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Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Wed Jul 24, 2019 1:28 pm
by Hanako Fancopter
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 10:17 am
Okay, first of all, in the Kenji ending Hisao is not "rejecting" other social interaction. Kenij is the only one to ask, so he decides to spend the time with him instead of staying cooped up in his room, which is arguably the more sociable of two options.
Including the Meta, going around the festival looking to meet friends is not an option, because this is the bad end! You get to read it, because you made some bad choices, and there is no getting back from that. In other VNs you get eaten by a shark on the top floor of a hotel because you made a bad choice, but I do not take that as indication for the character's moral failings.

And are you really taking that quote seriously? That is obviously there to inform the reader that they have reached the bad ending.. ^^°
Oddball told me not to view Hisao as an audience stand-in and that it was disrespectful to the character to do so, which I thought was actually a pretty fair point. Now you're telling me that his thoughts don't count as actual characterizations of him because they are "Meta" communications meant only for the player. Which one is it? Is he a distinct character, or is he just an audience surrogate like I initially said?
And do not twist the words in my mouth! Neither Oddball nor I ever said there was "no hint of depression or loneliness" in Hisao. There is not a human alive in whom you cannot find one hint of depression or loneliness, and if there were he would be in a mental institution. I'd say having those feelings from time to time is necessary to be a functional human being.
I can edit my post to read "with relatively little depression or loneliness" instead of "without a hint of depression or loneliness" if it'll make you happy. That's really beside the point though. The point is simply that I see him as suffering significantly from those things around the time of Act 1. Since you're calling me out on this, I assume you disagree?
But even if you do - if you have to resort to the Kenji end to justify your characterization of Hisao's character while disregardding the other 99,55% of the VN then maybe it is no surprise that we have different interpretations of Hisao's character...
This story is explicitly based off of Hisao surviving the Kenji route (which to be fair, you wouldn't know if you didn't read past chapter 2), so yes, it is the most relevant path. I could go through other parts of the game, in particular Act 1, and find more text to back up my views, but I doubt it would make any difference to you. Like I said, we appear to have a fundamental disagreement. I did at least try to support my claim, but alas, I didn't know there was a guide for which lines of text count and which ones don't. With that being the case I guess I would indeed have to re-play the whole game with the "Meta" in mind to properly understand any of it.

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Wed Jul 24, 2019 10:08 pm
by ProfAllister
Okay, got around to reading this, and where to begin?

Actually, that's kind of easy. Fancopter, I'd recommend you disengage for a moment. Give yourself some time to either a) digest the feedback or 2) write future chapters. As it is, it's begging to look like the bits of Mendacium that made it notorious (besides the story itself).

I'm inclined to back up the others in that these first few chapters kind of go from point A to point C, when point B is a pretty vital leg of the trip. Also, it would have been helpful to establish it as some flavor of post-Kenji in Chapter 1. In short, there is very little time spent on Rika getting her hooks into Hisao before he's completely trapped in her web. I believe I've mentioned before that you have a tendency to rush into the sex, especially when Hisao is involved. I'll grant that men can be dumb when it comes to sex, but I find it pretty offensive when the lead in to a sex scene is something like:
(Girl MC's never met): Let's have sex.
(MC): I can't. I'm married.
(Girl): But you don't understand! I have breasts!
(MC): Well, in that case, let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
(I'm looking at you, The Firm)
In short, I think it's not too much to ask that male characters be designed by someone with a greater grasp of reality than Irisu Makina.

In short, Hisao's ties to Rika are unearned. Not that they can't get to the position they're in; just that you skipped all the interesting steps to get him there.

That being said, once we grant that they're at point C, you do a phenomenal job of illustrating a toxic, abusive relationship. Chapter 2 does a brilliant job of putting Hisao in a position where he challenges Rika, and Rika breaks him. From there on out, everything flows in a logical manner, as Hisao plays the role of the victim of an abusive relationship. And you do a decent job of depicting that Rika herself, while unmistakably the abuser, is also a victim herself. My concern, however, relates to where you plan on taking the fic. IT would be a shame to just wallow in the depths of some of the worst parts of human nature, but it's also quite a corner you've painted yourself in to - escaping an abusive relationship is far harder than getting into one. I wish you luck in your attempts to wrap this story up - you're going to need it.

And, as everyone seems to have agreed, Hisao picks up on uncharacteristic language way too quickly.

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Wed Jul 24, 2019 11:31 pm
by Hanako Fancopter
Nooooo don't compare my fic to Mendacium LOL

But yeah what you are saying is something I agreed with in Oddball's comments, that the story does not start off properly and does not effectively create its premise. Hisao does not create any good memories with Rika to justify why he would put up with her when she's being a bitch. In hindsight I should have re-worked that first chapter instead of copy pasting something which was originally just a writing exercise and not really planned to be this longer story. I'm not sure that I'll bother to go back and do so now, but I agree that could I do things over, that is a major thing I would change.

As for more chapters, I've had the next two written for a while. Sort of just waiting until I feel like putting a bow on it.

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Thu Jul 25, 2019 2:52 am
by brythain
Hanako Fancopter wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 11:31 pm
Sort of just waiting until I feel like putting a bow on it.
Hanako Fancopter—His Last Bow. :D

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Thu Jul 25, 2019 12:27 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Oddball told me not to view Hisao as an audience stand-in and that it was disrespectful to the character to do so, which I thought was actually a pretty fair point. Now you're telling me that his thoughts don't count as actual characterizations of him because they are "Meta" communications meant only for the player. Which one is it? Is he a distinct character, or is he just an audience surrogate like I initially said?
Hisao is a distinct character. Who appears in a medium called "visual novel". Visual Novels have certain characteristics like often they have choice points, and if they do there are often good and bad endings. Sometimes the authors do put in little clues for the readers to hint at what kind of ending you're heading towards.
In my opinion this one is a bit over the top - as are several scenes involving Keji - which might have something to do with the author responsible for him... Again, that's my opinion, not necessarily Oddball's and definitively not yours.
The point is simply that I see him as suffering significantly from those things around the time of Act 1. Since you're calling me out on this, I assume you disagree?
The point I am disagreeing on is that his depression and loneliness are serious enough that he would enter an abusive relationship with the first girl he meets without a second thought. Maybe it could have worked out if there had been sufficient setup, but we've been over this before.
This story is explicitly based off of Hisao surviving the Kenji route (which to be fair, you wouldn't know if you didn't read past chapter 2), so yes, it is the most relevant path.
It's not really hard to guess even from the first two chapters. Still there are elements of Hisao's characterization that are consistent across all paths - like the aforementioned tendency to think things through rationally - that you ignore because of one scene where he doesn't. And then you declare that scene to be the most relevant to justify your characterization...

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Thu Jul 25, 2019 7:50 pm
by Hanako Fancopter
Hisao is a distinct character. Who appears in a medium called "visual novel". Visual Novels have certain characteristics like often they have choice points, and if they do there are often good and bad endings. Sometimes the authors do put in little clues for the readers to hint at what kind of ending you're heading towards.
Well, if his behavior can magically not count as his own for the sake of the direction that the plot must go in, then I don't see why that doesn't apply to my story. I can insert a little choice somewhere in Chapter 1 that boils down to "Go out with Rika" or "Get the hell out of here," and in fact considered doing so at one point. Then nothing Hisao does after that actually counts as his behavior, according to this logic, since it's all just me showing the reader what is supposed to happen with that choice.

Of course, that line of thinking boils down to "well he has to act stupid for the sake of the plot," which anyone would recognize as a poor excuse for inconsistency in one's writing. Yet all of a sudden you seem to prefer this viewpoint over the better explanation of "he's not randomly acting out of character for the sake of 'Meta,' rather he actually is depressed, lonely, and capable of making bad decisions as a result of that." It's not like the devs had to have Hisao do something that, according to you, is wildly out of character in order to tell the player they've received a bad ending; they could've written a "no gf and hisao dies lel" ending in an infinite number of different ways. Your viewpoint implies that they wrote it this way basically just for the lulz.
The point I am disagreeing on is that his depression and loneliness are serious enough that he would enter an abusive relationship with the first girl he meets without a second thought.
Yeah, that second part is a given. This began with you contradicting my characterization of Hisao as "dysfunctional and deeply depressed" during the Kenji ending. It seems that now we've circled back to you actually agreeing that he is lonely and depressed at that time after all, as I originally said, so that's good to have settled.
And then you declare that scene to be the most relevant to justify your characterization...
You complained that I picked only one scene, and then I pointed out that it's also the most relevant scene specifically in response to that complaint. Yet you're still implying that it's somehow wrong to consider the path which the story is directly branching off of to be the most relevant one. Also, not that it will make any difference to you, but since you're still saying "only one scene":

--Every instance of sexual misbehavior I pointed out earlier also qualifies as Hisao acting stupid. That's at least five scenes, and major ones, not minor irrelevant incidents.
--Hisao's severe reluctance to reveal his condition is driven by his emotional state, his desire to deny its existence to himself. The fear that someone might judge him over it is irrational at a school for the disabled where nearly everyone wears their condition on their sleeve.
--Spending time with Rin enough for her to have a route at all is irrational. They have nothing in common, so much so that Hisao can't even bring himself to stay in the art club that he joined only for her sake, she's impossible to communicate with in a healthy fashion, and their "relationship" isolates him and causes him no shortage of grief, only managing to become something positive at the very end on 1 of 3 possible endings.
--Speaking of bad endings, all of them also involve Hisao being dumb and screwing himself over in some fashion. But surely they don't count since the player had to make a choice in order to get there--Hisao's continuous pestering of Hanako even after she's told him multiple times to leave her alone doesn't actually paint him as selfish and insensitive, it's just a "Meta scene."
--Getting onto Emi's route requires Hisao to push himself into a heart flutter during one of his first times down at the track. He definitely thought that one through.
--Enter Stage Left:

"NARRATOR: "Learn about where you're going? I guess I didn't bother to do that, or just didn't care enough to do so. I didn't look forward to this, even if I committed myself to go along with it half-assedly, but anyway. I don't say anything, and Misha signs something that ends in a shrug. What was that? It seems like it was about me. I feel like slumping over in my seat. Both of them are smiling, but that shrug hit me unexpectedly deeply." "

Very rational. Definitely not insecure or mopey.

I could probably play back through the game and make a huge list of quotes, but it's not worth the effort for something that will be handwaved or ignored anyways. I will say that you've actually managed to convince me into believing the opposite of what you're claiming--thinking about this has only made me more sure that his judgment is easily clouded by his emotions. I think your claim that he's consistently "rational" is just an empty assertion that you've made for the sake of convenience.

Needless to say, I think you're speaking in bad faith, and I don't want to clutter the thread any further with pointless arguing--so I'll not be responding to any more of your posts.

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Fri Jul 26, 2019 9:31 am
by Mirage_GSM
Then nothing Hisao does after that actually counts as his behavior, according to this logic,
No, it doesn't but since you seem to be either unable or unwilling to understand the point I was trying to make I see no reason to continue this discussion.
You asked for feedback, but if you're not willing to accept it afterwards I have better uses for my time than to continue to give it.

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:36 pm
by Hanako Fancopter
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 9:31 am
Then nothing Hisao does after that actually counts as his behavior, according to this logic,
No, it doesn't but since you seem to be either unable or unwilling to understand the point I was trying to make I see no reason to continue this discussion.
You asked for feedback, but if you're not willing to accept it afterwards I have better uses for my time than to continue to give it.
You didn't give feedback, you posted "it's terrible so I stopped reading" followed by "oh yeah i like everything that guy said" after another poster came in and actually did provide substantive feedback (despite later going on to claim that you don't share Oddball's opinions after all when it became expedient to do so). Your only "feedback" has been to stubbornly contradict whatever I say to justify anything I did. You don't seem interested in engaging with the content or providing suggestions.

Secondly, I'm not obligated to accept "feedback" that I find to be poorly motivated, in the same way that you aren't obligated to enjoy my writing.

And lastly, no, I did not ask for feedback. I appreciate it if it's genuine, but in your case I knew what it would be before I even wrote the story (I was surprised that you actually tried to read it, although you did still stop at the second chapter).

Anyways... here are the final chapters!


Chapter 9

I wake up in a familiar position: Curled up around a naked girl, trying to extract warmth from her on account of her hogging the sheets.

“Mmm…” I murmur sleepily, feeling around for the edges of the little cocoon she’s made. Rika is always so greedy in bed, I think. In more ways than one. There it is… I slip my hands inside and wrap them around her waist.

“C’mon, share the sheets…” I implore, working my hands up to her chest. Something’s… not right…

I squeeze one of the breasts I’ve found, simultaneously reveling in its size and wondering at how Rika gained five cups sizes overnight. The girl next to me lets out a laugh. Not Rika’s brief bark, but loud and long. Not Rika at all!

“Having fun, loverboy?” Miki says, flipping over to face me and throwing the covers over both of us, plunging us suddenly into darkness.

“Ackk!!” I protest as she grabs my face and smushes it into her chest. It feels amazing, but I also can’t breathe. Kind of annoying, that. After yanking feebly on her shoulders a few times she finally lets me come up for air. We both pop our heads out from the sheets to face each other, one pillow for me and one for her. As I remember the events of last night I raise my hands up off her skin, hovering them awkwardly around her body.

“Pffttt. What, can’t touch me now?” Miki teases me.

She has a point. What the hell am I doing right now? I need to figure that out. I’m not gonna screw this up again… or at least, I’m gonna try to screw it up less badly.

“Okay. What are we?” I ask Miki.

“Umm… a couple of hungover horndogs?” she offers.

“Well yeah, but I mean, like… are we an item?”

She narrows her eyes.

“What’s an ‘item?’” she asks.

“I don’t know, you know, uhh! A couple!”

“Oh yeah, nope. No way no how. No c-word, no d-word, no r-word!” she says. “Big Sexy is only about the f-word. Maybe with a ‘w’ and a ‘b’ tacked on, for you. That thing you did with your fingers…”

She suddenly grabs one of my hands and presses it to her lips, suckling on my index and middle finger while closing her eyes for a moment and groaning at the memory.

“Fucking magic,” she purrs.

“Well, I’ve had practice,” I say. Shit, I said that out loud, didn’t I?

Clearly,” Miki agrees. “You didn’t end being much of a newbie after all.”

Alright, I can’t get distracted here. Unlike Rika, she’s not trying to use her body to throw me off, but it’s so inescapably there that it’s still a serious threat.

“Right, so what were all those… letters you just said? The p-word and the b-word and all that?” I ask.

“Oh, that? Yeah, that’s the Big Sexy policy.”

I cringe, this time wincing visibly at that god damned nickname. Miki touches my face in concern.

“Hey, you good? Something with uhh, your heart? Do I need to get the Nurse?” she asks worriedly. “I know I really put you through your paces, but it seemed fine…”

“No, no no no! No Nurse!” I protest. “Yeah, it was just, umm. A little flutter! But I’m fine, I swear! Shit, what would he think if he found us like this?”

Miki gives me a knowing grin.

“You’d be surprised with that guy. I mean, where do you think I got the condoms?”

Oh yeah. I remember what she said when she pulled those out. Alright, slap that on, I know where little Hisao’s been! Definitely my least favorite moment of the encounter… I guess we’ll find out whether the rest of it was worth it or not.

“Well, apparently you have no trouble getting booze,” I point out. “I’m pretty sure you could buy condoms, too.”

“Nah, no need. Guy hands ‘em out like candy. He knows what goes on around here.”

Jeez. He keeps teasing me and Rika when we come in together… this casts his little quips in a whole new light. It occurs to me that he never offered us any condoms, but… he’d know that Rika is sterile, wouldn’t he? If anything good comes out of this debacle, it’ll be that I don’t have to go in there alongside Rika again and see that shit-eating grin of his knowing what Miki’s just told me.

“Right, so yeah. ‘Couple,’ ‘dating,’ ‘relationship,’” Miki explains, picking up where she left off. “I don’t do that shit. This is just blowing off steam, nothing more. Hope you’re okay with that.”

I let out a sigh of relief. It would make things that much more complicated if it were anything else.

“Okay, good, I was kind of thinking the same thing,” I say. “I mean, not that it wasn’t fun and all, but…”

“Buuut you’re still hoping you have a shot with Rika?” Miki prompts.

I wince again. This time she doesn’t need to ask why.

“…I want to at least, I don’t know. Talk to her,” I say. “Ermm. Any chance you could… not tell her about this?”

“Sure thing,” Miki says. “My lips are sealed. But you should probably let her know you took a ride on this train.”

“I don’t think that’s a great idea,” I say.

“Probably won’t be fun,” Miki agrees. “But everyone and their mom knows you’re in here right now. She might as well hear it from you.”

“…Fuck. You’re right. God, I really screwed up…” I say, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

“Hmm,” Miki says, making the sound of a little verbal shrug. “I mean, I was serious when I said come get your rebound. Didn’t figure you’d even try with her again. I wouldn’t. You’ve got balls, man. Wear a cup. She might try to rip ‘em off.”

Rika really does have a reputation, doesn’t she? I laugh at Miki’s comments, appreciating her casual approach to my situation. I don’t think I could take it right now if she tried to give me some kind of lecture about how dumb I am. But the type of person to do that probably wouldn’t be naked in my arms right now, either. Somehow I seem to have a knack for attracting these type of girls. I briefly consider that, had things gone differently, maybe I could’ve gotten with Miki instead of Rika… all the upsides, none of the downsides, and two really big bonuses on top… but nah. Miki explained it’s not like that with her anyways, and besides, I shouldn’t think about these girls that way. They’re people, not sex dolls to be compared and measured.

Although I can’t help but consider how Miki’s muscular thighs felt when they clenched up around me, compared to Rika’s… no! Damn it, no, no, no!

“Dreamin’ about me again?” Miki says, snapping me out of these evil thoughts.

“…Yeah,” I admit.

“No need to fantasize, Hisao. I’m right here,” Miki says, planting a kiss on me. “You know, if you don’t feel up to seeing Rika today… we can go another round or four…” she whispers, keeping her face brushed up against mine while wrapping those maddeningly thick thighs back around my naked torso.

God do I want that.

“No, sorry, but I really shouldn’t,” I say, mustering up all of my willpower.

“Little Hisao really thinks you should,” Miki says, brushing her stump against my rock-hard erection.

“Yeah, he was in the driver’s seat last night. Not today,” I say, shrinking back away from her touch before “Little Hisao” can manage some backseat driving. I roll out of the cover and off of the bed, searching out my clothes and beginning to pull them back on.

“Err, sorry about, you know. That,” I say, noticing the dark stain where Rika spilled my drink all over Miki’s floor last night.

“Ehh. I’d say you made it up to me. Several times over, even. For a guy with a bad heart, you’ve got some serious stamina!”

“Ah, ahaha, yeah, all those runs with Emi really paid off I guess…”

“No kidding. You better keep at that. Big Sexy’s orders!”

“Uhh. Can you not say that?’ I ask. “It’s kind of off-putting.”

“Not say what?” she asks innocently.

“You know what. I’m not… I can’t even say it out loud, but. That fucking nickname. It’s really lame,” I tell her.

“Lame?” Miki asks, her trademark confidence faltering.

I look over at her and feel a bit guilty. She looks like a slapped puppy.

“Big Sexy doesn’t do lame,” she says, a confident grin re-asserting itself on her face.

And there goes all of my sympathy.

“Seriously. You really should cut it out,” I repeat.

She blushes furiously and withers back as if punched in the gut, apparently shocked that her attempt to win me over failed. “…Really?” she asks timidly.

“Yeah. People are letting you get away with it because you’re hot and you can get alcohol. But trust me, it’s not cool. It’s weird. You’ll thank me one day,” I say.

I leave before my guilt can get the better of me. I know I’m right but she just looked so damn devastated. Did her self-image really rest so much on that stupid little title? Damn it… I don’t get very far out the door before stopping and turning around. I can’t let my last image of her be that of a woman so absolutely crushed. I push Miki’s door back open and stick my head inside.

“Look Miki, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be harsh, it’s just—”

I cut myself off and gulp. She’s splayed on the bed with her legs pulled apart and her one hand buried deep in between them. Miki opens one eye and sits up just enough to look at me, not taking her hand out of herself.

“Just couldn’t stay away from Big Sexy, could you?” she asks with a grin.

God fucking damn it.

“Now shoo, I’m trying to figure out that finger thing you did, if you ain’t gonna help then skedaddle,” she says.

I scowl at her and duck back out, making my way down the hall again without turning around this time. I make sure not to close the door behind me; it’s the least I can do to inconvenience her.

“Seriously newbie, good luck!” Miki calls after me.

I stop and look back, seeing her head sticking out of the doorframe and into the hallway.

“By the way, if it goes tits up? And she doesn’t murder you?” she adds, making the shape of a phone with her hand next to her head.

I nod and smile.

“You got it… B-Big… Sexy,” I force myself to say, already feeling my cheeks flush at hearing it in my own voice. It really is lame, I hope she figures out that I was right about that. She laughs before disappearing back into her room, the door slamming shut behind her. I turn back towards the end of the hall and take a deep breath, trying to brace myself for what’s to come. How did it come to this, where wrangling a big-busted party girl with an ego to match was the easiest thing I’ll do today?

It really is tempting to just go back in there. I could do it. Maybe I can’t have a relationship with Miki, but I can have some fun, and I’ll be relatively stress-free. It would be so much easier. I could just turn my back on Rika and live my life as I want to live it, making no apologies to her. That sure seems to be how she does things. I look back down the hall, at the doorway leading out into the lobby. I could just go that way instead of this one.

Then I turn back towards the end of the hall and march myself down to Rika’s door. Worst comes to worst… Miki did still put herself on offer…

I notice an odd sound as I raise my hand to knock. It’s a soft, low vocalization. Is Rika… crying? Equally concerned and curious, I knock immediately. No response. The soft sounds don’t stop either. I knock again. Is she ignoring me? Like hell I’m gonna let her do that, crying or not. She better not make me pound on this door… I turn the knob… unlocked. Whew. Rika’s laying in bed, her bare shoulders suggesting that she really does like to lounge around naked… her eyes are closed and she’s definitely feeling something, but…

Then I notice the person-shaped bulge in the sheets, the head-sized bump at its top moving steadily about halfway down Rika’s body. Right where her waist would be. I consider just turning around and walking back out. Then I remember that I actually said no to having another tumble with Miki this morning. It’s incredible that I’m the one with more self-control in this situation but that seems to be the case.

“Ahem,” I say, clearing my throat.

Rika opens her eyes and scowls at me.

“Seriously, Hisao? Ughh. Can’t you just fuck off for a while?”

I match her scowl, cross my arms, and plant myself in the doorway. Whoever’s under the sheets has stopped moving.

No,” I say firmly.

Rika huffs and reaches around under the covers, extricating herself from her partner. After a bit of fiddling the person suddenly throws the blankets back against the wall. I’m left looking at a fully nude Saki, laying on her stomach with her head still resting on Rika’s thigh.

“Hello Hisao,” she says pleasantly, as if we’re just passing each other in the hall.

“Umm. Hello Saki,” I answer, awkwardly averting my gaze as she rolls off the mattress and crawls around, collecting her clothing.

Help her, you dipshit,” Rika says.

“I didn’t think—I’m trying not to look at—” I protest.

“I would appreciate the assistance,” Saki says.

“At least close the damn door!” Rika adds.

Of course, Rika herself is making no moves to do anything. That’s definitely on purpose. I continue to scowl at her as I do as she says, closing the door before circling around behind Saki and placing my hands under her armpits.

“I’m going to pull you up. Ready?” I ask her.

“Yes, quite—oooh!!” Saki exclaims. “You’re much stronger than Rika!” she says, sounding a bit giddy, as if she’s just taken a rollercoaster ride. Maybe the sex with Rika is still fresh in her system? I feel like I should be uncomfortable right now, pulling the panties back onto Rika’s only apparent friend, but I guess I’m just too frazzled to care at this point. I’m not even upset that Rika was sleeping with Saki, I realize. In hindsight it seems kind of obvious that it was happening.

Who knew that learning how to clasp a bra would come in handy this soon? At least Rika was right about teaching me that, if nothing else. Once Saki’s finally clothed I hand her the cane from where it’s resting against the bed. She just stands there looking up at me with that little smile of hers, like I’m still supposed to do something.

“Err,” I say awkwardly.

“Saki. You might not want to be in here right now. Me and Hisao are going to… talk,” Rika says.

“Oh. Talk. Yes, yes. I see,” Saki says, comprehension dawning on her.

“Sorry he so rudely interrupted. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Of course. I’ll be waiting. Please don’t harm him!” Saki says, making her way out the door. “Even if he angered you. He’s quite handsome! And very strong!”

“Saki, I’m right here,” I say.

She doesn’t seem to hear that, giving Rika a little wave before closing the door. As soon as we’re left alone Rika hops out of bed and gathers up her own clothes, getting dressed in a bit of a hurry. I wonder if she’s doing that to distract herself or to make it clear that we won’t be engaging in the activities that she and Saki just were. Probably both. I sit down on the bed and once again politely avert my gaze, even though I already saw everything.

Once she’s stopped moving I look back. She’s standing over me with her hands on her hips and a suspicious look on her face, like she’s trying to figure out just what I’m plotting, coming in here and getting all up in her business. It still just amazes me, how she can continue to have such an accusatory attitude after everything that’s happened.

“You know. Originally I was gonna come in here to apologize,” I say.

“You don’t owe me any apologies, Hisao,” Rika says. “Now if that’s all—”

I hold up a hand to stop her from telling me to get out.

“I’m not going anywhere. Not until we talk about this,” I say firmly.

“About what?”

“About—whatever was up with you last night.”

“Oh yeah, last night. Have fun with the one-handed freak?”

“Fucking hell, Rika. Yes, I may have made a mistake, but that’s no reason to call her a freak!”

“I meant in bed. She sounded like she was really having a good ol’ time. The bitch should thank me for that.”

“…You could hear her? All the way down here?” I ask incredulously.

“Uhh, yeah. Whole damn hall heard her. She’s not exactly known for her subtlety.”

That much is true, but still. I narrow my eyes at Rika. Now I’m the one who’s suspicious. I think she’s lying about this just to rile me up. Saki probably told her I stayed over with Miki. Can’t let her distract me.

“Point is, yeah, I was drunk and horny and stupid and she threw herself on me. And I fucked her. I was actually feeling kind of shitty about it too, but I guess…”

I shrug.

“…what’s the saying? All’s fair in love and war?”

I’m kind of proud of myself for that one. It seems to crop up in every single book I’ve read, at some point or another.

“Like I said, Hisao. You don’t owe me any apologies. Seriously. You do what makes you happy, or I guess who makes you happy. I’ve gotta do the same. Coulda picked a better lay, but at least it wasn’t no-legs,” Rika says.

“…You’d prefer Miki to Emi?”

“Yeah. At least the big one’s straight up with you. Wonder girl’s a passive aggressive little shit, all fake smiles and the like.”

I consider that for a moment before nodding in agreement. Actually kind of true. Though Rika’s being overly cynical as always, I can’t deny that Emi has that streak in her.

“So, what then? This is us now? Two assholes staring at each other, like you always complained about?” I say.

“There is no ‘us,’ Hisao. Don’t be fucking dense.”

“You dumped me over a couple beers?”

“Oh come on, you had more than a couple.”

“That’s not the god damn point, Rika!”

I jump to my feet, suddenly angry with her antics.

“If you don’t want me to drink, why can’t you just, I don’t know? Try to talk to me about it first?”

“Talking fucking sucks. And it doesn’t work,” Rika asserts, turning away from me.

We’re standing close, so close that our faces would nearly be touching, if Rika were facing me. I won’t back off but I won’t force her to look at me either.

“How about just asking me not to drink? Did you ever think to try that?”

She gives me a sideways look, eyes narrowed in contempt.

“And that would’ve gotten through your thick skull? Just asking? When you were in there all liquored up and living large last night?”

“…Fuck, maybe not, but couldn’t you at least give it a shot? It just seems like such a dumb thing to throw us away over.”

“You want to know what’s dumb, Hisao? Having thirty years to live and killing yourself even faster!” Rika yells, the anger in the room shifting abruptly into her.

“Hey, I’ve got more than thirty years!” I shoot back. “I could live a normal lifespan, if I’m careful.”

“That’s exactly it, Hisao. You’re going to risk just throwing that away? So you can get drunk and fuck a bimbo with big tits? God, you’re such a fucking idiot!” Rika shouts, smacking my side for emphasis. “You had a heart attack, Hisao! At eighteen. Years. Old!” she goes on, hitting me again to punctuate every word. “I’m the one that has to die early! It’s not supposed to be you!” she finishes, drawing her hand back for another strike.

The slap she puts across my face sits me right down on the bed. None of her physical blows really hurt. It’s her words that put me back on my ass.

“This is why we can’t be together, Hisao. I won’t just hang around waiting for you to drop dead,” Rika says.

Now I’m the one who can’t look at her. Even though I’m fixated on the floor, I can feel those red eyes boring holes into the top of my skull.

“You’re right,” I mutter with a sigh.

“Oh? What was that?”

“You’re right,” I repeat, louder. “It was stupid as hell. Drinking, with my condition. I won’t do it again,” I say, looking up into her eyes. Their glare is so intense that it almost hurts, but I force myself to hold my own gaze with hers, daring her to come at me again.

“Well thank god I finally talked some sense into you,” Rika says. “Do you think I’m gonna just take you back now? Just ‘cause you said you’re sorry, we’re going to be fucking again?”

I give her a weak smile.

“No. I don’t expect anything from you. But hey? Rika?”

“What, Romeo?”

“Thanks for caring.”

“Caring about what?”

“Caring about me.”

Rika’s face twitches. Her mouth opens to say something, then closes, then opens again. I can’t help but smile just a little wider; for once she’s the one at a loss for words.

“Just because I don’t want you to fucking die, it doesn’t mean—I never said I didn’t care about you,” Rika finally says, her gaze now turning back away from mine.

I stay where I am, seated on the bed, looking up at her expectantly. Waiting for her to go on. Not giving her any snarky little comment she can latch onto and fire back at. She glances aside at me, then looks away again, crossing her arms and fidgeting. I notice that she’s blinking rapidly… trying to force back tears. Despite her best efforts, one squeezes its way out and rolls down her cheek. She rushes across the room to its window and stands there with her back to me, trying to hide her face.

“Just… get out…” she mumbles, unable to raise her voice for fear of it breaking.

I don’t say anything back to that. I just get up and follow her to where she stands. Slowly, carefully, I wrap my arms around her waist from behind. She jerks away at my touch, as if I’ve prodded her with a hot iron.

“Don’t—fucking touch me!” Rika barks.

But she still can’t look at me. I hesitate for a moment before coming in again. If I don’t do this now, I might never get another chance. This time she doesn’t try to get away, letting me hug her firmly. I rest my head on her shoulder, still not saying anything, just letting our bodies press together like this.

“God damn you…” Rika whispers, lowering her voice even further in a desperate attempt to keep it steady.

I can feel her shaking in my grasp.

“God damn me for what?” I whisper back.

“For doing… doing this to me…” she replies.

Then she can’t stop herself anymore. A single sob racks her body, loud and sudden. That’s all—just one, then she stifles it. I’m not going to press her while she’s like this. I turn her gently in my arms, aiming us towards the bed, and lead her there with my arms still around her. Rika’s shivering form halfway falls down onto it, guided by my arms as I take hold of her weight. I sit down next to her and she leans immediately into me, wrapping her own arms around me while burying her face in my shoulder.

She’s still not full-on crying, just breathing in slow, ragged gasps. I can tell she’s fighting it with all she’s got. That’s how she is, I think—even now she’s still stubborn as all hell. That’s okay. I’ll sit here with her, as long as it takes, while she lets it out.

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:43 pm
by Hanako Fancopter
Chapter 10

Eventually Rika’s breathing slows back to normal and the tears on my shoulder start to dry. I know she’s finished when she gives me another ineffectual whack to my side. I squeeze her in response, keeping her wrapped snugly in my arms.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this…” Rika mutters into my shoulder.

“Like what?” I ask.

She sniffles and looks up at me, still blinking rapidly to clear the last of the tears from her eyes.

“You remember that first date we had? What I told you when the movie was over?”

“’I don’t want any of that shit, okay? You just keep me happy, and I’ll keep you happy, yeah? You can work with that?’” I intone, able to repeat her words without pause.

“So you remember. Good. You’re breaking that deal, Hisao.”

“How am I breaking it? By hugging you? Don’t worry, I’m not about to go out and buy you flowers now that you’ve cried on my shoulder.”

“I never wanted to cry on your fucking shoulder!”

She tries to pull away… but not very hard.

“God fucking damn it…” Rika says, leaning back into me with a sigh of resignation. “And you were doing so, so good for like two days there…”

“You keep talking like this is all something I’m doing on purpose. I never wanted to upset you, Rika.”

“Yeah, but you sure as fuck got me there anyways, didn’t you?”

“…I have always been good at getting you there,” I say, trying to lighten the mood.

She affords me a bitter chuckle.

“Hisao, I told you how I can’t drink, right? What do you think I did when the doctor told me that?”

“Uhh… you got drunk?”

“That’s damn right I did. And it just about killed me. I was in the hospital for a week, going in and out, barely awake. Drove my mom halfway insane. All because I didn’t want to be told what to do.”

“Damn, I’m sor—I mean. That’s pretty shitty, yeah. But you don’t have to worry about that with me. I’m fine, it’s not gonna happen again, okay?”

“I just—I just couldn’t see you doing the same thing. Even if it won’t kill you as fast as it nearly did me. Alright?”

It finally occurs to me what Rika’s trying to tell me. She’s not trying to convince me that drinking is dangerous anymore—she already did that. She’s trying to convince herself that it was okay to get this upset about it. And she needs me to tell her that it was. That she isn’t weak because of it, or something like that.

“Alright, Rika,” I say calmly.

“Thanks, Hisao.”

“…So now what? Do we go back to being a couple of horny assholes?”

Rika sighs in exasperation.

“No. I mean, yes. But no. That’s not… we can’t just… go back,” she says.

“Why not?” I ask.

“Because, Hisao. Because that’s not how it works!”

“Well, how the fuck does it work? I’m going to be honest, Rika, I have no idea how anything is supposed to work with you.”

“I tried to make it simple, I tried to keep it simple, but you just… you couldn’t fucking leave it alone. And now we’re here, stuck on each other and miserable.”

“So if I had left just now, that would have been better? Let you stew in here alone when you’re hurting?”

“Maybe! I don’t know, Hisao! I don’t know why we can’t just fuck and mind our own business!”

“Do you hear yourself? Rika, if you sleep with someone multiple times a day, maybe you’re just going to end up feeling something for them. Maybe that’s how it works. Whether we like it or not.”

“…Yeah, well, that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it…”

I turn and plant an affectionate kiss on the top of her head.

“I hate you, Hisao…” she grumbles.

“Love you too,” I shoot back.

She leans away from me, her mouth hanging open in apparent shock.

“What did you just say?!” she asks.

The fake outrage doesn’t last more than a couple seconds before we start laughing at the same time. It’s a relief for both of us, the heaviness in the air lifting as we carry on with it. I can finally feel her relax in my grip, as opposed to clinging on tight or trying to pull away.

“You know, that’s the first time I’ve heard you laugh, I think,” I say. “Or at least the first time you sounded like you really meant it.”

“Yeah? What about the shower? With your friend Kenji?”

“…Oh shit. Okay, second time. And Kenji’s not my friend!”

“Suuure. Just like me and Saki aren’t strictly ‘friends.’”

“Alright, Kenji is definitely not that kind of friend!” I continue protesting.

“Mmhmm. You spent the festival up on the roof with him, right? Drinking whiskey? And we just saw last night how horny you are when you’re drunk…”

“Look, that was just a one-time thing! She was just—you were really mad, and I wasn’t thinking straight, and she had really big—”

“Ut tut tut! Don’t need to hear about the knockers, thank you very much!” Rika cuts me off. “But really. Don’t sweat it. I mean, technically we were broken up. So it doesn’t even count as cheating.”

“Doesn’t even? That makes it sound like you’d be cool with it even if it were.”

“No, that’s not what I said, I just mean… you know, like…”


“…like… people have these needs, you know, obviously… and sometimes, just one person…”

“Aww. You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed,” I tease, pinching Rika’s cheek.

“Ughh! Shut up!” she snaps.

I laugh, her response confirming my accusation.

“I think what you’re saying is that maybe I didn’t technically cheat on you with Miki, but you and Saki… that was going on even while we were going on… right?” I prompt.

Rika’s pale face is unusually flushed as she looks up at me and nods.

“Hope that’s good with you,” she says, in a way that makes it clear that, despite her self-consciousness, she’s determined not to apologize for it.

“…Sure,” I agree. “Long as I get to spend Saturdays with Big Sexy.”

Rika’s voice catches in her throat as her face immediately screws up with indignation.

“That—you—alright, but—at least don’t say that fucking nickname! It’s bad enough hearing it from her!”

“Ahh, don’t worry, I’m kidding. Even if it would only be fair,” I say with a laugh.

“…Good! Jeez!”

Rika settles back down as she finally becomes convinced that I don’t care about her and Saki. And I really don’t. Something like that, I think part of me already knew on an intuitive level that it might be part of the package with Rika. It’s not like there was ever going to be any kind of conventional trajectory for our relationship. Two kids and a white picket fence aren’t exactly in our future.

I have no idea what’s in our future. All I can do is make the best of what I have now. I lay down on my back and Rika follows suit, curling herself around my torso and resting her head on my chest. I stroke her hair as she works a hand under my shirt and up to the scar splitting my sternum in two, tracing it with gentle curiosity. We’ve finally been reduced to just cuddling, clothes fully on, I think.

“So, as long as we’re checking things out with each other…” I say.

“Nuh uh. Don’t fuck this up,” Rika cuts in.

“No, no, seriously. It’s not… look. Last night the people in Miki’s room, they said… some stuff about you. Said you had a… reputation.”

“Here we fucking go.”

I can practically hear the eye roll in her voice.

“I just thought it’d only be fair if you knew what I’d heard. I don’t want to hear more about you from other people than I do from, y’know. You.”

Rika sighs, recognizing my point.

“…Alright. What did you hear?”

“Not… a lot. Just that you, err… may have had a few boyfriends… your first year here.”


“And that you sort of closed yourself off last semester.”

“…That’s it?”

“…Yep. That’s it.”

“Huh. Well yeah, that’s pretty much true.”

“Expecting it to be worse?”

“From no-legs? You bet your ass. Probably just too polite to say it around you.”

“I don’t know, Rika. I really don’t feel like Emi has it out for you or anything. Also, I was trying to sort of re-word it, they didn’t exactly say you ‘had a few boyfriends,’ it was more like…”

“It’s alright, Hisao. I’ll say it. Yeah, I fucked around a lot my first year. Not like it’s some big secret.”

“Right. I mean… that doesn’t really surprise me. I guess what I’m wondering is why’d you stop?”

“Do you really need to know? I haven’t asked for your life story, have I?”

“Alright, alright, alright,” I say defensively.

Things settle back into silence for a while, though I can feel Rika twitching and fidgeting in irritation. If there’s one advantage I have over her, it’s that I can tolerate just leaving things up in the air like this much better than she can. Sure enough, before long, she sighs and gives in.

“Look,” she starts. “I’ve always been… active, right? Sexually active. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about it either. No one’s judgment is gonna stop me. It was just… these guys… guys are just so fucking dumb,” she says, as if that’s supposed to explain everything perfectly.

“Dumb like… how? Dumb like me?” I prompt.

“Yes, but no. Hisao, I’m going to be blunt,” she says, as if it’s the first time she’s ever been forthcoming with me. “The great thing about you is, you’re eager to please. Right from that very first shitty movie we sat through. As soon as you got over yourself, you got good in bed, too. I really appreciate that.”

“Holy shit. Are you actually paying me a compliment? On my woman-pleasing abilities?” I ask incredulously.

“Don’t let it go to your head, Romeo. That’s the problem with guys. They work so hard to get you off the first time, then it’s all downhill from there. They get lazy, they finish fast, then they just want to dip out until they can jam it in you for another few seconds tomorrow. It’s fucking disgusting.”

“Fucking hell, Rika.”


“It’s just… I don’t know. That’s kind of harsh.”

“Well, it’s true. I’ve done a lot of guys, so trust me, I know. The fact that you’re the best one I’ve found should really tell you something.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“Come on, you have to know what I mean, though? Most guys, they just ended up treating me like, I don’t know… some kind of fuck toy to be fired up at their convenience. They knew they could come back to me anytime for more, because I always wanted more, I’d never say no to it, then they’d come in two seconds and make me finish myself off with their spunk still inside. That just gets old fast, being used like that.”

“Isn’t that… kind of hypocritical? I thought you basically wanted us to just be fuckbuddies.”

“Yeah, fuckbuddies who actually get each other off! Not just pump and dump! I never left you high and dry, Hisao! You think I enjoyed choking on you in that movie theater? I didn’t want to blue-ball you!”

“…Okay, that’s pretty fair. I actually never thought about that,” I admit.

All of this does shed some light on her behavior. I think back to that first time we had sex, that awful, stupid fucking mistake I made… she knew just how to goad me into that because it had already happened to her before. Multiple times, by the sound of it.

“What, did you seriously think girls like giving blowjobs?” Rika asks.

“I don’t know! You don’t seem like someone who’d force yourself to do something you don’t like!”

“Well yeah, that’s a fair point to you, but still. I didn’t want to just use you the way that I’ve been used, you know?”

“I do know. What I don’t get is, if this is such a hassle … couldn’t you just, y’know… get yourself off?”

“You think I don’t?”

“I don’t know, Rika! That’s why I’m talking about this stuff, I don’t know what you do at all!”

“Come on, I know you’re spanking it whenever you’re not with me.”

“Umm, no, actually. Actually not. I don’t know if I’ve jacked off once since I met you. You tend to leave me feeling pumped pretty dry, I’d have to say.”



“Shit, being a guy must suck, having to reload like that.”

I chuckle at that, at the sheer brazenness of her observations on this subject.

“Alright, so if you can do it yourself, what’s the issue?” I press.

“The issue is—it’s not the same, Hisao, it’s not like I can just finger myself and that’s good enough. I don’t know to explain it. It’s like the food pyramid thing. You have to have your big serving of bread, but then you have to have your servings of meat, and vegetables, and fruit, and all that junk too. And even some candy when you can get it. You have to have it all, you know? It’s kind of like that.”

“So you’re saying… you see sex… like food?”

“Yeah! That’s exactly it. I just get… hungry.”


“You kind of sound like you don’t.”

“I mean, I get horny. Pretty sure everyone does. But I definitely wouldn’t say it’s like food, like I get hungry if I go without it somehow.”

“Maybe that’s why you’re halfway decent with it. I don’t fucking know.”

“It sounds like you weren’t really getting to know all these guys you saw, Rika. You know, if you’re in a relationship where you actually care about the other person, then they’re going to be a lot more motivated to make you happy.”

“Oh believe me, the romantic types? They’re even worse. I’ve had sad sacks throwing themselves at me by the dozens. Every other guy has this obnoxious fucking savior complex, wanting to swoop in and comfort the poor broken little bird with an early expiration date. Guys that want me to sit through dinner with them, guys trying to buy me stuff I never asked for just cause I gave them a quickie, breaking down crying and shit when they can’t get it up… I’ve seen it all, Hisao.”

“Well fuck, when you put it that way, I guess it does sound like a pain in the ass.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of a girl problem. Guys can’t find a girl who wants them, girls have too many guys they don’t want coming at them. And with me it’s a lot worse because, you know. I have a reputation. So every Johnny come lately has to try his luck.”

“So this year you just gave up? Is that what happened?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Until you came along. Like I said, I thought you might be different… I guess you were. Just not the way I was expecting.”

“What were you expecting?”

“I don’t know? Someone like me, I guess. Someone with a… shorter perspective. But you’re not like that. Your heart doesn’t even sound like mine.”

Rika taps my chest for emphasis.

“It actually sounds pretty normal, there’s just that little offbeat note every now and then,” she says.

“Yeah, and yours is fucking scary. It sounds like a drumroll played on double speed.”

“Apparently that’s pretty much how it works, yes. It has to work twice as hard, so the muscle’s going to wear out in half the time.”

“Shit, Rika, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up—”

“Ah ah ah. I’ve got years left still, Hisao. No dragging them down with that mopey shit.”

“—right. Sorry—I mean, no, your heart sounds really cool, and I’m not sorry at all for pointing that out.”

“’Atta boy.”

I think I’ve just about got this picture put together. There’s still one piece missing, though.

“Alright, so you stopped dating, but if the analogy is that you get hungry… wouldn’t that be like starving yourself?”

“I stopped seeing guys for a while. I didn’t stop ‘dating.’”

This statement only confuses me for a couple seconds before I figure it out.

“Saki,” I say.

“Turns out other girls really know what a girl likes. Who would’ve thought?” Rika asks rhetorically.

“And Saki did say she met you the same way I did. Did you take her out to a crappy horror movie too?”

“Heh. Nah, she actually came up to me. I’d never been with another girl. She opened me up to that.”

“I guess with your ‘reputation,’ it was inevitable you’d get suitors of both sexes.”

“Can you believe Miki actually tried once?”


“Oh yeah. I might’ve let it happen too but she just wouldn’t stop with the damn nickname. I gave her too much grief over it and she got pissy.”

“Haha. I tried telling her it was lame… think it just went in one ear and right out the other.”

“Only thing bigger than her boobs is her head.”

“I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about the boobs.”

You’re not. I can.”

“Ah. Right. Should’ve remembered that’s how this works.”

“Now now. You can compliment my body all you want. If we’re going to be a big official couple, I’m pretty sure that’s part of the deal. I get to be jealous and possessive.”

“Do I get to be jealous and possessive if you start talking up Saki?”

Rika turns her head for a moment, as if seriously considering this question, then shrugs.

“If you want. I dunno, Saki’s like… she’s in her own place, if that makes any sense.”

“I know what you mean. She is definitely a bit… different,” I say.

“Nah, you can say it. She’s kinda touched in the head. In a good way, though. Mostly. I think.”

She did have a pretty easy time fitting into that little party, I think. Hell, she ended up being a lot more sociable than Rika.

“I guess she just goes through life on her own terms. That’s pretty admirable,” I observe.

“Damn right it is. Wish it was as easy as she makes it look…”

“Rika, you’re nothing if not someone going through life on her own terms.”

“I do try. Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“Take it however you want.”

She suddenly flips herself up on top of me, her lithe body laying flat against mine with her lips to my ear.

“Maybe I will…” she says suggestively.

I give a feigned sigh of exasperation.

“Already getting hungry again, huh?” I ask.

Rika pushes herself up enough to look me in the eyes, a devilish smirk on her face.

“…Aww, why can’t we just snuggle for a while?” she says, her eyes turning up in an imitation of Emi’s puppydog face.

We both burst out laughing as she rolls back off of me. Of course, as soon as our mirth fades, she’s coiled back around me, this time wrapping her legs around me and squirming around in familiar ways.

“Really though,” she says, beginning to kiss my neck.

“Fiiine. Let me take a shower first, I still feel pretty gross,” I say, pushing off the bed.

“Oh!! I’m coming!”

“Rika, this is the girls’ dorm, we can’t just flounce around naked again!”

“Says you!”

“Damn it, don’t open the door yet, I’m not—you are impossible, you know that?!”

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Updated 7-12-19)

Posted: Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:48 pm
by Hanako Fancopter
Chapter 11

I don’t know what gods or goddesses are watching over me but I’ll be sure to thank them tonight. Somehow, no one is in the hall to see me flee into the bathroom in my shirt and boxers, Rika having run in there with my pants held hostage. Then as soon as I get inside I realize why I had such “fortune.” My bad luck was simply waiting for me in here instead. Hanako is standing outside one of the stalls, dressed in only a towel, hugging herself and staring down at the floor.

Rika’s standing opposite her, my pants hung limply over her shoulder. Hanako’s shuddering, and it’s not from being cold, I think. Even with her towel to cover most of her torso, far more of her scars are visible than any time I’ve seen her previously. I step forward quickly, hoping to intervene before Rika says something that—

“Hey, uh. Sorry to startle you,” Rika says.

I stop just behind her. I see Rika’s head do a little nod as she looks Hanako up and down.

“You know, you’ve got a pretty nice figure,” Rika says.

Then she walks deliberately past Hanako, giving her a clear shot to the door, which she takes without hesitation. The purple-haired girl scurries right past me like I’m not even there. Apparently she only considered Rika to be a threat, not me. I’m not sure whether to feel good or bad about that. I follow after Rika, breathing a sigh of relief that we managed to avoid a scene.

Rika’s already gotten herself topless by the time I join her in a stall. She turns the shower on while pressing me against the wall and kissing me. This two-front offensive takes me off-guard, a fact which Rika uses to her advantage as she presses her tongue into my mouth, her hands already stroking at my boxers.

“Mmppff… at least let me… shirt…” I breathe, trying to undo the buttons. It’s not easy with a succubus attached to me.

“Just leave it on,” Rika whispers back. “C’mon, shirt sex. Try it once.”

“Shirt sex… I’m pretty sure that’s not, ahh… a thing…”

“Make it one for me!”

I chuckle, accepting my fate. As she pulls my boxers off I reach over to pull the shower curtain closed… only to find it missing. For whatever reason, this stall doesn’t have one. It’s completely open for all to see, should anyone walk past.

“…Oh come on,” I say. “We’re moving—aghh!!”

Rika cuts me off by squeezing on a very delicate part of me, a part of me which lies fully exposed now that she’s removed my underwear.

“Okay, okay okay! We’re not moving!” I correct myself.

“You’re damn right we’re not. You promised to feed me, remember?”

“I didn’t promise to do it with an audience!”

Rika gestures to the open area outside the stall, which is indeed, empty. For now.

“Guess you’d better get busy then, before one comes along.”

She hikes her skirt high up on her stomach, her panties having disappeared at some point during all of this. I wonder for a moment whether she was ever wearing any at all today. A moment ago I was worried I might have trouble rousing myself for yet another go-around after last night… whatever else Rika might be, she’s good at getting me back up. Still, I’m not sure about doing this without cover, we could just hop into any other stall, it’s not like…

…as I’m having those thoughts, Rika turns around and bends halfway over, pressing her chest against the shower wall while rubbing her pert little bottom against me. She smirks over her shoulder at me, knowing she’s won. I make it my goal to replace that smirk with a different expression as I take hold of her hips and match her anticipatory motions, teasing her with the promise of penetration yet refusing to deliver just yet.

Her smug expression slowly drops into one of frustration and annoyance as I continue to slip between her legs rather than into her. She tries to reach down and handle the situation herself but I smack her hand away with a tut-tut.

“Oh for God’s sake, quit—oohh!!”

Recognizing the opportunity to strike while her guard is down, I thrust in with full force, pushing the breath out of her mid-sentence. She tries to put her grin back on but I have the initiative now—I thrust into her again, refusing to let her recover, wrapping her long braid around one hand and hooking the other’s fingers through the waistband of her skirt as I fuck her hard and steady. I go at her just long enough for the rhythm to set in, then pull back out and stop, letting her stew in it.

After a couple seconds she looks back angrily at me—as soon as she does I slam into her, stealing the gasp from her throat by yanking her head back into a forceful kiss. I hold myself balls deep inside of her as I take the kiss deeper as well, feeling her ass squirm desperately against my thighs in search of stimulation. I refuse to give it on her terms, only offering Rika sporadic grinds and pushes. I use my holds on her body to keep her in place, denying any changes in position, controlling her movements gently but firmly.

This is really the first time we’ve had sex with me in control since… well, our first time. I’m not trying to hurt Rika this time, though, nor am I really seeking to please her. I’m playing with her.

I finally break off the kiss and let her up for air, keeping my face close to hers as she takes in heaving breaths. Her eyes grow wider as I start to move my hips again… then she bites her lip as I put my back into it. That spark of defiance in her face gives way to a silent pleading as I start to pound her properly, her slender body rocking in time to my efforts. Playtime’s over. I push her head up against the wall, wrapping my other arm around her waist to hold her up as her knees start to wobble.

“Ahh, nnghh… don’t fucking stop…” Rika murmurs.

I don’t plan on it. I want to make her scream. All I have to do now is keep it up. I’ve learned that it’s not actually a matter of raw speed and force, more about just finding the right spot and then going strong and steady. I can tell I’ve hit the right spot with Rika here; her eyes are halfway into the back of her head now.

“Mmmm… oh, fuck, yes… y-yes… ah… ahhh… H-Hisao! Agghhhh!!”

Rika’s hips jerk so hard that I have to clutch her waist tight to keep myself inside her. Still, I’m determined to do so, intent on reaping as much of this reward as I can. She slides part of the way down the wall as she continues to moan with each contraction, the shivers that started in her hips working their way down through her legs before starting again at the top. I release her head in favor of bringing both arms under her torso, using one to rub gently at her breasts as she rides her climax out.

When I feel its last wave finally wash away, I release her, letting her collapse onto the floor of the shower. I was so focused on Rika that I didn’t even really think about my own climax, though I was aware of it occurring. That’s fine. This was worth it. I lean down over the girl laying in a heap at my feet, her figure still twitching and heaving as the shower runs over her.

“Who lasted longer this time?” I ask, unable to keep myself from grinning.

Rika manages to give me a half-hearted scowl.

“Oh… fuck off…” she mutters. “Did you come?”

“I did, thank you very much. Kind of you to ask.”

“Good… I don’t know if I’d be up to finishing you right now…”

“I could have,” a third voice says from outside the stall.

I look up to see Saki sitting on the floor watching us, leaned up against the row of sinks. She’s still wet, looking like she crawled out of the shower herself not long ago, and she’s fully naked. Again. From the way she’s sitting, she wasn’t just a passive observer, either. Her cheeks are nearly as flushed as Rika’s and her hand is resting very conspicuously on her inner thigh. I just chuckle at our uninvited guest.

“How long have you been there?” I ask.

“Long enough,” she replies.

“Oh shit, someone got to enjoy the show after all,” Rika says, sitting up enough to face Saki. “Kinda disappointing it was just you, Saki. I was really hoping one-hand would walk in, to be honest…”

“I can go knock on Miki’s door and tell her I fucked you, if you want,” I offer.

“Nah, doesn’t really work if she doesn’t see it,” Rika says dismissively. “Were you really just lounging around in here?” she asks Saki, motioning for her to come over to us.

“I assumed one of you would need to take a shower at some point. When it turned out to be both of you, I did plan on only listening, but… you were making sounds, so many sounds… I… I had to see it,” Saki explains.

For the first time, I see a hint of bashfulness in her face, though only a hint. I give her a shrug.

“Hope I left you as happy as I did her,” I say, nudging Rika with my foot.

“God damn it, I give you one good fuck, and you’re never gonna let me live it down? Are you?” Rika says to me.

“Nope,” I reply with a grin.

In the meantime, Saki’s made her way over, using a halting crawl that hurts a bit to watch. She seriously looks like a baby that’s still figuring out how to move, doing that. Is her movement without her cane really that impaired?

“It’s dangerous to be on my feet around slippery surfaces, especially without my cane,” she explains. Whether she read the confusion on my face or just seized another chance to talk about her condition, is anyone’s guess.

“Heh. I bet I couldn’t do much better than that, if I tried to get up right now,” Rika. “My feet are still numb…”

“Need me to kiss ‘em and make them better?” I ask.

“You can kiss me and make me better,” Saki says.

I give her a wide-eyed gaze. Even for her, that seems a bit… forward. Normally I might dismiss that as a joke but we’re all naked in a confined space and we all just orgasmed together. I guess in this context it doesn’t seem that absurd a proposition after all. Rika just seems amused by it, if anything. And then it hits me. Bringing me in here to bang, having me hang out with Saki, those vague comments about how I’ll “come around on some things”… I give Rika a glare of suspicion.

“You planned this, didn’t you?” I say. It’s less a question and more an accusation.

Rika gives me a smile of false innocence.

“I mean, not that it would be exactly like this, buuut… I did promise Saki we would experiment together, and now that we’re all here…”

Saki’s already crawling up beside Rika, taking hold of one of my legs.

“Really though? Now? I mean, I might need a few minutes… Saki, are you sure you’re—”


Someone just slammed the bathroom door open. Thank god they did, announcing their presence so loudly, otherwise we might’ve been caught off guard. The bang is immediately followed by a sound that fills me with dread and apprehension.


It’s not the voice itself that poses a threat—I’m sure Misha would just laugh at us, nothing more. It’s her silent companion that worries me. From the sounds of it they’re fooling around near the sinks right now. Rika is once again on the verge of exploding into laughter. If we’re lucky, maybe we can just sit tight and they’ll leave in a few minutes… please, Rika, don’t do it… not this time…

“Are you suuure~ you don’t need help getting undressed, Shicchan? Here, let me show you how! That’s not how you undo a bra, silly! Ahaha—ahhh… okay, I’ll wait over here. I can wash your back, though~! Everyone needs a back-washer!”

God damn it. No escape now. I can hear their footsteps heading towards us. If only Rika hadn’t thought it would just be sooo cool to do it in an open stall… we could’ve just turned the water back on and been fine… I snatch up the stall’s one towel and tie it quickly around myself, justifying my selfishness by thinking that Shizune would be more upset seeing me naked than two other girls.

“This isn’t funny! She could expel me!” I hiss at Rika.

“Maybe. But it’s still funny!” Rika shoots back.

“Wash me,” Saki says, reaching up and turning the shower back on.

“What?” we both ask.

“I have a plan,” she says plainly.

We don’t have time to question her any further before the dynamic duo appears in front of us, both stark nude just as we are. Any composure I might’ve had fails me as my eyes are inevitably drawn to the two ample pairs of assets flapping in my face. Shizune’s are the more impressive, but they’re only visible for a couple seconds before she covers up. Misha’s are no joke, though. I put a hand dumbly onto Saki’s shoulder, vaguely remembering that we were supposed to be washing her.

“Hicchan~! What are you doing in here!” Misha demands.

Shizune starts signing only to immediately stop when she realizes that doing so requires uncovering her chest. Unable to contain herself any longer, Rika starts laughing, burying her face in my neck to try and hide it from Shizune. I doubt she’s fooled. As I watch her struggle with an impossible dilemma—speak and flop her boobs at us in the process, or stand and be laughed at in silence—I can’t help but crack up a little myself. After a few seconds of this absurd stalemate Shizune finally storms off, looking redder in the face and more flustered than I’ve ever seen her.

I try to make a break for it but Misha shoves me back with surprising strength.

“Uh uh Hicchan! No running! You are going to explain yourself, mister! Yes, yes you are~!” Misha says, jabbing her finger into me for emphasis.

I’m trying not to stare at her chest again but it’s nearly touching me now.

“My eyes are up here, you know~!” Misha reprimands me.

“Well shit, you could cover them up!” I say.

“And let you just get away? No way, Hicchan, no way~! I’ll just have to let you stare. The Student Council always sees to it that justice is served~!”

“You read that in a manga?” Rika asks with a snigger. “Don’t worry, this one’s not going anywhere,” she adds, wrapping one arm around my waist. “I’m not gonna let him slip. We’re in this together now. I uhh, believe in justice too, y’know.”

“That’s good, Ricchan, good~! If you’re lucky, Shicchan will only~ make you clean the showers for the rest of the month!”

“Wait, what?” Rika asks. “Look, he seduced me, he basically made me come in here, I didn’t—”

“Hush,” I say to her. “We can ermm, explain. Really, this isn’t what it looks like!” I protest, though I don’t even sound convincing to myself.

“You can explain~ to Shicchan!” Misha says, stepping aside with a flourish as the president re-appears, now covered in a towel and able to speak with dignity, a capability which she wastes no time in using. The signs are flying fast, as though they’ve been waiting to burst out of Shizune.

“It’s absolutely shameful to find you in the girls’ bathroom in the first place, Hicchan~! Being in here with your girlfriends is even worse! It’s like you don’t have any shame at all, no you don’t! And worse than that, you peeped at the Student Council—Shicchan, I can’t translate if I’m worried about covering my boobs!—like a total pervert! You absolutely should not go out telling anyone how big my chest really is, okay? Oh~! What I mean is, you can tell them how big Misha’s chest is if you, just not—wait, I’m Misha!”

“Okay slow down slow down!” I beg of them.

“Well~! What do you have to say for yourself, mister~?” Misha asks, planting her hands on her hips in a motion firm enough that it causes her drills to jiggle in time with her knockers. I’m never getting that image out of my head…

“Uhh…” I stall.

“Hisao and Rika are assisting me in washing myself,” Saki finally says, seizing her chance. “As the Student Council president is surely aware, bathrooms are a serious fall risk for someone with my condition. It is already dangerous for me to shower alone, to say nothing of the future deterioration that awaits me. We are preparing for that… together.”

Shizune stops mid-sign. I saw her embarrassed for the first time just then; now I’m seeing her taken aback for the first time. It takes her a few seconds to muster a response.

“And it requires two of you?” Misha translates, passing along the best that Shizune could come up with.

“Rika is physically frail and has difficulty supporting my weight. Likewise, she and Hisao both serve to watch each other for heart incidents, should either take a fall of their own,” Saki explains.

“…And you have to do it naked?” Misha adds.

“Is there a rule against students removing their clothing in the shower?” Saki responds immediately.

Shizune furrows her brow and struggles with her signs, clearly having trouble keeping up.

“There is a rule against Hicchan being in the girls’ shower naked!” Misha says.

“There is not,” Saki asserts. “It’s the middle of the day. Curfew is nowhere near. Indecent public displays are forbidden, but showers are not considered public areas. No rule expressly forbids a boy from entering the bathroom in the girls’ dormitory.”

Damn. Glad she’s on our side.

“Yes! Well! Hmm~!! Shicchan says! If you’re going to do that, make sure you clear it with the Student Council first!”

“What regulation requires that we seek such approval?” Saki asks.

“Wait wait,” Rika cuts in. “So you’re saying… I could get it in writing, signed by the council president… that Hisao is allowed to come and go from the girls’ dorm and showers?” she asks, an evil smirk on her face. “Where do I sign?”

“There is no regulation for it! Of course! I just forgot! Aha~, Shicchan, you’re so silly! You never forget the rules! What? Why shouldn’t I say that to them? Shicchan, don’t get mad! Waaahh~!”

Throwing her hands up in anger, Shizune storms away in defeat. Rika tries to swat her on the rear as she turns to leave but barely misses. Misha sees it, though, and gives Rika a big grin.

“Good job, Ricchan, Sacchan!” Misha whispers, as if Shizune might hear her. “I didn’t think about fall risking! Now Shicchan has to let me shower with her~!”

With that revelation, Misha flounces off after her best friend, no doubt to make the case for shared showers all around. I rub Saki’s back, then lean down and plant a kiss on the top of her head without thinking. She doesn’t seem to mind.

Thank you,” I say. “I don’t know where that came from, but thank you.”

“Saki used to be on the debate team,” Rika explains.

“Yeah. I can believe it. Used to be?”

“It grew boring,” Saki says plainly.

“Huh. Fair enough. Seriously, if you want me to actually help you shower… it’s the least I can do to pay you back for saving my ass. Rika’s too.”

“If you are in my debt, then I’d like to specify the form of payment,” Saki says.

“Sure, of course! Anything you want!” I say.

The pleasant smile that always sits on her face goes just the smallest bit wider as I realize what I’ve just signed up for.

“Where to begin…” Saki muses, pulling herself slowly up my body.

While she comes at me from the front, Rika wraps herself around me from behind.

“We made a pretty good team back there. Wonder what else we’d be good at together?” she whispers into my ear before giving it a nibble.

I don’t know how it’s possible for me to get hard again, but it’s happening. I guess I am in a running shower with the naked bodies of two cute girls writhing around my own. I undo the towel around my waist and toss it off with a sigh, preparing myself for what’s to come.

“God, there’s two of you now, isn’t there?” I muse.

These girls are going to be the death of me… at least I’ll die doing something (or someone?) I love…


And that is the end! Flawed? Yes! Bad? Maybe! But I wrote it anyways! And I really had fun with it. I'm glad that some people were able to enjoy it as well. I do like that this story got some more complex reactions as well, beyond just "it was nice" and the like. Feels appropriate for it. Again, a big thanks to EurobeatJester, Sgt. Pepper and Retrograde for beta reading it!

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Completed)

Posted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 8:20 am
by Feurox
And Riposte has reached it's climatic conclusion. This story obviously became quite the topic of discussion, and whilst much hasn't changed in my thoughts since my initial post regarding the story, I'd like to first congratulate you on finishing the story! I'd also like to once again reassure you that it was a truly enjoyable read for me!

Most of the criticism's I levelled against this story have held fast. However, i think given the important theme of acceptance in Riposte, (Hisao coming to terms with Rika's past, her relationship with Saki, and Rika doing the same for Hisao), I'd like to also highlight where some of my previous criticism have been addressed, or where I was perhaps wrong to make it.

I wrote:
There's a disconnect between these two states of Hisao, and I don't think it's necessarily unreconcilable, but the journey from these two destinations doesn't feel adequate. It may be a result of the short time frame you're setting this in, but Hisao seems to think with his penis in a far more literal sense then necessary in these scenes. On top of that, one thing that I think really adds to Hisao not feeling like Hisao in a really huge, but easy to fix way, is the colloquial swearing. He swears a lot, sometimes unnecessarily, which just doesn't seem to fit the thoughtful character you yourself have described in his musings.
(With regards to Hisao's change in character.)

I have since come to prescribe more to your understanding that Hisao does in fact behave in a far more sexually motivated way than I gave him credit for. I would still argue that the change from Hisao's initial character into the one that exists within this story is far too quick, but I also believe that the two destinations are far more reconcilable then I presented in my criticism, and by the end, Hisao does behave in accordance to the character you've made him - Hisao's inner thoughts and actions line up, and the conclusion demonstrably reinforce this recapitulation of character and action. It's still too quick a process, but the short frame of the story allows that. I still take issue with his rampant swearing, especially in these last few chapters, but it does fit him, considering the impact Rika has had on him. My problem with it, rather than being a character issue, is that I find that the swearing loses it's impact. Hisao swearing works, especially in this story, but if it had been a bit less frequent I would have been more affected by it. The swearing emphasises Hisao's frustration and confusion, but by the end here, he's doing it just a little too much, when you're evidently capable of writing without it. I fully acknowledge this could be a personal preference however.

The conclusion of Riposte doesn't feel rushed, which is a relief - I'm glad you didn't finish this story for the sake of it, and you can tell that you're passionate. As mentioned before, and even by those that dislike the content of the writing, your technically ability remains sound throughout the story. I'm surprised to see such a happy ending, but then, as stated, I also think that the journey that your characters have taken is a reasonable one, even if it has it's problems. I am admittedly surprised Hisao wasn't bothered that Saki and Rika had been fooling around behind his back, but the guy probably shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. (The gift horse being Rika forgiving him for sleeping with Miki, mind out of the gutter please...Oh who am I kidding.)

What drew me to this story, and what kept me engaged, was your Rika, not your Hisao. Her backstory was complicated, and her actions made a twisted sort of sense throughout the story. I think the premise that began this story does Riposte a disservice. It's not a joke of a story, or a parody (I know you clarified that, but I'd like to reinforce it.) but a serious story about confusing people who hurt each other, perhaps unwillingly, or perhaps not.

I ended my first criticism of Riposte by musing on that title, and I'd like to do the same again here, but to a different end.

A Riposte involves hitting a target in a vulnerable spot. Both Hisao and Rika do this to one another, but rather than coming out bloody and bent, they emerge stronger. I maintain that this reflects onto the reader as well; Riposte hits hard and fast - but the reader emerges enriched with an interesting experience, regardless of their view on the story itself.

Riposte was a fascinating read, thank you for writing it.

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Completed)

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:10 pm
by Hanako Fancopter
Such detailed thoughts for a second time--I thank you once again! First off since you gave me permission! I'm going to share the music piece you composed based on this story, because someone literally making music over my fanfic is way too cool for me to not post: ...

I'll also be putting it in the first post!
Feurox wrote:
Mon Aug 05, 2019 8:20 am
I have since come to prescribe more to your understanding that Hisao does in fact behave in a far more sexually motivated way than I gave him credit for. I would still argue that the change from Hisao's initial character into the one that exists within this story is far too quick, but I also believe that the two destinations are far more reconcilable then I presented in my criticism, and by the end, Hisao does behave in accordance to the character you've made him - Hisao's inner thoughts and actions line up, and the conclusion demonstrably reinforce this recapitulation of character and action. It's still too quick a process, but the short frame of the story allows that. I still take issue with his rampant swearing, especially in these last few chapters, but it does fit him, considering the impact Rika has had on him. My problem with it, rather than being a character issue, is that I find that the swearing loses it's impact. Hisao swearing works, especially in this story, but if it had been a bit less frequent I would have been more affected by it. The swearing emphasises Hisao's frustration and confusion, but by the end here, he's doing it just a little too much, when you're evidently capable of writing without it. I fully acknowledge this could be a personal preference however.
I agree that the character growth happens very fast, probably too fast, with regards to Hisao. I do think this is a consequence of committing myself to only 10-ish chapters, thus requiring me to cram everything I wanted to do into a compressed space. One thing I would consider in hindsight is to use some more time skips like the one between chapter one and two to have the story span a period of a few months as the game does, without having to greatly increase the length in terms of word count. And yes were I to write a "Riposte Definitive Edition" I would definitely address the swearing, by having it be practically non-existent at first and maybe even having Hisao be annoyed by Rika doing it, before he eventually starts to do it himself. I think for instance, if when he says "Fine. Let's just fuck," in chapter 2, the f-bomb could have had more impact if it's the only time he uses the word in the first 5 chapters or something along those lines, since it would more effectively convey how pissed he is at that moment.
I am admittedly surprised Hisao wasn't bothered that Saki and Rika had been fooling around behind his back, but the guy probably shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. (The gift horse being Rika forgiving him for sleeping with Miki, mind out of the gutter please...Oh who am I kidding.)
This was a story point I had in mind at first--I ended up omitting it due to not having room. If the story continued, this would be the next conflict to come up (issues with an attempted three-way relationship, trust issues when Hisao realizes that Rika might go and fuck other people behind his back besides only Saki, etc.).

Riposte was a fascinating read, thank you for writing it.
And thank you for reading!

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Completed)

Posted: Sun Oct 13, 2019 3:43 pm
by NoticeMeOppai
I don't check the forum for a few months and come back to find you've written a whole mini route! Impressive stuff!

Interesting to see the different reactions to this, personally I enjoyed reading it, despite the rushed nature of the start and some odd believability issues here and there, but they've all been covered previously.

What I didn't really get was Miki's whole 'Big Sexy' schtick. I have to admit I snercked a bit when she first said it but her whole thing of seeming really vulnerable when Hisao called her on it then going straight back to using it seconds later just left me a little confused. Like what was the point of that whole interaction? Was she playing it up in a flirty way or genuinely hurt and then trying to play it off?

On the whole though, it was a well written story and I really enjoyed it. I particularly enjoyed how for such a sex heavy fic, the sex was integral to the plot but not the reason for it.

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Completed)

Posted: Tue Oct 15, 2019 12:46 am
by Hanako Fancopter
Thanks for the comment and glad you enjoyed the story despite its flaws! I will say that the "mini route" format was a useful experience in thinking about how to pace a story. The "Big Sexy" thing is an ascended meme that I decided to play around with a bit. The implication is that Miki fakes being hurt over Hisao calling her on it to troll him, though you could also interpret it as her trying to force her way past the insecurity by just continuing to say it anyways. In a way, this mirrors how memes are funny once or twice, then grow stale and grating over time, but inevitably continue to be used anyways whether you like them or not.

Re: Riposte (Rika Story) (Completed)

Posted: Tue Oct 15, 2019 5:47 pm
by Razoredge
That was a nice reading for me from the start to the end. You, sir, have a good writing, I really like it.
Such as Notice, I didn't get the Miki thing too, but you have your own vision about that, and that's a thing I like too. Different visions are good, especially on VN characters.
I wish I could write H scenes such as you or Euro. That was right every fucking time, really.

I enjoyed my reading a lot. Thanks buddy.