Lighting Electric Candles (Rin)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Post Reply
User avatar
sgtpepper
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 12:09 am
Location: null

Lighting Electric Candles (Rin)

Post by sgtpepper » Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:15 pm

I heard the door open and close gently. It always confused me. Not the door closing, but it closing gently. You can't be gentle to a door. Can you?

I was thinking too hard again. Thinking so hard I didn't have time to think about what I'd been thinking about earlier. He came up and wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on top of mine. I'd just been sitting for a while, watching the dry paint wetten. His touch and warmness were a nice distraction.

Funny, from this perspective it almost looked like I had arms. But if that was the case, why would I be wrapping myself in my own arms? Maybe I could come up with a reason or two.

"Hi."

Yeah, it's him. I open my mouth.

"Hi."

I lean my head into one of his arms. It's the closest I can come to hugging him back.

"How was your day?"

His voice is gentle, almost like some kind of savory condiment used for cooking. I should probably say something back.

"Medium okay-ish."

I hear him hum a sigh of acceptance. I notice he has a severed flower in his hand.

"A rose?"

I can't see his face, but I can feel him snap out of his daydream. Or is it just a dream now, since it's close to midnight?

"Oh! Yeah. Happy Valentine's Day."

I smiled, before suddenly remembering what I had been thinking about earlier.

"I have something for you to see."

I slowly got out of the chair.

We couldn't hold hands as we walked. Unless my arms grew back. But that would be weird. So we just settled for walking very close to each other. I guided him along the path to our bedroom, though I really didn't need to. He wasn't blind. I hope he wasn't.

We walked into the bedroom. The lights had been switched off. The only light illuminating the room was about a dozen electric candles I'd lit. How can you light electric candles?

There was a painting in the corner. One I'd made that day. Blueish black background, covered in hundreds of flecks of yellow and white paint. Below the stars, two figures sat, their backs to us. One had short brown hair cropped to its shoulders. Its arm was wrapped around another figure with equally short red hair. They were leaning on each other and watching the stars. A small pink heart was painted over them.

"Not my style", as Nomiya would've said. I never understood that. I always painted what I felt.

I saw him smile.

"It's beautiful."

He embraced me. When had I started crying?

I angeled my face up, looking up at him. He warmly smiled and lowered his face down to meet mine, our lips connect-

"Rin? Rin!"

Huh. This wasn't how this memory ended.

"Rin!"

I suddenly snapped back to the present.

He'd died on a Valentines Day too. Not that one, but a Valentine's Day regardless. It wasn't his heart thingy. He'd died in an accident. I didn't really remember the funeral. I just stayed with Emi and cried. Not because I'd lost my husband, or a partner, or a friend, but because I'd lost an interpreter, almost. Almost like if Shizune lost Misha. He understood me like she understood Shizune.

I looked over at Emi, standing beside me.

"We're here."

I nodded, before looking forwards again. As I gazed down, I only felt a little sadness wash over me.

"Hisao Nakai - 1989-2017"

User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 125
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: Lighting Electric Candles (Rin)

Post by Feurox » Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:53 pm

Well. Ouch.

Okay but really this is very sweet. The sudden switch in tenses threw me at first, but it comes to make sense of course. It's a beautifully sad tale made special by Rin's rather confusing attempts to process her grief. I think that end part captures Rin quite well, however, and I'm not an expert on Rin, I'm not entirely sold on your presentation of her at the start. She comes across as very calculating rather than her, difficult to qualify, introspective and rapt personality we see in game. I think you make it work in the end, there's something haunting about this line:

As I gazed down, I only felt a little sadness wash over me.
I don't know if this was intentional, but the ending has some tense dysphoria - where Rin 'snapped' back to 'present' but continues to exist in a state of past. If that's intentional then well done, because it encapsulates that idea that Hisao wasn't a quantifiable label of Husband, lover or friend - but an interstital 'thingy' that didn't need to understand Rin, but be beside her. It's a bit of a sting then that your Rin does label Hisao, as an interpreter. But then, as I said, you make it pretty clear that Rin is lost and not handling her grief - and it does in this instance work, I think.


This was really nice - short and... well it's not sweet in the traditional sense. Happy Valentines day, I guess, thanks for making me feel sad. (That should at least prove I think this is good, honest and powerful). Well done.


Who hurt you?

Hanako Fancopter
Posts: 178
Joined: Fri May 25, 2018 6:27 pm

Re: Lighting Electric Candles (Rin)

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Fri Feb 15, 2019 8:17 pm

ayyy congrats on what is (i think) your first KS fanfic

And a very well done effort it is! Hits the right notes to evoke a feeling of loss and melancholy. Poor Rin...

User avatar
sgtpepper
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 12:09 am
Location: null

Re: Lighting Electric Candles (Rin)

Post by sgtpepper » Fri Feb 15, 2019 10:40 pm

Feurox wrote:
Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:53 pm
I think that end part captures Rin quite well, however, and I'm not an expert on Rin, I'm not entirely sold on your presentation of her at the start. She comes across as very calculating rather than her, difficult to qualify, introspective and rapt personality we see in game.
yeah, i originally wrote the story as close to her in-game personality as possible - but as it's told from her perspective it made it very hard to keep it grounded. in the end i just scrapped the first draft and wrote it normally, but tried to keep her spoken dialog as close to the in-game stuff as i could
Feurox wrote:
Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:53 pm
I don't know if this was intentional, but the ending has some tense dysphoria - where Rin 'snapped' back to 'present' but continues to exist in a state of past. If that's intentional then well done, because it encapsulates that idea that Hisao wasn't a quantifiable label of Husband, lover or friend - but an interstital 'thingy' that didn't need to understand Rin, but be beside her. It's a bit of a sting then that your Rin does label Hisao, as an interpreter. But then, as I said, you make it pretty clear that Rin is lost and not handling her grief - and it does in this instance work, I think.
i'm glad my writing was sensical enough to get this through - my intention was to have rin quantize hisao as something that could possibly be taken the wrong way, but in context is understandable
Feurox wrote:
Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:53 pm
Who hurt you?
good question
Hanako Fancopter wrote:
Fri Feb 15, 2019 8:17 pm
ayyy congrats on what is (i think) your first KS fanfic

And a very well done effort it is! Hits the right notes to evoke a feeling of loss and melancholy. Poor Rin...
thanks, i'm glad you guys like it

User avatar
brythain
Posts: 3448
Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2014 8:58 pm
Location: East Asia
Contact:

Re: Lighting Electric Candles (Rin)

Post by brythain » Sat Feb 16, 2019 10:48 am

That's lovely. It's one of those things a person might feel they should've tried to write, but someone already wrote it and the colours are right, so that's good.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

User avatar
NelNinja
Posts: 35
Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2019 5:04 pm
Location: Dreamland

Re: Lighting Electric Candles (Rin)

Post by NelNinja » Mon Mar 04, 2019 10:08 pm

I like you sgtpepper, I hope you stay here for a while.

Didn't quite get me to cry but it felt very similar to Going the Distance which did get me to cry, so applause. Stories don't usually hit me deep enough to get tears out of me, so getting me to feel like that is praise worthy from me. :)
I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing
Character Impressions:
Misha>Emi=Hanako=Lilly=Shizune=Rin
I wrote things!
The Sound of Silence - Shizune one-shot
Pilgrimage - A Subversion of Fate - Hisao sans heart attack (On-going)

User avatar
sgtpepper
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 12:09 am
Location: null

Re: Lighting Electric Candles (Rin)

Post by sgtpepper » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:45 pm

NelNinja wrote:
Mon Mar 04, 2019 10:08 pm
I like you sgtpepper, I hope you stay here for a while.

Didn't quite get me to cry but it felt very similar to Going the Distance which did get me to cry, so applause. Stories don't usually hit me deep enough to get tears out of me, so getting me to feel like that is praise worthy from me. :)
Thanks, man. Also, that fanfic broke me.

Post Reply