Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

WORDS WORDS WORDS
AJT135
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:43 pm

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by AJT135 » Wed Jul 11, 2018 8:29 am

I'm enjoying this fic so far. Hanako and Rin isn't a combination you see often. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.

As for criticism, I think the name above each paragraph is unnecessary. It's immersion breaking and isn't needed unless you have a change in perspective, which you haven't had at all so far.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:40 am

Two major points:
1. You slip into past tense a lot - basically whenever there is a paragraph without dialogue you almost always change to past tense.
2. You lifted a whole passage verbatim from the VN just replacing Hisao with Hanako. That's not leaving a good impression.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

psyxypher
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2018 6:41 pm

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by psyxypher » Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:51 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:40 am
Two major points:
1. You slip into past tense a lot - basically whenever there is a paragraph without dialogue you almost always change to past tense.
2. You lifted a whole passage verbatim from the VN just replacing Hisao with Hanako. That's not leaving a good impression.
1. Yes, I am aware of that issue.
2. I was going with the idea that, at least where painting with Rin was concerned, I don't see where the scene would be much different (she needed someone to help her with painting). That being said, I understand it's bad writing and plan not to do it again.

If you have any suggestions on what to put instead, I'm all auditory sensory organs.
To give you an idea of what kind of person I am, I'm friendly, talkative, and very good at Cards Against Humanity.

My Rin/Hanako fanfic, Odd Friendship. You'd be doing me a favor if you read it.

Raimen
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu May 17, 2018 1:27 pm

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by Raimen » Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:54 am

I thought that the ~~~~ Hanako Ikezawa ~~~~ text indicated a scene change, with the potential for a POV change also. (Although IIRC, one of them seened unnecessary for that purpose.) Hopefully there'll be a POV change soon though. I agree that it is kind of annoying.

IIRC, this chapter also is the first real divergence from the VN. That's not bad mind you. More of a nitpicky observation. From what I noticed...

1) Hisao isn't on Shizune's route. If he was, then the three of them had a long lunch at the Shanghai. But Shizune and Misha returned to class after lunch on Wednesday.
2) Where is Hisao? I'm assuming that his collision with Emi still occurred, but was either (a) more serious, requiring a Nurse's trip, or (b) without Shizune/Musha or Lilly/Hanako for Hisao to have lunch with, Emi pressured him into going to the Nurse. I hope that a future chapter resolves this thread.
3) Hanako didn't bolt on Hisao in the library Tuesday afternoon.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jul 12, 2018 11:41 am

psyxypher wrote:
Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:51 am
2. I was going with the idea that, at least where painting with Rin was concerned, I don't see where the scene would be much different (she needed someone to help her with painting). That being said, I understand it's bad writing and plan not to do it again.
If you have any suggestions on what to put instead, I'm all auditory sensory organs.
The problem is less that the scene is similar but that you copied the dialogue word for word. I know it's hard to write original Rin dialogue, but you chose this topic for your story.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Hanako Fancopter
Posts: 147
Joined: Fri May 25, 2018 6:27 pm

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Thu Jul 12, 2018 11:58 am

One thought I had was that maybe Rin would bring up the mystery of Hanako's bathroom visits (in one scene in the game she refers to Hanako as "Mystery Toilet Girl" and says something along the lines of, she has a world record for times gone to the toilet in one recess).

psyxypher
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2018 6:41 pm

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by psyxypher » Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:30 am

Decided to re-write parts of Chapter 1 and 2 so I'm not blatantly ripping lines from the game.
To give you an idea of what kind of person I am, I'm friendly, talkative, and very good at Cards Against Humanity.

My Rin/Hanako fanfic, Odd Friendship. You'd be doing me a favor if you read it.

User avatar
sloth4
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2018 9:04 am
Contact:

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by sloth4 » Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:36 am

psyxypher wrote:
Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:30 am
Decided to re-write parts of Chapter 1 and 2 so I'm not blatantly ripping lines from the game.
Good idea. Make it your own and really experiment with it. That's the part that makes these AUs fun, anything can happen (within reason).

You might also consider having the relationship start off rocky. With misunderstandings abound, and Hanako growing uncomfortable due to Rin's brazen manner of speech. Hanako could react poorly to Rin calling her "Toilet Girl" (perhaps she was teased with that name as a child) or looking to collect her based on her problem (given how skittish she is about her scars). And of course, Rin utterly oblivious to her companion's discomfort.

psyxypher
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2018 6:41 pm

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by psyxypher » Thu Jul 19, 2018 4:52 pm

Alright, I've kept a schedule so far. Good. Hopefully, I've kept a reader-base as well. Anyway, here's chapter 3. Chapter 4-5 will be from Rin's perspective. A bit nervous with this chapter, since I'm still new to writing this. Remember, your comments/scalding criticisms aren't just welcome, they're encouraged.

Also, whoever gets the first Shout-Out in this chapter gets an internet cookie.

Chapter 3: Hand, Foot, Heart, Soul

~~~~Hanako Ikezawa~~~~

Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. It’s like Monday, but with the promise of Friday just around the corner just to taunt you. To make it worse, Lilly told me this morning that she’d be caught up with festival work. Add that on top with our temporary ban from the tea room, and I’m fresh out of plans for lunch.

And I forgot to make lunch this morning. It could be worse, I guess.

I gaze over to Hisao’s seat. He came back to class this morning, and from what I can tell, he’s perfectly fine. Of course, not coming to class for the latter half of yesterday would mean that wasn’t the case, at least at that time.

Asking him is out of the question, of course. If he wants to share, that’s his prerogative.

The bell rings, signalling the beginning of lunch. This means that I now have to make my plans on the fly. I guess I’ll hole up in the library. Maybe keep reading V for Vendetta. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

Over the course of this week, I’ve become slightly more comfortable with leaving the classroom with the rest of the student body. No one pays attention to me. Which is what I wanted, I suppose. Yep. No one is going to talk to me. No one at all.

“Excuse me, are you Hanako?”

I practically yelp at the surprise. Stupid. After everything that’s happened this week, why would I expect anything to go my way this week? I was so sure that no one would talk, or so much look at me that when someone did, I was so surprised that I yelped out loud.

And now everyone is staring at the girl who randomly jumped in the middle of the hall.

I want to die. I want to die so much right now. Just let some horrible accident occur so I don’t have to deal with the embarrassment. Hopefully it will actually kill me this time instead of just everyone I care about. Third time’s the charm right?

“Oh, sorry, did I startle you?”

They’re all staring at me. The freak. The weird girl with the horrible burn scars. Who is shaking in the middle of the hall like a scared little child. Why? Why can’t things just be easy for me?! Why-

“Uh...Rin wanted me to invite you to lunch.”

Reality rushes back to me. It actually kind of hurts as the adrenaline from my panic wears off. I take a second to adjust my head.

“Wa-a-wha?” All I can manage at this moment. Head is still swimming.

The girl standing in front of me is none other than the track star Emi. A blonde third year with both of her legs amputated, a pair of prosthetics in their place. I quickly dart my eyes around. The only pair of eyes on me happen to be the green ones belonging to Emi.

What’s happening?

“Yep! Rin told me she made a new friend and asked if you could eat lunch with us.” Emi says, smiling. The shock from my almost panic attack has worn off, my normal method of thinking has returned. Okay, so Emi is a friend of Rin, who considers me a friend-

Oh my God! Rin considers me a friend!

“So, uh, do you want to come eat lunch with us on the roof?” Emi asks.

“Yes!” I reply so fast that it makes Emi flinch. Had this been some kind of anime, my eyes would be sparkling. Or have stars in them. Or both.

“Good. Rin would be really sad if you didn’t show.”

I’m squealing internally. I’ve never been invited to lunch. I haven’t had a friend other than Lilly since, since...okay, let’s not think about that now. This is a happy occasion. Don’t spoil it Hanako. Just pray they won’t shower you in pig blood.

~~~~

Emi leads me up the stairs to the roof. It was so long since the padlock had been removed, I almost can’t remember a time when there had been one on the door to the roof. Also, no buckets of pig blood!

Emi opens the door. After being in the bland colors and still air of the inside of Yamaku, being on the windy roof with the bright, colorful landscape is a pleasurable shock to my senses. The wind in my hair and face feels nice.

“You came.”

I look around, my eyes quickly focusing on Rin sitting nearby on the ground, Hisao sitting next to her.

“H-h-hi.” I squeak, hands clasped together.

“Hello Hanako.” Hisao responds. I’m a bit surprised to see Hisao here too. Is he Rin’s friend too?

“Hope you don’t mind, I also owe Hisao lunch.” Emi says as she walks by me to sit beside the two. I hastily join her, trying my best not to look like the antsy wreck I am inside.

“I didn’t know you and Rin knew each other.” Hisao says to me.

Rin simply closes her eyes and nods. “She has helpful hands.” she replies. Emi and Hisao looked thoroughly confused at this statement, so I elaborate. “I-I, helped her out yesterday with her mural.”

“You paint?” Hisao asks, looking over to Rin. I get the feeling this may be the first time Rin and Hisao have met.

“Yup! She uses her feet!” Emi adds in. “She’s amazing at it, too.”

“How did you and Hisao meet?” Rin asks, with a sly grin on her face. Emi immediately gets a panicked expression. “I just bumped into him yesterday. Yeah.” Emi spits out.

“Mhmm. That’s pretty much it,” Hisao replies, giving a little smile.

I silently guess that Emi ran into Hisao in the halls. She’s rather infamous for running in the halls no matter how much she’s reprimanded. I briefly wonder if that’s why Hisao was out for the latter part of yesterday, but I don’t ask.

Emi pulls out her bag, and produces four lunchboxes from it: one blue one, and three red ones. She hands the red ones out to me, Hisao and Rin whilst keeping the blue one for herself. Did she really make all four of these herself?

Rin opens her lunchbox with her feet, deftly using a fork to stab at and eat food. I’m instantly reminded of Lilly’s numerous methods to work around her blindness. My observation of Rin is cut short by the mild pain in my stomach, and I decide to start stuffing myself on the delicious smelling food in front of me.

“How’d you and Rin meet, Emi?” Hisao asks in between bites of his own meal. The question catches Emi in the middle of what could be called a feeding frenzy.

“Well, we were put next to each other by the housing department. Someone said we’d work together well.”

“Work together well?”

“Yeah!” Emi replies.

“Like meat and cheese.” Rin replies. Her reply leaves me thoroughly confused. It seems Hisao is in the same state I am.

“When you put us both together, we have all of our limbs.”

That line elicits a chuckle from me and Hisao.

“I help Rin get dressed in the morning.” Emi continues. “We got along really quickly.”

Conversation dies down after that. About another minute of silence goes by until I notice I’ve already finished my lunch. Hisao notices as well.

“You ate quickly.” he comments, pointing out the obvious. That’s been a habit I’ve had since I was really young, much to the disdain of my foster parents. If I ate my meals quicker, I’d have to be around others less.

“S-sorry…” I squeak.

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Hisao replies. “Look at Emi. She’s almost done.” he says, pointing over at Emi, who seems to be devouring her meal like a starved puppy.

I breathe out, before turning my head back straight. I notice Rin is staring at me. My response is to nervously smile. Rin smiles as well. I decide that I may as well take the opportunity to make conversation.

“D-do you still need help w-with your mural, Rin?”

Rin gives a confused look, which in turn confuses me. She quickly straightens her face. “Yes. The mural. Sorry, had been thinking of haircuts,” she says, shaking her head side to side and sending her hair flying about. “I’ll be needing one soon.”

She looks at me. “Your hair is nice. And purple. I’ve never met anyone else with purple hair.”

I might be blushing a little. I take pride in my hair, as it’s my only good feature. Emi takes this time to chime in. “Long hair is hard to take care of too,” she adds. “What’s your secret?”

“I-it’s about using the right shampoo and conditioner. A-also carefully combing it.” I say. I didn’t expect to get into this conversation, but I’m not complaining.

“Long hair gets in the way,” Rin replies. “I can’t see past it.”

That makes sense, considering that Rin doesn’t have arms. She wouldn’t be able to move her hair out of the way.

“Long hair gets in the way of running,” Emi adds.

“Miki has long hair,” Rin replies. Emi gives a firm “Hmph!” and turns her head away. Hisao looks up from his food. He’s probably stayed out of this conversation, not having anything to add.

“Miki?” he asks.

“The d-dark skinned girl in our class w-with the bandaged wrist.” I reply. “Sh-shes on the tr-track team.”

“Emi’s jealous because she isn’t as cute as Miki.” Rin adds in. I think she knows what she’s saying is getting at Emi.

“Not true! Besides, I’m faster than her anyway!” Emi shouts back, having taken Rin’s bait. Hisao and Rin laugh at Emi’s little outburst.

The warning bells signalling the end of lunch ring out. I hand the box back to Emi. “Th-thank you,” I say.

“No problem. A friend of Rin is a friend of mine.” she replies, before heading to entrance to the roof.

Friend. The word sounds a little odd to me, but it has a pleasing ring to to it. Rin looks to me as well. “Thank you for coming,” she says, rather bluntly, before following Emi down the stairs.

“Want to walk back to class together?” Hisao offers, a smile on his face.

“S-sure,” I reply. I follow by his side as he starts to walk down the stairs.

I didn’t notice it until now, but there’s a tickle on the side of my face that I don’t often feel. It’s caused by the way my scars healed over after my accident. I’m smiling. Not just a little one either, I’ve got a big dorky smile on my face for the first time in who knows how long.

I’m with friends.

~~~~

Hopefully you've liked my perspective on Hanako so far. Hopefully you'll like my perspective on Rin as well. Thank you to my Beta Readers Beta Readers Hanako Fancopter and /u/Arodyrok.

Previous Next
Chapter Index
Last edited by psyxypher on Sat Jul 28, 2018 1:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
To give you an idea of what kind of person I am, I'm friendly, talkative, and very good at Cards Against Humanity.

My Rin/Hanako fanfic, Odd Friendship. You'd be doing me a favor if you read it.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Jul 20, 2018 9:06 am

“Excuse me, are you Hanako?”
Seems strange that someone who is in her year would have to ask that...
Rin and Hisao looked thoroughly confused at this statement
This should be Emi and Hisao, right?
“When you put us both together, we have all of our limbs.”
Again lines taken verbatim from the VN...
much to the disdain of my foster parents.
According to the VN she was in an orphanage.
“Want to walk back to class together?” Hisao offers, a smile on his face.

“S-sure,”
Hmm... We have now two stories about Hanako running at the same time, and in both Hanako seems to be missing her most defining character trait completely...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
sloth4
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2018 9:04 am
Contact:

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by sloth4 » Fri Jul 20, 2018 9:18 am

Carrie. The shout-out is to Carrie. NOW GIMME A COOKIE!

I'll be interested to see how you present things from Rin's PoV in the next chapter.

------
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Fri Jul 20, 2018 9:06 am
Hmm... We have now two stories about Hanako running at the same time, and in both Hanako seems to be missing her most defining character trait completely...
Her inability to socialize?

psyxypher
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2018 6:41 pm

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by psyxypher » Fri Jul 20, 2018 10:32 am

“When you put us both together, we have all of our limbs.”
Again lines taken verbatim from the VN...
I was thinking about this when I was writing the scene, which is why I explicitly wrote the lines so it wasn't a direct copy of the lines from the VN. Similar, yes, but not the same.
According to the VN she was in an orphanage.
Edited by mod request. Might be changed back later, likely not.
This should be Emi and Hisao, right?

Thanks. Corrected.
Carrie. The shout-out is to Carrie. NOW GIMME A COOKIE!
Nope, that's the second reference. No cookie for you.
Last edited by psyxypher on Fri Jul 20, 2018 5:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
To give you an idea of what kind of person I am, I'm friendly, talkative, and very good at Cards Against Humanity.

My Rin/Hanako fanfic, Odd Friendship. You'd be doing me a favor if you read it.

Hanako Fancopter
Posts: 147
Joined: Fri May 25, 2018 6:27 pm

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Fri Jul 20, 2018 12:41 pm

Hmm... We have now two stories about Hanako running at the same time, and in both Hanako seems to be missing her most defining character trait completely...
What trait is that? Hyper skittish-ness?

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Jul 20, 2018 3:40 pm

The beta says she was raised by foster parents; I'm going by her beta backstory, because that's more defined.
I've been an editor for the Beta, and I can assure you there is no different backstory for Hanako in there.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

psyxypher
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2018 6:41 pm

Re: Odd Friendship: A Hanako and Rin Route

Post by psyxypher » Fri Jul 20, 2018 4:11 pm

Post Edited/Censored at mod request.
Last edited by psyxypher on Fri Jul 20, 2018 5:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
To give you an idea of what kind of person I am, I'm friendly, talkative, and very good at Cards Against Humanity.

My Rin/Hanako fanfic, Odd Friendship. You'd be doing me a favor if you read it.

Post Reply