I proofread this, way back when. Recently went back over it so I could leave my thoughts here, for various reasons.
If I didn't know better, I'd say that the opening is far too dreary for what it is. The entire sequence paints such a quaint picture, and yet it's described not just as melancholy, but straight up disgusting. The weather is oppressive and invasive, while Suzu and Takashi are described like animals - frantic this and visceral that. But I know better. I know how much you love your foreshadowing. Some of it might be that Suzu has a particularly dark perspective on her narration, but surely the effect on the reader was intentional.
As for the climax of the story, while I had no doubts as to what was being implied - the various things scratching at the back of Suzu's mind made it rather clear - what actually happened in the moment was, initially, a complete and total mystery. I had to piece together what had happened after the fact. Now, in one sense, that could be a way of putting the reader in Suzu's shoes. But I don't think it was - we don't really get to see her go through that process or realization, despite the story being told from her point of view.
But then, why was this vital centerpiece of the story so ambiguous? While I'm not usually one to criticize writers for purple prose - I think it's a wonderful and creative part of writing - it may have been taken a little too far here. I mean, really, as soon as one starts using whitespace creatively, they're unlikely to get a good reaction from me. To be fair, that ruling probably has something to do with my tastes in poetry, but regardless, I think you crossed the line from "poetic beauty" to "poetic mess". As you've said, however, this was all done in an attempt to not cross some other lines - not the way I would've done it, but I can see what you were going for.
The remainder of the story almost feels too lively and normal in comparison - I expected Suzu to curl up in a ball and end the story there, given the depressing theme so far. And yet, we get a peek into the process of recovery from the event - she even considers going to talk to Takashi, which blew my mind when I first read it, but (somewhat ironically) makes more sense because it wasn't her fault. She never decided to do that to him, so she doesn't feel bad about him, just sorry for him. That was a nice surprise to me, given that I essentially wrote him off once he bailed on Suzu before she had even said anything else (something which itself might have been made a bit more confusing by the stylistic choices for the event). Saki's role was kind of telegraphed, but still nice. I expected Suzu to be more vehemently opposed to the smell of cigarettes, but she plays that entire exchange pretty calmly.
Overall, this was an interesting story about a difficult topic. Some of your stylistic choices made for incredibly potent moments, while others reduced the story's readability and broke immersion. All in all, however, it was a good (if haunting) read, with a lot of emotion (from characters with so little exposition) and brilliant imagery. Even if I just feel empty each time I read it.
Oh, and clearly my proofreading wasn't perfect, since I found some mistakes. Well, only one mistake in the story, but still.
Listening to music while listening? That's difficult. Not everyone has such skill.
Iron gates that can fly for short distances, but become hopelessly obsolete as the state of the art advances? :P