Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

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Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Mon Jul 10, 2017 2:04 am

Hey guys! Its monkey back 4 years later with what I hope is a much better version of that fic I posted long long ago. I've been working on this on and off for four years and because of that the further I got into the fic the more my writing style changed and the earlier parts didn't match the later parts, I hit a bit of writers block as well so I decided to go back and rewrite the entire fic using what I had as a base. Was kinda unsure about posting, but I figured if no one ever saw it, the years of brainstorming and on and off work would go to waste... So here it is, My Iwanako fic!
Last edited by monkeywitha6pack on Sun Jun 24, 2018 12:33 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition. Chapter 1

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Mon Jul 10, 2017 2:05 am

Chapter 1

I’ve only been here a short time and yet I’ve already fallen into a rhythm. I wake up, take my pills, go to class, eat dinner, do homework, some reading, then sleep. That’s how my new life has gone, and that’s probably how it’s going to go for the rest of the semester

I really haven’t made any friends. I have met some interesting and unique people, but none of them are like my old friends. I helped a girl named Rin paint, I went running with a pigtailed whirlwind named Emi - but almost immediately gave up - declined joining the student council, and I actively avoid my crazy hallmate Kenji.

I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, and it’s not that these people aren’t nice, it’s just so difficult to start over from scratch. Even though they pretty much abandoned me,I still kinda miss my old friends, and my old life.


My thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing. I don’t recognize the number so maybe I should just ignore it. But on the off chance it’s Mom or Dad calling from work, I guess I’ll answer it.

“Hello?”


After a few seconds of silence I almost hang up before I hear a sheepish, “Hisao?”

It was quiet but I still recognize the voice in an instant. “Iwanako? Is.. Is that you?”

“Hisao… I-I’m sorry if I’m bugging you. And I hope you don’t mind, but I got your number from your family.”


“You’re not bugging me, but why are you calling?”

“I’ve been thinking lately, I just feel so bad. I-I abandoned you. And I did it when you needed me most. I stopped visiting, I just felt to blame for what happened and all I could think about was hurting you again.”

I can’t believe myself. I never once stopped and thought about how she might have felt. I was too caught up in selfishness to think about how she felt. All this time she blamed herself, and I was so focused on myself that I never thought to even ask her how she felt about it all.

“It’s okay. I can’t imagine it was easy for you either. I have no clue what I would have done if the roles were reversed and you had the heart attack.”

“I know…. But still I had no right to leave like that. I never even tried to explain.” I can tell that she’s on the verge of tears. “You don’t have to say yes, but do you think that maybe we could try to be friends?”

I’m not certain how I feel about that. But I was just saying that I miss my old life, and now here a chance to get a piece of it back.

“I don’t have any objections to that, but the school I go to is quite a long ways from home. It might be a little difficult to keep up a friendship.”

She takes a little to respond. I don’t think she thought about that part very much.

“Well, there's always phone calls. And plus you’ll be coming home for the holidays, right? Also, if you didn’t mind, I’d be okay with coming to visit one weekend, even if it’s such a long trip, but only if you wanted me to though.”

She started to sound sad again towards the end. It seems like she really wants to see me but was somehow worried. It’s short notice but maybe I should invite her to the festival - it won’t take too much effort and I doubt she’ll be able to make it - but it shows I’m at least trying.

“Well it’s kinda short notice but there’s a festival this weekend, I’ve been told that it happens every year and that it’s kinda a big deal.”

“This weekend… It's gonna be tough… But I’ll make it! Just text me the address and I’ll convince my dad to let me come.”

“O-Ok I’ll text you the address… I guess I’ll see you this weekend.”

“Yup! See you then!” With that, she hangs up and I text her the address.

I didn’t think she’d be so gungho about coming. Why though, I don’t know. But one thing I do know is that I’m not gonna get much sleep tonight, possibly every night until the festival.
Last edited by monkeywitha6pack on Mon Jul 10, 2017 9:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jul 10, 2017 5:32 am

IIrc the pacing is quite a lot faster than in your first version...
If this is supposed to be tuesday, Hisao hasn't run with Emi and hasn't even met Rin yet.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Mon Jul 10, 2017 9:47 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:IIrc the pacing is quite a lot faster than in your first version...

If we're talking about the unreleased google doc, it should be pretty similar since I used it as a base, if we're talking first version, I haven't looked at that in years
Mirage_GSM wrote:If this is supposed to be tuesday, Hisao hasn't run with Emi and hasn't even met Rin yet.
Crap, guess my katawa shoujo knowlage is a bit rusty right now... (actually seems like it's always been... Checked first edition and it had a similar mistake) thanks for pointing that out fixed it for now
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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sun Jun 24, 2018 12:32 am

Chapter 2

I’m brought back from my daydream by the bell ringing. I managed to finish my work a few minutes early and scored myself some relaxation. As usual I have to sit and wait for the crowd to disperse, seeing as I have to avoid blows to the chest, shoving my way through a crowd all rushing to get out of class isn’t a brilliant idea, and with the festival tomorrow there’s even more of a rush to get out. I can’t help but let my mind wander to the festival. Why was Iwanako so eager to come? It was such short notice I was shocked when she was so dead set on coming. Would she do that for just a friend? I shake my head to get rid of that thought, I can’t help it since she is a cute girl who once confessed to me.

“Nakai, do you plan on sitting here all day?” I almost jump when Mr Mutou calls out to me

“Oh sorry sir… Kinda lost in thought for a moment there” I get up and scramble out of the classroom

Putting those thoughts aside, In two days will be the first time I’m gonna see Iwanako since way back when, It’s enough to make anyone nervous, plus I don’t know how to react, I mean I’m glad to see her I’m just not to sure what to expect. I head back to my room and try to do some studying and try to get something that resembles sleep since I have the feeling I won’t sleep much the night before the festival.



After hours of keeping my eyes closed and rolling back and forth I finally give up when I hear my alarm going off. I pry my eyes open and force my legs off the bed. I do my usual morning routine, albeit a little slower due to no sleep, and head to the showers before class.

Thankfully the shower assisted in waking me up, while only slightly it was at least enough for me to make it through my classes without falling asleep, but I absorbed almost none of the information taught today, but being the day before the festival I don’t think it’s anything to major that I couldn't reread the textbook later and figure out on my own. Once the class has cleared I shuffle out of the classroom, a half awake zombie, and start heading to my dorm to take a much needed nap. I notice a girl looking somewhat lost standing on the path to the boys dorm

“Heh, I must be pretty tired cause that almost looks like Iwanako” I mumble to myself

Wait, as I get closer I see it actually is her! The shock is enough to break me out of my half awake state as I get close I wave

“Iwanako?”

She sends a wave and a beaming smile back to me “Hisao! I was looking for you!”

“We still had class today, albeit only a half day”

“Oh, my school got a three day weekend so I kinda assumed yours did to with the festival and all, and when I saw all the students come flooding to the dorms I realized how stupid it was of me...” She trails off and I see her expression flash to a depressed look but it quickly changes back as i take control of the conversation

“It’s all good anyone could have made that mistake... “ I give up trying to reassure her and change the subject

“Where are you staying? Hotels must have been booked solid, with students families coming for the festival”

“Oh, I asked my father for help since it was such short notice and he managed to find an inn that he was able to pull some strings with to get me a room.”

I don’t know much about her family, but besides the fact that he was willing to let her come here alone to meet a boy, He was able to pull strings all the way out here in the this middle of nowhere town? I don’t know if I should be scared of him or not now...

“I dropped my bags off there this morning. I came here after, and when I finally found what looked like a student, he jumped into a bush screaming something about a feminist conspiracy when I asked if he knew you.”

“I'm gonna guess he had black hair, the thickest glasses you’ve ever seen and was dressed like it was winter?”

“Exactly! How did you know!”

“He's my hallmate kenji. He’s convinced all women are scheming to take over the world or something”

“Wow that sound fun” She says full of sarcasm

“Oh yeah, even more so when he brings out the puppets.”

We both share a pretty good laugh at that one.

“So when does this festival start? Its looking awfully empty right now”

“Tomorrow. Around 10 am I think?”

“Oh, so I’m a little on the early side.” She sounds almost disappointed

“Its okay. It gives us some more time to catch up before the festival starts. Feeling hungry? I heard about a restaurant in town from some other students. It’s called the Shanghai.”

“That sounds great”

We walk to the gates and mostly in silence. I try to think of things to say but ultimately fall flat. I don't want to ask about my former ‘friends’ at least Iwanako had the decency to keep visiting, and call and apologize. My so called closest friends haven't even tried to get in contact.

Eventually Iwanako has enough of the silence and meekly speaks up

“So, what do you do for fun around here?”

I briefly ponder whether I should tell her the truth, it’s probably for the best. “Honestly I really haven't settled in yet, it wasn't to hard to follow the class material, but I still feel like I don't belong”

I see that same depressed look from before flash on her face. As we nearly reach the foot of the hill her look turns more concerned

“Are you ok? Do you need a break?I don't want to see you get hurt again” She trails off at the end

“Yeah I’m fine, we are almost down the hill anyways” Beyond running with Emi that one time this is the most I’ve done since I’ve come here, but she doesn't need to know I skip on my required exercise. And besides I feel shockingly fine

As we keep walking she points to a sign

“Is that it?”

I look over and see the sign reads the Shanghai

“Oh looks like it is. Thankfully doesn't look like its to busy!”

As we enter a little bell rings, and a large thump is heard not to far away. A short waitress with red hair and glasses appears behind the counter. Seems like she just hit her head.

She greets us with a timid voice. "W-Welcome to the Shanghai. How can I help you?"

"A table for two please."

"Is a window booth okay?"

We agree, and she leads us over to a free booth.


We assume they have what any standard tea house would have and we place our order accordingly

“I think I'll have a coffee and a tuna sandwich."

"I’ll have a iced coffee and a fruit parfait”

After the waitress takes our menus and returns to the kitchen I turn back to my companion “

“So Iwana-”

I get cut short by the last two people I’d want to run into right now

“Hicchan~ You came here without us! We are so deeply hurt~!”

I let out a long sigh “Hello Shizune. Hello misha.”

Shizune has already begun signing and I see a wicked smile come to her face. Can’t wait to see what that’s for.

Once Misha's caught up she lets out her signature laugh

“So Hicchan~ We didn’t know you had a girlfriend! So that’s why you resisted our charm and didn't join the council”

My face heats up and turns bright red “Tha-” Before I can stumble out the right words Iwanako interjects

“So what, this make you jealous?”

Wait what did she say? At this point my face is on fire and my head is spinning. Between the implications of what she said and Mishas roaring laughter I can't think straight

Shizunes look goes furious and she signs faster then I’ve ever seen

“Shicchan I’m not saying that~ It isn't very polite.” Shizune gives me a look that can only mean this isn't over or I’ll pay for that, or maybe both and returns to her seat, Misha in tow.

“So, who were they?”

I come back to reality. “That's the student council president and vice president. The only members too”

We hear some clanking as the waitress tries to carefully carry the tray to us, eventually making it without any incident, after setting it down she does the usual waitress pleasantries and leaves us to our food

We share some idle chit chat while we eat, the more we talk, the more normal it starts to feel. By the time we pay and begin walking back up the hill it's almost like we’ve never been separated.
Once we are nearly half up I realize Iwanako will have to wait for the bus, or walk all the way back down and I feel a twinge of guilt for not thinking of this earlier

“Hey, sorry for making you come all the way up this hill.”

“Its fine. Its more time I get to spend with you!” My heart skips a beat when I hear her say that with a beaming smile. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if she wanted to pick back up where we left off. If all goes well at the festival maybe I’ll bring it up.

Eventually we reach the gates and take a seat at the bus stop. She starts to talk about old classmates and what they’ve been up to. Nothing extraordinary, most still play soccer, same grades. She said they all say they miss me, but I wonder how true that is.

Soon enough the bus pulls up and we say our goodbyes

“Well I’ll see you tomorrow, 10 am sharp!” She gives me another gleaming smile and gets on the bus.

I’m starting to look forward to this festival more and more.
Last edited by monkeywitha6pack on Sun Jun 24, 2018 1:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by Downix » Sun Jun 24, 2018 12:38 am

Ooo, I likey.

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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Jun 24, 2018 8:40 am

Would she do that for just a friend?
Should be pretty obvious that she doesn't consider him 'just a friend'...
(Maybe some kind of transition here? Or just leave blank?)
I always use "***" but anyway leaving the notes in is the worst option :-)
and with the festival tomorrow there’s even more of a rush to get out.
...
but being the day before the festival
Again some time-shenanigans here. The festival seems to have moved ahead one day overnight...
By the time we pay and begin walking back up the hill it's almost like we’ve never been separated.
Only Hisao and Iwanako didn't hang out before the confession in the first place.

That scene with Shizune and Misha seems very out of place at that point - both because stuff like that is quite out of character for Shizune and because this being the day before the festival (if it doesn't move into the future again) those two would be anywhere but at the Shanghai in the first place. Also the scene does not advance the story anyway.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sun Jun 24, 2018 1:36 pm

I always viewed Hisao as extremely dense, and it seemed that was the general consensus form the people I asked. The separation was referring to the amount of time she visited him in the hospital, before giving up causing the separation. Personally I feel some time between the two of them would be necessary to advance the plot, and I wanted some interaction between the main cast, so yes in a way it doesn't advance the plot, but my proofreader enjoyed the interaction so I kept it in
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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by Downix » Sun Jun 24, 2018 4:08 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Sun Jun 24, 2018 8:40 am
Would she do that for just a friend?
Should be pretty obvious that she doesn't consider him 'just a friend'...
(Maybe some kind of transition here? Or just leave blank?)
I always use "***" but anyway leaving the notes in is the worst option :-)
and with the festival tomorrow there’s even more of a rush to get out.
...
but being the day before the festival
Again some time-shenanigans here. The festival seems to have moved ahead one day overnight...
By the time we pay and begin walking back up the hill it's almost like we’ve never been separated.
Only Hisao and Iwanako didn't hang out before the confession in the first place.

That scene with Shizune and Misha seems very out of place at that point - both because stuff like that is quite out of character for Shizune and because this being the day before the festival (if it doesn't move into the future again) those two would be anywhere but at the Shanghai in the first place. Also the scene does not advance the story anyway.
Except it is canon that they did, in fact, go to the Shanghai on Saturday. The scene is even labelled "Shanghaied", with the description "Tea, cake and competitions with Shizune and Misha at the Shanghai." It is the scene where they leave Misha the bill.

As for charactarization, I found Shizune's actions quite in-character as well. It reflects Shizune when she realizes that she was beaten before she even began playing, such as how she acts in Lilly's route, only without the animosity.
"A ha, new boy.... aaaand he's already taken, damnit! And the girl's willing to fight too...."

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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Mon Jun 25, 2018 1:06 am

Yeah if anything I would've appreciated Shizune's bit more if she did get in a jab or two of her own, or something. But as is I thought it was fine. I would definitely expect Misha to barge in and say "LOL LOOK AT HICCHAN WITH HIS GIRL FRIEND" because she pretty much does exactly that in the game on Hanako's route (and maybe others, but I remember that one for sure). Maybe Shizune doesn't have time to stick around and mess with them with the festival being the next day.

It's hard for me to comment on anything major since not a lot has happened yet, but I guess that would also be my main comment. Some meatier interactions between Hisao and Iwanako, especially in a way that establishes the latter's personality (as unlike chars who got significant time in the VN, it's pretty much an unknown quantity), would be nice. But hey, maybe that's exactly what we'll get in the next chapter. I do think the biggest challenge in general with an Iwanako fic is making Iwanako herself a compelling character. Next up you have a lot of stylistic issues, like a lot, with grammar and sentence structure. Last and maybe most important.... don't make us wait another year before chapter 3!

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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jun 25, 2018 2:11 am

Hmm, you're right, that scene was on Saturday, I misremembered that.
Still I don't think that was like Shizune. She does heckle people for being lazy or for breaking the rules.
The line

“So Hicchan~ We didn’t know you had a girlfriend! So that’s why you resisted our charm and didn't join the council”

Would have been perfectly fine for Misha, but the text makes it clear that she is only translating it for Shizune.
And Shizune would only have reason to get angry at that if she really WAS jealous, which she doesn't have any reason for in this story. Also it is selling Shizune's wit seriously short that she'd devolve into profanity after just one line from Iwanako, when we know she can hold her own in arguments with Lilly repeatedly without resorting to that - and in those cases there actually IS animosity. She's only just met Iwanako.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by Downix » Mon Jun 25, 2018 11:24 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mon Jun 25, 2018 2:11 am
Hmm, you're right, that scene was on Saturday, I misremembered that.
Still I don't think that was like Shizune. She does heckle people for being lazy or for breaking the rules.
The line

“So Hicchan~ We didn’t know you had a girlfriend! So that’s why you resisted our charm and didn't join the council”

Would have been perfectly fine for Misha, but the text makes it clear that she is only translating it for Shizune.
And Shizune would only have reason to get angry at that if she really WAS jealous, which she doesn't have any reason for in this story. Also it is selling Shizune's wit seriously short that she'd devolve into profanity after just one line from Iwanako, when we know she can hold her own in arguments with Lilly repeatedly without resorting to that - and in those cases there actually IS animosity. She's only just met Iwanako.
Honestly, I took the line as Misha speaking. She does inject herself into discussions quite regularly on canon routes as well.

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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jun 25, 2018 1:05 pm

Okay,
a) the text literally says Shizune was signing it the line before, and
b) Why would Shizune be angry if the reply was addressed to Misha?
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Two halves make a whole. Definitive edition (Updated 6/24)

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Mon Jun 25, 2018 11:08 pm

Hanako Fancopter wrote:
Mon Jun 25, 2018 1:06 am
ext up you have a lot of stylistic issues, like a lot, with grammar and sentence structure. Last and maybe most important.... don't make us wait another year before chapter 3!
Yeah, the stylistic issue was bound to happen, I wrote chapter one and half of chapter two a few years ago (I sat on it for a long time before posting) and half and after writing it I wanted more practice so I put the project and pause and wrote a practice piece or two and grew a bit as a writer before finishing and posting. I tried to clean it up as much as I could but decided I shouldnt keep dwelling on redoing chapter one and two and just get on with the fic. I promise not to wait another year!
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