Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
Emps
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:07 pm
Location: Golden Throne

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Emps » Wed Sep 05, 2018 7:41 pm

Angus and Hanako were walking side by side down the street in Yamaku Town. They had passed the park and were starting to get to the part of town Hanako was less familiar with. She wasn’t particularly enthused with spending the walking, much preferring to spend time reading, but unfortunately the Yamaku library didn’t have the next book of Wheel of Time, and she had already read most of the other books in the sci-fi and fantasy sections.

“H-Have you read any g-good books lately?” Hanako asked as they continued down the street.

“I am currently reading the novel by S. Morgenstern. Technically an abridged version, when I could not find a original, so I may to settle for that.”

“Wh-what is it?” Hanako asked. She vaguely recalled an author by the mentioned name, but couldn’t remember of what.

“Have you heard of the movie The Princess Bride?”

Hanako nodded. “I-it was okay.” The truth was, Hanako did enjoy it, but was a bit jealous of Buttercup. She was always jealous of the heroines in romance stories, but she had accepted long ago that there would never be a Westley for her. That didn’t make it hurt any less when she saw a happy couple together or read how the hero saved the girl and they lived happily ever after. She would always be the heroine’s friend, the unimportant side character mentioned only in passing. Her self-pity was interrupted by Angus.

“That movie is from the book I am reading.”

“H-how closely does i-it follow the movie?”

Angus shrugged. “I do not seen the movie yet.”

They lapsed into silence. Hanako was unsure what to think of Angus. By now, he was surely more than an acquaintance, but she wasn’t really sure if he was a friend yet. Certainly not a close friend. Maybe he was like one of those myriad “friends” Lilly had, people who she liked and regularly interacted with at school, but would not go out of her way to spend time with.

By now they had turned a few corners and had reached the outskirts of the far side of town. Angus had stopped in front of a small clearing in the woods the town was situated in through which the larger city was visible. Angus, whoever, saw none of this, since he was looking at a shop on the other side of the street.

“What shop is this?” he asked.

The shop he had enquired about was one Hanako had only heard about in passing from boys in the fantasy section after she had returned from her vacation with Naomi and Natsume. It was likely a new business. The sign had a samurai helmet with crossed swords behind it, and was spelled out in hentaigana.

“I-it’s called ‘Miyagi Traditional A-Armorers.’ I-I think it’s a sw-sword shop.”

“Really?” Angus asked. The inflection he put on it indicated that he wasn’t questioning her truthfulness, but rather the possibility of what she said. He scratched his chin for a moment before asking, “Do you want to go in?”

“S-sure,” Hanako said. Under normal circumstances, she would never want to go into any shop if she didn’t have to, but she had to admit that she was curious about this one.

On the inside, the shop was very messy. Scraps of metal covered the tables in the back of the room, many of which had what looked like heavy duty machinery on them. At the very back there was a low brick structure with a large bellows bag attached to it. Hanako guessed that was a forge. The front of the shop was significantly cleaner, being mostly display cases with wares, kitchen knives, for the most part, on display inside them. Everything in the room seemed grayed out. Angus ran a finger down one of the display cases, leaving a clear trail visible in the gray. Angus’s finger had come away black.

‘Soot’ Hanako realized. She would never stop being amazed at how well she handled fire, of all things. She handled it better than hospitals and crowds, at any rate.

“Hello!” a European man called from the table he was sitting at. He had been hunched so low that Hanako hadn’t noticed him when they entered. “Can I help you with anything?” The man’s Japanese was flawless.

“No, I think we are fine,” he said, looking sideways at Hanako. Hanako shook her head, and he said, “we are just looking.”

Hanako moved over to look at the display cases while Angus wandered further into the shop. She was looking at a set of kitchen knives made with dark wavy lines in the steel, Baghdad steel, she thought it was called, when she overheard the shop owner and Angus speaking.

Although they seemed to be speaking Japanese, Hanako could not understand anything of what they were saying. Sure, she could understand the words well enough, but that didn’t mean she could understand what they were saying. Hanako suddenly caught the feeling that this is what it would be like for a boy to overhear girltalk, or a normal to overhear esoteric nerdspeak. The later was probably exactly what was happening, she reflected, as she moved onto a case with old hinawajuu in it. Hanako found it amusingly strange that she would be the normal. Before long they switched to English, rendering the conversation entirely incomprehensible to her.

Hanako had finished scrutinizing most of the cases by the time Angus was finished speaking to the smith. Most of what was for sale was Japanese, katana, tantou, nodachi, and naginata, as well as a suit of samurai armor, but there were some western pieces; a few bucklers, a suit of Roman armor, and a few flintlocks. She wasn’t sure if they were muskets or rifles, not that she was entirely sure about the difference.

“Did you find anything interesting?” Angus asked as he approached.

Hanako shook her head. “I-it’s all k-kind of interesting, b-but nothing really stands out.”

Angus nodded while glancing over the goods in the store. “Yeah, I am not seeing much that interests me up here, although the gunsmith was working on well maintained French Great War rifle. He does commissions for firearms and it is someone else who can the sword and armor commissions. I shall be interested in looking into that, but we can need to leave soon to get ready for dinner with Lilly anyways.”

Hanako pulled at her left sleeve to look at her own watch. “Y-yeah,” she said. They each took one last look around the shop before leaving. Angus waved back to the gunsmith and said something she didn’t recognize as they left. She wondered if Hisao would be interested in this place.

“Y-you like swords?” she asked as they retraced their route through town.

Angus nodded. “They are very interesting thing,” he said, “although I only know how to use a few types.” With a chuckle, he added, “I can not be able to tell the sharp end from the hilt on a katana.”

“Wh-what’s that supposed to m-mean?”

Angus shrugged. “The bad joke on my part. I prefer European swords. Easier to maintain, easier to learn. Not because they require less skill, but it is just easier to find instructors for European swords in Europe.”

“S-so you know how to f-fight with a sword?”

Angus nodded. “Yes. Traditional European sword fighting is becoming more popular. I think its Japanese equivalent would be kendo.”

“I-I know what HEMA is,” Hanako interrupted. Technically true, but she knew no more of it than she did of kenjutsu, which is to say, effectively nothing other than its description.

“Oh,” Angus said, “not many people know about it where I am from. It is growing, but the community is still small.”

“I g-guess that makes sense. Uh, wh-what exactly do y-you do?”

“I actually know two styles: claymore and Polish saber. The use of the two weapons is similar enough that learning both was not too hard. My friend Yuri does German and Italian longsword.”

“Uh, w-wow,” Hanako managed. Again, Hanako didn’t quite understand the full meaning of the words, but she knew enough for a general picture. Sabers were curved, one-handed swords, like those used in One Thousand and One Nights, and claymores were big, two-handed swords used in Braveheart. Longswords were longswords, but she wasn’t quite sure what the difference between the German and Italian ones would be. Hanako tried picturing Angus and Yuri fighting together side by side, Angus holding a giant claymore over his head in a two-handed grip, ready to strike, with Yuri holding her shield in front of her to protect both of them, her sword held down at an angle. In her mind, Yuri was a lithe and thin girl, only a few centimeters shorter than Angus, with long, flowing, black hair. She found it easier to imagine Angus in a situation like that than she did to imagine him sitting calmly and reading, or playing a game of chess, despite having seen him do those very things.
Eventually, they made it to the bus stop for Angus to head into the city. She left him there, waiting for the bus to come.


Hanako was waiting at the bus stop with Lilly and Hisao, and Akira and her boyfriend. Hanako was wearing a Western-style dress that went down to the ankles, with sleeves that reached her wrists. The dress was made of a soft fabric, and the bodice was a deep violet, only a few shades lighter than her hair, with skirts slashed with lavender and pink embroidery around the hem, collar, and cuffs. Hanako was wearing black high-heeled shoes with thick heels about six centimeters tall and matching black hose. The shoes had pink flowers on them. Hanako wore her hair down and to the back, as it always was. Lilly was wearing a simple, ankle-length dress made of crimson silk. The sleeves on her dress were short and ruffled, and the dress was belted to her waist by a sash of the same color as the rest of the dress. Lilly had decided to wear her hair loose, draped down her back and over her shoulders. A lily bud hairpin kept her hair out of her face. Akira was dressed in the only way Hanako had ever seen her: her signature pinstripe suit.

That was an exaggeration; Hanako had seen Akira in casual clothes before, yesterday, in fact, though it was a rare occurrence. Hanako thought the suit fit her body better anyways. Hanako had been surprised when she saw what Akira’s boyfriend was wearing: a suit that could be the very twin of Akira’s. Hanako would not be at all surprised if they came from the same tailor. Hisao, who had his arm wrapped around Lilly’s waist, was dressed in a striking tuxedo that made his shoulders appear wider than she knew them to be. Hanako could barely keep herself from looking at Hisao. The sight of him and Lilly together sent a prick of jealousy through her, but at the same time, she was genuinely happy that her two closest friends could find love in each other. The conflicting emotions confused her and she briefly lamented that things were much easier when her only friends were her books, herself, and her. This was not a serious thought, as she knew she would take this any day over her previous isolation.

Hanako could see Angus through the windows as the bus pulled up. The five of them got on, Akira handling the fee, and took up seats on the near-empty bus around Angus. Hisao and Lilly took the seats across the aisle from him and Akira and her boyfriend took the row in front of him. This left her with the choice of either sitting with him or by herself. While she would rather sit by herself, she didn’t want to risk a complete stranger getting on the bus at some later point and sitting with her. This made her obvious choice to be to sit with Angus, which she did.

Angus was wearing a black suit that seemed as if it had been specifically tailored for him. Considering he was from a rather wealthy family, it probably was. It was fairly average, aside from its large size and the tie he wore with it. The tie was mostly red, with a crosshatch of purple bars across it. Where the purple bars met each other they became blue squares.

Hanako had just seated herself when Angus said, “You look nice,” causing her to blush and turn away. He continued by adding, “Lilly too.”

“Wh-what about A-Akira?”

Angus looked like he was about to say something, but stopped. Hanako could see his eyes widen a little and he swallowed before speaking. “Akira looks as nice as she always does,” was what he managed to say. Hanako turned just in time to see the face Akira used to feign innocence poking over her seat back. Akira slid down in her seat to return her attention to her boyfriend, leaving them alone.

‘Is Angus afraid of Akira?’ Hanako thought. It was a reasonable fear, Hanako decided, though Angus might not realize it. Although she had never experienced it herself, from what little Akira had told her about her job, it sounded like she would be able to talk the ears off Shizune, if she ever had a reason to.

The bus ride down to the city was largely uneventful. Hanako watched the lights pass by through the window behind Angus’s head, wondering where Lilly had planned for them to eat. She didn’t expect Angus to know either, so she didn’t ask.

Lilly got up, causing Hanako and the rest of the group to do the same, and exited the bus a few stops later than their normal stop. Lilly, hanging on to and guided by Hisao’s arm, led them through the crowded streets of the city. They had been able to form up in a rough two-by-three formation, with Hanako in the center of the left column, Angus beside her. This was partly by design, so she could hide her scars from any passing glances. Even so, she felt the gaze of every single person in the street outside of their group linger on her. She knew it wasn’t real, but that didn’t stop her from imagining the looks of horror and disgust on their faces once they saw her deformity.

While Lilly led them down the streets, Hanako wondered if she was taking them to the restaurant she and Hisao had visited on their date. The restaurant Lilly led them into was, in fact, not the same as the one she and Hisao had visited, but it was still very fancy. It was a foreign place, French, Hanako guessed. The hostess brought them to a large circular table in a room off from the main hall. There were a number of similar sized tables scattered around the room.

Once they had settled Hisao started to speak. Akira’s boyfriend spoke over him, though, leaving Hisao unable to say what he wanted to.

“Angus, is it?” he asked. Angus nodded confirmation before he continued, “we haven’t really had a chance to speak much before now?” It seemed to be a rhetorical question, as he continued without waiting for an answer. “What’s it like living in Scotland?”

Angus seemed a bit surprised by the question, but did not show it too much. “I could think Akira or Lilly would answer your question,” he said.

Toriyama shook his head. “They’ve visited, but they don’t actually live there. Certainly not as long as you.”

“I guess that is true, though I am not the best person to ask. Life for the rich in one place is more similar to the life of the rich across the globe than it is for the middle and working classes anywhere.”

“But I’m sure there’s somethings that are similar. We don’t have bagpipers playing through the night here.”

“Neither do we,” Angus pointed out, “though my sister cdoes play them. Not the Great Highland Bagpipe, but she does play.”

Hanako’s curiosity, as well as that of the table in general, seemed to increase. Lilly said, “I didn’t know your sister plays the pipes.”

“I didn’t realize there were different types of bagpipes,” Hisao added.

Angus sighed. “Yes, Mars plays three different types, though there are a lot more.” Before anyone could ask what she played, Angus answered, “She plays the Irish pipes, the Galician gaita, and the Greater Polish bagpipes. She is rather good with all three of them.” He numbered them off on his fingers, as if reciting them.

All of the Japanese at the table, aside from Akira and Lilly, seemed impressed. “Do you know how to play any instruments?” Toriyama asked.

Angus shook his head. “No, I am the singer of the family.” The group was less impressed, but Hisao seemed to remember something.

“Yeah, you singing something a few days ago at the school gate. What was the song?”

“That were ‘Men of Harlech,’ the rendition from Zulu. It is a Welsh song.” No one else was familiar with either the song or whatever the song was from.

A waitress came up to take their drink order, and after everyone had ordered theirs, Akira asked for a bottle of nihonshu. Angus was about say something, but grunted instead. When the waitress left he reached down to rub his leg while glaring at Akira, who had on a completely innocent face and was definitely not guilty of anything mischievous whatsoever.

Before more questions could be asked, Angus seized the initiative and said, “You know, I know not much about you, Hisao. If you stay with Lilly, then we should likely be seeing much more of each other, family connections, and all.”

“I guess that’s fair,” Hisao said. “What do you want to know?”

Angus shrugged. “Hobbies, friends, that sort of thing.”

Hisao thought. “Well, I do like to read, and I play chess a bit. As for friends, that would be Hanako and Kenji, I guess. Lilly too, if you count girlfriends.”


They had finished their meal, and were starting on the next bottle of nihonshu. The stuff they were drinking must have been stronger than the wine Akira had delivered for her birthday, since she was already feeling a bit tipsy, despite having only…

Hanako couldn’t remember how many glasses she had had, but was reasonably sure it had been no more than three. Probably.

“Akira, don’t you think we’ve had enough,” Hisao asked, only slightly slurring his words.

Lilly, who had had the least out of any of them, said, “I think we can handle another glass, or two, Hisao.” Hanako agreed.

Leaning onto Hisao, she said, “Yeah, Lilly’s right.” The words came out funny, causing Hanako to frown.

Akira laughed and said, “However much more we can take, I think Hanako’s had enough for tonight.”

Hanako pouted and pulled herself off of Hisao. She planned to say, “I have not,” but overcompensated and found herself leaning on Angus instead. He was surprisingly soft, for someone who looked so muscular. This elicited chuckles from the entire group, aside from Lilly, who couldn’t see what was funny, for obvious reasons.

“This should probably be our last bottle,” Angus said. His accent was thicker than usual, but otherwise he seemed unaffected. Akira agreed, and then finished pouring the bottle into thier glasses.

“Now, where was I?” Angus asked.

“You were telling us what you thought of Lilly when you first met her,” Hisao said.

“Right,” Angus said, taking a sip from his glass. “Well, to be perfectly honest, I was surprised at how independent she was.” Akira’s eyes narrowed, and Lilly had a cautious expression. Angus took a longer drink before continuing. “Akira, too. You may not believe how many bluebloods,” here Angus used the English terminology, “types I have met that shall not even tie their own bootlaces. Helpless as a, uh, something really helpless, the whole lot of them.” Akira and Lilly seemed to relax a bit. “Feth, but Lilly is a better cook than me.”

“I am glad you have such a high opinion of me,” Lilly said. Hanako couldn’t tell if the red in her face was from the alcohol or not.
‘She has two boys fawning over her? That’s not fair,’ Hanako thought. Even her thoughts were becoming slurred at this point.


Hanako smiled up at Angus as they rode the bus back to Yamaku town. She had tried to sit with Hisao, but couldn’t fit for some reason, so she had been forced to sit with Angus again. That wasn’t so bad, but she would have preferred Hisao. He smiled back weakly at her and patted her head uncertainly. ‘Heh. Headpats,’ she thought. She hadn’t been headpatted since she had been in the orphanage with…

She refused to let that train of thought head any further. Even in her drunkenness she could recognize letting it play out would be a disaster. She tried to find something else to think about, but the motion of the bus, combined with the warmth in her gut and the fuzziness in her brain lulled her to sleep.


Angus found himself standing next to Akira, waiting for the train to Tokyo to come in. His head was a bit sore from last night, but it didn’t matter. The train would not wait for him.

“I didn’t realize you were leaving today too,” he said, in English.

“Yeah, this was my last week here. All my stuff’s already at my parent’s house so all I have to do is fly into Heathrow and take the train up.”

“Some house,” Angus snorted.

Akira raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t your house modeled after the palace at Versailles?”

Angus raised his hands defensively. “No. It’s done in the same style, but no, it’s not based off the palace. That’s not important anyways,” Angus protested. He didn’t explain what was important though, since he knew Akira was right about what mattered.

“Think we’ll be on the same plane back?” Akira asked.

Angus shook his head. “Probably not. I’m only going to the airport at Munich. I’ll take the train from there.”

Akira seemed surprised. “Why not go all the way to Heathrow? I know you can afford it.”

Angus grimaced. “I can’t stand those Flying Death Traps. If I had my way, I’d never step foot in one again.”

“So why not just take a boat to Vladivostok-”

“And deal with the Russians? No thanks. If there’s anything I hate more than Flying Death Traps, its Communists.”

“But Russia isn’t Communist anymore.”

Angus tapped his temple with his finger a few times as he said, “That’s what they want you to think.”

At that point, the train pulled up. They both boarded, and began their trips back to Inverness.
Last edited by Emps on Wed Oct 03, 2018 8:15 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"I can already tell this is going to be a roller-coaster ride of disappointment" - Me

lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:11 am

and was spelled out in hentaigana.
In what??? :lol:
Although they seemed to be speaking Japanese, Hanako could not understand anything of what they were saying. Sure, she could understand the words well enough, but that didn’t mean she could understand what they were saying.
His Japanese is not good enough to read, but he can hold a conversation about a very specialized niche topic that even a native can't follow? It's probably the most common problem with foreign OCs. Their Japanese is way better than it has any right to be. In this case it's also inconsistent. It would probably have been better to decide stuff like this before even starting to write the story.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Hesmiyu
Posts: 177
Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2015 7:07 am
Location: England, United Kingdom, British Isles, Europe, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Hesmiyu » Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:45 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:11 am
and was spelled out in hentaigana.
In what??? :lol:
I looked it up and it is a real thing. C. 800 - 1900 CE

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hentaigana
The line below is false.
The line above is true.

Being disabled is just differently abled differently labelled.

My art: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=51&t=10190
Swim story(Currently 11 chapters long) http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=10221

User avatar
Emps
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:07 pm
Location: Golden Throne

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Emps » Thu Sep 06, 2018 4:43 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:11 am
and was spelled out in hentaigana.
In what??? :lol:
Hentaigana is the Japanese equivalent to Ye Olde Englishe Texte Fonte.
Although they seemed to be speaking Japanese, Hanako could not understand anything of what they were saying. Sure, she could understand the words well enough, but that didn’t mean she could understand what they were saying.
His Japanese is not good enough to read, but he can hold a conversation about a very specialized niche topic that even a native can't follow? It's probably the most common problem with foreign OCs. Their Japanese is way better than it has any right to be. In this case it's also inconsistent. It would probably have been better to decide stuff like this before even starting to write the story.
As far as Angus's understanding of Japanese, he learned Japanese in the context of his family's steel business and their relationship with the Satous. He learned how to speak it out of courtesy, but never needed to learn how to read it beyond romaji.
"I can already tell this is going to be a roller-coaster ride of disappointment" - Me

lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Sep 06, 2018 6:11 pm

He learned how to speak it out of courtesy, but never needed to learn how to read it beyond romaji.
Do you even realize what that sounds like?
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Emps
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:07 pm
Location: Golden Throne

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Emps » Thu Sep 06, 2018 6:38 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Sep 06, 2018 6:11 pm
He learned how to speak it out of courtesy, but never needed to learn how to read it beyond romaji.
Do you even realize what that sounds like?
It sounds like he spoke with people but all written documents were in English?
"I can already tell this is going to be a roller-coaster ride of disappointment" - Me

lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Sep 06, 2018 6:50 pm

Exactly. He learned a foreign language - well enough to be perfectly fluent in it - simply because he felt like being polite by just talking to some business partners without ever taking a single formal lesson or using any study materials at all.
I'm not sure if you've ever learned any foreign language, but it doesn't work that way.

Remember how in your first draft your character was a total Mary Sue? You've toned it down considerably, but he is still well into Mary Sue territory...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Emps
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:07 pm
Location: Golden Throne

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Emps » Thu Sep 06, 2018 7:05 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Sep 06, 2018 6:50 pm
Exactly. He learned a foreign language - well enough to be perfectly fluent in it
He's not supposed to be perfectly fluent. He knows enough to deal with his business and to get around, but that's it.
"I can already tell this is going to be a roller-coaster ride of disappointment" - Me

lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:26 am

He's not supposed to be perfectly fluent. He knows enough to deal with his business and to get around, but that's it.
In all the chapters so far he has never once used incorrect grammar or looked for some vocabulary he was missing.
Random sentence from the previous chapter:
Well, to be perfectly honest, I was surprised at how independent she was. Akira, too. You wouldn’t believe how many of these high-born types I have met that cannot even make a sandwich for themselves. Helpless as a newborn kitten, the whole lot of them.
If anyone can hold a conversation, complete with subordinate clauses and idiom use - while drunk - then they are fluent in that language.

We only get to see what you write down. It is possible that his Japanese is imperfect in your head, but if you want to get that across to your readers you have to put in some effort. And to get imperfect language across is hard enough if the text is written in the language they are supposed to be speaking (in this case Japanese). It is exponentially harder to express someone speaking Japanese imperfectly while writing in English...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Emps
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:07 pm
Location: Golden Throne

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Emps » Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:18 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:26 am

We only get to see what you write down. It is possible that his Japanese is imperfect in your head, but if you want to get that across to your readers you have to put in some effort. And to get imperfect language across is hard enough if the text is written in the language they are supposed to be speaking (in this case Japanese). It is exponentially harder to express someone speaking Japanese imperfectly while writing in English...
I was concerned that was what was happening. It doesn't help that I'm not fluent in Japanese either, so I have no idea how he would sound after translating it to English. Even if I did, I'm not sure I would be able to write it in a way that wouldn't reduce reader comprehension.

Actually, I wonder if it would be smart to add in "translator's notes" as kind of a gag.
"I can already tell this is going to be a roller-coaster ride of disappointment" - Me

lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

User avatar
Hesmiyu
Posts: 177
Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2015 7:07 am
Location: England, United Kingdom, British Isles, Europe, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Hesmiyu » Thu Sep 13, 2018 3:42 am

Emps wrote:
Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:18 pm
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:26 am

We only get to see what you write down. It is possible that his Japanese is imperfect in your head, but if you want to get that across to your readers you have to put in some effort. And to get imperfect language across is hard enough if the text is written in the language they are supposed to be speaking (in this case Japanese). It is exponentially harder to express someone speaking Japanese imperfectly while writing in English...
I was concerned that was what was happening. It doesn't help that I'm not fluent in Japanese either, so I have no idea how he would sound after translating it to English. Even if I did, I'm not sure I would be able to write it in a way that wouldn't reduce reader comprehension.

Actually, I wonder if it would be smart to add in "translator's notes" as kind of a gag.
Could have him trip up on words and when he doesn't know it, he starts speaking English for the words he doesn't know. Could be a fun way to have misinterprete wordy situations. It is a way I'd do it, and plan to in mine. :)
The line below is false.
The line above is true.

Being disabled is just differently abled differently labelled.

My art: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=51&t=10190
Swim story(Currently 11 chapters long) http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=10221

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Sep 13, 2018 12:32 pm

Well, a good way to start would be to
- use short sentences
- don't use idioms
- use incorrect grammar in some places (ideally consistently the same things)
- have him pause to think at certain intervals
- also what Hesmiyu said.
Using the previous sentence as an example
Well, to be perfectly honest, I was surprised at how independent she was. Akira, too. You wouldn’t believe how many of these high-born types I have met that cannot even make a sandwich for themselves. Helpless as a newborn kitten, the whole lot of them.
would become something like
Really, I was surprised she was so... independent? Akira, too. You will not believe how many rich people may* not cook. Completely helpless.
*The next level would be to use mistakes that would be typical for the languages in question. For Japanese and English a good example would be auxiliary words. Japanese does not have them, so every can, may, must, should etc has to be expressed by a special piece of grammar. So it is plausible that an English person learning Japanese might mix those up a lot. In this case you have an English person, trying to speak Japanese which you translate back to english for your audience, but still mixing up auxilliary words is something one can easily and consistently do.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Emps
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:07 pm
Location: Golden Throne

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Emps » Thu Sep 13, 2018 5:22 pm

Hesmiyu wrote:
Thu Sep 13, 2018 3:42 am

Could have him trip up on words and when he doesn't know it, he starts speaking English for the words he doesn't know. Could be a fun way to have misinterprete wordy situations. It is a way I'd do it, and plan to in mine. :)
That could work.
Well, a good way to start would be to
- use short sentences
- don't use idioms
- use incorrect grammar in some places (ideally consistently the same things)
- have him pause to think at certain intervals
As far as idioms go, I was thinking it'd be funnier to just have him use the literal translation of the original saying, thought that might be hard to represent in text without disrupting story flow by having characters lampshade it in their thoughts, or a translator's note
*The next level would be to use mistakes that would be typical for the languages in question. For Japanese and English a good example would be auxiliary words. Japanese does not have them, so every can, may, must, should etc has to be expressed by a special piece of grammar. So it is plausible that an English person learning Japanese might mix those up a lot. In this case you have an English person, trying to speak Japanese which you translate back to english for your audience, but still mixing up auxilliary words is something one can easily and consistently do.
It's more convoluted than that, since it would be Scots Gaelic translated into Japanese, then translated into English, since that's his native and most used language.
"I can already tell this is going to be a roller-coaster ride of disappointment" - Me

lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5772
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Sep 13, 2018 6:37 pm

As far as idioms go, I was thinking it'd be funnier to just have him use the literal translation of the original saying, thought that might be hard to represent in text without disrupting story flow by having characters lampshade it in their thoughts, or a translator's note
To go for a joke like that you would have to speak Japanese yourself. Since you don't, don't even try.
It's more convoluted than that, since it would be Scots Gaelic translated into Japanese, then translated into English, since that's his native and most used language.
:shock:

Are you serious?

If he is a Scot, his native language is English!
Only about 1% of Scots are even able to speak Gaelic. Only half of them are fully literate in it. NONE of them have Gaelic as their native tongue.
The last native Gaelic speaker died in the 1970s.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Emps
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:07 pm
Location: Golden Throne

Re: Unforeseen Consequences, Katawa Shoujo Forums Edition

Post by Emps » Thu Sep 13, 2018 7:40 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Thu Sep 13, 2018 6:37 pm

If he is a Scot, his native language is English!
Only about 1% of Scots are even able to speak Gaelic. Only half of them are fully literate in it. NONE of them have Gaelic as their native tongue.
The last native Gaelic speaker died in the 1970s.
Actually, I think most Scots' native language is Scots, which is mutually intelligible with English, but still considered a separate language.

Even so, his world is slightly different from ours. Differences will become more apparent as the story progresses, but that's one of them. That said, Scots Gaelic is still a minority tongue only spoken in the Highlands. Welsh and Irish are also more widely spoken, but majority tongue is still English.
"I can already tell this is going to be a roller-coaster ride of disappointment" - Me

lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

Post Reply