A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

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Kobrahawk1210
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A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Kobrahawk1210 » Fri May 25, 2018 5:53 pm

Hello good people of KS Renai! This is a pretty hefty project I'm taking on that will probably take me a long time to finish, so I apologize for that head of time. Constructive criticisms are always welcome, and I do hope you'll enjoy the story I craft as I make my way through it. This fic takes place starting with Scene One of Act Two, after the Kenji route, more commonly referred to as the "manly picnic" ending.



Table of Contents
Act Two: Puzzles
Part One
Part Two
Last edited by Kobrahawk1210 on Tue Nov 06, 2018 9:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Kobrahawk1210 » Fri May 25, 2018 5:56 pm

Act Two, Part One




The sound of shuffling feet and an incessant beeping. The clean scent of sterility. A pounding ache in my head… no… everywhere. Where am I? Did I die?

My eyes open, only to immediately close as my senses are assaulted with a blinding light coupled with a worsening headache. Squinting, I manage to get a look at my surroundings; I’m lying on a plain white bed, in a plain white room, under a plain white ceiling, and there’s someone in a plain white… The hospital?

Alright, Nakai. Just piece it together, bit by bit. There was a festival, and Kenji was in there somewhere. There was whiskey, I think? And I fell off the roof. That’s right… a fitting end to a truly, truly bad day.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Nakai,” the man in the pristine white coat says. “My name is Dr. Yamamoto. How are you feeling?”

I open my mouth to speak, and nothing but a rough croak makes its way out before I fall into a coughing fit, doubling up as much as is possible with all of the things they have wired to me, and the stiff casting on my lower body I only now notice. Yamamoto strides to a counter and pours a glass of water, handing it to me when I’m done keeling over in pain. I gulp it down in an instant, relieving myself of the parched feeling in my throat. “I’m fine,” I manage to mumble noncommittally, as if I could be anything close right now.

“That’s good,” he affirms in a dismissive tone, as if he only asked because it was proper. “If you’ll give me a few minutes now that you’re awake, there’s a few things I need to check.” I offer a small nod, staring a hole in the wall while his hands poke and prod me, nothing more to be said than the occasional “Does this hurt?” or “Are you sore here?” The answer is yes every time. Why do doctors always have cold hands?

The worst of it is laying on my stomach. No, I guess the worst of it was flipping onto my stomach, since the laying isn’t so bad once I’m there. Between sharp breaths from the pain, I manage to query, “How long have I been here?”

“Just over three weeks. You would’ve woken up sooner, but we kept you under anesthetics to shield you from the brunt of the pain while we took care of your more serious wounds,” he murmurs, running a hand along my spine. “You’re very lucky to even be alive right now, Mr. Nakai. Most people don’t survive a fall from the height you did, let alone people with a serious heart condition.”

Yeah, lucky me… I stay silent for the remainder of the examination, save answering his questions. Minutes crawl by like miniature eternities before he finally coughs and speaks, “Alright, that’s all I should need. Everything looks ship shape. Well, as ship shape as can be, given your current condition. With a few days of rest you should be able to leave, albeit in a wheelchair until your legs heal up. Once the cast comes off, you might need some physical therapy to walk again, but we’ll take that as it comes. Feeling up to any visitors?”

The question comes out of the blue, catching me off guard. “Um, sure,” I shrug, not sure who would even visit me. Kenji seems like he wouldn’t trust hospitals as far as he could throw them, and I’m not on notably good terms with anyone else.

Yamamoto strolls to the door, saying a few muffled words as he peers through it, and in come… Oh, right. I still have parents. The months we’ve been apart somehow feel a lot longer, now that they’re here in front of me again. Mom’s dyed her hair darker, and Dad has shaved all his off, but other than that, they look just like the mom and dad I left after the last time I ended up in a hospital.

None of us speak for a few moments, the sound of the door closing behind Yamamoto and the various machines hooked to me the only things invading the silence. Both of them stare at me as I glance between them, unsure of what to say. Thinking of something, however, is pushed to the side as mom suddenly bursts into tears and cries, “Hisao!” She flings herself onto me, arms wrapping around my neck, as she sobs into my shoulder. Dad offers only a small, relieved smile as help, and I gingerly reach over to pat her on the back.

“Hey Mom, Dad,” I say, giving them a polite smile. “Been a while, hasn’t it?”

Dad takes a seat in one of the chairs stationed in my room and puts a hand on my shoulder, chuckling, “Seems like we only ever see you in a hospital gown now, son,” only to receive instant beratement from Mom. I manage the first smile I have in what feels like months. Always joking, no matter how grim the situation… that’s my dad, alright.

A few hours pass as we go through what’s normal for these situations: concern, crying, anger over the alcohol, the whole nine. Dad gets it; teenagers break rules, it’s just how they are. But it takes a while for Mom to come around, reluctantly forgiving me when Dad mentions I learned my lesson in nearly the worst way possible. Then we spend a while catching up; how are my classes? Do you get along with your teachers? Have you made any friends?

I hesitate as I think of Kenji - he’s the only person I feel like I could even call my friend at Yamaku, but is he really? I mean, I dread running into him in the hallways, and every conversation with him turns into a rant about feminists and him telling me I need to come check out his charts. I decide against it. “Not really… I’ve met a few nice people, and I’ve spent a bit of time hanging out with the student council president, since she and her interpreter showed me around school. But other than that I’ve mostly been focused on getting up to speed with the schoolwork.”

“Interpreter?” Dad questions, before I explain that she’s deaf. It’s almost like he’s forgotten that Yamaku is a school for freaks.

“Well, I’m happy to hear you haven’t been slacking on your studies,” Mom says, beaming with joy. “Academics are very important, after all. You don’t want to end up shut out from a nice university.” Glad to see she hasn’t changed. Mom was always trying to make sure I kept up with my schoolwork, when she did see me.

Eventually, Yamamoto makes his way back in, clears his throat, and announces that it would probably be for the best if I got some rest now. I stifle a yawn that creeps up almost as if to affirm his statement, and nod to my parents. “Will you be here tomorrow?”

“Yes,” Mom says without missing a bit, straightening her dress as she rises from her chair. “We’ll see you tomorrow, Hicchan. We love you,” she finishes with a wave as she and Dad make their way out.

“Love you too, guys.”

The few days until I get to leave pass pretty quickly. My parents spend pretty much all their time in my room, and have even brought me a couple books to read when they’re not around. The hospital’s cafe is surprisingly high quality, and I definitely missed playing chess with my dad. All things considered, my recovery is going pretty well.

On the final afternoon, Mom comes back from the bathroom and stands nervously in the doorway. “What’s up?” I ask, nonchalantly moving a knight across the chess board Dad and I are playing on, hoping he doesn’t notice I’m aiming for his queen.

“There’s someone here to see you, Hisao,” she begins, slowly. “I thought it would be a nice surprise.” She leans her head out into the hallway and chimes, “Come on in, dear.”

In walks the last person I ever thought I would see again. Iwanako…

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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Fri May 25, 2018 8:21 pm

I open my mouth to speak, and nothing but a rough croak makes its way out before I fall into a coughing fit, doubling up as much as is possible with all of the things they have wired to me, and the stiff casting on my lower body I only now notice.

I think this sentence is a bit run on and could be made into two, and the wording at the end is a bit weird. Perhaps:

"I open my mouth to speak but can only manage a rough croak before a coughing fit overtakes me. The fit doubles me over as much as the wires and tubes will allow, causing me to notice that my lower body has been encased in a stiff casting."

None of us speak for a few moments, the sound of the door closing behind Yamamoto and the various machines hooked to me the only things invading the silence.

I think the second part of the sentence is awkward. Maybe:

"None of us speak at first, our silence broken only by the closing of the door and the beeping of whatever machines I'm hooked up to."

Just suggestions for what re-written sentences might look like, obviously you can change the wording around however you prefer. Also:

It’s almost like he’s forgotten that Yamaku is a school for freaks.

Freaks? Yowch! That seems a bit harsh compared to anything I remember Hisao saying in the game. But maybe your version of him is pissed off after getting the manly picnic.

Overall thoughts: Good! I like it and can't criticize you on anything major. I think you have a good premise with starting from the manly picnic ending so next I look forward to seeing where you take Iwanako and Hisao (literally--assuming that Iwanako isn't somehow attending Yamaku herself, they'll need somewhere to be outside of the game and its fics' typical setting!).

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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon May 28, 2018 10:25 am

Given that the hospital he is in is quite a way from Hisao's hometown it's a bit unlikely that his parents can spend so much time there over several days... or that Iwanako would be able to visit him there.
Not sure if you're planning on giving an explanation for that. It's the kind of thing that is a problem for most attempted Iwanako routes...

Another thing is that I don't think Hisao is on quite such bad terms with most of his classmates at the time of the manly picnic as most stories that use it as a premise make it out to be. But that might just be me having "Constant Companion" as my headcanon continuation of this ending...

Other than that the story is fine so far.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Downix » Mon May 28, 2018 1:43 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon May 28, 2018 10:25 am
Given that the hospital he is in is quite a way from Hisao's hometown it's a bit unlikely that his parents can spend so much time there over several days... or that Iwanako would be able to visit him there.
Not sure if you're planning on giving an explanation for that. It's the kind of thing that is a problem for most attempted Iwanako routes...

Another thing is that I don't think Hisao is on quite such bad terms with most of his classmates at the time of the manly picnic as most stories that use it as a premise make it out to be. But that might just be me having "Constant Companion" as my headcanon continuation of this ending...

Other than that the story is fine so far.
I'd figured that with him stable they may have transferred him to a hospital near his parents rather than keep him near the school. If that is the case then a visit from anyone of his old friends would be rather simple to handle.

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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Kobrahawk1210 » Tue May 29, 2018 6:09 pm

Downix wrote:
Mon May 28, 2018 1:43 pm
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon May 28, 2018 10:25 am
Given that the hospital he is in is quite a way from Hisao's hometown it's a bit unlikely that his parents can spend so much time there over several days... or that Iwanako would be able to visit him there.
Not sure if you're planning on giving an explanation for that. It's the kind of thing that is a problem for most attempted Iwanako routes...

Another thing is that I don't think Hisao is on quite such bad terms with most of his classmates at the time of the manly picnic as most stories that use it as a premise make it out to be. But that might just be me having "Constant Companion" as my headcanon continuation of this ending...

Other than that the story is fine so far.
I'd figured that with him stable they may have transferred him to a hospital near his parents rather than keep him near the school. If that is the case then a visit from anyone of his old friends would be rather simple to handle.
How his parents and Iwanako are able to visit him is something I plan to give an explanation for later. I've tried not to fall into the same pit traps I see many new authors fall into, mainly writing themselves into corners with things they have declared as canon (in their fic, at least) and then not being able to get around it.

As for the bad terms with his classmates, notsomuch, but he's in a pretty dark place right now. The manly picnic ending can be had either by spreading yourself too thin between the girls, or by committing to none of them- so I opted to have Hisao feel like he doesn't really have any ties to anyone else, especially given his grim mindset as of right now.

I really appreciate the feedback, thanks :D

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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Hesmiyu » Tue Jun 05, 2018 3:47 am

Interesting.

Is Iwanako about to give poor old Hisao another flutter? :P

I like the premise and hope to read more :). says the guy whose taken an 11 month hiatus lol
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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by ArtLucio » Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:41 am

It seems that there is some curse in this forum!

Every story about iwanako tends not to continue!

I hope you continue in the future because the story is very interesting.

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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Kobrahawk1210 » Mon Nov 05, 2018 5:02 am

It's not dead, huzzah! Part two is currently being run through with my editors, who have kindly agreed to point out all of the grammatical mistakes I make and run on sentences I use. Sorry for the long break- I go through phases of being really into writing, and really not, and I just happened to leave my writing phase shortly after finishing part one of this :cry:

I'm going through a bit of a career change at the moment so it'll probably be another month or so before I have time to really sit down and get cracking on this project again, but once I've settled in I will have all the time in the world. Got a new job trucking, so plenty of time on the road while my partner is driving to get some work done! Stay tuned for part two :D

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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Kobrahawk1210 » Tue Nov 06, 2018 9:10 pm

Act Two, Part Two




“Um, hi, Hisao.”

I can’t believe my eyes; is Iwanako really here? Or is this some trick conjured up from the side effects of my heavy medication?

“Iwanako, hi. Uh, have a seat?” What do you even say in a situation like this? Everything I wanted to tell her after that first stay in the hospital rushes to mind, but so much of it almost sounds cruel when I’m put face to face with her. And how do you even mention any of that, anyways? So remember that time three months ago when you basically abandoned me to deal with my disability? I mean hell, it’s not like I could expect her to stick around, anyways. She barely knew me, what more could I have expected from her?

Speaking of which, she barely knew me. What is she even doing here? None of my friends from before the transfer have even come to visit me, and yet Iwanako of all people stands in front of my bed, here to see me during possibly the worst times of my life.

The thin girl tenderly sits on the edge of a chair, sweeping her skirt underneath her legs so it’s not in the way. It’s only now that I notice the envelope she’s holding, but I decide against mentioning it just yet. I’m still reeling over the fact that she’s here.

We sit in an awkward silence for a few minutes as my parents excuse themselves from the room, leaving us alone. My eyes find the floor and stick to them, and I can’t bring myself to look at her. After a painfully long moment, she finally asks, “So, how is your new school?”

“It’s okay, I guess. Nothing special really,” I reply flatly. Finally looking at her as I speak, I am mildly surprised to find my eyes meet hers immediately. Shying away, I turn my gaze to one of my many devices, adjusting the angle of my bed, pretending to busy myself with it.

Polite smile never leaving her face, she continues, “And how are you doing? Settling into it well?”

Hah, as if. I would go so far as to say this is the exact opposite of settling in well. “Yeah, it’s been alright. Classes are just about where I left off so I’m not really too far behind. Library’s big, so plenty of material to read…” I trail off, fidgeting with my blanket. I honestly did not think that I could be more uncomfortable in a hospital, but this turn of events has really topped it. I must be losing my mind.

“Hisao…” Iwanako stops, pausing for a second. “You can talk to me. I don’t want to leave you hanging like I did last time.”

If she really wants to know, then fine, I’ll give it to her. Dropping all pretense, I respond, “Alright then. I’m terrible, Iwanako. I’m in a hospital after falling five stories because I stupidly decided to get drunk on a roof with the one person at school that likes me, even though I’m not really sure I like him. I’m only even at that school ‘cause I’m a broken person with a defective heart that can never live a normal life. I spent months in the hospital alone, and got out only to end up in another one, and I did it to myself! I can’t come to terms with my new life, I end up back in a stupid hospital, and now to top it all off, you’re here!”

By the end of it, I’m struggling not to shout, but I can’t help my anger. I glare at the wall, part of me hoping she’ll just leave. I don’t want this right now. I don’t need this right now. I just want to forget any of this has happened, and go back to some semblance of normality, no matter how shallow it would be.

We sit in a shocked silence again, somehow less awkward than last time despite my tyrade. Finally, I hear a pained whisper from her direction, “Do you hate me?”

“No,” I respond, without thinking. It caught me off guard. I was expecting her to maybe storm out, or say she’s sorry and quietly leave. I wasn’t ready for any resistance. Glancing at her from the corner of my eyes, I can see she’s struggling not to cry and the last dregs of my rage drain away. “I wanted to, I think… but what happened isn’t your fault. Even though we weren’t that close, you were the last person to stop visiting. I never knew what to say, but seeing you again now, like this, I just… I still don’t know what to say.

“I hate you seeing me like this, I hate being like this, I hate not knowing why you’re still here after everything that happened. Why you’re the only person from school to visit me now that I’m shacked up here again. None of it makes sense.”

I hate my tendency to ramble in situations like this. Why couldn’t I just shut up and be quiet like the last time I was here? It’d be a heck of a lot easier to deal with and maybe she’d just leave. I don’t even know if I want that anymore, though.

“I… I wrote a letter to you that I was going to send, until I heard you were here. I regretted not being there for you so much, I couldn’t sit by and do nothing when I was offered a second chance to see you. I’m so sorry, Hisao, for everything.”

For the first time since she’s come here, I have the nerve to get a good look at her. Iwanako’s eyes are closed, tears silently pouring out of them. She looks just like she always did- plain jacket, black skirt, long hair well kept and flowing down her back. It almost makes me feel nostalgic, but given the current situation I just feel sick.

“I’m here because I didn’t do right by you last time, Hisao. I watched you grow more and more distant as the weeks passed. I couldn’t help but feel like what happened to you was my fault, even though I knew it wasn’t… There were things I wanted to say that I couldn’t find the words for. After a while, I just couldn’t bear to see you like that anymore.”

Her voice cracks as she continues on, “Seeing you so miserable was gut wrenching, but I could never find the words to comfort you, I couldn’t find the strength to be there when you needed someone, I didn’t know how to tell you…”

At this point, I’m staring. Back when I was first in the hospital, I’d been so absorbed in my own situation that I’d never really stopped to consider how Iwanako was feeling during all of this. It makes total sense that she’d blame herself, feeling like her confession to me was what spurred forth my ailment. “Iwanako, I…

“It’s okay… Really,” I insist meekly, not really sure how to respond. This entire situation flipped on its head in moments, and I’m floundering for words. “It’s not your fault that… You couldn’t have known any of this would have happened.”

I sigh, and we sit in silence once more, Iwanako’s face buried in her hands. By the sounds of it, at least she’s stopped crying. But I really don’t know where to go from here.

We carry on like that for what feels like an eternity, her with her head in her hands and me staring at her unabashedly. Finally, she takes a deep breath and lifts her head, looking at me intensely, eyes still red and puffy. For the first time in a long time, I don’t shy away, offering a small smile.

“I should be going, I think. But…” She hesitates a moment, then steels herself, “Would it be okay if I visit you again before you leave town? I don’t want this to be the note we end on.”

Before I leave town? “Yeah, that’d be fine,” I assure. “I think… with that out of the way, it would be nice to see you again.”

Iwanako smiles, then sets the letter she’s still holding on my bedside table. “I’ll leave this here with you,” she murmers, “in case you want to read it. See you soon, Hisao.”

“See ya, Iwanako.”



. . . .



Moving my knight across the board in one clean motion, I confidently make my move. Turn proceeds to my father, who mutters under his breath, “Oh, you cheeky boy… I see what you’re going for…”

Smiling, I reach over for my glass, taking a long swig of water. As I wipe my mouth, I ask, “Hey, mom? Iwanako mentioned something about me being in town. Did you guys move me from the hospital near Yamaku?”

Without looking up from her book, she replies, “We did, Hicchan.” Pausing a moment, she dog ears the page she was on- a terrible habit I still can’t get her to break- and closes it, continuing, “When we’d heard how long you would be under care, we had you moved as soon as you were stable enough. Yamaku is a ways away from home, and with your father and I working, we wouldn’t have been able to see you. We both put in for time off, which is why we’re here so much right now, but we wanted you close by in case we didn’t get it.” Smiling, she adds, “Besides, it’s been months since you’ve been gone. I would be remiss not to take any opportunity to see my handsome young man when I get the chance!”

“Moooom, stop,” I say laughing, drawing out her name. “You know I hate it when you talk about me like that!” Out of the corner of my eye, I see my father make his move on the chessboard while my attention is elsewhere, then sit back and chuckle while mother teases me. Grinning at him, I bank on my successful feint and make another move without hesitation, removing his queen from the board in one swift motion.

He stares intently at the board before bursting into laughter as my mother leans forward and plants a wet kiss on my forehead, cooing, “No matter how grown up you think you are you’ll always be my baby boy!” I shake her off and wipe my face, laughing along with them. It’s so nice to be with my parents again. I never really understood how much I loved them until they weren’t around for a while.

Things settle and mom goes back to her book, and dad and I focus intently on our chess match. It’s a pretty even game, but eventually, he stands up and stretches, yawning, “Well, we should probably get going. Big day tomorrow!”

“Yeah, big day,” I say, scratching my neck. I’m finally out of here tomorrow, and I can’t wait. Even if I’m just gonna go straight back to school, at least I won’t be cooped up here.

Mom smiles and kisses my head as she moves towards the door. “We’ll see you tomorrow, Hicchan!”

Dad claps me on the shoulder, adding, “Oh, and by the way… Checkmate.” With a grin and a wink, he heads off, taking my mother by the arm.

Glancing down, I stare at the board incredulously. How does he always do that?

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Re: A Roadside Picnic: Iwanako Pseudoroute

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Nov 07, 2018 8:28 am

“Moooom, stop,” I say laughing, drawing out her name.
So her name is "mom"?
I've tried not to fall into the same pit traps I see many new authors fall into, mainly writing themselves into corners with things they have declared as canon (in their fic, at least) and then not being able to get around it.
What always worked for me is to always have a buffer of two or three chapters before posting. That way if something turns out to be inconvenient for further plot development you can easily change it without any retconning.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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