Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - I-7 added 04-21-2019

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - I-5 added 03-20-2019

Post by Razoredge » Wed Mar 20, 2019 5:05 am

Steel Strings

Last night, I slept a few hours longer than I used to. It happens sometimes. Especially if I'm tired. I needed it.

I swim longer on Sundays. I learned something interesting. One of my swimming mates warned me about a little tournament. I have a whole month to train myself.

In this school, swimming tournaments are less significant than athletics tournaments. But not for me. I'm still present at the races. During the athletics tournaments, there's always a struggle between two girls. A little girl with prosthetic legs, and a taller one who's missing a hand. I always cheer the taller one on.

On the diving board, I take a deep breath, and I dive. The water is lukewarm today, it's enjoyable. As a warm-up, I swim a few laps. Every two-quarters of a lap, I swim under water. It's a good exercise, especially while holding your breath.

A few minutes later, I can begin the real training. Today will be endurance training. I won’t swim too fast, but for a long time. Some students are swimming in groups. Sometimes, I swim in groups, but most of the time, I do it alone. It depends on my state of mind.

For this tournament, I'll diversify my training. I must be at my best. I don't expect to win. But for my own satisfaction, I must work a lot. I swim slowly, trying to swim a lot of laps. To increase my stamina, I try to swim a lot longer underwater.

However, sometimes, I'm afraid to lose my breath. I need to be very careful with my heart. Having a heart attack is my worst fear. I already had one, and it was the worst pain I've ever felt. Now, when I'm losing breath, I'm terrified.

Half an hour later, I begin to tire myself. But I can do a few laps more. I just have to swim slower. For me, I did a decent training today.

I deserve a warm shower. Warm water is like a cocoon. Occasionally, I surprise myself by dozing in the shower, because it relaxes me so much.

I have a whole free afternoon. I could spend time with Saki. I never get bored with her. But for now, I need to eat something. I already know what I want to eat. Some pork with rice. I rush towards the refectory. Luckily, I don't have to wait too much.

When it's my turn, I take pork and rice. I see an empty table, and I take place. I eat quickly today. I should take my time, but never mind. Most of the time, I take twenty minutes to eat. But sometimes, I eat much faster. I know it's not good for me, but I can't help it.

In a few minutes, there's no rice left in my bowl. The pork is well-cooked, I love it. I think I'm not a picky eater, but there are some things I can't eat at all.

After a good meal, I go back to my room. On the way, I turn things over in my head about clothing. In my room, I put a grey checkered shirt on with a black jean. Nothing fancy, but I love this kind of clothes. I take my white sneakers, and I'm ready.

Thankfully, today is a sunny day. Pleasant weather for a stroll. Outside, some students leave school with friends, maybe for a walk too. The hall is lively. For some people, Sunday is a day off, but we do a lot of things on Sunday. I proceed in the hall, to reach Saki's room.

Knocking at the door, I hope she's in her room. I hit once, no answer. I try a second time, harder this time, and finally, she opens the door. It must be Saki. Who else could it be? Nevertheless, I recognize her smell. The way she hugs me is a good hint too.

She seems to be really happy to see me, just like me. She's always like that when I'm around. She brightens up my life since the day I met her.

"Hi, Saki. The weather is really nice today, so, I wondered if you'd like to go for a stroll with me."

"Sure. I'm always ready to go somewhere with you. Come on in, I just need to change my clothes."

Saki's room has plain decoration. Plain but beautiful. A few objects are placed in a line on a shelf.

I see one of the figurines I bought her before the holidays. A figurine from one of her favorite anime. She always keeps religiously everything I give her. When she changes her clothes, I wonder where we can go. I have no idea, I just want to spend time with my best friend.

"You know what do you want to do?" She asks me while putting a cute red dress on.

"Not really. We could go to the city. Or whatever you want." I answer her. Sometimes, it's better to let her decides for us.

"Fine, let's go to the city."

She's adorable in her dress. Saki has a good taste for clothings. Occasionally, she gives me tips to choose my clothes. And she has never made a wrong move.

We leave the dorm and the school. The birds are singing like on a summer day. The weather is really nice today. On the way, she tells me some things about her class. How things are going, the amount of work to do. Typical students stuff.

"Oh, I forgot. We have a little swimming tournament in a month." It seems to interest her. She likes to cheer me on while I'm swimming in a tournament.

"I'm sure you'll be great." She says, with a kind smile.

"I don't expect to win, but if it happens, I'll be thrilled." I never expect to win a tournament.

When we reach the city, we roam. But I notice, out the corner of my eye, a little music shop. I take her by the hand, and we go inside. There's a lot of musical instruments. From violins to guitars via winds instruments. For me, it's a little heaven.

The shopkeeper notices that I'm really interested in his articles. An electric guitar draws my attention, and I ask if I can to try it. He accepts. Then, I connect this little beauty to an amp, and I make some fine-tuning. I already know what I want to play. One Rode To Asa Bay from Bathory, one of my favorite bands.

As I start to play, Saki takes a seat, in front of me. Instantly, she seems to be fascinated. I never played guitar for her. It's a long song, about nine to ten minutes. Fortunately, I can sing while playing. It's hard, but I can do it. Not for every song, sadly.

My English accent is terrible, but I do my utmost for her. This guitar has a good sound, I love it. As I carry on, she looks at the position of my fingers on the neck carefully. I don't know if she likes this song, but it seems she loves the fact I play it for her.

When the song is finished, she applauds happily.

"You're really good. I wish I'll be able to play like you someday." Her smile is a precious thing, and I thank her for her compliment.

"I can teach you if you want. With some training, I'm sure you'll be good too." I really want to teach her how to play.

I put this guitar away on the rack. However, I want to try an acoustic guitar too. I choose a sunburst one and begin to play Sliver by Nirvana while singing. The sound is lovely. And it's not very expensive. For me, it's a good choice. I will buy it, in a few weeks.

I thank the shopkeeper for letting me try these instruments, and we leave. Saki is happy. She likes my playing so I will do it again.

"Do you want to drink something?" I ask her.

"Yeah. Some tea would be fine." Sometimes, I think she can read my mind.

Therefore, I try to find a café. It takes a few minutes, and we see a lovely place. We take place, and the waiter comes. Saki takes green tea, and I choose a black one. Luckily, we are served quickly.

I like my tea strong. This one is perfect. Drinking tea with a friend is a simple thing, but I cherish this kind of moment.

"Oh, a few days ago, I met this blonde girl again."

I try to remember her name. Saki opens her mouth, maybe to help me. But she understands, by my attitude, that I want to find it by myself. I rack my brain, trying to remember this name. She stays quiet, a bit worried, I think. However, I finally find what I was looking for.

"Lilly, that's her name. Finally, I can remember it."

"I'm proud of you." She says kindly. "What happened?"

"Well, nothing in particular. I have just helped Lilly in the mini-market. She wanted some noodles, so I gave her what she needed."

"She will do something for you in the future, I'm sure of it. If you help her, she will help you later."

We talk about unimportant things too. The weather, our clothes, or even music. Even with ordinary stuff, Saki is interesting. I pay for our tea, and we leave. On the way, something comes to my mind. I must ask her a question.

"Would you stay some days at home during the next holidays? Mom and dad would be pleased." I ask her, but I already know what she could answers.

"Of course, with great pleasure. How could I say no to you?" She really likes the idea.

We reach the school slowly. We still have some time, and Saki has a great idea. A little nap under a tree.

She lays down next to me, cuddling up to me. My best friend is one of the cutest girls I've ever seen. She's always kind to me. I will never give up on her. I close my eyes and fall asleep. Sometimes, in the middle of the afternoon, I fall asleep almost instantly. I never worried about that.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - I-6 added 04-03-2019

Post by Razoredge » Wed Apr 03, 2019 8:37 am

Kind invitation

In the dead of night, a nightmare wakes me with a start. This is the same nightmare every time. I'm swimming underwater, and suddenly, I lose my breath, and I have a heart attack.

Obviously, I'm always panicked. I'm scared to death of having another heart attack. You can't forget a pain like this, it's unbearable. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Shivering, I open my window and take a deep breath. It's cold outside, but it helps me to realize I'm alive. It's just a nightmare.

If I follow the nurse's advice and take my medicine, I will be fine. Nevertheless, every time I have this nightmare, I'm crying. I can't help crying. I try to calm down, but there's nothing I can do. I close my window, and I leave my room. Still shivering, I head for Saki's room.

I know I will not bother her. She always told me I can reach her room if I have this nightmare. Knocking on her door, I don't have to wait too long. She's a sleepyhead, but she understands instantly. I have nothing to say. She let me in and hugs me frankly.

I blame myself a bit. Saki was sleeping, and I woke her up. But it seems she's not angry at me. She lays down on her bed, and I do the same thing, lying next to her.

She kindly strokes my hair. It appeases me. Saki is able to calm me down without saying anything.

" Saki? Thanks..."

"Thanks for what, dear?" She answers me, in a whisper.

"Thanks for always being there for me." I'm not shivering anymore.

"That's what best friends do. I love you, that's why I'm there for you." Her voice tone is lovely.

She keeps her hand in my hair, and I fall asleep. Her breath is soothing. Snuggled up against Saki, I know I will sleep well.


A weird alarm clock sound wakes me up abruptly. I realize I'm in Saki's room. When I wake up, I don't turn things over in my head. She shuts the alarm down and smiles when she sees me.

"Did you slept well?" She asks me, stretching out.

"Pretty well, thank you for that," I answer her, stretching out too.

"Anytime, dear."

"I'll go get dressed, and we take the breakfast together?" I ask her while smiling.

"Seems a good idea to me."

I leave her room lightheaded. My uniforms are clean, but I can't stand the smell of the detergent used in this school. I put a clean uniform on, and I wait for her outside the dorm. A few minutes later, we head towards the cafeteria.

My stomach rumbles, and she laughs when she hears it. It's early in the morning. Saki always wakes up before me, but that's okay.

"You snored last night." She laughs while nudging me.

"Seriously? Sorry... You're the first one who tells me something like that."

"It doesn't matter, I won't wake you up just for that. Luckily, you're discreet." I feign that I'm outraged, and she roars with laughter.

Being with Saki is a good thing for my heart. Because of her disability, she usually walks slowly, sometimes with a cane. Thus, we're never in a hurry. However, I try to do everything I can to help her. She does the same thing with me anyway. We promised to always be there for each other.

There are very few people in the cafeteria. So, we can quickly take our food and a seat. Rice, greens, and an egg. The same things every morning, and I won't change my habits. Saki took the same stuff.

I take a sip of hot tea. I only drink cold tea on sweltering summer days. She gives me her egg because she doesn't want to eat it. It doesn't disturb me, more food is always good.

I like when this place is quiet, like now. You can speak without raising your voice. Suddenly, a thought comes in my mind.

"I was wondering, how it goes with the boy you told me about before the holidays?"

Saki sniggers. She told me her feelings about a boy just before the end of the previous school year. I was happy and thought that she would become his girlfriend.

"I told him my feelings during the holidays, but it didn't go anywhere. So, I gave up." She answers me.

Saki seems to be a little sad. But she quickly forgets about that. The rest of the meal takes place in a quiet atmosphere. When we have to leave each other, she hugs me vigorously and heads towards her classroom.


In the middle of the sciences lesson, the teacher asks me a question.

"Yamamoto, which precaution do you need to take when you want to dissolve some acid with water?"

It takes me a few seconds to think about that. I know what to do, but I need to remember it. The teacher waits, and finally, I remember what to do.

"It's imperative to pour the acid slowly onto water, and not the other way around." As I answer his question, he agrees with a nod of his head.

"And can you tell me why?"

"When you pour water onto acid, this reaction is exothermic, and we want to reduce as far as possible the projection hazard," I reply, talking slowly.

"Exactly." He's smiling. When we answer correctly to his questions, this teacher is always proud of us.

During the rest of the lesson, he warns us about the many dangers of science experiments. I have to admit, science is not my favorite subject, but he achieves to make it interesting.

The next class is a Japanese one. I love Japanese literature, so I'm always paying close attention, even when I'm tired. During these lessons, I always lose track of time. Especially when the teacher talks about new books. My neighbor doze, which makes me smile.

We have to answer some questions. It's not that hard, so it takes me a few minutes to do this work. I help my neighbor to answer these questions. The rest of this morning's lessons follow the same path. Peaceful and interesting.


After lunch, we have a Japanese history lesson. I love these classes. I'm very interested in this stuff, and my best grades are in this subject.

It may sound strange, but World War II is my favorite period of history. I love to understand how the world turned into war in a few years. It's a case study. You learn to avoid things that can lead a nation to war.

But today, we talk about the Meiji Era and how Japan became open to the West. We learn historical facts, but I know that some people hate this period of Japan's history. Some things will never change.

During the lesson, I take a lot of notes. We'll have an assessment in two weeks. This one will be the easiest one for me.

The last class is a maths one. I have to admit, I'm not fond of mathematics. Sometimes, during maths lessons, I doze. But today, thankfully, it's not the case. No exercises today, just notes.

When the bell rings, some students rush outside. I could reach my room, but I need to take a book. I go towards the library. I really love the library. It's a quiet place, where you can work at your own pace. Also, Yuuko is very kind to us.

When I reach my destination, I search for my book. Finding my way between the shelves, I see it in the literature section. I take this book, and I try to find a free table. But I can't see any. I don't mind sharing a desk. I take a seat, and I begin to take notes from this book.

It's an interesting one, dealing with modern Japanese literature. A few minutes later, as I'm daydreaming, I notice that a tall blonde girl is right in front of me.

I'm sure I have seen her before. I struggle with my own memory, to remember her name. For a few long minutes, I'm trying to put a name on this face.

"Li...Lilly?" I speak very quietly.

"Hmm?" I'm happy, I finally remembered her name. "Oh. Hello Kaori. How are you doing?" Her smile is frank.

"Fine, thank you. To be honest, I didn't expect to see you there."

"You can see me in the library very often. I like this place, it's quiet and peaceful." She told me, thinking the same things. "What are you reading?"

"A book about modern Japanese literature. I can't explain why, but I love this subject." I answer, speaking in a low voice.

"If you like modern literature in general, I can recommend some books to you." She says, with a kind tone.

"I would like to see your recommendations."

She pauses a bit. I try to decipher the title of one of her books, but I can't read Braille. The little dots on the front cover must be Braille.

"How's your relation with Saki?" She asks me.

I'm a bit surprised. Lilly's question takes me by surprise, and I stay quiet for seconds. It seems she's aware of a lot of things.

"It's fine, thanks, but how do you know..."

"Some things are pretty obvious. Like my relation with Hanako. It's the same with yours with Saki. I can see these things." She's smiling as she answers me.

"Saki is my best friend, and she means a lot to me. " I answer her. "But I thought I was relatively discreet about that."

"Even when you try to be discreet, some things are obvious. But it's nice to see that someone here is important to you." She says with a kind smile.

"Aside from Hanako, are you close to someone else?" I ask her.

"I have some friends in this school, but she's the girl I am the closest to." Her voice is low but sweet.

Then, I start retaking notes. Sometimes, we break the silence, talking about ordinary stuff. I really like to speak with Lilly.

We stay until closing time. I could spend all day in the library. She gives me some book recommendations, but just before we split, she asks me a question.

"Sometimes, in the late afternoon, I drink tea with Hanako. Would you like to join us? I'm sure she would like your company."

It's a nice offer. How could I refuse?

"Sure. I can't refuse to join a tea party. Especially with nice people", I say frankly.

She smiles and gives me the place and hours. I write these pieces of information down in my mind, and then, we split. I wish I could spend more time with her. She's really kind to me. I don't want to delude myself and get ideas. If I do well, I wish we could be friends.

I just have to wait and see.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - I-6 added 04-03-2019

Post by Scroff » Wed Apr 03, 2019 1:36 pm

I don't know what it is about this story that I like so much, if I were to read it with my head then there'd be many nits to pick. So I read it with my heart instead, and look forward to each update.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - I-6 added 04-03-2019

Post by Razoredge » Thu Apr 04, 2019 3:51 am

Thanks for your words. I try to do everything I can to improve my writings and deleting all the gaps, it's pretty hard, because English is not my mother tongue.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - I-7 added 04-21-2019

Post by Razoredge » Sun Apr 21, 2019 2:53 pm


The water is like a mirror. On the diving board, I look at my body's reflection. Curves are waving, it's pretty funny. But I'm here to swim. I take a huge breath, and I dive. It seems that water is pretty cold today, but it's okay.

I start swimming. I'm nearly alone, I woke up earlier this morning to train myself before classes. I'm focused on my objective. I must be at my best for the tournament. Swimming slowly, I do a few lengths as a warmup.

I'm trying to swim most of the time underwater. I need to improve my breathing, so this training is excellent. My warmup finished, the real training begins. Today, I'll swim faster than usual. I need to improve my swimming speed. Doing the crawl, I start to swim fast.

On the third length, I find my cruising speed. It's a bit faster than usual, but it's bearable. My heart rate increases a tiny bit. If I control my speed, everything will be okay.

Water is waving on my body as I carry on. Sometimes, my mouth and my nose are underwater but not for long. I don't have to be afraid, I can control the situation.

I do some bursts of speed. If I'm on a battle against an opponent, speed will be the key to victory. Also, I must be unpredictable. During a full half-hour, I work on my speed. I don't know how many lengths I did, it's not important. When I leave the pool, some people dive in.

I deserve a hot shower. It takes me ten minutes to take a shower. I hate this chlorine smell, so, I do everything I can to eliminate it. I leave the shower, and I bump into one of my swimming partners.

"Oh, Hi Kaori. You were training for the tournament?" He asks me. I can't remember his name, as usual.

"Yes. I needed to work on my speed. What will you do?"

"I'll work on my stamina today. I worked too much on my speed last week, I need to change that." He sniggers.

I wish him good luck, and I reach my classroom. I can't wait to swim against my opponents.


It seems this morning will be boring. Taking notes, and that's all. Not a fancy program, I just have to make do. Daydreaming, I doodle something on the margin of my notebook. I'm barely focused, but I know what this lesson is about. My neighbor dozes on the table. An ordinary morning after all.

A nice change occurs at the end of the morning. We have a classical literature lesson. Every time we talk about literature in class, I'm really focused. Today, we talk about classical Japanese literature with some haikus.

I'm fascinated by people who can write a masterpiece with only a few words. I know I'm not able to do something like that, but I love reading these poems. The teacher explains to us how to write a haiku. I'm taking notes because I find this fascinating.

My writing skills are awful, and when I try to write a poem, the result is embarrassing. But never mind, I want to improve my writing. Hopefully, I won't need to write a poem during my assessment. I would like to, but I'm not able to write a good poem.

Today, I will eat alone, but that's fine. Sometimes, it's nice to be alone to cogitate about new things. Occasionally, when I eat alone, I find some new riffs. Then, I write them down.


Fortunately, the afternoon's lessons are a bit better. Science and English. When science's teacher comes, he tells us we'll talk about some scientific theories. I love when we do something like that.

We talk about black holes. I don't even know how such a thing can work. I know it vacuums light up, but I don't know how. Some students give some theories, and the teacher guides us towards the truth.

Like that, I lose track of time. This kind of lesson is exciting, and thanks to that, I can appreciate science. They give some theories about one or two other things, and then, the class is over.

But my joy was short-lived. We'll have to talk in English. I don't mind speaking in public, but my English accent is awful. Obviously, I'm not the only one with a dreadful accent.

Today, we have to read aloud. The teacher gives the sheets out. I begin to read it quietly. It seems this text is not difficult to understand. However, she asks me to read first.

The first words are pretty easy to read. But I have trouble reading some phonemes. My pronunciation is terrible, and for some words, I have to read it three or four times.

That's why I hate to speak English in front of people. I love this language, but I try to avoid speaking. The teacher helps me with some words' pronunciation, then someone else reads.

Two and a half minutes for three lines. I feel a bit ashamed, but I did my job. However, I'm doing everything I can to overcome my shortcomings. When the lesson is over, I sigh. I wonder if I'll be able to speak English correctly someday. Nevertheless, I'll clear my mind.

I remember about this sweet tea party invitation. I think that the girl who gave me this invite was Lilly. This is the only name which comes up in my mind, after a minute of reflection.

I head for the room she told me about. The door is ajar, and I hear two voices. I only recognize the first one. When I walk into the room, the blonde girl, who must be Lilly, asks a question to her friend.

"Hanako, dear, who's there?"

"A girl... who's in my class." answers the girl with dark purple hair.

The blonde girl cogitates a few seconds, then she smiles frankly.

"So, you're here Kaori. Welcome. Please, have a seat." she says to me with a sweet tone.

"Thanks, Lilly" I answer.

She smiles happily when I say her name. I finally managed to remember her name, and I'm proud of myself. I will never recognize her face, and I must find a stratagem to remember it, but I have time.

She serves me a cup of tea, and I thank her frankly. I really like hot tea, so I'm pleased. Outside, the sun slowly goes down. We talk about trivial things, but I notice something's wrong.

The girl with dark purple hair seems to be embarrassed. I don't know why, but I remember what Lilly told me about her. She's very shy, so that explains everything.

Suddenly, an idea pops up in my mind.

"Lilly, you're half Scottish, right?" I ask, all of a sudden.

"Yes, that's what I told you" she smiles. "But can I know why this question suddenly came in your mind?"

"I have trouble reading English so... I wonder you speak English very well." I answer, honestly.

"Oh." She pauses a bit. "You need some help about that?"

"Yes... If you don't mind." I lower my eyes.

"You can ask me everything you want about that. I'd be glad to help you." She answers with a sweet but motherly tone.

I thank her with all my honesty. Generally, I don't ask for help. Yet I need it sometimes. My pride prevents me from asking for help. I sip my tea. This place is quiet, I love that. Then, Lilly takes a board game. I recognize this one. This board is used in chess and draughts games.

"Kaori, do you know how to play chess?" She asks me.

"Not really. My father wanted to teach me when I was younger, but he never had the time."

"I think we can teach you if you want," Lilly answers me.

I accept her offer. They put the pieces in place, and the game starts. I understand absolutely nothing, from the rules to the movements. Nevertheless, I find this game captivating, even if it's incomprehensible for me. I try to understand something, but it's too blurry for me.

It seems it's a close game. But after a few long minutes, Lilly wins the game. In fact, that's what she said. It will take a long time to learn to play chess. I know nothing about it so it will take time to learn the rules, the movements, and everything else.

I take another cup of tea and ask some questions about this game. Even with Lilly's explanations, I understand nothing. When my cup is finished, we split, and I reach my bedroom. I have a whole hour to read before dinner.


In the queue, I wonder what can I eat today. I should take the same thing as usual, but for once, I want to change.

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't notice that someone poked my arm. Then, I feel that someone hugs me like a koala. It must be Saki, she's the only one who does this with me.

"You won't eat alone, I'm here for you," Saki says to me, with her sweet voice.

I laugh, and when it's our turn, she jumps off. I take some fish with greens and an egg. Saki takes pork with rice, and we take a seat.

We begin to eat, as she tells me her day. Saki knows how to make things interesting. I listen to everything she tells me with great interest. I take a big bite of fish, and something pops out in my mind.

"Oh, I forgot to mention. I asked Lilly if she could help me with my oral skills in English."

"And what did she say?" She asks me with interest.

"She said she'll help me every time I need it. Lilly is very kind, I thanked her so much for that."

"Nice. But try to not fall in love with her during the process." She says, sticking her tongue out at me.

Saki knows that I prefer girls to boys, and she jokes about that sometimes. I know she's just kidding, I never took it badly. The rest of the meal is quiet. The silence is occasionally broken by frivolities. When I spend time with my best friend, nothing else matters.

When our meal is finished, we reach our own rooms. I hug her in front of my room, and I jump into my bed. I won't sleep now, I need to read before. As usual.
Last edited by Razoredge on Sat May 04, 2019 2:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - I-7 added 04-21-2019

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri May 03, 2019 9:26 am

Nice chapter again.
One thing you should pay a bit more attention to is to avoid repetitions. Just a few examples from this chapter:
Today, I'll swim faster than usual.
It's a bit faster than usual, but it's bearable.
We have a classical literature lesson.
Today, we talk about classical Japanese literature with some haikus.
We'll have to talk in English.
Today, we have to read aloud.
Two small grammar mistakes:
This is the only name who which comes up in my mind
"And what did she said say?"
Finally I know English is not your first language, but try to avoid so many sentences with only three or four words. Personally I think it's much better to take the risk of trying to make a longer sentence. Even if you do make a mistake in the process the result will probably have better readability and you can improve by making mistakes. You won't improve (as much) by always avoiding them.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - I-7 added 04-21-2019

Post by Razoredge » Fri May 03, 2019 1:05 pm

Thanks for the advice buddy.

I know I must try to make longer sentences, and this is what I try to do. Nevertheless, sometimes, I feel like my long sentences are weird, but I work on that.

I'll make longer sentences for the next chapter. And thanks again for the advice.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

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