Flutter - Level Twenty One: Footsies [25/3/17]

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brythain
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Re: Flutter - Level Two: Water Hazard [21/2/16]

Post by brythain » Sun Feb 21, 2016 9:01 pm

freddy753 wrote:
Please forgive me, sempai
senpai*
Those are the same thing. :) [LINK]
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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Re: Flutter - Level Two: Water Hazard [21/2/16]

Post by freddy753 » Sun Feb 21, 2016 11:07 pm

Those are the same thing. :) [LINK]
Hm. The more you know.

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Re: Flutter - Level Two: Water Hazard [21/2/16]

Post by swampie2 » Mon Feb 22, 2016 4:55 am

He offers and the larger Arai sighs noisily
This makes it seem like there are two Taros of varying size. :lol:

It's interesting to see where this is going. Did Hisao jump in to try and save Rika thinking she had a flutter? Did he have a flutter after thinking she had a flutter? Maybe nobody had a flutter??

Find out next time on Sharp's painkiller train.

As always, I'm looking forward to more. Get better soon, too!
One Shots - My stories thread.

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Re: Flutter - Level Two: Water Hazard [21/2/16]

Post by Sharp-O » Mon Feb 22, 2016 10:13 am

swampie2 wrote:
He offers and the larger Arai sighs noisily
This makes it seem like there are two Taros of varying size. :lol:
There's a Goldilocks parody just waiting to be done here. Like the Kenji/Misha Rapunzel thing.

Ironically, I woke up this morning and could not lift my right arm without a shooting pain so I've had to get dressed, make coffee and go to the doctor's with my left arm being dominant. Quite the surreal experience, I have to say...

Got some blood tests to come but hopefully I'll be on the mend soon. Thanks for the concern, Swamp. :D

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Re: Flutter - Level Two: Water Hazard [21/2/16]

Post by Yukarin » Mon Feb 22, 2016 3:43 pm

I don’t know the how or why but as someone who’s been there, done that and got the t-shirt; I kinda feel something for him. A camaraderie. A kinship. Not to mention the other feeling… That burning desire to do all the sorts of things that would be no good for either of us. Oh boy… Is it getting hot in here?
This line is absolutely adorable. This Rika is disgustingly adorable. I flailed around for a good minute to calm myself down.

I'm intrigued by the art. Are you commissioning someone to draw for you?

By the way I love this and I cannot wait for more.

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Re: Flutter - Level Two: Water Hazard [21/2/16]

Post by Sharp-O » Mon Feb 22, 2016 6:17 pm

Yukarin wrote: This line is absolutely adorable. This Rika is disgustingly adorable. I flailed around for a good minute to calm myself down.
That's kinda what I'm going for and I'm glad you like it. She was designed by the team to be a second year student so I figured she'd be a little less mature in some respects and I'm trying to avoid the typical Rika characterisations, even lampooning it a little when I can.
Yukarin wrote:I'm intrigued by the art. Are you commissioning someone to draw for you?
I've only ever drawn one piece of art for my fics (Ritsu's picture of Taro in Monomyth) and had one drawn for me (drawn unsolicited by Mr Munchenhausen) so most of the time, my art assets are culled from any source I can find online and photoshopped for desired effect. Other VN's, doujins, fanart, google in general... anything goes as long as I think I can make it fit. Case in point, Hisao in the water is from something Free! related, I believe.
Yukarin wrote:By the way I love this and I cannot wait for more.
I'm happy you liked it (even if I don't think this chapter's that good) and I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the ride.

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Re: Flutter - Level Two: Water Hazard [21/2/16]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Feb 22, 2016 6:22 pm

brythain wrote:
freddy753 wrote:
Please forgive me, sempai
senpai*
Those are the same thing. :) [LINK]
I've had three or four Japanese teachers now, and so far all of them used what wikipedia describes as "Modified Hepburn" i.e. using the letter "N" no matter what consonant follows. Also all textbooks I've used so far. Modified has been in use since 1974, so while using "M" for some words is not wrong per se it is quite out of use.

Oh, and an adorable chapter by the way!
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Flutter - Level Two: Water Hazard [21/2/16]

Post by azumeow » Tue Feb 23, 2016 11:20 pm

I must concur with the others, and call this shit fucking adorable.
"I don’t want to be here anymore, I know there’s nothing left worth staying for.
Your paradise is something I’ve endured
See I don’t think I can fight this anymore, I’m listening with one foot out the door
And something has to die to be reborn-I don’t want to be here anymore"

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Re: Flutter - Level Two: Water Hazard [21/2/16]

Post by Alpacalypse » Wed Feb 24, 2016 12:57 pm

Wait, did I not comment? Whoops.
everyone on the forums wrote:It's utterly adorable
Pretty much, yeah. Keep up the good work, Sharp!
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I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
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I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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Flutter - Level Three: Hitboxes [27/2/16]

Post by Sharp-O » Sat Feb 27, 2016 6:00 pm

HIMOW!”

Screaming underwater is a useless gesture but that doesn’t stop me from trying as I claw my way toward the sinking Hisao. Having wasted a bunch of my oxygen and feeling the chlorine burn on my eyes, I thank my lucky stars that Hisao starts flailing. That means he’s awake and that I won’t have to haul up a bunch of deadweight.

I come up on his back and wrap my arms tight around his squirming torso, kicking off the bottom of the pool and pushing us both to the surface. We’re both choking and his arms are still swinging wildly but we’re safe. Mostly.

Hisao! Hisao, it’s okay! Calm the fuck down!” I scream with a rasp into his ear and thankfully he does. Our coughs and splutters subside as we wade to the safety of the pool edge, Hisao planting a firm two-handed grip to the side.

“Hurrrrgh,” He bows his head and heaves but nothing comes out. “Uggh, god…” I know how he feels.

“Easy there…” I pant, rubbing his back gently as my heart pounds so loudly I can feel it pulsing in my ears. A slight red blur tints my vision. I feel like I’m gonna throw up.

I steady myself on the pool edge in case I pass out or worse, an odd warmth in my hand makes me cast a curious glance sideways and find I’ve laid my hand atop Hisao’s. He looks over his arm at me, eyes raw with chlorine and emotion.

“Thank you… Rika…” He sniffs loudly, a faint little smile forming.

“Don’t thank me just yet…” I breathe, giving his hand a little squeeze before delivering the bad news. “We still have to see the Doc…”

Whatever smile Hisao had, thankful to be alive, soon vanishes and, honestly, I can’t blame him.

-----------

Wrapped in my towel and dripping a trail back out of the Doctor’s office, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at poor Hisao. He slinks out of the office after he’s been given a clean bill of health and told to take it easy, but not before he gives me a smiling nod on his way out and my view from the bed to the door is blocked by the Doctor.

“How are you feeling now?” He asks with genuine concern. He’d immediately put me down to rest, covering me with a thick sheet after giving me the once over. Given our previous encounters and the fact that I came in under my own steam shows I’m not too bad.

“I still feel like I’m gonna throw up but that’ll probably be the chlorine… Bit of a headache too but not too bad.” I offer with a weak smile but his sudden switch to a sterner expression means I’m in for a telling off.

“That was pretty reckless, Katayama… But I’m glad you were there to keep a cool head and help Nakai. You did the right thing. But considering what Nakai told me; I don’t think I approve of the swearing.”

“It w-was the heat of the moment, Doc…” I mutter quietly. “How is--” I ask but he waves me off with a small smile. “Just a little shock to the system but a slip into a pool will do that. He’s in better shape than his first time with Ibarazaki, at least.”

I almost choke on my own spit as I bolt upright. What does he mean by that? The Doctor chuckles dryly before opening one eye toward me. “Careful now, Katayama. You shouldn’t be getting so worked up!” Then stop provoking me, jerk!

He breathes heavily on his stethoscope before gesturing with it to my slightly damp uniform blouse. I oblige by undoing a few buttons and letting him check the sound of my heart, just to the left of my scar, before checking my pulse through my wrist.

“Hm. Seems normal but it goes without saying that you need to avoid anymore of these... flutters or other undue stress right now. Your Fontan procedure is coming up soon and you wouldn’t want to jeopardize that, now would you?” His tone is less patronising than I expected, almost fatherly, but what he says next annoys me. “I also emailed your mother…”

“What!? You didn’t tell on me for swearing, did you?” I furrow my brow and he simply laughs.

“No, no, don’t worry about that. Just informed her of the incident today is all.” Oh god… That’s way worse…

“You d-didn’t mention Hisao, did you?” I ask cautiously as I button up my blouse. His eyebrows turn quizzical as he slips his hands into his pockets.

“Not by name, no, but I did mention that a fellow student was involved. Oh, I did mention it was a male student.”

The clap of my palm meeting my face sounds like a distant lightning strike, which is pretty much what the ‘good’ Doctor has done. He’s called down the lightning; right on my — and undoubtedly Hisao’s — head.

“I take it that I shouldn’t have done that?”

“Did you even take a Hippocratic Oath, Doc? First DO NO HARM! That means not putting me in my mom’s cross-hairs!” I half-roar, half-sigh in exasperation.

“I’ll take that as a noooo…” He replies as I throw the covers off me and hop onto the tiled floor.

“Forget it, Doc…” I sigh, picking up the drawstring bag with all my swimming gear in and sling it over my shoulder. “Just know that I am going to haunt you something fierce after my mom kills me.” I giggle and throw a smile his way.

“If I had a yen for every student that said that…” He smirks back and I leave the Doctor to his afternoon duties.

-----------

The evening passed without much fanfare. I showered, did some homework and then bundled up in my duvet playing Persona 3 while I waited for a phone call that never came.

Maybe the Doc’s email bounced back or something and I’m in the clear. I hope so. I don’t see Hisao throughout the next day, which is worrying but he could have taken the day to recover. Or maybe I just haven’t seen him. I hope I see him again.

“Doesn’t take a mind reader to know who you’re thinking about!” I look up from a half-finished English sentence to Fuuka, who sits across from me with her chin in her hands. “C’mon then; gimme the juicy details!”

“There’s no juicy details.” I sigh, continuing my coursework lazily.

“Even after he saw you in a swimsuit? Is there something wrong in his pants?” She smirks and my shoulders slump as I give her an incredulous look. “I’m just saying! He’d have to be deader downstairs than I am to not react to your cute butt in navy lyyyycra!” She teases in a sing-song voice, making fun of herself while she does so. I really don’t like it when she does that…

“He was too busy coughing up a lungful of water and I was having a minor heart attack after dragging him to the surface so, y’know, the animalistic lust-making had to be put on hold.” I admit grimly, which shuts her up for all of a couple seconds, but at least she comes back a little more… Civilised.

“What!?” She exclaims, earning a mild look of disdain from our English teacher. She mouths a ‘sorry’ and then leans in conspiratorially. I explain the events of the previous evening; Hisao’s slip and dip into the pool, my little heart flutter and our trip to the Doctor’s office.

She shakes her head in disbelief as I simply shrug, trying to focus on work. She leans back in her chair, blowing air through her pursed lips as she sweeps a hand through her short, red hair. “Well I’m glad you’re not dead, Rika. Nakai too, I guess; since you’re sweet on him.”

I crack a small smirk and let an amused snort of air out through my nose. “Thanks, Fuuka.”

-----------

I decide to skip the pool because I don’t fancy pushing my luck and because Hisao still has my swim towel… So another night of Persona it is! Just as I bundle up in my duvet, mom’s care package of goodies next to me, there’s a knock at the door. I put the controller on the floor and shuffle towards the door, resigning myself to more of Fuuka’s teasing and plotting but when I open the door, I find Hisao holding my towel.

“Ummm, hi there.” He cracks a little smile and I throw the duvet off my shoulders.

“Heeeyyyy, Hisaooooo.” I drag out the greeting as I try to kick the duvet out of sight but eventually give up when I realise I’m thoroughly caught. “I wasn’t expecting company…” I admit and Hisao chuckles.

“You don’t say! I went by the pool to bring this back,” He explains, offering up the towel. “But you weren’t there. So I thought I’d catch you here…”

“Well you caught me,” I sigh, my shoulders drooping as I take the towel. “Oh, you washed it. Thanks, Hisao!” I gesture for him to follow me inside as I place the towel down on my desk and throw my duvet haphazardly back on my bed.

“Well I didn’t want to bring back a damp towel stinking of chlorine and me so… I had some laundry to do anyway so it was no trouble.”

“You do your own laundry?” I ask, shocked.

“Well, yeah… Don’t you?” He retorts and I look down sheepishly.

“No… The last time I attempted the washer flooded and it left soap suds everywhere…” I quietly admit and Hisao laughs. I bop him on the arm and he laughs louder. “I’m not good at housework, okay? I’ve never really had to do it…” Either because of my frailty or because of my own failed attempts to do it, there’s always been someone to do it for me, mostly my granddad.

“You’re going to have to learn eventually, you know. Anyway, I just wanted to return your towel and thank you again for yesterday. I’m glad you were there.” His earnest smile, his big brown eyes… I internally curse the beguiling upperclassman as I rub my biceps nervously, cheeks flushed.

“It’s no big deal, anyone would have done the same…” I blush brightly but his slight frown tells me otherwise.

“I, um, I don’t think I could have…”

I sit on my bed and offer a place beside, which he accepts. His expression becomes worrisome and he wrings his hands nervously. “Sorry, it’s just… Gah, I’m not very good at opening up, sorry.” He scratches his head in frustration and I place a hand on his knee for reassurance.

“It’s okay, Hisao. If you don’t wanna talk, you don’t have to.”

“I should though. What you did for me was so amazing and so brave and I’m struggling with…” His head sinks with a sigh as he leans on his knees with his elbows. “I’m struggling with the fact that if our roles were reversed; if you were kicking and struggling for breath… I don’t think I’d have done what you have.”

Huh. Okay… I honestly don’t know what to say to that. I mean, I don’t think he’s saying he wouldn’t try to save me, just that he’d be… Scared? “You only slipped because you got up to look for me. It was a scary situation, to be sure, but in the moment you tried at least. That’s what counts.” I offer up, cautiously, patting his knee gently.

“I… appreciate that, Rika but with the way my hea-condition is, I think I’d just freeze. I mean one wrong move and I’d be in just as much, if not more, trouble than you would be.” Oh! So that’s it. His heart. One sharp knock would be pretty deadly, and I guess I ran that gauntlet too when I rushed in but I was fine. Ish. Wow, I guess I was pretty lucky not to get nailed in the chest when Hisao panicked. The thought alone is enough to send a morbid shudder through my body.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just…” I chuckle a little at the irony of the situation. “I’m just thinking that it was pretty dangerous for me too and I only just realised it.” I look at him and I can tell he’s about to apologise by his guilty face alone. No, you don’t, senpai.

“Hisao, we all second-guess ourselves but in the heat of the moment, I like to think you’d do the same for me and, just so you know, I’d do it again.” I smile with a blush and he does the same before looking away.

“Yeah?” He asks and I move my hand from his knee to his hand, giving it a tentative squeeze.

“In a heartbeat.”
Last edited by Sharp-O on Sat Feb 27, 2016 7:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Flutter - Level Three: Hitboxes [27/2/16]

Post by TubaMirum » Sat Feb 27, 2016 7:19 pm

Fuuka is my kind of devious! :twisted:

I don't know if it's necessarily an issue in style, but it does get a bit difficult to discern who's talking in some of the paragraphs where dialogue is split between different characters. I might just be dumb and trying to attribute dialogue in a single paragraph as belonging to more than one character, though. I have a tendency to be dumb :D
Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.

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Re: Flutter - Level Three: Hitboxes [27/2/16]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Feb 27, 2016 7:22 pm

So... Hisao fell in?

At the end of the last chapter I kinda thougth he jumped in because he was worried about Rika staying too long underwater...
How did he fall in when he was sitting at the corner of the pool?

I also didn't get that she had a minor heart attack until she told Fuuka - I guess Hisao's are always WAY more dramatic :-)

Finally:
Whatever smile Hisao had, thankful to be alive, soon vanished and, honestly, I couldn’t blame him.
Should be present tense.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Flutter - Level Three: Hitboxes [27/2/16]

Post by Sharp-O » Sat Feb 27, 2016 7:40 pm

TubaMirum wrote:Fuuka is my kind of devious! :twisted:

I don't know if it's necessarily an issue in style, but it does get a bit difficult to discern who's talking in some of the paragraphs where dialogue is split between different characters. I might just be dumb and trying to attribute dialogue in a single paragraph as belonging to more than one character, though. I have a tendency to be dumb :D
Hi, Tuba! Thanks for dropping in to read! I'm pretty sure you're not the first to say that but I always try to make it as clear as I can through context without having endless isolated bit of dialogue. I'll keep working on it and thanks again for reading!
Mirage_GSM wrote:So... Hisao fell in?
I've gone back and made it clearer what happened. During the course of writing the chapter I completely forgot to add in that Hisao slipped while getting up to get a better view to check on Rika. My bad!
Mirage_GSM wrote:I also didn't get that she had a minor heart attack until she told Fuuka - I guess Hisao's are always WAY more dramatic :-)
Fixed up the wording a little and added in something that I actually meant to in the first place. Given how long Rika has suffered with her condition, not to mention the copious amounts of surgery she's had to fix her heart, she's definitely got a better handle on it than Hisao and the parallels between them is something I definitely wanted to play with in this story. Thanks for reading and, as ever, your input has been invaluable! :D

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Re: Flutter - Level Three: Hitboxes [27/2/16]

Post by Gajzla » Sat Feb 27, 2016 8:08 pm

Nice chapter once again. I was confused as well by what actually happened in the pool, but I guess thats the perils of writing while drugged. :) Hope you're feeling better.

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Re: Flutter - Level Three: Hitboxes [27/2/16]

Post by Sharp-O » Sat Feb 27, 2016 8:22 pm

Gajzla wrote:Nice chapter once again. I was confused as well by what actually happened in the pool, but I guess thats the perils of writing while drugged. :) Hope you're feeling better.
Thanks Gaj! I'm actually not feeling any better but, at the very least, I'm getting a sense of what it's like to be Natsume day-to-day and trust me when I say that she'd be a (rightly) frustrated, cantankerous grump most of the time.

"Why can't I hold this fucking pen? It takes me 20 minutes to put on a god damn sock! Naomi, please open this bottle before I throw it at Maeda."

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