Miracles,Kilts and Lilys

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synthetic bruh
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Miracles,Kilts and Lilys

Post by synthetic bruh » Tue Oct 01, 2019 7:35 am

"How do u call your etablissment a cafe, if you don’t even serve any coffee."
Lilly was not a big fan of this idea. She’s now 18 years alive and she never had the urge to use the world wide web. So when this new Internet Cafe opened right next to the Shanghai, it seemed like Hanako was the one interested.
But knowing Hanako would be too shy to make such proposals, it was Lilly, who asked her, if she wanted to give her a proper introduction to the internet.
Not because she changed her mind about the internet being mostly a waste of time, but because she wanted to do something with her best friend. Scottland, Hisao, the exams, it’s been a pretty busy time.

"Well okay the first thing I want to show you is Skype."
Hanako was already in her element. Moving the mouse and typing on the keyboard like an expert. Lilly was listening patiently.
"I think you’re gonna like this one. See, you remember when you told me that the internet would drive people away from interacting with one another ?
"Yes" Lilly said, while suppressing her laugh.
It´s not necessarily what Hanako said what she found amusing. No, it was rather the sudden eagernes and confidence she always had in her voice when she´s talking about something she likes. It was like she forgot her shyness for a brief moment and showed a glimpse of the real Hanako.

"With Skype you can talk with people all around the world. The only thing you need is a computer, a headset and an internet connection."
" That could be useful indeed."
"Yes let´s say you want to talk with your parents. You could just call them and if you have a webcam you can have a videochat and actually see them..."
As soon as Hanako finished her sentence, her eyes widened with shock by what she just said.
"I..I mean..."
"You should have told me beforehand that the internet has such miracolus powers my dear" Lilly said. This time she let out a little chuckle.
"S..sorry"
Lilly of course wasn’t upset, so she quickly changed the topic.

"So what’s next on the list"
Hanako needed a moment to collect herself but then continued.
"Alright next up is Wikipedia. Wikipedia is basically the biggest lexicon in the world. Doesn’t matter if you´re searching for historic events, famous people, animals or literature. There’s a lenghtily article about everything."
"Everything, you say? " Lilly raised an eyebrow.
"Yes we can try it out. Just tell me something you want informations on."
Lilly pondered for a bit.
"Okay, I want to learn some trivia about green tea."

Only a few clicks later Hanako not only told her when it was approximately invented, but also every variety of green tea in alphabetic order.
" Wow I’m truly impressed. From now on I´m gonna use Wikipedia for all of my homework"
"Hmm no I wouldn’t do that. Wikipedia isn´t popular among the teachers."
"Oh? " Lilly was surprised
"The problem is, that everyone can write and edit the posts, so itֹ’s not a reliable source. Some people even make a game out of it by filling the articles with made up infos. The more absurd the better."
"Hmm"

After adding a little spice into the scottish independence wars by claiming that the english wanted to ban the scotts from wearing their cilts, Hanako proceded to show Lilly several websites. The weather forecast, online shops, newssides, they even found the website of a newspapper from Lillys hometown.

"I feel like we made quite a journey today."
"Yes, but I wanted to show you one last website before we go. Do you ever heard of Facebook?"
" I heard of it... The name sounds somewhat familiar."
"They call it a social media, you make yourself an account and then you can communicate with people all around the world."
"Oh so just like that Sky thing"
"Yea.. no it’s kinda hard to explain. Let’s just try it out and make yourself an account okay?"
So Hanako quickly made her an account and send the log in data to Akira because according to Lilly it was always good to have a back up, if she forgot them.

"Okay first things first, your name"
"Wait. Don’t use my real name. Haven´t you heard the stories of young women been tracked down through the internet? My Mother told me about them."
"Okay so...what should I write"
"How about "The Literature Girl"
This time it was Hanako who couldn´t supress her laugh.
"You’re not serious are you. How are people gonna recognize you?"
" Didn’t I made myself clear. The goal is that people won´t know who I am"
After a brief exchange they agreed to at least include her first name. Lilly S.

"Now it’s time to design your page. Do you want to add a profile picture."
" I can’t leave it blank can I? That would leave a bad first impression. But I don´t want to have a picture of me in it. The risk of beeing abducted by one of those lunatic internet people."
"Of course,you don’t have to"
"Do you have?"
"Uhm... no I have a picture of a cat playing a piano."
"That sounds so cute. But you never told me you had a cat back at home"
"I don’t, it’s a picture from the internet."
"Who made it ? "
" I don’t know."
" I wouldn´t be pleased if someone just used my cat as a profile picture."
"It´s okay everyone does that"
"Just because everyone does it,doesn´t make that right"
Hanako never felt more annoyed with Lilly but she decided to stay calm.

"Look Lilly I don´t think there´s an alternative right now. We either take a picture of you, or one from the internet."
" I have a better idea. We make a picture on our own"
"And of what?"
Lilly thought for a bit
"I have a great idea. Look there’s a flower shop just 2 minutes from here. You remember him right? "
Hanako nodded.
"Once you got there , take a picture of a nice flower bouquet and come back. Flowers will give my page a warm and welcoming feeling."
As Hanako wanted to rush out and take the picture, she was stopped by Lilly.
"Wait, I don’´t just want any flowers. Ideally it should be lillys."
Lilly laughed fullheartedly at her own remark. Hanako smiled wrly, but more because of the relief that they finally got that out of the way.

"How do you like my Facebook Hanako?"
"I...It’s cute."
"Anyone already visited my page?"
"No, not yet. You need friends."
"I thought we were friends?"
"Facebook friends. Other people you might know and use Facebook."
"Hmm I know you... maybe Akira? I don´t know to be honest. I don´t have that many friends. How many friends do you have?
"Around 200."
This time it were Lillys eyes who were widened with shock.
"Who are these people?" Lilly said with a lot of surprise in her voice.
"Uhhmm you know family, friends..."
"Do I know them?"
"Yes some of them. Let´s see there´s Emi, Hisao, Saki, Miki,Chisato, Misha,Shizune...
"I didn´t knew you were so popular young lady"
Hanako could only smile at that remark.
"But I never saw you talking with each other."
"N..no b.."
"Or do you just talk online?"
"No we don´t talk with each other."
"Why not? You´re friends after all."
"Facebook friends are different okay. You just add anyone you might know."
"I see, so why don´t you message them?"
"They don´t want to talk to me"
"Are you sure?"
"They would have messaged me otherwise."
Hanako saw that Lilly had difficulties understanding all of this.
"Listen, that´s normal okay? Everyone uses Facebook that way. There´s no need to be upset about this."
" If you say so" Lilly said with a concerned look on her face, which quickly dropped to her usual pokerface smile.
"You have to excuse me for a bit my dear. I have a call to make." She said as she suddenly stood up and left the cafe.

After Lilly stood up Hanako logged into her account. Still zero messages... Lilly was clearly wrong. In school she was like a ghost. The sole fact that they accepted her request was an act of kindeness she couldn´t had expected from them. None of them talked with her in the real world, so why would it be different online?
Maybe because it’s easier to write with someone, instead of talking with him face to face. Maybe she wished that in these lonely nights, when Lilly was upsent someone would reach out to her. Just asking her how her day was, and make a bit of smalltalk about school and other stuff. Just something nice to keep her mind occupied, so she’s not alone with her thoughts.

Suddenly she recieved a message, from an account with a flower profile picture.

Dear Hanako

This is my first message I’ll write to someone on the internet. Technically it’s Akira who’s writing this right now but those are my words so I hope you´ll like them. ;p (added by Akira. You forgot to tell her about the emojis. Maybe it´s for the best if she doesn´t know though )
I don´t know if you noticed it but lately we haven´t seen each other that much. That´s why I was so excited for this even though computers are definetly not my cup of tea ( I’m not lying she laughed almost a minute about this """joke""")
I want to thank you for having the patience to teach me everything. I know I’m not the most pleasent student but I hope you somehow found a way to enjoy this too. I’ve mistaken myself earlier though. We aren´t friends. We are family, and you´re like a sister to me. And to be honest with you, the person who’s actually writing this is not feeling different.
This message wasn’t planed to be too long but theres one thing I have to tell you. I’m so proud of you. The girl who snuck into my room and silently drank her tea with me is no more there. When I look at you now, I see a confident, young women who is so strong . I´m so proud to have you as my sister.

Sincerly
Lilly
(p.s Hit me up if you want to gossip about sis IT-skills :) . She once asked me how long it takes until an E-mail arrives)

After that Hanako rushed outside.

"Lilly!"
"Oh I was just heading back. Sorry that the call took so long you know how Akir"

Hanako interrupted her with a deep hug. She burried her head under Lillys, while she stroke her hair.

"Thank you.. sis"

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Feurox
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Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: Miracles,Kilts and Lilys

Post by Feurox » Tue Oct 01, 2019 10:18 am

I feel it prudent to acknowledge that Synthetic Bruh's ‘Miracles, Kilts and Lilys' was written in response to the Yamaku Academy discord server competition, and that as such, they were assigned one of three potential judges to give feedback for their piece. It so happens that I was requested by Synthetic Bruh for this process; I'm honoured.

As mentioned in the other posts I've written in response to competition posts. The pieces were judged on a point based system, and that system included a point for SpaG and a point for style, with three remaining points to be allocated for our personal thoughts on the story. It is a shame, then, that this story is simply, and I apologise for my curtness, poorly written. Even the title is misspelled. It should read 'Lilly', with two 'l's.

The first line is incredibly off putting:
"How do u call your etablissment a cafe, if you don’t even serve any coffee."
This should read:
"How do you call your establishment a café, if you don’t even serve any coffee?"
Furthermore, this sentence comes across lazy. I know that you can spell 'you', so why not? Since this is your first sentence it sets a tone for the rest of the story. I'm going to quite quickly rattle off the problems with SpaG here, because it's not something I want to harp on, but needless to say, this really needed some work and it cost the readability quite harshly.

1) Your tenses are all over the place. You need to keep a consistent tense throughout.
2) Spelling in general needs a lot of work. I believe you wrote this on word, correct? I think I have the original document. If so, trusts the spelling corrections for the most part - it normally knows better than you do.
3) Formatting. Try double spacing your paragraphs, and make sure you use paragraphs appropriately. Either the speaker should have changed, or the subject should have.

I'm attaching a link to the tips for fanfic writers here: viewtopic.php?f=52&t=2485 There's a lot to read here, but it's important that you do if you'd like to improve. It can be quite hard to read through this story with how poorly it's written.

That being said, I don't like to focus on simple negativity. There's a lot to like about this story. Hanako teaching Lilly how to use the internet is a simply beautiful idea, and the interaction between them, whilst a little out of character for both, is genuinely heart warming. There are even some truly adorable and funny moments there, like Lilly's confusion about what a profile picture should look like, and how long an email takes to arrive. If you could separate the poor grammar and spelling of this story from it's content, I bet you'd have a really beautiful and fun story about two friends. I also love the insight that Hanako reverses the roles on Lilly by having more friends on facebook then Lilly, and Lilly has a moment of brief hope that Hanako has come out of her shell.

All in all, this is a lovely story, but it's let down by the poor spelling and grammar. Take a good read through that post I linked you to, and take your time with your next piece, and I bet you'll produce something wonderful! Thank you for choosing me as your judge, I hope you found this useful.

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Oddball
Posts: 2811
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Re: Miracles,Kilts and Lilys

Post by Oddball » Tue Oct 01, 2019 10:07 pm

The very first line you use “u” instead of “you”.

Next line …
Lilly was not a big fan of this idea. She’s now 18 years alive
You switched tenses on me.

You actually switch tenses quite a bit thoughout the story. Might want to work on that.

Also... “eighteen years alive?” I know what you mean, but that's phrased really weird.
"Yes let´s say you want to talk with your parents. You could just call them and if you have a webcam you can have a videochat and actually see them..."
There needs to be either a comma or a period after the yes.

Also, whenever you do these... it's three dots. Not two.
"You should have told me beforehand that the internet has such miracolus powers my dear" Lilly said. This time she let out a little chuckle.
comma after powers. Although Lilly calling her “my dear” doesn't seem right anyway.
"Yes we can try it out. Just tell me something you want informations on."
Comma after yes.
" Wow I’m truly impressed. From now on I´m gonna use Wikipedia for all of my homework"
Missing punctuation after “wow”. Also, I really can't imagine Lilly saying this,
Some people even make a game out of it by filling the articles with made up infos. The more absurd the better."
Info not Infos. Also, replace the period after infos with another coma. The more absurd the better isn't a separate sentence (or shouldn't be.)
After adding a little spice into the scottish independence wars by claiming that the english wanted to ban the scotts from wearing their cilts
Capitalize English. Capitalize Scotts and Scottish. Kilt is spelled with a K.

I'm honestly going to be here all day if I keep pointing out the errors. You really need to read though this again.

At least twice.

As for the story, the idea itself is cute, there's even a few good cute moments, but for the most part the execution is sorely lacking. This feels like one of those educational videos you'd see at school and Lilly feels like she's eight instead of eighteen. I'm sure she would have at least heard of some of these things before even if she had never used them.
Not Dead Yet

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