Evolution Fuel - Rika Pseudo Route

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SuperEgo
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Evolution Fuel - Rika Pseudo Route

Post by SuperEgo » Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:26 pm

Hey, I haven't written anything creatively like this in a long while, so if this sucks don't be too harsh.

Wanted to do a Rika route for a while now, mainly because what little there is has never hit the nail on the head for me like some other pieces have. I think I'm just too particular. Decided to get off my ass and try my own hand instead of hoping for someone else to come along. Hopefully, this ends up being something people enjoy. This is a first for me writing fanfiction too, so any advice or comments are welcome.

As an aside, the title is subject to change. It sounds cool and it fits with what I want to do, but I feel as though I can still do better. If that happens I'll alert people to the change so this doesn't get lost.
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ACT 1: Coagulation

Chapter 1: Dextrocardia

I really have to watch where I'm going.

The irony of this situation is not lost on me. Only yesterday did Emi crashed into me and now I've done the same thing to some girl I don't even know. Fortunately, this girl had received the memo about running in the hall and listened to it. But rounding a corner trying to escape a very awkward argument between a blind girl and a deaf girl, both of whom are trying to pull you in and pick a side in said argument which you have no real understanding or stake in, would make anyone want to get as far away as they could. In hindsight, I could have just toughed it out and ignored them; that would have likely been the smarter move. But Shizune seems the type to take extreme offence at being ignored and Lilly would not have taken it any better I imagine. I had to make up some excuse about remembering to meet my hallmate before class about some debt he owed me, which is not entirely untrue. He does still owe me for what I think was a pizza. Ah, wait, no...I mumbled that but halfway through I stumbled onto a different excuse to go use the restroom. I don't know if they bought it, or really even heard, but I slipped away before either could stop me. I ended up wandering down the stairs to the second floor, no destination in mind except, you know, away.

Which brings us to the here and now: myself looming over some second-year girl after making a very Emi-esque move and not looking where I was going as I rounded a corner. At least I wasn't running full tilt while carrying something, but the girl still fell down. She must not have the best balance. Ah, wait, don't tell me that's got to do with her....issue.
"Uh, sorry about that. I wasn't looking where I was going." I venture, now that the guilt of possibly seriously injuring this girl due to a careless bump had manifested itself. Given how it's been a few moments and she hasn't made any attempt to get up, that might have actually happened. I walk over to her to take a closer look. I must have run into her from behind given how she's lying face down. I didn't knock her unconscious did I? There's some sort of way you're supposed to position her in that case right? Like, on her side...and something about putting a wallet in her mouth so she doesn't swallow her tongue. Or is that for seizures?

As I'm about to roll her over and put her in the patented Hisao Nakai I-Think-This-Is-The-Recovery position, she starts to shift and prop herself up on her elbows. I breathe a sigh of relief that I wouldn't be forced to try to figure out how to lay her before I went to get help. Such relief is shortlived, as at this distance I can see her whole body shudder with each breath, uttering almost inaudible whimpers occasionally. Her braid hangs down and obstructs my view of her face so I cannot see if it is scrunched up due to pain. I contemplate reaching out to her but....well, I still don't know what's wrong with her. I broke a bone playing soccer once, when I was real young. I remember having unsteady breathing and not knowing how to deal with the pain. She might be here because she has some disease that maker her bones susceptible to breakage and me bumping into her broke something. If I tried to help her up, I could put pressure on the wrong place and make matters even worse.

All this introspection is pointless in the end, as while I'm fretting and figuring what I ought to do, the girl takes a deep, shaky breath and pushes herself up to a better position.

"Man, you had me scared that I'd knocked you out or broke something." A pause for a short inner dialogue, "...I didn't actually break something did I?"

She turns to look in my direction, her eyes taking a moment before I can tell they've fully registered my presence. "No...not....knocked out." Her breathing is coming out in heavy pants as she struggles to push out words, "Nothing....nothing broken either." That's a relief. A very big relief. Yet still, something is clearly wrong with her. We're not out of the woods just yet.

"You okay? You seem out of breath and you're pretty red in the face." Actually, I'm surprised I didn't notice this earlier but her skin is unusually pale. I'd think I was responsible for that too if it wasn't for the white hair and red eyes telling me the rest of what I needed to know. I speak without thinking, "Albinism, right?" only to then remember the taboo of this school. Don't ask about the elephant in the room. People will tell you if they feel like it. I clamp my big mouth shut and groan at my foolish remark. "I'm not supposed to ask about that kind of stuff so suddenly, am I? I'm new here...just....still trying to get a handle on....all of this," I spread my arms in a gesture to the entire hallway, and Yamaku at large. "Hisao Nakai, the new third-year transfer."

This earns me a tilted smile, one that I can't tell is rooted in bemusement or pity. I don't know which I'd prefer. Still, at least she doesn't look mad, even if I did bump into her. "No, that's alright. I was moving too slow anyways," comes her response as she stands up and dusts herself off. "What is a third year doing on the floor for the second years this close to class time, anyways?"

"Trying to not get drawn into an argument about festival budgets."

"Budgets? That narrows it down. Hakamichi and Satou, at it again?" I am amazed she got it so easily. Do they do this often enough for even the students below us to hear about it?

"Wow, that was quick. Yeah, they tried dragging me into it too. I'm just the new guy, why do I have to get involved in something like that anyways? It's not like it affects me." The red-eyed girl gives me a simple "Mmmm" in response, enough to signify she understands but that she wants to move along. Now is not the time to complain about the woes of the life of Mr. Nakai. I'm just bothering her, wasting her time. "Oh, sorry. I'm blabbering about nothing. We should both be getting to class, the bell is going to ring any minute now." Another strange smile at that, this one giving off discomfort and a desire to get going.

"i\It's alright. Nobody was hurt. Just please try to be more careful in the future." At this, she turns and enters into one of the nearby classrooms, leaving me out in the hall. Just then the bell rings, causing me to physically jump. Great, late for no good reason.

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"You know, you're not as heavy as you look."

I turn my head to try and look at the man pressing a cold stethoscope against my back in the eyes. "What, you calling me fat now?"
Of course, I knew he was just teasing. The nurse here exudes a jokester's aura. He always has some big smile plastered on the front of his face and is always more than willing to crack a joke to lighten the mood. Normally stuff like that feels off-putting, it comes off forced and manufactured as the jokes don't land and the humor only skims the surface so as to not cause any undue trauma but show that there is an attempt being made at cheering them up. Right now he seems to alternate between smiles and scowls.

"No, I don't think you're fat," Nurse responds, his attention focused on the precise beats and fluctuations of beats of my heart. His sentence is paused as he pulls away, evidently finished listening in. He walks around to stand in front of me and continues, "But stupid? Yeah, I think that fits you right now." I don't think nurses are supposed to call their patients stupid. I'd complain if the assessment wasn't spot on. "Listen, I know Emi can be a bit of an overachiever, but you don't have to try and match her. In fact, in light of recent events, I'd actually say you shouldn't try to, especially on the second day of running." the nurse continues. I hang my head, staring at the clean linoleum floor.

The thing is, I don't even know why I sped up to match pace with her. Ever since I was dragged off the track by a mortified Emi, my mind has been trying to unravel this mental knot. Try as I might, the reason escapes me. Am I angry, jealous of Emi, that despite her disability she can run so fast and free while I'm relegated to a pitiful trot? No, that's ridiculous. I don't hate Emi, who could hate Emi? She's been nothing but nice to me since we met, something as little as running ahead of me when she's my running partner shouldn't be enough to generate animosity between us. It also wasn't because I have any aspirations for running; the extent of my physical activity was playing pick-up games of soccer with friends from school back in the day. Of course, now I can't really do that anymore.

Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe there is no reason to my actions. Maybe it was just stupidity, plain and simple. That's easy to understand, people sometimes just do stupid things. This is probably just one of those things, not worth all these What's and Why's. I need to get outside my head, this introspection is suffocating.
"Yeah, sorry...I don't know what I was thinking. I should have been more careful, more aware."

Nurse gives it a moment, packing up and returning the stethoscope to its rightful place, saying as he does, "Well, at least you seem to understand the gravity of the situation." By the time I can see his face again, the usual smirk has come home to roost. "For what it is worth though, I am glad you showed up a second time. Knowing her, Emi probably mentioned this already, but people have a tendency to give up after the first day. It's good to see you're starting to take this stuff seriously. How are you handling your medications, by the way?"

"Fine, it was a lot to take in at first, literally, but I think now I'm-," I begin, happy to be moving in a direction away from the embarrassment of having collapsed on the track from running, when the door to the nurse's office opens. Both of our heads turn to see who the intruder is.

"Ms. Katayama, welcome. I'm a little busy here, but we're about to wrap this up. Why don't you sit out in the hall for a moment? I'll call you when I'm ready."

'Ms.' Katayama looks between the both of us a couple times before settling on me. I see it in her eyes that she recognizes me from yesterday, that sudden realization as you put face to name and it clicks into place. Hisao Nakai in her mind must click with messy brown hair, tired-looking brown eyes, third-year student, ran into me in the hall cause he wasn't paying attention...

And now she can add "massive surgery scar on the heart" to that list.

I know she's seen it. I know she's looking at it. She knows it's impolite to really stare; her eyes try to stay centered on my face but they flicker down to it every once in a while before shooting back up once they realize their mistake. I should have put my shirt back on as soon as Nurse was finished taking my vitals. I don't even know why it bothers me to show it to other people. It's been 4 months; I should be able to deal with a little bit of ogling from people who are not trained medical professionals. Of course, those 4 months were in practical isolation in the hospital. It's not even that big, yet someone seeing it still gets to me. I vainly try to shift my position to turn my chest away from her, but the placement of the examination table means I'd have to turn completely to do that and that would make my discomfort too obvious. An emotional stalemate.

This awkward moment feels like it lasts hours before Katayama gets the hint. She turns back to the nurse and gives a small nod before entering back into the hallway, closing the door behind her. It's almost immediately after she's gone that I pick up my discarded gym shirt that I use for running and put it back on, slipping it over my head. Nurse chuckles at me.

"Still got some body image problems huh? I doubt Rika or anyone else at this school is one to mind that. In fact, Rika might be one of the few who could understand completely." And what is that supposed to mean? I ask him such. "Oh, I can't tell you that, Hisao. Patient confidentiality."

"But you already broke that by telling me that stuff about 'understanding'," I retort. Nurse mock-mulls over my argument, even tapping a finger against his temple. How did that gesture come to mean 'I'm thinking very hard about something' anyways?

"Hmmm....No, I don't think I did. I have a spotless track record when it comes to confidentiality, it doesn't seem like me to go and let something slip," he says, a Cheshire grin all over his face. "Besides, if you really want to know you can always ask the person directly." Now that's a death sentence, asking someone you barely know "Hey, what's wrong with you?" In any situation it lacks tact, but here at this school it is especially egregious.

I shake my head and exhale. "Alright, is there anything else we need to talk about before I go?"

Nurse stands from behind his desk and picks up my folder and walks over to a filing cabinet, deftly swapping the one for another. "No, I think you're good to go. Looks like it was just a little flutter, nothing too serious. Still, you need to be more cautious and take care of yourself. It's good you want to do better but don't go overboard with it. Self improvement is a marathon, not a race." I nod solemnly. He's right, I'll wear myself out if I try to match someone with years of experience right out of the gate. I stand to leave and Nurse quickly adds, "Oh, and send Rika in on your way out."

Closing the door to the Nurse's office, I turn to see this Rika girl sitting in one of the few waiting chairs. It's too early in the day for there to be anyone loitering in the hall. It is just the two of here, with her sitting in the chair opposite the door. She sees me as I exit. I still feel the discomfort from before, but I can't just slink away without saying at least something.

"Hey...didn't expect to see you this soon." Okay, not a bad start.

Small nod, followed by the avoidance of eye contact. "Yes, well...I try to set these appointments before classes begin to get them out of the way. It's usually too early for most people so I rarely meet other students. I apologize for....interrupting."

My hand waves instinctively to dispel such sentiments as if they were like physical plumes of smoke, "You don't have to apologize, I should have been more careful. Anyways, you can head on in, I have to shower before class starts."

"Wait just a moment, I..." I stop halfway down the hall and turn back to face Rika. "You are...your scar. How did you get it?"

The mention of the scar draws my hand to it. My fingers run the length from bottom to the top. Once they reach the top I try to play it off casually and bring my hand to rub the back of my neck. "Well....that's still a sensitive topic for me," I muster, my eyes downcast. The red eyed girl shifts from foot to foot. She looks about as uncomfortable with this as I am, which is a relief, albeit small.

"I understand that...I was the same way for a while, I still am to some extent. But, I think, we are alike, you and I." Uh huh? Ah.....oh. Oh! Oooooh. I suppose it makes sense, I can't be the only person in all of Japan who has a heart condition. It still doesn't prevent me from being a little surprised at the closeness in age and the fact that she goes to the same school, however.

"Wait, so when I bumped into you in the hall....I gave you a little flutter when that happened, didn't I?"

I am paid a small nod, "Yes, but I didn't want to make you feel any worse. You said you were new and already looked so confused by the change in scenery and afraid that you had caused me harm." I feel the guilt from yesterday come rushing back. I know firsthand how bad these flutters can get; I don't want to inflict that on another person, even by accident.

"Did you at least visit the nurse?" I don't know why I'm asking, I saw her bolt to class after and the nurse never brought it up with me. Granted, I can't hold that against her. I avoided getting checked out when Emi barreled into me too, and if I could have I most likely would have tried to talk Emi into dropping this latest track fiasco.

My hypothesis is verified shortly. "No, I....I don't have a good excuse," Rika says. Seems we both have a knack for not doing the things we know we ought to do. "Speaking of nurses, what exactly are you doing here this early?" A quick transition from interrogatee to interrogator.

I should be honest. "Nurse...set me up with a running partner. To improve general fitness, and hopefully strengthen my heart. But today I pushed myself too hard and....crashed." Up to this point, Rika had been avoiding making direct eye contact. Throughout my explanation, however, her eyes were glued to mine, red orbs delicately saccading around a focal point. All I wanted to do was give the simple long and short of it, the facts, but those eyes of hers feel very....compelling. Like they're egging me on, her enrapture subtly motivating me to go further and open up, if just a bit more. "I don't even....I don't know why I pushed myself so much today. Nothing comes to my mind I-" The door to the nurse's office opens, interrupting my train of thought and breaking the, uh...well, spell is too magical a word I think. Maybe trance. Trance isn't too much better though because its definition is rooted in-

The Nurse barges into the hallway. "Rika, what's the hold up? If you take any longer you'll be late for class." My presence here is registered, "Hisao? What are you still doing? You're stinking up my hallway, go on, get a move on."

Rika looks somewhat disappointed as she turns away from me and walks towards the office. Just as quickly as she starts she stops and spins around to ask, "When will I see you again?" I don't have an answer to that, especially when it's phrased so weirdly. We're a grade apart so we don't have any classes and I'm not in any clubs. I tell her as much, and she ponders this for a moment before replying with, "Well...How about the festival? We could meet there maybe...I don't know, we'll do something. There's lots to do there, we'll can figure something out." Right, that's coming up pretty soon. I still haven't gotten used to keeping a schedule again, long hospital stays will do that to you. I don't think I have any plans for that day. Knowing me, I'd probably sleep in until noon and them meander around the grounds not really accomplishing anything. The day would end and I would feel like I'd wasted a great opportunity. So why not?

"Sure, that sounds like a plan." Not a well thought out or detailed plan since even she doesn't know what we'll end up doing but literally any number, no matter how small or fractured, is greater than zero. I can see the Nurse's smile grow wider and wider until it puts the Cheshire's to shame. He's got the wrong, wrong, wrong idea. Rika's smile is not as big. It's more subdued, restrained. I can still see the light that it tries to radiate, however.

"Great! I mean, great. I will see you...then. Goodbye." She spins on her heels and walks into the nurse's office. Now it's just me and Sir Smilesalot in the empty hallway.

"Hisao you move fast. I'm impressed."

"Oh, come on. It's not like that." I avoid eye contact with him to prevent my facade of indifference from shattering. This doesn't escape him. Nothing escapes the Nurse. How the hell does he manage to see so much when his eyes always look like they're closed?

"Oh, I'm sure. Anyways, hurry along now. Shower, brush your teeth, take your medicine, then get to class." With that, he retreats into his office and the door closes. What is he, my mother? Still, about that shower bit....

I look around to make sure there isn't anyone near by who could see me. Cautiously, I raise my arm and sniff myself.

I am immediately filled with regret and disgust. My nose hairs squirm under this putrid assault. My eyes sting as if forced to withstand the cutting of 1,000 onions. I become deftly aware of every air current and gust of wind in my vicinity and calculate the optimal way to stand and move so as to not subject any innocent bystanders to my incorrigible stink. I utter a silent prayer of thanks that Rika was far enough away to not breathe in my toxic fumes.

...I need to go shower. Maybe in alcohol to make sure not an ounce of sweat remains on me.
Last edited by SuperEgo on Mon Sep 14, 2020 1:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

Xeraeo
Posts: 48
Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2020 5:48 pm
Location: Chicago(ish), United States

Re: Evolution Fuel - Rika Pseudo Route

Post by Xeraeo » Fri Sep 11, 2020 12:28 pm

SuperEgo wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:26 pm
Hey, I haven't written anything creatively like this in a long while, so if this sucks don't be too harsh.
It doesn't suck. Welcome to the forum! Glad to see more people starting new works on here.

First of all, I like it so far. I enjoyed both the completed Rika fics on here, and I can't help but compare yours with them as I read. So far, your Rika seems more like the version in Through The Looking Glass, but we haven't really seen enough of her to make a judgement.

A few things:

You seem to have spaces separating some paragraphs, but not others.

SuperEgo wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:26 pm
"Budgets? That narrows it down. Shizune and Lilly, at it again?"
If she doesn't know both of them personally, it's unlikely she would refer to them by their first names. "Hakamichi and Satou" would make more sense. Of course, it's possible that your Rika has personally met both girls and knows them well enough to call them by their given names, especially since most characters in KS tend to quickly switch to given names after being introduced, but since Rika is a second year this seems unlikely, so Hisao would probably question this, at least mentally.
SuperEgo wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:26 pm
"i\It's alright. Nobody was hurt. Just please try to be more careful in the future." At this, she turns and enters into one of the nearby classrooms, leaving me out in the hall. Just then the bell rings, causing me to physically jump. Great, late for no good reason.
Looks like you were trying to include italics in here somewhere? I'm not sure where exactly.
SuperEgo wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:26 pm
I turn my head to try and look the man pressing a cold stethoscope against my back in the eyes. "What, you calling me fat now?"
Of course, I knew he was just teasing. The nurse here exudes a jokester's aura. He always has some big smile plastered on the front of his face and is always more than willing to crack a joke to lighten the mood. Normally stuff like that feels off-putting, it comes off forced and manufactured as the jokes don't land and the humor only skims the surface so as to not cause any undue trauma but show that there is an attempt being made at cheering them up. Right now he seems to alternate between smiles and scowls.
The sentence that begins with "Normally" doesn't really contrast that word later on, which makes it a bit confusing. Why is this any different from normal? If it's not, then having "normally" at the beginning is confusing.
SuperEgo wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:26 pm
"Fine, it was a lot to take in at first, literally, but I think now I'm-," I begin, happy to be moving in a direction away form the embarrassment of having collapsed on the track from running, when the door to the nurse's office opens. Both of our heads turn to see who the intruder is.
Nothing technically wrong here, but having "I begin" at the end of his dialogue as he's apparently being cut off/distracted/interrupted is a bit confusing. I have to finish the entire paragraph before the first sentence makes sense, and that confusion pulls me out of the story. My recommendation would be to slightly rewrite the second sentence and move it in front of the dialogue, and then have it cut off with the door being opened. Not sure how you would word it, and maybe there's a better way to handle it than that, but having the dialogue cut off and then not telling us about the interruption for several lines is jarring.
SuperEgo wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:26 pm
Closing the door to the Nurse's office, I turn to see this Rika girl sitting in one of the few waiting chairs. Weird how there aren't that many around here, given this is the only nurse at a school where a lot of students need regular checkups. Maybe it's too early or he's just the best at scheduling so that nobody has to wait. She sees me as I exit. I still feel discomfort from before, but I can't just slink away without saying at least something.
He's not the only nurse at the school. He's the head nurse, and the only one we see in the VN, but the "24-hour nursing staff" is referred to many times in Act 1.
SuperEgo wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:26 pm
I look around to make sure there isn't anyone near by who could see me. Cautiously, I raise my arm and sniff myself.

I am immediately filled with regret and disgust. My nose hairs squirm under this putrid assault. My eyes sting as if forced to withstand the cutting of 1,000 onions. I become deftly aware of every air current and gust of wind in my vicinity and calculate the optimal way to stand and move so as to not subject any innocent bystanders to my incorrigible stink. I utter a silent prayer of thanks that Rika was far enough away to not breathe in my toxic fumes.

...I need to go shower. Maybe in alcohol to make sure not an ounce of sweat remains on me.
Probably being nitpicky here, since I know this is just supposed to be humor, but would he really smell that bad after just a run? Hisao runs a lot in Emi's route, and I don't think this is ever brought up. I can't tell yet if you're just going for a more silly writing style, and the whole story will be filled with exaggerated humor, but if you're not, and you want it to have serious moments, you might want to alter stuff like this so it doesn't seem so ridiculous.


There's a dozen or so spelling/grammar issues I noticed on a first read as well, but I don't really want to clog up your thread with all that, so if you want any help identifying and fixing those hit me up with a PM and I'd be happy to go over them.


Anyway, hope that all helps! Good work so far, and I hope to see more from you soon!
Girls: Emi=Hanako=Lilly>Shizune=Rin
Routes: Lilly=Emi>Hanako>Rin>Shizune

(Name is pronounced "Zero". Stole it from Quake, I think)

My projects here:
Rebound - A Post Lilly NE Epilogue / Iwanako Story
To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

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Chatty Wheeler
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Re: Evolution Fuel - Rika Pseudo Route

Post by Chatty Wheeler » Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:56 am

Hello SuperEgo,

I am also a newbie here, and like Xeraeo said, I'm happy to see that you're starting a new story on these forums! Welcome. :D

This was a pleasant read! I haven't read any Rika routes yet, so it's nice seeing your take on a what's essentially a brand new character for me. I'm getting the sense that Rika is extremely perceptive to other people's thoughts and emotions, which I think could be a neat direction to take a character in this setting. When Hisao arrives at Yamaku, he's hiding a lot of internal (and one external, if you count his scar) burdens from others, and I think it'd be neat to pair him up with someone who can see right through him. It's too early to say if this is the direction that the story will take, or even if I am correct in my assertion of Rika's perceptiveness, but that's what I got from this first chapter. I thought it was something that could make Rika stand out from the other heroines in Katawa Shoujo.

Throughout this first chapter, I noticed instances where the vocabulary and phrasing in Hisao internal monologuing was used in creative ways. When Rika experiences her heart flutter and Hisao's mind is racing a mile-a-minute, Hisao's internal monologue has a lot of interesting and revealing tidbits; all of which I appreciated. I particularly like the last sentence of the chapter—it's a neat little punch-line to finish off the chapter.

One aspect of your writing that I think could use improvement is your pacing. Specifically, your monologue-to-dialogue ratio is off-balance at various points. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of the chapter, the reader has to get through a lot of Hisao's internal monologuing before any actions or dialogue occur—which I think somewhat harms the pacing of this chapter. Additionally, some of your paragraphs are quite lengthy—it wouldn't hurt to break these paragraphs up for the sake of making it easier to read, in my opinion. :D

Additionally, something that I personally found off-putting was how quickly Hisao and Rika seemed to come together. We're only one chapter in, and they've already made plans to go to the festival together, an event that doesn't happen until the end of Act 1 in the main heroine routes of Katawa Shoujo. It just felt a little bit jarring to see Hisao and Rika make so much progress in such a short amount of time. Perhaps this is your style of writing, in which case I don't want to discourage you from writing this story the way you want to, but this is just how I felt after finishing your story.

Again, this is a solid first-attempt at a fan fiction. I enjoyed reading it! I plan to read more of this when more chapters are available.

All the best to you. Take care!

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Oddball
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Re: Evolution Fuel - Rika Pseudo Route

Post by Oddball » Tue Sep 15, 2020 4:10 pm

First post and you're starting off with a pseudo route. You're not one for easing in slowly, are you?

Right now, there's not a whole lot to comment on, but some of your wording seems a bit windy and your sentences tend to run on a bit. You might want to watch that.

Anyway, Good luck to you.
Not Dead Yet

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