Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Oneshot thread)

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Hanako Fancopter
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Mon Jul 08, 2019 5:10 pm

I agree, you took a rare pairing and made a nice interaction out of it. In particular you gave Kenji some nice characterization. I noticed at one point they both prefaced a statement with "God," in quick succession, which is either an unintentional result of you overlapping your dialogue or a super subtle big brain way of suggesting they're not as different as one might think.
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Lap
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by Lap » Mon Jul 08, 2019 6:54 pm

I adore the notion that Kenji isn't a total fruitcake, he's just messing with people. Very fun!
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Home: Hanako & Hisao at University, sharing an apartment with their friend Lilly (on Ao3).
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sgtpepper
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by sgtpepper » Tue Jul 09, 2019 3:29 am

Thanks, guys.

The way I see it, Kenji and Shizune aren't all that different, wether it be in game or in this story - they both want something from someone for no other reason other than just having it. If that makes sense?

But that thing with "God," was totally unintentional lol

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Oddball
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by Oddball » Wed Jul 10, 2019 6:18 pm

But that thing with "God," was totally unintentional lol
You should have claimed that was intentional and just sat back and listen to people talk about how clever you are.

As for the story. It was nice. There was some good strong character work. It's not often people try to do both over the top femmenist ranting Kenji and actual laid back acting like a real person Kenji in the same story.
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brythain
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by brythain » Thu Jul 11, 2019 8:53 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:25 pm
Well, that was fun.
And I think it is one of the VERY few stories pairing Shizune and Kenji :-)
Are you mocking me?! I wrote some of those stories! :D
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jul 11, 2019 9:49 am

brythain wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 8:53 am
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:25 pm
Well, that was fun.
And I think it is one of the VERY few stories pairing Shizune and Kenji :-)
Are you mocking me?! I wrote some of those stories! :D
As did I :-)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
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Oddball
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by Oddball » Thu Jul 11, 2019 10:32 am

brythain wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 8:53 am
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:25 pm
Well, that was fun.
And I think it is one of the VERY few stories pairing Shizune and Kenji :-)
Are you mocking me?! I wrote some of those stories! :D
Obviously he means you don't count.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 9:49 am
As did I :-)
And neither do you.

Dammit, Mirage, stop picking on Mirage!

Oh, and I really like this line.
It sounds like two leaf blowers trying to suck each other in
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Oddball
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Re: Lighting Electric Candles (Rin)

Post by Oddball » Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:12 am

I like the style and the interesting twist at the end. it could have been a bit longer though. Some more setup could have sold the story better.
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Jul 13, 2019 9:48 am

Sorry, Mirage, I didn't mean to pick on you... And you neither, brythain :oops:
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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sgtpepper
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by sgtpepper » Wed Jul 17, 2019 1:50 pm

Oddball wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 10:32 am
Oh, and I really like this line.
It sounds like two leaf blowers trying to suck each other in
If I had written this story from Hisao's perspective, I would've mentioned the earmuffs he has to wear to avoid being deafended by Misha's orgasmic screaming. Perhaps fodder for another day...

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sgtpepper
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Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Oneshot thread)

Post by sgtpepper » Thu Jul 18, 2019 1:53 pm

Hey

I've written enough oneshots that it seems dumb to keep making new threads, so this will be my new oneshot thread.

Here are my current oneshots.
Lighting Electric Candles (2/15/19)
The Involuntary Lock-In (5/29/19)
Shizune's Guide to Board Games as Negotiation Tool (7/6/19)



I'll append the list as I keep writing, of course :)

NuclearStudent
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by NuclearStudent » Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:37 am

You've made your last delivery, Shizune. Truth is, the game was rigged from the start.
I have a new favourite from among the contest entries. Fairly snappy from the get-go. But I do have a question.

Why the first couple of paragraphs about Hisao blushing over the fact he's doing Misha? I felt like those could have been omitted and the beginning trimmed down. Because it's not much of a plot point, the casual reference to Misha and Hisao doing it doesn't need the setup.

Secondary concerns:

How does one contort their face into a neutral expression? Almost by definition, neutrality involves no contortion, just flat control.

How aware is Shizune of the range of sounds? It's not intuitively obvious that a struggle would be heard next door, particularly because the dorms aren't constructed in a standard pattern. Even if it's Shizune, I'd imagine she'd ask about this.

Why are Misha and Hisao fucking? This is subjective, but that seems somewhat un-Hisaoish to me. Wouldn't Hisao be worried about Shizune and standing by in case he needs to intervene?

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sgtpepper
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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by sgtpepper » Sat Jul 20, 2019 1:41 pm

NuclearStudent wrote:
Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:37 am

Why the first couple of paragraphs about Hisao blushing over the fact he's doing Misha? I felt like those could have been omitted and the beginning trimmed down. Because it's not much of a plot point, the casual reference to Misha and Hisao doing it doesn't need the setup.

Secondary concerns:

How does one contort their face into a neutral expression? Almost by definition, neutrality involves no contortion, just flat control.

How aware is Shizune of the range of sounds? It's not intuitively obvious that a struggle would be heard next door, particularly because the dorms aren't constructed in a standard pattern. Even if it's Shizune, I'd imagine she'd ask about this.

Why are Misha and Hisao fucking? This is subjective, but that seems somewhat un-Hisaoish to me. Wouldn't Hisao be worried about Shizune and standing by in case he needs to intervene?
To answer your first and last question, Shizune's encounters with Hisao at the beginning of the story and again in the middle of the story are supposed to imply that Misha and Hisao are dating, hence them spending some... time... together.

I agree, "contorting" your face into a neutral expression was just poor word choice on my part. In my defense, though, as this was a contest entry, I couldn't exactly get it checked by anyone without feeling like I was going against the spirit of the contest.

I put Misha and Shizune's dormrooms next door to each other because that's how I figured things were in the actual game, seeing as Misha is Shizune's interpreter. Just creative license.

Hisao isn't worried about Shizune because he knows, deep down, Kenji isn't dangerous, and knows that Shizune can handle herself. While it would've been funny to put Hisao in the corner of the room, watching to make sure Kenji didn't try anything, I think I picked a more realistic option.

I liked the questions, thank you!

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Re: Shizune's Guide to Board Games as a Negotiation Tool

Post by NuclearStudent » Sat Jul 20, 2019 2:24 pm

To answer your first and last question, Shizune's encounters with Hisao at the beginning of the story and again in the middle of the story are supposed to imply that Misha and Hisao are dating, hence them spending some... time... together.
Oh, I meant it the other way around. I thought it was repeated too much.

It okay

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