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Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:43 pm
by InSaiyan
Mirage_GSM wrote:So Emi did happen :-) I was wondering about that, since you made no mention of her at all so far.
Absolutely! I can't leave the "fastest thing on no legs" out!

Unfortunately, some characters still may not make the cut.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Formatting looks better than before.
Thank you very much!

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 10:23 pm
by InSaiyan
Part 5
A Short Trip (continued)

Act 1 Finale!
Thank you so much for reading! Here's to the future!


Choking the fistful of pills down, I decide to pick up one of the books that I checked out of the library earlier in the week. It's some kind of sci-fi novel about a race of creatures living on Venus, from what I can tell. Not really my sty-

-brr- -brr-

Well, that was much quicker than I expected.

"Not too busy. Me and Naomi finished up working earlier." Natsume texts back.

-brr- -brr-

"What about you?" She texts again.

"Not much going on here." I admit.

I decide to put the book back. Maybe another time, friend. A short moment passes before I hear the phone vibrating on my bed once more.

"Want to come to the newspaper room?" She asks.

Hmm, I don't guess it could hurt. I'm pretty exhausted, but I wouldn't mind seeing the two of them. The school is probably keeping the classrooms open later tonight for the Festival preparations too, so I don't think there's any risk of getting in trouble.

"Sure, be there soon." I answer back.

My casual clothes should be fine, but I opt to change into a plain red shirt with a brand name over the left breast on the front of it. The grey one I had on before could probably use a wash after my little accident in town worked a little sweat out of me. It's probably not a bad idea to go ahead and apply some more deodorant too while I'm at it, just in case.

Am I normally this conscious about this stuff? Eh, probably. I just never really thought about it much before, I guess.

Closing the door behind me, I make my way through the empty halls of the boys dorm. It seems the girls are a little more involved in the festival preparations than the guys are. I've only seen a few of them actually working on projects.

The darkened courtyard is empty. It's still about an hour or so until curfew, but it seems like most people are either settled in for the night, or are still working on stuff in their club areas. Small, dim lamps illuminate the sidewalk every few feet as I make my way through the path.

Walking the halls at night is actually a little nerve wracking. It seems so foreign and strange in the absence of the sunlight normally shining through the halls. Only about half of the ceiling lights are on, and most of the classroom doors are closed, except for the few that have club activities going on in them. I feel like this is the perfect setting for a horror film.

Soon enough I'm greeted with the distinct smell of cardboard, paper and paint again as I pass by the Art room. It's doors are still open, but it doesn't look like anybody is in the room. There's a dim light shining through a cracked door up ahead. It must be the newspaper club room.

I give the door a light tap and shove, letting my presence be known before making my way in. The sight before me is a little more to take in than I expected. Stacks of printed news articles lay across the long tables that are pushed against the far wall. The fluorescent lights overhead are off. The only thing lighting the room is the small desk lamp sitting in the middle of the long tables and the dull glow of the early moon as it trickles in through the windows.

Natsume sits in a desk chair, her bare feet crossed over each other and kicked up on the table in front of her. Her toenails are painted a vibrant yellow, matching her fingernails. Her shoes lie on the floor under the table. Her blouse is slung over the back of a nearby chair, as she sits in just her skirt and a black spaghetti-strapped shirt. I can see a thin, pink, and silky strap hanging off of her shoulder underneath the cotton strap of her shirt, I probably shouldn't stare at that too long. Her skin glistens as the moonlight shines on her.

Her hair is pulled in to a tight bun on the top of her head as a few curled strands of her bangs lay against her cheek. Her glasses rest on top of her head, rather than the bridge of her nose. Her slender fingers are laced together, resting on her flat stomach. Her head is resting against the padded leather backing of the chair, a look of pure relaxation on her face.

Her slender arms shine in the dull light of the moon, glowing vibrantly. Her narrow shoulders hold the thin straps of the cotton undershirt in place, it accentuates her now visible collarbone and neck line.

For having such a slim figure, her bust is surprisingly moderate-sized, pushing tightly against the black shirt, but still beautifully proportionate to the rest of her body. I know I shouldn't be staring at her like this, thinking things that are borderline perverted. I really don't feel ashamed about it though. She's an impressive sight to behold when she's relaxing like this and I have no ill thoughts about it. I can appreciate the way she looks in this setting the same way I can a beautifully sculpted work of art.

Her eyes are shut, but I can tell that she's not quite asleep yet. She must not have heard my tapping at the door when I first came in. I should make my presence known, but I'm not sure that I have the heart to disrupt such a peaceful sight. She seems so..natural like this. I'm not sure that I've ever seen her really relaxed before, especially not like this.

I was so distracted by her that I didn't even look for Naomi. Despite the main lights being off, the room is still pretty well-illuminated by the grey blanket of dull light coming from the windows. I can easily see everything in the room without struggling too much and Naomi definitely isn't in it. She must have stepped out for a minute to grab a snack or something.

Deciding I should probably quit standing silently in the doorway, I take a few soft steps forward to the middle of the room.

I clear my throat and softly whisper "hey" into the open air between us. She jumps a little in shock, her eyes popping open in surprise before her feet uncross and come down to the floor. She looks around the room in a daze before focusing her eyes on me.

Her eyes widen in shock, as she draws her slender fingers to her slightly open mouth. She seems to be really embarrassed about something. It looks like she's searching for the right words but is having trouble. I should probably speak up.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" I ask softly.
" I'm sorry Hisao," she apologizes quietly. "I meant uhm.. to pull myself together before you arrived."
"Hey, don't worry about it. I'm sure you had a busy day today." I answer, taking a seat in the desk chair beside her.
"Mm..It has been a pretty busy day," She states uncomfortably. Seeming to force some cheer into her voice she continues. "We're all caught up though, so that's nice."
"I'm still shocked that the two of you can handle all of that responsibility." I comment.
"Ha, it just makes for a busy day or two every now and then." She answers back, rubbing the side of her neck.

She seems pretty exhausted. I feel bad, I should have offered to help them out. Speaking of "them", I figured Naomi would be back by now if she had just stepped out for a few minutes.

"Where's Naomi at, anyways?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at her.
"Oh, she..uhm.." She starts. "She had some other business to take care of."
Oh? Seems secretive. I hate secrets, but this is a battle I probably won't win, so I shouldn't even push it.
"I'm surprised you didn't pass her on the way here actually, she had just left a moment or two before you came." She continues.
"Maybe she's meeting a boy and was avoiding my path so I wouldn't find out?" I question, prodding lightly at the secret despite my better judgement.

Complete silence fills the air for a few seconds before it's quickly broken by Natsumes frantic laughter. Her body rocks back and forth in the chair, while she holds her sides. The idea of someone being interested in Naomi doesn't sound too crazy to me. She's a pretty girl, what's the issue here? Maybe she's secretly crazy.

Several minutes pass and I can't help but to laugh along with her. I still don't know what's so funny about this, but Natsumes hearty laughter is contagious. Our laughter mingles together, echoing off of the walls around us. I wouldn't mind if time froze in this moment for awhile.

Genuine laughter is one of those things that can really help some wounds heal. I can't say that I've spent much time laughing at all since my accident back in Winter, let alone being genuine while doing it. It feels unfamiliar almost, to let my guard down and just let myself laugh at, well, nothing in particular.

Eventually, Natsume regains her composure, wiping a stray tear from her cheek as she sits herself up right in the chair. Her face is so vibrant from the laughter that it forces a subconscious grin to widen on my face.

Our eyes lock together for a moment and I see her demeanor change slightly. The happiness in her expressions fades slowly and is replaced by an almost worried look. Her eyebrows push upwards in concern and a frown pushes her lips downward. She breaks our eyes apart and looks toward the window to her side.

"I'm..I'm sorry, Hisao" she states, a certain harshness in her tone.
"For..for what?" I stutter back, surprised by the sudden change. "You didn't do anyth-"
"You having me like this. I'm a total mess, I know." She quietly says. "I'm sorry for not being more put togeth-"
"You're kidding, right?" I cut in. My own voice surprising me a little, my words getting ahead of my mind.

She's staring at me with a surprised expression written on her face. I'm not sure why she's being so down on herself, but I shouldn't have cut her off like that.

"Of course I'm not kidding Hisao." She answers back. Her eyes are still full of surprise, but her words are lined with sadness and dissapointment. "I'm a total mess right now! I should have straightened myself up before yo-"
"You look absolutely beautiful right now Natsume." I blurt out suddenly in an almost whispered voice.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I feel my heart beat speed up in my chest and my head starts spinning a little as I realize what I just did.

Why in the hell did I just say that?! Do I not have an ounce of self-control in my body?! Oh God, she's going to think I'm a complete weirdo. This is going to ruin our plans for the Festival and probably our friendshi-

"W..what?" She whispers back, her eyebrows raised upwards in shock.
"I.." I start but my mind is racing.

You know what, I already told her once, and I meant it. I don't have to back away from a statement that I meant. I'll just be honest with her and hope that she doesn't take it the wrong way.

"I..I think you look beautiful right now." I nervously repeat.

A weight is lifted from my shoulders a little bit as the words come out. I said what I'd been thinking and I meant every word of it, I shouldn't be ashamed of that. I can only hope she doesn't freak out or think differently of me now.

The silence between us is killing me. I'm not expecting much of a response, but I would take anything at this point. Her bare shoulders loosen up and drop slightly as a small sigh escapes her thin lips. Her eyes are focused on her hands in her lap. Her expression has softened a little but I can still see a hint of worry in her eyes.

"Th..thank you Hisao." She whispers back.

A sense of relief overwhelms my body as I lean back into the leather padding of the chair. I exhale deeply, unable to hold my breath any longer. I lock my eyes on to her face and give her my best shot at a comforting smile. I'm sure it came out horribly, but it's the thought that counts, right?

"I mean it, really." I force out of my tight throat. "Try to not be so hard on yourself."
"Heh..I..I try." She responds softly.

A quick glance at my watch shows that it's almost curfew. I'm sure there's a lot more that I would like to say right now while the moment of honesty is still here, but we should probably get some sleep.

"It's getting late, want me to walk you to the dorms?" I ask her, leaning forward in my chair.
"If you wouldn't mind." She answers, letting out a soft yawn as the words leave her lips.

I stand and retrieve her blouse from the back of the nearby chair it lies on, handing it over to her. She slides her shoes on and stretches her legs outwards before standing up.

Upon standing, she raises herself up on her toes, stretching the calf muscles on the back of her legs. She actually has very defined, almost athletic, legs. I never took her for the athletic type really, but it would make sense that she does something to stay active, given the muscles on her legs and her slim figure. Maybe I should ask her about it sometime?

Shutting the door behind us, we make our way through the now almost pitch-black halls. The only light source in the halls now seems to be the dull glow of the moon sliding under the closed classroom doors as we pass them by.

I feel something tug at my shirt near the waist. I look down to see a set of thin fingers pinching my shirt as we walk. The fingers belong to the girl beside me, who has her other hand raised up to her lips and an almost frantic look on her face. she trembling?

"Nat-"I start.
"W-what?!" She gasps suddenly.
"Are you..scared of the dark?" I whisper, fighting back the urge to laugh.
""She responds quietly, her voice shaking a little. "Okay, yeah, I kind of am."
I want to laugh at the words 'Kind of', but I do feel a little bad for her. It seems almost childish to be still scared of the dark at our age, but it's actually pretty cute in this setting.

I decide that I've already made a fool of myself once tonight, what's one more time?
I hook my arm around hers. As she let's go of my shirt, she clenches my arm with both hands and leans her body into my side a little. I want to say that I'm getting more confident, but I don't think that's it. I think I'm just tired if hiding how I feel and I'm giving in little-by-little whether I'm comfortable with it or not.

"We're almost out of the school, don't worry." I say, still trying not to laugh.
I feel her head nod against my shoulder as we continue on down the empty hallway.

The doors open, and I can almost feel her exhale a breath of relief as her body loosens up. She straightens her posture as we continue on towards the courtyard. We're a little ways away from the school now, the grounds before us plainly visible in the dull light of the moon, but she hasn't pulled her arm out of my own yet. I'm not complaining, but I definitely expected her to let go.

She seems content with our walking arrangements, and I can't find a single thing in the world to complain about right now. A dull grey is sitting on all of the shrubbery and trees around us. I hear crickets and frogs having their own conversations off in the distance as the stars wink back and forth at one another in the sky overhead.

I can't help but wonder if this grip she has on my arm means anything more than just a polite gesture. She seems content with taking in the scenery and sounds around us, so I shouldn't ruin that by asking stupid questions now. I'm still worried what she thinks about my sudden outburst back there. I mean, it's not like I confessed anything crazy to her or anything, but I definitely didn't mean to say what was on my mind at the time.

We soon approach the split in the dorms, my watch tells me that we have 5 minutes left until curfew. She stops suddenly next to a bench and takes her arm from mine. I turn to her and meet her gaze, still expecting her to say the plans for tomorrow are off now, or something else equally bad.

"Want to meet here tomorrow?" She's questions with a small smile.
"Uhm..yeah, that..that sounds great." I answer back in surprise.
"I'll text you in the morning, okay?" She states with a yawn.
"Looking forward to it." I respond with a nod as she takes a few steps towards the dorm.
"Hisao?" She says softly, looking back over her shoulder at me and stopping suddenly in her tracks.
"Yeah?" I question back, trying to match her softness.
"Thank you." She says genuinely, turning back and passing through the door of the girls dorms.

I'm frozen in place for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts. I expected much worse and I have to say I'm a little surprised. A sense of relief washes over me.

Today was quite an eventful day. I have a lot of things to consider this weekend, but right now, none of it really seems too important. I'd just like to get some sleep for tomorrow.

The halls are eerily quiet, but I guess they probably should be, considering curfew is officially in effect. I quickly make my way to my dorm room and fling the door open, locking it behind me as I pass through. I throw my dirty clothes into the clothes bin beside the door and lay my phone on the nightstand next to my alarm clock. I better set an alarm, I'd hate to be late tomorrow.

Natsume really didn't give a time, but I think 9:30 is a safe time to wake up. That should give me plenty of rest as well if I go to sleep soon. Shouldn't be a problem really, today feels like it could have been split up in three separate days.

As my body sinks into the stiff mattress of the bed, my thoughts of the day melt away into a dull noise. My mind can find only one thing to hold onto, and it repeats softly in my consciousness over and over.

'Thank you.' Naomi's airy voice echos gently in my head, as I slowly drift away.


Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2017 7:08 pm
by Mirage_GSM
So you're ending act 1 on the day before the festival...
Well, it's certainly a novel idea, and it really is a fitting place for it.
Aside form the "being scared in the dark" bit being a bit cliché I liked the chapter very much.

A few minor typos:
as she draws her slinder fingers
I lock my eyes on to face
"her" face?
the nearby chair it lays on
And finally... I don't usually comment on punctuation unless being specifically asked to be editor for a story, but this has been quite erratic so far:
is the small desk lamp sitting in the middle of the long tables, and the dull glow of the early moon
The doors open and I can almost feel her exhale
First case is an enumeration and doesn't have a comma before "and"
In the second case the and connects two seperate sentences, and it should have one. (some people will argue the second one, but it makes for better readability.)

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 3:50 pm
by InSaiyan
Intermission between Acts:

I wanted to take a moment before continuing on to Act 2 to stop and thank everyone who's encouraged me and talked with me about this project, whether it be commenting or PM'ing me here, reddit, discord or wherever. I truely do appreciate this community and I look forward to many more conversations to come.

Final thoughts on Act 1:
I tried taking a more.."traditional(?)" approach at first and stay on track with the original timeline that Act 1 followed, but it ended up being pretty hit and miss. Overall, I'm happy enough with how it ended up, but I could have definitely done better overall.

Act 1 Word Count:
I'm going to round the numbers off to their closest hundredth, because the word counter I'm using on mobile is...well, not very good and I don't fully trust it.
Word Count: 19,800
Character Count: 106,700

Looking forward:
There's still a ton of story to cover, so much so that it's a little overwhelming to think about it all. I'm just going to focus on Act 2 and try to make it better than I did Act 1. There's some fun stuff that's going to happen in Act 2 and I'm excited to get started, but I'm going to step back and little and take more time with it. I pushed content pretty quickly while writing Act 1 and, while it was fun to do, it was also a little stressful and lacked some of the depth that I wanted it to have initially.

I've been talking with a few different artists about doing some work together, so I'm looking forward to getting that ball rolling as well. Feel free to PM me with recommendations still!

I look forward to sharing more of the story and hearing from you all soon!

Thank you all so much and stay tuned!

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 6:54 pm
by Mirage_GSM
I pushed content pretty quickly while writing Act 1 and, while it was fun to do, it was also a little stressful and lacked some of the depth that I wanted it to have initially.
I always tried to be two or three chapters ahead with my writing than with what I posted here.
Sometimes you realize you've written yourself in a corner and this enables you to just go back and change a few things without messing up continuity.

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 7:50 pm
by InSaiyan
Mirage_GSM wrote:I always tried to be two or three chapters ahead with my writing than with what I posted here.

That's a great idea! I'm definitely going to start doing this now. Maybe I can avoid some mistakes along the way.

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 2:40 am
by InSaiyan
Beginning of Act 2

Part 1:
Rise and Shine



The alarm clock to my side receives no mercy once again as I cut its cries short. I don't feel quite as bitter towards it this morning though, I'm actually pretty thankful that I'm up early on my day off. Today's not just any day, afterall, it's the day of the Festival!

I pull my hand off of the alarm clock and back to the bed, trying to clear the grogginess from my mind before I have to crawl out. I pull myself up and shift my legs to the side, sitting my bare feet on the floor below me.

The early morning sunlight beams in through the window over my desk, casting a bright glow into my assortment of pill bottles laying on the corner. It doesn't look like it's going to rain today, so I'm glad that my worries from yesterday weren't proven to be true.

Pushing off of the bed with my hands, I rise to my feet and stretch, letting a long yawn pass through me as my mind slowly trickles in thoughts of the day ahead. What should I wear? Should I go grab something for breakfast first? I'm sure the food stalls won't be preparing anything until later on in the day.

I should probably just take it one step at a time. I stride over to my closet and take inventory of what my options, or, more accurately, lack of options are. I don't want to dress too casual, but I also want to be pretty comfortable. Considering my options are pretty limited no matter what, I should probably just pick something and go with it.

A dim white pair of khakis and the one yellow polo seem like a safe bet. It's probably going to be warm, so I definitely don't want to wear a sweatervest, and a plain t-shirt is...well, too plain. Well, I'm glad that's settled.

Looking over my shoulder, the sunlight beaming through the window draws my attention back to the almost-transparent orange bottles of medicine lying on my desk. I can go ahead and get that out of the way before I jump in the shower and get ready.

Choking down the plethora of pills while standing in front of my desk, I glance out the window onto the grounds below. A handful of students are already out and about, working to prepare their stalls to open soon. Some wear their uniforms still, while others are dressed more casually.

I feel pretty good about my choice in clothing, just gauging it off of the few students that I see down there. I walk back to the side of my bed and pull my sheets up close to the pillow, giving a weak effort at making my bed. I pull my phone from the charger it's connected to and see an unfamiliar icon on the small display on the outside screen.

It's a little white envelope with a "1" beside of it. I guess that means I have a message or something. I must not have heard it while I was picking out my outfit and gawking at the students outside. I flip the screen open to reveal that I do, in fact, have "1 New Message".

"Meet at noon?" The message reads. Looks like Natsume messaged me about 10 minutes ago. I wonder if she's been up for a while and she just timed it perfectly, or if she just woke recently like I did? She did say she enjoys breakfast, so she probably isn't going to skip out on that.

"See you then." I type back into my phone, pressing 'send' before flipping it closed and sitting it down again. Well, that leaves me with plenty of time to get ready and such then. I think I'll just grab something small from a vending machine down the hallway and read a little of that sci-fi book for awhile.

Walking down the hall, I can't help but feel that I'm probably the only guy awake this early. I definitely don't have to worry about Kenji being up. I hear strange noises coming from his room pretty much all hours of the night. I assume he stays up late watching some kind of Anime, because all I can hear is muffled voices with strange accents talking about situations that I can't put together.

After studying the contents of the two machines in front of me, I decide that a blueberry muffin and a canned coffee sound pretty good right now, considering it's still morning.

I make my way back in to my room, breakfast in hand. Closing the door behind me, I quickly locate the book that I had almost started the other night. The front cover is a dull green color and it still doesn't look very interesting, but I'll give it a fair chance.


Well, it's been about 30 minutes or so and I'm officially giving up, this book is just awful. It would probably be best to return this disaster back to the library on Monday.

Standing up from the bed and stretching my arms to the ceiling, I glance over at the clock. It's still pretty early, but I think I'm going to just get ready for the day and head down towards the festivities and wait. I definitely don't want to stay cooped up in this room much longer.


The steam from the showers flows into the hallway as I cross over the empty corridors and back into my room, nothing but a towel around my waist. It's a short few steps away, and it's still early, so I'm not too worried about being seen right now. I quickly throw the khakis and polo on, applying some deodorant afterwards. I look down, just like always, to see if I can find my scar.

My surgery wasn't minimally invasive, so the scar is placed more towards the middle of my chest, but it does turn towards the left, rather than going up close to my collarbone. The awkward shape is hidden pretty well by the polo, but if I left my bottom button undone, it would surely show a little. I'll just make sure it's secured and I should have no issues.

I try to comb my hair out, but it's a losing battle. I do what I can with it, which isn't much, but it does look like an almost "controlled" mess, rather than its normal "complete" mess. Good enough.

After brushing my teeth and checking myself over once more, I'm content enough to get out of here.


The bright morning sun shines its light on my face as I exit the dorm doors. The sky is a clear blue color with nothing in sight but the warm glow of the sun and a few birds passing by. I couldn't ask for much better weather on a day like today. The courtyard is already starting to pick up with activity as students dash here and there, their faces filled with excitement and expectation.

I walk by the bench where Natsume asked to meet last night, filling my lungs with the fresh Spring air as I pass. I don't want to go ahead into the festival without the girls, so I'll check out the surrounding area for a little while until they show up.

Walking down the small set of steps, I notice the freshly painted wall off to my side. I remember Rin had seemed to really be focused on getting this done before the event, and it looks like she did. She's a little strange, but her work ethic is pretty impressive.

The painting is abstract, probably too abstract for me to even begin to understand the meaning of. It's an impressive piece of work though. It looks like different body parts are woven together, creating several..or maybe one- I can't tell. It's interesting, but I'm not big on art, so I probably can't appreciate it like a true artis-

"What's up?" A dull voice questions from behind me, instantly making me jump in shock.

I turn to see a small head of short red hair attached to a slouching figure with the sleeves of her uniform tied off at the elbows. Her green eyes are just as empty as the last time I saw her.

"H..hey Rin," I start, still trying to compose myself from her just popping up out of nowhere. "The...uhm...the painting looks great."
"It needs more..." She pauses in thought, looking off to the side. "Yellow, maybe..Maybe blue."
I'm not sure how to respond, but I'm not given much time before she speaks up again.
"I'm going to go, I'll be back." She states blankly.

She doesn't wait for a response, turning towards the dorms and awkwardly stumbling away from me.
She sure seemed tired. Surely, she didn't stay here all night finishing this up? The paint does look pretty fresh still, and I think I noticed some paint on her uniform. The way she walks tells me that her legs were probably pretty stiff, but that could mean anything. She seemed pretty out of it, but I'm not sure that that's uncommon with her.

Brushing off the encounter, I take another look at the wall. It's still impressive, even if I don't understand it.

I turn and make my way towards the courtyard. I have about 30 minutes left, but I think I'm just going to sit and enjoy the weather until they show up.

I can see in the distance that the festival area is starting to come alive with activity. I find myself getting more excited to see what today has in store.

Huh, I wonder what kind of work Natsume is going to have us doing for the Newspaper? I had almost forgotten about it. I wonder if I should have brought something to take notes on?

Taking a seat on the bench, I look up to the clear blue sky overhead. I'm just going to enjoy the day and not worry about anything else. I wanted to get settled in to this new environment and I think I have pretty well so far.

There's a lot of things that I'm still adjusting to here. I'm still not real familiar with the area, I need to pick something to do to keep me healthy, and the classes aren't exactly what I'm used to at my old school, and neither are the people. Despite all of that, I've met some really great people so far, some that I even consider friends. Some, I'm still trying to figure out how to feel about.

One thing is certain though, and that's that this is my new life and I'm in control of it. I can make decisions for myself and define my own future. I can take control of my condition and work around it to be happy, it's just going to take some time. I'm the Captain of my own ship now and there's a certain mixture of nervousness and excitement in that feeling of independence that makes me happy. I have something to look forward to, rather than look back like I have been, and that's an almost freeing feeling.

I can get used to this.


Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 2:07 pm
by Mirage_GSM
so I definitely don't want to dawn a sweatervest,
"To don a sweatervest?" Would be possible but I'd only use that verb for stuff like armour or dresses.
The steam from the shower flows into my room as I step through the open door connecting the two
No such door. The showers are across the hall.
different body parts are weaved together
Some, I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about.
" to feel about"

So... Can't say I'm unhappy that you skipped the Kenji encounter that seemed obligatory for each route :-)
Not much else happening in this chapter to comment on...

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2017 7:43 pm
by Zerebos
I'm really really liking this story so far, and I have to agree with Mirage on skipping the Kenji encounter, good call.

I have some things I found wrong on the earlier sections:
Act 1-1 pt 1 wrote:"Hmm.. Oh! that's Natsume and Naomi. They're over the Newspaper club at Yamaku,"
They run maybe?
Act 1-2 pt 1 near the end wrote:"It's almost at the end of the hallway, passed the Art room," She responds cheerfully.
past not passed.
Act 1-4 pt 1 wrote: "Where were you at lunch? I never seen you leave class." She questions, a mock pout forming on her face.
I never saw you leave class.

Great story so far though, very well written and it definitely has me hooked already.

p.s. Your ToC post is an act behind :wink:

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2017 12:36 am
by InSaiyan
First, as always, thank you all so much for pointing out mistakes and helping me to improve my abilities and fix any issues with the story.
Mirage_GSM wrote:So... Can't say I'm unhappy that you skipped the Kenji encounter that seemed obligatory for each route :-)

I figured that Hisao waking up early was enough to off-set that whole situation, haha.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Not much else happening in this chapter to comment on...

I do want to apologize for that. I enjoy the occasional filler, but I'm going to try to keep it to a minimum.
Zerebos wrote:I'm really really liking this story so far, and I have to agree with Mirage on skipping the Kenji encounter, good call.
I'm really glad everyone seems to agree on skipping the Kenji scene, I was kind of worried about that.

Thank you all so much for the kind words and encouragement. It brings me an incredible amount of joy to know that you're enjoying the story so far! I'll have an update very soon for you all!

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2017 12:36 pm
by ElectroNeonZealot
I'm really enjoying this so far! This is an amazing start to the story, I'm really loving how faithful you're being to the characters from the actual VN, I find some pseudo-routes will change Hisao a bit to fit their needs but so far in your story it's like you've plucked the exact same Hisao (and the other girls + Kenji for that matter) from the VN and dropped them into your story. I wish you all the best for the future of this route, the personalities you've given Naomi and Natsume for this story are really nice to read about, and I can't wait to see what you throw at us towards the middle and end!

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 9:03 am
by Mirage_GSM
InSaiyan wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:Not much else happening in this chapter to comment on...

I do want to apologize for that. I enjoy the occasional filler, but I'm going to try to keep it to a minimum.
That was not supposed to be criticism. Your chapters are short. If you tried to fill every single one of them with action or amazing plot twists it would just feel forced.
Any story needs some passages where it is just allowed to flow - maybe to set the scene for an important future chapter. That is not filler!
In a novel chapters are usually longer, so it's not as noticeable when that happens.

It's just as my post said that after such a chapter there is not really much to comment on.

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route

Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:00 pm
by InSaiyan
Part 1:
Rise and Shine (continued)


Lost in my thoughts and oblivious to everything around me, I close my eyes while still facing the Spring sky above me. I sink my back into the bench I'm sitting on, allowing my body to relax against its stiffness. I let the inviting sun cast it's warm glow on me, making my thoughts drift away little by little with its peaceful embrace. I could probably catch a nap right here, if I hadn't gotten a pretty decent nights sleep last night.

I hear footsteps and passing voices walk by me every few minutes as more students make their way to the Festival. I have a feeling it's going to be pretty crowded in the midst of everything. It's hard to imagine all the students in one area, that's not even counting the visitors from nearby towns and family members.

Moments go by slowly while I sit on the bench and watch people pass. I imagine it must be pretty close to noon, it feels like I've been sitting here for awhile now. I look down at my watch but my thoughts are interrupted momentarily by a loud -POP- sound coming out of the loud speakers around school, followed by several seconds of static.

"I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone for coming out today.." the chipper voice starts.
I'm not sure that I recognize the voice but it seems to be coming from a woman. Now that I think about it, I don't believe I've ever met the Principal of Yamaku, could that be them? Nobody has even mentioned it before, how strange.
" ensure a safe environment for students and visitors alike!" The voice carries on.
I must have just missed some kind of safety speech.
"With that, I hope everyone enjoys their time today. Let the Festival begin!" She finishes, another -POP- sounding out across the grounds.

I hear a distant round of applause and cheer come from the area of the Festival. I can only see very little of it from this bench, but it sounded like quite a crowd already. I glance down at my watch again to check the time.


I hope they didn't forget about me. What if they forgot about the meeting spot and went on in? I'm starting to get ahead of myself, they're probably just running late. I remember my dad saying that he always has to wait for mom when they're going somewhere, so maybe it's-

"Whew, you sure do clean up good Hisao!" A girly voice chimes in with a small snicker, cutting off my thoughts.

I look up to meet the amber eyes staring down at me, a warm grin spread underneath them. Naomi is wearing a light-blue short-sleeved tunic top thats sides reach down past her hips. It's hemmed in the middle to reveal a pair of jean shorts that are mid-thigh length. She looks fully prepared to enjoy the warm Spring weather today.

"Th..thanks." I state back, slightly embarrassed by the compliment. "You look pretty nice yourself. You must really enjoy Spring time."
"Sure do!" She states, giving a quick spin, sending the sides of her tunic outwards. "But, I'm nothing special, especially compared to some people." She continues, grinning and turning to her side and looking over her shoulder at the person behind her.

"Please.." Natsume says, rolling her eyes. Her cheeks are blushed a little in embarrassment.
Her hands are locked together in front of her hips, her vibrant eyes rolling at her friends enthusiasm. It looks like she painted her nails again, each fingertip being a bright green color now, with a small yellow flower printed on each one over top of the green.

Her auburn hair is pulled into a tightly spiraled bun on the back of her head. Her bangs sweep to the side, held in place by a hairpin with a small flower on it. A few thick strands of loosely curled hair are resting against her cheek, running down the side of her face. Her bright green and deep brown eyes are both glowing in the suns warm embrace, filled with expectation and a little bit of embarrassment still.

She's wearing a bright yellow sundress, it's fabric perfectly forming to the curves of her body in all the right places. Her shoulders and arms are glowing in the sunlight, being exposed by the lack of sleeves on the dress. The dress loosens up a little at her hips, flowing down her thighs and cutting off a few inches above her knees.

Naomi looks great, but she's right, it's hard to compete with the girl standing beside her. I feel my heart speed up a little in my chest, trying to take in the scene before me.

"Well, whatcha think Hisao?" Naomi jests, pointing her thumb back at Natsume and giving a playful wink.
"I..uhm..I.." I stutter out, blood rushing to my face. I must look like a fool right now, stumbling around, unable to even form words for a compliment.
"I.." I try to start again but am cut off.
"Lets..uhm..go get something to eat." Natsume chimes in, saving the day once again. "I'm starving."
"Sounds great!" Naomi answers back, moving on from my awkwardness. Naomi strides ahead, almost skipping towards the festival.
"Ready Hisao?" Natsumes soft voice questions as she steps forward.

I look up and lock my eyes to hers. They're so bright today, almost as if a fire is lit behind them. She has one hand on her hip and one hand reaching towards me, a cute smile showing her pearly white teeth. I didn't even realize that I'm still sitting on the bench until now, I swear I've been floating in midair the last few minutes.

"S..sure." I stammer, placing my hand in hers and lifting myself up. "Thank you." I almost feel bad for not answering to Naomi's playful question. I sure didn't have any problems letting my thoughts be known last night, what's stopping me today? I let a sigh pass through my lips as I stand, trying to straighten my thoughts out.

Natsume gives a playful wink over her shoulder as she begins stepping forward. Naomi is pretty far ahead of us already, almost bouncing with excitement with each step she takes. She moves pretty quickly for such a small girl. It doesn't look like Natsume is in quite the same rush as she is, so I'm just going to match her pace and stay close so I don't get lost.

Students dash from booth to booth, their arms filled with different kinds of foods and toys. The festival area is much larger than I expected it to be. Despite the crowds of people drifting around, it's actually pretty open. They must have carefully thought of how to lay out the different food stalls and games booths scattered about for people...well, people like me, who can't take the risk of unforeseen contact in a dense crowd. I can't help but to be impressed by the extra steps that Yamaku takes for things like that.

"What are you in the mood for?" I ask Natsume, who has moved a little closer to my side now that the crowd around us has thickened.
"Hmm, I'm not sure." She answers, a thin finger placed on her chin in thought.
"How about we just walk around until something catches our attention?" I suggest.
"Sure, that works." She answers with a nod.

Naomi is out of sight now, she hit the crowd a few feet ahead of us and melted into it instantly. It shouldn't be too difficult to find her if we're walking around, I'm sure she didn't get too far.

Noodles, fried traditional foods, fried western foods, more noodles..

It all sounds good to me. That muffin and can of coffee earlier didn't do much for me. I look to my side to gauge a reaction from my partner as we walk, but her eyes are locked onto the front of a booth to her side as she stops to look at something. I can't tell what she's really looking at, she's not looking over a menu, but more towards the bottom of the stall, underneath the open windows that you order from. I adjust my stance to look from a different angle and notice a small metallic plate screwed to the front.

"A special thank you to Dr. Mamoru Ooe."

Huh, I never noticed the plaques before, but they must mean something. I glance over at Natsume. She has a certain expression on her face, one that I can't really identify. The corners of her thin lips are pushed upwards and her eyes are slightly squinted as she looks at the plate. I look back to it, reading again.


Ah, this must be a relative of hers. I'm still not sure what the plaque is thanking them for, but I can tell she's probably proud about whatever it is.

" that a relative of yours?" I ask, trying not to ruin her moment.
"Heh..yeah," she answers back with a small chuckle. "I'll uhm..I'll tell you about some other time." She finishes, taking a step forward to the window. She must have decided she's in the mood for fried Western food. It does smell rather enticing.

"Does Western sound good to you Hisao?" She asks, looking over her shoulder at me.
"It sure smells good to me." I answer back, conscious that I may start drooling at any second.
"Get what you want, okay? My treat!" She offers with a big smile. She's getting into festival mode now I think. I see a certain glimmer to her eyes.
"You sur-" I try to ask.
"Absolutely!" She cuts in. "We have to do some...research, after this." She finishes, laughing to herself as she turns back around.

Oh yeah, I keep forgetting about the Newspaper work. I mean, that is the reason she invited me, right? I should try to remember that.

"If you insist." I agree. "I'll go get us a table, just surprise me, okay?"
"Are you sure want to trust me with that responsibility Hisao?" She asks, laughing into the palm of her hand.
"I trust your judgement." I answer back with a laugh of my own. Truth is, I just don't want spend too much of her money and I don't know much about Western food.

I quickly find an empty picnic table and plop my body down on the bench in front of it. We still have several hours of daylight to go and I'm already feeling the tightness in my legs from walking. I bet Natsume doesn't have that problem, with those nice athletic legs.
...I should probably focus on something else.

There's a large herd of people gathered around the courtyard of the school now. Parents and students weaving through one another, excitedly looking at different things around them. It's a nice scene, parents and children spending time together. I kind of wish I had invited my parents now. I'm sure they're working, but I could have told them about it anyways.

I can barely see the game booths to my other side through the thick crowd of people between us, but it looks pretty lively as well. Some kids throw plastic balls at a stack of bottles, some throw darts at balloons pinned to a cardboard wall and others dip small paper nets into a little pool of water, trying to capture, what I assume, is a goldfish. Typical festival games, but it excites me a little, nonetheless. I haven't played games like that in a long time, maybe I'll get a chance to play later.

I notice a short-haired girl in a blue tunic skipping her way towards me, a big smile stretching her cheeks upwards. She's coming from the games area, so I assume that she's already investigated the scene further. She waves in my direction with her other hand hidden behind her back. I wave back, trying to figure out what she's hiding. She makes her way over, plopping down on the bench across from me.

"This is great!" Naomi exclaims. "There's so many cool games to play Hisao, you need to check it out!"
"I'm sure we will make our way over there after we eat." I respond back, giving the arm stretched behind her back a curious look.
"Wanna see what I won?!" She excitedly asks, bringing her hand out in front of her before I can even respond.

There's a small teddy bear in her hand. It's wearing a traditional-looking Kimono and is carrying a fan in its stuffed paw. It's actually kind of funny looking, but Naomi looks awfully proud of it.

"That's great Naomi!" I respond back, trying to match her enthusiasm.
"Yep! Soo.." She quickly starts back, a sly grin on her face. "You going to win Natsume something cute?"
She covers her lips with her free hand, letting a giggle escape. I'm not sure how to respond, this almost sounds like a trick question.
"I..uhm..I guess I could," I start. "If she wanted me to."
"Don't ask me but," she responds back, cupping her mouth with her hand before whispering. "I think she'd like that a lot." She giggles to herself like a maniac as she ends her sentence. Maybe I was right before, maybe she is secretly crazy?

I can feel my face starting to turn red again from embarrassment. I'm pretty sure she's just jabbing at my easy to embarrass nature, but I would actually like to win Natsume something now. Maybe they have one of those strength testing games where you hit the little air pump with a mallet and try to ring the bell. I could totally 'wow' her with my..strength?

Yeah, right.

The thought makes me laugh out loud, and now I probably look like the secretly crazy one. Naomi is still laughing but cuts it off quickly, clearing her throat as her eyes focus on something over my shoulder.

"Hey Natty!" She calls out, waving her stuffed bear around in the air.
"Ah! How cute!" She asks, her voice changing in pitch a little to sound like she's talking to a baby. She sits down two dishes on the table, one is some kind of hamburger and the other looks like a large chunk of something that's been breaded and fried.

She adjusts her dress as she sits to my side, pushing the fried hunk of...something in front of me.
"Ever had fried chicken before Hisao?" She asks, quickly taking a small bite from the hamburger in front of her.
"I can't say I've ever had this before." I state, trying not to sound so hesitant to dig in. There's a moment of silence as I investigate the food, prodding it with a fork.
"Remember when we had breakfast together?" She asks, clearly picking up on my reluctance.
"Yeah..I'm going to try it, don't worry." I say, laughing to myself. Naomi looks a little confused, I guess she probably should be, considering she has no idea what we're talking about.

Natsume is giggling into her hand as she watches me. I take my fork and stick it into the crispy crust on the outside, carefully pulling a small piece of meat off of the bone. I decide to try it with my eyes open this time, placing the chicken onto my tongue and pulling the meat off of the fork with my teeth before biting into it.

"W-wow!" I exclaim in surprise. "Where do you try all of this incredible food at?" I question, looking over to Natsume. A big smile pushes her cheeks up and reveals her white teeth once more. I'm still taken aback by how beautiful she looks today. I mean, she's always pretty but she looks incredible right now.

"You just can't be afraid to try new things!" She answers, pride beaming into her features.
"I can handle that." I answer back with a smile.
I look across the table at Naomi, who's blushing slightly. Her elbow is resting on the table and her chin is resting on her hand. She has a certain look in her eyes and her smile seems so genuine and curious.

"You two are too cute!" she says clapping her hands together. "I'm going to go grab something to eat and walk around some more! Catch you all later, okay?"
I can feel myself blushing and I don't really want to look up from my plate right now. I'm just going to play off the first statement.
"Sounds..good to me. See you later." I answer, forcing my head up.
"Fine, fine. See you later!" Natsume responds with a wave, quickly diving into her burger again. I think I can see her blushing a little too, so that kind of makes me feel better.

Naomi strides off with the stuffed bear in her hand, only looking over her shoulder to give me a big wink. I'm not sure if that was supposed to mean something or not, but I'm not going to think about it. We continue to make quick work of our food. This chicken is probably awful for my heart, but I'll make up for it soon.

On the bright side, I didn't choke on my food.


Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route(Updated 2

Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 5:50 pm
by Mirage_GSM
a light-blue short-sleeved tunic top thats sides reach down passed her hips.
The first thing is probably technically correct, though I've never seen it used that way. "the sides of which" is a bit clunky but easier to understand.
"past" for the second bit.
It doesn't look like Natsume is in quite the same rush as her
"as she"
"What are you in the mood for?" I ask to Natsume
I notice a short-haired girl in a blue tunic skipping her way towards me,
Why not tell the reader it's Naomi instead of keeping us geussing for three whole paragraphs?
but I'll make it up to it soon.
"up for it"

Nevertheless good chapter again.

Re: Teach Me To Dance - A Natsume Ooe Pseudo-Route(Updated 2

Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 5:56 pm
by Zerebos
You're such a tease :wink: but I really like where this is headed so far. I wonder what this 'research' is really gunna be.

One more that I think Mirage didn't get:
Her hands are locked together in front of hips
Her hands are locked together in front of her hips?