now.
Wyoming has a reputation for being beautiful, sparsely populated... and not much else. Lowest population density in the country, gorgeous national forests and parks. And large Native American reservations. That's about all there is to it, at least from someone living about 1,000 miles away.

I also don't remember if or when it was mentioned. I think Colt is from Kentucky, which is slightly further than I am from Wyoming.

Anyway, didn't even know Germany had states, so may I claim the ignorance prize?

Oh, and Nuke, Azerbaijan and Armenia have also gotten mixed up in my head many times. I think Armenia is closer to Turkey. Maybe.
Girls: Emi=Hanako=Lilly>Shizune=Rin
Routes: Lilly=Emi>Hanako>Rin>Shizune

(Name is pronounced "Zero". Stole it from Quake, I think)

My projects here:
To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)
Rebound - A Post Lilly NE Epilogue / Iwanako Story (On Hold)

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