Just Live

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Just Live

Post by Oddball » Tue Jan 16, 2018 9:06 pm

Just Live

Midnight has come and gone. Saki and I are laying undressed on her floor on sheets and blankets we've pulled from her bed and spread out. She claims that sometimes going from the softer mattress to the harder floor helps when she has trouble sleeping. I suppose it's an acquired taste. It's certainly never helped with my insomnia. Like many of her personal preferences in life, I've never gotten used to it. The only good side is that it provides us far more room than the cramped school beds would. I feel safe in saying that they were never meant to be used by more than one person at a time.

The air was still and quiet. Her window was left open to try to let in a breeze. It wasn't helping. All it seemed to do was allow some light from the lamps that illuminated the sidewalks below to seep in. The sum of these parts created a nearly dream like atmosphere. Nothing seems fully real... or maybe that's just the lack of sleep talking. Today was a busy day and she followed it up by a rather strenuous night.

“The people in this school must have been the worst people ever,” she says out of nowhere.

I think to the various friends and acquaintances I've met here. Despite some of their predicaments, most of the students here are friendlier, more sympathetic, and more helpful than any I'd encountered in my past schools. I can't let her statement go unchallenged. It seems unnecessarily cruel.

“I don't know, I think most of the people here are pretty cool,” my reply doesn't seem to match the seriousness of her statement. “in their own way,” I add which doesn't help.

She sighs. After a moment I turn to look at her. Her attention is still focused up at the ceiling like she's starring nothing at all. “That's not what I meant. Do you believe in … I don't know. Karma? Reincarnation?”

In truth I'd never given it much thought. I say, “not really.”

“I believe. I think the reason that we're here is because we were really horrible people in a past life.” The idea is ridiculous, but in the middle of the night, delivered in hushed tone, there's a sense of possibility about it.

“What goes around comes around?” I ask.

“Right. A big cosmic game of you get what you deserve,” she says. There's a hint of a smile on her face. It's a sad melancholy expression. “I must have been the worst.”

“I can't say I believe that. What could you possibly have done to end up like that?” I reply. “You aren't that bad.” I don't even know how bad a person would have to be to get sentenced to her life.

“Maybe I used to be. Maybe I was just one of the worst people ever,” she pauses and I realize this is something she's given serious thought to. “I'm not a good person, Hisao. Not even now. Maybe this is just payback for what I used to be.”

“Then maybe this is just who-ever's way of making you a better person for next time,” I try to follow her logic.

“Rehabilitation instead of punishment?” she seems to be weighing the thought in her mind. It's hard to believe she'd never considered the possibility before.

“It could be that each life is just a chance for us to get better than the last time,” I say. My mind drifts to way this sort of thing could even be possible. If energy can never be created or destroyed and thoughts are just a series of electronic impulses … no. Something about the mood of the room tells me not to try to examine it to closely.

“So, this is just a way to make me better for the next time around...” she says more to herself than me.

“Something like that. If such things are possible,” I reply.

“What if this is it? I'm not a good person now. If something like this couldn't make me a better person, then what?”

I don't know. She's asking me to explain her own beliefs to her. I've never been good at comforting people and even then I've always had something to work with, not just theories and dreams. “You were bad, this time you're better, next time you'll be even better than that.”

After a moment of silence she speaks again. “That sounds too simple. What if being this way has aggravated me to the point where I'm worse than I was a lifetime ago?”

“Then it has,” I say. I'm not even quite sure where she's going with this anymore. “Maybe there are a few bumps along the way so that not even new chance turns out better one.” If she's right, or I'm right, what does that say about my own life?

“In the end though, I guess it all works out the same. You die,” she says. I can't argue with that so I say nothing. She seems dedicated to the idea that her life is punishment for something she never even did. “I've thought about it before, you know. Dying. Actually I've thought about it a lot. I guess, in the end, I'm okay with it. I can't fight it or anything so I really have to be.”

“I try not to think about it too much,” I say.

“I think about it a lot. I've even planned out my last moments. Want to know how I want to die?”

“Old age surrounded by your loved ones?” I suggest.

“As long as we're being unrealistic, sure. I'd also like the ability to fly and shoot lasers from my eyes. No. I mean my real last moments,” even when she's joking her tone doesn't change, and as much as I don't want to know what she's thinking, I feel that I should.

“Go ahead.”

“Years from now, I'm not going to say how many, when I can't eat for myself or use the bathroom, or even breathe without help I'm going to be lying there. Somebody will be holding my hand. I'll ask them if they still think I'm beautiful. He'll look at me, smile, and say 'You look like shit,' Then we'll both laugh. I'll laugh until I stop,” she pauses to give me time to fully comprehend what she means. “That's how I want to go.”

“and do you want me to –?” I ask, not fully giving words to the question.

“I guess you'll do,” she says in a solemn tone. Then there's a short chuckle to let me know her lack of enthusiasm is just a joke. “Seriously though. You're a good person, and whatever it took to make you that way was worth it. Do me a favor. If you ever get a chance to hook up with somebody that's actually good for you, do it.”

“You really want me to dump you if I get a better chance?” I ask.

“Yes. I want that. But don't actually do it, because then I'll hate you,” She smiles. It's a tired smile and I'm not entire sure the emotion behind it.

“You're not going to have to worry about hating me. I have no plans on going anywhere.”

“You never were the smartest guy in the world, but you may be the sweetest. It's just a shame I've messed everything up for us.

“It's my life. I'd rather have it messed up than have it without you.”

“What did I just say? Sweet, but not very bright. We should try this again sometime.”

“I'm up for it anytime you are. I can't think of any way I'd rather spend my nights,” I tell her.

“That wasn't what I meant. Let's meet again. Let's meet again in another life, when we've both have a chance to make up for whatever we did, sometime when we've put all this behind us.” I feel her hand on my chest. Her hand is cold and shaky. She traces her the surgical scars over my heart with her fingers.

“I think I'd like that,” I say.

“Several life times from now … let's meet and fall in love all over again,” she says. Then she laughs. It's a loud humorless fake laugh. “I'm sorry. I get stupid and talk too much when I'm tired. Let's just get some sleep and pretend this conversation never happened. It was dumb anyway.”

“I promise,” I say. There's no way I can ever know if I'll keep that promise or if it's even possible, but right now, I want it to. “How do you think we'll know each other?”

She doesn't answer me. I guess at this point, we've said all we can say.

I close my eyes and wait for sleep to overtake me.
Last edited by Oddball on Sat Mar 24, 2018 7:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Just Live

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:26 pm

Gotta say, this is a really good fic. Brings up some nice thought processes, and it includes saki who I think has great potential as a character. Over all great job!
Last edited by monkeywitha6pack on Thu Jan 18, 2018 11:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Just Live

Post by brythain » Wed Jan 17, 2018 12:37 am

Excellent. If such a thing were to happen, you'd have... the KS2 everyone is hoping for. :D
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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Re: Just Live

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jan 17, 2018 7:46 am

monkeywitha6pack wrote:
Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:26 pm
Gotta say, this is a really good fic. Brings up some nice thought processes, and it includes rika who I think has great potential as a character. Over all great job!
Actually it's about Saki, not Rika.
But yes, very nice story.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Just Live

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Thu Jan 18, 2018 11:04 am

Sorry, I mentally swaped the two names for some reason

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Re: Just Live

Post by azumeow » Fri Jan 19, 2018 2:38 am

Hey could you not make me cry? Thanks bruh
"I don’t want to be here anymore, I know there’s nothing left worth staying for.
Your paradise is something I’ve endured
See I don’t think I can fight this anymore, I’m listening with one foot out the door
And something has to die to be reborn-I don’t want to be here anymore"

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Re: Just Live

Post by Feurox » Fri Jan 19, 2018 8:46 am

Brilliant work, and I absoultely love the idea of the characters having been terrible people in their old lives, and punished for it in their current ones. Maybe even ironically, like Hisao purposefully broke hearts in his last life, or Hanako was an arsonist. Anyway, fantastic work as always Odd.

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Re: Just Live

Post by Oddball » Fri Jan 19, 2018 9:14 pm

monkeywitha6pack wrote:
Thu Jan 18, 2018 11:04 am
Sorry, I mentally swaped the two names for some reason
I saw that, but I felt bad about saying anything.

Oddly enough, my first draft of this story didn't mention the girls name at all. Not on purpose. I just didn't notice I never named her.
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Re: Just Live

Post by NoticeMeOppai » Sat Mar 24, 2018 12:27 pm

Really enjoyed this, was a really interesting depiction of pillow talk and I'm always a sucker for Saki fiction.

Spotted this if you're looking to make corrections still;
sometime when we've pout all this behind us
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