Post
by Razoredge » Sat Jan 02, 2021 8:31 pm
Act I : Acceptance
Distance
It’s three in the morning, Mom wakes me up by stroking my hair, and tells me we’ll leave in half an hour. Today, I’m going to my new school, it is both exciting and frightening. My parents have prepared me for my new life, but I’m still afraid because this is happening too fast for me.
I wake up, and I sit down in front of my desk with no mirror to do my hair. I had a mirror in my bedroom before, but I asked Dad to remove it, because my scars still scare me, and I can’t look at my body anymore. That’s the reason I let my hair grow, it allows me to hide some of my scars.
When I take a shower, I keep my eyes shut; I learned to spot my shower gel, or my shampoo with my eyes closed. I learned to accept what happened to me that night, but I can’t look at my body, even though I try to tell myself that I’m normal. It will take some time, but at least I don’t have dark thoughts anymore, thanks to my parents and my psychiatrist.
I take a black sweater in my closet, a pair of blue jeans and my sneakers. I’ll have my uniform when I get there, so I don’t worry at all about that. In the living room, a large bowl of rice with salmon awaits me, with a bowl of soup. Mom always makes a wonderful breakfast, and I’ll miss it at school, but that’s how it goes.
Yuki, my cat, comes to me, asking for hugs while stealing some of my salmon, meowing to taunt me. I will miss her too. It’s half-past three, and it’s time to go because the journey takes at least four hours. I’m half asleep, and I already know I will sleep during the trip, but it doesn’t bother me, I get carsick most of the time if I don’t sleep.
My stuff is in the trunk, and I take one last look at my house with a sigh. It doesn’t take me too long to get back to sleep, so I don’t realize how long this trip is. When we arrive, after a four-hour trip, the first thing I notice is how quiet this place is. It’s something I appreciate, because I avoid noisy places like the plague, that’s why I live in the country, and I can’t thank my parents enough for that.
Also, living in the countryside helped me to be alone; the way other people looked at me, when I left the hospital, hurt me a lot. Now, I can leave my house, I can stay in public, but the slightest comment about my physical appearance still hurts me a lot.
“So, Sayuki, what do you think?” Dad asks while stretching. The car trip was quite painful for him.
“It’s a lovely place, quiet and beautiful, but I like our house better.” I can’t help myself thinking about it, even if I try my best.
“We know everything is new for you, sweetie, but you were strong enough to bear everything you had to endure, and we’re proud of you.” Mom adds with a kind smile. “Next year, you’ll be in college. It’s an opportunity to prepare yourself for it.” She says, kissing me on the forehead.
“Yeah, I know mommy, but I can’t get used to it for now, no matter how hard I try.” I sigh, looking at my feet.
“Even though we’re not here, you know we’re here.” He points my heart and my head out with his finger, with a kind tone. “And if you feel lonely, don’t be afraid and call us, even in the middle of the night. We love you, sweetie, and we won’t leave you.”
I have the best parents in the world, they always reassure me, and I can’t thank them enough for that. They have always been like that with me, but since that night, they are even more kind with me. It’s probably because I almost died that night that they treat me like a princess.
“Do you know why I must see the Nurse today, by the way? Nobody gave me a reason. Maybe it’s for a brief speech, but I don’t know why today.” I add while taking my bag.
“Yes, he will ask you how you’re doing, if you’re worried about your fresh life, that kind of things. He does the same things with all the fresh students, don’t worry, sweetie.” He answers with a smile.
“I’m not worried at all, I just wanted to know why he wanted to see me today. Did he ask for a specific time?” I hate to be late, but sometimes, I forget to do what I was supposed to do.
“Not at all, you can meet him whenever you want.” Mom replies.
I’ll see him when they’re gone, but for now, I will spend my time with them, as much as I can, because I won’t see them for a long time. We head for the dorm, and Mom reminds me to ask to the Nurse if I can see a psychiatrist here, or find psychological help, because I still need it.
My room is on the second floor, room 132, I have to remember that number. When entering the room, the first thing I notice is the sheer absence of mirrors, which is a relief. That being said, I don’t know if they made it on purpose, or if every room has no mirrors. With Mom, I put my clothes in the closet; I didn’t take too many clothes because they will give me some uniforms.
“Did you take everything you needed, sweetie?”
“I think so, but if I forgot something, it doesn’t matter, I can live without some things, Mom, don’t worry.”
I know they would come all the way down here to bring me something, but I don’t want to. They already did so much for me, and it would be a shame if I asked them to bring me something I forgot at home. Thanks to her help, everything is stored in my closet. She taught me how to store things efficiently in a tiny space like this one, it will be useful when I will live in an apartment.
“Now that everything is in place, what do you want to do, sweetie?” Mom asks with her lovely tone.
“Before arriving here, I have seen some nice fields. Would you like to have a walk with me there?”
“Everything you want” she answers, as we leave my room, and then, the school.
This place is wonderful, everything around me is lovely. That’s easy to say, since I like the countryside and its peace. It will be hard for me to live in a big city, mainly because I hate the constant noise of a city, it prevents me from sleeping. I can still enjoy some peace here, but it will not last forever, and I need to be prepared for it.
Before us, there’s a large flower field with tall grass, like the one I loved to play in with my parents when I was a child. This kind of memories always makes me smile, everything about my childhood is a lovely memory, especially because they did everything they can to give me a wonderful life. That’s why they blame themselves about what happened to me in this camp. Even if I try to tell them they had nothing to do with it, they always feel guilty about it. That’s why I try my best to spend a lot of good time with them, to take their minds off their troubles.
I’m holding my mother’s hand in mine as we stroll around, silently, exactly like I did when I was a child. In these moments, I’m acting like I used to before, without fully realizing it, but I like these moments. I take off my sneakers, and the grass tickles my skin, a wonderful feeling I love.
“This is a lovely place, I think I will often come here to clear my mind.”
“That’s a good thing to do, sweetie. Strolling around is a good way to find the peace of mind.” Mom approves. She was used to walking in the woods when she was young, especially when she was angry at her mother.
“It would be better to stay with you at home, but I know you can’t home school me… I’ll try to take things one step at a time, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the other’s gaze, I’m afraid of not fitting in this school, I don’t want to be alone…” I whisper and the smile I give is sad.
“We won’t leave you, sweetie. We know it’s difficult for you, everything is new, but you’re strong, and everything will be fine. If you don’t feel well, call us, you will never bother us.” Dad beams, stroking my hair.
“I know all that, but I can’t help myself thinking like that. I know you’ll always be there for me, and I’ll always be there for you too, I can’t thank you enough for that. However, I can’t get that idea out of my head.”
I close my eyes, and I let out a sigh of despair. My parents will always be there for me, but I’m afraid, like a child before her first day at school. Yet, I want to make some progress, and I have to swallow my pride and accept to be helped by my parents and by a psychiatrist. I will ask for psychiatric help, I want to get back my joy of living, and without help, I know I will waste my time.
Nevertheless, I want to spend a good time with my parents, and I clear my mind by looking at the sky. Concentrating on the shapes of the clouds can be a good way to think about something else. It works on me sometimes, but as soon as I think about what I was supposed to forget, it doesn’t work anymore.
Dad slides behind me and carries me when I wasn’t expecting it. I always loved when he carried me in his arms when I was younger, I felt protected and loved. I can’t help myself, I still love when he does it, even if I’m almost 19 years old. He carries me against him for some delightfully long minutes, before putting me down. I stay with them in this field a few more minutes before returning to the school, because they have to leave soon.
On the way back, I remain quiet, preparing myself mentally to see my parents leave. It’s true that I stayed alone in the hospital for months, without seeing my parents that much, but it was one of the worst moments in my life, besides that night. And because of that, it hurts a lot to be separated from them, even if I need it. This year will be a training for my future life, I’ll try to become less dependent on them.
Near the dorms, I choke up; I don’t want them to leave, but I can’t ask them to stay here too much. I grit my teeth, trying not to cry in front of them, I need to be strong, for them. When we reach my bedroom, Mom hugs me while stroking my hair. I can’t help myself but sigh, trying not to cry as much as I can.
“We need to leave, sweetie, do you have everything?” She asks kindly.
“Yes… If I need something else… I will buy it, don’t worry…”
“Don’t worry, Sayuki, it will be fine. If you need it, call us when you want, we will be there.”
I hug them for a few seconds before I resign myself to let them go, with a sigh of despair.
“I’ll miss you… A lot.” This is the only thing I can say, otherwise, I will burst into tears. They leave my room after kissing me on the forehead and telling me how much they love me. As soon as they leave my room, I jump on my bed, crying, my head on my pillow.
My parents mean a lot to me, I don’t know what I can do without them. I need to become less dependent on them, but as soon as I’m alone, it hurts. They did so much for me; they helped me when the only things I had were dark thoughts. And above all, they accepted my will to be enrolled in this school, away from home, because I felt I had a need for it.
I can try to get used to this, to be strong for them, to make them proud of me. After what they did for me, it’s the least I can do.
