Fading Memories

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Suzaku
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Suzaku » Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:29 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:Sure you can post pictures. May writers do.

Regarding what I wrote last time on tenses:

Most stories here are written in present tense. You're free to use past tense instead of course, but you should try to keep it consistent.
As I woke up, I realized that this day was a weekend. It had been so chaotic coming here that I forgot it was a off day today.

Guess I'll just explore the rooms then.
You can't have a story in past tense and then insert present tense interior monologue every now and again. If you want to keep the story in past tense, the last sentence has to be something like "I decided to explore the rooms for a bit."
A few more lines where you did this:
Now that I think of it, she doesn't sound formal, although I expected it from her at this time.
How? How are they so carefree about it? Their worlds must have been upended, like mine, but how are they so carefree?
I then stared at Aoki. She really is too wound up for her own good. I'm pretty sure Sara can deal with her, however. On second thought, she doesn't seem to be doing so hot, even with Sara around. She became pale, while I realized that I was staring. (Here it's even within one paragraph)
After dinner, Aoki passes me something. (This is not even interior monologue but just plain present tense.)
I'm only telling them when I am more comfortable with this memory thing myself.
If you like using interior monologue I suggest you switch to present tense, since it might be easier for you to keep it consistent.

Also this chapter is missing a bit of context:
-This is the weekend, but did you skip a few days or did he start school on a Saturday?
- He just woke up and starts exploring... The dorms? Does this school have mixed dorms? Or does he go to another building first?
Stuff like this might be clear to you as the writer, but in most cases you'll have to spell it out for your readers as well. It's also a nice way for some additional exposition like the layout of the place and general descriptions of the surroundings. That's something that's so far mostly missing in your story...
Sorry about context. I'll have to work on that..., He goes into the main building, the room he finds is sorta like the tea room in KS. He started school on a Saturday, lol. It mentions in the first part that he'd started school at an awkward time, but I'll go back and elaborate. And I guess I'll try present tense. I seem to not notice when I slip tenses.

Suzaku
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Suzaku » Mon Jun 26, 2017 5:04 pm

Chapter 2.5:

(Aki's perspective)

I like spending time with Sara. Sure she has some faults, like being too motherly, but I don't mind them, mostly. She also knows what I like. Other people just assume that I have no hobbies, but inreality, I like playing games. Nobody can match me once I lose myself in a game. Small consolation, really, as I often think about my freinds dying or having bad luck because of my own actions. Silly, right? But I can't help it. I always count to 7, going over the number 4. It's bad luck, I tell you.

"Yo!"

Darnit, he got the jump on me. I really hope Sara is ok... aww dammit. Ok. 123567. Then tap on the desk 3 times. I know, it's silly. Awright, Sara is awake. I really don't know how to deal with guys, and frankly, I think I might have an interest in him. I mean, look at him. He may not be that handsome, but when I see him absorbed in thought, he looks sorta... cute. Sara downs her usual coffee, and speaks up.

"Sorry, I'm a bit tired." She pauses. "Oh hey! Sato is here!"

I state the obvious. "S-so it seems."

He's looking at me. Realization dawns in him, I think he just realized why I'm so shaky. He must be very observant. I blush at his smile, while tapping on the table to try to bring good luck.

"So what do you guys... do here?"

Sara laughs, startling me. "We were just hanging out here. Aki sure takes a shine to this place! We often play games together here, but I have never beaten Aki!"

He stares at me, and I sharpen my glare. If he wants a game, I'll give him a game.

We set up the Go board.

----------------------------------------------

As it seems, he was no match for me. But I enjoyed playing with him, and would love to do it again. I turn to set up the pieces, but Sara's laugh startles me again. I have to tell her to stop startling me like that, to be honest.

"Now, now, we don't have much time for another game. You are getting hungry, are you?" A growl escapes his stomach. Seriously, sometimes I wonder why the guys I'm around always have a ill-timed appetite. Sara laughs again. "There is a cafe we go to a lot. Mind walking there with us?"

-----------------------------------------------

Dear god, this kid is somewhat annoying. As we walk through the city, I stare at his face. This is usually how I get to know people from afar. He seems almost... mysterious. He seems be in thought a lot, to be honest. We enter the building, a rustic place I've been to many times before. The waiter comes up, and we order our usual.

"So how's this school treating you?"

"I've been trying to get my bearings. I ran into some of the other girls as well." Ran into? I'm pretty sure half of the girls here would be all over him if they got the chance. I'll never be able to talk to him as a true friend.

"So you are a ladies man, eh Sato?" He blushed madly. This guy is so awkward it's funny. "Ha, just kidding Sato."

------------------------------------------------------------

After dinner, I feel obligated to give him a little something. My dad taught me how to make this, so it's dear to me. I hand it to him, purposefully shying away from him.

Aww shit. He's clutching his head now. I turn and see the waiter's attention on us.

"Are you OK!" I yelled, shaking him.

After he regains his composure, Sara asks "Are you OK?'

"I'm good." He says. It seems for a second that he is making a decision, but he speaks. "I... have a sorta memory thing. Disassociative fugue. Sorry to scare you, Aki. I really liked your gift."

He did? I blush and stammer out numbers as part of a ritual. I do this just to make sure he is safe.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Ok. 123567. Wash up and brush teeth for 3 minutes. Make sure the door is locked. Put on nightgown. tap the underside of the bed three times. I know this is tedious, but I can't help it. I know he's not going to die, I'm just doing this to make sure. What do I really feel for him? Will he be a freind who can see past my OCD and treat me as an equal? Or is he something more...
Last edited by Suzaku on Sun Jul 09, 2017 5:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jun 26, 2017 6:25 pm

Okay, tenses are really all over the place in this one. I think it's supposed to be present tense now, but there are at least a dozen past tenses strewn in.

Also, did you have two different people talk on the same line here?
"H-hello!" Shit! Gotta keep calm! Easy now. "W-what did you need?"
Can't make any sense of it otherwise.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Suzaku
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Suzaku » Mon Jun 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Okay, tenses are really all over the place in this one. I think it's supposed to be present tense now, but there are at least a dozen past tenses strewn in.

Also, did you have two different people talk on the same line here?
"H-hello!" Shit! Gotta keep calm! Easy now. "W-what did you need?"
Can't make any sense of it otherwise.
Crap, sorry about tenses. I'll fix that. It's her speaking twice, with an interval placed in. I ripped it from the previous chapter, sorry.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Jun 27, 2017 10:44 am

If she's speaking twice, what's the next line about?
His response took me way off guard. Seriously, this guy is so dense.
He hasn't responded at all...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Suzaku
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Suzaku » Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:21 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:If she's speaking twice, what's the next line about?
His response took me way off guard. Seriously, this guy is so dense.
He hasn't responded at all...[/quote

This is basically a retelling of the last chapter, where he responds at this junction. If you notice, I also exclude some other dialogue. Sorry for the confusion.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:57 pm

Yes, I did notice, but if you exclude dialogue you can't have other characters reacting to it...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Suzaku
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Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2017 11:18 am

Re: Fading Memories

Post by Suzaku » Tue Jun 27, 2017 5:31 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Yes, I did notice, but if you exclude dialogue you can't have other characters reacting to it...
Fair point. I'll keep that in mind. I didn't wanna bore others by repeating myself.

Suzaku
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Suzaku » Tue Jun 27, 2017 8:31 pm

Chapter 3:

"Sis, come on!"

The two kids ran through a field of grass. It was sunset, and the sun illuminated the field they were running in.

"No fair, bro! You always beat me!"

"Suck it up! Dinner is ready at home now."

------------------------------------------------------

Jeez, what was that dream about? Am I truly regaining my memories? I look at the clock, and realize: I'm running short! Damn! I take note that I need to buy supplies, preferably on a day with only one class.

------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Nakai is an interesting teacher. I like that he tries to engage us with his lessons, and he's a good person, but he seems almost... too laid back? His classroom sure reflects this. He has all kinds of "Chemistry and Physics for beginners" posters through his otherwise white room. I put away the notes I took as the bell rings for class. I know those two girls are going to ask me about joining a club, I hope Sara or- Mr. Nakai! He is walking in my direction.

"Well, the counselor wants to see you about something after classes end. My wife seems to take a liking to you." He winked.

I groaned internally at his akward sense of humor.

"Anyways, You'll like the English teacher. I believe you have her next class?"

I nod.

-------------------------------------------------------

After that debacle I just want lunch. Where are the girls? I go into the room, but only Sara is here today. Odd. The room's darker interior is more noticable, although it is still pretty bland, like a lot of the other white rooms here.

"You are wondering what happened to Aoki, yes?"

Startled, I noticed a third person. Wait... She's the girl that ran out of class! I nod to acknowledge Sara.

"It's the 4th of the month. She never really goes out on the 4th. Bad luck, she says." She perks up suddenly. "Oh! This is Azumi!"

"Hello." I noticed that Azumi had an almost flat voice. "I'm just here for a bit. I just study with her when Aoki is away."

I nod. She must have a particularly bad case of DID if Aoki is scared of her.

We sit, drinking out of the cans Sara provided.

"Agggh!" I hear suddenly, as Azumi dashes away.

"Sorry for the sudden departure on her part, Sato. She is really shy, and despite not looking it, one of her personalities is utterly sadistic and violent." She whispers in my ear: "I really wish she could not live her life in fear."

I hugged Sara, as she let a tear fall. "I'm useless if I can't help heal my freinds."

I knew I had to do something. "I'll help you as best as I can. With both of them."

She smiled. "Thanks, Satokun."

--------------------------------------------------

As I wait for class, I see a blond haired woman walk in. The first thing I see is her cane. She's blind!?

"Good evening, class. I am Mrs. Satou. You may have already noticed, that, yes, I am blind. I have a different way of grading things that I will go through now."

She sure is gaining my interest. I listen intently, and take notes on the first lessons.

---------------------------------------------------

After class, Mrs. Satou comes up to me. "Nakai told me about you. Both of them, actually. So I expect you to be a fine student. They don't seem to be wrong yet." She lr

Dear god, I can imagine his exact expression when he told her about me. Why does Mr. Nakai care so much?

I hear a sigh behind me. Setzuko's partner comes up to me. "That class was haaaaarrrrd! What did you think, Satochaaan?"

I flinch at her volume level, and so does Mrs. Satou.

"Could you perhaps... turn it down a notch?"

Seeing opportunity, I fled to get to my meeting with Mrs. Nakai. I really need to ask Setzuko's partner her name. That is, if I don't go deaf from her voice.

-----------------------------------------------

"So, you got the message, Mr. Fujimoto?"

"Just call me Satoshi or Sato."

She smiled. "Not one for pleasantries, I see?" Her face went into a slight frown. "One of your classmates told me about an 'episode' you had at a cafe. You should really tell me about these. I figure something tripped your memory?"

Contemplating, I sighed. "I remembered a time I was making someone a paper crane."

She smiled again. "Seems we don't need to use the... extreme measures on you. As a part of your therapy, however, I've decided to use games to help you ease into the therapy, with the focus being your social interactions and how to really interact with others at the school"

"How did you know I had a problem with that?"

"You kind of gawk at people's unique... circumstances. Like my scars, for instance."

Wait! CRAP! I am staring! She chuckled as I quickly averted my gaze.

"Also, Satou and Mr. Nakai have noticed your circumstances. I feel as if some traumatic event earlier in your life may have caused this social aversion, and he agrees."

I shrug. "Figures. I just hope I don't flashback to it at the worst time."

Mrs. Nakai turned, as she picked a game. Huh. I've never really played Go before.

She explains the rules, and then we play.

---------------------------------------------------

Mrs. Nakai smirks as I hang my head in utter defeat.

"You know, this was actually helpful in my therapy. I wasn't always this unafraid." She then smiles. "I hope you'll enjoy our sessions together."

I comment "How so?"

She frowns. "Let's just say these scars did not help matters."

----------------------------------------------------

I reflect on my life as I lay in bed.

"Who am I? Why am I here? Why are the people here so eager to help? Mr. Nakai, Mrs. Nakai, and Mrs. Satou. They've all tried to help."

I sigh in anger. Why does my life have to be difficult? I then get up, intending to do my homework. Man, I sure have a large pile.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jun 28, 2017 12:12 pm

A few cultural remarks mixed in with the rest...
His classroom sure reflects this. He has all kinds of "Chemistry and Physics for beginners" posters through his otherwise white room.
In Japan teachers don't have their own classrooms. They visit the classrooms of their students.
I hugged Sara, as she let a tear fall. "I'm useless if I can't help heal my freinds."
Hugging is completely unthinkable between casual acquaintances in Japan. (Also Past tense...)
They don't seem to be wrong yet."
Did you mean: "They haven't been wrong yet"?
Setzuko's partner comes up to me.
"Setzuko" is not a Japanese name. "Setsuko" is.

Also again a number of past tenses cropping up where they shouldn't be.

A bit of general advice: Your chapters are pretty short, and they all consist of multiple "scenes" that consist of no more than a couple of lines individually. The impression this makes on the reader is that you have a few key points that you want to happen in the chapter and you're trying to get that written in as few words as humanly possible. If you have a dialogue it consists only of the critically important lines and once they're done you're already skipping to the next scene.

Take your time!

It's much better to get a chapter out every week instead of every other day if those chapters are fleshed out a bit, so we can get to know the characters better.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Suzaku » Fri Jun 30, 2017 12:16 pm

Chapter 4:

"Urrrgh." Why does morning have to come so early? Oh well. I look across my dorm. This place is pretty boring, what with the shade of white. I haven't been able to decorate it, to be honest. I go through my usual preparations. I then check my watch:

7:10 AM

Ok, that gives me enough time for breakfast. I head down, trying not to get lost. I approach the cafeteria, and I see Sara eating quite a bit. She waves in my direction. After waiting in a line, I sit next to her.

"How are you, Sato!" She stifles a huge yawn. "Darn it, I hate insomnia." She chugged down the usual mug of coffee.

"Ehh, I'm fine. Still a bit new, but I'm getting used to this place."

She smiles between bites. "That's good! Speaking of which, have you considered any clubs? Me and Aoki aren't in any, but maybe you'd be interested?"

I shake my head. "Nah. I honestly am still sitting on it. Say, that girl who runs the student council, do you know her?"

She gives a quizzical look. "Setsuko? I know that she's encountered you a few times. What about her?"

"Why is she so blunt? I mean, she doesn't even seem to follow the social conventions I've seen."

She sighed. "Tell you the truth, I think that she is just as lost and confused as the rest of us. She is really smart, but lacks in social matters. But we are all different in our own ways."

I finished my food, but then remembered. "Ahh, would you guys mind escorting me to town? I need to get some supplies for the dorm."

She beamed at my suggestion. "Of course we wouldn't! You want me to bring Aoki too, right? Don't tell me... you have a thing for her?"

Wait, WHAT?! I spit my drink in shock. "I-it's not like that!"

"Just teasing, just teasing! You looked like you had a heart attack there!" She laughed.

Dammit I really have to stop being lured like that.

As I leave her, I note that she is way too jolly for someone who has not slept the whole night.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahh, Mr. Nakai's class. Where do I start? I take out a pen and paper, ready for note taking.

In the middle of the lesson, I hear something loud and distant, getting closer. it sounds an awful lot like:

"~HIIIICCCCHHHAAAANNNNN!~"

Mr. Nakai's stoic expression changes to one of bewilderment and shock. This looks very amusing, to be honest.

"classisoutearlyfor-" he begins to say, but a mass of pink tackles him before he can finish.

He yells out. "Dear god, Misha! You could have killed me on the spot!"

The girl gets off of him. Her pink hair provides a contrast to the black and white she is wearing, and she has a smile on her face.

"Sorry Hicchan! I was just excited to see you!" She then turns to our class. "Hello! So you are Hicchan's students?"

I take note of the incredibly endearing nickname she has for our teacher. I fully intend to use this against him at one point. The girl, despite being Nakai's age, has the most childlike face I've seen.

"Ahem. Sorry class, this is a freind of mine, Mrs. Mikado. She teaches at an American school for the deaf."

Neat. Were all of Nakai's freinds this crazy? I only know three so far, but I get the impression he had a lot to deal with.

She then looks at me quizzically. "This guy looks almost like you did in Yamaku! Is he as good of a student?" She winks at me.

"Satoshi has the potential to be a good student, if he does not slack off and start chasing skirts."

Ouch.

--------------------------------------------------------

After class, Mr. Nakai pulled me over. "Have you been making friends yet?"

"Well, I am hanging with Sara and Aoki. I've also seen Azumi."

He smiles. "They're good people. Aoki is really nice when you get to know her. Sara, however, I think goes too overboard on the niceness."

"What do you mean?"

"Have you seen that she never accepts favors from anyone, and is all too willing to give everything she has to others, including her time?"

Now that he mentions it, she has done things like this.

"I don't mean to keep you from your shopping trip though. Have fun." He smiles in a teasingly sly way.

Dammit, why does he keep teasing me! It's like he himself has been through this!

Aoki and Sara meet me at the door. Is it just me, or is Aoki blushing?

"Hey, Sato!"

After I greet the two, we walk. Suprisingly, Aoki speaks up.

"M-mrs. Nakai told me about y-your situation. D-don't go hiding your memory l-loss. We a-are here to h-help you." She says this while giving me a weak smile.

Fair point. Although I thought patient confidentiality was a thing? At least they didn't bet on it.

Sara pouts. "So that's why your here. Dammit, I owe Setsuko 500 yen!"

...............

"You bet on my condition? Why do you guys take things like this so lightly!?"

"Geez, calm down. We are all the same here. We laugh and cry just like normal people. Besides, can't we have a little fun, Satochan?" She winks.

Dammit, her pouting face is so cute. Fine, she wins this time.

"So do you... like anyone?"

They are caught off guard at my question, and Aoki almost turns crimson.

"Never mind, never mind." I apologize in haste.

We continue the walk, the sun blazing down on us. The greenery is a nice sight to behold, and there are almost no cars on the road.

We reach the store in about ten minutes.

"Ok, I need to get soap, deodorant, shaving cream, a razor, shampoo, and some notebooks, as well as pencils."

----------------------------------------------------

Thank god I have some money from the government. It's not much, but it helps.

Aoki stares at me as we walk back from the store. She seems very anxious about something. I should probably-

"Wow, you sure bought a lot! It's a good thing you have some money!" Sara almost yells this out.

As we walk, It's apparent that Aoki is trying to say something, but does not want Sara to hear.

When we get back to the dorms, I pull her aside.

"I-i have an answer t-to your earlier question. She blushes, and holds my hand for a small bit. She dashes off.

Wait. Was she referring to ME? This is very confusing. I've barely talked to her!

Oh well, I need to study. I wave off Sara, and go back to my dorms.

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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Jul 01, 2017 9:20 am

"Satoshi has the potential to be a good student, if he does not slack off and start chasing skirts."
A comment like that in front of the whole class?
"M-mrs. Nakai told me about y-your situation. D-don't go hiding your memory l-loss. We a-are here to h-help you." She says this while giving me a weak smile.
There Hanako goes violating patient confidentiality. If anyone knows that this should not be done it would be her!
"So do you... like anyone?"
Where did that come from? It's not a question you ask someone you've only met a few days before...
As we walk, It's apparent that Aoki is trying to say something, but does not want Sara to hear.
So I was wondering, why he calls Aoki by her last name and Sara by her given name...
Now I'm beginning to suspect you intended Aoki to be her given name?
Aoki is most often used only as a last name in Japan. In those few cases where it is used as a given name it is used for boys only.

Also tenses.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Oddball » Sun Jul 02, 2017 11:45 am

Normally having the student show up, meet the teacher, and go straight to class on his first day is a cliche I like to avoid. Since the teacher here IS Hisao though, it kinda works. I just think if you're going to do that, you need to call a bit more attention to it.
"Alright, I'll bite. I pick them." He points to a girl with dyed blue hair and one with raven black hair sitting together. Well, more like the black haired girl was trying to wake the other.

Mr. Nakai visibly beamed. We then moved our desks close together. By that time, the blue haired girl had been woken up.

"And you two are?"

"The name's Sara."

The other girl visibly seems to stutter, "A-aoki."

"So what's with the 'I guess?'"
Nobody said "I guess."
Great, now they're trying to dote on me. Fantastic.
The guy only knows his own name because the doctor told him. I wouldn't think he'd be upset at the idea that there's some kind of memory therapist trying to help him.
- He just woke up and starts exploring... The dorms? Does this school have mixed dorms? Or does he go to another building first?
I'm with Mirage here. They way you wrote it suggests he woke up and decided he wants to go check out the girl's dorms... which is kinda suspect.

Other than those problems though, the story seems interesting enough and the characters likable, so it's not a bad start.
Not Dead Yet

Suzaku
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Suzaku » Sun Jul 02, 2017 7:47 pm

Ok, due to the fact that I am not liking the way my chapters are formatted, and due to the fact that my approach has slightly changed, I am restarting this story. I have done this upon reading the critiques, and will try to make the rewritten chapters better based on them. :D

Suzaku
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Re: Fading Memories

Post by Suzaku » Mon Jul 03, 2017 10:55 am

I have updated my first chapter, and I want to ask. Is it better? I will be updating the other chapters later, probably today or tomorrow at the earliest.

Also, how does one post pictures ere? I assume through Imgur or something like that.
EDIT: Chapter 2 has now been updated.

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