Out of Mind
-
Kaito_Mind
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Tue May 30, 2017 11:14 am
Re: Out of Mind
After discovering Katawa Shoujo for the first time this year, I couldn't help but create a Fanfic for it.
CAN YOU BEAR ANOTHER'S PAIN?
EDIT:
I've restructured the first part of the story as it was rushing ahead far too quickly. The first chapter is different to the first rendition so have another read as not to get lost.
Chapter One
A Performance to Remember
I can barely feel the sharpness of the grit beneath my fingers. Pain is starting to take over my senses; the world is becoming a blur. Just breathing feels like a battle, as if my lungs are being suppressed. Try as I might, I can’t grasp onto what has led to this. Why am I here? Why do I feel this way? I want to plead for help but my lips refuse to cooperate. Only my mind can hear my pleas and endless questions. In my effort to recover memory of the last moments that brought me here, I find myself travelling too far. All I can do is close my eyes.
The school play? It feels like a lifetime ago but I can see it in my painful solitude. Our school was hosting its yearly performance. This time it was my class responsible for the act. Out of all the choices, it was almost a unanimous decision to go for a horror theme. I helped out with some of the props but I didn’t have any intentions on acting.
“Come on! You’d be great as the zombie!”
My friend Hiroki had been trying to get me to join him. He’d signed up almost straight away as the mad scientist. He certainly fit the role.
“I think I’ll skip, thanks,” I carried on painting one of the fake coffins.
Although I wasn’t enthusiastic about acting, I could at least help out by making props. That way I could be left alone to think. Hiroki’s monster groans didn’t help my concentration.
“Cut it out!” My tone may have been harsher than I had meant it to be.
“You never want to do anything. You never want to play sports, or go running with me.”
Hiroki’s overabundance of energy was never spent, even with all the activities he took part in. I didn’t find much joy in his hobbies personally. We’d become friends more from convenience. We sat together on the first day and started to chat. Since then we sort of stuck together. The crack I was painting into the side of the coffin became jagged as my focus broke. Maybe he was right. Turning him down was almost becoming a hobby onto itself. I spent more time alone than with others. I’d never thought of it as a problem until I saw Hiroki’s expression. Immediately I was hit with a wave of guilt. The way his eyebrows raised, almost begging me to take part. I found my desire to say no break apart as I contemplated the idea that it could be good for me, and maybe even some fun.
“I guess… I could give it a try. I’ve never acted before,” My voice still stuttered from indecisiveness.
“Yes!” He threw his fist in the air. “It will be fun! Besides, you’ve got to find something you enjoy eventually. I’m still getting you to play football with me though,” He made a huge grin.
I just shrugged. I could imagine how well that would go. Mr two left feet stumbling over the ball and his friend Hiroki in fits of laughter over him. Fun, fun, fun.
“Reading is a hobby,” I muttered.
“A boring hobby! I’ll get the signup sheet.”
I added extra lines to fix the rather rounded crack I had painted on the cardboard coffin. I didn’t like the sight of an obvious mistake, it had to be just right. Hiroki was gone when I turned back. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. My shyness wasn’t exactly a boon and now I was going to be on stage in front of all of our parents and teachers. I’d finished the first side of my work when I heard the stamping of feet and a cool rush of air beside me. Hiroki was inches away from me when he stopped. There was no regret in his eyes, as if he knew that he was going to stop right where he wanted to no matter what.
“Got it!” He waved the paper in front of my face with an enthusiastic glee.
His closed eyes and massive grin caused me to laugh lightly as a rush of excitement hit me. I thought that Hiroki’s willingness to jump into the deep end without a moment’s thought was becoming contagious. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad? After all, Hiroki would be there with me.
“Just down there,” he pointed out the right place on the scrunched up sheet, making his impatience resounding.
It hit me that I would be the one in the very coffin at my feet. Making my own coffin, that wasn’t a thought I wanted to dwell on. I have to admit, when we began rehearsals, I was fighting a losing battle with my desire to carry on but after seeing Hiroki, I had no intention on pulling out. Although my part wasn’t very exciting, Hiroki took to his with such vigour that he made every session memorable. The twitching eyes, the mad voice that went up and down uncontrollably. I began to wonder if he knew he wasn’t really a mad scientist. Other members of the group had to hold back giggling every time he spoke. As enjoyable as it was, on the night we would have to be strong to hold it back. I found that looking away helped to rip me out of the authenticity.
We felt as prepared as we could be when the big night hit. My part wasn’t big so at least I wouldn’t be on stage for too long. I felt neutral about the affair until I saw the other students. Nerves racked through them like a disease. My eyes darted between them. I picked up on similar movements. Two were biting lightly onto their hand, another scratched the side of her nose. I was fine about my role and yet my left hand was rubbing the back of the other. I wasn’t sure why. I guess I wasn’t going to escape the rest of the class’ torture after all.
Hiroki and I had agreed to meet at the back of the hall before the first scene for mutual support. I waited for a while, watching the time tick away as the play approached. Parents were being funnelled towards their seats and still there was no sign of Hiroki. Amongst the crowd, I spotted Hiroki’s mother and father. It was strange, he had told me that his father was away on business errands.
Something didn’t feel right. Hiroki wasn’t in the first scene but we were all expected to be by the hall through the whole thing. I slipped away whilst our class teacher was busy adjusting another student’s costume. My first thought was that he was having trouble with his own, but the drama room was void of people. I checked each place we would hang out, including the bench where we would eat under the old willow tree. There was still no sign of him.
This wasn’t like him at all. At first I’d cast off the problem as something simple but now I was growing anxious. If he wasn’t there then the whole thing was ruined. I entered the bathroom and stared into the mirror above the sinks. I looked ridiculous. I’d agreed to do it but the person I was relying on for support wasn’t there. The idea of backing out myself wasn’t far away when I heard someone breathe deeply in one of the stalls. The door was ajar, drawing my curiosity. Inside I found the very person I was looking for.
He didn’t look like the same Hiroki I knew. It wasn’t the fake bloodstains on his costume or the wig that did it. It was the glint of fear in his eyes and the biting of his lower lip that caused me to step back.
“Hiroki? What’s happened?”
I couldn’t imagine it being nerves that played on his mind. The boy who had lit up every rehearsal surely couldn’t be the person in front of me, yet it was. He wiped his eye when he heard me. His teeth left his lip and he replaced his biting with a grin. It wouldn’t convince me. His face smiled but his eyes told a different truth.
“Hey man. The play is soon, right?”
His question was bland, completely contradicting where he was and what he was doing.
“It is. We should be by the hall.”
He wouldn’t make eye contact. Instead, they were drawn to an immature scribble on the side of the stall. He let out a quick laugh. To me, he was trying to distract himself, or shut me out.
“Has something happened? Are you nervous about it?” I asked, still unsure as to his actions myself.
“Not a bit! I… just don’t want to do it with him here.”
His excitable demeanour broke through for a moment but it didn’t last. I had one guess as to whom he was referring to.
“Do you mean your Dad?”
He scrunched the side of his mouth up and shrugged.
“He said he was busy.”
I didn’t know much about Hiroki’s father. His mother was nice enough but Hiroki never spoke of him.
“Does he not want you to be in the play?” I didn’t want to push him but I was also conscious of the time.
“I don’t want to disappoint him.”
His brow scrunched. It looked me like anger than fear. I felt useless. I could see my friend conflicted in front of me and I didn’t know how to react. Like with his belting energy, I found myself mimicking his sense of frustration. It drove me to try and fix the situation we were both now in.
“I don’t think you will disappoint him. You were great in the rehearsals.”
His mouth opened as he remembered.
“That was then.”
I had no doubt that he could do it. He on the other hand didn’t share my belief.
“If I’m honest Hiroki, I’m bricking it too. So is everyone else. Even if we muck it up, at least we can do it together and have a laugh. You said that, right? It will be fun.”
I prayed that I could get through to him. I couldn’t leave him there, not with everyone relying on him. At last he made eye contact with me. My expression was similar to his. He could see the uncertainty in my own eyes. He came to realise how much I needed him too, almost as if it was a mutual agreement.
“Maybe… I could try.”
I grinned.
“Let’s do it! I know you will be brilliant!”
He stood up and sighed.
“I can’t let you fumble about without my help after all,” He thumped his hand on my shoulder a little harder than I liked but I was used to it. “But my dad…”
He still couldn’t quite gather the strength to enter the hallway.
“Today’s about fun. Just be yourself, like you were in the rehearsals. I’m more likely to make a mess of things,” it didn’t help me to point out my own nerves but if I could shoulder some of his anxiety, maybe he’d feel better.
So with shared nerves and a fear of disappointing our parents, we went onto that stage and tried to drown it out. As our first scene together began, it clicked and our mind journeyed back to the rehearsals. Hiroki’s energetic voice had the audience in fits of laughter as he was drawn back into his character. His eyes never met his father’s and mine wouldn’t be drawn to my own parents. They had to be invisible. It worked like a charm. Although I could see Hiroki’s hand shaking behind his back, he didn’t show it to the onlookers.
I felt so stupid making zombie moans and grunts through my scenes but I picked out each person in the crowd and I was filled with an absorbed joy. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe it was the thrill of acting, or something more. As I continued to look on, I began to feel overwhelmed. All I could do was look away. I kept my cool and listened to my friend continue his maddening rambles. My scenes came to an end and as I left the stage, I saw Hiroki shoot back a thumbs up. He’d really helped me that day, I just didn’t know how much the feeling was mutual.
I leant against the wall out of sight of the audience and focused on my breathing. Stage fright was a nasty thing after all, I thought to myself, but there was a growing sense of accomplishment there. It was a small part but I had done it, even when struggling with the urge to quit I carried on because of Hiroki. I’d even had some fun in the process.
Music flooded the hall as one of the dance scenes began. We were meant to stay backstage but many of the students couldn’t help but peek inside through the side door to watch the spectacle. I hadn’t been privy to this part during rehearsals so I joined them with a guilty grin. I don’t know how often they had practiced but the girls were amazing. The one up front I recognised in particular. Ruby Takahashi. If anyone in our year said they didn’t know her, they would be lying. On stage she was just as electric as she was in the classroom, only now her endearing laughter and free spiritedness translated into movement. I had no clue she was so good at dancing.
I found myself enthralled by the performance, more so than I had imagined. All of them were enjoying it, but for Ruby, the expression on her face told it all. She was alive in a way that filled myself with a similar happiness. The way she muttered the lyrics as she moved and the way her cheeks swelled in a smile gave me no reason to break my gaze. My hobbies were few and far between but that night I was given a glimpse from both Hiroki and Ruby of what it meant to be passionate about something. A sense of regret gripped me.
Only when the music fell silent and the students were met with cheers from the audience did reality set in. I clapped along. Amongst the crowd I saw one man stand up. There was no embarrassment from him, just outright joy. His eyes fixated on Ruby with pure pride. I wondered if this was the type of reaction Hiroki wanted from his own father. As the appraisal quietened down, the man took his seat again, next to the empty chair beside him.
I surprised myself when I had the urge to return to the stage and become part of the enjoyment again. My role was over, but more and more I started to understand why Hiroki took part in so many activities. If this was the buzz you gained from being part of a group that shared the same passion, then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. I could already hear the endless strings of ‘told you so’ Hiroki would throw my way.
The final scene crept up on us. As the evening came to an end, we all took one last bow. The show had been a success. For me, it had been more than that.
“Thanks, Kaito.”
I heard Hiroki’s whisper beside me. I was going to say something in reply but his gaze was on one person in particular. One man held his hands together, lightly tapping them on occasion. He had a weak grin on his face. Although it didn’t seen much to me, it meant the world to Hiroki.
“I guess it was fun after all,” I didn’t want to admit too much, or he’d start teasing.
“Told you.”
It was a while before we could go home. We still had to get out of our costumes and pack away some of the props. The face paint would have to wait though, even if I felt like a freak still wearing it. Many of the other students were scatter-brained, the rush of the performance still being high. The loud and excitable chatter died down by the lockers. I noticed Ruby was the last to leave. She gathered something from her locker and promptly slipped it into her bag, her head bobbing along to some invisible tune. The infectious smile was still on her face. It drew me in like a magnet.
“That was amazing Ruby. I didn’t know you could dance like that.”
She was startled slightly, as if my voice had broken off the song in her head.
“Oh, Kaito. Thanks. It was great, wasn’t it?”
I think she was referring to the play as a whole in her modesty.
“Hiroki was so funny! I wish I could have seen him in rehearsals.”
Apparently the class had been watching the whole thing from the side-lines after all. It made me feel less guilty about doing it myself.
“Trust me, we had to learn to stop laughing, it wasn’t easy.”
She giggled.
“I can imagine.”
We were hit with an awkward silence for a moment before she snapped us back out of it.
“Well, I better be going. Dad’s waiting.”
“Oh, sure. See you.”
She clasped onto her bag and gave me a wave before darting off. She was hopping as she did so, the music she could hear in her head had returned just as soon as it had disappeared. I stood alone for a moment by the lockers. There was no one around me for the first time in hours. The rush of energy I had discovered from them quickly faded. I found my mind fall empty. It was the first time I’d been involved in an activity with everyone and I assumed I was drained. Not wanting to think on it any longer, I made my way back to the classroom.
“There you are! I thought you’d left already.”
Hiroki looked so odd with the wig off but his fake moustache still in place.
“Nah. Just chatting.”
He hummed.
“By the lockers?”
Had he been spying on me?
“Yeah, why?"
He looked away and grinned.
“No reason.”
The unusually high pitch of his voice left me with a hint of embarrassment.
CAN YOU BEAR ANOTHER'S PAIN?
EDIT:
I've restructured the first part of the story as it was rushing ahead far too quickly. The first chapter is different to the first rendition so have another read as not to get lost.
Chapter One
A Performance to Remember
I can barely feel the sharpness of the grit beneath my fingers. Pain is starting to take over my senses; the world is becoming a blur. Just breathing feels like a battle, as if my lungs are being suppressed. Try as I might, I can’t grasp onto what has led to this. Why am I here? Why do I feel this way? I want to plead for help but my lips refuse to cooperate. Only my mind can hear my pleas and endless questions. In my effort to recover memory of the last moments that brought me here, I find myself travelling too far. All I can do is close my eyes.
The school play? It feels like a lifetime ago but I can see it in my painful solitude. Our school was hosting its yearly performance. This time it was my class responsible for the act. Out of all the choices, it was almost a unanimous decision to go for a horror theme. I helped out with some of the props but I didn’t have any intentions on acting.
“Come on! You’d be great as the zombie!”
My friend Hiroki had been trying to get me to join him. He’d signed up almost straight away as the mad scientist. He certainly fit the role.
“I think I’ll skip, thanks,” I carried on painting one of the fake coffins.
Although I wasn’t enthusiastic about acting, I could at least help out by making props. That way I could be left alone to think. Hiroki’s monster groans didn’t help my concentration.
“Cut it out!” My tone may have been harsher than I had meant it to be.
“You never want to do anything. You never want to play sports, or go running with me.”
Hiroki’s overabundance of energy was never spent, even with all the activities he took part in. I didn’t find much joy in his hobbies personally. We’d become friends more from convenience. We sat together on the first day and started to chat. Since then we sort of stuck together. The crack I was painting into the side of the coffin became jagged as my focus broke. Maybe he was right. Turning him down was almost becoming a hobby onto itself. I spent more time alone than with others. I’d never thought of it as a problem until I saw Hiroki’s expression. Immediately I was hit with a wave of guilt. The way his eyebrows raised, almost begging me to take part. I found my desire to say no break apart as I contemplated the idea that it could be good for me, and maybe even some fun.
“I guess… I could give it a try. I’ve never acted before,” My voice still stuttered from indecisiveness.
“Yes!” He threw his fist in the air. “It will be fun! Besides, you’ve got to find something you enjoy eventually. I’m still getting you to play football with me though,” He made a huge grin.
I just shrugged. I could imagine how well that would go. Mr two left feet stumbling over the ball and his friend Hiroki in fits of laughter over him. Fun, fun, fun.
“Reading is a hobby,” I muttered.
“A boring hobby! I’ll get the signup sheet.”
I added extra lines to fix the rather rounded crack I had painted on the cardboard coffin. I didn’t like the sight of an obvious mistake, it had to be just right. Hiroki was gone when I turned back. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. My shyness wasn’t exactly a boon and now I was going to be on stage in front of all of our parents and teachers. I’d finished the first side of my work when I heard the stamping of feet and a cool rush of air beside me. Hiroki was inches away from me when he stopped. There was no regret in his eyes, as if he knew that he was going to stop right where he wanted to no matter what.
“Got it!” He waved the paper in front of my face with an enthusiastic glee.
His closed eyes and massive grin caused me to laugh lightly as a rush of excitement hit me. I thought that Hiroki’s willingness to jump into the deep end without a moment’s thought was becoming contagious. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad? After all, Hiroki would be there with me.
“Just down there,” he pointed out the right place on the scrunched up sheet, making his impatience resounding.
It hit me that I would be the one in the very coffin at my feet. Making my own coffin, that wasn’t a thought I wanted to dwell on. I have to admit, when we began rehearsals, I was fighting a losing battle with my desire to carry on but after seeing Hiroki, I had no intention on pulling out. Although my part wasn’t very exciting, Hiroki took to his with such vigour that he made every session memorable. The twitching eyes, the mad voice that went up and down uncontrollably. I began to wonder if he knew he wasn’t really a mad scientist. Other members of the group had to hold back giggling every time he spoke. As enjoyable as it was, on the night we would have to be strong to hold it back. I found that looking away helped to rip me out of the authenticity.
We felt as prepared as we could be when the big night hit. My part wasn’t big so at least I wouldn’t be on stage for too long. I felt neutral about the affair until I saw the other students. Nerves racked through them like a disease. My eyes darted between them. I picked up on similar movements. Two were biting lightly onto their hand, another scratched the side of her nose. I was fine about my role and yet my left hand was rubbing the back of the other. I wasn’t sure why. I guess I wasn’t going to escape the rest of the class’ torture after all.
Hiroki and I had agreed to meet at the back of the hall before the first scene for mutual support. I waited for a while, watching the time tick away as the play approached. Parents were being funnelled towards their seats and still there was no sign of Hiroki. Amongst the crowd, I spotted Hiroki’s mother and father. It was strange, he had told me that his father was away on business errands.
Something didn’t feel right. Hiroki wasn’t in the first scene but we were all expected to be by the hall through the whole thing. I slipped away whilst our class teacher was busy adjusting another student’s costume. My first thought was that he was having trouble with his own, but the drama room was void of people. I checked each place we would hang out, including the bench where we would eat under the old willow tree. There was still no sign of him.
This wasn’t like him at all. At first I’d cast off the problem as something simple but now I was growing anxious. If he wasn’t there then the whole thing was ruined. I entered the bathroom and stared into the mirror above the sinks. I looked ridiculous. I’d agreed to do it but the person I was relying on for support wasn’t there. The idea of backing out myself wasn’t far away when I heard someone breathe deeply in one of the stalls. The door was ajar, drawing my curiosity. Inside I found the very person I was looking for.
He didn’t look like the same Hiroki I knew. It wasn’t the fake bloodstains on his costume or the wig that did it. It was the glint of fear in his eyes and the biting of his lower lip that caused me to step back.
“Hiroki? What’s happened?”
I couldn’t imagine it being nerves that played on his mind. The boy who had lit up every rehearsal surely couldn’t be the person in front of me, yet it was. He wiped his eye when he heard me. His teeth left his lip and he replaced his biting with a grin. It wouldn’t convince me. His face smiled but his eyes told a different truth.
“Hey man. The play is soon, right?”
His question was bland, completely contradicting where he was and what he was doing.
“It is. We should be by the hall.”
He wouldn’t make eye contact. Instead, they were drawn to an immature scribble on the side of the stall. He let out a quick laugh. To me, he was trying to distract himself, or shut me out.
“Has something happened? Are you nervous about it?” I asked, still unsure as to his actions myself.
“Not a bit! I… just don’t want to do it with him here.”
His excitable demeanour broke through for a moment but it didn’t last. I had one guess as to whom he was referring to.
“Do you mean your Dad?”
He scrunched the side of his mouth up and shrugged.
“He said he was busy.”
I didn’t know much about Hiroki’s father. His mother was nice enough but Hiroki never spoke of him.
“Does he not want you to be in the play?” I didn’t want to push him but I was also conscious of the time.
“I don’t want to disappoint him.”
His brow scrunched. It looked me like anger than fear. I felt useless. I could see my friend conflicted in front of me and I didn’t know how to react. Like with his belting energy, I found myself mimicking his sense of frustration. It drove me to try and fix the situation we were both now in.
“I don’t think you will disappoint him. You were great in the rehearsals.”
His mouth opened as he remembered.
“That was then.”
I had no doubt that he could do it. He on the other hand didn’t share my belief.
“If I’m honest Hiroki, I’m bricking it too. So is everyone else. Even if we muck it up, at least we can do it together and have a laugh. You said that, right? It will be fun.”
I prayed that I could get through to him. I couldn’t leave him there, not with everyone relying on him. At last he made eye contact with me. My expression was similar to his. He could see the uncertainty in my own eyes. He came to realise how much I needed him too, almost as if it was a mutual agreement.
“Maybe… I could try.”
I grinned.
“Let’s do it! I know you will be brilliant!”
He stood up and sighed.
“I can’t let you fumble about without my help after all,” He thumped his hand on my shoulder a little harder than I liked but I was used to it. “But my dad…”
He still couldn’t quite gather the strength to enter the hallway.
“Today’s about fun. Just be yourself, like you were in the rehearsals. I’m more likely to make a mess of things,” it didn’t help me to point out my own nerves but if I could shoulder some of his anxiety, maybe he’d feel better.
So with shared nerves and a fear of disappointing our parents, we went onto that stage and tried to drown it out. As our first scene together began, it clicked and our mind journeyed back to the rehearsals. Hiroki’s energetic voice had the audience in fits of laughter as he was drawn back into his character. His eyes never met his father’s and mine wouldn’t be drawn to my own parents. They had to be invisible. It worked like a charm. Although I could see Hiroki’s hand shaking behind his back, he didn’t show it to the onlookers.
I felt so stupid making zombie moans and grunts through my scenes but I picked out each person in the crowd and I was filled with an absorbed joy. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe it was the thrill of acting, or something more. As I continued to look on, I began to feel overwhelmed. All I could do was look away. I kept my cool and listened to my friend continue his maddening rambles. My scenes came to an end and as I left the stage, I saw Hiroki shoot back a thumbs up. He’d really helped me that day, I just didn’t know how much the feeling was mutual.
I leant against the wall out of sight of the audience and focused on my breathing. Stage fright was a nasty thing after all, I thought to myself, but there was a growing sense of accomplishment there. It was a small part but I had done it, even when struggling with the urge to quit I carried on because of Hiroki. I’d even had some fun in the process.
Music flooded the hall as one of the dance scenes began. We were meant to stay backstage but many of the students couldn’t help but peek inside through the side door to watch the spectacle. I hadn’t been privy to this part during rehearsals so I joined them with a guilty grin. I don’t know how often they had practiced but the girls were amazing. The one up front I recognised in particular. Ruby Takahashi. If anyone in our year said they didn’t know her, they would be lying. On stage she was just as electric as she was in the classroom, only now her endearing laughter and free spiritedness translated into movement. I had no clue she was so good at dancing.
I found myself enthralled by the performance, more so than I had imagined. All of them were enjoying it, but for Ruby, the expression on her face told it all. She was alive in a way that filled myself with a similar happiness. The way she muttered the lyrics as she moved and the way her cheeks swelled in a smile gave me no reason to break my gaze. My hobbies were few and far between but that night I was given a glimpse from both Hiroki and Ruby of what it meant to be passionate about something. A sense of regret gripped me.
Only when the music fell silent and the students were met with cheers from the audience did reality set in. I clapped along. Amongst the crowd I saw one man stand up. There was no embarrassment from him, just outright joy. His eyes fixated on Ruby with pure pride. I wondered if this was the type of reaction Hiroki wanted from his own father. As the appraisal quietened down, the man took his seat again, next to the empty chair beside him.
I surprised myself when I had the urge to return to the stage and become part of the enjoyment again. My role was over, but more and more I started to understand why Hiroki took part in so many activities. If this was the buzz you gained from being part of a group that shared the same passion, then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. I could already hear the endless strings of ‘told you so’ Hiroki would throw my way.
The final scene crept up on us. As the evening came to an end, we all took one last bow. The show had been a success. For me, it had been more than that.
“Thanks, Kaito.”
I heard Hiroki’s whisper beside me. I was going to say something in reply but his gaze was on one person in particular. One man held his hands together, lightly tapping them on occasion. He had a weak grin on his face. Although it didn’t seen much to me, it meant the world to Hiroki.
“I guess it was fun after all,” I didn’t want to admit too much, or he’d start teasing.
“Told you.”
It was a while before we could go home. We still had to get out of our costumes and pack away some of the props. The face paint would have to wait though, even if I felt like a freak still wearing it. Many of the other students were scatter-brained, the rush of the performance still being high. The loud and excitable chatter died down by the lockers. I noticed Ruby was the last to leave. She gathered something from her locker and promptly slipped it into her bag, her head bobbing along to some invisible tune. The infectious smile was still on her face. It drew me in like a magnet.
“That was amazing Ruby. I didn’t know you could dance like that.”
She was startled slightly, as if my voice had broken off the song in her head.
“Oh, Kaito. Thanks. It was great, wasn’t it?”
I think she was referring to the play as a whole in her modesty.
“Hiroki was so funny! I wish I could have seen him in rehearsals.”
Apparently the class had been watching the whole thing from the side-lines after all. It made me feel less guilty about doing it myself.
“Trust me, we had to learn to stop laughing, it wasn’t easy.”
She giggled.
“I can imagine.”
We were hit with an awkward silence for a moment before she snapped us back out of it.
“Well, I better be going. Dad’s waiting.”
“Oh, sure. See you.”
She clasped onto her bag and gave me a wave before darting off. She was hopping as she did so, the music she could hear in her head had returned just as soon as it had disappeared. I stood alone for a moment by the lockers. There was no one around me for the first time in hours. The rush of energy I had discovered from them quickly faded. I found my mind fall empty. It was the first time I’d been involved in an activity with everyone and I assumed I was drained. Not wanting to think on it any longer, I made my way back to the classroom.
“There you are! I thought you’d left already.”
Hiroki looked so odd with the wig off but his fake moustache still in place.
“Nah. Just chatting.”
He hummed.
“By the lockers?”
Had he been spying on me?
“Yeah, why?"
He looked away and grinned.
“No reason.”
The unusually high pitch of his voice left me with a hint of embarrassment.
Last edited by Kaito_Mind on Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:16 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Mirage_GSM
- Posts: 6212
- Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
- Location: Germany
Re: Out of Mind
Okay... Too early to say much about this story.
The writing is okay, but a word of warning about the characters: The way Kaito was talking to Ruby in this scene was less like one high schooler to another but more like a wise old grandfather dispensing the advice of a long fulfilled life to a young protegé.
So be careful not to make your protagonist into a certified psychologist. If he continues to excel at other stuff besides counselling as the story progesses you will have written a Marie-Sue character.
The writing is okay, but a word of warning about the characters: The way Kaito was talking to Ruby in this scene was less like one high schooler to another but more like a wise old grandfather dispensing the advice of a long fulfilled life to a young protegé.
So be careful not to make your protagonist into a certified psychologist. If he continues to excel at other stuff besides counselling as the story progesses you will have written a Marie-Sue character.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Re: Out of Mind
[intro] Why? You're giving away a little too much of the plot and you're telling, rather than showing. Give your characters a chance to endear themselves to the reader instead of prefacing the story with what essentially is 'THESE ARE MY TWO CHARACTERS. THEY ARE GOING TO DO STUFF AND YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT. NOW YOU MAY READ THE STORY AND LOVE THEIR WHIMSICAL FRIENDSHIP'.
'...or the pain that riles through me.' Riles?
The whole first paragraph is riddled with clichés and roundabout talk. I get that you're trying to build an interest in what happened and what's being referred to, but you have to switch it up a bit with something more tangible.
The second paragraph is a bit better, but it seems to me like you're trying to convey something you can't quite find the words to express. From what I gather Kaito is talking about how he wanted to live the easier life other people seemed to have, but you could improve on that by connecting that to how his own life might have seemed easy to someone looking in, y'know? Then from how he is perceived by others and how that affects him it's a small step to bring up his empathy.
The third paragraph is alright, but it's still a bit vague. Humanize it a little more by giving examples of things he'd pick up on like helping people hook up when they were unable to see their attraction is mutual, or recognizing what to say to get the best result from people. Be creative. Then sneak in that his empathy would spill over into taking on traits from the people he'd interact with, making the transition to the next paragraph smooth.
Fourth: It's solitude, not solitary, unless he's in prison. Again you're telling but not showing. You're also rushing like you can't wait to get to the real story. Take your time man.
Fifth: You're just flying through this thing. Pump the brakes, give a bit more info on Ruby and how she interacted with the rest of the class, aside from being the loudest. Talk some more about the way Kaito sees her and all that fun stuff. It's a story, not a sprint.
Sixth:You're kinda skimming over how the others giving up on trying to figure out what's going on with her. I realize this is Kaito's story, but the way it's written it's like they said 'hi' once and when she didn't respond they told her to fuck off and promptly switched to ignoring her very existence. If you want to make Kaito seem special, use that empathy of his. Does he get how she's feeling? Or does it maybe confuse him? What does he do to try to get closer to her and get her to open up?
From here it seems like you finally get to the story you've been wanting to tell lol, the formatting alone gives it away.
Kaito's inner monologue could be improved by adding his perception of her, trying to figure out what she's thinking and what the right thing for him to say would be, y'know?
The speech seems a bit blunt, I think it'd work better if you lead in with something like the puppy story and then talk about how being sad is ok and all that jazz. Shows Ruby that Kaito can tell how she's feeling and is reaching out to her. Leading in with the heavier subject matter like you've done now would in reality most likely put Ruby on the defensive, rather than getting her to open up. Besides, with how little you've told so far, Ruby and Kaito at this point don't seem to be more than classmates, which doesn't help.
Near the end, the way you have him wonder if he's doing it for her sake or his, you're a bit clumsy with the wording. This links to the next issue, as Kaito's inner monologue is very dramatic and I think he'd benefit from toning it down a little and thinking more like a normal person would. It's fine to have him overthink things and not be sure whether he's helping Ruby for her sake, his own, or -possibly- that his empathy is picking up that she and her friends want her to get better too, even if they don't know how.
tl;dr
take more time to present the story and its characters
show, don't tell
make Kaito think like a human instead of Calculon
have your supporting cast be more than just plot devices and glorified furniture.
keep at it.
'...or the pain that riles through me.' Riles?
The whole first paragraph is riddled with clichés and roundabout talk. I get that you're trying to build an interest in what happened and what's being referred to, but you have to switch it up a bit with something more tangible.
The second paragraph is a bit better, but it seems to me like you're trying to convey something you can't quite find the words to express. From what I gather Kaito is talking about how he wanted to live the easier life other people seemed to have, but you could improve on that by connecting that to how his own life might have seemed easy to someone looking in, y'know? Then from how he is perceived by others and how that affects him it's a small step to bring up his empathy.
The third paragraph is alright, but it's still a bit vague. Humanize it a little more by giving examples of things he'd pick up on like helping people hook up when they were unable to see their attraction is mutual, or recognizing what to say to get the best result from people. Be creative. Then sneak in that his empathy would spill over into taking on traits from the people he'd interact with, making the transition to the next paragraph smooth.
Fourth: It's solitude, not solitary, unless he's in prison. Again you're telling but not showing. You're also rushing like you can't wait to get to the real story. Take your time man.
Fifth: You're just flying through this thing. Pump the brakes, give a bit more info on Ruby and how she interacted with the rest of the class, aside from being the loudest. Talk some more about the way Kaito sees her and all that fun stuff. It's a story, not a sprint.
Sixth:You're kinda skimming over how the others giving up on trying to figure out what's going on with her. I realize this is Kaito's story, but the way it's written it's like they said 'hi' once and when she didn't respond they told her to fuck off and promptly switched to ignoring her very existence. If you want to make Kaito seem special, use that empathy of his. Does he get how she's feeling? Or does it maybe confuse him? What does he do to try to get closer to her and get her to open up?
From here it seems like you finally get to the story you've been wanting to tell lol, the formatting alone gives it away.
Kaito's inner monologue could be improved by adding his perception of her, trying to figure out what she's thinking and what the right thing for him to say would be, y'know?
The speech seems a bit blunt, I think it'd work better if you lead in with something like the puppy story and then talk about how being sad is ok and all that jazz. Shows Ruby that Kaito can tell how she's feeling and is reaching out to her. Leading in with the heavier subject matter like you've done now would in reality most likely put Ruby on the defensive, rather than getting her to open up. Besides, with how little you've told so far, Ruby and Kaito at this point don't seem to be more than classmates, which doesn't help.
Near the end, the way you have him wonder if he's doing it for her sake or his, you're a bit clumsy with the wording. This links to the next issue, as Kaito's inner monologue is very dramatic and I think he'd benefit from toning it down a little and thinking more like a normal person would. It's fine to have him overthink things and not be sure whether he's helping Ruby for her sake, his own, or -possibly- that his empathy is picking up that she and her friends want her to get better too, even if they don't know how.
tl;dr
take more time to present the story and its characters
show, don't tell
make Kaito think like a human instead of Calculon
have your supporting cast be more than just plot devices and glorified furniture.
keep at it.
Miki is pretty cool.
I'm writing a thing and would love feedback.
I'm writing a thing and would love feedback.
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Kaito_Mind
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Tue May 30, 2017 11:14 am
Re: Out of Mind
Thanks for your well written feedback. This is my first story written from a first person perspective and I think it's showing a bit 
getting the right balance between Kaitos' mind and showing rather than telling is going to be tricky but your advise has been very helpful. I'm doing a bit of restructuring for the first part, especially the dialogue and other characters.
getting the right balance between Kaitos' mind and showing rather than telling is going to be tricky but your advise has been very helpful. I'm doing a bit of restructuring for the first part, especially the dialogue and other characters.Re: Out of Mind
we all start somewhere man, I wouldn't bother giving you feedback if I didn't think you could improve.
Miki is pretty cool.
I'm writing a thing and would love feedback.
I'm writing a thing and would love feedback.
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Mirage_GSM
- Posts: 6212
- Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
- Location: Germany
Re: Out of Mind
I agree that the first few paragraphs might be seen as a bit rushed.
On the other hand this is an introduction and not the main story so this is somewhat acceptable.
On the gripping hand alll this advice should certainly be applied to future chapters
On the other hand this is an introduction and not the main story so this is somewhat acceptable.
On the gripping hand alll this advice should certainly be applied to future chapters
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Re: Out of Mind
I never read the original, but I see that you updated! You should have posted a reply so we knew! Based on what Req said the rewrite is definitely better. The flow is a little off in places but nothing significant. The inner dialogue has improved so have the interactions with Kaito not being the wise grandpa 
I'm interested to see how this continues!
I'm interested to see how this continues!
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StilesLong
- Posts: 53
- Joined: Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:31 pm
Re: Out of Mind
I enjoyed reading this. There were a number of minor grammatical errors but that's acceptable (the English language is weird). It's different and exciting having original characters to discover and explore though I was disappointed by Kaito's thoughts. He seems, as others put it, too calculating. Hiroki's vice is intriguing and I want to find out more...
If you want, I can go over it in more detail for the errors I mentioned. Anyways, I'll be looking for the next part.
If you want, I can go over it in more detail for the errors I mentioned. Anyways, I'll be looking for the next part.
Ships in the night (Hanako bad ending epilogue)
One-shots
Lights Out (Hanako AU)
r/StilesWrites (other, non-KS writing)
I can frequently be found here.
One-shots
Lights Out (Hanako AU)
r/StilesWrites (other, non-KS writing)
I can frequently be found here.
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Kaito_Mind
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Tue May 30, 2017 11:14 am
Re: Out of Mind
I'm glad to see you enjoyed reading it, thanks for the feedback 
. This is my first story writing from a first person perspective so it's a learning curve on not making Kaito seem so robotic, any advice is appreciated so by all means please go over any errors you spotted. I've got other writing projects in the works but I'll be sure to get back to this one soon when they are done.
. This is my first story writing from a first person perspective so it's a learning curve on not making Kaito seem so robotic, any advice is appreciated so by all means please go over any errors you spotted. I've got other writing projects in the works but I'll be sure to get back to this one soon when they are done.