To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

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Xeraeo
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Xeraeo » Tue Nov 24, 2020 11:16 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm
she turns and enters the female dorm...
I emerge from the male dorm,...
Ah, one of my pet peeves. Everytime I read this I have to think of female dorms getting together with male dorms and making many small dormitories...
Well, I have this many times throughout the story, lol. It bothers me too, really, but there aren't many ways to distinguish the dorms other than guys' and girls', male and female, etc. Nice mental image though, thanks!
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm
I was practically dying yesterday after just a few laps.
Should be "this morning" unless you shuffeled around events in Act 1 a bit. "The Running Girl" is on Thursday, same as "Cold War" and "Paint by Numbers".
No, this actually takes place Friday morning, the SECOND time Hisao goes running with Emi. Scene name is "Exercise". If he takes the "Yes" option with Nurse, he runs with her again Friday morning, if I recall correctly, and then has the option to "Go for it" or something like "take it easy" on the track with her. Go for It results in him having to go to the Nurse, but locks Hisao onto the Emi route. What I'm doing here is like an alternative of the other choice, but he doesn't even get to the point of considering trying to race Emi.

I indicated when this takes place in the second sentence: "Emi was there before me, just like yesterday, and wasted no time getting me running."
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm
Glancing back, I see Emi watching me with her head tilted slightly, so I give her a little wave.
Just leaving Emi seems a bit rude. He could at least have said goodbye...
Yeah, he's being a bit of a dick here. Not the only example.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm
miso soup for both Hitomi and I
"for Hitomi and me"
Ah, I'm bad with these sometimes. Fixed. Thanks!
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm
"So, you're going to die, but you don't know when?"
That's true for most people :lol:
Indeed, and a point I think Hisao finally comes to understand by the end of Act 2. Memento Mori.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm
Anyway, I liked the way you approached Act 1, only showing the relevant parts. Some people don't like that, but for me fanfiction is not something that has to be able to stand on its own. You can assume that most readers will have already read Act 1 at least several times over.
You still took a couple of lines verbatim from the VN, which in excess is not a good thing, but here it was hardly noticeable.
Excellent. I'm glad. I settled on this approach, since I wanted to integrate her introduction into the 1st Act, without repeating or rehashing familiar territory any more than necessary. Even the few lines I stole while integrating the scenes were painful to write in, honestly, but I wanted the reader to know EXACTLY when and how these differences in the timeline took place, and how Hisao's choices and experiences led him to begin the "Hitomi Route" as opposed to one of the canon ones.

And I agree strongly with your statement on fanfiction. Anybody reading it is, almost by definition, very familiar with the source material. Otherwise, they wouldn't have a hunger for more, right?
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm
I have to admit I don't have a good grasp on Hitomi's character yet. Her reactions seem contradictory sometimes.
As they should.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm
You said this story was about opening up to each other,
No, I said it's not. That's been done. It has to be an aspect, of course, but it's not the focus of the story's primary conflict.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm
but I'm not quite sure if Hisao spilling his life story the second time they interact might not be too much of a good thing... I tried to put myself in Hitomi's place: You've just told that guy about your accident and going blind, and he responds by whining talking for over an hour about his own problems. Still not quite sure how I would react, but for some people it certainly would not come across well...
Indeed, I would react poorly to this myself. For her, I think the vulnerability he showed may have helped her form a connection, but that's more Hisao's perspective than Hitomi's. I can't truly speak for her, since I'm mostly in HIS head when I write this story. She's an enigma to me as well, though I know more about her than anyone else, naturally, and she has yet to be fully formed. And one possibly result of this method of character creation is that she'll end up an entirely unrealistic, unrelatable, unbelievable disappointment of a character when I'm done with her. Hoping not to fail that spectacularly, but it's by no means outside the realm of possibility.

---
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
She looks down at my extended hand, and I realize that as my right hand was currently occupied with my bag, I had unconsciously offered her my left.
Disregarding, that shaking hands is not really common in Japan... Have you actually ever done that? Offered your left hand if your right was occupied? I think that would get a strange reaction no matter if the person in front of you has a hand or not...
So when I wrote this, I was conscious of the fact that shaking hands is not common in Japan, but I kinda decided to just include it regardless. KS is a fairly westernized version of Japan anyway, with the characters almost all going by their first names, for example.

But to answer your question... I can't think of a specific example, but this is certainly something I WOULD do. Being fairly socially awkward: particularly back in high school, though maybe not so much today. And I wanted to convey a degree of Hisao's own discomfort around others, particularly these students he's totally unfamiliar with. He's not exactly a shy person, but not the most charismatic or outgoing, either.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
I rush out of my room and down to the exit of the boy's dorm.
I reach the girls dorm
"boys' dorm" and "girls' dorm" respectively but better than "male" and "female" :-)
Dammit. Fixed. Thanks!
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
Moving to the previous door in the hall,
The room after Lilly's should be Hanako's iIrc. Maybe across the hall?
So I was never quite clear on whether Hanako was across from Lilly, or the next door down. I settled on having her be across the hall in this case, and having Hitomi be the next door down from Lilly. If I'm incorrect, and Hanako is definitively next door to Lilly, then I guess I'm stuck being non-canonical here. Which I do try to avoid...
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
she's not wearing the Yamaku uniform, but rather a set of silky blue pajamas.
Either Lilly changed into her pajamas very early, or it should be very late - and consequently very dark - in the following scene in the forest...
Hitomi let me know that she spends several hours most evenings practicing with her bow, and that she wouldn't mind me coming to watch sometimes
Going alone into the forest is probably something she should not do with her condition anyway.
Yeah, we'll go with the first explanation. This is a few hours after classes end, and sundown in Japan that time of year is around 7pm, so yeah. Guess Lilly's a bit of a grandma with her bedtime.

Correct. She probably should not.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
Yeah, this is actually more of a problem for me than you likely realize. I'm aware of it, and a part of my editing process is chopping up overly long sentences.
It's not something that I consciously realized as negative while reading. I'll keep an eye out continuing, but I've definitely seen a LOT worse...
I literally spent most of today editing a book for someone, and catching typos in both my and others' writing is something I pride myself on, so I'm simultaneously embarrassed that you found any, proud it was only three...
Not sure if it's that way for everyone, but I think for most people that is normal. It certainly is for me. When it's your own text you just look at it differently because you already know what's written.
Yes, the mind tends to fill in the details and we miss the actual words. That being said, my editing process is designed to bypass that problem, and I usually don't miss much. But in 60,000 words, there will always be something. Glad I have you fine people (or possibly degenerates) around to catch my errors!
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
"A walk? How old are you, dude?" - "Old enough...
Touché.
Ironically, I walk for exercise frequently, despite being in my mid-20s, and large swathes of this story were created on my walks. Including this moment, in all likelihood.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
ChattyWheeler wrote:Cell phones were still new—and expensive—in the late 2000's/early 2010's...
Hey, it's not that bad. I got a cell phone in '99 and I was one of the last people in my class to get one.
Got mine in '06, I think. I was also one of the last. Razor Sliver. Great phone.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
Do I really want a relationship so soon after Iwanako?
This is funny for two reasons: First that he would consider that a relationship at all, and second - in light of your other story - that he would consider it "soon" :lol:
Yeah, this is sort of a wink at Rebound.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
As we work, every now and then I catch Suzu giving Molly and I both odd glances.
"Molly and me"
Again. Thanks!
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
Not quite sure what to make of the Shizune scene... It can't really be that simple... There are plenty of students in Yamaku who do not show outward sings of their conditions - including more than half of Hisao's class...
Correct. All we know here is that this is what Shizune SAYS she BELIEVES to be the explanation. She could be speaking dishonestly, simply incorrect in her assertion, or some combination of the two.

And that may be true for Hisao's class, but it almost certainly is not for Hitomi's class.

---
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
Glancing around, I realize that even though I've been here before, I didn't really pay attention to Hitomi's room.
And now that his half-naked crush is sitting in front of him he does... To be honest, I probably wouldn't be able to manage that :lol:
Yeah, me neither, really. I'm gonna go with the explanation that he's nervously averting his eyes because she's undressed, and that's what leads to his distracted thoughts about the room. Though that still feels a bit far-fetched...
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
I nearly run into Hanako, who's entering the door across the hall from Lilly's room.
See the earlier comment about room locations.
Yeah, I may be wrong, but at least the story is internally consistent!
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
Chapter 2-7 probably puts paid to Shizune's theory that Hitomi has a problem with people who are obviously disabled, since she doesn't seem to have a problem with Miki at all...
Yeah, that was part of the intention behind that interaction.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
Brister wrote:"Damn Hisao fucking rude why don't you ask what color she likes first before going off assuming shit ya racist..."
Really? How is that racist? Japan is a very homogenous country, and when someone looks like Molly it is a reasonable assumption.
Yeah, I declined to comment on this at the time, but thanks for pointing it out. I didn't know Brister nearly as well at the time, and didn't want to come across as condescending. We're bros now. Brister, like me, is from the US, and is in all likelihood far more accustomed to being in an ethnically heterogenous culture. I've traveled enough to know that most of the world isn't like us when it comes to that sort of thing (not a judgement in any way, merely an observation). In Asian countries in particular, from my experience at least, people are quite likely to ask questions or make comments on the basis of race, skin color, etc.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
I note that Yukko doesn't seem to be on duty today.
Her name is Yuuko.
Good catch. Corrected.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
Isn't that exactly what caused this rift between Hitomi and I?
I don't know where things stand between Hitomi and I
"between Hitomi and me" both times
aren't I just killing the chances of that?
"am I not"
sigh... fixed all three.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
Final thoughts:
On a superficial level this seems to be a quite ordinary route. For me there are two things that set it apart from other stories like it - not counting the excellent language use. (On that note, I paid more attention to run-on sentences, and in my opinion it is not an issue at all.)
Good, it is meant to be a fairly ordinary route, though focused on perhaps some different problems than normal. Glad you of all people consider the language use to be excellent. And I'm also glad you didn't find the longer sentences to be an issue. I think I've grown in that area somewhat.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
Anyway, the first thing is obviously that the love interest is not someone who has had their whole life to get used to their disability (or even a short while) but someone for whom all of that is still in the future - which provides a different set of problems from what I've seen in so many other fanfictions. Problems that will likely come into the foreground more when the blindness finally sets in permanently...
That is IF the blindness sets in permanently.
I have to note that Hitomi's condition is one that no doctor was able to detect and that nobody knows anything about, so it is somewhat strange that the doctors can tell that her sight will be gone permanently at some point. If nothing is known about it, chances are just as great that her bouts of blindness will eventually stop completely... Not that I want you to go that way, since it could feel a bit like a cop-out depending on how it is done...
Not sure if anybody brought this up yet... Usually I do read the comments as well, but in this case the comments/analysis are longer than the actual story - which is saying something considering the length of the story - and I wanted to read it without being too influenced by others' opinions.
Yes, I very much wanted to do something differently in having a love interest who is also new to her condition. This is a marked distinction from both the canon VN routes and any pseudo-routes I've read to date.

On Hitomi's condition: I created it as a narrative element, not knowing if it was a real thing, and not intending to look into it much. I know that in some cases (EBJ's work comes to mind), the writers will heavily research a medical condition and be detailed in their accurate portrayal of it. That's commendable, but not what I was going for in this story. Like all fiction, this story is about more than its own details, and what matters more than the condition itself is how Hitomi, and Hisao, learn to live with it.

And yeah, the doctors are being somewhat pessimistic, but we can chalk it up to Hitomi not fully knowing what they do, only understanding some of what she was told, etc. If I were given news that bleak, I suspect some of the details would slip my mind, as they did Hisao's in the prologue. I've been tempted on many occasions towards that cop-out, but it would rob the story of a lot of its potential meaning. Suffering and tragedy are inevitable facts of life, and how we choose to live with and overcome them mean a lot more than if we happen to get lucky now and then and avoid them.

And yeah, Chatty lives up to his name quite well. I would say he should go into the film critic business or something, if that industry wasn't so backwards and hopelessly corrupt. If you do get to reading the analysis, you'll be impressed by the many crazy ideas he and Brister come up with. They both think of things I never would have, and then guess them as future plot points, as if they were my plan from the beginning. Giving me ideas in the process. It's certainly an interesting dynamic.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
The other thing - and the thing I commend the story most for - is its excellent use of secondary characters! There are plenty of stories that have a large cast of characters around here, but I can't think of any other that manages to include SO many (Shizune, Misha, Lilly, Hanako, Emi, Miki, Taro, Suzu, Molly & Kenji) without making any of those scenes feel superfluous. All of those characters are fleshed out and contribute to the story in meaningful ways. (I did not include Rin, because I don't think she contributes as much, but then she has only a few appearances.)
No scene feels wasted or just like filler, and I know exactly how hard it is to write like that. I can hardly believe when you say you don't plan ahead...
This was something I really, really wanted to do. Part of my motivation for writing KS fanfiction at all was because I deeply loved the characters, both the main cast and the side characters that were more fleshed out in others' fics, and I wanted to see more of them. Letting them all run loose (mostly) in the playground of my mind makes for some interesting situations and conversations, for sure.

And I'm VERY glad you don't see those scenes as filler. I tried quite hard to make sure they were not.

When I say I don't plan ahead, I mean in the details of a scene. My notes going in tend to be something like "Hisao goes into town with Hitomi, they walk around and end up eating somewhere, and run into Miki and Suzu." And then I write from there, filling in the details as I go, writing each character's actions, dialogue, and reactions as I would expect them to contextually based on what I know of them. The more right-brain I can make the process, the better it tends to go for me. The moment I start planning heavily is the moment the writing becomes more difficult. That's a large part of what I'm currently struggling with in writing 3-1.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm
Related to that, the scene I liked most was not one featuring Hitomi but the rejection scene with Molly. Considering that there are hundreds of stories on these forums astoundingly few include scenes of rejection - something I've been a bit conscious of since I wrote one myself a couple of years back - and I think this is probably one of the best scenes of that type.
Personally I would have gone for Molly, but since this has been a Hitomi route from the start I knew it was a waste rooting for her :-)
I don't recall reading many, either. The one from Developments is all I can think of off the top of my head.

And yeah, I love Molly. I almost wrote a Molly route instead of this one. I may still, someday, if Feurox never ends up continuing Gravity. :)

Anyway, thanks for your SpaG catches, your insightful commentary, your useful advice, and for reading the story! I'm glad it wasn't a disappointment. Hopefully it won't end up as one, when I manage to finish it.
Girls: Emi=Hanako=Lilly>Shizune=Rin
Routes: Lilly=Emi>Hanako>Rin>Shizune

(Name is pronounced "Zero". Stole it from Quake, I think)

My projects here:
To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)
Rebound - A Post Lilly NE Epilogue / Iwanako Story (On Hold)

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BristerXD
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Location: Pennsylvania

Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by BristerXD » Tue Nov 24, 2020 11:58 pm

Can I just say for the record, now that Mirage and Xeraeo have pointed it out now, that racist comment was meant more as an exaggeration. I knew it was perfectly normal for Japanese people to ask those kinds of questions, believe me with what my story is dealing with I had to look up a lot of shit about it. I was just trying to use it as a hyperbolic way of showing how my reading flow was interrupted by the detail.

Looking back on it, poor fucking choice of words. And generally bad argument I think now looking back even further. When I say I work on these analysis piece late at night when my mind starts to slip, it isn’t just for comedic presentation. Still, I fucked up and I’m sorry if that gave you the wrong impression of me at the time. I now try to tackle these things with a more salient state of mind.

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Xeraeo
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Xeraeo » Wed Nov 25, 2020 12:02 am

Lol, I didn't get a bad impression of you. Just wasn't sure how to respond to it at the time. The more I've come to know you, the more obvious it became that that was an exaggerated response, anyway. I had forgotten about it entirely until Mirage pointed it out.

And I'm not sure if it's better for you to be in a salient state of mind when you comment or not... It's certainly more fun when you're not, lol.
Girls: Emi=Hanako=Lilly>Shizune=Rin
Routes: Lilly=Emi>Hanako>Rin>Shizune

(Name is pronounced "Zero". Stole it from Quake, I think)

My projects here:
To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)
Rebound - A Post Lilly NE Epilogue / Iwanako Story (On Hold)

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Mirage_GSM
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Location: Germany

Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Nov 26, 2020 6:07 pm

No, this actually takes place Friday morning, the SECOND time Hisao goes running with Emi.
We're talking about different lines. The one I meant is at the end of the previous chapter:
After a few more pleasantries like that, we bid each other good night and head off to our separate dorms. Before dozing off, I remember the nurse's nagging words, and set my alarm to wake me early enough to go jogging again. I told him what he wanted to hear, but honestly I don't know how long I'm gonna be able to keep it up. I was practically dying yesterday after just a few laps.
This line was from the evening when he is setting his alarm FOR Friday morning. Canocally this should be after the scene "Paint by Numbers" which should happen on Thursday.
No, I said it's not. That's been done. It has to be an aspect, of course, but it's not the focus of the story's primary conflict.
Fair.
So I was never quite clear on whether Hanako was across from Lilly, or the next door down. I settled on having her be across the hall in this case, and having Hitomi be the next door down from Lilly. If I'm incorrect, and Hanako is definitively next door to Lilly, then I guess I'm stuck being non-canonical here. Which I do try to avoid...
So, it's been a while since I read Hanako's or Lilly's path, so I'm not 100% sure, but as I remember it, Hanako's room is at the end of a hallway and shares a wall with Lilly's...
Okay, found a line in Hanako Act 3: "We quietly get up and file out of Lilly's room. Hanako's room is next door in the same hallway."
In Lilly's Act 2 we learn Lilly's room number is 225, and in Act 3 there's "Her room's position next to Lilly's is extremely convenient..."
That's what I got from the scripts. Not sure if there's more hints in the visuals - I've probably been through the scripts several times as often than I've read the actual VN...
As a side note, I just noticed an instance of "male dorm" in the VN script of the Lilly route which I apparently overlooked during the beta... Probably too late to send in the notice :-)
In Asian countries in particular, from my experience at least, people are quite likely to ask questions or make comments on the basis of race, skin color, etc.
Not sure if it's just about being Asian or heterogenous either. What is considered offensive is both dependent on culture and also personality, and my impression is that in the US people are far more afraid of being considered racist than in other countries - those that care anyway.
Germany is also a quite heterogenous country - and not only since 2015 - and I wouldn't have any problem asking an acquaintance about their heritage - probably not on the first meeting, but I don't consider it a taboo issue either. Rather I think it's natural to be interested in your friends' backgrounds - as long as you don't get all condescending and judgemental about it which should go without saying.
I don't recall reading many, either. The one from Developments is all I can think of off the top of my head.
If you don't mind a shameless self-plug, try this one. At the very least it's quite short :-)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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