Respice Adspice Prospice - A Misaki Kawana Pseudo Route

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Feurox
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Re: Respice Adspice Prospice - A Misaki Kawana Pseudo Route

Post by Feurox » Mon May 13, 2019 1:09 pm

I really like where this is heading. Although, I'd have to agree with Oddball's concerns that Misaki's politeness bordered on the robotic. In fact, I actually found myself concerned that Hisao was echoing that formality. Whilst for the most part, Hisao and Misaki's conversations resembled a conversation between the formal, and the inoffensive (Inoffensive being the best word I can think of currently to describe Hisao's 'I want you to like me' attitude/way of speaking), I did find sometimes that the language became stilted.

There are a few mistakes that you might want to correct, but they only stand out because your writing is so sound. Here's my favourite:
Ikuno, walking on my giggles.
That's quite a talent.


Also, the last years horror-house thing... I mean that's pretty disturbed. I highly doubt Yamaku would let something esculate to that level without significant oversight, especially considering that Shizune and Misha would have likely have been on the case. Also... It doesn't really make Misaki come across as endearing or quirky. It makes her seem unhinged. That's just how it comes across to me anyway, since neither Mirage nor Oddball mentioned it, I may be just being pedantic.

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Beeronious
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Re: Respice Adspice Prospice - A Misaki Kawana Pseudo Route

Post by Beeronious » Mon May 13, 2019 5:40 pm

Oddball wrote:
Fri May 10, 2019 12:01 am
For the most part, I love how you handled the cast.
Except for Miki. Big Sexy? Snoozu? Gaylord? I pretty much hate your Miki.
Not gonna lie Oddball. I thought of you and Mirage when I came up wrote for Miki. Next time I’ll have her speak entirely in 2015 memes.
Oddball wrote:
Fri May 10, 2019 12:01 am
I enjoyed the scene where Misaki and Hisao were sharing their conditions and Ikuno started to say hers without realizing she had already told both of them before. That was cute.
Big thanks! I was really worried that scene would come across as kind of cringey. I’m glad to see it worked as intended.
Oddball wrote:
Fri May 10, 2019 12:01 am
Now Misaki's politeness and cultured way of speaking does provide a nice change of pace from most of the other girls, but there are a few times I feel you start to over do it and make her feel almost robotic. Remember that just because she's reserved and proper doesn't mean she's not human.
Feurox wrote:
Mon May 13, 2019 1:09 pm
I'd have to agree with Oddball's concerns that Misaki's politeness bordered on the robotic. In fact, I actually found myself concerned that Hisao was echoing that formality. Whilst for the most part, Hisao and Misaki's conversations resembled a conversation between the formal, and the inoffensive (Inoffensive being the best word I can think of currently to describe Hisao's 'I want you to like me' attitude/way of speaking), I did find sometimes that the language became stilted.
Yeah. This is a part I’ll admit to struggling with. Very quick explanation (which I have no intention of playing off as an excuse). The implication of Misaki’s speech is that she’s speaking in keigo, so I am trying to go for a somewhat archaic and formal way of speaking. But yeah at times I worry I may be going overboard. Especially with Hisao responding in kind. While I think it is natural for somebody in a conversation to acclimate to the “formality level” again I guess I’m at a 10 and I need to go down to a 7. If Hisao is coming across as “please like me” I am clearly conveying something wrong. I’m in the (slow) process of revising what’s here as well as working on the next couple of chapters. I hope I can start getting the levels right with this aspect.

Oddball wrote:
Fri May 10, 2019 12:01 am
I also really like your take on Kenji. He's suitable over the top enough, but there's just enough logic in what he says that makes you think somebody could actually believe it if they look at it from the right angle and squint a little bit.
Oddball. When I saw this comment, it made my day and means quite a bit. I’m going to say something controversial now. I don’t like Kenji. I find his sections of the game obnoxious at times. I was not confident at all in writing his part of that chapter. But I felt Kenji had to at least appear and be acknowledged as existing. So I am so happy it came across well.
Feurox wrote:
Mon May 13, 2019 1:09 pm
That's quite a talent.
God dammit Feurox! You caught on to my foreshadowing way too fast. I was planning on having it revealed (spoiler) in Act 4 that Ikuno was actually the Shining Magical Girl Ikuiku and that Misaki and Hisao would have to come to terms with becoming magical girls.
Feurox wrote:
Mon May 13, 2019 1:09 pm
Also, the last years horror-house thing... I mean that's pretty disturbed.
Big, big thanks for bringing this up. That whole section was something I planned on cutting, but downright forgot about. It does not suit Misaki, nor the tone of the overall story at all. I’m gonna go and nuke it from its post. Although you got me thinking about it again, I may make use of it in a manner that is more fitting.


Thanks for the comments. I have next to zero formal writing experience. I have been out of anything resembling an educational institution for over a decade. I'm aware that my biggest weakness is "formal writing" skills. Anything that can help makes this story more enjoyable and better means quite a lot.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Respice Adspice Prospice - A Misaki Kawana Pseudo Route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue May 14, 2019 9:23 am

Feurox wrote:
Mon May 13, 2019 1:09 pm
Also, the last years horror-house thing... I mean that's pretty disturbed. I highly doubt Yamaku would let something esculate to that level without significant oversight, especially considering that Shizune and Misha would have likely have been on the case. Also... It doesn't really make Misaki come across as endearing or quirky. It makes her seem unhinged. That's just how it comes across to me anyway, since neither Mirage nor Oddball mentioned it, I may be just being pedantic.
I probably would have mentioned the horror house thing if I hadn't forgotten about it by the time I finished reading. I think I read this story over several days because of its length...
As for Misaki speaking Keigo - that is something that was very much recognizable if you are familiar with the Japanese langauage. To the point that it didn't even register as unusual to me. I can see how it will feel stilted to people unfamiliar with the language, though.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
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