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Swim Story [OC] - Chapter 11: Wake Up (24/07/2018)

Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 4:33 pm
by Hesmiyu
This is my first fan fic (I'm not counting that thing of an attempt 'The Human Cyborg'.) I have my own personal target of 2k words per chapter. 2k words per chapter seemingly appears to be easier to attain that I first anticipated. I know that is minuscule compared to the length of some chapters I've read on here. I used an OC character purely so it would be easier for me to write certain possible quirks while still remaining as true to the game's character's characterises as I can (not sure how accurate I truly am however). I hope you like it and I am actually able to complete this one.

This has been re-ordered as the Prologue got shortened so some comments may not match the chapter they're near.

Cast: (Updated as drawn)

Here are the contents that fit into my Swim Story world.

Act 0: Prologue Act 1: Swim Partners Act 2
Chapter Word Count:3,592
I wrote this chapter even without full notes of the full story because I wanted to get this out before my birthday (12th August). I ended up writing this within a few hours of constant work. After, I did do a quick proof-read of the chapter but I have a feeling I may have missed some stuff. This chapter is written from the first person perspective of Ryuunosuke Shibanuma. The original 3 chapter prologue has been rewritten and condensed into one chapter of a higher quality 11 months after it first being written.

Chapter 1: Prologue

Opening my eyes I see a bright blurry ceiling. Even with my blurry vision I can tell it is a different colour from my room, the one in my room being beige compared to this white one. Where am I and why am I on someone else’s bed? My eyes slowly adjust to the light levels, and I take a quick look around - only to quickly realise that I am in a hospital room. What happened? I try to think back to what happened. I remember Miyu - one of my friends - shouting something, and it distracted me, and I remember turning my head to look at her, only just noticing how beautiful she is. If I remember right, I think she shouted a confession. I feel my mouth twisting into a smile as I think of it. Did I think that I might be ready for a relationship again? I think I did. I can’t remember anything else apart from that…

As my mind goes silent, I am drawn by a beeping sound coming from my right. Turning my head, I notice the sound is coming from a heart-rate monitor which I then notice has wires leading to me. I start to feel some discomfort in my arm, and I notice a tube going into it. I follow the tube and see it is connected to some sort of drip. From my experience watching those subbed western medical shows, it looks like a saline drip. If it is then it would be a bad idea to pull it out, not to mention painful. Something serious definitely happened to me then, but what? I scan the rest of the room, and my eyes fall on a person sleeping in a chair - my father. I wonder how long he’s been there. The way he’s sitting looks quite uncomfortable. I realise my throat is dry, so I look around to see if there is a water source in this room. I soon spot a full glass of water on a bedside cabinet. Reaching for it, I try to grasp it, but my hand only meets the air, confusing me. I feel like something may have gotten stuck to my face while I was asleep. I go to peel it off and notice it isn’t something similar to a piece of paper like I was expecting - It feels like a bandage. I trace where it goes and find it is covering my left eye. As I pass across my eye, I accidentally press down and receive a subdued, but shooting pain through my head causing me to breathe in sharply. I remove my hand quickly and the pain gradually subsides.

A cough rings out from my left causing me to look in that direction. I see my father is now awake. I watch as he slowly stands up and stretches. As he bends his back backwards, it clicks and cracks multiple times. He straightens it and comments “God, they need comfier chairs.” He then looks over to my direction and sees I’m awake. “Ahh good, you are awake again.” I give him a slightly confused look. “You woke up for a few minutes yesterday before going back to sleep. Now, I have already dealt with Hakamichi, but tell me why you and he decided to use sharpened katanas!” A displeased look crosses his face, and my vision is interrupted by a flash of sharpened silver followed by red before returning to normal.

I try to remember why we decided to do that, but I can’t. I tell my father this, and he still doesn’t look happy. He then looks me over before determining that I’m good, at least that’s what I’m assuming he’s doing. After doing so, he proceeds to lecture me on how stupid I was for using a sharpened katana; not only because of the dangers, but because of the damage it does to them too. After his lecture, he tells me that because of mine and Jigoro’s stupidity, I have lost the sight in my left eye which explains the bandage thing on my eye. My father then looks at his watch and tells me that he is late for an assignment of his. I wish I knew what these assignments are, he never tells me what they are and always dodges any questions I have about them. He bids me goodbye and starts walking. As he reaches the door he turns to me once more. “I should return within a few days. I will make sure you have some books to read too next time I’m here,” Before I say anything, he walks out the door.


Several days pass by since my father visited me. He has been my only visitor, however I’m not surprised as I am quite far from my hometown, and most of my friends don’t have the means to get here. As my father hasn’t returned yet, I have been bored and resorted to watching the TV in my room. This program I’m currently watching is some weird game show where the contestants have to eat an everyday object to see if it is a sweet or not. The current contestant has to eat what looks like a shoe and as he bites into it, a relieved expression crosses his face. I assume it was some kind of sweet.

I start wondering about what my doctor told me when he came in after my father had left. He wore glasses and was holding a clipboard in one hand. He told me his name was Ichimonji, and after doing some cursory checks, he explained some more of what happened, including that my left eye was permanently damaged by a sharp object and that the object also sliced the tear ducts leaving me with a condition called Haemolacria and that I would have a scar going across that side of my face and eye. I wonder what blood randomly trickling down from my eye will feel like, possibly like normal tears I would assume. I’m assuming the culprit was Jigoro’s katana.

Ichimonji went on to explain I was connected to a drip was because while they were trying to repair my eye the best they could, there were apparently some complications, which they thankfully corrected.

A few days after my father had left; the bandage around my head and eye was removed. The fresh-ish air feels nice and relaxing on the newly bare skin.

I hear a knock on my door quickly followed by a gruff voice saying “Calm down already, you are causing a scene out here, and he may well be asleep.”

The muffling of the door makes it hard to know what the other person speaking to my father says, but I can tell it is a female voice. The door opens revealing my father, leaning to one side due to a bag he is holding. The bag itself looks like it is straining under an immense weight. How many books did he bring? I shift my eyesight back to his profile, and I see someone behind him with long pinkish-purple hair, constantly shifting side to side trying to find a gap past my father. With how short the person looks, I have a strong suspicion of who she is.

“Good, you are awake again. I hope you are feeling well and are ready for some hyperactive company,” my father says, upon seeing me. He barely takes two steps forwards before the person behind him squeezes through the gap he’s made and coming running to me. There is one person this could be: my best friend, Hitomi. I am about to greet her, but my vision is blocked by her long hair as she reaches me and hugs me tightly, almost catching the tube going into my arm. She may be small, but she can clearly run across a hospital room in no time at all.

As her hair rests on my face, I find a bit of it go into my mouth. As I try remove the hair, Hitomi squeals “Oh Ryuunosuke! I was so worried when your dad told me you were in a hospital. Why did you have to get injured so far from home? If you were closer I would have been able to visit you daily. I am so glad you are okay. Well, except for your eye, but that’s why I’ll be your extra eye.”

After fully grasping what’s happening, especially after Hitomi’s barrage of words, I let out a small laugh and reciprocate her hug. “Calm down Hitomi, I am still alive, so you don’t need to hug me so tightly.”

“Yes I do!”

I hear a deep chuckle from behind Hitomi. “Come now, Honma, give the boy some breathing room.”

“I don’t want to,” she cries out.

“You want to suffocate me?” I ask her jokingly while I pry her off me. She reluctantly lets go. I see she is pouting. She then punches my left arm. Thankfully it isn’t the one with the tube going into it. I look at the girl in front of me and see she has decided to wear her usual blue top, which is her favourite colour.

“You are really stupid, you know that right?” I look to my father who has made his way across the room and makes a gesture indicating I’m on my own here. Thanks father. “Your dad told me what you and Hakamichi did during your demonstration. I would have shouted at Hakamichi too, but, well, he’s too scary…”

I can’t help but let out a laugh at the image of this one and a half meter girl shouting at someone like Jigoro. The laugh earns me another punch and a hurt look from her.

“Ow!” I call out. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop myself,” She glares at me which has no effect. Neither does the annoyed sound she makes. Still glaring, she takes a seat on my bed as I sit myself up straighter.

“Ryuunosuke,” my father calls me, and I look to him. “Jirou and Tamiko offer their apologies for not being able to come here. Tamiko is somewhere in Egypt, and Jirou has a fast approaching deadline. Mizuki couldn’t get time off work.”

“Shame, I wanted to see them,” I say.

“Another time perhaps.”

I look back at Hitomi and notice she is staring at something. I follow her line of sight and see she is looking at the pipe going into my arm, “What is that?” she asks.

“This? Oh, it’s keeping me alive.” Her eyes widen at my joke. “I’m joking, it has some use, but I’ve forgotten what the doctor told me it was for.”

Hitomi narrows her eyes “Don’t do that to me,” she then tries to hit my legs, which are under the covers, but misses.

“Why? It’s as if you like me or something,” I say with a knowing smile. My comment makes her blush a deep red. The bag my father brought me catches my eye reminding me that he brought it. “Say, Hitomi, could you pass me that bag please? I want to see which books are in it.”

My father, who has been sitting a bit away, watching, smiles and makes an approving sound. I assume it is because I can tell what’s in the bag without looking in it although it isn’t that hard to guess. Sometimes it is a shame that my father doesn’t seem to be much of a talker – the complete opposite of Hitomi here.

Hitomi goes to the bag and lifts the straps; she tries to pick it up but ends up nearly losing her balance. I smile but stop when she gives me her death glare. She takes the sensible option and opens the bag where it is. She takes the first few books out, and I notice one of the things isn’t thick enough to be one of my books. I try to grab it but it is just out of my reach. Hitomi notices and passes it to me while smiling. I look at it and see it is a brochure for a school called Yamaku. I believe that’s the school my uncle and his wife went to. Judging by Hitomi nonchalantly passing and seeing it, she knows something, right?


Sitting in the living room of our house, I stare into the fireplace watching the licks of flames twist and intersect each other. Even though this is the fireplace that scarred my chest fourteen years ago, the flames seem to calm my nerves. My nerves are slightly frayed as this is the last day I’ll be in this house. Tomorrow I’ll be starting at Yamaku Academy. I look away from the fire to grab the glass of water on the table In front of me, and I catch sight of my father beside me reading one of my uncle’s books. I reach for the glass but instead of my hand grabbing it like I intended, my hand ends up knocking it over. I curse audibly.

I hear a slight chuckle form next to me. I look over to see my father is no longer reading his book and is holding out a roll of tissue for me. I take it and start drying up my mess. “The way you act reminds me a lot of how your mother was during school,” my father says.

I would ask him more about my mother, but every time I do, he changes the subject. I notice he is rubbing the knuckles on one of his hands where it is quite reddened and says “Who knew Hakamichi’s jaw was so strong...”

He changed the subject like he always does. I let out a chuckle and my father’s gaze goes from his hand to me “Are you sure you are ready to start at Yamaku tomorrow? As I said after you read the brochure, it will be quite different from your current school.”

“Yes, I am sure. It will feel odd, since I’ll be living on the campus, but I feel I will be able to adjust to it,” I say. At least I hope so...

I turn my head back to the fire, and the sound of a book page being turned signals that my father has gone back to his book. As I stare into the chaotic flames, I notice that they start to merge in a way that resembles two humanoid figures fighting one another and a third figure moving away. I blink a few times, and the shapes I saw disappear as if they had never been there.


I suddenly wake up, and after a few seconds I notice I’m drenched in sweat. My room doesn’t feel that hot or humid, so that can’t be the cause. I try to figure out what other causes it could be, and as I do so I notice the morning sun creeping into my room. Judging by how low the sun is, it is still very early. I suddenly remember what woke me up and what most likely is the cause of me sweating - a nightmare. I haven’t had a nightmare for close to two years. My nightmare was the same as the ones I used to get – ones consisting of my ex-girlfriend, Shiori, covered in blood and then being replaced by what looks like a grim reaper figure holding a scythe.

This nightmare actually had an extra part in it. The extra part had the grim reaper saying his usual bit about how I failed Shiori in her moment of need but then followed by him letting out an unearthly laugh before telling me he has come back thanks to my near-death. The image of him laughing is now stuck in my head. I get out of my bed and get dressed before walking to my window before looking out and getting slightly blinded by the rising sun. I shake my head to try get rid of the grim reaper’s visage and stare outside. I remember today is the day that I will be moving to Yamaku Academy; the school for the disabled. It will be hard to leave what few friends I have here, namely my best friend Hitomi. I chuckle as I remember her pleading to her mother to let her skip school to come with my father and me to my new school. It is a shame she said no.

I stare out of the window for I don’t know how long until I am interrupted when I hear a knock on my door. I know precisely who that knocking sound belongs to - Hitomi.

“I’m asleep,” I call out in a monotone voice.

She opens the door and says “Oh a sleepwalker. Let me fix that.” Oh no, what is she going to do?

I turn my head to the right slightly so I can see her out the corner of my eye. I see her approaching me a bit faster than walking pace. I put my right hand up in her direction and she walks right into it. I hear a muffled yelp as I feel her face hits my palm. I turn, and she forces my hand down, causing a small amount of pain which I purposefully don’t show. I turn my body to face her, and she scowls at me while rubbing her nose. “Why did you do that?”

“Because you would have done something to me,” I reply. As I do, Hitomi’s expression turns sad.

“Of course I want to, after today I won’t be able to do much, unless-“

“Unless you visit me at Yamaku, right?” I say, finishing off her sentence, to her surprise. “You know you can visit me at any time. Although because of how far it is, you’d probably need to ask my father or your mother to allow you to.”

“My mum would definitely let me, not sure about your dad though. In any case I will miss you.”

“Now you’re making it sound like I’m going to my death. I’ve had enough with death and coming close to it,” I say in a playful tone. I’m not going to tell her about the grim reaper returning to my dreams as it will only worry my best friend again.

My reward for my jest is a punch to my stomach, keeling me over. Hitomi may be small, but she can pack a punch when she wants to. “Don’t say that!” she says, her voice raised a bit. I touched a very sore nerve.

“S-Sorry,” I splutter, rubbing my stomach where she punched me. “We’ve both lost ones we cared about. Me, Shiori and you, your sister. Pleasedon’thitme.”

Hitomi raises her fist again and says “Don’t tempt me,” complete with an attempt to look angry.

“You know you are too cute and small to look convincingly angry, right?” My rhetorical question causes her to drop both her arms while blushing. “It is good I know how to easily stop you, too. I don’t want to end up like Hiroto did after you finished with him.”

Hitomi looks down and walks towards me. She leans her head on my chest and says “He deserved it. Seriously though, if anyone tries to bully you again, like at school, tell me and I’ll make them pay.” I can’t help but let out a chuckles and Hitomi buries her head into my chest more.

“Of course, after all you’re my third, well second eye now, always looking out for me.” I chuckle as I put my hands on top her hand. She immediately swats them off.

Hitomi acts a lot like a protective sister, younger because she is a year younger than me. Her mother came to work at this house as a housemaid just after I obtained several scars on my chest, from the fireplace.

I come back to the present world and notice that Hitomi is now looking up at me with her head cocked. “Do I have something on my face?” I ask her, nonchalantly.

“No, you just looked melancholic.”

“Ha.” I let slip a laugh. “Today is a big change in my life. I just hope this change is for the better.”

“It will be,” she says in a serious tone, complete with a serious face.

“Ahh, there you are Hitomi. I’d thought you had gotten lost on your way to wake Ryuunosuke up, instead it turns out you’re flirting,” a cheerful voice says from the door. I look up and Hitomi spins around, flushed.

“Mum! I-I wasn’t flirting!” I chuckle at Hitomi being flustered as she starts walking to her mother.

“Sure, sure. Ryuunosuke, Ryouichi called saying he is running slightly late. Hitomi was meant to tell you but she clearly got distracted.” I’m not sure if her mother is chiding or teasing her.

I put my hand on top of Hitomi’s head and say “Thank you. If he’s running late then what’s for breakfast?”

Hitomi’s mother warmly smiles. She is a lot like Hitomi herself, except taller and not as hyper. “I’ve cooked your favourite, Ryuunosuke.”

Upon hearing that, Hitomi stops walking as she breathes in sharply and lets her arms hang loose. A second passes before I remember she can’t stand spicy foods, especially Mapo Doufu. Having Mapo Doufu as breakfast is quite odd but I like it. My father however, doesn’t like that idea, so I can only have it that early when he’s away.

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Re: Swim Story [OC]

Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 5:11 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Let me get this straight.
They are students fighting with real katana?
In front of a crowd?
And they are doing strikes to the head?
What is this? The hunger games?

Apart from this slightly hard to swallow scenario the writing is okay.
You could use sentences that are a bit less run-on - that sentence in the first paragraph that starts with "While the sensei" either has a word too much or it is missing several.

Looking forward to further installments anyway :-)

Re: Swim Story [OC]

Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 5:36 pm
by Hesmiyu
Mirage_GSM wrote:Let me get this straight.
They are students fighting with real katana?
In front of a crowd?
And they are doing strikes to the head?
What is this? The hunger games?

Apart from this slightly hard to swallow scenario the writing is okay.
You could use sentences that are a bit less run-on - that sentence in the first paragraph that starts with "While the sensei" either has a word too much or it is missing several.

Looking forward to further installments anyway :-)
Truthfully I an not 100% sure how demonstrations are set up in Japan so I partly basing it on demonstration I've participated in. In those there is an area cordoned off specifically for those doing the demonstration.
Ryuunosuke is the student, the opponent isn't. Also In case you're wondering. In several reference videos I noticed real looking (I think they were real) were used but the attacker pulled back. The opponent can be over-exuberant as mentioned :).

No idea when next chapter will be as still writing notes for the plans.

I am wondering if anyone may be able to figure who the opponent is

Re: Swim Story [OC]

Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 5:54 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Ryuunosuke is the student, the opponent isn't.
I don't know which is worse. Having two students hacking at each other with real swords or a teacher striking at a student's head with no backup plan in case the student doesn't manage to block.
It's basically the first thing that get's pounded into you whenever you do any martial art whatsoever: Don't strike at your opponent's head.
Also even if they are using steel swords, there is absolutely no need to use sharp ones. Besides being extraordinarily reckless, it would probably be impractical as well as they'd be ruined after about two sessions.

Re: Swim Story [OC]

Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 6:04 pm
by Hesmiyu
Mirage_GSM wrote:I don't know which is worse. Having two students hacking at each other with real swords or a teacher striking at a student's head with no backup plan in case the student doesn't manage to block.
It's basically the first thing that get's pounded into you whenever you do any martial art whatsoever: Don't strike at your opponent's head.
Also even if they are using steel swords, there is absolutely no need to use sharp ones. Besides being extraordinarily reckless, it would probably be impractical as well as they'd be ruined after about two sessions.
I think I didn't say what I wanted to say but during my research I did happen upon this video of a show team. The first half of it has them using what looks like real ones (truthfully probably not sharp) the katanas don't make contact during it.

Re: Swim Story [OC]

Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 6:16 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Yes, those are Kata, and they don't use sharp swords.
Notice how they swing the swords very slowly and keep at least twenty cm between the blade and the bodies of their partners?

It's okay, I can suspend my disbelief enough to still enjoy the story - just don't try to think of an explanation :-)

Re: Swim Story [OC]

Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2015 10:02 pm
by Oddball
Just as I look to see if the sensei leading the demonstration is finished his speech, he shouts “Moto no ichi!”
I move to the exact spot that I had somehow drifted away from and place my right hand on the tsuka of my katana, ready to draw. I watch as my opponent does that same. The sensei then tells us to be ready and to draw our katanas. We do so and as I draw mine I look at the inscription I have on the blade. ‘継続は力なり’ is what it says which one of my friends has told me in the English tongue stands for ‘persevere and never fear’.
I hear the sensei shout “Shobu sanbon, hajime!” which signals us to start out piece.
This here, this is what kills my suspension of disbelief.

We know that the characters are speaking Japanese, but it's written in English for our benefit. We see English but accept that it's actually supposed to be Japanese. Nobody has a problem with that at all.

What you did was take the English that is actually Japanese and made it Japanese again. How am I supposed to read that? "The guy is speaking Japanese except for these parts that are really really Japanese"? It'ds Japanese except for these parts that are super double Japanese? They're so Japanese that even the people speaking Japanese can't understand them?

You're basically writing the translated version of the story. Do your job. make sure it IS translated.

On that note, drop the honorifics. They're not used in Katawa Shoujo and again, they make the work seem like it wasn't completely translated. The use of sensei you could probably get away with, but don't get in the habit of using Japanese words when there are perfectly good English ones that could be used instead.

Re: Swim Story [OC]

Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2015 8:15 am
by Hesmiyu
Oddball wrote:This here, this is what kills my suspension of disbelief.

We know that the characters are speaking Japanese, but it's written in English for our benefit. We see English but accept that it's actually supposed to be Japanese. Nobody has a problem with that at all.

What you did was take the English that is actually Japanese and made it Japanese again. How am I supposed to read that? "The guy is speaking Japanese except for these parts that are really really Japanese"? It'ds Japanese except for these parts that are super double Japanese? They're so Japanese that even the people speaking Japanese can't understand them?

You're basically writing the translated version of the story. Do your job. make sure it IS translated.

On that note, drop the honorifics. They're not used in Katawa Shoujo and again, they make the work seem like it wasn't completely translated. The use of sensei you could probably get away with, but don't get in the habit of using Japanese words when there are perfectly good English ones that could be used instead.
The parts written in the phonetic Japanese are habit as it is what I usually hear when doing martial arts (mainly the shobu sanbon, hajime.) I have now dropped the honourifics except the 'sensei' as even in English the martial arts master is generally called that.

I am unsure where to write the completed notes notes into a story for this or wait until I have completed the notes for all chapters I have planned.

One thing I am curious about is how people are perceiving what Ryuunosuke sees after the katana strikes his eye

Re: Swim Story [OC]

Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2015 12:28 pm
by Mirage_GSM
I wasn't too worried about the Japanese either. When you're doing any kind od Japanese martial arts, those commands will always be in Japanese.

Re: Swim Story [OC]

Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 11:01 am
by Hesmiyu
For those wondering, this fan fic may take a while to churn out new chapters as while expanding my ideas I have for each chapter, more ideas that fit pop into my head. I currently have just over 30k words in notes.

Swim Story [OC] - Chapter 2: First Lessons - 2015-09-07

Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:05 pm
by Hesmiyu
I have finished with the Prologue and now onto the story at Yamaku :). I split this chapter as it was getting longer than I planned. Please say if any part needs correcting or what to improve for future chapters. Thank you in advance.

A big chunk of the meeting with Ryuunosuke and the nurse was written after I'd been up for 29 straight hours.

Current Chapter Word Count: 3,908
Chapter 1-2 Word Count: 7,500
Act 1, Chapter 2: First Lessons

My father and I are standing outside a set of gates which seem to be too pompous for a school, even for a school such as the one that lies ahead. These iron gates look like they were designed to increase the grandeur of this school. I look to my father who is next to me. And I see he is looking back at me.

“Are you ready to enter your new school, Ryuunosuke?” My father asks.

Instead of saying anything, mainly due to nerves, I just nod my head.

My father puts his right hand on my left shoulder and indicates for me to walk. I pick up the two bags I have with me while my father picks up the other two. We then start walking up the path together, passing the gates and soon arrive at a fork in the path.

My father looks at the right path then to the left path. “Right, if I remember correctly, the male dormitories are to the path to our right and that big building to our left at the end of that path,” he points to the left path “that is the main building, where you will be taking your lessons. At least that is what I remember Jirou telling me.”

Somewhere I can hear the sound of something tapping on the ground. Looking at my father, I can see the sound can’t be from him. I keep scanning all around me, which is harder than I thought it would be with only one eye. Soon the tapping sound gets louder. And suddenly something, or someone, with pigtails whizzes past my father and me.

I hear my father mutter something about that being Yamaku’s rising star. My father looks at me and says “Before there are any more distractions, let us part ways. I will take your bags to the dorms and find the dorm keeper. You go to the main building to get your class details.”

I nod my head and pass the two bags I am holding to my father who manages to fit the handles into his already full hands. My father then departs to the building he says houses the male rooms. I watch him for a minute then depart from my spot via the left path.

After a few meters I start to find it hard to breathe. I spy a bench ahead and successfully make my way to it. I half collapse onto it and wait to regain my breath.

While my body is recovering, I try to think what may have caused it this time. I have only walked a small amount. Am I really that unfit after the hospital? I put my hand over my chest, and my heart rate feels normal. I then notice my breathing has slowed down. Once it has, I stand up from the bench and continue on my way to the building, thankfully with no further issues.

I arrive at the entrance to the main building and enter. The first thing I do is look around for the person who is supposed to wait for me but doesn't appear to be here. I lean against one of the walls and wait for this person to arrive. I assume they are just running late.

Soon I hear the door at the end of the lobby area open, and a tall figure with a bad posture appears. The tall man asks me “So you are the new student here… Shaba… Shibi… Shabnum?”

‘Huh, where did he get Shabnum from?’ I think to myself. “It‘s Shibanuma.”

The tall man smiles at me and says “So you are. My name is Mutou. I am the homeroom teacher for class 3-3. You will be in class 3-2 with Miyagi.”

‘Miyagi, why do I recognise than name?’ Just as I think Miyagi’s name, the door to the outside opens revealing a female with long dark hair. She appears to be quite young and shorter than I am.

Mutou looks up at the sound of the door and continues “Ahh, great timing Miyagi.”

Miyagi reaches us and smiles before saying to Mutou “I guess you called me then. Sorry I'm late, Fujisaki kept delaying me.”

The two home room teachers continue talking for a few more minutes seemingly forgetting that I am here. While they’re talking I feel something trickling down onto my left cheek. I put my finger on the odd sensation and look at what is on my finger. I find it to be blood. I reach into my pocket and pull out a tissue I have in there and wipe away the blood.

The two teachers eventually finish their conversation, and I hear Mutou tell Miyagi that he will take his leave now so he won’t be late for class for once. So, at this school Mutou is the teacher who is usually late then?

Mutou heads to the nearby stairs and disappears from view as Miyagi turns to face me with a smile on her face. “Sorry about that Shibanuma,” she looks at her watch, “we have plenty of time before lessons start for the day, something Mutou loses track of. I should take you to visit the nurse.”

Did she see my eye bleed? Slightly puzzled but curious, I ask Miyagi “Is that customary for all new students to visit her? Or because my eye bled?”

Something about what I said makes Miyagi chuckle “First, Nurse is a male.” Well, oops. “Secondly, going by your reaction to your eye bleeding it seems like something that isn't rare, and thirdly, all new students go see the nurse at some point during their first day to get assessed properly and to provide the correct help if any is required. We could wait until the lessons are over if you prefer.”

I let out a slightly audible sigh. I seem to have developed some sort of contempt towards medical staff since they told me I wouldn't be able to see out of my left eye for the rest of my life. I look straight at Miyagi before saying “We might as well get it over with now, rather than later.”

Miyagi gives me a certain look but doesn't press the issue with my statement. The look quickly changes into a smile as she manoeuvres me out of the building and towards a different one.

As we are walking outside, I notice the silence in the air; until Miyagi’s voice interrupts it “The building we are going to is the auxiliary building. It is a separate building from the rest of the school and houses stuff like the administrative offices, some club rooms, a pool and the nurses’ offices.”

The mention of a pool intrigues me, even though I haven’t gone swimming in quite a few years. We reach the double door entrance to the building, and Miyagi opens the door and signals for me to go in first. I walk inside and she follows closing the door behind her.

Once I'm inside, I see doors on both sides of the corridor. Miyagi walks past me and again beckons for me to follow her. We walk down the corridor and quickly appear at a door marked ‘Head Nurse’ and below it is a long name. Miyagi walks up to it and knocks on the door. I wonder how long this will take.

A few seconds pass, and I hear the sound of the door being opened. When the door opens enough, I can get a good look at the person inside. The first thing I see is the white lab coat he is wearing followed by his purple hair. He looks kind of rugged - that is until he smiles causing the dimples to wash that away. Is this one of the nurse’s assistants?

This person looks at Miyagi and then me, and his smile seems to broaden. “Hello there, you must be Shibanuma.” Wow, he got my name right first time. “I am the head nurse.” He’s younger than I thought he’d be. “You can call me by my name or just ‘Nurse’ like everyone else does. Come on in.” The nurse beckons me into the room.

After I enter the room, I look back at Miyagi who hasn't moved. “I’ll wait out here Shibanuma, so you won’t be late to class on your first day.” I nod my head and she smiles.

While the nurse says something to Miyagi, I observe my surroundings. One thing I immediately notice is the strange, but familiar smell in this room. Taking a look around the room I notice the nurse’s desk is neat and tidy, OCD? Looking at the bin, I would say no. The bin is almost overflowing with empty coffee cups. So he’s as bad with caffeine as me then.

Once the nurse has closed the door, he signals for me to take a seat, which I do. He then sits on what I assume is his normal chair. It looks well used. As I watch the nurse take his seat, I notice an open file on the desk.

The nurse notices that I saw the file and just smiles before saying “Don’t worry, it’s your file. I had your doctor send me a copy of his notes about your stay in hospital.” The nurse then picks up the file and quickly looks at it, “Acquired monocular vision… Haemolacria, left eye… scars on left side of face and abdomen. Quite a few things here, less than some of students who see me.”

At least I'm not the worst person here.

“Well Ryuunosuke, it is all right to use your first name isn't it?”

Well, you kind of already did. The nurse saying my first name suddenly surprises me, but I manage to formulate a simple response “It is okay.”

The nurse starts to talk about some stuff for several minutes. Nurse suddenly asks me “Do you mind if I take a close look at the scar across your eye?”

I hesitate for a moment and feel myself form a slight grimace before nodding. The nurse leans in and takes a close look at the scar. I don’t mind if people see that scar as I treat it as a battle scar, but when people try to get a close look, it makes me feel uneasy as it had happened in a moment of weakness.

Soon the nurse pulls away from my face making me feel relieved. “I would now like to test your depth perception if that is okay.”

“Okay, wait you aren't going to throw anything at me are you?”

My question causes the nurse to chuckle. “No nothing like that,” he strokes his chin as if thinking, “However…” Him saying that causes my eye to widen which makes him chuckle again. “I could throw some stuff and see if you can catch it.”

Wait, seriously? If he actually does that, I hope it is stuff that wouldn't break or is light. I watch as he grabs something on his desk. He reveals the object he picked up to be… a pen. Oh, something that simple. Why did I think it would be something else?

“Don’t worry; I'm not actually going to throw this at you.” Phew.


For the next 15 or so minutes, the nurse tests my depth perception with his pen, some of the tests include placing it at different distances on his desk and for me to grab it, and other tests involve throwing pen in the air and me trying to catch it. Most of the time, I catch or at least touch the pen.

The nurse looks at my file on his desk and then turns back to face me before asking “How much do you know about your Haemolacria?”

Oh yes, he mentioned that when reading the file. “Only that it occurs in one of my eyes, my left eye and that it started after I got this scar.” I gesture to the scar crossing my left eye.

Somewhere outside the room, we hear the sound of clock chimes. Do all schools have the same chimes then?

The nurse lets out a quick chuckle before saying “It appears this quick examination wasn’t as quick as normal. Perhaps it would now be a good idea to go outside to Miyagi and go to class. That is if she hasn't wandered off somewhere. Now, before you actually leave, there is one thing I just thought of. You may know this but due to your lack of depth perception, you aren't allowed to do any contact sports.” A serious expression appears on his face “That includes sparring with your katana.” The nurse opens one of his drawers and pulls out a newspaper article depicting my incident.

Dang, I already knew that, but still kind of hurts when I get reminded of that. I let out a sigh but then ask “I can’t train with others, but can I train if I'm alone?”

The nurse thinks for a moment as he puts the article away before coming to what looks like a conclusion. “If you’re training on your own then yes you can. But unfortunately you won’t be allowed on school grounds.”

Seeing as I'm going to be living here for the next year, that will be a very long time without training. I hope opportunities will come for me to leave and be able to train by myself.


Miyagi and I are outside the auxiliary building walking to the main one. While we walk Miyagi tells me “By the way, Shibanuma, aside from being your home room teacher, I will also be your English teacher.”

This causes me to involuntarily chuckle before I catch myself

“What made you laugh?”

“Nothing, it’s just that I'm very bad at English. Also, won’t your other students be wondering why the teacher hasn't arrived?”

“It is true that I don’t make it a practice to be late for classes and home room, I always wanted to see what happens if I don’t arrive on time. Class 3-3, Mutou’s class, are used to his lateness.” Miyagi looks at me as a grin spreads on her face. “Don’t tell your classmates?”

I shake my head. We arrive outside a classroom door which Miyagi opens. While she is opening the door, I look at the sign on the wall next to the door which reads ‘Class 3-2’ underneath it I see raised dots. I assume these are Braille. Since I am half blind, it wouldn't be that much of a stretch for fully blind people to be here, right?

Suddenly a wave of coldness sweeps over me causing me to shiver and feel as though I am rooted to the spot. My mind has finally caught on that I am at a completely different school, with a different atmosphere, in a completely foreign area, and I know no one.

Somewhere beyond the door, I can hear Miyagi’s voice calling my name. I slowly enter the room and see an almost full classroom of people my age.

Why wouldn't they be my age?

Question aside, when I enter I notice that only a few faces look towards me. Do they not care about the new student? I continue looking around the room and immediately see the teacher’s - Miyagi’s - desk. I walk towards it and see a dog lying on the ground next to one of the desks.

“Do you want to introduce yourself to the class?” Miyagi asks me.

That would probably be a good idea I suppose. I take a breath and start to introduce myself. “Hello, my name is Shibanuma Ryuunosuke. I have a big scar on the left side of my face from an accident which lead me to be blind in my left eye.”

In response to my self-introduction, I get several replies greeting me. I look to Miyagi and ask “Should I write my name on the board?”

Miyagi looks at me for a moment before replying “You can, but about half the class won’t be able to see it.”
I turn to the board and look for something to write with which I quickly find. I then write my name on the board while the only sound in the room is the sound of me writing, making me feel more self-conscious.

One I've written my name, I turn back to face Miyagi who then says “Well then, If you go take a seat next to Satou, she will be able to answer nearly any question you may have.”

I scan the entire classroom looking for anything which will tell me who this ‘Satou’ is, but I find nothing helpful. I look back at Miyagi who seems to have noticed.

“Sorry, Satou is the blonde-haired girl over there.”

My eye follows her gesture to reveal that she is pointing at a blonde-haired girl. So that’s Satou. She is quite beautiful.

As I make my way to the desk, I hear Miyagi say “Satou, Furude, I'm giving you both permission to talk during the class to answer any of Shibanuma’s questions.” I see Satou and a guy wearing sunglasses two desks to her left nod their heads.

I sit at this desk which is supposed to be mine for the next year and turn to face Satou. “Satou right? I’m Shibanuma. It is nice to meet you.”

She turns to face me, for some reason she is looking just over my shoulder. I look at her face, and I realise two things: she is really pretty up close, and she has cloudy blue eyes. Blind? She seems to take some time before she responds to my introduction

“Hello Shibanuma, it is nice to meet you. As Miyagi said, I am the representative for this class, Satou Lilly, but please, call me Lilly.”

She prefers to be called by her first name after only just meeting? “Okay Lilly, call me Ryuunosuke.” I smile then remember Lilly wouldn't be able to see.

From my left, I suddenly hear a male voice pipe up “Ryuunosuke… Dragon herald.”

“Huh?” That was random and new.

“It is what your name means in English.”

I look to my left to get a look at the person who, for some reason, is wearing sunglasses. “Furude Masahiro is my name.”

“Hello Masahiro, may I ask why are you wearing sunglasses indoors?” I ask. I could ask if he has a hangover, but I decide to be more ambiguous. My question causes Furude to smile while he looks straight at me. Well, I think he is. I can’t really tell with those sunglasses.

“I do not. I do not even drink unlike another person in this class,” that sounds like a jibe at someone within earshot, “These sunglasses are to stop the possibility of me going completely blind which could happen if I take them off. I have Achromatopsia. Because of that, I am also completely colour-blind. That’s enough about me, what has brought you to Yamaku?”

So that explains the sunglasses then. Achromatopsia, I wonder how bad it truly is. I let out a sigh before I answer Furude. “I was brought here by a katana to the face.”

Suddenly I see darkness which is cut apart by a flash of silver cutting down which cause me to let out an audible gasp. As quickly as the darkness appeared, it quickly disappears.
My gasp is apparently loud enough for Lilly to hear as she is looking my direction. “Are you all right, Ryuunosuke?”

I can hear concern in her voice. “Yes, I'm good Lilly, just had a partial flashback.”


Partway through the first lesson, Miyagi splits the class into smaller groups. She puts me with Lilly and Furude - I guess she saw how much the three of us were talking earlier. I hope this project is easy seeing as it is completely new to me.

“Say, Lilly, how many home rooms are there? I ask, curiously.

“There are five homeroom groups in our year. 3-1 is mainly for students with hearing conditions, 3-2, which is this class, is for those with sight problems.” That explains quite a few things, my half vision, Furude’s condition and Lilly’s blindness. “3-3, 3-4 and 3-5 all consist of various conditions.”

“The brochure I read before I came here said there are four homerooms if I remember right, though?” I say in response.

“Normally that is correct, but two years ago there was an influx of students, so the administration decided to add another homeroom. I don’t know the particulars however.”


The bell signalling the end of lesson and start of lunch rings out, and Lilly and Furude start packing their stuff away. Furude seems to have a certain system, a quick and efficient one seeing as he is already packed away and exiting the classroom. Lilly’s motions are more controlled and slower. Not really a surprise when you are blind.

I start packing my stuff away too. I look back over to Lilly, and I feel as though something is on her mind. “Is something bothering you Lilly?”

“Yes, but it doesn't matter,” she replies. About a minute passes, and Lilly speaks up. “Ryuunosuke, you didn't happen to be involved in an incident that happened not far from here a few months ago?”

“Huh? Oh, of course news about that sort of incident would reach a close school like this, and yes, that was me.” I wonder how many other people at this school know about that.

Lilly breaks me out of my thoughts with an apology. “I'm sorry for what my uncle did.”

“Why are you sorry? It wasn’t anything you- wait, Jigoro’s your uncle?”

Lilly nods. “Yes he is.”

“For as long as my father and I have known him, he rarely talked about... I remember him saying something about a blind niece.”

As I say this I notice a change in Lilly’s demeanour causing me to quickly say “I’msorryLilly.”

Lilly waits for a moment before responding. “There is no need to apologise Ryuunosuke.”

She doesn't seem to hate me for my mishap - I'm glad. I start to make my way to the door to leave the classroom, and Lilly calls out behind me. “See you after lunch Ryuunosuke.”

Outside the classroom of 3-2 I notice there aren't many students in the corridor. Did my little conversation with Lilly really take that long? Deciding to head to wherever the cafeteria is, I start walking down one of the directions of the corridor and see one of the classroom doors ahead open.

I slow my pace and see a girl with long brown hair in a wheelchair exiting the room in front of me. She is followed out by a girl with orange braided hair pushing the first girl’s wheelchair. I smile as I walk past and I get two smiles in return. As the wheelchair bound girl smiles, I see her purple eyes which seem to captivate me. I remember reading something about that type of eyes a while ago but I cannot remember what it said.

I continue walking along the corridor and turn to go round the corner only to find I've hit a dead end. How did I not see getting lost on my first day as a possibility? Never mind, I’ll go on a mini expedition to find this cafeteria and hope there is some food left.

A/N: Thanks to Mirage_GSM for proofreading this chapter.

Start Next

Chapter 3: A Helping Hand (Part 1)

Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2015 11:05 am
by Hesmiyu
Current Chapter Word Count: 4,735
Chapter 1-3 Word Count: 12,235
Act 1, Chapter 3: A Helping Hand
I walk along the corridors of this building, and I still can’t find the cafeteria.

‘Seriously, how difficult is it to find a big room with food in it?’

Upon thinking that, I notice the gratifying smell of food. Up ahead, I see a set of double doors which I walk towards, and as I near them, they automatically open.

The cafeteria surprisingly is nowhere near as full as I was expecting. Looking around the room I see a menu close by and take a look at it. To my surprise I see various choices on it - more than what my previous school had in a week. I start to wonder why it is so varied when it suddenly dawns on me that being at a school for disabled there are most likely people who can’t eat certain foods.

I look at the menu and see a food that pops out to me - the Mapo Doufo. After deciding on having that, I walk up to the serving counter and ask for it. Soon, the bowl of the food arrives, and to my pleasant surprise it is a decent size. I thank the server before I walk away.

Looking around the room and spy a drinks vending machine in the corner. I walk over to it and see there’s a vast amount of drinks available. I end up buying a random one.

Picking up my drink and placing it in my pocket, I proceed to walk between the tables and sit at an empty table. As I chew I feel my mouth get hot - not hot enough to burn but noticeable.

I look up and around, and I see people with various disabilities, some surprising, some not. As I swallow I notice a person looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I look towards the person and see a tanned girl who smiles at me. I smile back and then go back to eating my food.

I soon finish my food and open the can I bought. I bring the cool metal to my lips and let the cool liquid enter my mouth cooling the parts it touches. I can’t remember the last time I had had a canned drink. As I put the can down I see movement from the corner of my eye. I look to my right and see the tanned girl get up.

Without asking she sits down at my table. I stare at her waiting for her to initiate conversation. She just stares back, so I decide to break the ice.

“Uh, hello? Who are you, and why did you change tables to mine?” I ask her, hoping I don’t sound like I am being unfriendly.

“My name is Miki. You looked down and lonely, so I decided to talk to you.” The girl called Miki answers.

“Is that the only reason?” I ask. Something tells me she’s missing a reason or two.

Looking sheepish now, she responds “Well, my friend, Suzu, is busy in the library, and I don’t know when she’ll be free.”

My eye lights up when Miki mentions the library, and apparently Miki saw that as she gives off a slightly confused look.

“Sorry, I was planning on searching for the library later, but I had forgotten. Since your friend is there, maybe you could show me how to get there, and you can meet your friend?” I suggest.

Miki appears to think for a moment before replying “Okay, but only if you tell me your name.”

‘Oh yeah, I haven’t told her my name yet, I had better rectify that.’

“My name is Shibanuma.”

“So you’re the one people called ‘The Scarred One’ a while ago,” Miki says.

‘The Scarred One. I've never liked the nickname that pre-dates my eye.’

I sit back in my chair and fold my arms before saying, “Please don’t call me that. I have always hated that name. Miki is just staring at me. I wait to see what her next line will be.

Several seconds later, she comes out with “If it has to do with that scar across your eye, then I think it suits you. It makes you look like you've been in some sort of battle.”

I stare at Miki to see if she shows any signs of her trying to humour me and see none. I lean forward back to my original position and unfold my arms.

‘Nice diffusion Miki.’

Thinking about it, there’s one thing I realise about what Miki said, and I tell her. “That is the first compliment I've had about my scar that didn't feel forced or fake.”

Looking around at the walls I see no clock so I decide to ask Miki “Say, Miki, you don’t happen to know how much is left of the lunch break, do you?”

“Hang on, let me look.” Miki replies. She then puts her left arm on the table and reaches into her pocket with her right hand. As she searches in her pocket, I see some bandages wrapped around her left wrist.

I look directly at her arm, and another thought pops into my head at a surprising sight.

I then find a whole bunch of hand-related jokes pop into my mind. So is this what those people were thinking when they made those eye jokes that I wasn’t fond of? I quickly push those jokes out of my mind as I don’t want to cause any problems between me and Miki.

“Plenty of time to get to the library,” I hear Miki say, drawing me out of my thoughts. “I was wondering how long it would be before you noticed this, Ryuunosuke.” She waves her left arm slightly as if trying to emphasize it.

Surprised, I ask her “How do you know my first name?”

“Near the end of my second year here, there were rumours going around the school of a guy our age that was injured at a nearby demonstration. The rumour carried on with saying that person may join Yamaku. Your name was mentioned, and I realised you were the one the rumour was about when you said your last name.”

Even at Yamaku, rumours get spread and misinterpreted and exaggerated. And of course a nearby school would have heard of such a thing happening, especially a school like this.

“If you’re ready to go to the library, I can take you there now.” Miki proposes.

I grab my can and shake it to see if there’s any drink left, there isn't. I start to reach for my bowl when it is suddenly moved, and the can is taken out of my hand. I look at the culprit and see Miki has gotten up from her seat and grabbed them. She tells me to wait at the entrance.

I reach the double doors and wait for Miki. I soon see her walking towards me and ask her, “Where exactly is the library?”

Walking through the doors without turning to face me Miki replies. “Don’t worry, it is close by.”

We walk down a few more corridors, and I start to wonder what Miki defines as ‘close by’ and if the inside of this building is bigger than the outside makes it look.

“When did you join the school, Ryuunosuke?” Miki suddenly asks, as we continue to walk down yet more corridors.

“Today is my first day; I haven’t even seen my dorm room yet.” I reply as I let out a slight chuckle.

“Well then, welcome to Yamaku.”


Miki and I arrive at a set of double doors, and stops in front of the door before turning to me and saying, “Welcome to the Yamaku library.”

She turns back to the door and pushes it open.

“Acting a bit grandiose, aren't you Miki?” I say to her.

She just looks at me and smiles before walking into the library leaving me with no choice but to follow her. As I walk in, I am hit with the lovely smell of books - and also another smell I can’t quite describe.

“Will you be alright while I go check on my friend?” Miki asks me.

“Yeah, I should be, unless I get attacked by all these books,” I reply, smiling.

Miki then quickly disappears down one of the aisles while I look at the various bookshelves. It has been a while since I have actually read a book - before I lost my eye if I remember correctly. Recovering from the surgery made it hard to focus on the text, even with the pain killers. I walk to the nearest shelf and start to look at the book titles. They all seem to have mushy titles. I look up to see what the aisle is labelled.

‘Romance, well that explains all these mushy book titles then.’

I hear a voice belonging to Miki start speaking behind me, “Do you know how to get to the classrooms from here?”

I turn around to face Miki and think. “Uh, no I don’t. You leading me to this library is the nearest to a tour that I've had.”

My response causes Miki’s face to give off a surprised look. A few seconds later, she asks “Done everything you wanted to do in the library?”

“There actually wasn’t anything here that I was going to do; I just wanted to know how to get here in the future.” I explain to Miki.

“Okay. So you’re ready to head to the classrooms?” Miki asks, to which I nod. “Follow me then.”

With that, Miki starts walking towards the library doors. I follow and look behind me to take in the books on the shelves that my eye hasn't touched upon. I see a girl, who doesn't look much older than myself, walk across the library carrying a stack of books. A member of staff maybe? I turn my head as I am still walking but find my vision obscured by a waft of purple before I feel something hitting my chest - specifically my solar plexus - winding me. I hear the sound of multiple books hitting the floor in front of me along with a small feminine squeal. I look to see who bumped into me and see a purple-haired girl surrounded by a small pile of books. It takes a moment before I realise this girl is trying to apologise while stuttering almost every word.

‘Is she scared of me? She’s stuttering and seems to be nervous.’

I look directly at the girl and say “Don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault. I should have looked where I was going” I finish off with giving her a smile.

The girl looks up, and her eyes widen as she lets out a barely audible gasp and shies away. As she shies away, I notice there seems to be scarred skin on the right side of her face, a lot worse than any of my scars. I look at the floor and decide to pick up the girl’s books for her. As I do so, I ask her “May I know your name?”

“H- H- Hanako.” She answers, with a voice so quiet I barely hear her reply. I also hear and see her slowly standing up.

‘Hanako. Cute name.’

I finish picking up the book and as I stand up to pass them to her “Sorry Hanako. My name is Ryuunosuke.”

As I offer her my name, I notice a small flicker of a smile appear on her lips. She then reaches out and takes the books.

‘Scars on her hand too? What exactly happened to her?

I must have been staring because Hanako then suddenly rushes to the nearby desk and places the books I passed her on it before she rushes out of the library.

Miki then walks towards me from the door and says “I don’t think I’ll ever understand why she is so skittish.”

I think for a moment before replying. “I think it might be due to those scars she has. I got negative reception when I returned to my old school with this one scar.” I indicate my blind eye for emphasis.

“Probably, I just wish she’d open up more,” Miki replies.

We walk out of the library and down the corridor. As we walk I notice Miki looking towards me. I turn to her and ask “Is something wrong Miki?”

“I was just wondering why you asked me to guide you to the library when you didn't need anything from it.” She replies.

We soon appear in a corridor I recognise, the corridor containing the classrooms. Miki bids me farewell as she enters her classroom. I walk a bit further down the corridor and walk into the classroom of the vision impaired.

The afternoon classes have finished, and I walk to the boys’ dormitory. As I enter the doors of the building, I remember I don’t know my room number.

“Well done me for not knowing which room is mine…”

I pull out my phone to look through the messages from my father to see which room he took my bags too and see l already have two messages from him. I read the first message and see it says that he found the room alright, and the room number is 121. It also says that he left the room keys on the desk inside the room. I close the first message and open the second one which says that he has to leave earlier than anticipated as his work has called him. That would be fine, except I still don’t know what he does, everyone seems not to know or play dumb about it.

I put my phone back into my pocket and begin my search for the room I will live in for the rest of the school year. I imagined myself looking through corridors for around one hour or so, but I find the room a lot quicker than I was thinking. I stand in front of the door, and as my father’s message said, it is unlocked. The door slowly opens, and some words escape my mouth. “Wow this is pretty bland.”

I walk into the room to get a better view, but it doesn't improve my opinion of it. Aside from the bags on the bed, the room looks sterile - too sterile for my tastes. I turn my head to take in everything and see a bed, a fake oak desk with the keys atop it, a chair, a wardrobe, two shelves above the bed and a bedside stand.

I walk to the bags on the bed and see my father hasn't even started to unpack before he was called away. On the plus side, I get to choose where each thing in the bag goes. I open one of the bags and find my watch; I hadn't even noticed I wasn’t wearing it. I promptly put the watch on before starting the unpacking.

Nearing the end of unpacking one of the bags, I spy a photo in the bag. It is a memorial photo of Shiori. I carefully take it out of my bag and put it atop my bedside cabinet. I find myself staring at the photo as it is probably one of the most beautiful photos of her I have been given.

“I'm sorry. I was too late and dumb to realise.”

I tear my eyes away from the photo and look out the window.

“It’s dark already? How long have I been unpacking?”

I look at my watch and see it is around 7:30. Unpacking my stuff took a lot longer than I thought it would. A sudden wave of tiredness washes over me, causing me to remember that I have been awake for too long today - close to twenty hours. I decide it is time for me to go to sleep. I remove the bags that are on my bed and then lie down on it. Soon after, I feel as though the room starts to get darker, even though the light is still on.



Re: Swim Story [OC] - Chapter 3: Familiar Ground - 2015-10-1

Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2015 6:08 pm
by Mirage_GSM
I close my eyes and take a deep breathe
something starts to materialises
There are three or four other cases of missing or additional 'S' at the ends of words - both plural and 3rd person singular.
I thank my blessings
"thank my blessings"?
Once he has sat down,
Also a few missing commas, mostly when connecting two complete sentences with "and" or "but"
No feedback on my previous chapter?
Well I already commented on the thing with the swordfight after chapter one and didn't want to repeat myself. I was kinda hoping you'd treat it as backstory and not mention it again...

As for this chapter, the dream sequence needs to be set apart from the rest of the chapter - either by putting it in italics or by adding a scene break ( *** ) or something like that. Ontherwise not much to comment on in such a short chapter.

Re: Swim Story [OC] - Chapter 3: Familiar Ground - 2015-10-1

Posted: Sun Oct 18, 2015 10:18 am
by Hesmiyu
Mirage_GSM wrote:Otherwise not much to comment on in such a short chapter.
Fixed all those mistakes of mine now. As for 'such a short chapter' what would the length of a normal chapter be?

Re: Swim Story [OC] - Chapter 3: Familiar Ground - 2015-10-1

Posted: Sun Oct 18, 2015 12:11 pm
by Mirage_GSM
That, of course, depends on the author.
This chapter is quite short by the standards of the more prolific writers here on the forum.Also half of it is a dream where nothing really happens by definition, and the remeining four or five paragraphs are your charakter deciding to go to Yamaku - not really surprising, since everyone here probbaly assumed that from the beginning.