Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW) [DISCONTINUED]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
K1-B0kuma
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2019 2:36 pm

Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW) [DISCONTINUED]

Post by K1-B0kuma » Thu Aug 01, 2019 6:01 am

Hello all, my name is K1-B0kuma. This is my Shizune epilogue, titled "Their Future". It will be updated on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, so please check back often. At time of writing I've already written the first 8 chapters and uploaded them to Reddit/Pastebin, so I have a sizable backlog. I hope you enjoy :)

Their Future

Index

Chapter 1 (You are here)
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5 (NSFW)
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8


Their Future – Chapter 1

The gate looked too pompous for what it was. Its red brick and cold, unwelcoming black wrought iron gave it a sort of haughty attitude. At least, that was what I thought when I first came to Yamaku. Now, the gate is like an old friend, inviting me back into the lush green gardens. This is… home.

I move to enter, but I’m stopped by the brown-haired woman beside me.

“Wahaha~! Why so eager, Hicchan~?” Misha laughs her trademark laugh and beams at me. I rub the back of my head and laugh apologetically.

“Heh, sorry. Guess I’m just excited to see the old place again.” At this, she grins at me once more, silently agreeing.

Without exchanging another word, we step through this familiar gateway together, allowing waves of nostalgia to wash over us. Seeing the beautiful campus once more, I allow myself to reminisce about all the memories I had here: Kenji’s mad ranting, the long days and nights spent in the Student Council room, and especially the Tanabata celebration, where Shizune and I admired the fruits of our labours, and where we found love with each other.

I am interrupted from my memories by the school’s headmaster, a seemingly young man in a black suit, with spiked up black hair that doesn’t quite seem to be able to stay down.

“Aha! You must be our new teachers! Mr. Nakai and Miss Mikado, was it?” We nod in affirmation, and he beams at us, reminding me of the old head nurse. I briefly wonder if he still works here, but resolve to find out later, as the headmaster has already set off on a tour of the academy. He sets a brisk pace, and I’m thankful that Shizune reminded me to take my meds this morning.

He brings us all around the school, showing us how much the place has changed since we graduated. We stop in on the Student Council room, and I notice how the room seems more in use than when we were here, and I ask the headmaster about it.

“Hm? Oh yes, the Student Council is quite large this year! We’re very proud of how involved the students are in the school!” I make a note to myself to tell Shizune about this; I’m sure she’ll be pleased. Or maybe she’ll get competitive with them, like usual. Odds are 50/50 on that one.

Finally, we stop outside our old classroom: 3-3. The headmaster opens the door; the place is just as I remember, though the blackboards have been replaced by electronic whiteboards.

“Both of you remember this place, of course.” The headmaster states, clearly displaying that he’s done his research. “Mr Nakai, however, I would suggest you refamiliarize yourself with it, as you’ll be spending a lot of time here.”

I’m slightly confused by this, before I remember that I’m not only replacing Mutou as the science teacher, but also as homeroom teacher for class 3-3. The headmaster grins as realisation dawns on me, and I step into the classroom, taking it all in. The sunlight hits my old desk perfectly, as if to say that I am well and truly home.
Last edited by K1-B0kuma on Thu Aug 15, 2019 10:32 am, edited 9 times in total.
Find my fanfictions on Reddit (https://redd.it/9jettb) and Pastebin (https://pastebin.com/u/The_Numismatist)

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5929
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Aug 01, 2019 10:06 am

They've assigned the same teacher the same class number every year? Seems strange, but maybe it's feasible at a small school like that.
Not much to say about the story so far from just the one chapter. I'll be following it.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2798
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by Oddball » Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:07 am

I think the closing line about this being home would have worked better if you hadn't already used it when he first arrived.

Other than that, there's not enough here to really judge by yet.
Not Dead Yet

User avatar
K1-B0kuma
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2019 2:36 pm

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by K1-B0kuma » Fri Aug 02, 2019 12:24 pm

Their Future - Chapter 2

We continue our tour around the school, briefly stopping in on Misha’s own classroom, a primarily pink place that excited her greatly. Finally, we made our way to the headmaster’s office, sitting down on the two leather armchairs in front of his desk.

“As you two know, you’ll be starting in a week’s time, once the summer’s done. I’ll be glad to have you here! Do either of you have any questions?” Misha and I look at each other, silently repeating the question. I think briefly about asking him about the head nurse, but I decided against it, as that’s probably not the kind of question he wanted. After a few seconds, Misha shrugs, and so do I.

“No, I think we’re good. We’ll be glad to finally be back here properly.” He grins at this in understanding.

After a few brief goodbyes, he leads us out the front door, back into that vibrantly green garden, full of memories. Misha and I walk together to the front gate, both of us lost in sheer nostalgia. I may not have been here for a long time, but even that left an impression on my life. It was, after all, where I found my girlfriend. Heh, I suppose I have my heart attack to thank for that.

“It almost feels like we never left.” Misha suddenly says to me, breaking me out of my daydream. We’ve reached the front gate now. This is the last I’ll see of her until next week. I smile and nod at her.

“Yeah, it really does. How are you feeling about actually teaching here?”

“I’m feeling really excited~! And super nervous~! All at once~!”

“Heh, I know how you feel.” With that, we smile at each other, and say our goodbyes as she walks to her car, and I make my way down the hill, into town.

When I got the job at Yamaku, Shizune and I decided to move into a house in that town, as it was only a walk away from my work, and a bus ride away from hers, an office in the city.

I walk past the Shanghai, which seems relatively bus today, with most of the tables full. I’d planned to have lunch there, but I instead decide to see what I have at home.

The park is busy too, full of kids enjoying the last week of Summer before they get dragged back to school. I sit down on a bench and close my eyes, allowing the warm sunlight to play across my face. I think of how far I’ve come in the past 6 years; my heart attack, joining the Student Council, falling in love… and those university years, Shizune and I making trips up and down the country to meet each other, the stolen moments and long-distance calls. It was such a relief when we could finally move in together, into this quiet little town that’s been so prominent in our life together.
I’m brought back to reality by a dog sniffing around my ankles. I slowly get up, stretch out, and continue on my way home.

After a few more minutes, I reach my house, tucked away in a quiet little corner in the West end of the town. It’s only been a few months since we moved in, but the dark oak door already feels like a welcome sight. I unlock it, and walk in, slipping my shoes off in the entranceway. Shizune won’t be home for a few more hours, so I make myself a sandwich and turn on the television.

A few hours later, the afternoon news is interrupted by the front door opening and closing. I stand up, ready to greet my girlfriend after a long day of work.

After taking her shoes off, Shizune walks into the room, looking pleased, but tired. Her hair is still as short as it’s been since graduation, and she’s smiling with satisfaction. She’s wearing her usual business suit, which makes her look very smart, and unbelievably hot.

I go up to her and take her in my arms. We hug for about a minute before breaking apart and sitting on the sofa.

[So, how was your day? Was the office busy today?]

[It was, but I managed to organise everyone to work as efficiently as possible.] She signs this with a pleased, slightly smug smile on her face. [We got all the work for today and tomorrow done, so I should be able to come home earlier for a while.] We both smile at this, and give each other a quick kiss.

[Anyway, how was the tour of the school?]

[It was like a trip down memory lane! It was nice to see Misha again; it has been a while, after all. We saw classroom 3-3 again, and even stopped by the Student Council room.] This piques her interest. [Oh? How are they doing?] She has a small, competitive glint in her eye, but I ignore it.

[Apparently they’re pretty big this year. Don’t know about what they do, though.]

[Keep me updated. I want to know which one of us wins.] She grins maniacally, and I roll my eyes in mock-exasperation, but I agree to her “demand”.

We sit in comfortable silence for a while, enjoying each other’s company. I look over to her, and I have an idea that could get me serious brownie points. I tap her shoulder to get her attention.

[Hey, would you like a bath? I can run one for you if you do.]

She smiles at me sweetly, and nods.
Find my fanfictions on Reddit (https://redd.it/9jettb) and Pastebin (https://pastebin.com/u/The_Numismatist)

User avatar
K1-B0kuma
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2019 2:36 pm

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by K1-B0kuma » Sat Aug 03, 2019 9:52 am

Their Future - Chapter 3

I’ve laid the table and I’m just serving up the curry when I hear her coming down the stairs. She stands in the doorway to the kitchen, dressed in her beautiful silk pyjamas, hair still slightly damp, watching me with interest as I place the plates of food onto the table. We sit down in our usual places opposite each other in silence, and begin to eat. I notice that she looks much more relaxed than when she did when she came in, and she has a sleepy expression on her face as she absentmindedly eats her dinner.

The evening passes quietly, which is not uncommon in our home, for obvious reasons. After a few hours of watching television curled up together on the sofa, we get ready for bed, and retire for the night. Before going to sleep, Shizune taps me on the shoulder, and signs three words to me.

[I love you.]

I reply by kissing her and turning off the bedside lamp.

The rest of the week passes uneventfully. Shizune reminds me about my meds every day, I whittle time away by reading, taking walks, or watching television, and soon it’s Monday morning, on my first day of working at Yamaku. My heart hammers against my ribs, and I briefly feel ill, but it soon passes as I walk through the front doors, and towards my homeroom.

In my anxiety, I’m the first one there. I glance at the clock and see that there’s still a good half an hour until class begins. I sigh, and log in to the computer, getting my lesson set up. I also decide to look at the files of my students, to see if there’s anything I should know about them. Pretty standard set of students, barring the obvious, and nothing that the head nurse has requested special consideration for.

Speaking of the head nurse, I notice that the same man is still here, even after all these years, which is a pleasant surprise. I tell myself to go and see him later, if time permits.

The class slowly begins to fill up with students chatting amongst themselves, paying no attention to the random man sitting at the front of the room. When the bell rings, the class slowly begins drifting to their seats, and I stand up, ready to impart my knowledge to the next generation.

“Hello class, my name is Nakai, and I’ll be your homeroom and science teacher for the year. I hope that we can have a good relationship.” As I say this, I’m dimly aware that I am also unconsciously signing everything I say. I guess living with Shizune has had more of an impact on me that I thought.

After introducing myself, I start on my prepared lesson, which is basically just an overview of the course for the year. As is the usual in school, the kids at the front look far more interested in what I’m saying than the kids at the back do.
The lesson passes uneventfully, as does the rest of the day. I’ve nothing to mark tonight, so I take the opportunity to visit the head nurse. I’m due for a checkup anyway.

I head out of the school building, walk down the path and into the medical centre. That clean sterile smell hits me as I begin walking down the corridor, looking at the nameplates on the doors. Finding the one I’m looking for, I knock on the door. A voice calls out from inside, inviting me in.

The room hasn’t changed all that much. The health posters are still there, slightly fading now. The man sitting at the desk looks the same as he did when I graduated, the passage of time seemingly not affecting him.

After a brief second, he swirls in his chair, a smile of recognition lighting up his face as he sees me.

“Ahh, Mr. Nakai! Just couldn’t stay away, eh?”

“Well, you know this place. Thought I’d come and say hi, and maybe get a checkup while I’m here.”

He frowns in mock-seriousness. “You know Mr. Nakai, we’re really only here for the students.” he pauses, before grinning cheekily and winking. “Of course, as an ex-student, you fall into a grey area, so I’ll allow it.”

As he’s doing his checks, he starts up a conversation, asking about everything that’s happened since graduation. I give him the rundown, talking about my university years, about my relationship with Shizune, and about moving into the town. By the time I’m done, he’s finished with his checks, and has sat down on his chair.

“So that’s been the story of my life up to now. Anyway, how am I looking?”

“Everything seems in order; your heart’s looking as strong as before, if not even a little bit stronger.”

“Thanks. I’d better be going now. I’ll see you soon.”

The nurse laughs, and smiles a little.

“I certainly hope not!”

I move to leave, but a sudden thought strikes me just as I’m halfway out the door.

“Hey, uh, I don’t suppose you know where the others from my year are now?”

He thinks on this for a moment, before grinning again. “I believe I do. Last I heard, Mss Ibarazaki was trying out for the paralympic team, and Miss Tezuka was an artist somewhere up north. That’s all I can say for sure, though I’m sure your girlfriend can find out about Miss Satou, and she’d probably know about Miss Ikezawa. Update me if you find anything out, okay?”

“Of course.”

We say goodbye again, and I exit the building. I walk down the path to the gate, and I see Misha walking down the path to her car. I’m about to run over to talk to her when I’m suddenly hit in the chest, hard, knocking the wind out of me as I crumple to my knees.

This can’t be how I die…
Find my fanfictions on Reddit (https://redd.it/9jettb) and Pastebin (https://pastebin.com/u/The_Numismatist)

User avatar
K1-B0kuma
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2019 2:36 pm

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by K1-B0kuma » Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:41 am

Their Future - Chapter 4

Darkness.

The world around me is shut out as I focus on keeping my heart stable.

Breathe.

I clutch my chest, doubled over, as my head swims.

My heart settles, and my senses return, just in time to hear “ohmygodI’msoooosorryIwasjustsuperexcitedtobebacksoIwasn’tlookingwhereIwasgoingand-” I cut her off.

“It’s fine Emi - it’s not the first time, after all.”

I slowly stand up. In front of me is Emi, now grown, hair still in twintails, wearing her running blades, and a tracksuit that seems vaguely familiar. She’s wearing a look of concern, which turns to confusion.

“Wait, you know who I am?” she squints for a second, before she recognises me and grins wildly. “Oh my god! Hisao! What are you doing here?”

“Well Emi, I teach here now. So does Misha.” I go to point her out, but she’s already walked to her car and driven off. She grins again.

“Oh! That’s great!”

“What are you doing here? Not here to give me a heart attack, I hope.”

She grins apologetically, and shakes her head.

“Nope! I just came to tell the nurse the good news.”

I raise an eyebrow inquisitively, but she melodramatically turns away. “‘Course, I’m not sure if I can tell you~” I do the same to her, copying her dramatic attitude.

“Then I guess I can’t tell you my big secret!”

“Aww, you’re no fun!” She pouts, a heartbreaking expression that I’ve never quite gotten used to. “Alright, I’ll tell you, but you gotta promise not to tell anyone!”

“Of course.”

“After years of training, and the officials taking foreverrrrrr to decide, I have been accepted into…” She pauses for dramatic effect. “Japan’s Paralympic team!”

I grin. “That’s great, Emi! I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks! It’s gonna be hard work, but I’m really excited for it!”

“So you’re here to see the nurse? I just saw him actually. He’s looking the same as ever.” We share a chuckle at this, before falling into a contented silence for a few seconds, until an idea suddenly strikes her.

“Hey! Lemme give you my phone number, so we can keep in touch!”

We swap numbers and send a few test messages. Satisfied, we put away our phones.

“Well. it’s been super nice seeing you Hisao! We should really get together sometime, for a proper catch-up! I’ll message you when get some free! Sorry for running into you again!” She shouts this while running off, and I chuckle and shake my head, and make my way home.

I arrive at the front door at the same time Shizune does. She looks at me, competitive glint in her eye.

[Race you. Loser does the dishes.]

[Fine. But! The finish line is the bathroom.]

She nods, and begins to count down.

[3...2…]

As she begins to sign “1” and “Go”, I set off, feeling my girlfriend's eyes burn into the back of my head as I charge through the door. I hear her set off behind me, but I’m already halfway up the stairs when she bursts through the door after me. I can feel my heart begin to falter, but I’m already at my destination. She furiously knocks on the door, and I can feel the anger radiating from her through it. I gently open it, and Shizune is standing there, arms crossed, glaring at me. She starts signing rapidly, hands slicing through the air like swords as she stares daggers into my very soul.

[You cheated!]

[All’s fair in love and war! Besides, I needed a head start because of my heart.]

She doesn’t have a reply to that, still not looking happy, but at least I’m not about to be smited. Still, I should probably get her flowers or something when I’m next out.

We sit down on the sofa to cool off, and we idly compare our days. She tells me about her relatively calm day at the office, working with representatives from the Togami Corporation, and I tell her about my visit to the nurse. A memory returns to me, having been forgotten in the excitement of the race.

[Oh! Guess who I ran into earlier Or, rather, who ran into me.] She raises an eyebrow in curiosity. [Emi Ibarazaki. She came to tell the nurse about how she’s a Paralympian now.]

[Excellent! I’m glad to know she’s making something of herself.] She frowns. [Though she still needs to learn not to run everywhere.]

[Heh, the more things change, the more they stay the same.]

She squints at me. [What’s that supposed to mean?]

I smile coyly. [Nothing~]

Before she can respond, I quickly move on. [Anyway, because I’m such a good boyfriend, I’ll do the dishes for you. I did kinda cheat, after all.]

She smiles a little, victorious, and kisses me.

[And what reward do you desire, oh wonderful boyfriend?] She asks when we pull apart. I smile, kiss her again, and lean her back.
Find my fanfictions on Reddit (https://redd.it/9jettb) and Pastebin (https://pastebin.com/u/The_Numismatist)

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5929
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:47 pm

After introducing myself, I start on my prepared lesson,
Hmm... I'm wondering where you're going with this. When you started the setup with his first lesson I was expecting at least some of the students to become important for your story, but them you just skip the whole lesson without introducing any of them.
In fact Hisao himself does not bother to learn their names when he just introduces himself and then starts his lecture...
“Alright, I’ll tell you, but you gotta promise not to tell anyone!”
...
[Emi Ibarazaki. She came to tell the nurse about how she’s a Paralympian now.]
So much for that....
Oh and the scene change from Yamaku's entrance to Hisao's home is a bit hard. that needs to be broken up.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
K1-B0kuma
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2019 2:36 pm

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by K1-B0kuma » Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:52 pm

I was expecting at least some of the students to become important for your story,
Yeah, once I looked back on it I did want to make the students more important, so I'll try to fit them into the story at a later date. Thank you for your feedback :)
Find my fanfictions on Reddit (https://redd.it/9jettb) and Pastebin (https://pastebin.com/u/The_Numismatist)

User avatar
K1-B0kuma
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2019 2:36 pm

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by K1-B0kuma » Mon Aug 05, 2019 8:52 am

NSFW WARNING - The following scene contains sexual content, so be discreet ;)










Their Future – Chapter 5

We break the kiss again, and I take in the sight before me. Shizune is lying down on the sofa, panting slightly from our passionate kiss, a lustful glint in her eye. I kiss her once more, our tongues wrestling for dominance. We break apart once more, and I begin to unbutton her shirt, but she stops me, pushing my hands away as she continues my task herself.

Removing my shirt, she runs her hands over my bare chest, lingering slightly on the large scar over my heart, before moving on, slowly inching downwards, towards my crotch. Teasingly, she brings her hand back up to her chest, and pushes me backwards, seizing the opportunity to take control. Seeing my beautiful girlfriend straddling me like this gets me harder than usual. As she often does, she begins her slow striptease, first removing her blazer, placing it in a pile with my shirt. Then, she slowly unbuttons her shirt. I decided to take back control, and gently push her off me, and sit up, so that I’m kneeling in front of her as she’s lying down.

I continue to remove her shirt, which joins the pile with the other clothes. Her bra-covered breasts lie in front of me, as well as her flat stomach, leading down beyond the hem of her skirt. Her lustful look mixes with a competitive smile, but she allows me to remove her bra, freeing her large, soft breasts. I caress them gently, her face turning a deep shade of red.

After fondling her breasts for some time, I bring my hands down to her skirt, pulling it off her and adding it to the pile in one swift motion. There, in between my girlfriend’s two soft and full thighs, covered by her lace panties, is her entrance, already visibly wet from my teasing. I slowly move to pull the lace down, but am stopped as she shoots up, pushes me over and pins my hands above my head with one of hers, grinning in victory. She then begins to undo my belt, in a painfully slow way, purposefully brushing against my growing erection every so often. It finally comes off, and is added to the pile. Shizune looks up at me, and I see a growing desire in her dark eyes. She removes her hand from my trousers, and brings it up to my face, caressing my cheek. She leans in and kisses me softly, sweetly.

She moves away, and straddles my still-clothed lower half. My erection strains to escape beneath her. Shizune notices this, and smirks. She reaches down to my fly, slowly inching the zip down. She then wraps her fingers around my waistband, inching it slower and slower downwards. Once my trousers were just past my knees, she turns her attention to my black boxers, and my twitching erection beneath.
She lowers herself onto it, and I can feel her heat against my erection, even through both our underwear. Her dark eyes are filled with passion as she begins grinding against me, and she soon closes them, losing herself in the feeling.

I see this as an opportunity to seize control once more. I manage to free my hands from her grip, and lightly push her, which is just enough to catch her off-guard and fall on her back again. This time I waste no time in removing both of our underwear, freeing my aching erection, as well as allowing access to Shizune’s entrance. She looks up at me with a curious, catlike look, as if in anticipation of what is to come next.

We’ve done this so many times, that I can tell that just the competition alone has readied her. Just to make sure, though, I lightly graze my hand over her slit, sending light shivers through my girlfriend’s body. Yep, definitely ready. I bring my erection up to her entrance, and glance up at her one last time, asking permission. She smiles softly at me, the competition seemingly forgotten, and nods.

I slowly push in, glancing up at Shizune to make sure she’s comfortable. Her eyes are shut, mouth slightly open. It’s clear she’s trying to stop any sound from passing her lips, but she’s failing.

“…nnn…”

By now I’m fully inside her, and enjoying the sensations of her inner muscles contracting around me. I reach my hand up to her face, and softly cup her cheek. Our faces move closer together, and we kiss. Her tongue asks for entrance at my lips, and I grant it, exploring her mouth with my tongue as she does the same to me. We draw away, and as I gaze into her deep, dark eyes, all sense of competition is gone, replaced only by passionate lust and love.

I turn my attention back to our lower regions, and slowly draw out of her. I push back in, slightly harder and faster this time, sending a small wave of pleasure through both of us. Shizune’s chest rises and falls with her breath, which speeds up with my next thrust. She’s finding it even more difficult to hold back her moans, and lets slip more.

“Mmngh…”

I’m barely holding my moans back myself, as I pick up my pace, relishing the feeling of her warmth wrapped so completely around my erection. I make sure not to push too hard, as my heart’s taken a beating today. Her muscles continue to clench around me – I can tell she’s close, and so am I.

As well as failing to supress her moans, Shizune is now also barely managing to stop herself from squirming in pleasure. She lets out more moans, telling me she’s almost there.

“Mm… nngh…”

With a few more thrusts, she finally releases, a look of pure ecstasy on her face. The rapid contractions of her inner muscles send me over the edge not long after her, as I let go inside of her. Panting, I slip out of her, lying down across from her still-shaking body. I’m once again glad that my medication prevented me from dying mid-sex.

After a minute of gathering my breath, Shizune crawls up to me and gives me a small kiss on the lips. She signs to me.

[I love you, Hisao.]

I lay a small kiss on her forehead, and hold her closer, her warm body against mine.

We lie there for what seems like eternity, enjoying each other’s embrace.
Find my fanfictions on Reddit (https://redd.it/9jettb) and Pastebin (https://pastebin.com/u/The_Numismatist)

User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 181
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by Feurox » Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:08 pm

First, welcome to the Renai! If you've posted here before then I apologise, but if not, welcome! We're certainly glad to have you. I'm just going to go ahead and address a few things you said in your initial post, just to be clear.
K1-B0kuma wrote:
Thu Aug 01, 2019 6:01 am
Hello all, my name is K1-B0kuma. This is my Shizune epilogue, titled "Their Future". It will be updated on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, so please check back often. At time of writing I've already written the first 8 chapters and uploaded them to Reddit/Pastebin, so I have a sizable backlog. I hope you enjoy :)
I'm very glad to hear you have a backlog of written chapters, I'd recommend you continue that practise, as, I'm sure, would Mirage who first gave me the idea. Try and stay one or two written chapters ahead of the story, in case you find yourself wishing you'd written something in earlier. Also, please take your time with this. Don't schedule your uploads, as nice as it is to be consistent. Just take your time, polish your work, so you're happy with it. To that end, maybe consider a proofreader? Many people on the forum are happy to help, it improves the quality and content for everybody reading. Win - Win.

With regards to the story itself, you're off to a good start, but there are some problems worth addressing now. First let's look at the good.

Your premise is good, Hisao coming back to teach at Yamaku is classic story, but having him accompanied by Misha is an interesting twist. I'm glad to see Shizune isn't the principal or anything and is separate from the Yamaku arc itself. There's also some good potential by having Hisao replace Mutou, and with Nurse still around, there's the potential to have some interesting growth for Hisao, can he fill the boots of his old mentor? Nice stuff.

Your writing style is pretty sound, and you've definitely got a good grasp on writing fluidly. There are few instances that appear a bit stilted, but they'd be swept up by a proof-reader, so again, I recommend finding someone willing.

I do have a few concerns however.

You're walking familiar ground, and as Mirage stated, I was expecting the students to be more important to the story, whilst thus far it's like they don't exist. We're five chapters deep, and I'm not really sure anything has actually happened, there's no tension, no action. A slow boil is fine, but slices' of life should remain exactly that, a slice.

I find it a bit humours and cliché that everyone is doing SO well. Emi as a Paralympian... Rin as a famous artist... Shizune as a position of authority... is this kind of extreme success necessary? It harms the believability of the story, so unless it's going to be actually, genuinely important to the story, I wouldn't later reveal that Lilly is a world famous author, and Hanako now has her own chat-show. (I'm being facetious but still :roll: ). Shizune's position, whilst i'd still argue as unrealistic considering Japan, is at least somewhat tied to the story, so i can look past that.

Lastly, the way you're separating your chapters is a bit peculiar. The worst offender being this:

Chapter 3
This can’t be how I die…


Then...

Chapter 4
The world around me is shut out as I focus on keeping my heart stable.

Breathe.

I clutch my chest, doubled over, as my head swims.

My heart settles, and my senses return, just in time to hear “ohmygodI’msoooosorryIwasjustsuperexcitedtobebacksoIwasn’tlookingwhereIwasgoingand-” I cut her off.

“It’s fine Emi - it’s not the first time, after all.”
What is the point of this chapter division? The scene follows... so why split them up? If it was to create tension, then it didn't work, because the wait isn't long enough and Hisao is immediatly fine, which is a problem in and of itself. Emi has just barrelled into him, and in your story she's an olmypic athelete, - see where I'm going here? Hisao wouldn't shrug this off and it wouldn't be that funny. He definetly wouldn't be making jokes about it so quickly.

I also take umbrage with Nurse giving Hisao a check up - it isn't a grey area, he's a co-worker, not a student. Maybe I just find that weird.

Okay, that was a bit of a barrage.

Let me just re-stress that this is an amazing start! I'm looking forward to what else you have in store for us, and you're clearly a talented writer - good work. :D

User avatar
K1-B0kuma
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2019 2:36 pm

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by K1-B0kuma » Tue Aug 06, 2019 7:37 am

Thank you so much for your feedback. I know the fic isn't great at the moment, but I'll be looking into introducing the students, as well as getting a proofreader, so please stick with it, and I hope I can improve it using your very helpful feedback :)
Find my fanfictions on Reddit (https://redd.it/9jettb) and Pastebin (https://pastebin.com/u/The_Numismatist)

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5929
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Aug 06, 2019 9:53 am

Shizune's position, whilst i'd still argue as unrealistic considering Japan, is at least somewhat tied to the story, so i can look past that.
Oh yes, I was going to comment on that as well but forgot:
Reading the story it seems as if Shizune's already in a leadership position directing personnel when she's fresh out of college... and a woman... in Japan.
Unless she's working in her uncle's company that's just not believable.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 181
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by Feurox » Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:39 pm

K1-B0kuma wrote:
Tue Aug 06, 2019 7:37 am
Thank you so much for your feedback. I know the fic isn't great at the moment, but I'll be looking into introducing the students, as well as getting a proofreader, so please stick with it, and I hope I can improve it using your very helpful feedback :)
I'll stress again that for a start, this is great! Don't get put off! Also, if need be, I can proof-read a few chapters in the meantime until you find someone more suited? You can reach me on here or on dicord. Good luck, I look forward to the next update.

User avatar
K1-B0kuma
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2019 2:36 pm

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by K1-B0kuma » Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:54 am

Their Future - Chapter 6

Eventually, though, I have to get up. I rise slowly, pull on my underwear and trousers, and walk upstairs to the shower, hoping to clean up before preparing dinner. Once the water had got up to temperature, I stepped in, feeling all the day’s sweat and bodily fluids wash off me. I sighed, and my whole body relaxed. My mind started to wander back to the events of the day; my first day teaching, my visit to the nurse and run-in with Emi, my race with Shizune and our “activity” afterwards.

Having washed myself, I step out of the shower and put on clean, comfortable clothes. I come downstairs just in time to catch Shizune collecting her own clothes. We silently gaze at each other, an unspoken confession of love. After a few seconds, it breaks, and we each go about our own business; she walks upstairs to have her own shower, while I begin to prepare dinner.

The rest of the night passes like any other, with the added “bonus” of me doing the dishes for today and yesterday. We kill time by watching the television, and go to sleep with a shared kiss.

The next morning, I wake up slowly, blinking as my eyes adjust to the light. Shizune appears to have already left for work, leaving a note behind saying that she’s taken last night’s leftovers for her lunch, and that I should have gotten up earlier if I wanted it. Looks like it’s cafeteria food today. Great.

I hurry to prepare breakfast and get dressed, and I’m soon out of the door and walking to Yamaku. I’m halfway up the hill when I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. It’s Emi.

> Hey! You never told me your big secret! I can’t believe you’d lie like that!

> Ahah, sorry Emi. I kinda forgot about that. It isn’t that big anyway, nor is it a secret, really.

> The what is ittttttt? Tell me tell me tell me!

> Hmm
Okay, fine
Shizune and I are still dating. We live together in the town.

> Ohmygod!
Hisao!
I’m so happy for you two!

> Thanks Emi.

> That settles it!
This weekend we need to have lunch together in the city
So we can catch up properly!
She sends a link to a restaurant’s website, and we make plans to meet there on Sunday. I message Shizune to let her know, and she adds it to our shared calendar.

The morning passes uneventfully, and soon it’s lunchtime. I decide to check up on Misha, and see how her first day was, so I visit her classroom.

Like all the other classrooms, the walls are white; however, Misha has clearly been doing some decorating, as the walls are also covered with posters, some showing sign language alphabets, others showing common words. Misha herself is at her desk, signing to one of her students, a short girl with long, brown hair.

[- and so that’s why you should always share~!] she finishes this off with a laugh, though I doubt that the girl can hear it.
[I appreciate the moral lesson, Miss, but I just wanted you to explain the homework one more time.] The girl notices me. [Actually, I’ll just ask one of the others. Thank you for the lesson, Miss.] With that, she leaves the room.

“Heya, Hicchan~!” Misha beams at me. I put my hand up in response.

“Hey Misha, how are things? I narrowly missed you yesterday, so I wanted to check up on you today.”

“Aww, Hicchan~! Shicchan’s really rubbing off on you, making you all considerate~!” She allows herself a laugh before continuing. “It’s been really great teaching here. I can’t wait to do it for many more years to come~!”

“Neither can I. Even though some of my students are… less than enthusiastic, I feel like I’m making a difference.” Misha nods in agreement, and we stand in comfortable silence for a few moments, before my stomach reminds me of the time of day.

“Anyway, shall we go get some lunch?”

“Sure Hicchan, I’m starving~!”

We set off towards the cafeteria, idly chatting about the news. When we reach the cafeteria, we both choose the least repulsive looking option, and sit down to eat. It’s not great, but it does the job. We’re eating in silence, until Misha suddenly asks me a question.

“So Hicchan, have you thought about yours and Shicchan’s future much?” She asks innocently, but with a strange look in her eyes.

I put down my cutlery, and squint at her suspiciously, trying to discern her intentions. “In what way?”

“Well, have you thought about marriage, or kids, or retirement, or anything like that?” She still has her trademark grin on her face, attempting to deflect my suspicion.

“Not really, no. I suppose we’ll just take things as they come.” I reply nonchalantly, though I’m still on my guard. Misha frowns at this.

“No, no, no! Hicchan, this simply won’t do! This kind of thing requires planning!”

“What if we don’t want to get married, or have kids?”

“Wahahaha~! Are you sure you know Shicchan? She may be a career woman, but she’s still human!”

I start to stand up. “Hm, suddenly I don’t feel hungry anymore. See ya Misha.” I walk away, and she shouts after me, eliciting a few curious looks from students.

“You can’t hide from it forever Hicchan~!”

We’ll just see about that.
Find my fanfictions on Reddit (https://redd.it/9jettb) and Pastebin (https://pastebin.com/u/The_Numismatist)

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5929
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Their Future - A Shizune Epilogue (Contains some NSFW)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Aug 07, 2019 10:36 am

Hmm... I think this is actually the first story I've read in which Hisao is portrayed as reluctant to marry and have kids.
It's not that I don't think it's a viable possibility, but in a pairing with Shizune I would have pegged Shizune to be more that type.
What IS strange is that Shizune would never have breached the topic before if she really wanted kids. She's way too upfront to just sit out a problem like that like Hisao seems to intend to do...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Post Reply