Index'All that I have, the good with the bad
Slips with the sand I hold in my hand
By the time it gets away from me
Still it’s got its hold on me
Still it’s got its hold on me' - "All that I have", by Windmills
- Introduction: this post
Chapter 1: this post
Chapter 2: Here
Riight, here we are! So, first and foremost thanks for opening this thread that will contain my first long(ish? It won't be super long aka Developments, but it won't be too short) fan-fiction. As you will see, this is not an original idea and I know many people used this many times, but to be honest I wanted to give it a shot myself! As some of you may know, I don't consider myself a good writer, so let me know what you think, what you would edit and that sort of thing. The chapters won't come by at a fast pace and not even at a super regular one, but I will try to keep it going because I have some nice ideas in mind! It might suck, it might be good, but for now I'll just keep going. In the end I hope I'll learn something good from this experience!
Last but not least, a huge thanks to the guys over at the KS Writing Group (OneManArmy77, PaperAirships, TheDwarfLard and Xilirite) for helping me and in general making this project less painful for me, and for you when it comes to the reading part!
With that being said, let's get started!
After a rough sleep, I wake up with a headache. The events of three days ago were repeated over and over again in my mind, while the pain continues to be just the same, as if I was in constant suffering to this day.
I promised myself to be strong, to not let myself be defeated by this memory, yet a part of me still can't help but to suffer at the images of that harrowing day. I tried to be the white knight of the situation, convincing myself that she needed my aid, only to realize that I was the one in need of help. I went from being locked up on my own prison, only to almost become the jailor of Hanako's life, denying her of becoming a better person.
That expression filled with anger and frustration, only to be replaced with pain and regret, still haunts me. Yesterday, when I had the chance to get a glance at her during class, I immediately got a flashback of those events, that of course filled with rage. Not at her, but at myself and my own idiocy.
Whatever, rethinking about this surely won't help. Today's a new day, so maybe there's the chance that I can have a good time. I could always start running in the morning, surely Emi won't mind... right? After all, she doesn't seem the type that would hold a grudge against me.
I mean, it's not like I have much to lose, since at the moment I don't have any shoulder to cry on to. Yeah, maybe I'll do that.
For now, thought, I have to get ready for school; I can't let this influence my future studies, I wouldn't forgive myself for doing this.
I hate this. Why do I have to be so impulsive sometimes?
Maybe I deserve this. I mean, after what happened on my b... bir... Yeah, I can't even think of the word without feeling the pain associated with it. First my home and my parents and now, after ten years, I lost the person that could've been ... I guess the love of my life?
The darkness of my room surrounds me, at my side only my beloved penguin plushy. My eyes can't even look at the table, since it pains me too much to get a single look at the dolls or at the ches... Here we go, another word that makes a nod at my stomach. Of course, the moment I remember what happened to it and its story, tears start to roll down my cheeks. Hoping that I would be strong enough to hold them back was too good to be true.
Thanks to the chirping of the birds I know that is morning. A part of me hopes that today will be a better day, but I'm honest enough with myself to realize that this is just wishful thinking.
Yesterday, somehow, I managed to leave my room and attend classes, but immediately before lunch I went to my room. I couldn't bear the pain of him possibly looking at me in the eyes or, even worse, speaking to me. No, I can't go to school in this state... I don't have strength to do so.
This can't be caused because I miss him, right? Because I don't need him... I think.
No, wait, get a hold of yourself Hanako! Of course you don't need him, nor do you need his forgiveness after what he did to you!
But... I can't shake off this feeling that I get whenever I remember him. Maybe my love for him was more than the typical 'high school' romance. After what we've been through, can I say that he's the right one? I don't know...
Still, that's no excuse to be spineless and to go back to him, crying and on my knees! I might not be strong like Lilly, but I know that his presence would just make things worse. Something needs to change, I need to become... better? Maybe that's it, am I not good enough and maybe that's why he was trying to protect me? Was he making me bet-nonsense, Hanako! He was just being an idiot, you need to get your priorities straight: it's first you, then him, get this in your head!
Why am I so self-doubting? Why can't I be better, and not... myself?! This... This pisses me off so much!
With my sobbing being the only sound in my room, my cheeks being red because of the bitter tears that are covering them and the chaos that is storming in my mind, I surrender myself to the embrace of Morpheus. My eyes close and I slowly drift away, hoping that the nightmares won't follow me in my sleep.
I reach my classroom a bit earlier than usual, maybe a sign that perhaps, today won't be so bad after all. I look around, but notice only Suzu, Lezard and Molly; seems like people are really taking their sweet time to come to class, but I can't blame them. After all, the main reason why I decided to come early here, was so that I would avoid any bad surprises. Here, at least, I can already focus on revising the past lessons.
Just as I start reading through yesterday's history class, the doors swings wide open and a pink rhino enters the class, followed by the ever-so-present Class Rep. Her eyes wonder around the room, only to stop when they notice me and walk in my direction. I try to avoid looking at her, hoping that maybe she'll get bored and go back to her own business, but I clearly know that's not happening.
"Good morning, Hicchan! Shicchan wanted to know if you're free once classes are over, since we're in need of some powerful male muscles! Wahahahaha~!"
She stares at me with a wide grin, which soon shifts in an expression of confusion. It's weird that her bubbly personality was interrupted so suddenly.
"Hicchan, are you ok?" , she doesn't seem to be mocking me, it's almost as if the girl in front of mine wasn't the loud, bubbly Misha, but someone else. This last just a moment, though, since as I answer her, she immediately cheers up.
"I'm ok, don't worry about it," I say with a monotone voice, which is picked up by the duo in front of me, that doesn't seem to be buying it.
"Oh and, I have some free time, so I guess I can help you out," this time they are really weirded out.
"No Hicchan, you won't peel us off by acting all tough and stuff! Shicchan says that as Class Rep and president of the Student Council, it is in my duty to help a fellow classmate that is clearly in need."
I know that I should be happy, but at the moment I feel so apathetic that their good will is bouncing off me. I want to answer, but just as I open my mouth Mutou shows up. With one last glance at them, I try to give them a look that says 'there's no need to', but all I get in return is two expressions filled with determination.
Why are they even doing it? It's not like I spent so much time with them that I can consider them my friends of anything. Plus, I pushed them off at every moment when they tried to bring me in the Student Council. I don't get it... perhaps, I don't need to.
Girls are complicated.
After the encounter I had this morning, the rest of the day is pretty mundane. Since the day of Hanako's birthday, I use to eat alone in the cafeteria, sometimes interrupted by a 'Yo!' of Miki, then go back to class and in general be quiet and follow the lessons.
A part of me is glad that I got the offer from Misha and Shizune, though I still don't know if I should join them. Regardless if they got it or not, the only reason why I might go there is so that I wouldn't have to talk with Kenji in order to spend my free time. It's not that I hate him, but I the idea of spending some time with him gives me a bad feeling.
Anyway, as soon as the final class ends, I make my way out of the classroom with the mass of students. The path to the Student Council's room is pretty uneventful and soon enough I'm right in front of it. I could still go away and save myself from hours of hard work, but I know that would be a mistake. With determination, which gives me the strength to continue, I open the door and find myself in front of the two girls. At first they seem to not notice me, apparently too busy arguing about something, but as soon as I step foot inside they turn their attention to me.
"Hicchan! I'm surprised that you actually came here! Wahahaha!~"
"Yeah, not like I had much choice anyway," I answer blandly. They seem unfazed by my tone of voice, so I make my way to them, where a pile of papers is already prepared. Noticing that I'm staring at it, Misha chuckles and speaks up.
"Yes Hicchan, that's what you'll have to do! Nothing too hard, just checking that the papers are in order and marking them with the school's official symbol. Easy, right? Wahaha!~"
I'm definitely not looking forward to this, but I know that the other option I have is even worse. Taking the pile of papers to a nearby table, I start making my way through them. After a couple of them, the procedure becomes mechanical to me, at times even satisfying. Knowing that I'm doing something useful for the school in such an easy, yet efficient, way somehow keeps me awake and stop from whining at the duo, which seems to have another task at their hands.
After an hour or so, while I'm already done with half of the pile, they are done and are about to leave the classroom. I'm ready to say goodbye to them, but I'm left a bit surprised when I see that only Shizune leaves the class, leaving me alone with Misha. My expression is easily noticed by her, so she takes a seat opposite to me, giving me a big grin and making herself comfortable. Something tells me that she's not leaving anytime soon.
"Don't worry, Hicchan, I'll help you... but only because I need your attention for now."
I assume a puzzled expression, taking me a few moments to realize what she's talking about, but before I can speak up, she interrupts me.
"I know that we haven't talk, or even hang out, much, but as a part of the student cou-", as she says the sentence, she bursts out in laughter. When she comes back to her senses, she loses her grin and assumes a more neutral expression.
"Seriously though, you might not see me as a friend, but I do see you as one. These days you've looked like a mess, so please... tell me what caused this, please?"
Her attention makes me happy, but I don't know if I can tell her everything that happened. After what Hanako told me and after I got the time to think about it, I don't know if I'll have another opportunity with her, let alone get a chance to change the way I am.
Misha sounded sincere, but I still can't find the determination to speak up about it. I feel my energies missing all of a sudden, causing my face to fall just as my previous determination is nowhere to be found.
"Thanks for the help, but trust me, I'm fine," I say, not even believing it myself, talking mostly to maybe stop Misha in her futile attempt. I wait, but I don't hear the chair moving. My curiosity sets in and I look up, only to find the pink-haired girl with an expression filled with determination, and maybe a bit of anger, too.
"Hisao," she says, making my eyes widen. She never uses my real name, which can only mean that I underestimated how much she is willing to help me. "First of all, you are a terrible liar. Second, you suck at hiding your emotions. Third, when I set my mind on something, believe me that I don't give up so easily! I might not be the smartest girl in the class, I know, but when it comes to reaching my goals, I don't give up! So, again, tell me what made you become like a zombie, please?"
After hearing what she had to say, I can only sigh. If at first I was unsure whether to believe her or not, now I can be sure that I can. Now though, would it be nice from me to go ahead and tell her everything that happened? I mean, god knows if she will just go ahead and tell it to Shizune, or someone else.
"Look... Promise me that you won't just go ahead and tell this to everyone. What I'm about to tell you is very personal, and I repeat very."
"Hicchan, who do you think I am?"
I just give her a flat expression, which makes her laugh.
"Ok, ok, ok! I mean, I was going to keep this to myself in the first place, but if you want my word that I'll do this, then fine. I promise that I'll tell this to no one."
My old self wants to retreat from continuing, but to be honest my old self also put me in this mess, so it's only natural that I should open up to the girl in front of me. Her face looks happy, yet patient, which is weird given how she normally acts during class. After a deep breath, I tell her everything that happened. The birthday, the call with Lilly, my ignorance and the following outburst of Hanako. Nothing gets untold because, to be honest, deep inside I know I need help, regardless of how much I try to hide it.
After I'm done narrating my unfortunate story, the room gets quiet. Misha begins thinking and analyzing what to say about what she just heard, while I'm busy in trying to tranquilizing myself, trying not to doubt Misha's words.
A minute of two passes by. My anxiousness could burst out any second now, while Misha looks like she's not completely honest in what to say. At first I think of leaving, but the pink-haired girl stops me by speaking up.
"Hicchan, I know that I don't know Hanako very well... but what got into you?! Look, I'll put the scolding aside and get straight to the point."
She takes a second to formulate the sentences, letting her eyes wander around the room in the meantime.
"Everyone deserves a second chance, and you are no exception! You are a stubborn, dense and sometimes irrational guy, but you have a heart of gold inside, and I bet even Hanako knows that! The problem is that one single 'I'm sorry' won't be enough, you know that, right?"
I simply nod with my head, my mind too busy analyzing every singles word that comes out of her mouth to let mine speak.
"I don't know what she is doing right now, but as you told me she doesn't seem to despise you. You might not have noticed it, but you are the closest person she has, together with Lilly... plus she was madly in love with you, so there's no way this event erases this, " she says while repositioning the hair on her back. "You need to man up, stop being so self-doubting and ask to yourself: are you strong enough to deal with the consequences that your mistake caused? A girl doesn't like a sissy for a boyfriend, and that goes also for Hanako! Can you go back to her, look her in the eyes, tell that you're sorry and that you will change and, most importantly, keep your word?"
She looks at me with another determined expression, which causes my mind to think even more about this. Noticing the sudden change in my face, Misha is sure that she hit the mark.
"If you know the answer to that question, Hicchan, then I bet you know the rest!"
With a grin on her face, she stops and leaves me some space to answer, if I ever wish to.
"... Thanks, I needed that," I say with a smile on my face. Misha does the same, with the addition that she also hugs me over the table, which surprises me. I don't know how to react, so I limit myself to put a hand on her back and keep my mouth shut.
When we interrupt this, she's the one that speaks up first.
"Don't worry about it, that's what friends to, right?"
With that being said, we go back to work with a renowned confidence and vigor. Even when we're done and we bid farewell to each other and as I go back to my dorm, I can't help but put on a confident smile on my face.
As I plop down on my bed, the discussion comes back to my mind. Misha's words echo inside my head, causing me to think about them even further. Maybe everything is not over... maybe I do have a chance to fix things and this time, I'm sure that I'm not alone in this quest.