NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

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Heartbrokenman
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NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by Heartbrokenman » Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:08 pm

Hey my friends,
I've got a brand spanking new character to fall in love with Hanako. (say what you want we all love a bit of Hanako)
Over the last couple of days I've been thinking about Katawa shoujo so therefore lets keep this fan fiction page alive with brand new stuff for all you big fans out there.
The character "Sammy Woods"
medium build
brown messy hair
eyepatch
You know the usual type of guy. However I'm starting to worry that the fan base is dying. SO PLEASE KEEP IT ALIVE. Get back to me if we want posts and If so you will get the first part tonight.
Thank you everyone I love Emi

Heartbrokenman
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Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:02 pm

Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by Heartbrokenman » Tue Nov 24, 2015 3:18 pm

Screw it I'm too excited lets get this ball rolling.

Can you face the truth?
“A Sammy route”

Chapter 1: a new start

Green trousers? Check. Smart white shirt? Check. Cock sure grin that covers my nerves? Hell yeah. Eye patch that makes me look more suited on a ship with a bottle of rum and a hearty crew. Sadly yes. My cock sure grin slowly fades into that of a frown as that sudden thought pops into my head. I stare into the mirror, my messy brown hair covers the minority of my forehead while the distinctive eye patch wraps around my head covering what used to be my left eye while I still reveal my dark brown right eye. I make my way to my new bed to gaze into my black rucksack. Empty. Well it is my first day I can’t expect myself to have a heavy load of books to carry around. I guess my back appreciates the light load. I grab my keys and make my way out of the room closing and locking the door 3A. I slowly stroll out of the door away from the boy’s dormitory while being assaulted by the morning sun’s beams. My eye stings at the onslaught of the sun. God I wish I was still in my bed. To think that I must start another new day at yet another new school.

"Yamaku the school for the physically disabled".

Cripple estate. I chuckle to myself at my own expense to the very cruel comment in my head. I guess I never change. I make my way to the main school building to be met by what I think is a teacher. I middle aged tall man with dark hair and dropped eyes hangs above me, however he lightens up as he sees me.

“N-N-Nakai?” He says trying he’s best to say the certain name.

“Afraid not.” I reply confused as to why he said that name. I guess another new student is meant to come today. As I start to wonder another student comes rushing through the doors looking almost stunned at the sight of me and that teacher.

“Are you Nakai?” The old man says again looking more hopeful this time. The other boy nods he’s head at the mention of his name.

“So you must be Woods?” I nod my head in return, I guess better then never to recognize me.

“Good your both here I am Mutou, I am your home room teacher as well as your science teacher you will both be in class room 3-1.” He rubs his stubbly chin as if to go over what else he was meant to say, then snaps his finger at sudden realization.

“Ah yes would you both like to introduce yourself?” He says and then turns to Nakai waiting for a reply, Nakai slowly reaches up to his brown hair running his hand through it trying to come to a conclusion.

“I guess so I mean that’s the normal thing to do right?” Nakai says almost grimacing at the sound of his own voice. Mutou nods his head and lets out a small smile so small that it was almost non-visible. I just put my thumb up to Mutou to reassure him that I will do the same as Nakai, with formalities out the way we make our way down to the classroom.

Mutou clambers through the door to his classroom while Nakai closely follows and I in turn. I gaze towards the class mates the majority with some form of limb or bandage on a body part. Apart from three. One being a girl with blue hair and thick round glasses frantically signing something. Another being a pink haired girl with some thought of drills in her hair replying to the signing with her own. And a girl with long black hair with what seem to be burn scars on her hair. She see’s me observing her and dashes her face away to almost destroy my vision of her. By the time I’ve done observing the class Nakai’s already done with his introduction and made his way to his seat next to the girl with blue hair. Time for me to have a go I guess. But how?

Keep it formal?
Same cocky shit? X


“Hi my names Sammy, I like games, running and hanging out with friends. And no before you ask I’m not a pirate although I do like rum.” The class makes small chuckles at my little pun including Mutou so I continue.

“I don’t plan on making trouble I just want to sail through school.” More chuckles but less than before.

“So please don’t be afraid to talk to me.” I smile and take a step back allowing Mutou to take over again.

“Woods you can take a seat next to Ikewaza, a big round of applause for our new students please make them feel welcome” Mutou finishes and takes a seat at he’s desk, the class makes a humble round of applause as I make my way to my seat. I take a seat and sling my bag down next to my chair as Mutou mentions some group work to be carried out. I look back at Nakai who seems to be kidnapped by both the pink and blue haired girls. Time to make friends I guess.

I look to the dark haired who seems to be packing her stuff away. I make my way over to her table to try and grab myself a partner before she leads.

“Hey are you leaving I was hoping you could help me?” She freezes as I address her, maybe I came off too strong?

“Come on you can be my first mate.” I make a suggestive tone to the word “first mate” to make yet another pirate joke to which I sense a small giggle, yet she quickly snaps out of it and puts her bag back down. Yes my charisma hasn’t failed me yet.

“So you must be Ikewaza right?” Going from what Mutou said I guessed for the best, she nods but in one quick motion almost non-visible.

“N-Nice t-to me-eet you.” She says in such a quiet voice it was almost silent. Man this girl is shy, maybe it’s my arrogant domineer that seems to intimidate her so I start to cool things down.

“Likewise, but please call me Woods for short.” I’ve always preferred my last name to my first, makes me seem more cool then I act anyway.

“C-Call m-me Ha-ana-ak-ko.” She says in a frantic amount of stutters. Her hands shake as she grabs her work book out of her bag.

“Hanako it is, by the way I lied earlier.” She turns towards me slightly as I say this as one of her eyes goes as wide as saucers. She asks what I mean in another frantic bombardment of stutters. For this I come closer towards her but not uncomfortable so and whisper.

“I actually am a pirate but don’t tell anyone.” She chuckles once again but so quickly if I looked away I wouldn’t have noticed, I need to stop with the shit pirate jokes.

“Trust me, I’ve seen it all, the high sea, endless amounts of rum as well as various men without any teeth.” A small smile appears on her face almost like she’s picturing the image I’m describing.

“We s-should d-d-do our work.” She says starting to stare at her notes.

“Sure thing, urm what are we doing?” I hate science.

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AntonSlavik020
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Tue Nov 24, 2015 3:58 pm

I'm guessing based on his name that he's not Japanese? Personally, I'm not a big fan of non-Japanese OCs, so this automatically didn't get off to a great start for me. I also found the fake choice more distracting than anything. This is also extremely short, so I don't really have a lot to go on yet. Longer posts are generally better.
Best girl
Hanako=Shizune>Misha>Lilly>Rin>Emi

Best route
Hanako>Lilly>Rin>Emi>Shizune

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swampie2
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by swampie2 » Tue Nov 24, 2015 3:59 pm

Heartbrokenman wrote:However I'm starting to worry that the fan base is dying. SO PLEASE KEEP IT ALIVE.
That's bound to happen 1421 days after release. :lol:

In regards to your story, get yourself a proofreader. There we a couple instances of weird grammar:

“Hey are you leaving I was hoping you could help me?”
Should be
“Hey, are you leaving? I was hoping you could help me.”

Still, Keep it up!
One Shots - My stories thread.

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AntonSlavik020
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Tue Nov 24, 2015 4:03 pm

And to your point about the fanbase, like Swampie said, it's been a while since KS came out. I've taken a few hiatuses myself, one of which lasted a few months. Even now I'm admittedly not as into KS as I used to be. RWBY is kinda dominating my fanfiction reading right now.
Best girl
Hanako=Shizune>Misha>Lilly>Rin>Emi

Best route
Hanako>Lilly>Rin>Emi>Shizune

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ComeWhatMay
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by ComeWhatMay » Tue Nov 24, 2015 5:12 pm

Interesting start. Very short though, so unless you're going for a sort of "flash fiction" vibe, you might want your posts to be a bit longer. Sammy is certainly a far cry from Hisao, his demeanor could definitely be entertaining!

Some quick constructive criticism, your dialogue (at least to me) feels pretty stilted, and as some have pointed out, the grammar could be better in some places.

"Good your both here I am Mutou, I am your home room teacher as well as your science teacher you will both be in class room 3-1."
>
"Good you're both here, I am Mutou. I am your home room teacher as well as your science teacher, and you will both be in class room 3-1."

Certainly not unreadable though, keep it up!
Come What May - Cliché No matter what might happen.

Currently writing Can You Accept Your Fate? Saki Enomoto Pseudo Route. 34,000 words and counting.

Oh you wear your facade so well, covered up in your plastic shell

Heartbrokenman
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by Heartbrokenman » Tue Nov 24, 2015 7:05 pm

Hey guys it's me again. I appreciate all the feedback and support. YOU ARE ALL MY MOTIVATION.
LETS GET GOING.

Chapter 2: big bad blackout

“And that’s why you can’t get oil down to the bottom of a beaker full of water.” Mutou breaks from his monotone rambling much to the classes’ pleasure. The sound of the bell brings everyone to life as they rush back to their respected dorms, I bid farewell to Hanako and make my way back to my room. For a first day it has really warn me out. I spent the day trying to stay with Hanako but ultimately failing and falling into the swing of the library, losing myself in a copy “A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream”. My brother’s famous words ringing in my head.

“Nothing a lady likes more then Romeo and Juliet little bro.” Since then I’ve always had a fancy for Shakespeare. Hey, just call me Casanova. Or the master of romance. Nope, I prefer Casanova. The rest of the day consisted of menial tasks and Mutou’s ramblings so I can hear my bed call for my body. As I enter the boy’s dorm I manage to see Nakai walking away from another boy with thick glasses and a scarf, Nakai shudders as he walks away.

“Hey Nakai.” I call, he snaps his head up to see myself and produces a small tired smile.

“Hey Woods right?” He asks. Is my name really that difficult to remember?

“The one and only, where have you been you weren’t in last lesson?” This is true the dynamic duo of pink and blue looked like lost puppies without Nakai about.

“Yeah I made my way to the old block and visited the nurse, please call me Hisao.” Ah yes the nurse the man with purple hair and a cock sure smile that out matches my own. He gave me antiseptic cream while saying “don’t forget to rub yourself every day” to which scared me more than anything by what he was implying, I mean I know he’s trying to be friendly but there’s friendly and then border line creepy.

“Did I miss much?” Hisao asks. Boy did he! I’d like to say he did but during last period I was more captivated by the girl beside me as well as the curiosity of if I stare at the clock will it go faster. Conclusion, no it won’t in fact time seems to stop completely.

“Apart drool falling from my mouth and Mutou thinking he’s as exciting as a dog on a motorbike, then no you didn’t.” My sarcasm causes a chuckle from Hisao.

“Do you want to come in for a bit?” I ask gesturing to my room, I’m tired but making friends is a priority. Better to have an army then to be a lone wolf.

“Sure.” I enter my room and Hisao quickly follows, I allow him to take a seat on my bed while I sit on my desk chair and we decide to carry on chatting. He seems to evaluate the state of my room and go over the various attributes of my so called room.

“Your room just as bland as mine I take it.” He smiles at the thought of his dull as ditch water room. He’s right my room is far from appealing, white walls, grey sheets and stilted wooden desks are just some of the least captivating decorations within my room. The most captivating factors being that of my mini fridge as well as my bottle of antiseptic suitable for one misplaced eye socket balanced on my sink. I grimace at the thought of it but ultimately I have to do it.

“Hey do you mind if I quickly?” I gesture towards the jar of miracle cream, hoping he understands my true intentions. He nods allowing striding towards my bathroom. I pick up the bottle and read the various side effects one standing out more than the rest. “If the hardness lasts more than 24 hours call a doctor.” Wait, isn’t that the same instructions as on a Viagra packet? I shrug off the thought and unscrew the top off the bottle to reveal the milky white cream which wafts the sweet smell of lavender in my direction. I look over in Hisao’s direction to see he’s a mixture of observing me and looking for something interesting to suddenly pop out of my room like a small pirate ship with a hearty crew. For fucks sake no more pirates.

“Hey Hisao do you like horror movies?” I ask, he jolts up at the sudden question and slowly shakes his head.

“Then best not to look in this direction my friend.” I laugh at my expense. I flip my eye patch upside up to reveal my distinguished black hole so to say. The skin leather like to the touch makes me feel slightly ill. To think at one point there used to be an eye there. I guess life doesn’t work in your favour, if it did I’d have two eyes and an army of supermodels catering to my every need. We could possibly start a crew of pirat-. I cut my own thought off. No more. I dip two of my fingers into the cream, it’s cold and thick and not at all appealing to feel. I raise it closer towards my black hole and slowly rub it in a circular movement around my eye. I curse under my breath at the stinging sensation of the cream. After several minutes of rubbing I flip my eye patch down and make my way over to Hisao.

“They really tried to rope you in?” I say shocked to Hisao. Over the last hour we have sat down and chatted going over various subjects such as school work, friends, past school, girlfriends although Hisao seemed very touchy about the subject.My heritage came up as well, to have a name like Sammy in Japan is quite unique. The truth, my father is from America, Brooklyn to be exact. I never met the guy but one day I’ll meet him. He’ll also pay for what he’s done.

“Yeah they tried their best but I declined, you should have seen their faces.” He says as he chuckles. I too let out a laugh, just the thought of the dynamic duo crying several rivers because of Hisao makes me happy. Maybe I’m a bit sadistic. Hisao glances at his watch.

“Woah I better get going I got school work to attend to.” He says as he prepares to leave.

“Yeah no worries pal, see you tomorrow.” As I open the door and lead him out we say our goodbyes, I then continue to draw myself over to my bed until I collapse in my stuffy white heaven known as my bed, I shut my eyes and prepare for sweet slumber.

I see nothing.

Just a cold dark abyss.

I feel numb.

I can’t breathe.

Suddenly a stinging pain ruptures within my old eye.

I scream but no one hears, then black.

I wake with a start. A cool breeze brushes my face. Sudden realisation hits me like a semi. I’m on the school roof. Thank god I left my clothes on. I start to go into the foetal position to calm myself down. However my effort is futile as tears start to fall down my face once again. Like I said I guess I’ll never change. This isn’t the first time this has happened and certainly not the last. I’m just thankful this one was very low key. I grimace at the last time I woke up in a strange area. Erasing that memory I wipe my face and try and calm down.

I start to rise and make my way back to my dorm with shaky steps. I open the door.

“AHH!” A voice squeals as I open the door. I look over the door to see.

“Hanako?” I’m confused. Why is she here? I look down at her in the corner next to the door and she’s. Crying?

“Hey are you okay?”

“I’m okay j-just sc-cared.” She replies wiping her tears.

“Scared of what?” I asked confused by what she’s suggesting. She takes a deep breath try to compose herself.

“You leant on the barrier and, an-nd and.” She pauses taking her time. She looks like a volcano about to erupt but continues to compose herself.

“You we-ent over an-nd I pulled y-you up.”

I pause and step back in shock. I feel a familiar sick feeling in my stomach. To find the new boy dangling over the barrier of the school roof on his first day isn’t the greatest ways to view him. I start to cry again for old time sake and hold onto Hanako crying into her shoulder. She saved my life. And she’s not the first one.

“Thank you so much Hanako.”

“It’s o-okay.” She replies. However one thing is stuck in my mind.

“Wait how did you know I was heading to the roof, did you follow me?” I ask curiosity getting the better of me. Her eyes go wide still with redness around them down to her crying.

“I-I-I ne-e-eeded a wal-lk.” She states blankly which causes her to look down ashamed. I guess a hit a nerve I decide not to pry, hell she’ll feel comfortable enough with me eventually that’ll she’ll let me know but for now I’ll keep patient.

“Y-You h-had your ey-ye closed and w-was walking.” She continues. Hell it is my first day. Yet she’s already saved my life. Man I’m a fucking fruit loop.

“So what do you want to do?”

From that point on none of us could sleep, we spent the next several hours trying to talk to each other. It’s not a matter of what we could talk about but how much we could until one of us falls asleep. She doesn’t pry into my blackout and boy am I happy about it. Three hours pass until she falls asleep and I manage to get a closer look of her. She has scars obviously over the right side of her body, the skin leather like to look at doesn’t distinguish her beauty but reminds me of my own scars. However unlike me she cannot hide it so easily. She breathes through her mouth which continues to raise her dark fringe up and down. She wears the normal school uniform but wears dark boots to change it up slightly. She’s cute simple as and her scars don’t change that. It’d almost be weird to think that someone so beautiful is so shy to meet others. But I don’t blame her when I first lost my eye I felt the same. It’s nice to have a subconscious connection with someone over a small similarity. I mean it’s the first day here and she’s already saved my life. That doesn’t happen every day. I decide that checking out a girl in her sleep is quite bad so I stand up and make my way over to her. I place one arm under her legs and the other wrapped around the back of her neck. Much to my relief she’s quite light. I take her back to my room and much to my luck not run into any staff roaming around the area. This would be a hard one to explain. “Hi she saved me from sleep suicide and then fell asleep so I’m taking her to my room.” Not the best idea.” Trying to fetch my keys out my pocket is much more difficult than I thought. Dam my shit fine motor skills. It’s at this point I wish I was a claw machine like the ones at the arcade to make this simple task much simpler. The door next to me opens and for lack of a better phrase. I shit my pants. Hisao appears from out of the door and stares at me like a deer caught in headlights.

“It’s not what it looks like I swear.” I say still looking extremely sheepish. He just laughs grabs my keys opens the door and makes his leave. Hisao fucking Nakai. I enter my room and place Hanako on my bed, raise the covers and tuck her in. She’s so cute I couldn’t help myself. I brush her hair away and kiss her on the forehead.

“Goodnight Hanako.” I say as I sit on my desk chair starting to review today’s events. Several boring lectures. Two new friends made. And a fuck load of homework are just the few things that occurred today. Minus the homework I may like it here. My eye lid starts to feel the same cinderblock and because of it I drift off into sleep. Proper sleep this time.

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AntonSlavik020
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Tue Nov 24, 2015 9:49 pm

Parental angst, huh? I can get behind that. It's one of the few kinds I actually like, so I'm looking forward to were that goes.
Best girl
Hanako=Shizune>Misha>Lilly>Rin>Emi

Best route
Hanako>Lilly>Rin>Emi>Shizune

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swampie2
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by swampie2 » Wed Nov 25, 2015 6:39 am

Right off the bat this chapter is much higher quality than the first, great job. There were a couple errors here and there, but nothing un-readable in the slightest.
Mutou thinking he’s as exciting as a dog on a motorbike
Wahaha! That caught me off guard, fantastic.
One Shots - My stories thread.

Heartbrokenman
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by Heartbrokenman » Wed Nov 25, 2015 3:47 pm

Guys all your advice and comments make my day. This whole fanfic page is making my love for KS come alive every word at a time
MOVING ON, LETS ROLL!

Chapter 3: Mistakes are made

A sudden stir from beside me wakes me up but I keep my eye shut wanting to stay in the sweet embrace of slumber. Please don’t wake me up. Please don’t. After five minutes of waiting to see if the person beside me is to awake, I come up with the conclusion that it was just a sleep movement. A sudden blast of noise rings from my phone alarm causing me to burst my eye open and scares me enough for me to fall of my seat and fall face first on the floor. The pounding in my head from the impact finally brings me back to reality.

“Fuck my life.” I whisper under my breath as I raise myself from the ground. As I raise my head I see Hanako hiding in the corner of my bed with the blanket wrapped up to her chin, she must of thought she was undressed and panicked. Hopefully she doesn’t think I’m that creepy to undress her when she’s asleep.

“Morning.” I grunt still hurt by my sudden mishap. I shut my alarm and turn to my mini fridge and pull out some orange juice.

“M-Morning, did I-I fall as-sleep?” She asks looking confused by the sudden realisation that she’s in a room rather than her own. I chuckle as I grab two glasses from my drawer, sadly they’re only shot glasses but better then drinking out of the carton like an animal.

“Yeah just by the roof, just thank Nakai for opening the door for me.” I say as I start to pour our drinks into the two separate glasses, she looks shocked for a second by the sound Hiaso’s name but she gently settles down.

“You're lighter than you think, plus you're quite cute when you sleep.” I say trying to be nice, however her shocked expression says other things.

“You looked at m-me?” She asks cover her face with the duvet. Shit looks like I’ve hit a landmine. I mean I don’t want to make her panic, but I don’t her to think I was lying. What the fuck do I say?

I see no point in lying since I’ve already dropped myself in it, I decide that the truth is the best bet.

“Hey I couldn’t help it you were too cute to not look at.” I try to make it seem casual while taking sips of my drink, praying to the lord that she doesn’t take it badly. Luckily she slowly pulls the duvet down and smiles slightly.

“T-Thank you, for t-taking m-me b-back.” She hurries with the last line which initially with any other girl would almost seemed force to stop the flirting, however with Hanako I can’t tell. She takes a sip at her drink and starts coughing. I grab the carton and read the bottom in big bold letters.

“With juicy bits.”

“Shit sorry, would you lik-“

“I-It’s fine h-honestly.” She cuts me off breaking my apology to the shitty drink. Dam I should have realised no one likes bits. We end up sitting in silence drinking the rest of my tasty orange juice. However this atmosphere is strange. It’s not an awkward silence but more a relaxing one. Like nothing is here besides both us two and the shitty orange juice. I guess I could get used to this. Hanako frequently throws glances in my direction almost like she’s copying the notes of the board. I decide to look back to try and combat her frequent glances, to my mistake she turns her face away with a slight glow of crimson plastered on her cheeks. Maybe I shouldn’t of looked. I shrug, maybe I’m not a Casanova. Maybe she’s afraid of me and what I’m capable of? I wipe that thought away from my mind before my mood darkens. Its way too fucking early to act so pessimistic. I stand and offer Hanako a hand to which she hesitantly accepts. Her hand, scarred like the right side of her body. He shocks me at first but I quickly relax back to my normal. The skin feels rough to the touch however not that of a bad one. I don’t grimace nor do I back away, I just simply give her a reassuring squeeze as I pull her up. However I pull too hard and before I know it I’m back on the floor except this time with Hanako on me.

“Shit.” I instinctively say as my head collides with the floor once again, Hanako letting out a small yelp in shock. With our bodies touching I start to notice more about Hanako’s appearance. Her deep purple eyes open as wide as saucers, probably down to our current physical contact. Her hair hangs down over my face, the bristles on my chin tickle at the feeling of her silky soft hair. However all the pleasure is lost as she reacts to the situation and pounces off me like she’s touched boiling water. I rise and make an awkward cough to try and break the tension.

“So, class?” I ask trying to break the awkward atmosphere. She doesn’t look at me but instead heads towards the door, her eyes still as wide as before. We walk through the corridor no word being said. God this is bad. I notice Hisao and call out him hoping that he will save this awkward situation.

“Hey Hisao!” He turns with a start all the while clutching his chest. Looks like I scared him. I give him a reassuring pat on the back which doesn’t seem to help, in fact it makes things worse. He falls to his knees hand still holding his chest. I can see the blood rush straight to his head.

“Hey buddy you okay?” His eyes are closed now and he’s breathing like he’s ran several marathon’s. The similar sound of the nurse rings in my head.

“Don’t run in the corridors and NEVER slap another student on the chest……or back.”

I take a step back to try and give him some room, clearly I’ve done enough damage I don’t want to ruin it anymore. I can visibly see he’s struggling more than I thought, visible sweat falling down his forehead is a reminder of that.

“Hisao you need the nurse.” I panic, my fear for the worst starting to control both my mind set and my speech. However Hisao quickly raises his hand as a prompt for me to not grab any help. He raises one knee and leans on it similar to that of a man climbing a mountain. I rush over and help him up. To my surprise he doesn’t look angry but more relieved.

“Sorry heart condition.” He says almost forced. He’s still breathing hard but not as much as before.

“You’re going to the nurse, hell I almost killed you.” I order making sure I will not be responsible for his death even though I caused all this mess. He shoots me a “you fucker” look before sighing and agreeing.

“Fine, is she okay?” I turn as soon as Hisao finishes talking. I see Hanako frozen in place looking like she could bolt at any moment. Her hands are shaking and her breathing is short and quick. She looks like she’ll collapse at any point. I slowly make my way over to her trying my best to reassure her. Her reaction? She bolts down the corridor not leaving a trace behind. I sigh and slump my shoulders.

“I’ve made two people panic and it’s only the morning.” I say already exhausted down to my stupidity. I guess I’m not as well tuned with people as I initially thought. Hisao is chuckling to my expense now even though he was breathing like a dog on heat.

“I guess today’s not your day.” Hisao says still laughing as though as I’m the joke and Hanako running is the punch line.

“Should I go after her?” I’m still slumped staring into the direction of where Hanako vanished.

“Honestly my friend I have no ide-uff!” Hisao’s confused are cut short by a heard impact impaling him causing him to become winded followed by the sound of bodies hitting the floor. Not fucking again. I turn with exceptional speed to see Hisao on the floor eyes closed, with a small pink haired girl with metal legs on top. She hops of him rubbing her head.

“Hey sorry I didn’t mean to crash into you.” She says apologetically. No response, Hisao is motionless not even the raise of his something to reassure me that he’s breathing can be seen. Fuck this is not good. He’s out cold.

“Hey I’m talking to you!” The girl says looking more angry then apologetic. Anger rushes through my blood seeing this girl be both so reckless and ignorant.

“He’s got a heart condition and you knocked him to the floor no wonder he’s not replying!” I snap anger getting the better of me. She turns to me shocked by my sudden outburst as well as her own actions. All she can muster is a quiet of shit before she starts to panic. I lift Hisao up bridal style making sure I don’t whack him into any objects.

“You get the doors we need to get the nurse.” She’s crying now but nods trying her best to remain calm. I move with a quick pace not wanting my new friend to die. We make our way down each corridor ignoring the gazes of passers-by until we make our way to the old building towards the nurse’s room. The girl bursts through the door with sheer force.

“NURSE WE NEED YOU NOW!” She screams, the nurse spins around as his smile turns into a serious expression. He directs me to lay Hisao down on the spare bed. I lay him down as carefully as I can, the nurse brings out several bits of equipment to go over and asses Hisao with. I wait their patiently worry coursing through my body at the thought of Hisao’s heart. After several excruciating minutes the nurse makes his way over a smile now adorned on his face.

“Everything is okay, the boy just needs some rest.” He says reassuringly causing me and the girl to calm down. However his expression changes once again to a serious one, it’s quite scary how quickly his expression can change.

“Now Emi what happened?” He asks the girl know as Emi to which she responds with floods of tears.

“IT WAS ME I RAN INTO HIM.” She whimpers through an endless onslaught of tears, it’s quite a sight to see although not an enjoyable one. The nurse sighs and goes on a whole ten minute lecture to Emi about why she shouldn’t run in corridors, it sounds so scripted it maes me wonder if this has happened before. If so then maybe more people should wear big signs saying “Heart condition do not run into.”

“And you.” The nurse then turns his attention to me, he forces a smile.

“Looks like you played the hero, it’s good to know he’s got friends so early on.” He’s compliment makes me feel guilty. Although I brought him here, five minutes before the appearance of Emi I almost killed hi. Guilt gets the better of me.

“Actually I kind of smacked his back early making him have a flutter.” I say with an awkward expression. The nurse just simply sighs and goes serious once again. Jesus he’s freighting.

“Then your both idiots.” He states blankly, I can take that he’s not wrong after all.

“Best you both get to your classes.” He says, I grab my stuff and make my leave.

“Oh and Emi.” The nurse adds not quite content with his lectures.

“No more tackling boys down at least ask them to dinner first.” And with that I make my way to lessons.

What a fucking morning.
Last edited by Heartbrokenman on Wed Nov 25, 2015 4:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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swampie2
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by swampie2 » Wed Nov 25, 2015 4:56 pm

“Your lighter than you think, plus you quite cute when you sleep.”
You're not your. 'You're' means 'you are' while 'your' would be used like 'how is your orange juice?'

This should read: 'You're lighter than you think, plus you're quite cute when you sleep.'

Some other errors here and there, but you're still improving, keep it up!
One Shots - My stories thread.

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Numb
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Location: In a chair behind a desk. Always.

Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by Numb » Wed Nov 25, 2015 7:40 pm

I'm sorry I have to be the one to say this, but this isn't good. That's not to say you can't improve, because you can, just not by doing this. Please don't take this personally, because I know it can be hard dealing with harsh constructive criticism for the first time. I'm going to list your major flaws and offer suggestions to improve them. I am by no means an authoritative figure in any writing community, but I have done my fair share of writing and believe I know enough to offer my input.
I'm not saying any of this to ruin your fun. It's clear you're enjoying writing this, and you like getting positive feedback. I understand that you might not want to be the next best-selling author, you might just like writing silly stories, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just want to help you develop your ability to the point that you can write these stories, show them to people, and not be disappointed by their response.
I like to say talent is a reward, not a gift. You have to work a little to get there, but once you have it, you have it and it feels great.

Problem: Currently your character reeks of self-insert and edginess, to an almost masturbatory extent. Other characters shouldn't suddenly change or cease to exist because your new OC shows up.
Solution: If you're going to make a character based on yourself, you need to be fully aware of your biggest flaws and very in touch with your own personality. Even then, it isn't recommended you write yourself into a story because you'll never want to do bad things to yourself. Create a totally new person with flaws, but make sure they aren't too flawed. They're supposed to be a convincing character, if you make them a blind, deaf, paralysed quadriplegic dwarf, that isn't believable or relatable. You might find it easier to base your character on one of your friends, but change them enough that they aren't a clone of Jimmy from math class.

Problem: Stories should be believable, Hanako happening to be on a walk at night, spotting somebody hanging off of the roof, and being able to get to them before they fall, all in a facility that logically should have a curfew for medical reasons, then falling asleep and ending up in the boys' dorms is not believable.
Solution: Pace yourself. Not everything that happens to your character has to be the most interesting thing anyone has ever read. Look at Harry Potter; before he went to Hogwarts he was just a kid living under the stairs, but that mattered. It gave us an idea of who he is, what his life was like before he found out he was a wizard, and how he might react to certain things. He didn't immediately start fighting Voldemort either, we saw some of his classes, his casual interactions with friends, everything that made him human. Don't show us everything, because that gets repetitive and dull, but you need to show more than just the action points to make something interesting.

Problem: Some basic medical research should be done to make sure you understand the logistics of different disabilities. I find it hard to believe that somebody wouldn't have a glass eye in 2007, because an open eye socket is prone to infection and any creams or ointments that could prevent it would cost too much to use instead of a glass filler.
Solution: Do some research. You don't need to understand medical jargon, but you should understand what the symptoms of a condition may be, how to treat those symptoms, and any activities that somebody suffering from the condition may be unable to do. For example, if you lose a hand, you'll experience a phenomenon known as phantom limb pain, which means you feel a sharp pain in the hand you no longer have and have no way to soothe that pain. You'll also be unable to perform certain tasks, like buttoning up a shirt, without experiencing some problems. Disabilities are, as morbid as it sounds, very fascinating things to research.

Problem: Your character doesn't have a Japanese name, but speaks fluent Japanese and is attending a Japanese school for the disabled without any reason for being there other than "I'm disabled and Yamaku."
Solution: Pick a Japanese name. It's a simple solution, but it makes more sense for Kenichi Watanabe from Sendai to attend Yamaku than Michael Fox from Boston. If you want to put more time into designing an interesting character, you'll need to know about Japanese culture. Which is my next point.

Problem: You should probably have a very basic understanding of Japanese school life and culture. Nothing too fancy, just enough that you can create the sense that the story takes place in Japan without saying so directly.
Solution: Do some research. Details like calling friends by their first name, but acquaintances by their surname. Japanese society has a concept called amae, which is fairly complicated so I'll just link this Tofugu article if you want to read it. It's basically about senpai-kouhai relationships, which you may be somewhat familiar with if you watch anime or read manga.

Problem: Not evident yet, but I imagine it would pop up pretty quickly. The sequence of events in Katawa Shoujo.
Solution: You should understand the KS timeline, Hisao's first day at Yamaku is Monday the 4th of June, 2007 and the festival at the end of Act One is on the Sunday of that week. I'll leave it up to you to learn the order of other events from the VN, should you choose to use them.

Problem: Your characters are currently nothing like their canon depictions. There's more to Hanako than scars, burns, and shyness.
Solution: Read Hanako's route again, and take notes on how she reacts to certain things, who her supports are, what her speech patterns are like, etc. You can also read other Hanako fan fiction for this, as there are some fairly accurate depictions of her character on the forums. This applies to every character you plan on using.
Also take note of this image. The characters in class 3-3 (not 3-1) have names and disabilities, and are often used by other writers on the forums, so it's probably best not to make one completely disappear for the purposes of introducing somebody new. Other classes exist, if you don't want to use Hisao, and there are still ways to

Problem: You're currently inexperienced and attempting a route.
Solution: There is no clear solution to this other than to practise with shorter works first. A route is an enormous project, one you aren't ready for yet. I know this because I attempted one as one of my first projects here. I had relative success, finishing my first act and the first chapter of act two before cancelling, but I'm a rare case.
Compare a route to a novel, because they are roughly the same length in most significant cases. You aren't going to try to write a novel before you write a short story, that's a ridiculous concept. Similarly, you won't write a half-hour long symphony before writing a basic chord progression in music. I highly recommend you convert this thread into a one-shot archive, which I'm sure you have seen on these very forums, and practise writing short stories with your favourite characters. This will help you understand the fundamentals of writing, people will give you helpful feedback more often, and you'll start feeling much better about your own work as you develop.

None of this post is intended to discourage you. I was in your situation in 2013 when I started work on my Miki route. I had never written anything longer than 2,500 words and I didn't really have a plan, I just kind of posted and let it grow from there. The forums were more active two years ago, so I got the feedback I needed from multiple people and now I feel pretty comfortable in my writing ability. It's not spectacular, but I like to think I can write a pretty good story these days. I look back at my Miki route and think it was pretty bad, and you'll probably do the same with whatever work you do now, but that's all part of the process. So, please, don't stop writing, it's a beautiful thing to be able to create a story and draw a wide range of emotions from your readers, to build entire universes in your head and get a different perspective on your own life in the process, to inspire people to do something they've never considered doing before, and fan fiction is a great place to get a grasp of how things work. Talent is a reward that everyone can get, and you're one of the lucky ones working for it instead of wishing on a star.
Currently working on: Notes for a new project (Coming Soon™)
I did KS and other songs on note blocks in Minecraft: Playlist here
Old works| Rooftops - An Emi Story| Christmas with the Hakamichis | Not Like Him - Rin Perspective|Blossom - A Miki pseudo-route

Heartbrokenman
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:02 pm

Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by Heartbrokenman » Wed Nov 25, 2015 7:53 pm

Numb wrote:I'm sorry I have to be the one to say this, but this isn't good. That's not to say you can't improve, because you can, just not by doing this. Please don't take this personally, because I know it can be hard dealing with harsh constructive criticism for the first time. I'm going to list your major flaws and offer suggestions to improve them. I am by no means an authoritative figure in any writing community, but I have done my fair share of writing and believe I know enough to offer my input.
I'm not saying any of this to ruin your fun. It's clear you're enjoying writing this, and you like getting positive feedback. I understand that you might not want to be the next best-selling author, you might just like writing silly stories, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just want to help you develop your ability to the point that you can write these stories, show them to people, and not be disappointed by their response.
I like to say talent is a reward, not a gift. You have to work a little to get there, but once you have it, you have it and it feels great.

Problem: Currently your character reeks of self-insert and edginess, to an almost masturbatory extent. Other characters shouldn't suddenly change or cease to exist because your new OC shows up.
Solution: If you're going to make a character based on yourself, you need to be fully aware of your biggest flaws and very in touch with your own personality. Even then, it isn't recommended you write yourself into a story because you'll never want to do bad things to yourself. Create a totally new person with flaws, but make sure they aren't too flawed. They're supposed to be a convincing character, if you make them a blind, deaf, paralysed quadriplegic dwarf, that isn't believable or relatable. You might find it easier to base your character on one of your friends, but change them enough that they aren't a clone of Jimmy from math class.

Problem: Stories should be believable, Hanako happening to be on a walk at night, spotting somebody hanging off of the roof, and being able to get to them before they fall, all in a facility that logically should have a curfew for medical reasons, then falling asleep and ending up in the boys' dorms is not believable.
Solution: Pace yourself. Not everything that happens to your character has to be the most interesting thing anyone has ever read. Look at Harry Potter; before he went to Hogwarts he was just a kid living under the stairs, but that mattered. It gave us an idea of who he is, what his life was like before he found out he was a wizard, and how he might react to certain things. He didn't immediately start fighting Voldemort either, we saw some of his classes, his casual interactions with friends, everything that made him human. Don't show us everything, because that gets repetitive and dull, but you need to show more than just the action points to make something interesting.

Problem: Some basic medical research should be done to make sure you understand the logistics of different disabilities. I find it hard to believe that somebody wouldn't have a glass eye in 2007, because an open eye socket is prone to infection and any creams or ointments that could prevent it would cost too much to use instead of a glass filler.
Solution: Do some research. You don't need to understand medical jargon, but you should understand what the symptoms of a condition may be, how to treat those symptoms, and any activities that somebody suffering from the condition may be unable to do. For example, if you lose a hand, you'll experience a phenomenon known as phantom limb pain, which means you feel a sharp pain in the hand you no longer have and have no way to soothe that pain. You'll also be unable to perform certain tasks, like buttoning up a shirt, without experiencing some problems. Disabilities are, as morbid as it sounds, very fascinating things to research.

Problem: Your character doesn't have a Japanese name, but speaks fluent Japanese and is attending a Japanese school for the disabled without any reason for being there other than "I'm disabled and Yamaku."
Solution: Pick a Japanese name. It's a simple solution, but it makes more sense for Kenichi Watanabe from Sendai to attend Yamaku than Michael Fox from Boston. If you want to put more time into designing an interesting character, you'll need to know about Japanese culture. Which is my next point.

Problem: You should probably have a very basic understanding of Japanese school life and culture. Nothing too fancy, just enough that you can create the sense that the story takes place in Japan without saying so directly.
Solution: Do some research. Details like calling friends by their first name, but acquaintances by their surname. Japanese society has a concept called amae, which is fairly complicated so I'll just link this Tofugu article if you want to read it. It's basically about senpai-kouhai relationships, which you may be somewhat familiar with if you watch anime or read manga.

Problem: Not evident yet, but I imagine it would pop up pretty quickly. The sequence of events in Katawa Shoujo.
Solution: You should understand the KS timeline, Hisao's first day at Yamaku is Monday the 4th of June, 2007 and the festival at the end of Act One is on the Sunday of that week. I'll leave it up to you to learn the order of other events from the VN, should you choose to use them.

Problem: Your characters are currently nothing like their canon depictions. There's more to Hanako than scars, burns, and shyness.
Solution: Read Hanako's route again, and take notes on how she reacts to certain things, who her supports are, what her speech patterns are like, etc. You can also read other Hanako fan fiction for this, as there are some fairly accurate depictions of her character on the forums. This applies to every character you plan on using.
Also take note of this image. The characters in class 3-3 (not 3-1) have names and disabilities, and are often used by other writers on the forums, so it's probably best not to make one completely disappear for the purposes of introducing somebody new. Other classes exist, if you don't want to use Hisao, and there are still ways to

Problem: You're currently inexperienced and attempting a route.
Solution: There is no clear solution to this other than to practise with shorter works first. A route is an enormous project, one you aren't ready for yet. I know this because I attempted one as one of my first projects here. I had relative success, finishing my first act and the first chapter of act two before cancelling, but I'm a rare case.
Compare a route to a novel, because they are roughly the same length in most significant cases. You aren't going to try to write a novel before you write a short story, that's a ridiculous concept. Similarly, you won't write a half-hour long symphony before writing a basic chord progression in music. I highly recommend you convert this thread into a one-shot archive, which I'm sure you have seen on these very forums, and practise writing short stories with your favourite characters. This will help you understand the fundamentals of writing, people will give you helpful feedback more often, and you'll start feeling much better about your own work as you develop.

None of this post is intended to discourage you. I was in your situation in 2013 when I started work on my Miki route. I had never written anything longer than 2,500 words and I didn't really have a plan, I just kind of posted and let it grow from there. The forums were more active two years ago, so I got the feedback I needed from multiple people and now I feel pretty comfortable in my writing ability. It's not spectacular, but I like to think I can write a pretty good story these days. I look back at my Miki route and think it was pretty bad, and you'll probably do the same with whatever work you do now, but that's all part of the process. So, please, don't stop writing, it's a beautiful thing to be able to create a story and draw a wide range of emotions from your readers, to build entire universes in your head and get a different perspective on your own life in the process, to inspire people to do something they've never considered doing before, and fan fiction is a great place to get a grasp of how things work. Talent is a reward that everyone can get, and you're one of the lucky ones working for it instead of wishing on a star.

Thank you.
Your true comment has helped me realize my failed attempt at a fanfiction.
I'm not looking for sympathy or any kind of back lash but i've decided to shut down this fanfiction. Not because I'm quitting but because i want to learn from my mistakes I will currently be undergoing various research to make a believable character. Give me time and I will be back with a brand new fanfiction.
Thank you especially numb honestly I appreciate it

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Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5979
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Nov 25, 2015 7:56 pm

Odd grammar has already been commented upon, so I'll keep this to some logic issues:
“N-N-Nakai?” He says trying he’s best to say the certain name.
Yeah, Mutou is sometims a bit confused, but he is expecting two students one of which is only half-Japanese, so it's unlikely even he would confuse them.
“So you must be Ikewaza right?” ...
“N-Nice t-to me-eet you.” ...
“Likewise, but please call me Woods for short.” I’ve always preferred my last name to my first, makes me seem more cool then I act anyway.
“C-Call m-me Ha-ana-ak-ko.”
So he's calling her by her last name. Then he's telling her to call him by his last name (which she'd probably have done anyway)...
And then Hanako offers to call her by her first name?
Why would she do that?
I’m on the school roof. Thank god I left my clothes on.
That is another building and should be locked at night, and he didn't even know how to get there at all, so how did he get there sleepwalking?
I take her back to my room and much to my luck not run into any staff roaming around the area. This would be a hard one to explain. “Hi she saved me from sleep suicide and then fell asleep so I’m taking her to my room.” Not the best idea.
Indeed. Surefire way to get expelled from the school for attempted date-rape after just one day.
I turn with exceptional speed to see Hisao on the floor eyes closed, with a small pink haired girl with metal legs on top. She hops of him rubbing her head.
What's Emi doing running around in the boys' dorms at that time in the morning?

There are some time skips that are not really apparent - in fact that could be why the last thing I mentioned seems so strange. It seems to happen in the corridor outside Hisao's room.

Finally, I've never seen a girl fall for a boy so fast outside of a James Bond movie, and Bond never had to seduce a girl as shy as Hanako...
The only one who managed to seduce a girl as shy as that even faster was Jaws in Moonraker. Still not outside a Bond movie, though. :lol:

Edit:
I also second most of what Numb said in his post, but I've certainly seen much worse stories here, so like Numb said, keep working at it and you'll manage.

Edit 2:
Accepting feedback and being willing to act upon it is more than half the way towards improving yourself. I'm looking forward to your future projects!
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Sharp-O
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Re: NEW HANAKO ROUTE KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE OC CHARACTER

Post by Sharp-O » Thu Nov 26, 2015 7:13 pm

Sammy is an interesting character but he does reek of Marty Stu but each subsequent chapter has shown some improvement, which is fantastic. The format is an odd one and while I'm not personally a fan of it, I'm not going to urge you to stop it. You do you. But I do agree that your grammar could use a lot of work and is probably your weak point. There's some great proof-readers on here and something I learned is that the folks here are more than willing to give out tips or help in general.

Apart from that, not bad. Some funny lines here and there and I'm interested to see you improve, Heart. Keep it up.

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