[OUTDATED]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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Mutty99
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[OUTDATED]

Post by Mutty99 » Thu Apr 30, 2020 1:19 pm


Status: Outdated thread

"Hold my Mind" is going through a major plot rework, so I've decided to abandon this thread.
A new one will be opened when the story is finished.

Last edited by Mutty99 on Tue May 12, 2020 9:36 am, edited 17 times in total.

Mutty99
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Post by Mutty99 » Thu Apr 30, 2020 1:28 pm

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Last edited by Mutty99 on Tue May 12, 2020 9:35 am, edited 5 times in total.

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Feurox
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Re: Hold my Mind - Main Thread

Post by Feurox » Thu Apr 30, 2020 4:44 pm

Welcome to the forums! Always good to see some new faces here!

As always, first port of call for a new writer should be the 'Tips of Fanfic Writers' thread, great information and tips in there!
Mutty99 wrote:
Thu Apr 30, 2020 1:19 pm
3) I won't tolerate any type of offensive behaviour and comments. I'll gladly accept feedback, but not random criticism with no intention of helping to improve.[/b]

Said that, enjoy!
I have to admit, this doesn't fill me with confidence. Seen it too many times with this really meaning 'Just give me praise or I'm not interested...' Regardless, you'll find everyone here quite helpful! Having said that, you have a mistake right below it - the phrase should be, well, 'Having Said that,'.


Not much to go on in terms of the Prologue, reminds me of when I first started writing and was a lot younger. As it stands, I would have said hold off for this, and give it to us when there's more substance. Anyway, aside from the pseudo script format, here are some problems I noticed:
I'm lying on something soft: am i at home?
Make that a semi-colon if you have too. Bit weird anyway.
No, it's not possible, i feel like i'm moving
As of this moment in the story, that's entirely possible, but regardless I would separate these sentences into something like this:

'No, that's not possible... I feel as though I'm moving.'
Nurse 1: "-Talking to his colleague- We must bring him into the operating room as soon as possible, or this is the end for him!"
Nurse 2: "That's right, his brain will collapse if we don't hurry! -To the people in the middle of the hallway- Out of the way, this is an emergency!"
This made me laugh more than anything - very clear telling instead of showing, but also, just comedically dramatic. Further reason it might be best to have skipped this prologue all together, I'm not invested, I don't really care for whoever this is, and I know nothing about them. Also, 'We must bring him' is quite clunky given this apparently an emergency, you think there would be a clearer authority.

This sounds to me as if these two people no nothing about medicine, and are actually kidnapping the protagonist. If that's the twist, bloody hell haha!
Fear invades my body like a bolt of lightning;
Full-stop.
then only a lot of pain in my head

Delete 'only' - unless of course there is literally no sensation anywhere else?
the stretcher stops to move completely.
Stops moving.
Head Surgeon: "Mr. Horoki, we will start the operation immediately. Are you ready?"
I nod, there is no way to avoid the inevitable at this point
So, he's conscious enough to give consent to an operation, even though his brain is collapsing...?
A mask is put above my face
These doctors suck - at least put it ON his face. Maybe they really are kidnapping him and are amateurs.

Anyway, like I said, this just doesn't give us anything, and it's not really compelling reason to be interested. Build something up and give it to us solid, because I'll look forward to it!

Welcome to the forums, again!

Mutty99
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Joined: Thu Apr 30, 2020 10:31 am

Re: Hold my Mind - Main Thread

Post by Mutty99 » Fri May 01, 2020 5:01 am

Thanks for helping me polish my writing style.
I'll be glad to accept any kind of feedback and constructive criticism! I feel like the hospital segment is necessary to make an impact on the readers before the actual story begins, so i'm keeping it.

I've removed warning number 3 and completely revised the prologue.
Thanks for your time :)

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Oddball
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Re: Hold my Mind - Main Thread

Post by Oddball » Sat May 02, 2020 10:14 am

You have a bad habit of not capitalizing your 'I's. You might want to do something about that.

Otherwise, I don't have much to say because there's not much to comment on. Your prologue isn't much longer than your warning and table of contents.
Not Dead Yet

Mutty99
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Re: Hold my Mind - Main Thread

Post by Mutty99 » Sat May 02, 2020 12:48 pm

Will remember about that, thanks.
The prologue is pretty simple and omits a lot of previous events, which will be gradually unfolded as the story goes on, so it's normal if you don't have to say anything about it since it's just a brief introduction.

Mutty99
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Post by Mutty99 » Thu May 07, 2020 4:17 am

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Last edited by Mutty99 on Tue May 12, 2020 9:35 am, edited 3 times in total.

Silentcook
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Re: Hold my Mind - Main Thread

Post by Silentcook » Thu May 07, 2020 7:44 am

Script format. Meh.

Hisao transfer student clone. Double meh.

Collective overuse of bold, underline, size. Triple meh.

You can do better. Study narration. Take a look at the Tips sticky.
Shattering your dreams since '94. I also fought COVID in '20 and all I got was this lousy forum sig.

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Mutty99
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Re: Hold my Mind - Main Thread

Post by Mutty99 » Thu May 07, 2020 8:41 am

My MC is not Hisao's clone, not even close; they're totally different from each other. I principally used Bold for highlighting people's names in dialogues, and have used it for another purpose only once. Used underline only twice at the end for temporal connections. I agree about the size, will try to not abuse of it too much.
Last edited by Mutty99 on Thu May 07, 2020 1:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mutty99
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Post by Mutty99 » Thu May 07, 2020 10:04 am

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Last edited by Mutty99 on Tue May 12, 2020 9:36 am, edited 2 times in total.

Silentcook
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Re: Hold my Mind - Main Thread

Post by Silentcook » Thu May 07, 2020 2:58 pm

Your MC is not literally Hisao's clone, but he ends up doing much the same things as Hisao does in the intro, thus the cloning refers to the transfer student situation. New characters could already be students at Yamaku; could not transfer in as the first thing they do - second thing, if one counts the inevitable previous life-changing illness event; could never become Yamaku students in the first place. They very rarely do otherwise. Oh well.

Collective usage does not care about the specific reasons why you make use of font variants, only about collective effect. Open a novel. Leaf through a few dozen pages. You'll find pretty much only italics, and sparing use of that. That's the standard you should aspire to.

And the script format is still the biggest and worst stumbling block, even if you cleaned away all the font trouble.
Shattering your dreams since '94. I also fought COVID in '20 and all I got was this lousy forum sig.

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