To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

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Chatty Wheeler
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Chatty Wheeler » Tue Oct 13, 2020 7:12 pm

Xeraeo wrote:
Tue Oct 13, 2020 5:23 pm
Lilly's fundamental character flaw as revealed in her route is her fear of confrontation. It's not that she never does it, but she's by nature a very peacekeeping individual, which is part of what puts her at odds with Shizune so often. I don't see it in Lilly's character to "call out" Hisao on this, at least not openly. We'll see how that plays out.
Oh, shoot. You totally got me there. I didn't think about that at all. Lilly didn't even get very confrontational in her route, when she and Hisao were the closest. So why would she got confrontation now, when she and Hisao aren't much more than acquaintances? I don't see a reason for it, so it looks like I'll have to retract that prediction! I suppose that I still believe that Lilly would feel some silent disappointment in Hisao's direction, but it probably won't grow to anything more than that...

——————————
Xeraeo wrote:
Tue Oct 13, 2020 5:23 pm
Chatty Wheeler wrote:
Sun Oct 11, 2020 1:23 pm
There's no way the students, the faculty, and even Hitomi's parents are going to just sit back after something like that happens.
The students who know, possibly. Few do, and it's not exactly YA policy to announce to the student body what's happening medically with others students. Besides, Hitomi has almost no connections that we know of with other students besides Hisao.

The faculty, of course, but what exactly they do will largely be between them and Hitomi. How much of that we see will be dependent on what she shares with Hisao.

And as for Hitomi's parents... well, we know next to nothing about them right now.
Right! I should have been more clear. When I said "students," I really just meant Shizune, Lilly, and maaaybe Misha. I recall that Shizune gets informed whenever a student is absent due to medical reasons, and Hisao already said that he was going to tell Lilly. And when I said "Hitomi's parents"... that didn't really mean anything—I just needed something to be the third item in the list. It sounded cool when writing it. :lol:

Outside of Emi, we don't even meet the parents of the main heroines, so I'm not expecting to meet Hitomi's parents. They live pretty far away, right? So yeah, I'm not expecting them to pop up.

——————————
Xeraeo wrote:
Tue Oct 13, 2020 5:23 pm
Alright, the big one...

[...]

In my mind, both Hitomi and Hisao were feeling something similar regarding their mutual avoidance...

[...]

I think they both feel a bit childish for what happened, and just want to move on from it in light of her accident. That's why they quickly change topics after addressing it just barely, instead of having long, dramatic apologies. So yeah, they instantly forgave each other because both of them felt more at fault themselves than upset with the other person.
Hehe, I wasn't expecting you to go into such detail about this topic, but I appreciate you sharing your side of the story regardless! Admittedly, when I talked about the forgiveness being "implied" rather than "stated," I sort of had the same idea that you had about what that meant—that the two of them were too embarrassed and self-blaming to have such a long, dramatic apology. I wasn't really confident in my assertion, however, so I didn't bring it up.

Now that I know that this is what you were intending, I can see how this behavior from them both is grounded in some realism—and I like that. I guess, from an objective reader's standpoint, your reasoning is solid and hard to argue against. However, from a subjective reader's standpoint, it's still a little unsatisfying. And that's really the hard part about analyzing fiction like this—separating me as an objective analyst from me as a subjective reader. It's a hard act to balance, both when reading and writing. And everyone has their different preferences for how that "balance" should be. If you lean too much into subjectiveness, you get melodrama. If you lean too much into objectiveness, you get a dry lecture about an arrhythmic boy and a blind girl. There's a "balance" in the middle of those extremes, somewhere, but not everyone will agree where that balance is.

I'm actually a little surprised that I let myself get carried away with subjective analysis in this case, because usually I lean heavily into objective analysis. My favorite anime film is called Liz in the Blue Bird. It's the movie that I consider to be as close to "objectively perfect" as anything could possibly get. Before I wrote my review of Developments, I wrote an even larger outline for an essay about Liz and the Blue Bird. Basically, I pointed out, in a very objective manner, how all the artistic and narrative choices in the movie made it my favorite. However, despite the objective brilliance that I see in the movie, I still find numerous negative online user reviews that call the movie "boring," "weird," "confusing" and "unsatisfying." See? There's that word, again: "unsatisfying."

I suppose that I'm writing all of this to say that hitting that right "balance" is tough. It's impossible to hit it for everyone. Impossible. You can't please everyone. I do my best to see it both ways, but I'm only human. Even if I see Liz and the Blue Bird as nearly "objectively perfect," someone else might watch it and call it "subjectively awful."

So there won't be any way to reach that perfect balance entirely, but you can certainly try. That brings me back to you, Xeraeo. You certainly have been trying. I'd argue that you've been doing a stellar job balancing these two sides. TMtM hasn't bored me to tears with static "lecture-dialogue" and it hasn't drowned me in the tears of pointless melodrama. You have a very solid balance—a balance that nearly lines up with my balance. Despite this, our balances won't always line up—like it did in this selective instance—and that's a-okay.

Good grief. How does this keep happening? I didn't mean to write five paragraphs. :lol:

——————————
Xeraeo wrote:
Tue Oct 13, 2020 5:23 pm
I expect it may be as long as another week until we get 3-1 up, but it could be as soon as this Fri or Sat, depending on where my head's at.
Take your time! We'll all be happy to wait in the meantime.

Thanks for such a detailed response! Take care, everyone.

——————————

Edit: Fun fact. My profile picture is a frame from Liz and the Blue Bird.

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Razoredge
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Razoredge » Tue Oct 13, 2020 7:48 pm

I have to say, that's some really high quality stuff. One of my favorites readings currently. It does has flaws, like everything, but besides that fact, it's a very enjoyable story. I'm really amaze about how you achieve to keep a high quality writing with such a quick pace. This is my first ime commenting the story, I guess, but since the beginning, I'm enjoying it.
I will continue to follow this story with great interest, and bravo.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route, Razor's One Shots & misc. & Sakura Blossom

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Xeraeo
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Xeraeo » Wed Oct 14, 2020 12:33 am

Thanks, Razor! Glad to hear you're enjoying it.
Girls: Emi=Hanako=Lilly>Shizune=Rin
Routes: Lilly=Emi>Hanako>Rin>Shizune

(Name is pronounced "Zero". Stole it from Quake, I think)

My projects here:
To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)
Rebound - A Post Lilly NE Epilogue / Iwanako Story (On Hold)

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Hacksorus
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Hacksorus » Wed Oct 21, 2020 3:45 pm

Finally got around to catching up. Really, there isn't much left for me to say, given that analyses of your chapters end up being longer than some of the actual fanfics on this forum :lol:

I guess if there are any particular criticisms I'd want to echo it comes down to two: That we should have gotten the chance to get to know Molly a little better before that main conflict reached its head, and that the reunion scene in the hospital felt abruptly short. Overall though, I really liked it as usual. If you're worried about Hisao's brooding being a bit much, I'll say that it never felt that way to me. He feels like the ideal perspective with which to depict this story, and the new details you're adding such as his cell phone and his musings about what qualities attracted him to Iwanako in the first place feel natural. Your OCs are great as usual for the most part.

I'm looking forward to seeing where the many plot threads you've set up for yourself go. As someone who's been kicking around the idea of writing something on here myself and will probably end up using the same brazen approach to writing, you've been pretty inspiring. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get even a fraction of the feedback from readers when the time comes :lol:

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BristerXD
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by BristerXD » Sat Oct 31, 2020 10:59 pm

Alright, after finally contributing a small part of my soul and limited time on this earth to creating a for fun writing project on a years-old cripple fucker VN, time to finally go back to my normal routine of judging other people's for fun fan projects with the same critical eye one holds to professional writing and film. It feels good to write a run-on sentence and not feel back for it again. But yes, this is my long-overdue analysis of the final two chapters of the second act of To Miss the Mark. I want to make sure I get this out before lovely author Xeraeo can start the third act and really make things awkward for me. Oh and also I guess I wish to further encourage the good work by someone who was instrumental in helping to get my own out of the damp folds of my mind but that seems a little camp so continue to prescribe these things with selfish intentions. I think that satisfies the quirk meter I have for these things, time to actually do what's advertised. Starting with

If I Go Down to the Depths... (2-11): Even in the very beginning of the chapter, there is one thought that constantly pounds against the side of my skull. Same. I really like the way you handled this whole Molly situation. It feels... normal. Mundane. Human. That sounds like it's not a big deal but I often find that in the larger scope of literature scenes like these don't exist and if they do they are so overblown that they seem to carry the same weight as a natural disaster. It makes everything feel hokey and off-kilter. Meanwhile here, Hisao confronting Suzu about all the weirdness feels like the unclimactic deflating of the ballon it should have been since that ballon has been filled with nothing but hot air. I appreciate this level of discretion and how it naturally flows into the real confrontation, Hisao finally manning the fuck up.
Xeraeo wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 8:48 pm
"So basically, you said something dumb, and now you're waiting around for her to come tell you it's okay? What are you, stupid?"
That's what I said... or thought... who am I here. Doesn't matter, this and really just the rest of the chapter is so well done that I'm having trouble coming up with even the most minor of nitpicks. It is a smaller chapter after all but still, it is immensely satisfying to finally have Hisao realize just how bad he has been screwing up his chances (in a completely character coherent way I shall remind you) and then pants-shitting suspenseful when Hitomi is nowhere to be found just when it seemed everything was gonna be set right. Right place, wrong time. I remember vividly saying to myself "You better fucking pay this off well because I'm feeling that same pit in my stomach." And for better and for worse... I got that wish.

... Still You Are With Me (2-12): That last line wasn't by the way some ominous marker of whether or not I like this final chapter. I loved it, of course, I did. figured I'd save you on the wait as this relative behemoth of a chapter was enough on edge dancing for me. And before I go on to really try to cut deep into this pot roast, Lily throwing up her eyebrows at Hisao's admittance of being a coward really warmed a heart ina cruel and sadistic way.

On that topic, Lily's reasoning leading to an equally reasonable with Shizune excellently contrasts the growing panic Hisao is feeling as time slowly rolls by. And unlike in previous chapters where I feel the writing fails to carry the sense of urgency and weight a certain event should carry, I found myself right alongside Hisai wishing their fingers would move a little faster. Like I said, I was one the edge of my seat since the end of the last chapter and this opening carries that same momentum beautifully. Another detail I like is Lily clearly feeling guilty about was is possibly happening to Hitomi and wanting to tag along. Feel very much like it and so I like she isn't just dropped in forgotten.

The same goes for the initial scene with the nurse and how he handles Hisao's (reader welcomed) impatience. It feels very real and is paced rather well, avoiding again the melodrama that pervades this type of literature. There is one major sore spot I found in the actual diction of this section however.
Xeraeo wrote:
Thu Oct 08, 2020 1:22 am
She's safe? Thank God. I take several more deep breaths, finally feeling myself beginning to calm down a bit. "You can't tell me where she is? What do you mean, 'all things considered'?"
This may be just a quirk of present tesne writing I'm not aware of or just your style of dealing with dialogue but I really don't like these two thoughts put together here. They feel like they deserve to be separate moments since they represent the clash between relief that she's above yet the anguish of not knowing where she is. Thing is, I have no idea how I could recommend you make this change as this sort of thing is completely dependant on your writing style. I would try to simply give more lines of internal thought that lead into the out loud question for the nurse. Again, I don't feel comfortable making a concrete call on it, just know I as a reader felt a little thrown off by this line that took me out of a very tight and fast ride.

As for practically everything after that... I love it. Hisao having a near panic attack at the hospital, Hitomi trying to make sure he didn't blame himself, the breakdown of exactly she felt so bad, Hisao finally opening-up about himself at the end, and the heart-swelling kiss at the end of the scene. I'm sure I can find more sentences like the last one I directed. I can mole over the nuances of dialogue in hope of pointing out ways to make that scene flow a little more naturally. If I think hard enough I'm sure I can find something to complain about but in all honesty, this story makes it hard. Nothing really stands out that takes me out of the experience. All the bows are tied up at the end, leaving only the question of what can possibly happen next for our characters now that they've grown up a little. I really did enjoy this ending because it feels like an ending in it of itself. If you for whatever reason just stopped writing here I wouldn't be mad as I felt my mind could take it further easily. It's that storybook. So all I can really say is... top marks.

BBBuuuuuuuuuttttttt... I do have something to say about the actual layout of the chapters in response to you pointing out how this chapter is long compared to the rest of the others that you have written. I feel you could have actually made 2-11 longer and fit better if you simply cut where Hisao is waiting for confirmation on where Hitomi is. That would have been a great opening for this chapter as well... we're right there with you Hisao. It would be brutal on the reader to have such a big cliff hanger and I am always of the opinion that if you can make the reader sweat you're doing a good job. Sure the "final" chapter would be shorter but I would argue that in real-time wait would make that payout all the more powerful and worth it. Even removing that factor the physiological element of seeing a chapter break after a major revelation is enough to arouse goosebumps to the point of the reader doing your job for you and wanting to take a small break just to catch their breath. I think this goes all the way to the big idea of how to actually structure a book which has my opinion falls into the "a chapter ends when it should" camp. You make a chapter along as it needs to communicate your idea and/or give it that desired effect. Allowing for half the book to be one chapter or for a chapter to consist of seven words and a drawn picture of a smiling cat. But that's a bigger discussion, right now I just want to let you know that your worry about chapter lengths isn't really warranted so long as you keep doing the good shit you're doing here.

And that's the end of this sage, I can't wait to see what you have in store next. Till next time friend. And to everyone else reading this... check out my story Xeraeo proof read it so it can't be complete shit.

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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by NuclearStudent » Sun Nov 01, 2020 2:12 am

I personally found the moment where Hitomi can suddenly see again somewhat maudlin.
To last forever.

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Xeraeo
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Xeraeo » Tue Nov 03, 2020 1:33 am

Alright, quick update since it's been a while.

I've had a bit of a bad month, but that shouldn't have kept me from writing the way it did. After finishing Act 2, I fully intended to take a break for only a week or so and then get right back into it, but it was not to be.

Somewhere along the line, I found that the motivation and creative force that was driving me to write the story had died off. I had fully expected this to happen at some point, but it was still disappointing.

To be completely honest, though the story has been in the back of my mind off and on these last few weeks, it's been far less prevalent in my thinking than it was when I was writing. I allowed myself to become distracted by the other things going on in my life (some important, no question, but plenty not so much.)

Anyway, hoping to get back into things, I spent a good chunk of today re-reading the story from the beginning and reacquainting myself with Hitomi. The idea for her character was what suddenly inspired me to begin writing this route, and ultimately she's the reason I want to finish it. I want to know more about her, and see her get to a better place in her life after overcoming some of her issues.

I actually wrote a large portion of 3-1 well over a week ago, but I'm far from finished with it. However, now that I'm pushing myself back into the writing process by force, I expect it won't be much longer before I get that chapter out. I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't intend to keep my word on that.

Thank you all for your patience. I know that compared to some writers, going a month without updating is nothing, but for me it's long enough for my goldfish attention to wander, and I know that if I don't get back to it soon I'll end up never finishing it.

---

Now, a couple responses:

Hacksorus, glad to know you're enjoying it! I also would have liked a bit more time with Molly, but I also was beginning to feel that for a Hitomi route, Act 2 was getting to have not nearly enough Hitomi in it. The entire side-plot with Molly was not originally supposed to be as big a deal as it ended up being, and in part at least it was to set her up as a supporting character for the third act. She's not gone from the story, so don't worry too much. And yeah, I would love to read anything you end up writing! Your advice on my other story was insightful, and I expect if you do start your own work it will be well thought out and interesting to read. By all means, have at it!

Brister, where to start...
I suppose with congratulations! I've said this to you in DM, but let me repeat publicly that I'm glad to finally see your story make it up to the Renai! I hope my advice was helpful without being overbearing, and I would be happy to continue to help out however I can with subsequent chapters! Now, as far as your analysis here, your comment on that one particular line is a good point. Hisao's dialogue doesn't quite match up to what his thought process seems to be. I suppose the best thing to repair it would be to add in a line before the dialogue to help transition it better, but at this point I think I'll just leave it as is. Thanks for pointing it out though. I need to watch for stuff like that in the future.

I also get where you're coming from with the chapter formatting there, but there's a simple explanation for the way it turned out, and that's the fact that I write and then upload my chapters one at a time, often without even knowing much of what will be in the next one! When 2-11 went up, I had almost no idea how 2-12 would go, other than a very, very basic idea of how it would start and how it would end. Had I planned from the start how the chapters would go, I may have chosen to split them differently, but as it stands now I don't think moving part of one to the other would be worth it or flow well. I do try to be fairly consistent with chapter size (3,000-4,500 words each), but I'm okay with some variance to that standard so long as it's not wild and completely unpredictable. Having a longer chapter for an act finale strikes me as acceptable. I know you're not really suggesting that, of course, but I'm just explaining my reasoning.

Always glad to hear from you!

And finally, Nuke...

I had to google "maudlin" to confirm it means what I think it means (cause I'm a bit of a dumbass), and I have to confess I'm still not entirely sure what you mean, lol. If you're saying what I think you're saying: that Hitomi's near-reversal in emotional state due to her returning sight doesn't make the reader nearly as happy as it makes her, then I would agree for the most part. And say that her reaction in that situation should not be taken entirely as a good or positive thing, though Hisao of course does take it that way in the moment. For us, we should be seeing things a bit more objectively than he is, and recognize that she has a long way to go when it comes to dealing with her condition on an emotional level.

If you meant something else, then I'd love to hear it. Your advice and criticisms on this story so far have been quite helpful, and I'm always happy to hear your thoughts. Particularly because you seem to take a generally contrarian view in a lot of areas, and often catch potential weaknesses in the story that I don't see.

---

Anyway, thanks to everyone who reads this story, particularly those of you who share your thoughts! I continue to be shocked and humbled at the level of response this has been getting. I hope not to disappoint you all in the future.

See you soon!
Girls: Emi=Hanako=Lilly>Shizune=Rin
Routes: Lilly=Emi>Hanako>Rin>Shizune

(Name is pronounced "Zero". Stole it from Quake, I think)

My projects here:
To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)
Rebound - A Post Lilly NE Epilogue / Iwanako Story (On Hold)

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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by NuclearStudent » Wed Nov 04, 2020 12:14 am

I somewhat regret saying anything about it, but it felt a bit too convenient for sight to return just at that moment. There's been no indication that Hitomi's blindness is psychologically influenced, so it felt mildly contrived to me.

Not a big deal, just mildly bothered me.
To last forever.

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Xeraeo
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Xeraeo » Thu Nov 05, 2020 1:55 am

No no, nothing to regret. It certainly was a bit contrived, and I'm grateful that you're confirming that to me. It's hard to tell which mistakes or weaknesses in the writing are just in my head, and which are real, and the best way to know is when you guys tell me you noticed it as well. Thanks!
Girls: Emi=Hanako=Lilly>Shizune=Rin
Routes: Lilly=Emi>Hanako>Rin>Shizune

(Name is pronounced "Zero". Stole it from Quake, I think)

My projects here:
To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)
Rebound - A Post Lilly NE Epilogue / Iwanako Story (On Hold)

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BristerXD
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by BristerXD » Thu Nov 05, 2020 11:35 am

I would say it comes down to a matter of taste. Now for me as a life long professional wrestling fan, I am not stranger the art of high drama. Writing for wrestling and the shit you scream at your brother while you mash your action figured together share many commonalities. One of those being dramatic reveals/connivances that shit the high emotional chord the story is hitting at that particular moment.

Even in a story like this which I have constantly described as being beautifully grounded in its approach to its characters and situation, I got this feeling at the end of the chapter. And in a very good way. It wasn’t like wrestling where I was just so swept up in the moment and pageantry that can buy a man coming back from the dead to pile drive the man who wears a leather face mask and talks with a lisp. It felt more like one of those “life is beautiful” moments. A small miracle that just so happens to... well happen. Why couldn’t it happen at this moment? It’s like asking why did I survive this horrible car crash or why did I win the lottery. Sometimes things just align right. Just be glad it worked out here.

That’s my emotional response, here’s why I think it works in a meta narrative sense. It’s already been established that Hitomi’s blindness can just pop in and out whenever and so far even occurrence of it has been pretty realistic. The only moment similar to this is the fireworks scene all the way in the beginning. In between we have seen it come up just whenever, just a horrible hindrance that really can affect the flow of someone’s life. In one of my previous analysis posts I mentioned avoiding using Hiromi’s disability to just add to the drama of a scene and I think you have handled it very well so far. So it’s like you’ve been building meter in a fighting game. After the fireworks scene, every time the disability has come up it has been realistic portrayed in a negative light. This subconsciously builds in the readers mind as “oh this author is gonna treat this like a grave thing all the way through” situation. It’s heartbreaking and somber. This garners good will in a sense that as your wear the reader down with this grim realities, the more they are willing to accept something about it being turned into a positive. In wrestling they call that getting heat.

And you executed it beautifully as it’s not like here blindness is cured in anyway after it comes back. There is still a dagger hanging over Hiromi’s head. Not to mention all of this came about as she was hit with a fucking car so this didn’t exactly come free to anyone. So when it finally pops, in the readers mind it feels deserved. Sure realistically that makes no sense, the universe is basically a never ending series of dice rolls. It certainly wasn’t likely for her vision to return to at that moment but it’s not any less unlikely than it coming back in the hospital or three minutes afterward or not at all. At least in the reality established in the story which has been a constant “hey shit happen bruh” status.

So to actually give some meaning to all this rambling, I’ll say this. Yeah, it is a bit contrived when looking at it on a purely likelihood level. But so is being the sperm cell that gets become a human. So really, who’s to say. Some put that on god, some put it on luck, either way in the end it didn’t take me out of the story because the story has been crafted so far to allow for such an event. It hasn’t been grim dark and it hasn’t wondered into sparkle eyes romance fiction form this moment alone. It still feels real and in the end, that’s all the reader wants to feel. When you’re writing realistic fiction, you write what you can get away with. And I feel you got away with this moment pretty cleanly. Now do a similar moment in the very next chapter and we’ll talk again in much harsher words but right now... we’re in good standing. I liked it, plain and simple.

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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm

Okay, since this is quite long, I'll comment on Act 1 first:
she turns and enters the female dorm...
I emerge from the male dorm,...
Ah, one of my pet peeves. Everytime I read this I have to think of female dorms getting together with male dorms and making many small dormitories...
I was practically dying yesterday after just a few laps.
Should be "this morning" unless you shuffeled around events in Act 1 a bit. "The Running Girl" is on Thursday, same as "Cold War" and "Paint by Numbers".
Glancing back, I see Emi watching me with her head tilted slightly, so I give her a little wave.
Just leaving Emi seems a bit rude. He could at least have said goodbye...
miso soup for both Hitomi and I
"for Hitomi and me"
"So, you're going to die, but you don't know when?"
That's true for most people :lol:
Anyway, I liked the way you approached Act 1, only showing the relevant parts. Some people don't like that, but for me fanfiction is not something that has to be able to stand on its own. You can assume that most readers will have already read Act 1 at least several times over.
You still took a couple of lines verbatim from the VN, which in excess is not a good thing, but here it was hardly noticeable.
I have to admit I don't have a good grasp on Hitomi's character yet. Her reactions seem contradictory sometimes.
You said this story was about opening up to each other, but I'm not quite sure if Hisao spilling his life story the second time they interact might not be too much of a good thing... I tried to put myself in Hitomi's place: You've just told that guy about your accident and going blind, and he responds by whining talking for over an hour about his own problems. Still not quite sure how I would react, but for some people it certainly would not come across well...
Anyway, very good start, and I'll be back once I've read more.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

Comments for 2-1 to 2-6 incoming...
She looks down at my extended hand, and I realize that as my right hand was currently occupied with my bag, I had unconsciously offered her my left.
Disregarding, that shaking hands is not really common in Japan... Have you actually ever done that? Offered your left hand if your right was occupied? I think that would get a strange reaction no matter if the person in front of you has a hand or not...
I notice that Suzu is laying in a similar position,
It's almost kind of funny if you think about is that Hisao has the same problems Suzu has as a side effect of his actual condition :-)
"Loss of bladder control, for instance."
Good one. Very Nurse.
I rush out of my room and down to the exit of the boy's dorm.
I reach the girls dorm
"boys' dorm" and "girls' dorm" respectively but better than "male" and "female" :-)
Moving to the previous door in the hall,
The room after Lilly's should be Hanako's iIrc. Maybe across the hall?
she's not wearing the Yamaku uniform, but rather a set of silky blue pajamas.
Either Lilly changed into her pajamas very early, or it should be very late - and consequently very dark - in the following scene in the forest...
Hitomi let me know that she spends several hours most evenings practicing with her bow, and that she wouldn't mind me coming to watch sometimes
Going alone into the forest is probably something she should not do with her condition anyway.
Yeah, this is actually more of a problem for me than you likely realize. I'm aware of it, and a part of my editing process is chopping up overly long sentences.
It's not something that I consciously realized as negative while reading. I'll keep an eye out continuing, but I've definitely seen a LOT worse...
I literally spent most of today editing a book for someone, and catching typos in both my and others' writing is something I pride myself on, so I'm simultaneously embarrassed that you found any, proud it was only three...
Not sure if it's that way for everyone, but I think for most people that is normal. It certainly is for me. When it's your own text you just look at it differently because you already know what's written.
"A walk? How old are you, dude?" - "Old enough...
Touché.
We separate and head into the male and female dorms
Happens a few more times later on, but I'll stop here.
ChattyWheeler wrote:Cell phones were still new—and expensive—in the late 2000's/early 2010's...
Hey, it's not that bad. I got a cell phone in '99 and I was one of the last people in my class to get one.
Should "and are talking quietly between them," be "and are talking quietly between themselves?"
Yes, it should - though in spoken language (or dialogue) it would probably get a pass nowadays...
Do I really want a relationship so soon after Iwanako?
This is funny for two reasons: First that he would consider that a relationship at all, and second - in light of your other story - that he would consider it "soon" :lol:
As we work, every now and then I catch Suzu giving Molly and I both odd glances.
"Molly and me"

Not quite sure what to make of the Shizune scene... It can't really be that simple... There are plenty of students in Yamaku who do not show outward sings of their conditions - including more than half of Hisao's class...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Chatty Wheeler
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Chatty Wheeler » Wed Nov 18, 2020 9:13 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm
ChattyWheeler wrote:Cell phones were still new—and expensive—in the late 2000's/early 2010's...
Hey, it's not that bad. I got a cell phone in '99 and I was one of the last people in my class to get one.
It must been different where I live. Most folks I knew didn't get cell phones until the late 2000's/early 2010's. :D

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Nov 19, 2020 6:08 am

Not sure where you live. For me it's Germany, and if anything I think Japan might have been two or three years ahead of us.
I mean by the late 2000s there were widespread smartphones...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: To Miss the Mark - An OC Pseudo-Route (Hitomi)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm

Aaand I finally caught up. Here are the comments for the rest of Act 2:
Glancing around, I realize that even though I've been here before, I didn't really pay attention to Hitomi's room.
And now that his half-naked crush is sitting in front of him he does... To be honest, I probably wouldn't be able to manage that :lol:
I nearly run into Hanako, who's entering the door across the hall from Lilly's room.
See the earlier comment about room locations.

Chapter 2-7 probably puts paid to Shizune's theory that Hitomi has a problem with people who are obviously disabled, since she doesn't seem to have a problem with Miki at all...
ChattyWheeler wrote:Was Suzu trying to set them up?
I thought that was kind of obvious. I'm not so sure if Molly is down with the idea, but signs point to yes.
Brister wrote:"Damn Hisao fucking rude why don't you ask what color she likes first before going off assuming shit ya racist..."
Really? How is that racist? Japan is a very homogenous country, and when someone looks like Molly it is a reasonable assumption.
I note that Yukko doesn't seem to be on duty today.
Her name is Yuuko.
Isn't that exactly what caused this rift between Hitomi and I?
I don't know where things stand between Hitomi and I
"between Hitomi and me" both times
aren't I just killing the chances of that?
"am I not"
Well. I suppose this is convenient, then.
I was going to comment the same thing... Wonder if Suzu is actually asleep...

Final thoughts:
On a superficial level this seems to be a quite ordinary route. For me there are two things that set it apart from other stories like it - not counting the excellent language use. (On that note, I paid more attention to run-on sentences, and in my opinion it is not an issue at all.)

Anyway, the first thing is obviously that the love interest is not someone who has had their whole life to get used to their disability (or even a short while) but someone for whom all of that is still in the future - which provides a different set of problems from what I've seen in so many other fanfictions. Problems that will likely come into the foreground more when the blindness finally sets in permanently...
That is IF the blindness sets in permanently.
I have to note that Hitomi's condition is one that no doctor was able to detect and that nobody knows anything about, so it is somewhat strange that the doctors can tell that her sight will be gone permanently at some point. If nothing is known about it, chances are just as great that her bouts of blindness will eventually stop completely... Not that I want you to go that way, since it could feel a bit like a cop-out depending on how it is done...
Not sure if anybody brought this up yet... Usually I do read the comments as well, but in this case the comments/analysis are longer than the actual story - which is saying something considering the length of the story - and I wanted to read it without being too influenced by others' opinions.

The other thing - and the thing I commend the story most for - is its excellent use of secondary characters! There are plenty of stories that have a large cast of characters around here, but I can't think of any other that manages to include SO many (Shizune, Misha, Lilly, Hanako, Emi, Miki, Taro, Suzu, Molly & Kenji) without making any of those scenes feel superfluous. All of those characters are fleshed out and contribute to the story in meaningful ways. (I did not include Rin, because I don't think she contributes as much, but then she has only a few appearances.)
No scene feels wasted or just like filler, and I know exactly how hard it is to write like that. I can hardly believe when you say you don't plan ahead...

Related to that, the scene I liked most was not one featuring Hitomi but the rejection scene with Molly. Considering that there are hundreds of stories on these forums astoundingly few include scenes of rejection - something I've been a bit conscious of since I wrote one myself a couple of years back - and I think this is probably one of the best scenes of that type.
Personally I would have gone for Molly, but since this has been a Hitomi route from the start I knew it was a waste rooting for her :-)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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