Summertales

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oldishgambino
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Mar 01, 2019 6:09 pm

Summertales

Post by oldishgambino » Fri Mar 01, 2019 6:11 pm

Beeing in Yamaku during holidays is a very different experience than during school days. Admittedly Yamaku is a very calm place, unlike my former school, but seeing the rooms and floors, which are normally filled with students and teachers, empty, can give you a weird feeling. If I wouldn´t knew it better one could think Kenji was right all along and the feminists finally took over.
I wasn´t completely alone here. There was also the cafeteria and medical staff but I haven´t seen any other students. Okay I just arrived and unpacked my bags, but still…normally I would be greeted by my neighbourgh and listen to his crazy rambling. I guess even a anti feministic soldier like him needed vacation or they killed him. I laughed a bit. In a few days school would start and everyone would be back, but for then there was just boredom. „The air here in Yamaku is truly something else“ I said to myself, as I opened the window. You could say Yamaku is like a painting. The Lillys are shining red and reminding me of someone special, the birds are singing, the grass is green and there´s even a butterfly and the… wait, whats that? In the distance I see a small figure running on the tracks…

„Therefore you could say it was partially my fault. As a class representative you definitly have a certain ammount of responsibilites. However we´re voted democratically by our classmates, so we´re oblieged to act in their favour. Admittedly the festival was a great pleasure, and occasionally you have to work hard, but that doesn´t mean you´re allowed to harass other people. Sometimes I feel like Shizune is doing this more for her ego than to please her classmates.“
To be honest I can agree with both sides. Shizune is a workhorse, while Lilly is more laid back. When 2 different characters like these two have to work together, they obviously gonna fight at one point. To be honest I don´t really care about that.
I´m just happy that she´s still by my side. I almost lost her to her family in Scottland. When Iwanako visited me, there was always a very awkward vibe. We haven´t talked that much about personal things. The only topics were school topics like homework and stuff like that. But with Lilly it´s like nothing changed. She´s still the wonderful lady I fell in love with. For the last 3 weeks she visited me everyday. At first she was accompanied by Hanako,Emi Rin,Yuko,Misha and even Shizune. But one after one went into vacation until she was alone with me.
„So how you´re feeling today son?“ the doctor came in. He was a friendly old men, who seemed to have his best days behind him. His voice was very rough and I imagine he would be a succesful voice actor for a captain of a marine ship.

H: I´m feeling a better. Still tired but alright I guess.

D:Well you look better too. And you´re heart seems to adjust more and more to you´re pacemaker.

H:Yeah I feel it.

D:Really?

H:No
Lilly laughed a bit.

D:Ah a clown, well I have good news for you son. You´re test results are back and they seem pretty good. In fact there is no reason to keep you here any longer. Tomorrow in the morning we will do a quick check-up and then you´re parents can pick you up.

H: That´s… these are wonderful news doctor thank you very much.

D: You´re making me cry kid. I´ll let you two alone.

With that he left the room. Lilly was holding my hand the whole time and was trying to hide her emotions with her typical light smile. She is probably more exciting about the good news than me.

L:What an uhmm exciting personality

H:“He´s actually a nice guy. You know on of those old school guys,who wear their heart on the tongue.
Anyways you´re doing anything tomorrow? Because you know, I have some free time“
I couldn´t help myself but put a huge grin on my face. My summer should be rescued at last and I can spend some time with my girlfriend. Maybe we can go camping or go to the beach. Lilly would look awesome in a bathsuit and my skin tone is way to pale.

L:…

H:Wait is everything alright?

L:Yes of course it´s just… Do you know what day it is?

H:“Thursday the 15th… ohhh
I understood. Lilly decided, that she wouldn´t move to Scottland but still spend her holidays with her family. Her flight was booked for Thursday the 15th July at 20:00

H:Damn

L: I´m so sorry

H:“No you don´t have to apologise. You really don´t. You´re the reason I survived this horrible time here. You deserve some vaccation. Don´t worry about me. I will go with my parents back into my hometown and see my old friends again. I feel like there´s some undone buisness there.

L:“I´m glad you see it that way. For now I have to farewell but remember, it´s just temporarly.
And please don´t follow me again to the airport you´ve caused us all a lot of trouble.“
She said the last sentence with a wink.

H: „I love you Lilly“

L: „I love you too.“


As I approached the tracks there was a single person running her rounds in the burning sun. When she saw me from the other side of the field she stopped for a bit, looked at me and waved. After that she continued running in the heat. At this moment I recieved a message from Hanako.

Ha:“Hey Hisao“

Hi: „Hanako how are you what are you doing“

She responded with a selfie of her and 2 other girls in front of the Hozomon in Tokio.
I couldn´t help myself but smile. Seeing her enjoying herself with others is just too wholesome.
When I think back to time, where she ran away from me, it would be unimaginable for her to do stuff like this.

Hi: Seems like you´re having a great time. I´ve just arrived in Yamaku.

Ha: Oh you´re already there. I hope theres someone you know there

Hi: Actually yeah I´ve just found

HISAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

That was the last thing I heard, before I was tackled in the manner of a quaterback. They say, in your last seconds you see flashbacks of all the important moments in your life. How you was born, the first time I hugged my mother, my first word and the excitment of my parents, the first day in school and how I met the love of your life. But I was only feeling pain.

E: Oh my god Hisao you´re the last person I expected seeing here. At first I was like that can´t be him but then I came closer and when I saw you I was so excited because I didn´t expext you to be here because you were in the hopsital and I visited you. You might remember it because

H: Wait a minute
Am I still alive

E: Yeah of course you are...
Oh my god I completely forgot about your problem, what was I thinking. I could have killed you. I´m so sorry. And that´s already the second time oh my god I could´ve been a murderer. Please forgive me Hisao you know I´m not a murderer.

I couldn´t be to mad at her, given to the puppy eyes she was giving me again. Well, that and also the fact that this tackle didn´t end me. But why not have some fun.

H:I´ll forgive you,if I can punch you three times.

E: uhhmm 2 times

H: 2 punches one on the face and one on the arm

E: 2 on the arm

H: One on the face.

E:Deal

H:Really?

E:But not too hard

H:Yeah we´ll see about that now close your eyes.

E: O...Okay

I was actually surprised she would let me do it. But she looked so frightend, like a calf standing in front of a butcher.
Before I can react she ran away. I wanted to follow her but my physique was way to bad to hang with Emi but I think I know exactly where she went to.
As soon as I entered the Nurse room Emi shouted

E:Nurse please help me Hisao wants to punch me.

H:That´s not true at all I was just joking around.

E:Liar, you were ready to punch a helpless women

H:You weren´t so helpless when you tackled me like a battering ram.

E: I told you I was excited to see you. Is that a reason to punch someone in the face, nurse?

He gave me a long look with a serious expression, until he lighted up.

N:Hisao old chap how was you´re summer

H:It was alright I guess. Most of the time I was in the hospital. After I got release I went home to my parents, but there wasn´t anything special to do so…

E: WHAT?? You didn´t went on vaccation? I was in Hawai with my Mom and returned early to train. This year you´re gonna see the best Emi of all time. Hopefully I can qualify for the paralympics.

H:Can´t wait for that.

E:Haven´t you really done anything special this summer. You know something, you´ll never forget?
On Hawai there were so many things wich I will never forget. Do you know how amazing it is to stand next to an active volacano?

H: I imagine it is but no most of the times I was just hanging around. To be honest the time in the hospital was even more fun because of you guys. At home there were some… let´s call them complications.

E: I see. Nurse distract him for a bit I have to do something. This shouldn´t take too long.

N:Yes captain

After that Emi stormed out of the room in the same way she probably entered it.

H: So… how do you want to distract me.

N: Oh don´t worry we can make a check up if you like to. I would love to see your new toy which holds you alive. Also this is the perfect oppourtunity to see a half-naked minor.

H: You know… Maybe you shouldn´t joke too much about those things.

N: Yeah sure let´s call them jokes.
He winks at me

20 minutes of awkward silence later I found Emi already waiting for me in front of the nurse room, with a list in her hand.

E: You said your summer was awful and boring? Well you´re lucky that you´re befriended with the best holidayplaner in the world. And today I will face my biggest challenge. I want to put a whole summer of fun and excitement into one day.

H: uhmm…

E: There´s no time to lose. While you were busy, I was creating my masterplan for today. I wrote all the fun places I went to on a list and we´re gonna visit them all. Are you ready for the best day of your life?

H: I don´t know… I´m a bit tired

E: I SAID ARE YOUU READYY?

H: You´re not gonna let me go aren´t you?

E: You already know the answer.

H: Okay fine it shouldn´t be that bad.

Emi hesitated a bit.

H:What? Are you getting cold feet?

E: No, but hmm how do I say this… My summer was very „exciting“ and I liked it but my purse took a great damage. So…

H: Fine I´ll pay

E: Yeah great, there´s so many things to do, then LETS GOOO

And she didn´t lie. At first we went to a eat brunch in a western style cafe, where they had the „best pancakes in the world“. I ordered one with strawberry jam and cream. It was nothing compared to Emis 3 which had all kind of fillings and extras. After that we grabbed some ice-cream and made our way to the amusment park on the pier. Even though I´m afraid of heights we played with pretty much everything which was there. The Autoscooter was pretty fun but the roller coasters, especially the one with several loopings, were just terrifying. Emi didn´t seem to care about anything. If it was for her they could´ve added some loopings. To calm things down, we bought some ice and went to the ferris wheel. Following the lunch in the „best sushi place in the world“
We went to the Zoo. At first I thought it would be boring, but beeing there with Emi is something different. Basically she made a ranking which animal was her favourite one and hearing her arguing with herself about, if a baby lion or a penguin is cuter made me laugh. But after a while she got bored to so we bought some penguin formed ice-cream and went to our final station.

H:Emi are we already going home?

E:NOO!!

H:Okay… I was just asking because we left the town.

E:I know that but no I will take you to my special place.

H: ?

E:Okay it´s my and Rins but she´s not here so it´s my place. You know when… School is already hard and I love running but even I get tired, mentally tired. So Rin showed me this place not far away from Yamaku and every now and then when life is just to much I like to come here, and just chill you know.

H: I see

We walked a while unitl I got tired. I haven´t walked so much since I was released from the hospital. My heart was pounding but thankfully there wasn´t any pain so after a short break I could go on.

H: Is it wide?

E: No no we´re almost there. You´re gonna love it

And she didn´t lie. It was amazing. Arriving at the top of the hill I saw the beautiful view of this place. On the left you could see the dorms and the school building of Yamaku. From here they looked more like a dollhouse. On the right you could make out the first houses of the nearby city. But what really catched my were the cherry blossoms. It´s almost looked like someone painted this whole place in rose. There was also a bank where I decided to take a rest, because the walk was pretty tireing. I would have guessed that Emi would be excited and tell me 10 times how beautiful everything was in her typical overly-excited way. But she just sat there silent with an almost empty face right next to me.

H: Hey is everything alright?

E:What? Of course dummy. I´m at my favorite place why shouldn´t I be happy?
Even though her words said she was happy her eyes betrayed her. I could feel it.

H:Come on I know when you´re lying.

E: I´m not I swear. Right now I couldn´t be happier.

H:Right now?

E: Yeah I mean…
She sighed. Something seemed to be on her mind and it was difficult for her to speak out. But she decided to do it.

E: The cherry blossoms are really nice aren´t they?

H:Yeah

E:I love them. Everytime they bloom my mood gets better. It´s almost like a holiday. But as soon as they go I get this empty feeling. That summer is over and the bubble of joy I find myself in just pops.

H: I know that feeling. Everyone is sad once the summer is over and school starts. But there´s always a next year.

E:No, it´s more than that because there is no next year, not for us. Everyone will be going his own way. And to be honest. It sucks. I hate how all these people I knew, with whom I laughed, cried and worked, will become nothing more than a memory. Memories which remind me of better times, because it will never get better than this. Yeah school is sometimes hard but this whole community feeling is so nice. And… don´t interrupt me. I know that we can try to stay in touch but that doesn´t work. That´s not how the real world works. It just… it sucks okay.
Her voice was shaking when she ended her last sentence.

H:Wow

E:I´m sorry I just

H: No it´s okay. I really appreciate that you open up to me. I wish I could tell you something that could help you but I have the same feeling. When I came to Yamaku it was the worst for me. The whole disabled thing was new to me and than I should go to a extra designed for disabled persons. I felt humiliated. Finally labeled as a disabled person. I know I know so foolish but that´s what I thought. I didn´t expect the people here open up to me and treat me like a family. I didn´t expect to find so many friends here and even the girl I love. But most importantly I didn´t expect to find happines here. To be honest in the past I wasn´t satisfied with my life. I wasn´t depressed or anything I just felt that there was something missing. Something I couldn´t really put my finger on but somehow I found it here. That this will end soon is sad I know but somehow I´m not really upset about it anymore. I´m excited for the future and you should be too. And hey maybe not everyone can be friends after school but I´m sure we will stay in touch.


E: What makes you so sure about that?

H: Because I will make you a promise. From now on, every year on the same day. We two will meet up and have a „best day in our lifes“

E: You can´t be serious.

H: What? Are you scared now that I might hold my promise?

Emi only laughed about my remark. It was nice to see her smile again.
We chatted about all kind of things until it got dark and we finally wanted to leave.

E: I guess that´s it soooooo….???

H: Indeed I have to admit it. This was the best day of my life.

E: Of course it was. I´m an expert in those things.

H: I know that now. But now everyday will suck because no day can live up to this one

E: Yeah that´s true but remember. This won´t be your last best day.

H: I can´t wait for the next year.

E: Me too Hisao. Me too







This is my first one so I would be happy with critcism especially when it comes to language. I´m not a native speaker :)

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Razoredge
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Location: Bordeaux, France

Re: Summertales

Post by Razoredge » Fri Mar 01, 2019 8:00 pm

That's a good start, but I think it's a good thing to avoid the script format.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

Arodyrok
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Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 12:20 pm

Re: Summertales

Post by Arodyrok » Fri Mar 01, 2019 8:14 pm

Interesting story. It was a bit awkward starting out with a focus on Lilly being by Hisao's side and then switching to Emi and some of the dialogue is a bit awkward as well. I think that could be solved by switching from a script format for your dialogue. Reading through the story, I think prose is better suited in this case.

Regarding grammar and punctuation, I was a bit thrown off by your apostrophes. It seems like you're using accent marks instead and it just looked a bit funny. I guess that's a relatively minor criticism since you get the point across regardless. What is a bit more confusing is your use of quotation marks. I believe the quotes you're using are used in languages other than English so it was a bit weird seeing them on the bottom at first, but I think the larger issue is that you started using them for dialogue in the beginning and then stopped part way through. I would recommend deciding if you wanted them for dialogue or not so that your work is more cohesive.

Other issues I see is improper use of "Your" and "You're" You use "You're" in places where "Your" is appropriate. In English, "You're" is a contraction of "you are," while "Your" is possessive so you would use it to express ownership.

For example, this sentence
And you´re heart seems to adjust more and more to you´re pacemaker.
should be "your" because you're talking about Hisao's heart and Hisao's pacemaker. If you go through and replace each "You're" with "You are," your sentences should still make sense. I won't point them out because there is a few of them but I would search for all instances of "You're" and change them as need be.

Still commenting on grammar, I have a few suggestions to make. I know it may seem like nitpicking but I think cleaning up a few sentences will make this work better as a whole.
Admittedly Yamaku is a very calm place, unlike my former school, but seeing the rooms and floors, which are normally filled with students and teachers, empty, can give you a weird feeling.
This is a run-on sentence and very long winded. I would recommend breaking this up into 2 or more sentences and possible rewording it if necessary.
If I wouldn´t knew it better one could think Kenji was right all along and the feminists finally took over.
I would replace this with "Didn't know any"
so we´re oblieged to act in their favour.
I would change to "Obligated"
But with Lilly it´s like nothing changed
I would replace with "nothing's changed." or "nothing has changed."
So how you´re feeling today son?
Replace with "are you"
I´ll let you two alone.
Replace with "Leave"
Anyways you´re doing anything tomorrow?
I would replace with "are you"
„Hanako how are you what are you doing“
This is a bit awkward. I don't have any suggestions I can give without rewriting the sentence myself but I would rework it so it's more natural.

I read the entire fic, but unfortunately I could only skim the first half of it for errors. There is much more you could do to tweak the fic and I am sure I missed some areas of improvement while skimming the first part. I think cleaning up some of these areas will greatly improve the overall quality of your fic. Not accounting for taste and content, I think if you worked on your format, corrected the "your vs you're" errors then this would greatly help. You said English isn't your first language but I think you did good for the most part. I can say that I have seen much worse writing from native speakers so keep up the work!

Before I wrap this up, I do want to give my opinions about the content itself. The first two paragraphs of the piece don't really flow together. The second paragraph jumps to a scene rather abruptly and it was the only instance of prose dialogue in the piece so it was a bit strange altogether. After that it focuses on Lilly and then we cut to Hisao in the hospital. I think that scene was supposed to be a sort of flashback? If so I would recommend reworking it a bit to make things more clear and transition a little smoother.

The scene where Hisao and Emi run into each other is a bit awkward as well. Specifically with the part where they are negotiating how many times Hisao gets to hit Emi. The transition into the main plot from there was ok though.

I question Hisao's ability to survive a rollercoaster ride. I think the risk of him dying is really high, especially since he just got out of the hospital for his heart issue.

The intimacy between Hisao and Emi at the end was a bit strange. Normally I would see it as perfectly fine but you made it abundantly clear that Hisao and Lilly are in love so using phrases like "This was the best day of my life" and promising to have more seems a bit off putting. Regardless, if you continue this story, I'm curious to see where you take it.

oldishgambino
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Joined: Fri Mar 01, 2019 6:09 pm

Re: Summertales

Post by oldishgambino » Sat Mar 02, 2019 6:05 pm

Thanks for the constructive criticism I appreciate it :D
I´m definetly gonna work on the mistakes I made in language.
To the plot.
Maybe I was too ambitious because the story isn´t over yet. It was planned as a trilogy and the second part would be Hisaos time at home, which he mentioned. I think Hisaos motivations will get clearer after that. I´ve got to admit that it might be confusing now.
Do someone have any advices on how to make better dialogues. I wasn´t satisfied at all with my work.

Hanako Fancopter
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Joined: Fri May 25, 2018 6:27 pm

Re: Summertales

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:39 pm

I think dialogue comes more naturally as you get more comfortable with writing in general. Try to imagine how people talk to each other--usually there's a lot of give and take, suggestion and response, as opposed to two people simply narrating at each other. I don't know if that makes much sense but that's the best way I can think of to describe it off the top of my head. Good luck with your story!

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Summertales

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Mar 04, 2019 10:25 am

I read up to the point where you started to use script format.
Quite a few grammar mistakes up to there but otherwise okay.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Oddball
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Re: Summertales

Post by Oddball » Tue May 07, 2019 1:47 pm

I'd proof read it a few more times if I were you, and I say that as somebody who is horrible about proof reading.

Also some of your paragraphs tend to drag on when they could easily be split into smaller ones.
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