Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-8 added 11-29-2019

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-7 added 11-12-2019

Post by Feurox » Fri Nov 15, 2019 6:54 am

I'm afraid I have to concur with Mirage here, the grammar and phrasing in this update was pretty sub-par, and detracted from the immersion and flow of the narrative. Anyway, for what you do have, I'd say the friendship is progressing naturally and it's often charming. So there's plenty to enjoy and like.

Where I'll express my concern is in the lack of direction the story seems to have at times. Your OC does things, and gives rather poor explanations for why. It's quite realistic in some aspects, we do just do things for no reason a lot, but it's not exactly compelling. I think most of that comes from your tendency to tell rather than show.

Overall, this is a pleasant read and at times very charming.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-8 added 11-29-2019

Post by Razoredge » Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:07 pm


This is not just another Sunday morning, but the festival as well. I'm super excited about this day, but it could have been better because my parents won't come today. Mom called me yesterday, and she was so sorry for not being able to come with Dad because they're sick. They should stay at home, I don't want them to get even sicker.

It's only nine o'clock, but there's a lot of agitation outside. The festival is well-known here, and there's always a lot of local people coming for the festivities and for the stuff sold there on this very day. I eat some cookies to wake me up, but it won't be nourishing at all. I should take a meal at a stall, however, I can't make up my mind on what I would choose right now.

I take my wallet, and I leave my bedroom, but right after I close my door, someone bumps into me. In front of me, there's a girl with red earrings smiling at me, as if nothing happened. I puff my cheeks disapprovingly, which makes her laugh a lot.

" Saki, dear, could you let me know when you want to bump into me, please?" I let out before laughing a bit as well.

" I'm sorry sweetie, I've been dying to see you. And now that I'm free, we can spend all our time together." Saki beams at me.

" It's only half-past nine, you have already finished your work?" I marvel with a whistle of admiration.

" Seeing my best friend is one of the things which helps me to do a lot of work as fast as I can." She adds, proud of herself.

" Dear, what did I already tell you about working too fast?" This time, I switch to my protective role, even if what she did for me was cute.

" But... You never told me not to do this kind of thing for you." She looks at me with her puppy eyes, which is really cute, and I kiss her on the forehead, as a confirmation that I'm not mad at her.

I take her hand, and we leave the dorm, trying to make our way through the crowd consisting of students, their parents, and local people. We take our time because the crowd is really dense, and I don't want to lose Saki. Some animations draw our attention, and I have to say, they manage to occupy us for almost an hour. The first-years did a little musical show, which was really cute, and well made. The PSA system turns on, and the principal makes an announcement, but I'm not even listening.

Before lunchtime, we go around the school to see every little animation or stall, to kill some time. Also, Saki wants to show me one of her class’ stands, that sells some food. I should admit that this stall interests me, especially for its ramen soups.

It's not lunchtime yet, but I'm still hungry, and now, I have my eyes on the food. I take a ramen soup for me and a bowl of miso soup for Saki. The food is pretty cheap, but I know they put their heart making these meals. She says she will get my money back, but I don't do anything like that to get some money back.

We find a bench, and Saki sits down quickly as I sit down on the top of it, as usual. I invariably sit down on the top with my feet on the seat, it may feel weird, but I've always done that. My soup is a little cold, but it's good enough to ignore that fact. As we drink, we stay quiet, looking at this dense crowd moving in every way. I look upon Saki, who seems to enjoy almost anything, even a bowl of soup. When our bowls are empty, we go back to her class’ stall, to bring them back.

Now, I know what I'll do, I will enjoy spending my time with Saki, but someone is missing. Even if Lilly wants to help her classmates, she deserves to enjoy the festival too. I ask Saki if she knows where her stand is, but she doesn't know. Luckily, a student points us in the right direction. With these instructions, we find her stall with ease, and I call her to draw her attention. She seems to be really happy to hear my voice, but I won't walk past the queue, I just have to wait patiently.

She's very busy, and I'm sure it'll be a relief for her to do something else than working. It is a bit selfish, but I want to spend time with her, of course, but also allow her to have a good time instead of working for other people. It's finally my turn, and she quickly drops her waitress facade as soon as I start talking with her.

" I admire you, you know. To be honest, I achieve to mix things up in my own bedroom." I laugh, just like Lilly.

" Some things were mixed up among the line, and we try to fix it right now. Saki is with you if I'm not mistaken, isn't it?" She smiles as soon as I answer positively. " Have you seen Hanako today? I'm a bit worried, usually, she stays with me during the festival."

" Not today, but we can try to find her together if you want. It will allow you to take a break, you deserved it."

She's doubtful, I can see it on her face, which I understand because it seems that she doesn't want to leave her classmates alone. She puts her heart into this work, but thankfully, a student comes to my rescue.

" You worked enough to allow us to deal with the flow of people, and you've earned yourself a break." His tone is calm but a bit serious.

She puffs her cheeks, trying to resist, but she already knows that it's useless, and she gives up after only a minute of negotiations. She finally leaves her stall, taking her cane on the way. She also asks me if I looked for her at the library. My palm meets my face, how comes I didn’t think about looking for her there?

It doesn't take us so much time to reach the library, because the crowd becomes less dense as we approach the main building. I could have ignored Hanako, but she's Lilly's best friend, and if I want Lilly to enjoy the festival as much as I wish, Hanako must be with us. Even if she's the shyest girl I've ever seen in my life, I must admit I like her, even though I don't know how to behave with her sometimes.

As she hears Lilly's voice, she indicates her friend where she is. She was in the corner of the library, reading a book quietly, although the library is empty. Saki points out that this kind of behavior is common with her, which isn't surprising for a shy girl. When she sees me, she blushes a bit, but she remembers that Lilly is here, and it soothes her.

" Lilly... Aren't you supposed to help your classmates at your stall...?" Hanako asks, with a bit of surprise.

" Kaori told me to take a break, and we thought that, maybe, you can spend your time with us." Lilly chuckles.

" Also, we might watch the fireworks together," Saki adds, which is a great idea.

Our little group visits each stall, and the variety of products sold here is astonishing. This ranges from food to little handcrafted products, and everything finds a buyer.

A stall sells cookies, and I buy cookies for everyone, without worrying about how much it cost. I'm not a rich student, but I don't calculate everything when I'm with my friends. I just want to please them, with no ulterior motive. The afternoon takes its course, and Saki finds a game stall, where a few first-years are playing. She looks at me with a playful smile, as if she was able to read my mind. And she's right, I really want to play these games, just like she does.

" Well, there's still time before the fireworks begin, so we could play some games together." I grin, as Lilly laughs when she hears me.

" Playing games with Hanako, are you sure about that? She'll do whatever she can to win, you know?" Lilly jokes as Hanako starts to blush again.

" It will add some challenge, I like that."

Hanako proposes us to start with a game of Daruma Otoshi, which is a game consisting of hitting a ring with a mallet. We have to hit each ring with the hammer, from the bottom to the top, without touching the others. The game is over when the head of the figure is the only remaining piece. This is an entertaining skill game I used to play with my father when I was a child.

We have to hit each ring in turns, and I begin to play, hitting the first ring carefully. Saki and Hanako hit their ring with ease, but when it's my turn again, everything falls down. Hanako laughs cutely, and she starts another game with Saki. Of course, I'm supporting my best friend while Lilly supports hers, but Saki makes the same error I did a few minutes before.

Then, Hanako tells Lilly that some paper sheets are reserved for origami, which makes her smile. I'm always fascinated by people who can do beautiful things with only a sheet of paper. She folds the paper with a dexterity I've never seen before, and this sheet of paper slowly becomes a flower. We stay quiet as she finishes her origami, folding a few more little flowers. Lilly gives a flower to each of us, as a kind of a little gift. I keep mine in my hand because it's useless to go back to the dorm just to put it on my desk.

The afternoon goes on peacefully, and when night falls, we are hungry, and we head for a food stall. We all take a bowl of soup, and we sit down on the grass to eat our dinner. As usual, I'm done eating before everyone else, and I lay down as Saki strokes my hair gently. Hanako is kind enough to bring our bowls back, and for an entire hour, we talk about our festival projects for the coming months. Saki and I planned to enjoy Tanabata together, but it would be better to enjoy it as a group.

The first whistle of the fireworks surprises me, as everything was quiet a few seconds before. Saki is lying next to me in the grass, putting her head on my chest, as I stroke her hair. Everyone is enthusiastic around us, as the sky is colored with shades of green, gold, or even red. Our festival's fireworks are well-known in the region, and it seems it gets even better every year.

Lilly, with her eyes shut, listens religiously as Hanako is amazed by all the colors and different shapes. I never had seen Hanako as happy as she is right now, even when we helped Lilly together. This year's fireworks are much longer than the previous one, but the grand final comes too quickly for my liking.

A great variety of colors and shapes lights up the sky in an infernal racket, but that seems worthwhile. Everyone in the crowd is in awe, such as me, because this year's festival was an unqualified success. Saki sighs, as this day is finally ending.

" That was our last festival together, unfortunately." She's sad because we all know that our university studies will prevent us from spending a lot of time together.

" The year isn't over, sweetie, there are a few festivals to enjoy together until we go to the university." I beam, fondling her cheek.

" Especially Tanabata," Lilly adds, " I really like to go there with Hanako and my sister, you should come with us." she offers, with a smile.

Saki gets back on her feet first, and I do the same, cracking my bones in the process. I wince in pain, I hate when my backbone cracks like that without no apparent reason. However, her offer was so kind, how could I refuse?

" It would be my pleasure Lilly, I'm sure Saki is happy too." Saki sticks her tongue out at me, agreeing to what I said a few seconds before. " Still, if my parents were there today, it would have been better." I'm a bit sad, I can't hide that fact.

" Sometimes, it's hard to look on the bright side of things, but I'm sure you'll see them soon," Lilly says with a motherly but kind tone, smiling at me with her eyes shut.

" As long as I am with my friends, who are a part of my family, I'm fine." I can't lie when I say something like that, and Lilly, when she hears my words, remains silent, keeping her beaming smile.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route, Razor's One Shots & misc. & Sakura Blossom

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-8 added 11-29-2019

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Dec 01, 2019 10:43 am

It looks as if you rewrote the chapter a couple of times. Some passages read as if there are passages missing:
" I admire you, you know. To be honest, I achieve to mix things up in my own bedroom." I laugh, just like Lilly.
That's a strange greeting. She doesn't even kn ow about the mix-up at the stand yet.
She also asks me if I looked for her at the library.
How? She hasn't left Lilly's side since she asked her to look for Hanako in the first place.
As she hears Lilly's voice, she indicates her friend where she is.
This sentence is missing a word or two to make sense.
"Kaori told me to take a break, and we thought that, maybe, you can spend your time with us." Lilly chuckles.
It was a boy who told her to take a break.
As usual, I'm done eating before everyone else, and I lay down as Saki strokes my hair gently.
Saki is lying next to me in the grass, putting her head on my chest, as I stroke her hair.
Some switching up must have happened in between those lines...

If you've made multiple changes it's best to read the whole chapter once more when you are done. Possibly out loud. Or get someone else to read it instead to notice inconsistencies like those.

Also Hanako strangely has no problems at all walking over the festival with a group of friends. Seems completely out of character for her...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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