Teaser

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ComeWhatMay
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Teaser

Post by ComeWhatMay » Mon Jul 27, 2015 6:55 am

This is the teaser for my Saki Enomoto pseudo route "Can You Accept Your Fate?". Anything in this post is not necessarily canonical and is subject to change. All further updates will be submitted in the main post here.

Can you accept your fate?

~~~~~

The place is buzzing with activity. A few college students are throwing a Frisbee on the grass, while other groups of families and friends eat or play in the afternoon sunshine. Some runners make their way past, footsteps and breathing measured and methodical. I can't help but think of Emi, she's the only runner I know after all. Laughter pierces the air as some of the younger visitors play a game of tag under the watchful eye of their parents, which quickly turns sour as two dispute a tagging. Guess I shouldn't expect anything less from a Saturday afternoon at the town park.

It's hot, but the shade of the maple tree above us gives us some respite. Sitting next to me on the picnic table we claimed a few hours ago, Nakata lowers his head and looks intently at me, his eyes narrowing. He says in a deep and throaty voice, "so what are you in for?"

Ichi and Nana laugh from their place on a blanket, spread out a few feet away outside of the shade, in full view of the sun's rays, but Rebecca stops chewing her ramen - looking serious. My face twists in confusion, what does he mean by that?

In a deadpan voice and composure, he follows up. "How are you broke?"

Oh.

Oh boy.

That was... spontaneous.

"I..." I start, but something in me stops.

This is still pretty personal... Like, I want to tell them, but I also don't. What should I say? How much should I tell them? Hell... how much do I even know? I should really understand this better. All I know about my condition is what I should do to make it better and what I shouldn't do to make it worse. I don't know the first thing about what causes it, how I got it, or why I should or shouldn't be doing... whatever. My medications are just these things I have to take every morning, reminders that I'm not normal. I don't know what they do at all. My eyes start to flit around, not really looking at anyone or anything in particular, so I just pick up my sandwich and take a bite.

"Here, I'll start," says Nakata, still staring right at me. "I'm white, even though I should be yellow."

More laughter, and I laugh too. Partly nervously, but also because it was kinda funny.

"Well I..."

I'm still pausing. Why can't I just say it?

"C'mon man, were all broke here!" Nakata says, suddenly more animated and opening his arms wide. "I like ya man! Think we'll be hangin' out for a while, and everyone lets up eventually. Might as well get this out of the way now!" he laughs, slinging his arm over my shoulder and giving me a squeeze.

I give another little chuckle, but find myself looking away.

"Hey!", Rebecca says, giving him a stern look, "let it go Nakata."

"No, it's okay..." I manage to say, I don't want to look weak in front of my new friends. Are they my friends? I still feel pretty new here. "I..."

Man this is hard.

Hang on...

"Fine then Nakata, you first. How are you," I make quotation marks with my fingers. "Broke."

I think I'll be more comfortable if someone goes first. Maybe...

"And no kidding around!" I add hurriedly.

"Oculocutaneous albinism, type 4!" He stands, shouting loudly and proudly. Everyone else is used to Nakata's antics, but I cringe a little. Even on campus that would be awkward, but we're in public... I can't help but look around uncomfortably.

No one seems to be paying us any attention though. They're all too busy enjoying their day off at the park.

"Supposedly, type 4 is rare outside of Japan, so I like to tack that on there. Reminds me to be proud of my heritage." He says ironically, jostling me with his elbow and smiling.

Ichi pipes in, raising his hand and dipping his head a bit. "Cluster headaches."

I look at him quizzically. He hasn't complained about any headaches since I've known him...

Sensing my confusion, he adds, "I've been fine recently because they come periodically, pretty much yearly. Parents sent me here because my headache cycle tends to hit around the end of school, when final projects and exams are usually due. Most teachers at my old school thought I was faking, or they weren't really that bad, but they make special accommodations here."

"Are they that bad?" I ask.

"Some doctors say it's the worst pain a human can feel, " he remarks with a straight face.

Oh. I look down awkwardly. Now I remember why talking about this stuff is weird...

Eiichi senses my minor retreat. "Dude," he says, "chill. We were all curious when we got here."

The trains still rolling I guess, so I look at Rebecca.

Nakata chuckles, "here we go..."

She sighs, swallows her mouthful of soup, and clears her throat. "Multiple ballistic traumas to the right knee and thigh resulted in a comminuted intra-articular fracture involving the patella and lateral condyle, as well as a butterfly fracture of the upper femoral body and extensive tissue damage. Subsequent infection and muscular necrosis necessitated wide-scale debridement of the quadriceps femoris. The patient continues to experience chronic pain in the right leg and limited range of motion."

Nakata sits next to me, mimicking (well, probably mocking) Rebecca's straight-faced delivery with his eyes turned upwards. She shoots him another glare.

My jaw slackens as she speaks. She says it all without skipping a beat, with the exasperated tone of someone who has said something a few too many times but just knows this isn't the last. I continue my dumbfounded stare.

Rebecca returns her gaze to me and blinks twice. After a pause, "I got shot."

My eyes widen and I start to sit up a bit straighter, but I quickly wipe away my shock. It's probably disrespectful...

I can't think of a good response. I go with, "Why didn't you just say that?" despite my curiosity to the events that preceded her, uh, condition.

She shrugs, "I don't like to think about it, so I just say what my patient file says. The words are big and confusing so I have no idea what it means. Makes it feel like I'm not talking about myself."

Glad I didn't ask...

She says the next bit glaring at Nakata, leaning in towards him. "Because SOME OF US don't think is the kind of thing you casually chat about at a picnic." Man she can be intimidating.

Nakata raises his hands in defense and leans away. "Hey, I'm just tryin' to get the guy out of his shell!"

Nana smiles. "Guess I'm last."

"I mean... you don't have to tell me if you don't want too." I feel awkward again. If any of them feel anything close the way I do about my reason for being here, I'm really pushing some boundaries... "It's just that Nakata couldn't seem to hold it in." I say smiling weakly.

She laughs. "Huntington's chorea."

I don't know what that is.

"Don't worry about it. Just know that for the time being, I'm healthy as an Ox."

"I don't mean to pry, but if it doesn't affect you yet, why are you at Yamaku?"

"I didn't take the news very well, so they wanted to show me I'm not alone. It worked, I guess."

I nod.

Nakata starts prodding my shoulder, then swings his arm over my shoulder again. "Yooooouuuur tuuuuuurn," he says in a sing-songy voice.

I guess it's only fair. Everyone else seemed pretty casual, but I still think it's weird, talking about this so freely. I want to get this over with quickly, so I take a deep breath and just say what I know.

"I have heart problems. Cardiac arrhythmia, they called it... caused by Long QT syndrome."

Nakata nods, but not a normal nod, it's the one where you kind of jut your head forward and your chin upward, and your chest moves with you. It's pretty funny so I give a small smile, this time it's real. "See man?" he gives me a shake. "That wasn't too hard was it?"

"Yeah I guess..." I say.

Even though it was.

I look around me, Eiichi has his arm around Nana's shoulder too, but I think for different reasons than Nakata's is around mine. Nakata is smiling brightly, letting go and returning to his sandwich, while Rebecca just stares at him shaking her head ever so slightly.

Everyone here has taken to their conditions so well. The girls are a little more reserved about it, and I don't blame them. Heck, I'm even more reserved than they are. Eiichi though, he's pretty nonchalant, and Nakata is outright proud of his albinism. Or... maybe it's just an act, but I don't think so. Nakata just doesn't seem like that kind of guy. There's still one person who hasn't spoken up though...

I turn to Saki, to finish the round of confessions, but I pause and my breath cuts short when I catch sight of her. Her head is propped against the trunk of the maple, eyes closed in peaceful slumber and auburn hair fluttering gently in the summer breeze. Her cane lies at her side and her arms are gently crossed over her stomach, legs extended, right leg crossing at the ankle over her left. Almost imperceptibly, her chest rises and falls, the faintest smile is still present on her lips. The very picture of peaceful grace.

"Don't bother."

Nakata's voice snaps me back to reality.

"Yeah, she probably has to get to know me better I guess..."

Nakata chuckles, glancing at me. "Doubt it. You'd think 2 years of friendship would be enough wouldn't ya?" He returns his gaze to the girl resting against the maple.

"You mean you don't know?"

Everyone's eyes have drifted to Saki Enomoto now. Even though she seems like the ringleader of this merry bunch... this happy few, this band of brothers, she always seems surprisingly distant. Like a commander, hesitant to fraternize with her subordinates.

Nakata replies.

"None of us do."
Last edited by ComeWhatMay on Sun Jul 10, 2016 3:20 pm, edited 8 times in total.
Come What May - Cliché No matter what might happen.

Currently writing Can You Accept Your Fate? Saki Enomoto Pseudo Route. 34,000 words and counting.

Oh you wear your facade so well, covered up in your plastic shell

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ComeWhatMay
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Re: Teaser

Post by ComeWhatMay » Mon Jul 27, 2015 6:56 am

This might be a tad ambitious... but damn do I want to see this to the end.

When I saw the April Fools post for the first time about 2 weeks ago, Saki jumped out at me immediately. Then and there, I whipped up a short overview of a Saki route, deciding on potential primary themes and dabbling a bit in Act names. Of course, knowing there is never an original thought on the internet, I started checking for fanfics already written, glancing only at the act and chapter names (I didn't want to taint my story of Saki and Hisao with anyone else's view of the pair).

To my dismay, I saw that the other Saki route that seems to have gained traction had chosen the same "Act 1" title that I had, but I was pleased to see the author had not continued the trend of naming acts based on a certain 5 step process that honestly shouldn't be that hard to guess.

As for the other fanfics, not to be disrespectful or anything, but all the fanfics I could find were criminally short. I believe this character has so much potential, and I don't think that potential can be adequately expressed in the length of the stories I saw.

Over the course of the past 2 weeks, I have done significant research on Spinocerebellar ataxia, Long QT syndrome, ballistic injuries, and more. I have spoken with Cluster Headache sufferers firsthand, looking for personal accounts of their effects. I would like to thank doctors at the Genetic and Rare Diseases Information Center (GARD) for taking the time to correspond with me about this terrible disease and sharing information on its progression, symptoms, and treatments. As for Huntingtons... I watched a shitload of House :P

I digress. Maybe this fic will die because I lose time or interest, maybe it will be buried because I'm a shitty writer, but I want to give this a shot. The snippet above takes place towards the end of Act 1, and I hope to have the first chapter out by week's end.

Wish me luck guys.

EDIT: I'm dumb and already showing my newbiness, not posting this specifically in the "Fan Fiction" sub-forum. I also see Eurobeatjester is writing his/her own Saki route as we speak... I shake my fist at the competition!

Lets see how I stack up :P
Last edited by ComeWhatMay on Tue Aug 04, 2015 6:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Come What May - Cliché No matter what might happen.

Currently writing Can You Accept Your Fate? Saki Enomoto Pseudo Route. 34,000 words and counting.

Oh you wear your facade so well, covered up in your plastic shell

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AntonSlavik020
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Re: Teaser

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:20 am

I've never been big on Saki due to how inherently depressing her disability is(I like completely happy endings), but I'll give this a shot.
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Teaser

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:30 am

Well, Eurobeatjester's fic is some steep competition, but your writing style is good and you go to the effort of doing research.
You're going with a whole cast of OCs which is... ambitious, but on the other hand you're not in the danger of getting them wrong.
Three things I noticed:
- The name Rebecca is not very Japanese.
- I think it's odd that you's have a member of the supporting cast have a condition that is so similar to Saki's.
- Saki is only a second year, so she has been in the school for only a bit over one year.
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Sharp-O
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Re: Teaser

Post by Sharp-O » Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:32 am

Welcome to the boards, CMW! I struggle with Chapter names at the best of times (and especially at the start) so I wouldn't worry about it, hell, one of my earliest ones is the name of an act from the VN :lol:

The character dynamics seem solid and your research is self-evident. I'll be interested to see where you go with this. :D

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ComeWhatMay
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Re: Teaser

Post by ComeWhatMay » Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:34 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Well, Eurobeatjester's fic is some steep competition, but your writing style is good and you go to the effort of doing research.
You're going with a whole cast of OCs which is... ambitious, but on the other hand you're not in the danger of getting them wrong.
Three things I noticed:
- The name Rebecca is not very Japanese.
- I think it's odd that you's have a member of the supporting cast have a condition that is so similar to Saki's.
- Saki is only a second year, so she has been in the school for only a bit over one year.

Darn that guy for being good! Guess I'll find out after I finish my story though, still don't wanna "taint" my view of the characters haha.

As for your noticed "things":
-Her last name's Blackburn, so shes not :P. Her mother is Japanese, and her father is active duty US Navy, a Master Chief stationed at US Fleet Activities Yokosuka.
-I thought it natural that those with similar disabilities would seek out each other. I think it also allows for some good drama and showing how people with similar conditions handle things differently.
-Do you have a source on this? I'm looking at the only official and official-ish resources and I cant find anywhere it mentions this.
Come What May - Cliché No matter what might happen.

Currently writing Can You Accept Your Fate? Saki Enomoto Pseudo Route. 34,000 words and counting.

Oh you wear your facade so well, covered up in your plastic shell

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Re: Teaser

Post by brythain » Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:46 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:- Saki is only a second year, so she has been in the school for only a bit over one year.
Rika Katayama is second year, but Saki isn't necessarily second year; we have no information on that, I think.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
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Re: Teaser

Post by swampie2 » Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:58 pm

Welcome to the board!

You've got a nice set of characters as far as I can tell, I don't think I've read a fic that includes a character with albinism or cluster headaches before, A+ for originality on those. If you plan on making a series out of this then I'd recommend a "character" section in the OP to keep all that stuff organized. :)

The writing is good aside from a couple points where I lost who was speaking, though that comes naturally with scenes including more than 3 people, for me at least, I can't speak for the others. I can't fault you on any grammar either, this was quite well written.

Congrats on your first chapter, it was far better than my first by a long shot. :wink:
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ComeWhatMay
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Re: Teaser

Post by ComeWhatMay » Wed Jul 29, 2015 12:26 am

I'm still gunning for a 1st Chapter release by the end of this week, but I checked HotSchedules yesterday, and was met with this... http://imgur.com/HAznYMn

I'm still excited enough about this story to try to stick to the schedule, but if I don't make it, please for give : (

Also... I've found that with some scenes, it's ridiculously easy to write. The one above really just flowed out, I didn't even really have to think about it, and the same thing has happened with another scene I came up with today. Other scenes don't come as easy...
Come What May - Cliché No matter what might happen.

Currently writing Can You Accept Your Fate? Saki Enomoto Pseudo Route. 34,000 words and counting.

Oh you wear your facade so well, covered up in your plastic shell

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