Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Post Reply
User avatar
FrauPerchta
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:39 am
Location: Innsbruck, Austria

Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by FrauPerchta » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:28 am

Hello everyone; a brief introduction before we get to the story. I'm FrauPerchta, or Chloe if you prefer. I haven't been super active here, but the one thing I did do is write a secret santa story for Mirage_GSM at the end of 2017 (I've been meaning to join the two secret santas since then but keep forgetting. This character actually comes from that fic; though she's evolved in my head and the context has changed pretty dramatically. I started work on this early last year, but got bogged down; luckily, I've had a burst of inspiration lately that has helped me finally churn this out. I hope you enjoy this, and feel free to offer some constructive criticism, especially if there's something you think is awkward or poorly written. I apologize ahead of time that most of these updates are going to be on the shorter side of things; I struggle writing in longer chunks and its simply better for time management purposes. I figure more, shorter updates are generally better for everyone, but some of you might not enjoy that so I simply wanted to let you know ahead of time. I also apologize that my writing style will probably be a bit odd; I'm deviating from the style of the VN, especially in dialogue, where structurally and in terms of meaning want to convey formal elements and such without interspersing English with Japanese, meaning some things will sound odd. I also come from a culture that also uses [Family Name, Given Name] in formal settings instead of [Given Name, Family Name], so I made sure to include that. I like to think my English is pretty solid, though it has its eccentricities that I seem to have inherited from my Dad and the Austrian way of speaking as a whole (though my standard German is atrocious, as I never went to school there. I'm working on it). As such, you might see an abundance of semicolons, ellipses, the occasional overuse of rhetorical questions, and strange ideas on what formality should look like when compared to American customs in particular; though from my understanding, pretty similar to Japanese standards.

Also, in universe, I wasn't sure when Lilly moved into her dorm, when the student council split up, and if we even have any info on that. As of now, I'm winging it, but if you have better information please let me know and I will make adjustments accordingly, if need be. I appreciate that greatly.

The fic's title comes from a Leonard Cohen song of the same name; I found it deeply amusing, as the song is to some degree about being othered, especially disabled, and includes a setting of a school for, as he puts it, crippled children. The names of various parts will come from lyrics from the song, the first of which will be "For I am Blind". As you can see, this is at some level deeply amusing, and fitting for many, many reasons. Its also an excellent song.



Chapter Links

Part 1: For I am Blind
Chapter 1: Meetings and Greetings
Last edited by FrauPerchta on Sat Jan 11, 2020 2:28 pm, edited 4 times in total.
This is not a signature.

User avatar
FrauPerchta
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:39 am
Location: Innsbruck, Austria

Re: Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by FrauPerchta » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:29 am

Part 1: For I am Blind

Chapter 1: Meetings and Greetings

There are many incredible things about Autumn when compared to other seasons; it is rarely hot or frigid, and compared to spring, it is far less prone to extended rainstorms. But, above that are the leaves; golds and reds weaving a tapestry of colors so vibrant and bold that you have to wonder if any painting or even photograph can match being face to face with them blowing in the slightest breeze. Of course, neither can even hope to match them in terms of physicality; paint has the advantage over a photograph, where the different textures of materials, distinct strokes of paint, and the wear inflicted by time can tell their own story. But it is the leaf that can its story in such a ephemeral way; dissolving underhand as if nothing was holding it together at all. A single painting tells a hundred stories, sure, and a leaf tells one; but in a sea of leaves, I know which I’d rather admire.

There is also the advantage of location; paintings are hung in museums and galleries, while leaves are everywhere, in nature; along the walkway, by the bench. I don’t have to travel far from my dorm room to find a place to sit where I can admire the show of decay that nature puts on, every year; something far more relaxing than some crowded museum. Not to say I don’t like museums; they have things you can’t easily find. But there’s just something so much more peaceful about experiencing it under a blue sky. Part of what ultimately makes me come out here is escape; if I’m careful, and watch as every leaf falls, pay attention to every shift in the wind, and look at the tiny differences in color between the leaves, I eventually forget what worries I have and feel better for it; at least for a while. That’s the way many students at Yamaku cope with whatever frustrations they may have; they’ll come out here, to the beautiful campus or even down into town, and simply observe, sit, and wait. I suppose it’s something much of the student body and the elderly population of the town surrounding Yamaku have in common.

Of course, that’s hardly true for every student. Even on beautiful and peaceful days like these, there will be shouting, running; there will be those who go and hide in their rooms, or spend all their time and energy dedicated to some club. But if I had to guess, Yamaku has a higher proportion of my type than a normal school would; people who like it slow, who watch, wait, and reflect instead of rushing into the world. Its what some of us have to do; we’d never keep up if we tried to match the pace of those who run in head first, and isolating oneself is among the most dangerous things a student can do; though in some cases, like with the poor girl just two rooms down from mine, there’s nothing anyone can do. Some people just have to hide themselves away to stay safe, to heal. Luckily, I think I’m past that stage.

But there’s still the fact that something has brought me out here; I could lie and say nothing is really on my mind, I’m just enjoying the pleasantness of the day, but the ache in my legs and my increasingly uncooperative left eye are clear indicators that something is amiss; as it always is. My condition is exhausting on the best of days, but its only been getting worse as of late and a sneaking suspicion, a weight at the pit of my stomach, has a guess at what that means; for me, my body, and what the rest of my life is going to be like. I spoke with the Nurse yesterday, and he feels the same. I’m going to see my doctor in a few days to confirm it, but I already know my condition is permanently worse than it was a year ago, and far worse than when it started. The eye thing used to annoy me so much; double vision made it hard to read classwork, and other students started to make fun of my inability to put together a proper facial expression no matter how hard I tried. Of course, that’s when I came to Yamaku and things improved for me, at least socially, but that was before the aches that started early in the day and only got worse; before I needed my cane to walk down the hallway without breaking into tears from how much my legs hurt. I’m used to it now, but there’s no denying that its been starting earlier and getting worse. I can only hope my doctor approves some kind of other treatment or can confidently give me a point by which it will stop getting worse. I know that won’t happen, but I hope nonetheless.

I stand, brushing the red and gold remains of broken leaves from my lap, pushing myself up with the help of my cane, my small bag hanging to the other side. My first few steps are a bit painful and shaky before I find my gait, legs loosening up a bit. Short distances are difficult, and longer ones near impossible, but it’s the space between, where my body is used to moving but hasn’t had time to wear down, that makes for the easiest walk. And I can recover well enough afterwards; a result of my muscles being confused as to how fatigued they really are, I suppose. A smile crosses my lips as I walk back to my room; I feel good, so far, body glad for the long rest I gave it and happy to support itself for at least a little while. My long hair blows a bit in the wind, and I’m tempted to go back and sit out here a bit longer; but the sun is already setting and walking around in the dark is far more stressful and riskier. Its best to use the daylight while I have it; a picturesque sunset looming to my left as I make my way along the pathway. A few students are still out and about but are kind enough to stay out of the way, something you don’t appreciate unless you have a condition that will bring you to your knees if you stand too long.

So, of course, as soon as I enter the dorm, I can see that the room next to mine is obstructed; someone’s carrying some kind of furniture in there; I guess someone is moving in mid-semester. I’m unsure if it’s a new student, but as I approach, I can see that there are actually two people and one of them is clearly not a student; all dressed up in business attire but carrying what appears to be a drawer. As I approach, I get a better look at the two; both blonde and tall, clearly relatives. But they look too similar in age to be mother and daughter- sisters, then. Luckily, it seems the two of them have it handled, which given my uselessness in helping with any kind of lifting is certainly a great reassurance. Though they’d probably notice the cane. As I get closer, I start getting a better look at them; I try not to make my gazing too obvious, but the business suited one seems to notice me. Red eyes; how curious. Shorter hair than her sister, and of slimmer figure; if she wasn’t in a suit, she’d seem the athletic type. And given that she’s carrying most of the weight, I’m probably right. The other one is wearing the school uniform and has a comparably more feminine figure; actually, given the height, she’s probably pretty similar to my build, though I doubt she has the same muscle-related difficulties I have considering she’s at least making a token effort at carrying what seems to be pretty heavy furniture. They disappear into the room, eventually, but reappear around when I’m next to the door. Part of me wants to continue into my room; I’m tired, and I slowed my approach to allow them time to get the thing in the door anyway, so I’m nearing the point where I’ll sit on the ground if I have to. But that’d be a horrid introduction to a new neighbor, and I’d be an idiot to miss the opportunity to meet someone. So, begrudgingly, I bring myself to a halt just outside their door. Turning to the one in uniform, I begin to speak.

“Nice to meet you. I am Tanaka Mayu, a student here; and I assume you are as well, though I do not believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you yet. And it seems I am your new neighbor, so I hope we are beginning a good friendship.”

The first thing I notice, aside from her height and the strange but natural-looking hair color, are her blue eyes. It takes me a moment to recognize that she’s blind, or at least has all the telltale signs. I haven’t seen much of the members of class 2-2, being in class 2-1 myself. Regardless, I’m impacted by how refined she appears, and beautiful too; I wish I could keep my expression in such a neutral and concise way. I turn to the other woman and bow my head, careful not to neglect her in my introduction.

“And pleasure to meet you as well. I hope I am not mistaken in assuming you are not a student; regardless, it is wonderful to meet you.”

I try my best smile, though I can feel how incorrect it is, and have to choke back a groan of frustration at being unable to do something so simple without botching it. The suited woman gives a sympathetic smile at my attempt, which I appreciate despite it being somewhat embarrassing. The other doesn’t seem to react to what I can only assume is a grimace, only reinforcing my assumption that she is blind. It is her that is first to respond, even though her appearance is refined it is her speech that impresses me.

“An absolute pleasure to meet you. I am Satou Lilly, and this is my older sister. I am a student here, though I am only now moving into the dorms. I hope we are on the path to friendship as well; thank you for making me feel welcomed.”

Her sister chimes in immediately after, almost seeming excited to speak. “You hit the nail on the head; what gave it away?” she laughed, tugging at her suit like it was a prop in some standup routine. “I’m Satou Akira. It’s nice to meet you.”

Her greeting is far more informal, though I can hear a hint of businesslike refinement just underneath every breath; as if she could easily switch to being incredibly, uncomfortably formal with ease, but doesn’t as much for her sake as for mine. It’s a different kind of skill, to be polite but still casual, and I’m nonetheless impressed by the introduction of these two, smile still stuck on my face. At least until my mind drifts back to my legs.

“Well, I’m terribly sorry, but I have to cut this short; I’m not supposed to be on my feet for too long. Miss Satou Lilly, I hope to get to speak to you tomorrow, and Satou Akira, I hope we meet again. It’s been a pleasure to meet you both, and I hope you have a wonderful night.”

Both give a kind nod and similar farewells, though I get a wince out of the older of the two when my knee shivers under my own weight. Retreating into my room, I practically collapse into my bed, holding back the desire to scream into my bedsheets. Even standing for conversation is miserably painful; how humiliating. At least I didn’t entirely botch the introduction, with only the older one seeing my missteps. Though I do wish I had known someone was moving in ahead of time; it would have been nice to prepare instead of being surprised on my way back to my room. Still, she seemed nice, and it would be a shame to pass up at least attempting to get to know Miss Satou. Perhaps I’ll ask if she would like to meet at lunch, if she has no other obligations. I fall asleep hoping that she’ll accept.
This is not a signature.

User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 244
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by Feurox » Sat Jan 11, 2020 1:43 pm

Hi! Welcome to the Forums! If you were around in 2017, you'll notice many familiar faces still around!

Before I jump into the story itself, I thought I'd just point a few things out from your introduction:
FrauPerchta wrote:
Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:28 am
I apologize ahead of time that most of these updates are going to be on the shorter side of things; I struggle writing in longer chunks and its simply better for time management purposes. I figure more, shorter updates are generally better for everyone, but some of you might not enjoy that so I simply wanted to let you know ahead of time. I also apologize that my writing style will probably be a bit odd; I'm deviating from the style of the VN, especially in dialogue, where structurally and in terms of meaning want to convey formal elements and such without interspersing English with Japanese, meaning some things will sound odd. I also come from a culture that also uses [Family Name, Given Name] in formal settings instead of [Given Name, Family Name], so I made sure to include that. I like to think my English is pretty solid, though it has its eccentricities that I seem to have inherited from my Dad and the Austrian way of speaking as a whole (though my standard German is atrocious, as I never went to school there. I'm working on it). As such, you might see an abundance of semicolons, ellipses, the occasional overuse of rhetorical questions, and strange ideas on what formality should look like when compared to American customs in particular; though from my understanding, pretty similar to Japanese standards.
The length of this first chapter is very manageable, and if you prefer writing in shorter bursts than that's absolutely a fine direction! I would stress that it's important to have a backlog of updates ready for any long form project, in case things change and you need to change the direction of the story etc. Secondly, your sentences seem fine. A little stiff in places, and perhaps unnecessarily formal, but I didn't notice anything major. That's very good! If you're concerned about that becoming a problem in the future, you're more than welcome to contact me for proofreading or many others on the forum. (There is a Discord server that most of us hang out on. If you'd like to join that, just drop me a message and I'll send a link over. It's a good place to get early feedback and help etc. And very friendly and fun.)

Next:
FrauPerchta wrote:
Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:28 am
So, on the character; I'm not giving you a bio, but just to give you info you should have but she wouldn't talk about in a straightforward way, at least at this stage in the fic; she has Myasthenia Gravis, which is an autoimmune disease that affects the interface between nerves and muscles. It affects the eyes in most cases, but can also affect the rest of the facial muscles, limbs, and even parts of the respiratory system in severe cases/episodes. The result of this is general weakness, rapid fatigue throughout the day, and an ability to properly control several body parts which manifests as drooping eyelids, incomplete closing of the mouth, and abnormal gait. For this reason, she has a cane, which is common for people with moderate to severe cases of the disease. For more information, start with the Wikipedia article. However, its not necessary to have a complete understanding of this information to enjoy the story.

Also, in universe, I wasn't sure when Lilly moved into her dorm, when the student council split up, and if we even have any info on that. As of now, I'm winging it, but if you have better information please let me know and I will make adjustments accordingly, if need be. I appreciate that greatly.
I'm never very fond of telling us rather than showing us information. In my opinion, giving us this information about your OC's condition is a bit of a let down, because you could have found a way to let us know that more fluidly and in a more interesting way in the story itself.

Furthermore, from my experience and knowledge of KS, I believe Lilly moves into the dorms in her second year. That being said, this is one of those details that, providing you're willing to do the leg work to explain logically, wouldn't matter much anyway. Nice to know you're keeping the canon in mind!

Anyway, onto the story itself:

That was a lovely read and an excellent teaser for what's coming! I think maybe the introspection is laid on a bit thick at first, but since this is a little short segment I didn't get bogged down in it. Having your OC have Lilly move in besides her (especially during second year) gives us plenty of interesting little thoughts. Will she know Hannako? Will they have a falling out? Does their relationship continue into third year? It's bold to tackle stories set before KS actually begins, and I'm excited to see where you take it! Good luck, and again, welcome!

User avatar
FrauPerchta
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:39 am
Location: Innsbruck, Austria

Re: Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by FrauPerchta » Sat Jan 11, 2020 2:27 pm

Hi Feurox, and thank you! To address some of your concerns you raised;
I'm never very fond of telling us rather than showing us information. In my opinion, giving us this information about your OC's condition is a bit of a let down, because you could have found a way to let us know that more fluidly and in a more interesting way in the story itself.
I'm keen to agree, and I only reluctantly posted that information because I didn't want to add unnatural exposition to the story, like the doctor telling Mayu about a condition she's lived with for almost two years or her going over it to herself. I suppose there'd be more room for that later, and I'm tempted to edit it out. I just don't want her disability to be a mystery; I feel like its in bad taste to have people guessing or theorizing about what a character's disability is. Actually, seeing that it bothered someone else, I'm removing it. Thank you.
Furthermore, from my experience and knowledge of KS, I believe Lilly moves into the dorms in her second year. That being said, this is one of those details that, providing you're willing to do the leg work to explain logically, wouldn't matter much anyway. Nice to know you're keeping the canon in mind!
Well then, thats perfect, since I put them in second year classes. :)
That was a lovely read and an excellent teaser for what's coming! I think maybe the introspection is laid on a bit thick at first, but since this is a little short segment I didn't get bogged down in it. Having your OC have Lilly move in besides her (especially during second year) gives us plenty of interesting little thoughts. Will she know Hannako? Will they have a falling out? Does their relationship continue into third year? It's bold to tackle stories set before KS actually begins, and I'm excited to see where you take it! Good luck, and again, welcome!
Those are exactly the type of question I think a fiction set before the events of Katawa Shoujo excel at investigating, and I hope you'll be pleased with whats to come.

After all...
and isolating oneself is among the most dangerous things a student can do; though in some cases, like with the poor girl just two rooms down from mine, there’s nothing anyone can do.
She already tried once. I hope it will be interesting to see Hanako and Lilly become friends in the first place, and how the involvement of a third individual may change things. :) Or as Mayu would say, Miss Ikezawa.
This is not a signature.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6021
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Jan 12, 2020 5:51 pm

Hello and welcome back!

I don't have a lot to add to what Feurox already wrote: Your OC is talking extremely formal - more so than the Lilly in this story, who in turn is talking more formally than the Lilly in the VN. That said, if you know that and did it intentionally there's no problem.

One thing I might add is that the beginning of the story looks like a giant wall of text. I recommend breaking it up in smaller paragraphs. I don't think that will be a problem from here on out either, since I expect dialogues will be more common after the introduction.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
FrauPerchta
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:39 am
Location: Innsbruck, Austria

Re: Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by FrauPerchta » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:33 pm

Thanks, nice to see you again too. Yes, there will be more dialogue, and yes, the increased formality is intentional; though also a product of my attempt to render more accurate translations of how people speak, and not simply substitute american or british standards of formality in for japanese formality. Which again, resembles what I'm used to (im from Tirol, and things like using all titles and saying the name in reverse order) are SUPER important which is also the case in Japanese.

I also like to think the Lilly Hisao meets over a year later is a mellowed out version of Lilly, and even my Lilly is a mellowed version of what she must have been like in her old school.

The walls of text are mostly a product of what I enjoy in writing (extended and often tangential self-investigation and musing: see Mrs. Dalloway); which most people don't. But dialogue helps break that up nicely, so I hope it will become more palatable.
This is not a signature.

User avatar
PsychicSpy
Posts: 36
Joined: Fri Nov 08, 2019 1:34 am

Re: Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by PsychicSpy » Mon Jan 13, 2020 2:15 pm

Glad to see somebody doing Lilly in a prequel fashion (And a good fashion). I'm excited to see where it goes. Lilly was always one or my preferred routes, and sometimes I feel like she doesn't get enough love.

I would have preferred some parts to be broken up into smaller chunks, but that's really my only criticism.

Great chapter, hope to see more!
NO KATAWA BAD
My collection of oneshots
Avenues of Communication: One of the best Shizune/Hisao fics I've read, written by Lap
S10 entry (Misha oneshot)

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2849
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by Oddball » Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:03 pm

The characters read a bit stiff and overly formal for my tastes. The idea is good, but hopefully the characters themselves with loosen up soon. Right now they're just lacking in personality.

Also I notice you use the Family Name then Given name format. I'd give that up as well. KS doesn't use that and it not only adds to the stuffyness but gives the impression of trying to hard to be Japanese.
Not Dead Yet

User avatar
FrauPerchta
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:39 am
Location: Innsbruck, Austria

Re: Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by FrauPerchta » Wed Jan 15, 2020 1:40 pm

Oddball wrote:
Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:03 pm
The characters read a bit stiff and overly formal for my tastes. The idea is good, but hopefully the characters themselves with loosen up soon. Right now they're just lacking in personality.

Also I notice you use the Family Name then Given name format. I'd give that up as well. KS doesn't use that and it not only adds to the stuffyness but gives the impression of trying to hard to be Japanese.
Hi! Thanks for the feedback. I wanted to ask how you would approach writing a character who cares about formality (and another who went to a ?catholic? all-girls school) without it being too bad. I plan to allow them to drop much of the formality, especially with names, in the near future. I'm also worried because I thought that by showing how stiff the character is, you might get a glimpse of her personality, but now you're sayjng its lacking. :/

I don't know if you read my explanation for why I'm using the proper structure for names, which is certianly less readable for most users but I think fits who she is and is honestly a more confortable way for me to write. If multiple people really hate it I'll change it, but I honestly love that cultural custom.
This is not a signature.

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2849
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Please Don't Pass Me By (Lilly x OC)

Post by Oddball » Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:30 pm

I'm also worried because I thought that by showing how stiff the character is, you might get a glimpse of her personality, but now you're sayjng its lacking. :/
I get a feel that the character are acting that way because they're supposed to. They're suppressing their actual thoughts and actions and personality to present a view of what's expected and proper. It's why "getting to know the real you," becomes such a huge thing.

In writing formal characters, i feel you almost have to keep their personalities dry. Always say please and thank you, never express any real opinions, and while it gives the image of a more formal upbringing, the characters themselves don't actually get to do nearly as much.
Not Dead Yet

Post Reply