This is, and always was going to be, the hardest to write/least satisfying chapter in this piece for a thousand reasons that most of you have hit upon. I'll touch on them in the comments below.
She hasn't yet, that's part of the problem, you see.azumeow wrote:Dammit Emi, Shizune warned yooouuuuu
Point A is vague on purpose. The nurse's explanation is bad for two reasons: one, because it's supposed to be vague, and two, because I didn't write it so well. ;p The nurse is a messenger of something that the nurse doesn't understand particularly well (we'll get to this in the "why not Mutou?" comments further).Mirage_GSM wrote: It's been a few years since I last read it, but I think it sticks pretty close to the source material - in fact sticking to the source material is kind of it's premise - at least to as much of the source material as was available at the time of its writing. It was written back when only act 1 was out, so don't expect Jigoro to show up or that Lilly and Shizune are cousins...
As for this story I'm not quite sure I understood everything nurse explained.
I first thought "point A" was where Hisao starts out at the gate, but it seems "point A" is actually his entire time at Yamaku, since both the beginning and the end are predetemined. Makes its labelling as "point" a bit strange...
Also there are two questions that would have been right at the top of the things that I'd want to know that Hisao didn't even think to ask:
1. Who the hell are YOU that you know all this stuff and are able to pull a whole room outside of time itself?
2. WHO am I supposed to date?
Your other two points are well taken. #2 will come up in chapter 3, it was originally here, but I rewrote basically the entire chapter and forgot to put it back in. Whoops, but I think it'll be better served in Chapter 3 at this point. The first question is something I dithered on a lot - my beta reader pointed out that having him ask it is going to lead to an unsatisfying answer (which is what it did in the first version). I can see the argument for putting it in - I may at least go back and edit him at least *thinking* it, but probably will keep that aspect as it is otherwise for now.
Thank you. It should get better (and more intelligble) from here.emi wrote:This is an interesting read so far, looking forward to more.
Chapter 3 will touch on this in significantly more detail. For now, though, I will say that if Hisao didn't get his answers this soon, this fic would be rather boring to read. There is probably an equally good version of something similar to this with Hisao figuring out the basic rules of the universe and going from there, but I've made some creative decisions (choice of ending that this starts from among them) that preclude me from writing that story (in my opinion, at least).Oddball wrote:It's interesting. I don't know what you have planned or where this is going, but I have a feeling that Hisao may have got his answers too easily, or at least too soon.
The arc words of this story are to a very real extent "now what?" That's a question that Hisao now has to answer, and perhaps the most important thing that I hope people take away from the first two chapters (and what you remember from the canon) is that he's very, very poorly equipped for the journey he's about to embark on.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Yeah, I'd have expected Mutou as well
Full disclosure - my original outline for this had Mutou in that role until I thought about it more and opted for Nurse, for the following reasons:Jake Zero wrote:Agreed. Mutou makes a lot more sense.
- The Nurse has access to an office that can be the place beyond time and space. This is relevant for a few reasons that will be made more clear in the story, but in pragmatic terms - it's a place where Hisao can talk to the person who knows Things in absolute privacy and not worry about someone overhearing and getting him sent to a different kind of facility.
- I liked the idea of Hisao not feeling well and having to go visit the Nurse - and suddenly having a giant pile of WORSE things dropped on him. Thanks, Nurse! The nurse is the person who essentially deals with "wellness" at Yamaku, and Hisao is not particularly well right now for reasons that have surprisingly little to do with heart conditions.
- I wanted the Person Who Knows Things to not be front and center. Mutou is front and center in Hisao's life - Hisao can't avoid him. Kenji was another option, but again, Kenji shows up too often. Nurse can be involved only as much as I want (or as Hisao wants, for that matter)
- Mutou has another role in the story that suits him better.
- Nurse is much more of a messenger. Mutou would have understood everything perfectly and explained it too well for what I want to accomplish.
Chapter 3 will probably be up by Monday - busy weekend ahead, but I've started writing it.
Thanks again, everyone!