Post
by Razoredge » Sun Jan 05, 2020 8:40 pm
Prologue
After more than a year of therapy and a whole year of psychological support, I can leave this white hell with my parents. I don’t want to see this place once again, even if the nurses were super nice to me. Before leaving, I thank all the nurses who did something for me during my hospital stay, and I thank my psychiatrist too.
He helped me when I had lost all hope in life, and when the only thing I wanted to know was to kill myself. For more than a year, I haven’t been able to see myself as a human being because of my scars, but he found the right words, and he helped me to regain a bit of self-confidence. However, even if he did a great job with my case, I still avoid looking myself in a mirror as much as I can.
Thanks to him, I don’t want to die anymore, but I can’t help myself feeling guilty about that night. In my mind, I’m sure I could have done something for her if I woke up earlier. Now, I have to live for her and for me because she’s a part of me, and I want to make my best friend proud of me.
Suddenly, a question pops in my mind, as we are going back home in my father’s car.
“Daddy, I wonder, did you make a decision with mommy about my school request?” I ask, a bit nervous.
When I was at the hospital, during a medical appointment with my psychiatrist and my parents, I told them I didn’t want to join my school again. Obviously, they were surprised, and they asked me why. For a long time, I thought of joining a school for people like me, because, in my mind, I was convinced that it would be beneficial for me.
In fact, for my mental health, I can’t stay alone in my corner, and my psychiatrist told me when I could leave my room, to talk to other patients. I met a lot of kind people who were friendly with everyone else, and very helpful, even if they were severely injured. I tried being as helpful for them as they were with me, but for me, it wasn’t enough; I wanted to be more and more useful for everyone there.
This is one of the few reasons that lead me to ask to join a special school, because I want to help other people, as much as these people and the nurses helped me. It can be selfish, but I need being around people, since I can’t bear to stay alone in my corner.
Also, I think these students won’t judge me, and I need to join a friendly environment. I can’t look myself in a mirror, and I’m sure I won’t stand the way others see me if they aren’t friendly with me. These are the reasons I don’t want to join my current school anymore.
“Yeah, we talked with your psychiatrist, and he said that you were the only one who could say what you want to do. Did you make a decision too about that?” My dad asks me, with a sweet tone.
“It was difficult... I don’t want to say goodbye to my friends, but I really need help. I need help to be self-confident once again, and I don’t think my current school can give me what I need. The way the others see me.... scares me... I’m afraid, Dad, I’m afraid, because I think everyone looks at me with pity...” My tone is quiet, and I look at my feet as if I was ashamed.
“You know that’s not true, but we cannot make you change your mind until you’re not ready to do it. We love you, sweetie, it won’t change, you know, and we want the best for you. If you want to join a new school to meet new people like you, if you think it could help you get better, we will accept your choice.” My dad answers me, with one of the brighter smiles I have ever seen.
“But... what about the money...” I whimper, with a sad tone.
“Since your birth, we have made everything with your mother to allow you to get the best education possible, without thinking about the money. We made a lot of sacrifices for you, and we’ll make more and more sacrifices for you if you need it.” My mother nods as she smiles too.
My parents are everything to me, and they did so much for me since I was born. I lay silent, and when we arrive, I hug my parents as strong as I can, because I can’t find any words to show how much I love them.
They allow me to start a new life, a chance to get better, and I can’t let it go. I will need a bit of time to get used to this, but I’m sure they’ll help me with everything, as usual. One day, I’ll be able to help me as much as they helped me during my whole life, and above all, I’ll be able to thank them for everything.
I was afraid they would have seen me as a selfish girl because of my request, but they understood it, and that’s a relief. With my parents, I feel safe, they never looked down in front of me, and they protected me, maybe a bit too much.
In fact, they try to overprotect me because they feel guilty about what happened to me that night. For them, if I was at home during the holidays, everything would be better. I try every time to tell them it wasn’t their fault; but they still feel guilty about this.
But now, thanks to them, I can think about anything else, and it will help me a lot. Explaining this change in my life to my friends will be a different kettle of fish. Still, I’m sure they will understand my choice for those who still has talked to me since my accident. But that’s a different situation, and I don’t want to think about this anymore.
