Some Shades of Blue

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Amadeuuus
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Some Shades of Blue

Post by Amadeuuus » Sun Apr 12, 2020 10:50 am

A day after the graduation, Hisao contemplates about the future, and reminisces about the time he has spent in Yamaku.
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I zipped my bag shut, stopping its content from bursting out, finally succeeded after my fourth attempt.

“There you go.”

I glanced at my hollow closet, making sure I missed nothing of importance, well, to be fair, I didn’t have that much stuff to begin with, my two travel bags seemed to be able to carry my clothes just fine.

I picked them up and put them near the foot of my bed, alongside my already jam-packed backpack.

My back felt weary as I stretched my body, who knew packing could be this exhausting?

I glanced outside from my window, just below there was already a large crowd gathered that consisted of students and their relatives. Perhaps calling them student was incorrect at this point, since we already graduated yesterday.

I opened the door and took a peek outside. The main hallway was not much different from the school yard, I could even confidently say that it was even worse, stuffed with people along with their suitcases, there were also a lot of people struggling to come out of their room, making the chaos seemingly unending.

Except me, and my neighbor from this same lonely corridor, in which his dorm door still appeared locked, still, without movement.

What was he doing in that damp room of his? Did he realize that today was the day we leave? I was just about to knock on his door, when I heard a loud thud and Kenji swearing just as loud as the noise before.

I guess that was my cue to mind my own business, so I stepped back into the confine of my own room.

I tried to took a full glance of my empty room after I got back inside, as I also tried to remember the time of my first arrival in here, the first time I stepped inside this room.

The dim beige walls, the almost spotless white linen, the also blank curtains that was waving caused by the wind from the open window, the desk that was now empty, devoid of its usual inhabitants: my stack of books -whether if it was my assignments or stuffs that I borrowed from the library-, bottles of medicine, random unfinished scribbles, etcetera, etcetera.

My room has returned to its original state: vacant, impersonal.

I guess it couldn’t be helped, since it was destined to be something that only belonged momentarily, to the person that was residing in it, or in this case, about to reside in it.

I sat down on my bed, before giving in to the temptation of laying in it.

There I was, laying supine. Staring at the once unfamiliar ceiling, still trying to remember my first day in here, or rather the first time in lay in this bed.

Strange to thought that this room would belong to someone else, heck, even the thought of graduating and leaving in the first place.

Whether I realized it or not, I have really grown accustomed to my life in here.

To thought that just like that, my life would abruptly change again, even if I went back into my hometown, it won’t be the same, I would have to essentially start again, learn to adapt in my old environment, maybe even meeting my old acquaintances… in which I would be quickly dismissed, and probably only regarded as some kind of ghost from the past in their eyes.

I felt like… all of this, wasn’t my decision at all, I have never been in control of my own life, I was basically living from what other people has told me to do.

I chuckled at my own thoughts.

This reminded me when they told me about Yamaku, about moving to a school for the cripple, a school for the abnormal, at least that was my initial thought.

Rather ironic that I got so worked up for thinking about going back into my “old” life, even if I could call it that, as if I have a life to return to.

I rubbed my eyes, they felt really weary after my lack of sleep, my legs also still aching from the walk that I took this morning.
Maybe I just hate the prospect of moving out of my comfort zone, because this thought seemed familiar to me, and that stubborn reluctance that has gone for a long time.

Since moving here has pretty much gave me a new objective, no, that might not be the right terms for my situation, giving me a way to finish the task that I’ve already had in my lap might be a more suitable way to describe the situation that I was having.

Staring intently into the ceiling, I watched the cobwebs slowly swaying in the air, from the air that flowed through the window.

Why am I so anxious about it? College wasn’t a bad option for me, it was the most logical next step for me, but then again, I don’t know what major should I took, and I can’t just run from the fact that I was just an average student, with an average final grade, and with no major expertise in any subject.

And say if I passed college -in which I have to carefully select so it could cover the needs of my condition- and got a low risk job, maybe I could risk freelancing, but I need the monthly paycheck for my medicine, so that just left me with the office jobs, those 9 to 5 jobs, and sure it would pay the bills, but my life would basically go nowhere, Getting out of bed and to the office by eight in the morning. Staying until five. Five days a week. With two rest days. Then back at it again. Every week. And with my life that could basically ran out at any given time…

I ruffled my hair out of frustration. I always hated these thoughts, this confusion, this anxiety, about not knowing where to go, about the fact that I’m all alone in this, it just felt suffocating at times…

And maybe I was just overthinking all of this.

Did I really afraid of changes this much?

It felt like everything just moved too quickly.

I stopped because I thought I stumbled across some kind of realization.

Maybe that was how she felt all that time?

I heaved a sigh.

Great Hisao, just keep linking all of your negative thoughts with her, that would surely help.

I got up, and immediately checked the time on my watch, there were still several hours before the train departed.

The thought of proceeding with my self-contemplation and maybe taking a nap crossed my mind, but after I immediately reevaluated my options and remembering that I don’t have that good of a track record with waking up on time, I’d rather sleep on the train rather than missing it entirely.

I took another peek at the hall, the commotion was at least a little bit more subdued than before, after I satisfied with observing my room for the last time, I carried my backpack and picked both of my travel bags, and stepped outside.

I slide the key into the lock, quickly locking the door, and then slide it back out.

Room one-one-nine. Even though there weren’t a lot of good and worthwhile moment that I could remember from this room, I can’t help but to smile a little, at least this was part of my microscopic legacy in this school, something I could gladly call, was mine.

Attempting to have that same sense of closure with my neighbor, I finally knocked on his door, twice, thrice, silence ensued. Damn, that bastard, he must have already left, knowing that he thought of this place, it was only logical on his part.

Walking through the now not-so-crowded hallway, I quickly walked down the stairs into the lower level of the dorm, I took a quick peek and was surprised to find that the common room was still crowded with my colleagues, probably waiting for their families to come and pick them up, they only took little notice of me, even though I could identify some of them as my former classmates, perhaps that was the consequence of me for not being such a sociable person.

And speaking of the devil, as I was about to fetch my keys into the key box on the wall, there I found him standing in the doorway just near the exit, carrying a massive backpack, complete with its external attachments, that I could only imagine were used when someone went mountaineering.

“That’s a huge loadout that you are carrying!” I shouted as I slowly walked to meet him.

Kenji simply stopped moving, and being silent for a few seconds, probably out of confusion until he yelled back.

“Oh Hisao, sup dude!” He hastily turned his back, which caused his massive backpack to sway. “A lot of stuff is in here.” He exclaimed enthusiastically, as he pointed as his massive backpack.

“All important stuff! All of my data, pie charts, the fruits of my researches, all of my gadgets are also stored in here! in which I would have used to exterminate all of those feminists if necessary. And yeah, there is also my pineapple shrimp pizza from last night, in case I’m hungry on my way back.”

I don’t know if I should ask about his gadgets or the fact that he just stuffed a leftover pizza in that bag, in the end, I chose neither of them and decided to go with the more traditional way to continue the conversation.

“So, have you thought of what are you gonna do after leaving this place?” I said as I continue walking through the doorway, finally going outside.

“Easy, I will firstly go home and check on my family, making sure they are okay, and then I will reclaim my possessions that I have left behind, and then I will check my bunker making sure there’s no radical contamination in there, all that kind of stuff, and then-“

I just tuned out most of his blabber, and continued my walk, descending the staircase from the dorm, walking into the garden, into the school yard, until I stopped midway to look at wall near the staircase, into her mural.

I went closer to examine it further, as I noticed that the paint has already faded in some places, even though the vibrant colors and the shapes of the weirdly contorted figures still emitted such a strong impression as they once were.

I tried to took in the full scenery of her mural, even if I haven’t really looked at it in such a long time, I could still vividly remember, helping her mixing colors that, most of the time, only existed in her head, that one spot where I sat down and read while she continued to work on that one humanoid figure, the time that I’ve spent watching her paint-stained feet painted on the wall, while her green eyes just stared into the wall, sometimes wearily glancing around her surroundings.

My gaze were fixed at the spot where we spent our time on the festival day, literally sitting for hours, a stupid decision now that I thought about it, that was the only time I could have enjoyed the festival as a student. Even if spending some time with her was nice, it was mostly in silence, and I couldn’t even remember what we were talking about that time, even though I tried so hard to jug out my memories.

It took Kenji 3 taps on my back, to finally took me out of my daydreaming.

“Yeah?” I muttered half-heartedly at him.

“You were spacing out.” He stated, matter-of-factly. “That’s not good, you know? On a place prone to mind control like this.” He said as he moved and stood beside me, before immediately moved as close as he could into the mural. “Even though I gotta admit, this painting is nice.”

“I didn’t know that you have an eye for art.” I replied, still paying my full attention to the mural.

“It’s hard to look at them sometime, but you know, some of them are good.” He said as he smiled at me.

Shit, how come I forgot about his condition.

“I’m sorry, that was rude.”

“Sorry about what?”

“Well… nevermind then.”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot to ask.” He stated, as he returned to stood beside me.

“Ask about what?” I’ve got my fingers crossed that it wasn’t related to the feminist movement thing, or anything weird in particular.

“Of course about you, what is your next move after this?”

Damn, this marked the first time when his question actually made sense, and unfortunately it was a hard one.

“I don’t know.” I replied flatly. “Haven’t really thought about it.”

“That’s bad, that’s so bad dude, you need to always plan one step ahead, or even better seven steps ahead, you know what I mean?”

I tried to shrug it off. “Well you know what they say, tomorrow never knows.’”

He sharply looked at me.

“Still, don’t lose your intuition, you are one of the best comrades that I have during my time here, so keep that mind sharp!” He tried his best drill sergeant impression, putting an emphasis into that last word, as he pointed his finger at my head.

“Sure, thanks, I guess.”

He smiled, again, even brighter than before, he was awfully cheerful today.

“Let’s go then.” He gestured me to follow him, now walking towards the direction of the school gate.

“I have something that I want to do, so I’m going to stay here for a little bit.” I looked at him. “You are free to go first, if you want.”

At first, it looked like he about to object me, but later he just walked over to me, offering a handshake, to which I accept.

“Okay then, it’s nice knowing you, Hisao.” He smiled as he grabbed my hand, continuing into the most awkward handshake I’ve ever had in my entire life.

“Sure, the same for me.” I tried to smile back, hoping that it didn’t come off as awkward.

“Take care of yourself, man.” And with a quick salute, he ended our conversation by running to the gate, almost losing balance because of his massive backpack.

Even though he constantly living in his own fantasy world, at least his last words seemed genuine, I might even consider that as the only worthwhile conversation that I had with him.

I took another peek at my watch, there were still a lot of time, so I fished out my phone and selected her name from the contacts list.

I called Emi, for the seventh time today, I've tried calling her all this afternoon; just like my previous attempts, all to no avail, I put my phone back into my pocket, where was she? I haven’t seen her since yesterday.

Maybe I should visit her room, but looking at the girl's dorm entrance, my resolve immediately challenged, since the doorway looked very crowded, even more if compared to the boy's dorm, but I guess she left me no other choice.

Walking up the staircase, I prepared myself for an impact with the crowd that resided in the girl’s dorm doorway, until a familiar voice called, no.

Actually, screamed my name with an over-enthusiastic voice.

“Ah, hey, Misha.” I walked over to her, as she was standing near the doorway, with a large pink suitcase right beside her, “Sorry I didn’t notice you before.”

“Maybe you need to start wearing glasses, Hicchan~! Like Shicchan~! How come you didn’t notice your own classmate!” She put her hands on her hips, and started to make an exaggerated frown.

“Must be because of your hat.” I pointed at it, after I put down both of my travel bags.

Her trademark pink hair, that was cut short a few months ago, was covered by a red cap, with the words “Liberty, united we stand” written on it, which was probably why I didn’t notice her before. She also wore this girly long-sleeved pink shirt that featured a wobbly smiley face on it, and a light beige skirt.

Maybe she noticed me observing her attire, because she let out her usual trademark laugh.

“Is my fashion choice really that amazing until it left you dazed like that?”

“No, I’m more curious on why are you standing near this crowded doorway, all alone, I thought you and Shizune are inseparable twins.”

Her laughter immediately gone after hearing my remark.

“Me and Shicchan are separate entity, you know!” She yelled, pouting her lips. “And yeah, she already left earlier this morning, after checking out the new student council with me, her father and little brother actually came along to help her packing her stuff.” A big smile immediately formed on her mouth. “But now, at least I have you Hicchan~! You are here to accompany me, right? Right!?”

“Well, I would like to, but unfortunately I have a train to catch.” I half-lied to her, sorry Misha.

“It can’t be helped then.” She festered an exaggerated sigh. “What are you doing here then?” She folded her arms. “Wait, wait, wait! Let me guess! You are here to pick up Emi aren’t you!?”

I actually surprised at her reply. “You got me.” I held up my arms in defeat. “How do you know though?”

“Since she’s the only person that you hang out with most frequently, aside from me and Shicchan of course, but that’s just because we’re on the same class, isn’t it?” She smiled at me, satisfied with her analysis. “Also aside from that painter girl that have moved, what was her name again? I haven’t seen her in a long time.” She said as she put her finger on her chin, making a thinking pose.

“Have you seen her? Emi I meant.” I tried to redirect the conversation.

“Hmm, I think she left the dorms earlier today, with a one big suitcase same like mine! At the same time when Shicchan also came out with her luggage too, talk about timing, right?” She laughed again, it started to rub on to me. “Too bad you can’t take her on a one last, graduation date now Hicchan~!”

“Huh? so, you think we are an item now?” I folded my arms, trying to force out a smile.

“Well, from what I’ve heard anyway.” She smirked in return. “I don’t know that it was true though.”

I sighed, I better off leaving than getting teased all afternoon. “Alright then, I better leave now.” I picked both of my travel bags. “See ya!”

As I walked two steps away from her, when she immediately shouted at me. “You really just gonna leave me like that?!” As she put both of her hands on her hips, classic Misha. “Where’s your manner? I though you are a gentleman Hicchan!”

“Kidding.” I put down one my bag, and offered her a handshake. “I thought we already did it yesterday.”

“That was as a fellow classmate, but this time.” She accepted my hand. “This time we bid farewell as a friend.”

I couldn’t help but to actually smile at her. “Goodbye then, take care of yourself.” Nothing popped into my head, so I just repeated what he said earlier.

“Same with you.” She looked at me with a smile that I could only interpret as genuine, with no signs of her usual somewhat mischievous grin. “We’ll meet again, Hisao, don’t you dare forget about that!”

I was actually taken aback when she called me with my actual name, not with that annoying nickname that she used to call me all the time.

“Sure, I’ll look forward to it.”

She waved her arms when I walked away from her, descending down the staircase, again.

I stood in front of her mural, wondering on whether I should continue searching for Emi, on the track field maybe, or should I just call a taxi and go straight to the gate.

I chose the latter, since I figured that maybe she has already home and probably sleeping by now; with that in mind I immediately picked up my phone and ordered a taxi. While I sat down on one of my travel bags, right on the spot where as I perfectly recalled, was the spot where we spent our festival together.

I could perfectly recall our time peacefully sleeping in here, disturbed the bright sparks and the loud noises of the fireworks, as she was leaning on my shoulder, just exactly as I remembered, every movement and every gesture, even if the words still escaped me, I still remembered how her hair brushed against me, and when she opened her dark green eyes. All that was, still felt so real to me, there we were, watching the fireworks, the first time I felt some kind of connection with her, even if it was, through this weird way of connecting.
I took another glance at her mural, I still remembered the time after I got back from buying that ticket for the train, after our last… conversation, my mind couldn’t think of anything else but her, her wet soggy hair, and her skin that looked so fair, how her green eyes blew goodbye, with her words in my heart, losing someone that I care about just left my mind awry; this mural, seeing it directly after all of that… just added more salt to the open wound.

When I left for the summer holiday, I couldn’t bother to look or even glance at it, all I cared about was that this mural didn’t exist, or anything related to her, after I got back from my vacation, I stopped going to the art club entirely, I stopped walking into that dandelion covered hill, I stopped meeting Sae or even that pretentious art teacher, which I completely ignored whenever I met him in the hallways, I even stopped hanging out with Emi for a few days, all in an vain attempt to somehow got her out of my head.

But look where all of that effort took me.

Here I sat down and tried to reminiscing it all.

I took another glance at my watch, 21 minutes passed since I ordered that taxi, it should have already arrived by now.

I got myself up, and dusted the dirt off my bag, my eyes kept peering over into her mural, I let out a mental sigh, one last time, I told myself.

So, I stood there, observing it, her biggest legacy on this school, even if it would eventually fade away with time, just like the memories of our experiences together, it would certainly leave a mark on me, and quite literally, on that wall.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, tried to stabilize my own heartbeat, even now, I caught my mind replaying those scenes, which just looked like some forgotten dreams at this point.

Then I continued my walk, with a brisk pace through the garden and then into the school yard, glancing through all of the buildings that I often overlooked, the main building and the auxiliary building, I noticed that the entrance of the nurse’s office was crowded with a lot of people, mostly by my underclassmen, maybe Emi was also in there, but then again I guess it was too late for me to made a visit there, and we already bid farewell to the staffs yesterday anyway.

While I made my way into the black iron front gate, I noticed a familiar figure already stood there at the front gate, Emi stood there beside a red suitcase, she was different than usual, her hair was left undone, lacking its usual twin ponytails, she was wearing a short denim pants, and a crème colored halter neck top, surprisingly there wasn’t a lot of people on the front gate, maybe they were all dwelling in the dorms whilst waiting for their pick-ups.

At least I have someone to talk to while I was waiting for my taxi, and I got to do a proper farewell with her. My heart was overcome with relief, as I immediately walked to her and called her name.

“Hisao!” She turned back, seemingly confused by my sudden appearance. “I thought you already left the school?”

“I also thought that you did.” I moved closer and stood beside her, dropped both of my bags simultaneously. “Misha said you already left earlier today.”

“Yeah, I came to the track meeting earlier, more like another one of those farewell party to be honest, you know Miki and the boys, as if they already haven’t had enough partying last night, after that I just went straight to the nurse’s office, to say goodbye, you know how it is.” She giggled playfully.

“You must be pretty busy then.” I sat myself on one of my bags. “I already called you like 7 times today.”

“Oh yeah, my battery ran out last night, and I forgot to charge it this morning.” She fished out her phone from her pocket, and showed its black screen to me, which reflected my face in return. “The other reason why I came to the nurse’s office was to call my mom to come pick me up.” She replied as she looked up into my eyes. “Where have you been though? I visited you this morning and you don’t seem to be at home.”

“Ah, I’m sorry, why didn’t you tell me last night?”

“To be honest, I wasn’t planning to do it earlier, it was just some kind of impulse I guess, I was just thinking if we could go out for a jog since it’s our last day in here.” She jabbed me on my ribs. “Get those old bones moving you know?”

“Hey, I did get out of my room! Did you think I was just sleeping around all day in my room or something?”

“Could be, could be. Last night’s party was really draining anyway.” She stuck her tongue out. “It’s really unusual for you to wake up early like that.”

“Well like you said before, since it is our last day and all that, I figured walking around and taking in the scenery won’t be that bad.”

She held up her hands in defeat. “Okay, okay. I trust you.”

Silence ensued afterwards, we have gotten used to it by now, there was always this pattern when we hung out together, it was always started with a robust conversation, and then it eventually died down, until someone between us decided to broke the silence.

In this case, she broke it first.

“Everything just moved too fast, isn’t it?” I glanced up to look at her, while she was gazing into the cloudy blue sky. “Seem like only yesterday when the nurse told me to keep an eye on you.”

“Yeah, I also remembered the first time I tried running with you.”

“And then you quit halfway through.”

“It was my heart. Do you want to carry me to the nurse or something?”

“Yeah, I know Hisao, I know.” She averted her gaze from the sky, looking down on me. “At least you did your act of retribution by joining me in these past months.”

“You kept pestering me to join you anyway.” I looked up at her in return.

“Like you have anything better to do at your room.” She nudged my head. “And besides, don’t you like being pestered to maintain your health by a cute girl like me?”

I shrugged. “No comment.”

I looked at her again, now continued gazing into the sky, so I followed her lead, and tried to make myself as comfortable as I could on my extemporary sofa.

“Hey.” She looked down, creating a shadow that loomed over me.

“Hm?”

“Can I sit here?” She pointed at my other bag that was laying on the ground.

“Sure.”

“Thanks, I’ve been standing here for at least 30 minutes by now.” As she immediately dropped herself onto my bag.

She took a can of soft drink from her suitcase and offered it to me, I declined because I already brought a water bottle in my backpack, she shrugged as she opened it, and immediately drank all of its content.

“I know this maybe sounds cheesy, but I think I’m going to miss this place.” She stated after she threw her can into the trash bin nearby. “I will definitely miss the track field though, and maybe not that much with the people here.”

“You know that you can just run in your neighborhood complex, right?”

“It won’t be the same… I know it because I already tried it last summer holiday.”

I imagined her running around in her neighborhood, and then suddenly being chased by her neighbor’s dog or even suddenly collided with some random pedestrian, I can’t help but to giggle at the thought.

She noticed this and shouldered my arm, lightly pushing me.

“Anyway, how about you Hisao?”

“What about me?”

“Yeah, will you miss this school?”

“Hmm, I think it’s the same with you.” But I guess our reasoning were different though, since I didn’t really know that many people in here.

She pouted her lips. “So, what you are saying is that you won’t miss me?”

“Hey, you said it yourself, not me.”

Another silence, this time we gazed into the sky together, sitting on my bags, this was actually comfortable, I wouldn’t mind doing this all day.

“Hey Hisao.” She briefly turned her gaze at me.

“Yeah?”

She set her eyes into the sky again. “Do you miss her?”

I sighed, and moved so I could lean against the red brick wall.

She then looked straight to me. “I know that you went into that hill today.”

I bowed my head, looking down at my shoes. “Just… don’t ask, okay?”

“Why not?” She said while still maintaining eye contact with me. “She was also my friend Hisao, even if you are closer to her, don’t forget that I’ve spent three years in here with her, you know how upset I was when I heard her moved out just like that.”

“Where are you going with this?” I finally meet her gaze.

“Maybe I don’t really know about what’s going on between the two of you, but I know at least you are in a very close relationship with her, because she left a very big impact on you.”

I don’t know what to respond to her, so I just stared into her green eyes, her eyes that filled with a mixture of both curiosity and slight distress.

“Look I’m sorry for bringing this up, I know that you got your own reasons, but I just want to know. I just need to know, because I can’t figure it out for myself, I’m just, I’m just confused Hisao. Why are you so upset with this? Aren’t you supposed to be happy for her?”

Happy. How funny. I stood up from my seat, which made her jumped a little bit.

“Happy? Why should I be happy for her? Should I be happy for pushing her into something that she clearly doesn’t want? Should I be happy for pushing her into self-destruction? You don’t know anything Emi… you don’t know a single thing.”

Emi was silenced by my sudden outburst, probably even surprised by it. I didn’t even raise my voice, but I could hear the poison in my own words when I slurred them out.

“And since you are so curious about it, I’ll tell you the truth, I was all my fault. I was the one who drove her away, that damn exhibition? She wanted none of that, and yet there I was, thinking I was supporting her, thinking about how I know what was the best thing for her, I was just, I was just… too dumb, and then it was all too late.”

Emi just sat there, fazed, with an expression that I couldn’t even read, this might be the first time I ever saw her like this. I guess I’ve already passed the point of no return then.

“You’re free to hate me if you want.” My lips quivered as I let out those words. “You see? I just drove everyone away, not just in here, even in my old life. I can’t keep anyone Emi, I’m just a horrible person like that, that’s why I deserve it.”

I prepared myself for the worst possible outcome when she stood up to meet me, and it was my turn to be fazed when she hugged me, with her head on my chest.

“So, do you feel any better now?” She looked up, locking her eyes into mine. “That was a lot of things that you keep inside.”
My vision became blurry, because of my glassy eyes, dammit.

“No, it’s not. I’m, I’m sorry Emi, I’m sorry…”

“I also pushed her you know. Saying things like ‘it’s important to have ambition’, yadda, yadda, and all that motivational stuff that famous people said.” She unwrapped her arms, and steadily took some steps back from me.

I paused, trying to think of a good way to phrase what I was about to say. But before I can launch into another self-loathing speech, she has already spoken. “Yes, I know that it’s not the same Hisao, but you’re not to blame for all either. That’s all I can say to you.”

She just looked and then smiled at me, to which I weakly returned.

And with that, we both sat down, and again, enveloped in silence.

“I’m sorry for lashing out on you.”

“It’s fine, it was me who brought it up first.” She replied without looking at me, instead gazing into the distance. “It’s a boundary that I shouldn’t have cross in the first place.”

“Still, that’s not how I’m supposed to treat a friend like you.”

“It’s okay Hisao.” She smiled at me. “I think I’m used to it by now.”

Even though she kept smiling and said those reassuring words, I can’t help but to sense that her mood has changed, her words felt more subdued than before.

“Then I’m sorry for being bitter all the time.”

“I already said that it’s okay Hisao. Save your apologies for somebody else.”

No, that was just how she has been acting for the past months. So that was another thing that different, she was awfully cheerful earlier, and when she asked about her, I think that was the moment when she was really honest with me.

Great, I really did mess up everything aren’t I? I breathed heavily, trying to calm my heartbeat into a steady pace, which seemed to have caught her attention.

“You alright there?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Sure.”

“What’s on your mind then?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know… it just feels like… like I can’t get anything right anymore.” I sighed. “I’m just feeling blue, that’s all.”

She actually chuckled after she heard my remark, which gradually evolved into a light laughter.

“Glad to see that you have found humor in my suffering.”

“No, it’s just that, I was just imagining if Rin was here, she would probably ask ‘what shade of blue is it?’ or something like that.”

Her laugh proved to be contagious.

I looked into the sky, watched as the clouds slowly drifted by. “I want to meet her again someday, at least I just want to make sure that she is okay.”
Emi looked at me, with a smirk on her face.

“You know, I really do sometime jealous of her.”

“Why?” I curiously glanced at her.

“She has someone that really care about her, even if it looks like she tries really hard to forget about that person.”

We sat there and talked for a bit, following our usual conversation pattern, in which we subconsciously took turn on who would break the silence, this continued on until my taxi arrived.

“Nakai? Hisao Nakai?” The middle-aged driver called my name, stopping the car right in front of the gate.

“Yep, that’s me.” I raised my hand and stood up from my seat, Emi also stood up from hers, dusting off her shorts. “Can you pick these up please?” I pointed at both of my bags.

The driver came out and immediately picked them up, putting them in the car trunk.

“Will she also come along?” He asked, looking at Emi.

“No! I’m still waiting for someone to pick me up.” She exclaimed cheerfully, or what I thought so.

“Alright then.” He said while he slammed shut the car trunk, and returned to the driver seat.

“So, what are you going to do next?” I asked as she leaned herself against the brick wall.

“I’ll definitely go home and maybe immediately take a nap.” She said as she stretched her body.

“Maybe I’ll do the same.” I chuckled.

Once again, we stood there in silence. She gazed at her shoes, where I was struggling to find the words that I wanted to say.

“Damn, I’m really bad with goodbyes.”

“Just say what first pop in your head then.” She replied, redirected her gaze at me.

“If you say so.”

“Yeah?”

I wrapped my arms around her, which caught her off guard at first, but she eventually snapped out of it and hugged me in return.

“Thanks for earlier… no, not just that, thank you for being there for me through all this time.”

“Heh, the same for you.” She pushed me slightly, loosened our hug. “That’s what friends supposed to do right?”

We took a step back from each other.

“Goodbye Emi!” I waved a hand at her. “Take care!”

“See ya!” She waved back to me. “Don’t forget to call me when you’ve arrived!” She shouted just as I shut the passenger’s door.

I told the driver about my destination, he just nodded and started the engine, Emi still waving when the car moved, slowly descending down the hill of Yamaku into the highway.

I could see the driver’s curious glances from the rear-view mirror, probably trying to find what was wrong with me. Maybe this would be a label that stuck with me for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I couldn’t care less.

Instead, I just focused my gaze into the scenery that decorated my window. The greenery of the moving trees, the vast blue sky, with the clouds were moving and making various unique shapes.

It was such a beautiful day. This view, it somehow felt familiar to me. Like the cloudy sky after that rainy first summer day, almost the same view when I rode that bus back to Yamaku.

I wondered did she also gazed into the same clouds that I was seeing now.

The funny thing was how I thought it was impossible for me to forget about her.

But now, I couldn’t even remember half the things that we said during our last… encounter.

I didn’t know what to call it anymore.

I didn’t even know what to call us back then.

Were we lovers? Or were we just two teenagers clinging into each other, hoping that it would make the loneliness gone away?

Was it even love? Or was I just very enthralled by the idea of being in love?

Or maybe it was just me… was it wrong for me to weave my wishes into what she said?


Did it even matter anymore?

She told me to forget about her, just like how she would forget about me.

Maybe I would eventually forget about her, somehow.

But I knew she was still somewhere out there right now.

The trees and the natural scenery were soon replaced by rows of houses and the tall imposing buildings.

The station must be near then.

I continued my sky gazing, even if the view was disturbed by the tall buildings and the various city’s obstacles.

Everything really did move too fast.

Today marked the first day of rest of my days.

Maybe there was no use getting so anxious about it.

There was no use dwelling on what might have been anyway.

A sheepish smile swept across my face.

So, lighten up squirt.
She only exists when she's on a screen

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Amadeuuus
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Re: Some Shades of Blue

Post by Amadeuuus » Sun Apr 12, 2020 10:52 am

Some behind the scenes, commentaries, and extras:
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1u55G2 ... noAXAZ3ooB
She only exists when she's on a screen

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Mirage_GSM
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Location: Germany

Re: Some Shades of Blue

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Apr 17, 2020 11:23 am

First of all, welcome to the forums!

This has the potential to be a really beautiful story...

I think the stongest part is the second half after meeting Emi, so I think the parts with Kenji and Misha detract from that a bit and could have been kept shorter or left out entirely.

The biggest problem however is the grammar: Verb forms, tenses, singular/plural, prepositions, outright missing words... it makes the story quite hard to read.

Since English is probably not your first language I recommend you try to find a proofreader. There are quite a few people here who offer this service for free if you ask.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Oddball
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Re: Some Shades of Blue

Post by Oddball » Fri Apr 17, 2020 10:36 pm

Pretty good story. I really liked hos you handled Misha and Kenji. There was a lot of personality in them without playing too much into their more over the top aspects. The story itself had that a nice wistful everyday sadness to it and captured that feeling of having to say goodbye and move on whether you wanted to or not.

Still, the wording in the story was often awkward. You may want to work on that.
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