A Fresh Start

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powercore007
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A Fresh Start

Post by powercore007 » Mon Sep 24, 2018 1:32 am

so this is my second attempted at a serious story I posted my first on here, but I did like it so I tried a new one I hope people enjoy it and as always constructive criticism always is welcome
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I continue standing there the car with Lilly in it long gone, I can't help to feel lost like I was when I first got here. Looking over to the spot Hanako once was I can't help but to feel completely alone like I did in the hospital.

When I left that sterile white room just a few short months ago I was broken, not speaking about my heart but emotionally broken. Thinking about then versus now I can't help to feel like nothing’s changed, as horrible as it sounds its like Lilly and even Hanako just distracted from my feelings

I continue to ponder as I walk through the front gate back into the school grounds, walking around for a little while deep in thought I find myself sitting on a bench outside the dorms.

A thought just struck me, maybe I should take the nurses advice and exercise. I’ve had a few close calls lately with my heart, it feels like one every other day and sooner if it keeps happening I’ll have a heart attack and I could die.

Resolved to start fixing at the very least this issue I decided that I’m going to start exercising, but tomorrow before I do anything like that I’m going to talk to the nurse about the issues I’ve been having and come up with a plan.

I’m pulled out of my reverie by a hand gently being placed on my shoulder and a soft voice

“Guess who Hicchan,” the recognizable voice says but in a much my subdue tone than her normal loud voice.

Turning to my pink haired friend I can't help but to chuckle a bit “Hey Misha, what you doing out so late” I ask

“I was going to go for a walk before I go to bed.” She says in a somewhat more cheerful tone I can't help but to smile at “Lilly left didn’t she?” she add, all I can do is somberly nod my head, I still can't completely accept it yet

“ Hicchan if you wanna join me on my walk you can,” she tells me looking at her I can tell she is hoping I join her

“Okay” is all I can say as I lift my self off the bench

We walk silently for a while, its Misha who breaks it, however “Hicchan you look like your thinking about something “

I look at her surprised that she noticed “Yeah, I… it’s just I was doing some thinking back there,” she is looking at me in a way that whatever it is, she won't judge me

“ Recently I’ve had some close calls, I haven't been taking care of my self the way I should” looking at Misha she seems confused at first then what I'm saying dawns on her

“Does this have to do with why you're here,” I sagely nod at her and she waits for me to continue but I don’t.

“Hicchan I know you said you would tell us why when you're ready, but I would like to know maybe I can help, and if it helps I'll tell you a secret about me” she has her cheerful lilt when she says it, it’s oddly making me feel a bit more cheerful myself

I look at her and she is looking at me with a curious grin.

“Okay I’ll tell you but promise that it will stay between us” she seems a small bit put off by my request, but she still has her ever-present smile on

“Okay Hicchan, I won't tell anyone not even Shicchan, it will be fun having a secret yep” she finishes saying that with a nod

I take in a breath of air to steady my thoughts “I have a condition called an arrhythmia,” again she has a look of curiosity I should probably explain further “ basically it a condition in which the heart beats with an irregular or abnormal rhythm, the more I except my self the more out of rhythm it gets and I can have another heart attack.” she seems taken aback by this information, not that I can blame her.

We start walking again as in silence, she seems to be taking in what I just told her, it takes a few minutes but she finds what to say

“ So is there a way to make it so you are less likely to have an attack,” she sounds somewhat sad asking that, again I can't blame her if she told me something like that about her self I would feel the same

I for some reason feel like I need to tell her about what happened recently “ To be honest Misha I’ve had a couple close calls recently” she looks at me confused at what I mean but concerned “ I’ve had a few heart flutters and when you walked up to me, I decided that I’m going to talk to the nurse tomorrow”

I’m not sure but I think I sounded determined saying that I look at Misha who has a glint in her eyes I don’t think I’ve seen her have before

“Hicchan what do you need help with?” she asks in her serious yet playful tone

“ He told me when I first got he I should do a regular workout to make my heart stronger…” I slow down and look at my feet, I feel embarrassed at this but I continue “I didn’t listen to him… I wish I did” I say in a somber tone

“ That’s no good Hicchan, but I’m not going to be upset because it seems you want to do something about your health now” she pauses for a moment, then I almost see a light turn on in her head “Actually Hicchan I have an idea, I’ve been thinking about starting doing morning swims again, and well maybe you could join me”

That might not be a bad idea, running with Emi didn’t work out and I always found swimming relaxing. The one thought that pops into mind is with summer break coming up I don’t know if she is staying here or leaving,

“ I would like that, but are you staying here over break or are you going home, or maybe going with Shizune?,” I ask hoping somewhat selfishly that she is staying here

“ No I’m staying here and can we not talk about Shizune, please. That's good Hicchan we can start Monday, as long as nurse say’s so haha” something seems off in her tone, also the fact she said ‘Shuzune; not ‘Shicchan’, I make a mental note to ask her later

We continue our walk now heading back to the dorms in silence, Misha decided to hold on to my arm for support as she is falling asleep

“ Hicchan, I never told you my secret” she sleepily says

“ You don’t have to not tonight, your almost asleep already,” I tell her and I mean it, I don’t know if its a big deal or not but I don’t wanna force her to stay out any longer now that we are back at the dorms

“haha okay Hicchan how bout we do lunch tomorrow,” she asks

“Okay, we can do that, will you be okay to get back to your room on your own” with how tired she looks right now I don’t know if she will make it

“Okay Hicchan it’s a date haha, but I’ll be fine I’ve had to walk from the student council room to my room in like this on my own, lots of times goodnight” with that she starts walking, well stumbling off

She turns back to me with a smile “Hicchan, thank you for tonight” and then she walks off again into the girl's dorm

I am pretty tired myself so I head back to my room, taking my night time assortment of pill and drift to sleep allot easier then I thought I would

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brythain
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Re: A Fresh Start

Post by brythain » Mon Sep 24, 2018 2:56 am

So far so good for this story, but you need to find an editor because you're not doing punctuation, and you tend to let words run on so that it's hard to understand your lines. We're not going away, we're not in a hurry to see what you do next, but we do appreciate effort to make it easier for us to read your stuff!
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

Hanako Fancopter
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Re: A Fresh Start

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Mon Sep 24, 2018 3:00 am

Seems like a post Lilly neutral ending? If so it would be interesting to explore how Hisao feels about what happened between him and Lilly, as well as how things are between he and Hanako now.

You have serious grammar and overall word flow issues but, from the way this reads, I have to assume your native language isn't English. As such, I can't really hold this against you. I'm sure if I tried to write something in another language it would be the same. So I'll only comment on content instead.

I would suggest that you do not use the morning swims plot point as this will make your fic feel a bit like a rip-off of For Want of a Nail. I know it's easy to headcanon that fic as the official "Misha route" but still I have to advise against copying any of its aspects as much as possible. With that said, I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do here. One thing I will say for you is that it was an easy, breezy read, so that greatly improves the odds that I'll be looking at it.

Silentcook
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Re: A Fresh Start

Post by Silentcook » Mon Sep 24, 2018 9:32 am

Silentcook wrote:
Fri Aug 24, 2018 1:32 pm
First you should take care of grammar and spelling. I'm sorry to say both are pretty atrocious - edit this chapter carefully until they become decent, there's really not much point to piling up more writing otherwise.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

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powercore007
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Re: A Fresh Start

Post by powercore007 » Mon Sep 24, 2018 11:43 am

Hanako Fancopter wrote:
Mon Sep 24, 2018 3:00 am
Seems like a post Lilly neutral ending? If so it would be interesting to explore how Hisao feels about what happened between him and Lilly, as well as how things are between he and Hanako now.

I would suggest that you do not use the morning swims plot point as this will make your fic feel a bit like a rip-off of For Want of a Nail.
It is Post Lilly and Plan on Having Hanako in the next chapter. as for not including morning swims I didn't plan on having them as much of a plot point as they are in For Want of a Nail, but I won't lie I have read it

powercore007
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Re: A Fresh Start

Post by powercore007 » Mon Sep 24, 2018 11:46 am

brythain wrote:
Mon Sep 24, 2018 2:56 am
So far so good for this story, but you need to find an editor because you're not doing punctuation, and you tend to let words run on so that it's hard to understand your lines. We're not going away, we're not in a hurry to see what you do next, but we do appreciate effort to make it easier for us to read your stuff!
I would like to find an editor but as I'm new to this whole fanfic writing scene I'm just not sure how to find one, but I am looking in to it.

ProfAllister
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Re: A Fresh Start

Post by ProfAllister » Mon Sep 24, 2018 1:40 pm

Honestly, I don't own the idea of Misha swimming - anyone else is free to use it. The important thing is that you don't rely on other works to justify plot points in yours. By pulling from other works, you risk missing the reasoning and supporting details for why a certain decision is made, but that's why it's so important that your fic be more or less self-sustaining.

In other words, Misha offering to swim with Hisao to help him get exercise is perfectly acceptable. Make sure you have proper motivations in place for why she offers and for the reasons given, but don't be afraid if using the plot point of it serves your story.

As noted, punctuation, grammar, etc. are vital. If you don't have those (reasonably) down, you'll get nowhere fast, regardless of the quality of the story itself.

Next step would be to ensure that you do some effort to get a handle on each character's unique voice, especially idiosyncratic voices like Misha, Lilly, and Hanako. Try to get a feel for how they phrase things, the little quirks, etc. Take some notes from the VN, set out a few rules for how they work (e.g., you could make Hanako's stuttering heavily favor the first words of sentences), and stick to the rules you've established.

Finally, when you're introducing new plot points that appear to contact the canon occurrences (e.g., Shizune and Misha seeming to drift apart much earlier; Misha dropping the nickname), be absolutely sure you can support those contradictions through the narrative - readers are going to force you to earn those plot points. (And you need to defend them in the meat of the work itself, not in the author's notes)
Current Project: Misha Pseudo-Route

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powercore007
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Re: A Fresh Start

Post by powercore007 » Mon Sep 24, 2018 7:26 pm

ProfAllister wrote:
Mon Sep 24, 2018 1:40 pm
Honestly, I don't own the idea of Misha swimming - anyone else is free to use it. The important thing is that you don't rely on other works to justify plot points in yours. By pulling from other works, you risk missing the reasoning and supporting details for why a certain decision is made, but that's why it's so important that your fic be more or less self-sustaining.

In other words, Misha offering to swim with Hisao to help him get exercise is perfectly acceptable. Make sure you have proper motivations in place for why she offers and for the reasons given, but don't be afraid if using the plot point of it serves your story.

As noted, punctuation, grammar, etc. are vital. If you don't have those (reasonably) down, you'll get nowhere fast, regardless of the quality of the story itself.

Next step would be to ensure that you do some effort to get a handle on each character's unique voice, especially idiosyncratic voices like Misha, Lilly, and Hanako. Try to get a feel for how they phrase things, the little quirks, etc. Take some notes from the VN, set out a few rules for how they work (e.g., you could make Hanako's stuttering heavily favor the first words of sentences), and stick to the rules you've established.

Finally, when you're introducing new plot points that appear to contact the canon occurrences (e.g., Shizune and Misha seeming to drift apart much earlier; Misha dropping the nickname), be absolutely sure you can support those contradictions through the narrative - readers are going to force you to earn those plot points. (And you need to defend them in the meat of the work itself, not in the author's notes)
Thanks for your advice I'll definitely use it to improve my writing, hopefully I can improve on the next chapter and so on. This is a real learning experience for me but I'm enjoying the journey

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: A Fresh Start

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Sep 25, 2018 11:10 am

So, regarding spelling and grammar what I noted for your first story still applies. Tenses, punctuation and prepositions are all over the place.

Regarding the story itself, this one has less stuff that makes no sense, so there's improvement here.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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