Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

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Suzaku
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Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Suzaku » Mon Jul 24, 2017 11:10 am

This is just my short story thread, as well as for more casual and funny stories.

Chapter 1:

I wake up, groggy. It's my first day! I remember. I rush down to eat breakfast, and sure enough, Hana and Lilly have already helped prepare it. It's been a few weeks sice we allowed Lilly to stay here, as she teaches at the same place as us, and we are a pretty short drive from there. Hana smiles at me, likely at my enthusiasm for the day. I gobble down the pancakes Lilly made for me, but I almost choke. Lilly chuckles, and Hanako deadpans.

"Don't kill yourself on the job, now." Lilly speaks. "Yamaku wouldn't want a teacher dying on them, would they?"

"Yes, madam." I say this an almost playfully mocking tone.

As we get ready for our jobs, things become a mess. We eventually manage, but we are almost late. Seriously, how does our only daughter manage to sleep in through our noise?

We rush in the car, and I take the wheel. Soon, we arrive at the school. Eager, I jump out of the car, to start off my first day. Hana gives me a peck on the cheek, and wishes me luck.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Excitement fades to dread as I stare down all of my students for this class. A few have obvious disabilities, but some are mental in nature or less obvious.

No, don't define them by their disabilities. They are people like I am. I think. Ok, now to get the introduction out of the way.

"Good morning students, I am Mr. Nakai, and I will be your homeroom and Physics teacher."

One student, I notice is sleeping. I go over the files that I read, mentally, until I realize who she is.

Sara Jacobs, Age: 19. Diagnosis: Narcolepsy.

I figure leaving her alone would be best, but to talk to her after class. Hanako would advise me not to poke in her business while other students are around.

I start my lecture, espousing the joys of science. Man, am I glad I got this job.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

After the bell rings, I pull Sara and another student aside.

Aki Kirasagi. Age: 18. Diagnosis: Severe General Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Aki is figdeting nervously, while Sara is quite the self confident one.

"Mrs. Jacobs. I was made aware that you.. cannot control your sleeping. Narcolepsy, am I right?" Aggghhhh. I facepalm mentally at my akward sentence.

She giggles. "Teacher, don't worry. We are both new here, so cut yourself some slack." She turns serious. "But yes. I do have Narcolepsy. I try to stay awake, but I sleep at the worst times."

"How about this, then. I will make time for after school sessions for some students. You can come if you sleep through any lessons, and I will answer any questions, at any time I am in the school."

"Thanks, teach." She sits back down, clearly waiting for Aki to finish. Heh, this reminds me of Lilly and Hanako. Although Sara is almost a polar opposite of Lilly, based on what I've seen.

"Aki?"

"Y-yes? Nakai-sensei?" She is almost completely pale, and fidgeting nervously.

"Just call me Mr. Nakai, or Hisao." I'm trying to get her to see me, not as a adult figure that she should be scared of, but s an equal that understands her. I continue: "If you ever need to leave the class because it gets to be too much, I will let you. Sara, if she needs you, you go with her." I smirk at my next addition. "Provided you keep up with the class, young miss."

She eases up slightly, and says; "T-thank you, Nakai-sen- err, Mr. Nakai."

Sara and her walk out. I sigh, as I go to meet Lilly for lunch. I smile at the fact that Sara is helping Aki. Lilly would agree, but she sees the kids later today.

"Hisao!" Speak of the devil...
----------------------------------------------------

We sit in the familiar garden at Yamaku. Nothing much has changed about this place, ever since me and Hanako confessed there. The green grass, and the old weathered benches are still there. It's a mild temperature outside, and not many other people are there. We unpack our lunch, and start eating. I speak up in the middle of our feast:

"So, I encountered a pair of students that remeinded me of you and Hanako, actually."

"Oh?"

"Yep. They should be in your class next period. Sara and Aki. Be gentle with Aki, unlike Hanako, she's actually fragile."

Lilly nods, and chuckles. "Had fun?"

"Yes, I did. How do you handle your students, by the way?"

Lilly puts on a serious face. "I try to let the know that in addition to their teacher, that I can help them with anything they need. I also try to get to know each of them as individuals."

"Good. I thought I nearly screwed up when I tried to address Sara's narcolepsy."

She looks at me with a stern face. "What did you do, Nakai?" I know she's serious. She only uses my last name in these cases.

"I pulled her aside, and spoke to her about it after class. I had... an awkward moment. Thankfully she didn't take offense at me trying to dodge saying her disability."

She nods. "You should really be more careful."

We change the topic to what our lives have been like recently after Yamaku. Soon, the bell rings, and I rush off, saying my goodbyes.

-------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day passes by uneventfully, and I meet a few interesting students, after classes, at my first tutoring session. 2 of them reminded me of a certain duo, actually. Setzuko and Ayaka. Setsuko can talk, but is incredibly biting and snarky at first. However, I see a soft side to her. Her diagnosis is Autism, so I assume she learned to pick up on snark. She isn't keen on talking however. Ayaka is almost the opposite. Energetic and confident. Reminds me of someone with pink hair...

-------------------------------------------------------

We arrive at home, finally, and I am exhausted. Me and Hanako plop on the couch while Lilly prepares dinner. She can do it really well herself, actually. "How was it, Hana?" I ask her.

"Got two students today. Sara and Aki."

"I have those two in my homeroom. Aki reminds me of a certain person I'm married to..." I smirk. She knows exactly what i'm talking about.

"Oh really?" She grins. "Make sure you don't baby Aki, by the way. Treat her as a capable student. And try to encourage her to share her interests and life with us. I'll try to crack her rituals and anxiety, but I believe she needs someone her age to help out. Sara is actually a lot more like Lilly than she appears. She has good intentions, but I think she will mother Aki too much. Just treat Sara as a father. Her dad seems to have not been the best person."

I flinch as I remember Mr. Satou. I had to come to near blowas with him to get Lilly to stay. Truth is, I like both Lilly and Hanako. It's weird that things lined up that way.

"Dinner's ready, you loaf." Our only daughter speaks up.

I flinch. She's been incredibly harsh and detached. Her birth was a complicated one, actually. She came out mute, and we were informed both Hanako and Lilly would not be able to sustain the load again. She didn't take the news well that she wouldn't have a sister or brother, and isolated herself into a cold version of her former self.

We eat dinner, and our daughter afterwards practices piano. She's really good at it, her fingers hitting the keys to create a melody. But it's always a sad melody, a lonely one.

Me and Hana eventually go up to bed, and close the lights. My last thoughts before I drifted off were:

"What do I need to do to be a better father and teacher?"
Last edited by Suzaku on Tue Jul 25, 2017 11:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

StilesLong
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by StilesLong » Mon Jul 24, 2017 10:58 pm

I enjoyed the concept of this though some parts were a little confusing and bizarre. If you want, I can post some questions I have in the morning.

In the meantime, I kinda like the idea of a second generation of students Hisao would get to observe as they go about their studies at Yamaku. I'm not sure if pairing a girl with general anxiety with someone who seems more like Akira than she does Lily is a good idea on Hisao's part though...

I'm looking forward to the next part!

Suzaku
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Suzaku » Tue Jul 25, 2017 11:21 am

StilesLong wrote:I enjoyed the concept of this though some parts were a little confusing and bizarre. If you want, I can post some questions I have in the morning.

In the meantime, I kinda like the idea of a second generation of students Hisao would get to observe as they go about their studies at Yamaku. I'm not sure if pairing a girl with general anxiety with someone who seems more like Akira than she does Lily is a good idea on Hisao's part though...

I'm looking forward to the next part!
Sure, you can ask away. Yep, this is lampshaded by Hanako later on. Their freindship does work, but it approaches Lilly levels of mothering, which Aki is revealed to not like being mothered over that much. (Sara appears like Misha at first, but is like a mother bird when she sees someone in need.)

Suzaku
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Suzaku » Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:56 pm

Chapter 2:

(Hanako's POV)

Getting up in the morning can be a huge chore. Thankfully I have Hisao to help with that. Funny enough, the situation we are in is pretty weird. Lilly confessed that she had a slight interest in me, and I replied with the same. Hisao agreed to let us live together when he could secure a big enough house. So we are in a weird 3 pronged relationship. (AUTHORS NOTE: I took this idea after reading FluffandCrunch's fanfics. Highly recommend them. I believe they are on his Pastebin.) The sun in our eyes, and me shaking Hisao. Not a great way to start the day. Hisao sleeps like a rock sometimes. I know what will wake him up, however. A devilish grin spreads on my face, as I proceed to slip my hand under the covers. After a bit of tickling his feet, he nearly jumps out of the bed. Mission accomplished.

"Come on! Why do you do that! I'm awake!" He yells. I chuckle. King of Suave, he is not.

We get ready as per normal. Lilly helps me out with making my hair into a bun. See, I want to vary myself a bit so my clients don't think I'm boring. I took this job to help others like me, and I need to give them a friendly impression.

As we get in the car after the breakfast Lilly cooks for us, we get in the car. Hisao drives almost uncomfortably fast. I really need to talk to him about that.

As we get out, we exchange the usual departing words.

--------------------------------------------------------

Setzuko Kobayashi. My first person to see today. I'm a bit nervous, but I handled the first day of our job well, right? I look at a picture of me and Hisao in high school, to calm myself. He was always the charmer, although he was too blunt. It's a miracle he had the know how to not screw our relationship up. Lilly is there to thank for that, partially.

I hear the door rattle. "Come in!"

A girl with blue hair appears in my room, taking slow steps. She's obviously discontent with the light and how white the room is. I turn down the light to make her more comfortable. She sits, and we start.

"So, Mrs. Kobayashi. On your file, I have read that you have Autism. How much difficulty do you have with other students?"

"None of your business."

A tough one, eh? Never thought this day would come. Alright, relax. "You sure? You are here for a reason, miss." I realize I might have been a bit blunt. "Tell you what, we will work slowly through this."

She gives a sheepish grin. "You are different from the other shrinks they sent me to, at least." Ouch. Her parents must have put her through some bad ABA.

"ABA?" I ask? "To be honest, I rather do not like the treatment of people like you. They believe you need to be corrected. I want to get to know you and help you."

Her smile seems more genuine now. "Ok, I'll only tell you this. I've had... trouble with my classmates in previous schools. I got bullied quite a bit, actually."

"I can sympathize with that, actually. I flip the bit of hair I had covering my scars up. See, you have to let the clients know that you are in some ways similar to them. Hisao gave me that advice.

She gasps. "Are you OK? I mean, about those. That must have hurt." She recoils, as she seems to think she has offended me.

"Took me a while to heal mentally, but your Homeroom teacher helped me out."

She gasps. "That buffoon of a teacher?"

I giggle. "Yep. My husband can be dense, but you can let me or him know when you have a problem. So I'll schedule our weekly appointments now. What day are you free?"

She thinks, responding after a minute. "I can be free on Sunday afternoon."

"Ok, I'll schedule you for 7:00 PM. Are you OK with that?" I hold up a hand, in the position for a high five.

"Ok." She leaves, but returns after a minute, returning the high five.

I reflect om her circumstance. She's really nice. but needs to work on letting people in. We will address that next session.

----------------------------------------------------------

I only had one other student, and he didn't need much help in my field. I referred him to the physical therapist and PE teacher here. Emi should have some fun with this kid. Funny how she came here, actually. She was on the fast track to the Olympics, but fell ill and couldn't compete. Yamaku's new owner heard about this and approached her. Shizune sure knows who to hire for these jobs. I smile as I walk to the Shanghai. It's still there. Yuuko, however, got work after leaving college, and is now in Rome. Hisao has already saved our seats, Lilly next to him.

"Hey! Hana!" Hisao speaks up.

I sit, and we speak.

"So, Lilly, how was your first day with my homeroom?"

"You were right about most of the students. Aki is like Hanako in many ways! I managd to get on Setzuko's good side."

"Same here." I said.

Hisao looks almost miserable. "Turns out we had our first assignment today. Setzuko even outsmarted ME!"

I giggle at his dejection. "You got beat at your own subject? Mr. Einstein must be losing his touch." I use the nickname I came up for him to emphasize the point.

"It's not funnnnnnyyyyyyy." He pouts.

"So Lilly. How was your English class?"

"Surprised it's mostly girls, but that's to be expected, considering Hisao over here was quite the womanizer in High School."

"......"

We decide to stop mocking him, and she speaks again. "We have an interesting student none of you has mentioned yet. Ayaka Mizuki."

Oh. Her. I completely forgot I have her tomorrow. Hisao also pales.

"Her? Oh, the one in the corner. Honestly, she gives off a really tragic vibe. I hear rumors that her other personalities can get violent."

"She came up to my desk and left a note. She explained her circumstance and apologized for any trouble she'd give." Lilly passes me the piece of paper. I save it to read before my appointment with her.

We finish eating soon enough, and go home. Hisao, Lilly and I take separate showers for the day, and then I fall asleep with the other two.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Jul 25, 2017 3:10 pm

Yes, leave a note for the blind teacher... That's going to be useful ^^°

To be honest I'm finding it pretty hard to say anything positive about this story so far. It uses all the worst cliches like every single one of the VN characters returning to Yamaku as a teacher or the three-way relationship as a throw-away comment...

Then Yamaku suddenly has more mentally handicapped students than those with physical disabilities, even though the former are not admitted there at all, the mini-scenes are sometimes confusing, sometimes not contributing to the story at all, and in the dialogues all your characters sound more or less the same.

Not sure if you're going anywhere with this, but so far I can't see it.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
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StilesLong
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by StilesLong » Tue Jul 25, 2017 10:49 pm

I thought I'd have more questions but they've leaked out of my head after work so sorry. General comments at the end and if you want more detail, MAYBE that can be arranged assuming I have the energy tomorrow :)
Suzaku wrote:Seriously, how does our only daughter manage to sleep in through our noise?
I am not sure (read:I am convinced) "only" is not needed here. It seems out of place.

Suzaku wrote:Excitement fades to dread as I stare down all of my students for this class.
Why is he staring his students down? This passage might perhaps be better if Hisao were late for his own class.
Late for my first day! I want to race to class but I know I'll be out of breath so I force myself to walk calmly. I take a deep breath, then open the door through which I can hear the buzz of quiet conversation. Excitement turns to dread as students and teacher stare at each other. Right, introduction!...
Suzaku wrote:I go over the files that I read, mentally, until I realize who she is.
This might read better:
I mentally review the files I'd been given on my students before placing a name to the [phyical description here] girl sleeping in the front row. It's [name here]
Suzaku wrote:Their freindship does work, but it approaches Lilly levels of mothering, which Aki is revealed to not like being mothered over that much. (Sara appears like Misha at first, but is like a mother bird when she sees someone in need.)
I would almost consider reversing the mothering and have the nervous girl caring for the brazen one. As Mirage points out, you're playing a bit to stereotypes so try to invert them a bit, if possible.

I'm concerned, like Mirage, that you're falling into lockstep with some of the other writers on the forums. To be fair, some of the posts here are very good, so it's understandable to want to borrow ideas. I'm not sure, however, if that allows you to be truly original because we wind up with a hybrid of other fanfics. I want to read Suzaku's story, not other peoples' stories.

If you're looking to take this further, I'd say consider ways to make your characters more original. Invert standard relationships and twist things around. In addition, change up your sentence structure. This part is hard and requires a firm grasp of the English language (and the English language is slippery...) but if you can pull it off, it will make things more interesting for the reader. Currently, you list interactions and actions without connecting them prosaically and the plot falls a little flat.
Suzaku wrote:We get ready as per normal. Lilly helps me out with making my hair into a bun. See, I want to vary myself a bit so my clients don't think I'm boring. I took this job to help others like me, and I need to give them a friendly impression.

As we get in the car after the breakfast Lilly cooks for us, we get in the car. Hisao drives almost uncomfortably fast. I really need to talk to him about that.

As we get out, we exchange the usual departing words.
Things are flat and sequential. Events and sentences aren't really dovetailed together, meaning they occur separately. Try to connect things so they flow smoothly. A single idea can span multiple sentences.
Now that Hisao's awake, I get on with my own morning. The only other hangup is when I have to decide how to wear my hair. I like to vary it up so my clients don't think I'm falling into a rut of my own as I try to help them out of theirs. I settle on a bun, hoping it will make me look friendly and welcoming. Lily loves to play with my hair so I recruit her help and within minutes, my purple hair is piled tightly on my head.

Breakfast is quick this morning; Hisao in particular seems to be in a hurry, to the point he almost chokes. He's still in a hurry when we get in the car, driving well over the limit and my comfort threshold. I need to talk to him about that, but not now. Instead, I will him good-bye and good luck before hopping out of the car. I hope he isn't late.
Also, how does Lily get to Yamaku...? :P

I'm looking forward to the next post because I want to see you improve! Good luck!

Suzaku
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Suzaku » Wed Jul 26, 2017 7:25 am

StilesLong wrote:stuff
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. About the morhering, by the way, I've already fully defined wjat makes 4/5 of my characters tick. In Fading Memories, it's later revealed that Sara's mothering actually damages them both. Aki wants to have an equal freindship, but Sara was taught to please people at any cost. Satoshi himself is the one that fixes this, with the help of Aki. Both have what makes them tick already. I'm trying to mske a story of my own mold, I'm just more used to mangaka stuff (I plan to be one one day hah) and am not so good with words. To be fair I do use stereotypes and molds, but the mothering one actually came out of my head right after my playthrough on Lilly's route. I agree on all of your other points.


(Hisao does drive her, she's just not really mentioned in the scene. Should I fix that?)

Suzaku
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Suzaku » Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:33 am

.

 

 

 
Last edited by Suzaku on Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jul 26, 2017 11:43 am

Seriously?
I can imagine exactly zero of them to choose those online handles for themselves.

Other than that you continue pushing out clichés like Shizune x Misha the satisfactory explanation of which would be a full-on story by itself rather than an inconsequential sidenote here.

I wondered for a moment if you planned this as a nonsense comedy, but somehow I think that isn't your intention...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Oddball » Wed Jul 26, 2017 3:43 pm

I'm with Mirage on this one. This ... this isn't working.

Those usernames were especially bad.

Edit: I suppose this deserves a more in depth response than this. Give me a little bit.
Hana and Lilly have already helped prepare it.
Personal pet peeve, although this is only a tiny nitpick. Calling Hanako "Hana" never feels right to me. It's always been just plain Hanako.
It's been a few weeks sice we allowed Lilly to stay here, as she teaches at the same place as us, and we are a pretty short drive from there
Typo on "since". The idea of everybody going back to Yamaku to teach never works. It always comes across as feeling like a TV show that's ran too long and has to come up with excuses to keep the characters together.

Lilly living with Hanako and Hisao could work, but on top of them all being teachers together at Yamaku and being in a multi-way relationship just feels too much like a combination of a wish fulfillment fairytail ending and not being able to come up with anything interesting for the characters to do.
As we get ready for our jobs, things become a mess. We eventually manage, but we are almost late. Seriously, how does our only daughter manage to sleep in through our noise?
So they just leave her there all day while they teach? Is she alone? Doesn't she go to school?
No, don't define them by their disabilities. They are people like I am.

Hisao isn't a teenager anymore. He's learned this lesson. In fact, he learned that lesson while he was still IN Yamaku.
One student, I notice is sleeping. I go over the files that I read, mentally, until I realize who she is.

Sara Jacobs, Age: 19. Diagnosis: Narcolepsy.
Horribly and unnaturally phrased. Also it's a bit unclear what's happening. He isn't sure who she is at first until he goes over the files in his head and then can remember her full name and age?

Something more natural might be ... "I notice one student is sleeping. I remember seeing something in the files about a student with narcolepsy. I want to say her name is Sarah ...something. I'll have to look at the files again."

Also, this brings up further questions. Why isn't she Japanese? Shouldn't she be on medication preventing her from just passing out like that? Please don't follow the typical fanfic version of narcolepsy you see here. It was never really meant as anything other than a joke.
"Thanks, teach." She sits back down, clearly waiting for Aki to finish. Heh, this reminds me of Lilly and Hanako. Although Sara is almost a polar opposite of Lilly, based on what I've seen.

Then why does it remind him of them?
"Y-yes? Nakai-sensei?"
No. NO. Big Letters N followed by an O. You are writing in English. Use English words. What you MEANT to say was "Mr. Nakai?" or perhaps just "teacher".
"Y-yes? Nakai-sensei?" She is almost completely pale, and fidgeting nervously.

"Just call me Mr. Nakai, or Hisao." I'm trying to get her to see me, not as a adult figure that she should be scared of, but s an equal that understands her. I continue: "If you ever need to leave the class because it gets to be too much, I will let you. Sara, if she needs you, you go with her." I smirk at my next addition. "Provided you keep up with the class, young miss."

She eases up slightly, and says; "T-thank you, Nakai-sen- err, Mr. Nakai."
... okay. You tried to correct yourself here, but it doesn't work. What did you even think sensei meant? I'm not getting what you're even trying to do here.
"I pulled her aside, and spoke to her about it after class. I had... an awkward moment. Thankfully she didn't take offense at me trying to dodge saying her disability."

She nods. "You should really be more careful."
Why? Why was he trying to dodge it at all and why would it be awkward. Knowing what her problem is and how to work around it is part of his job. Dressing the disabilities of his students is what he does for a living now.
We change the topic to what our lives have been like recently after Yamaku. Soon, the bell rings, and I rush off, saying my goodbyes.
They live together. "What have you been up to" is the type of conversation you have with people you HAVEN'T seen for a while not with people you see every day.
Her diagnosis is Autism, so I assume she learned to pick up on snark.

From what we knew of Yamaku in the past, it didn't accept mental disabilities. If it does now, you should probably give us a few lines telling us how or why it changed. In fact, much of your story reads that way, as though you've cut out every other sentence in the thing and left us with just the framework.
"Dinner's ready, you loaf." Our only daughter speaks up.

I flinch. She's been incredibly harsh and detached. Her birth was a complicated one, actually. She came out mute, and we were informed both Hanako and Lilly would not be able to sustain the load again. She didn't take the news well that she wouldn't have a sister or brother, and isolated herself into a cold version of her former self.

There is so much "I don't know what the hell you're doing" here that I almost don't know where to start.

You're telling us she's mute right after she had a line of dialogue.

You're telling us after she was born, neither Lilly nor Hanako could have kids again. Did they jointly give birth to her or something?

And she was fine until she learned she couldn't have a sister or brother... And how did that happen? When? You almost make it sound like she was a couple of years old when she was first born or something.
"What do I need to do to be a better father and teacher?"

Well, actually have some part of the story addressing his parenting or how he teaches might be a good start.

The fact that he even has a child feels more like a footnote than any part of the story so far.

Also for a guy that's disabled, living with two disabled women and a disabled child (maybe. I'm still not sure how that works yet) teaching at a disabled school, he sure seems to have a hard time dealing with the fact that his students have disabilities.
So we are in a weird 3 pronged relationship.
I have never seen this written realistically and seldom seen it written well.
(AUTHORS NOTE: I took this idea after reading FluffandCrunch's fanfics. Highly recommend them. I believe they are on his Pastebin.)
I would Horse Whip you if I had a horse.

NEVER. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER put an author's note in the middle of your story.
It's a miracle he had the know how to not screw our relationship up. Lilly is there to thank for that, partially.
That is really not how I would have described their relationship in the game, almost the opposite really.
I giggle. "Yep. My husband can be dense, but you can let me or him know when you have a problem. So I'll schedule our weekly appointments now. What day are you free?"
I think telling the girl that Hisao is her husband would actually hurt things more than help them. If Hanako is her psychologist (I think she is. I can't quite tell from the story.) then the girl should be able to talk freely with Hanako. Instead, Hanako created a conflict of interest where there didn't need to be one.
"Ok." She leaves, but returns after a minute, returning the high five.
Picturing this in my head it's just hilarious. Hanako is just sitting there with her hand up while the girl leaves the room and comes back later for no reason to return her high five?
I only had one other student, and he didn't need much help in my field. I referred him to the physical therapist and PE teacher here. Emi should have some fun with this kid. Funny how she came here, actually. She was on the fast track to the Olympics, but fell ill and couldn't compete. Yamaku's new owner heard about this and approached her. Shizune sure knows who to hire for these jobs.
So, Emi and Shizune are still at Yamaku too. Is there just no place for Yamaku students other than at the school? Are you going to tell us next that Miki works in the cafeteria and Kenji is the grounds keeper?
"You were right about most of the students. Aki is like Hanako in many ways! I managd to get on Setzuko's good side."
You keep saying such and such reminds everybody of this or that character, but you do very little to show why.
"Surprised it's mostly girls, but that's to be expected, considering Hisao over here was quite the womanizer in High School."
If that was a joke it doesn't make much sense.
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I cannot picture ANY of the cast identifying themselves by these names. Especially since the idea that a disability shouldn't define you is one of the main themes of the game.

... okay. Maybe Misha would call herself that. Maybe. The rest? No way.

Also, Lilly identifies herself as Japanese with Scottish heritage, not a Brit.
Ever since I became the head of the Yamaku Foundation, I opened up the schools to the mentally disabled. I had a hard time convincing my equals to agree to this, so don't mess it up!
Okay. You finally explain the mental disability thing, as a throw away line. In doing so, you add in something even harder to dismiss. Shizune is now in charge of the Yamaku foundation. How did this happen? It's not like you just apply for that job. Really she didn't seem very interested in continuing on at the school at all. Why is she still there?
Can'tHearYou: Yeah. I did hurt Misha a while back, but I realised I reciprocate her feelings near the end of our time at Yamaku. It was a life changing thing for me. But dad decided to be a prick. Eventually things worked out.
Here you just too a big dump all over Misha's storyline and growth as a person in favor of an unrealistic "Happy ending," as well as making Shizune come across as even worse.

Why does she even mention her dad here?

I don't mean to be hard on you. I just think the whole "bringing the entire cast back together years later" thing might be a bit too ambitious for you at the moment. I'd focus on a smaller cast in a more familiar setting and time until you start to get the hang of what works and what doesn't.
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jul 27, 2017 10:27 am

I subscribe to all points Oddball mentioned - I thought about writing a list like this myself, but I didn't know where to start... or stop.

I hadn't even noticed that their daughter was supposed to be mute on reading this... brain was probably shut down at that point already. How old is she supposed to be anyway at that point? She's able to play piano, yet Hisao and the others are apparently fresh out of university...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Suzaku
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Suzaku » Thu Jul 27, 2017 10:56 am

Rewrite planned. For now, scrapping this whole thing and starting over. I realize this was basically a turdpile the second I heard the feedback. I see no way to proceed without contradicting myself.

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Oddball
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Oddball » Thu Jul 27, 2017 11:16 am

You tried and you've learned something from it.

I expect your next work to be even better for the lessons you've learned.

It might not be great either, but you'll get there.
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Suzaku
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by Suzaku » Sun Jul 30, 2017 11:10 am

Oneshot: Hisao's Cooking.

 

As I wake up today, I decide to do a little something special for my wife. Just as a 2 year aniversarry thing. We got work off, but I just want to spend the time with Hanako. No fancy crap like last time, I'm almost broke working for the McDonald's near our college dorms.

 

"I hope I can do this right." With that, I concentrate on the task at hand. Now how does pancake mix work? Ahh, let's wing it. I blend the mixture in a bowl, looking at the instructions only to find the amounts needed. How hard could this possibly be? Hana does this all the time.

 

----------------------------------

 

I thought wrong apparently. Most of my pancakes almost caught fire, and one did. Hate to say this Hana, but pancakes are not a thing today. Oh no. Another fire! I facepalm, and as the smoke alarm beeps, Hanako wakes up, in a panic, and together we extinguish the fire. She takes a minute to calm down from flashbacks, and looks at me. She then starts chuckling at me. What is it now...

 

"Y-you have an egg on your hair!" She bursts out laughing. "Your outfit and hat look rediculous!"

 

I blush furiously. At least I made her laugh... Guess we'll go out for breakfast after all.

 

Hanako gives me a peck on the cheek. "What's important is that you at least tried. Leave this to me next time, will you?"

 

I sigh in resignation. I need to brush up on my cooking skills.

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scratchminus
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Re: Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher and other short stories

Post by scratchminus » Tue Aug 08, 2017 4:40 am

I've been wanting to give my advice/insight on this for a bit, but I wasn't quite sure what to say that wasn't already being said by others. I could talk about specific elements of the story and why they don't make sense, but since Oddball, Mirage, and Stiles already did that I'm gonna try to approach it from a different angle.

One of the biggest problems I'm noticing with your writing is that you have a tendency to focus on the smaller details that aren't important, while simultaneously leaving the larger story elements unexplained. You're writing one-shots/short stories, so it's understandable that you have to trim the fat (for lack of a better phrase) that longer stories would have. However, this doesn't mean all detail should be entirely omitted either.

Things such as a three way relationship between Hisao, Hanako, and Lilly, while maybe not 100% logical or believable, still need to be detailed in a way that makes it as believable as possible for the reader. Even with this just being focused on "Hisao's Daily Life as a Teacher", there still needs to be a bit more substance to each chapter. Most of the events you highlight wouldn't be an uncommon occurrence in my everyday life. While that may make it more "believable" and relatable, it's not the most interesting way to tell a story. We read to escape the norm, not to further bury ourselves in it.

I don't know how possible it would be to salvage this exact story/concept, but I definitely believe you could still write. Just focus on getting more detail in there about the things that really matter and are interesting, and try not to leave the reader wondering how certain events played out (Ex: when you mentioned Misha and Shizune being a thing, rather than just saying it, maybe give us a short side story about it. Wouldn't really fit in in this situation, but you get the idea. :P).

Overall, points to focus on:
- Giving enough detail where it matters
- Don't over focus on the little things/prioritize interesting plot points
- Read sentences out loud and make sure they sound logical
- Don't force stereotypes or plots that can't offer anything bigger

Just some general writing stuff to work on, we all have to start somewhere!

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