Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Post Reply
Downix
Posts: 149
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:39 pm

Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

Post by Downix » Wed Jan 16, 2019 1:00 am

Today is an anniversary of sorts for me. Today last year is when I downloaded and began to play Katawa Shoujo.

While people may think of my Rika pseudoroute as my first fanfic, the truth is, I wrote a piece before it, but never shared because I put my effort into Rika. I felt that today it may be a good time as any to share my earlier work.

It began simply, filling in the blanks of Lilly's Good Ending, told from her point of view.

Downix
Posts: 149
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:39 pm

Re: Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

Post by Downix » Wed Jan 16, 2019 1:03 am

As much as it pains me, the course is set. Hisao has made it clear that he realizes that what we had is over. But better to focus on the moment. The darker thoughts will be all I am left with for the long flight ahead. Akira helping to guide me through the terminal, very busy even near midnight, it is rather easy going.

Still, I feel myself not moving forward as quickly as I should, as if something still wanted to stay. But I know it is over. I have nothing here. My family summoned me, so I must go. Fate, it seems, is against me. But no matter how much I try and steel myself, inside I am a storm of emotions.

As ever, Akira handes all of our boarding needs. The diligent older sister looking out for her former care. Old habits die hard. She walks in silence with my hand holding her arm for guidance. What is there for me to say? Part of me was being left behind, but I had my duty to my family.

I cannot let myself think of him, the pain is too much. He let me go when he could have stopped this, and I know why.

I didn’t tell him the truth. I confessed my feelings, even while I knew it was doomed from the start. What kind of a monster am I?

One who deserves to be alone in the end I suppose. This isn’t a fairy tale. There is no white knight who will ride in for the rescue.

Why can’t I let him go? I must focus on right now.

Even Hanako no longer needs me. She can stand on her own two feet. Was I holding her back all this time? Do I only hurt those I care about, treating them like playthings rather than people?

The noise of the concourse, pervasive, yet still made up of smaller noises. A cacophony of unique sounds.

Over there, someone is ordering coffee.

Ahead, two people confessing.

A couple saying goodbye.

Another greeting each other with words of love.

It feels as if I am being mocked, leaving me unable to take comfort in the world around me. Everywhere I listen, I am only reminded of what I have thrown away.

Then there it is, a sound, no a voice, among the white noise of the crowd.

“Lilly”

By reflex, my feet start to slow down to find if I can hear it again, focusing on the noise around me to pick it out.

"Did you… hear something?" Akira chimes in, only to be silenced by my hand.

“I don’t know,” I tell her.

Fleeting, but there it is again, a bit louder, “Lilly,” now clearly a voice among the crowd.

Then not even a breath later, the background noise begins to climb. It’s muddled, hard to make out, too many people talking over each other. I stop to listen carefully, loosening the grip on her arm so I don’t pull her off balance as I do so. Akira stops with me. “Something’s wrong,” I tell her.
Akira pauses a moment and says, “It looks like a crowd is gathering back there.”

Too many people are talking over each other so no matter how hard I try, I cannot differentiate the voices. Then a lone voice speaking loudly and with authority yells “Get the medic, this kid’s hurt.” A flush of ice through my veins, and I lurch towards the din. It takes me a moment to realize that I’d left Akira behind, and I make little mind to her protests.

“Please, no,” I keep whispering to myself as I close in on the gathered noise. “No, not now, please.”

The crowd is difficult to navigate, I find myself bumped a few times, but I keep my balance. I must know. As I get close to the gathered people, someone speaks to me, “Careful miss, there’s some kind of medical emergency here.”

“I think… I think it’s a friend of mine,” I hold out a hand for guidance.

“Oh,” the person says a heartbeat later, I feel a strong hand hold mine, and gently guide me forward. Ahead of me, I could hear the gathered people’s voices now around me. “He is right here. Help is on the way.”

I kneel down, keenly aware of the crowd, the people talking, the sounds of labored breathing by someone directly across from me as they do what I guess to be CPR.

A hand on my shoulder and a gasp, I knew Akira had caught up with me. A grunt, the sound of a bag being set down, then a firm grip before she spoke. “I’ll tell father you couldn’t make it. Don’t worry.” Before I even could reply the hand disappeared. My sister was gone.

She clearly could see who was here, but said nothing. She just left me here. Why?

Because she knew I would stay.

My heartbeat grows louder, my breath short. He said goodbye, we were done.

As I reach out, I find my hand grabbed. “They’re about to use a defibrillator. You have to wait a moment.”

“What is this?” a voice asks. “Never seen a chest scar on someone so young.”

The ice in my veins grows ever colder.

I know who it is, but how, why is he here? Maybe it is a mistake, confusion? We are no more, he made that clear. He can’t be here. He’s safe, at school, alone.

Alone. Like how I am without him.

What am I doing?

“Stand clear.” The odd beep and tones of the device sing out, once, twice, then a heartbeat. An odd, irregular heartbeat.

I know that heartbeat.

Oh no.

“Is it safe to touch him,” I ask, pleading.

“Yes, here, let me help.” The stranger helps guide my hand to the person on the ground’s arm.

Time feels slow as I carefully glide it up their sleeve. Shirt and sweatervest pulled up, neck, chin, but when I get to his face, my heart sinks, confirming what I already know to be true. I know this face, every curve and angle.

“No, no, please god no.” My sightless eyes fill with tears as I grab his hand. “I’m here, I’m here, Hisao. Don’t leave me. Please, don’t. I won’t go anywhere, just stay, please.” I plead with him.

Seconds stretch into eons as I sat there holding his hand. He did what I knew he would, and pushed me away. But now, why is he here?

“What happened?” I ask.

Someone behind me says, “Not sure. This kid was running through the concourse, calling out someone’s name. Someone else wasn’t paying attention and ran into him. And now, this.”

He had to have been running after me. But why?

“How are you here?” I ask the boy lying unaware next to me. “Why aren’t you safe? Why?”

A firm pair of hands on my arms break me out of my near trance as an authoritative voice tells me, “Ma’am, we’ve got him. Are you family?”

I can barely speak, “He’s my boyfriend. Will he be ok?”

The stress in the woman’s voice is clear to pick up on as she speaks. “We don’t know yet. Is there anything you can tell us about him to help? Name?
Any medical issues we need to be aware of?”

It takes a moment to collect my thoughts. “His name is Nakai Hisao. He has an arrhythmia, heart flutters. He had a heart attack last February.”

“Damn. Ok people, we have got to get him to the hospital now,” comes the response. The tension in her voice was clear.

Another voice, likely another paramedic, responds. “His pulse is erratic, but seems to be settling in. Hats off to whomever had the mind to grab that emergency kit. Let’s move him.”

“I’m going with him,” I blurt out, loudly now.

I could almost hear the smile from the EMT. “That I did not doubt. I’ll help guide you. Do you know how to contact his family?”

“His phone is usually in his left sweater pocket. I know the unlock code.”

“Here, we had to take it out to use the kit,” a man’s voice, the one I first picked out from those gathered around, tells me. A moment later I feel the hard plastic in my hand. He had trusted me to know his phones code, and with a few keystrokes the reaffirming chirp of it unlocking comes out. I hand it back to the paramedic.

The medic was very good at guiding me while talking to someone on the phone. My bag feels almost like an afterthought in my hand at this point. After a minute, I feel the phone, still open, pressed into my hand. “His mother wants to talk to you.”

This was not how I wanted to meet her. “Hello, Mrs. Nakai?”

The voice on the other end clearly was full of worry. “Based on the description the medic gave you must be Lilly.”

Description? Did he talk to his parents about me? What did he tell them? And why?

“Yes, yes ma’am.”

His mother then asks “Is there anything you need my dear?”

“No, I’m fine. Just hurry.”

Mrs. Nakai continues, “We should be there in a few hours. My son could not ask for a better caretaker right now. Thank you for being there for him” The line went dead.

Not like I was there for him this last week. Now I have broken my word to my parents. And Hisao…

“The step up is here,” the EMT says as I hear him being rolled into the truck.

The seat is uncomfortable. I do not care.

“How far is the hospital,” I ask.

“We will be there in 6 minutes. Traffic is light this late at night,” the paramedic responds. “Ma’am, what is your name? For the records.”

“Lilly Satou,” I say, focusing on my breathing.

The EMT then goes quiet, seemingly to focus on Hisao, leaving me to my thoughts for a bit.

He came after me.

After me.

I can’t help but put on a little smile at that.

Maybe fate has a strange way of working out after all.

Downix
Posts: 149
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:39 pm

Re: Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

Post by Downix » Wed Jan 16, 2019 1:05 am

Waiting rooms are cold. The smell of disinfectant permeates the air. A dozen machines down the hall all beep to their own rhythm. Voices echo all around me. The calls all have been made, leaving me alone in my thoughts while Hisao was in emergency surgery.

He was at the airport. He was calling to me. He ran after me. Why? Why did he put his life in danger like this?

Because he loves me. Because he was giving me the space this past week that he thought I wanted. Because I did not tell him about the summons. Because I lied to him.

It’s all my fault. I demanded openness from him, yet when I had the biggest decision before me, I hid like a coward. Of course he assumed I had made a decision.

I gave him nothing else to believe.

“Lilly, we got here as soon as we could,” I hear Misha’s voice say as two pair of feet approach quickly. Moments later a pair of arms wrap themselves around me.

How did they know I was here?

Before I can ask, the walls I was keeping up finally break down.

“It’s all my fault,” is all I can mutter as my eyes begin to water once more.

My hand is then grabbed, and another put in it, the fine hand of Shizune. I almost feel a smile come to my lips for a moment as I feel her say “<Blaming yourself won’t help him.>” in the palm of my hand. A brief pause before she continues, “<You look terrible, let’s clean you up.>”

A moment later and her hands with what I think is a napkin are there wiping away my tears. All the while, Misha’s arms are locked around me as if she were afraid I would vanish if she let go.

“I talked to Hisao’s mother and they are on their way,” speaking finally forcing Misha to let go in order to sign to Shizune, which is good. I am a fan of breathing after all. “Thank you both for being here.” I hold each of their hands, reassuring me as much as them.

Time passes in silence, with both of them leaning on me. I don’t even know what time it is, but it has to be hours past dawn by now. That they are here means they are exhausted. I know I am. The gentle breathing from Misha tells me that she has already fallen asleep on my arm. It’s been over a year since that’s happened. Late nights at the student council, and the girl who was crushing on my cousin falling asleep on my shoulder after dealing with the mountains of work we faced.

After awhile, I begin to sign to Shizune. “<I know we’ve…>”

She pushes her hand into mine, interrupting me. “<Shut up. Forget everything else. We’re cousins who love each other and are here to support each other. That’s what families do.>”

That’s what families do.

Why was I getting on that plane? Why was I leaving? I kept telling myself it was for my family, but how does that support anyone? Do I even know what families are anymore?

And what about my parents? Why did they ask me to leave everything behind?

She seems to stiffen before saying anything more. “<I think his parents just arrived,>” comes the message.

I can clearly hear the voices of a man and woman at the desk across the way. I had been so focused on Shizune, I’d tuned out my own hearing in order to concentrate.

“<How do you know?>” I ask.

“<The man is wearing the same stupid sweater vest that Hisao has. Does anyone in his family have any fashion sense?>”

I can not help but let out a little chuckle. As I hear the sounds of feet approaching, I stand up and turn generally to face it. Misha gives out a little cry as her pillow vanishes out from under her. I can feel Shizune standing up with me.

“Mister and Misses Nakai?”

“You must be Lilly whom my Hicchan has told us so much about,” comes the woman’s voice I’d heard over the phone earlier. “And please, I am Aira, and this is my husband Senzo.”

“Yes, and this is my cousin, Hakamishi Shizune and our dear friend Mikado Shiina.” I could feel Shizune’s bow next to me.

“Just call me Misha,” pipped up the still bubbly voice bogged down with exhaustion next to me.

“Please, let’s sit,” came the man’s voice I’d picked up earlier. “The doctors say that the surgery is almost completed. They also told us that due to you knowing of his condition, they could get treatment started quickly. Thank you for my son’s life.”

The facade is weak, but holding. Inside me, a typhoon of emotions, but I cannot let them show.

“What surgery does he need?” I ask.

“A temporary pacemaker so I understand,” comes Aira. “The doctors think he was hit in the chest rather hard to cause this.”

“It’s all my fault. He was there to see me off at the airport,” I lie slightly, not wanting to reveal our falling out at this moment.

“The doctor mentioned an airport. Did you miss your flight?” Senzo inquires.

“It does not matter. My parents will understand.” No, they won’t.

“Oh, I am sorry dear,” Aira tries to comfort.

I almost feel a smile for a moment. “I did not want to go anyways. I think he was going to try and talk me out of going. He would have succeeded.”

“I guess he did succeed… oh,” comes Misha.

I could feel the glare from Shizune. I know her too well. But if it was to me or Misha, I can not tell. We both certainly deserve it.

Then the awkward silence. Aira finally breaks the ice. “So, how did you meet my Hicchan?”

Misha pipes up automatically. “I, I mean Shichan, am his class representative. Misha and I helped him become used to his new school.” Silently I thank my cousin for going first.

A deep breath before I begin. “He wandered into the room I often have lunch in, having gotten lost while looking for the library. I almost made him miss getting there before it closed while we sat and talked.”

“Well, I am grateful that he found such good friends,” Aira replied.

Small talk, things to keep our minds focused anywhere but this moment. They are as scared as I am. Better to talk about nothing than focus on the seconds which pass.

...

Hours later, and nothing of note. When I hear the footsteps approaching, I turn my head in their direction.

An authoritative voice begin to talk. “Mister and Misses Nakai? Your son’s now in recovery. The anesthetic will make him groggy for awhile, and likely he will not regain full awareness for a day or two most likely.”

“Can we see him?” Senzo’s voice tells me he is standing up now.

“Of course, let me take you to his room. He should be brought there shortly.”

I sigh, he will be ok.

“Lilly, aren’t you coming?” Aira’s question takes me by surprise.

“I don’t...”

I feel the hand on my arm.

Her voice is soft, “Please, come.”

Misha chimed in. “Don’t worry about us. We’ll wait here. Hideaki began preparing the guest room after Akiracalled.”

I stop, and turn to face Misha’s direction. “Akira? I thought she left for…”

“She told us what happened before picking us up. How else do you think we knew to find you here?” Misha’s voice is a bit more flat than normal, likely because she’s tired.

“That… makes sense,” I say, not able to hide my own exhaustion either.

Then a pause in movement, and the person holding my arm turns in my direction.

Aira says. “Lilly, how long have you been up now?”

“What time is it?”

Senzo responds with “Just past 2 in the afternoon.”

I sigh. “A bit over 23 hours. I’d been adjusting to the time difference ahead of the flight.”

Aira gasps. “You need to rest. We’ll be here, you go and get some sleep.

I feel Shizune’s hand replace Aira’s on my arm. Misha’s voice behind me pipes up with “Don’t worry Mr. and Mrs. Nakai! We’ll take care of her.”

Downix
Posts: 149
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:39 pm

Re: Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

Post by Downix » Wed Jan 16, 2019 1:07 am

“There you are,” my uncle’s voice affirms where I am as I walk into the main room after waking up.

I poise myself before responding. “Good morning, Uncle Jigoro.”

I can hear him move through the room, that shirt of his making a very unusual sound as he moves. “You have been asleep for nearly fourteen hours.” Then his voice becomes a bit softer as he stops in front of me. “How are you?”

“I cannot complain, thank you again for letting me stay,” I tell him.

“Silly girl, I asked how you are, not fishing for gratitude,” he says, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Come, I’ll make you something to eat.”

I know how he behaves to his children, and to Akira, but he has always been softer with me. I wonder at times if that is part of why Shizune and I have our problems.

I wait, sitting at their table. Listening, I don’t hear anyone else, only my uncle in the kitchen. After a few minutes he returns and sets down a plate, just touching my fingertips so I know where it is.

“Your boyfriends parents have already dropped by. I hope he is as polite as they are,” he says, an amused tone in his voice. “Once you’re ready I will be taking you and Shizune back to the hospital.”

“Thank you,” I say.

He guffaws. “There you go again. So much like Mayoi.”

For a moment, I consider my words to him. “I know you miss her.”

He chuckles. “She’ll be home soon enough. I can only hope for all of you to have what we have. So, tell me about this boy.”

I compose myself. “When I met him, he was likely at the lowest point in his life…”

“I said to tell me about him,” Jigoro says. “I’ll read his biography when he publishes it. Is he ambitious? Does he like poetry? Tell me about him.”

“He is kind, a bit naive, and more than a little reckless. This is not the first episode for him. He also is curious, and so patient with Hanako,” I say, feeling the smile cross my face.

He chuckles. “Well, he seems suitable to you. I must admit, if Shizune brought home a boy like that, I don’t think he would enjoy the experience.”

I chuckle. “She would eat him alive.”

After a sigh, he then says “I don’t understand your father.”

“He means well,” I suggest.

“He may have, but for whom?” His question resonates in the room. “But, that fight is between the two of us. I just want to see you happy, and I don’t think you would be happy with what Hiroyuki was planning.”

“And what was he planning?” I ask as I finish the food in front of me.

“I don’t know, but the way he is, it would not surprise me if he was planning something.” I hear the plate being picked up. A few moments later, my uncle returns to the room.

“I’ll go get Shizune and that pink one,” Jigoro says, a slight note of amusement in his voice.



Sitting in the back of the car with Shizune is an odd experience. For some reason, Misha is in the front seat, talking with Jigoro. He always seems to tolerate her odd at times behavior, even as their conversation keeps becoming ever louder.

When my hand is taken, and Shizune begins speaking to me through it, I find myself a bit surprised.

“<What is on your mind,>” She asks.

It takes me a moment to shift my thoughts. “<Something your father and I talked about.>”

“<We should be at the hospital soon. You will be with your boyfriend soon enough.>”

One thought keeps crossing my mind. If I’d been more honest, then I’d not be here right now. And he’d not… he’d be…

I sign to her, “<He’s there because of me.>”

“<Stop it. Lilly, you are as ever stubborn to the last,>” comes the response.

That was certainly not what I was expecting from her.

“<You two are both so thick in the head, it’s amazing that you ever managed to start dating in the first place,>” she signs to me. “<He is there because you let him go.>”

I sign back, “<But, he is the one who broke up with me.>”

Shizune signs, “<That boy loves you. He would do anything to make you happy, even let you go if that is your wish. And you made him believe that was your wish.>”

Shizune continues, “<What is wrong with you? We all want someone who cares for us that much. You have it, right here. You are a foolish woman who is going to throw away her life, and for what? To satisfy parents you haven’t seen since you were twelve? Did you even bother to ask why they summoned you in the first place? I know you didn’t, because I know you. What kind of future were they planning for you?>”

I stop, not entirely certain how to respond.

After a huff, she then signs out, “<Lucky for us, your boyfriend is even more stubborn than you.>”

Lucky? How is this lucky? I only feel ashamed. Now I could lose everything, Hisao, my parents, even Akira. What am I doing?

“<What about my parents?>” I ask.

“<I don’t know. But I’m here for you whatever you decide. Just, whatever you decide, take him with you. I couldn’t stand the two of you last week moping around.>” With me not responding, Shizune pauses, then says, “<You make me jealous, you know. Always so pretty and polite. And people still respect you.>”

I sign back, “<No, I’m the jealous one. You always know what you want, and you go out and get it no matter what.”

I feel her laugh for a moment before she responds. “<I didn’t get Hisao now, did I? No. You did. Now what are you willing to do to keep him?>”

I run my hand then over the music box, that precious gift from Hisao before replying. “<Whatever it takes.>”

Downix
Posts: 149
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:39 pm

Re: Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

Post by Downix » Wed Jan 16, 2019 1:09 am

Like many hospitals, this one holds a small chapel. I find myself visiting it the second day, after leaving the music box in Hisao’s room. I don’t know why, but I have to sit with my thoughts.

The doctors said he would regain awareness today, but it is harrowing to wait.

No, I do know why. I whisper to the empty space “I know I don’t deserve this, but please, let me make it up to him. Please, don’t take him away from me.”

Silence is the only response.

How can it be anything else?

I know it is too much to hope for, but I have to.

And now I sit here, having first thrown away my family at Yamaku, then my family in Scotland, alone in an empty room praying for a boy who has every reason to hate me.

“Am I interrupting,” inquires a woman’s voice behind me.

“Oh, no, I am just...”

“My child, do not get up on my account,” comes the voice, approaching the front of the chapel. I can hear her settling in to a pew across the aisle from me. “None come here without cause, without worry. That is why I am here, to listen and guide. So, tell me, why then are you here? What troubles do you bear”

Before thinking, I start, “I...” Deep breath, this is a stranger, but I need to talk. “I was to fly to my parents. Hisao followed me to the airport, and suffered a heart attack.”

“Your husband or boyfriend?”

Husband, the very word made my heart flutter. I could feel my cheeks turning red. “We were dating, but broke up due to my families summons.”

“Did you want to break up?”

“No,” I reply even without thinking. A moment to collect my breath before I continued. “But the distance would have been too great. It was easier.”
I can hear the woman changing her position on the pew across the aisle. “A long distance I take it?”

“My family is in Scotland.”

“A very long distance. Why did they summon you?”

I sigh, considering my words. “I have lived away from my parents for 6 years, most of the time with my older sister. But my sister’s career is now requiring her to relocate there.”

“You avoid the question. Why did they summon you. Not your sister, you,” the woman says. “Do you have nobody here without her? You have this boy, is he the only one you have?”

Without hesitation I answer. “Hanako is there for me. My cousins are always there, even when I fight with them. Even my uncle.”

A knowing grunt from the other pew meets my ears. “And if you did not answer the summons?”

The question hangs in the air between us.

A few heartbeats later, she speaks again. “As I thought. My child, when you reach my age you learn that regret is a bitter pill to swallow, and I hear a lot of regret in your voice. Your family would want you to be happy. Don’t let regret steal away what joy you find in life.”

I sigh, feeling foolish.

“That is not the only distance between the two of you, is it?”

“This was not his first heart attack. He refuses to let anyone care for him, to worry about him. When I do, he pushes me away. But worry is all I can do now.” I just pour out my heart to this stranger.

A slight chuckle greets my ears. “Mana, pride. One of the five poisons which afflict all who hold on to it. He will need to let that go in order to restore balance. Healing the body is trivial compared to healing the heart.” I can hear her stand up, then a familiar tap-tap sound as she walked past the pew to the front of the chapel.

“And what if you simply ignored his attempts to push you away?” She asks.

I answer in a quieter voice. “I respect his limits.”

“It seems you have your own poison to let go, Dosa, Aversion. You refuse to push him, in a misguided attempt to avoid conflict. You accept your parents command despite the pain it brings, again to avoid conflict. Life is conflict, it is struggle, and it is pain. And it is by addressing these that we can overcome what flaws we have. Do not be afraid to embrace him, even as he pushes you away. Avoiding that conflict will only make the cycle repeat.”

Those words hit me a bit harder. Considering, I look back a moment. I avoid conflict, with him, with my parents, no, with everyone. Even my fights with my own cousin are due to me avoiding conflict, aren’t they?

Her voice once more pierces the quiet. “One last question; did your Hisao survive his heart attack?”

“Y-yes, he’s recovering from surgery.”

“Then why are you in here? So long as you both live, any mistakes can be forgiven so long as you have each other. You are not here to mourn the dead. Go and enjoy the living.”

To myself, I can not help but smile as I stand and walk out of the chapel. Hisao is alive, and even if he is angry at me, I can do my best to make it up to him.

As I return to the room, the gentle tune of the music box enters my hearing, bringing me a small smile. I focus on it, only to then be interrupted by the voice I’d been truly hoping for.

“L-lilly?”

User avatar
Scroff
Posts: 76
Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2018 1:17 pm

Re: Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

Post by Scroff » Wed Jan 16, 2019 9:02 am

Your first fanfic :shock: Orders of magnitude better than my first!
Downix wrote:
Wed Jan 16, 2019 1:03 am
I didn’t tell him the truth. I confessed my feelings, even while I knew it was doomed from the start. What kind of a monster am I?

One who deserves to be alone in the end I suppose.
I thought it was a shame that she didn't explore why she confessed, given her state of mind she would have had a harsh judgement on her actions. That could set the scene for further revelations in the chapel, I reckon you could argue that she exhibits 3 of the 5 poisons to some degree, and a significant amount of character growth.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5830
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jan 16, 2019 1:44 pm

Well, let's just say, you have improved a lot as a writer since then :-)
That's not to say it's a bad story. Leaving aside the grammar issues - no need to go over them for a year-old story - most of it is quite okay. You managed to paint Lilly - and even Jigoro - in a positive light without laying it on too thinkly, which in itself is no mean feat.
The biggest problem I had was with the last part in the chapel. I'm not at all convinced many Japanese hospitals have one at all, but also the dialogue in that scene felt unnatural. Lilly just assumed the nun (?) knew all about her past dropping names without explanations, and the nun, without knowing anything about her situation, asks just the right questions to lead the conversation where you want it to go.
And the last part reads as if she was saying you should only go to church to mourn dead people, when at the start of the conversation she was saying almost the exact opposite.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Downix
Posts: 149
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:39 pm

Re: Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

Post by Downix » Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:38 am

I did actually check, and most hospitals in Japan do have at least a small shrine.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5830
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Lies and Consequences - Lilly Good Ending Epilogue Of Sorts

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jan 17, 2019 1:50 pm

A shrine yes, but a chapel?
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Post Reply