(Updated 7/28/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - No Heart Attack]

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(Updated 7/28/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - No Heart Attack]

Post by NelNinja » Mon Mar 04, 2019 11:38 pm

WARNING: Self-deprecation incoming

I swear I'm fine, I chose this life and it's consequences. Just bear with me.

Coolio, it's time to post the first chapter of a fic that I'm probably going to hate myself for committing to!

First things first, I originally played Katawa Shoujo back in 2012, I think it was in September/October of that year. I recently decided to go through it again which eventually led me to this forum because I needed some Misha love in my life.

Good god, this forum.

It ignited something in me that's only happened a few times in my life: a need to write. My first story on this forum is a one-shot and I thought that would put a lid on the fire and quench the embers. NOPE! Next things I know, this monstrosity pops into my head after reading several other fan fics on this site, and that's when I knew I was screwed.

The general idea is, "What would happen if Hisao didn't have a heart attack during the confession between him and Iwanako?" Well, ladies and gentleman, the short answer is, "A whole fucking lot!" Answering that question led me to change the start of the Visual Novel to Hisao confessing as it seemed the most likely way of him not having a heart attack. I wanted to change as little as possible, universe wise, so I changed one thing: Mai bugs Hisao to confess instead of Iwanako. I'm not sure if Mai being the friend to help out Iwanako is canon, but I half remember something like that... Maybe I owe Leaty more than I thought? Anyways, this led to a whole butterfly effect of changes, of course, but it's still only a single decision.

While I'm still figuring all this out, I have this unrealistic goal of setting up a whole new alternate canon like Mean Time to Breakdown did for Iwanako. Hahaha... Why did I do this to myself? This story picks up about one and a half years after the start of the VN (variant timeline) during college times, so I'm basically starting from scratch! I've written SIX stories in my life...

Speaking of Leaty, it won't show up for at least a few chapters but some of the background details and basic characterization for some characters come from her stories, specifically Bantamweights. Credit to her and dewelar, of Developments, for planting the idea for these characters. Technical permission pending. I'm not stealing anything wholesale AND I'm giving credit where it's due; should be fine.

Additionally, thank you Lap for giving permission to use your story Avenues of Communication for inspiration on character relations.

Maybe that's too much. The story is wholly mine but I don't wanna be pinned for plagiarism if I can help it.

Finally, thank you Mirage_GSM for editing and Hanako Fancopter for proofreading. Lots of work to do, but this story wouldn't be nearly as unflawed as it is without their help. Also some IRL friends helped to, but none of you will know who they are...

Chapter 1 - This post
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Interlude 1
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Interlude 2
Chapter 8

COMMENCE STORYTELLING

---------------------------------------

Chapter 1

I can’t shake this feeling fate has left me behind.

A velvet box sits rejected on the table. The only thing holding back the tears are my eyes welded shut and my denial of the words she said.

“I’m sorry… I can’t let you waste your life with me.”

How could she think that? After dating for almost two years, living together for half of it, why can’t she see I want nothing more than to be by her side for the rest of our lives?

“You deserve someone better than me…”

No-one is better than you. I’ve loved you for years.

“Goodbye, Hisao…”

The day this all started keeps coming to mind.

Iwanako… Where did I go wrong?

-------------------About One and a Half Years Ago--------------------

Hands near my face, I exhale fog in a vain attempt to keep the cold from sinking further into me.

“I can’t believe Mai convinced me to do this…” My failed attempts at being suave come to the forefront of my mind, the number of crumpled notes that steadily filled the waste bin near my desk at home. Eventually, I settled on something I thought wasn’t too corny - but still proper - to fit the air I saw around Iwanako. Of course, Mai immediately rejected it, instead pulling out a typed letter she insisted I use instead.

I’ve been out here for almost an hour now, standing in this god-forsaken cold, near the tree mentioned in Mai’s letter. “Come on Iwanako, Mai promised she’d drag you here if she had to…”

Snow falls silently from the white-painted sky, telling me that time is indeed passing. After what seems another eternity, the rustling of dry snow underfoot interrupts my wallowing. I hear someone approaching from behind.

“Hi… Hisao?” Hesitation and trepidation are readily apparent from the dainty voice, one I could recognize anywhere, a voice that I’ve heard hundreds of times from eavesdropping.

Scenery spins around me as I turn to face her, my heart finally catching up to who my head already knows is there. “Iwanako…” Hours of rehearsing, days of worry, weeks of anticipation - gone, none of it survives contact with this girl.

She pulls her blazer tight, her skirt and thigh-high socks doing little to shield her from the cold, “Ah… yes. A friend gave me a note… It was yours?”

The shadow of a smile creeps across my face, well hidden behind my face flushing, “Ah, yeah… Mai made sure I could-” NO, NONONONONONO! Do not finish that statement! It’s hard enough standing here in front of her, no need to make this worse for you. “I’m glad you got it…” Her shy, joyous smile makes my whole body tense up, rooting me to the spot. My throat’s tight, but I’ve been preparing for this moment for months. I take a few deep breaths to calm my heart and loosen my throat. “S-Sorry to bring you o-out in the cold…” A wind stirs the branches, cacophonous music to my ears. Iwanako shivers.

She rights herself, locking her eyes with mine, bolstering my waning confidence. “Ah, it’s okay! S-sorry I made you wait so long…”

The anxious beating of my heart grows louder, driving me to speak. Once more, I take a deep breath. “Iwanako… you see… I wanted to know… if you’d… gooutwithme?” It takes all of my will to push it out, and I close my eyes, bracing for rejection.

Moments pass, turning to seconds, maybe minutes. Finally, I open my eyes to see Iwanako hiding her face behind her hands. My heart plummets.

Guess that’s it…

Suddenly, she looks up. Tears stream down her face, cheeks flush, a barely contained smile on her lips, “Of course!” Now she’s embracing me, nuzzling her face into my shoulder. My heart twinges, and I feel out of breath, but I can’t wipe this stupid grin off my face.

***

“Hey Hisao, mind filling me in on what that is on your belt?” Takumi, a friend since middle school, chimes in during his visit at lunch. Everyone I know has tried to come up to me today to ask about the device on my hip, though Mai’s glare kept it down to a manageable number.

Shin sits on the desk next to me, a can of coffee in his hand. “Takumi, give the man some peace and quiet!”

“Shin, thanks, but I should at least tell him about it.” I clear my throat, a rehearsed explanation following. “It’s what’s known as a Holter monitor. It records my heart beat and such so the doctor can tell if there is anything abnormal or wrong with it. I got it yesterday when I saw Dr. Nirofuji.”

As per routine, Takumi is confused. “... Why does your heart need monitoring?” Continuing this, an exasperated sigh escapes.

“Because I’ve had trouble breathing and felt a pain in my heart the other day. Doctor thinks I may have arrhythmia.” Despite what I said to Shin, it gets old repeating the same answers to the same inane questions.

“Oh… You gonna be alright man?” Another expected question, though the concern behind his expression is more genuine than most.

“Not sure, going back today with my parents to find out.” I take a bite of my bread. Stale, just like this conversation.

Shin pipes up with a subject I actually haven’t had today. “He noticed after he confessed to Iwanako.” And I really wish he’d have kept his mouth shut. “Have you talked to her yet today Hisao? Have you told her?”

The bread stops just before my mouth, my eyes slowly widening in abject horror, “Shit…” I look over to Mai, her eyes as wide as mine, a juice box straw just inside her mouth.

Fuck! I knew I’d forgotten something!” She tosses the not-quite-empty box in a trash can, sprinting out of the classroom. All that’s left are two incredulous teens and one possibly-cripple boy with his head in his hands.

***

My head hasn’t left my hands since lunch, making for an awkward walk down towards the shoe lockers. Mai told me she’d bring Iwanako to the gate straight after class, but I’m dreading to see her. Slippers swapped for shoes, I make my way out the doors and over to a corner near the gate with my limited, depressed vision. My parents will be here soon to pick me up, but I have a few minutes to salvage the disaster I woefully walked into earlier.

A few minutes pass until I hear Mai’s trademark, “Hey jackass!” pull me from my stupor. Iwanako is as beautiful as ever, though it’s obvious Mai did a terrible job explaining why I need to see her. Embarrassment and dread also fill her face.

“Iwanako, I’m so sorry. I meant to tell you sooner-” It’s at this moment she notices the device on my hip, confusion fully replacing all other emotion.

“What… what is that? A music player?” I can still see apprehension in her eyes, but otherwise she seems to have calmed down.

“Uhhhh… no, it’s a heart monitor,” I lightly tap the center of my chest, “I told you about me being short of breath yesterday, right? My doctor thinks I may have arrhythmia after hearing a strange rhythm when I saw him yesterday.” The relief on her face is pushed aside for concern.

“Oh no, are you going to be alright?” Come on, would I be at school if I wasn’t?

“Yeah, should be, but my parents are coming to-” I notice the sheen of the gray car my dad drives. “Ah, they’re here. I’m going to see the doctor today to give him back this device so he can go over the data. Then we’ll know for certain and discuss all that’s gonna happen.” I force a small smile on my face in an attempt to reassure my girlfriend. “Don’t worry, it’ll all be fine.”

She seems less than convinced. “Oh, okay. Well, let me know when you know more. I’ll be with Mai if you can’t reach me.” As an unconvincing smile crosses her face, I glance over at Mai who gives a nod before her normally strong face softens into a disarming grin. A sigh of relief exits my mouth.

“Okay, I will. Talk to you soon.”

-----

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Last edited by NelNinja on Sun Jul 28, 2019 10:20 pm, edited 26 times in total.
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Re: (WIP) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate (What happens if one misses fate?)

Post by BristerXD » Tue Mar 05, 2019 12:17 am

Hey man, glad to see more people getting inspired to write on this forum. Especially with such cool ideas like these which I haven’t seen before. This is a super interesting direction to take the characters since we really know ever little about them.

Now I do have some points of criticism. In the beginning it sounds a lot like Hisao is the one that invited Iwanako to the forest even thought in the VN it’s clear that she is the one who invited him. I don’t know if this is a deliberate choice to help aid in charactization for the future but it realky confuses me starting off.

After that there a little bit more confusion with the lunch scene as I got lost in who was saying what line a bit. I think it would have been a great chance to add some physical description of the characters in that scene. Nothing over board but something so we could actually visualize these people better. This could just be a personal thing but without at least a little something to go off of it all looks like disembodied voices in my head when I’m reading.

But I’m sure you’ll improve as you continue to write. Your diolouge seems believable so far and you did a nice job so far with some immediate characization. Plenty of room to flesh things out. Overall this was a good start to an idea that I really hope you see to the end. May you have luck on your creative journey.

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Re: (WIP) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate (What happens if one misses fate?)

Post by NelNinja » Tue Mar 05, 2019 12:52 am

BristerXD wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 12:17 am
Now I do have some points of criticism. In the beginning it sounds a lot like Hisao is the one that invited Iwanako to the forest even thought in the VN it’s clear that she is the one who invited him. I don’t know if this is a deliberate choice to help aid in charactization for the future but it realky confuses me starting off.
That is intended. I had to think of a reason why he wouldn't have a heart attack in the scene and flipping the scenario seemed like the best option without info-dumping. I will change my pre-word to not give the wrong impression. Other than that:

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BristerXD wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 12:17 am
After that there a little bit more confusion with the lunch scene as I got lost in who was saying what line a bit. I think it would have been a great chance to add some physical description of the characters in that scene. Nothing over board but something so we could actually visualize these people better. This could just be a personal thing but without at least a little something to go off of it all looks like disembodied voices in my head when I’m reading.
Noted. I'll look it over. No-one mentioned that before you, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't improve it.

edit:
BristerXD wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 12:17 am
Hey man, glad to see more people getting inspired to write on this forum. Especially with such cool ideas like these which I haven’t seen before. This is a super interesting direction to take the characters since we really know ever little about them.
...

But I’m sure you’ll improve as you continue to write. Your diolouge dialogue seems believable so far and you did a nice job so far with some immediate characization characterization. Plenty of room to flesh things out. Overall this was a good start to an idea that I really hope you see to the end. May you have luck on your creative journey.
Thank you! I'm honestly a little whelmed with how much I've figured out with this story and where it's going. One of the reasons I wanted to post this first chapter (I have a few written) was because, despite Mirage and a few friends telling me they enjoyed it, that little voice in the back of my head kept telling me it was shit and that I should give up. Posting this and hearing positive feedback helps prove that voice wrong!
Last edited by NelNinja on Tue Mar 05, 2019 2:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: (WIP) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate (What happens if one misses fate?)

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Tue Mar 05, 2019 1:38 am

It's not shit and you shouldn't give up! To me, it's always fun to just see what people do, regardless of labeling it "good" or "bad."
An Unusual Friendship (Misha x Hanako Route)
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Re: (WIP) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate (What happens if one misses fate?)

Post by NelNinja » Tue Mar 05, 2019 2:28 am

Hanako Fancopter wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 1:38 am
It's not shit and you shouldn't give up! To me, it's always fun to just see what people do, regardless of labeling it "good" or "bad."
Thank you, though you do have the luxury of reading ahead :lol:

Seriously though, I know you're right. The plot is coming together in my head, slowly but surely.
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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by NelNinja » Tue Mar 05, 2019 3:21 pm

Okay, this chapter wraps up the threads from last time so I thought I'd post it today.

It'll be a bit until Chapter 3 is up as I want more of a buffer before doing so.


Enjoy!

-----------------------------------

Chapter 2

Dr. Nirofuji looks troubled but not overly grim; hopefully that’s a good sign. After reviewing the data from the past day, he’s asked me several questions about how I felt, what happened at certain times and if I’ve felt any pain. I do the best I can to be truthful, filling him in on my day-to-day routine and what’s different today.

“Okay, it doesn’t seem too serious, though it’s good we caught it now. You’re extremely lucky that nothing has triggered an episode so late into your teens. If you hadn’t caught it now, you may have had a heart attack and needed immediate surgery.” I hear a gasp from my parents, but they don’t say anything. “For now, don’t push yourself, but I would like you to get in some light exercise more often. You don’t need a pacemaker or anything, for now at least, but strengthening your heart will reduce the likelihood of any major cardiac problems.”

I nod, letting this all soak in. “Something like walking shouldn’t be too much, right?” I already walk a lot because of how much my parents work, but I’ve never done anything particularly strenuous aside from the occasional soccer game with friends.

“Walking should be fine, but make sure someone is with you and you pay close attention to yourself: numbness in your extremities, shortness of breath, heart flutters, pain in your chest. You want to find where your limits are and gradually push them farther, but any of those signs could mean something much more serious.” He jots something down and then removes a piece of paper from his clipboard. “Here’s a list of medications I’m prescribing you that will help avoid anything too serious from happening, but overworking your heart, or a sharp blow to the chest, could still cause an episode. The medication list is not final yet. I’ll send you over to a cardiologist, and over the next few weeks he’ll monitor your progress and adjust dosages as necessary.”

Looking at the list of medications, there are much-too-long names and side effects listed for, I assume, my convenience. Some are twice a day, some are once a day, but all of them stress they should be taken at the same time each day, morning and/or night. I hope Dr. Nirofuji knows what he’s doing, because I sure as hell don’t.

This visit drags on longer than I would like, my parents lobbing a barrage of questions at my doctor. He does an adequate job and seems to allay their concerns, for the most part, so soon enough we’re headed home.

One call and three text messages later, everyone I care about is informed of what’s going on. Iwanako offered to walk with me every day saying it would make dates easy. Any day she can’t make it Mai, Shin, or Takumi will be picking up the slack. Add in my parents, and I have six people who seem willing to cater to my every need just to keep me healthy. It’s heartwarming, but I kinda wish it wasn’t the result of a crippled heart. Almost feels disingenuous, though I’m glad they’re all willing to help.

Looking at my night stand, now populated with little orange bottles, the past couple of days slap me in the face... “One day at a time Hisao, just focus on today.”

---------------------------------

My coffee is getting cold, but I can’t bring myself to care. After a year and a half of catching up, everything was just starting to make sense.

Discovering my arrhythmia led me to reconsider quite a few things and forced me to finally figure out what I wanted in my life. My relationship with Iwanako helped slot a few things in, but it brought up just as many questions. As my final year of high school drew to a close, I had failed the entrance exams while Iwanako passed. After discussing things with my parents and Iwanako, I decided to spend my time preparing again for exams and pick up my education the next year.

My father got me a job at his company. It was just data-entry, but it paid well and left time for me to study. Iwanako and I found an apartment in Suginami relatively near home; her parents, who had never particularly liked me, were against it. They conceded when I informed them of my plans and my job in data-entry; however, they made sure their daughter knew that their home was open if anything happened.

After living together for almost eight months, I felt our relationship was going well, so I asked her parents for her hand in marriage. Despite their reservations, they agreed and gave their blessing. Talking with Mai, I decided on a time and place, found a ring, and began preparing.

Now, I sit here alone, rejected, in a place we both enjoyed. The only reason the tears aren’t flowing is through my denial and sheer force of will. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here.

A cute server pulls me from my wallowing as she checks if I’m alright. She always has this huge smile on her face with bright pink drills hanging from her head, so when I look up and see her cheerful demeanor replaced by a deep frown, I can’t bring myself to continue.

Thanking her, I stuff the ring box into my coat pocket and pick up my coffee.

One day at a time Hisao, just focus on today.

It’s lukewarm by now, but indulging in something helps calm me down just a bit. The frown doesn’t disappear, but she nods and walks off, another table needing her attention.

Eventually, I order another coffee, unable to leave this place near the Tokyo University that Iwanako and I frequented. We stumbled upon it one day as it started to rain, dashing inside in the hopes of waiting out the storm. It passed, but not before this place’s bright atmosphere and kind service captured our hearts, and we have frequented this place ever since. The pink-haired server brings me another cup of coffee, and I thank her. Only once she sits in the booth do I realize she isn’t wearing her normal uniform.

“Everything alright? I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I kinda heard everything that happened…” The unfitting pout remains, I can tell she really wants to help. Not sure if she can, but sitting here wallowing won’t change anything.

“No… Nothing’s right at the moment, but thanks for asking.” My eyes fall upon the cup in my hands, it takes me a moment to realize the sorry face reflected is my own. A pitiful attempt at a smile is the only consolation I can give myself. Mikado, the server sitting across from me, seems to be thinking about something. Every couple of seconds she fidgets, stealing glances at me as if she wants to ask something else. “Are you alright? You look uncomfortable sitting there. We barely know each other, you don’t have to force yourself. I’ll be alright…”

She looks at me, her gold eyes finally settling on mine. “Ummm… Don’t take this the wrong way, but… I’m heading to a karaoke place nearby with some friends. Do you… Do you want to come?” She puts on a nervous smile, fully understanding just how awkward that sounds. “I’m not… Don’t read too much into it, and you can say no, but I thought if… if you could just spend some time around good people, that it might help.”

I’m not sure what expression I’m wearing, but whatever it is, it convinces her awkward grin to fade back to the full-body pout. Don’t give me that look… “Hey, where’s the million watt smile you always wear? This depressed look doesn’t fit you at all.” She seems surprised at my words, but I continue before she can say anything. “Look, I can’t promise to be good company tonight, but why not? As long as there’s no ulterior motive, I’d love to go.”

Wherever her boundless energy comes from, it seems to be back at full capacity as her full-body pout is turned on its head by an equally powerful grin, “Good! Don’t get the wrong idea, but spending the night with three beautiful women should help! Wahahahaha~” With a volume I can’t comprehend, she laughs, getting way too much joy out of my beet red face. Pulling out a cell phone she calls someone. “Lilly? Think we can squeeze one more person in tonight?”

-----

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Last edited by NelNinja on Mon Mar 11, 2019 10:04 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by AJT135 » Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:48 pm

This seems like a decent story so far, though it's a bit early to say much. What I will say, however, is that Hisao and Iwanako's relationship seems to have progressed ridiculously fast (at least, up until the breakup). Moving in together right out of high school and proposing 8 months later just seems crazy to me. It's also kind of jarring to see that entire year of Hisao's life skimmed over in the space of 2 chapters.
Last edited by AJT135 on Wed Mar 06, 2019 10:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by NelNinja » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:27 pm

AJT135 wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:48 pm
this seems like a decent story so far, though it's a bit early to say much. What I will say, however, is that Hisao and Iwanako's relationship seems to have progressed ridiculously fast (at least, up until the breakup). Moving in together right out of high school and proposing 8 months later just seems crazy to me. It's also kind of jarring to see that entire year of Hisao's life skimmed over in the space of 2 chapters.
First rule of writing: only write about the interesting stuff
Second First rule of writing: All the rules are the first rule

In regards to pacing of the relationship, that all comes down to the people. I've known people who meet and get married in 4 months. I also know of people who meet, date for 10 years, have 4 kids, and THEN get married. Moving in after a year of dating isn't too unreasonable (especially considering anime school relationships) and proposing after 20 months of dating isn't that weird either.

Is it unexpected of recent high school graduates? Your mileage may vary. I'd argue KS jumped on the "love train" too early as it is considering most of them confess after only a couple weeks. I move way too fast myself in relationships (KS pacing is sadly spot on) but arguements can be made.

As long as you're enjoying the story, I shouldn't get defensive.

That said:
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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by AJT135 » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:58 pm

NelNinja wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:27 pm
In regards to pacing of the relationship, that all comes down to the people. I've known people who meet and get married in 4 months. I also know of people who meet, date for 10 years, have 4 kids, and THEN get married. Moving in after a year of dating isn't too unreasonable (especially considering anime school relationships) and proposing after 20 months of dating isn't that weird either.
I've also known people get married after only a few months, but those people weren't fresh out of school and just starting uni. In my experience that would definitely be unusual. Same with moving in together. A year isn't extremely abnormal for most people, but it is at that age, especially since very few people move out right after leaving school, relationship or no.

All that said, I don't want to get too nitpicky. I'm enjoying the story so far, and I look forward to seeing where it goes from here.

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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by NelNinja » Tue Mar 05, 2019 8:01 pm

AJT135 wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:58 pm
All that said, I don't want to get too nitpicky. I'm enjoying the story so far, and I look forward to seeing where it goes from here.
Then I'll stop being defensive :wink:

Someone getting married, or moving in together, while going to college (even first year) isn't that weird to me personally, but I grew up in the US of A in South East Texas so take that as you may.

Thanks for pointing it out though, certainly better to know about a potential break for suspension of disbelief than not to.
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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Mar 06, 2019 5:31 am

AJT135 wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:48 pm
It's also kind of jarring to see that entire year of Hisao's life skimmed over in the space of 2 chapters paragraphs.
I don't usually comment on stuff that didn't make it in the published version, but this is kind of funny, because in the original draft it was two sentences instead of two paragraphs.
I don't really see the problem with moving in together that soon, and proposing after almost two years of being in a relationship does not seem too unusual either. I'll be interested in the mysterious reasons for the breakup though. I haven't been able to read that far either...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
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AJT135
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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by AJT135 » Wed Mar 06, 2019 10:08 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Mar 06, 2019 5:31 am
I don't really see the problem with moving in together that soon, and proposing after almost two years of being in a relationship does not seem too unusual either.
I suppose it was more the age they got married that seemed odd to me, since getting married at 19, while not unheard of, is unusual. Thinking about it more, the apartment thing makes more sense if Iwanako had wanted to move out for uni, which is pretty common, even amongst people going to uni near home. I can't say I've ever known anyone move out permanently right after school however, but maybe that's because I'm in the UK where property prices are ridiculous.

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brythain
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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by brythain » Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:15 am

AJT135 wrote:
Wed Mar 06, 2019 10:08 am
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Mar 06, 2019 5:31 am
I don't really see the problem with moving in together that soon, and proposing after almost two years of being in a relationship does not seem too unusual either.
I suppose it was more the age they got married that seemed odd to me, since getting married at 19, while not unheard of, is unusual. Thinking about it more, the apartment thing makes more sense if Iwanako had wanted to move out for uni, which is pretty common, even amongst people going to uni near home. I can't say I've ever known anyone move out permanently right after school however, but maybe that's because I'm in the UK where property prices are ridiculous.
Especially in Japan, where age of marriage is getting later and later, and more people are just not doing it. What might make the story better is to allow more gradual development. Else it's hard for the reader to see how it happened over time. Not that it can't happen, but the reader should see it happening.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by dewelar » Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:26 am

Interesting story so far -- interesting enough to keep reading at least :) . I'm anxious to see who's in Misha's circle in this 'verse.

Regarding some of the other points: yes, I know I didn't really describe Shin or Mai in Developments, but it probably would have improved it a bit if I had. I don't think the characters from the VN necessarily need it unless there's something notably different about their appearance. As for the speed of Hisawako, I can't complain, as I married my wife nine months to the day after we met, and we're still together :D .
brythain wrote:
Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:15 am
Especially in Japan, where age of marriage is getting later and later, and more people are just not doing it. What might make the story better is to allow more gradual development. Else it's hard for the reader to see how it happened over time. Not that it can't happen, but the reader should see it happening.
That really depends on how germane it is to the story, though, and whether there's some revelation to come that might make it more properly placed later. Mistake status: pending.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: (WIP - Updated 3/5/2019) Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate [Divergent Story - Hisao w/o Heart Attack]

Post by Razoredge » Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:41 am

For me, it's really interesting so far. I will keep this story in my "read more" list. I don't see the problem here too. For me, it's a nice content.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

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