The Alpaca Dump: Another One-Shot Thread - Story #5 21/6/15

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Alpacalypse
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The Alpaca Dump: Another One-Shot Thread - Story #5 21/6/15

Post by Alpacalypse » Thu Apr 30, 2015 3:54 pm

Welcome, one and all, to the Alpaca Dump, where I post crap!

Yes, I decided to convert this into a one-shot thread, because shitting up the forums with this stuff is probably a bad idea. Table of Contents is below, if I ever have the inclination to create a multi-part story, it'll be posted in its own thread. Thanks, and happy reading! Hopefully

FYI: Update notices will be using the British date (day/month/year)

Story 1: Reaching the Summit (this post)

Story 2: A Curious Meeting

Story 3: Monologuing problems

Story 4: A Personal Inferno

Story 5: Sour Note

**********
So, apparently I write fanfiction now. Not really sure how I feel about that. :?
Anyway, since the last piece of creative writing I did was for my English GCSE controlled assessments, this may not be great.

Massive thanks to Rhodri for a) Letting me use his idea and b) reading this before I posted it to make sure that the quality was above the point where people would get brain haemorrhages from reading.

So, without further ado, here is a thing I wrote. Any and all criticism welcome even if I'm not much of a writer, it's nice to have something creative to work on besides failing at Starcraft II
Please send any death-threats you may wish to express via PM.

Edit: As per Mirage's feedback (and post on the Tips thread), I fixed the line spacings to -hopefully- make the story a little easier to read.

***
Reaching the Summit


Curious.

That’s how I’d describe my situation. A kid from the city gets diagnosed with a dormant heart condition after a confession in the snow, gets sent to school in the countryside, makes some decidedly odd friends and joins a club for an activity he’d never really had any interest in before – photography.

To be honest, I’m just lucky that Misaki found it in her heart to take in a kid as lonesome and depressed as me. I cringe just thinking about how surly I was when she initially introduced herself in class. At least I’ve got something to do with my time now. The camera that now constantly hangs around my neck is proof of that. I’d never really fancied myself as a photographer, but I’ve found myself idly taking pictures of things that interest me over the past few days.

Strange, the influence that Misaki’s enthusiasm can have on people. I may have to ask Kenji to keep an eye on her, make sure she’s not brainwashing me.

On second thoughts, that’s a terrible idea, bad Hisao.


There’s also the thought of that girl from the festival. We may have only talked for a few minutes while she was working a stall set up by the art club, but she somehow managed to stick to my brain like a limpet.

Saki Enomoto… The girl who lives on a countdown.

And the second person to have found out my condition.


Somehow - probably owing to my obvious exhaustion at the time, and my newfound propensity to grab at my chest while tired - she managed to guess at my condition – and told me hers, as well. Spinocerebellar Ataxia. A degenerative motor disease that will slowly digest her brain – or so she says.

It’s probably less dramatic than that.

However, I have no reason to doubt her sincerity as to the end result – a slow death, mired with difficulties in doing just about anything, breathing included. Just the thought makes me shudder.

All the same, for whatever reason, the memory of that brief conversation sticks with me:

“I guess your life might be kinda short too, then. But that’s not so bad. I always liked to think of it like this – the less you have of something, the more precious it is. Every day is a gift, every hour is golden and every minute is a diamond. You might not have long here, sure, but that just means that you’ve got to make sure that you do the best you can with it, ‘kay?”

I smile as I think back to those words. She’s probably right. I may have a small amount of time on this Earth, but I should try and make the most of it. Do what I can to enjoy it.

Speaking of which, I have a feeling that there won’t be much left to enjoy if I don’t make it to photography club on time.

Misaki’s going to kill me if I’m late again…

---

As I walk in through the door to the club, I’m – surprisingly – not greeted with a death-glare from Misaki. Instead, there’s a discussion going on between the other eleven members of the club. The odd thing is that there are no pictures laid out on the tables like normal.

It isn’t long before I’m finally noticed, though, and Misaki calls me over.

“Hey, Hisao, glad you could finally make it,” She calls out sarcastically, looking only slightly like she’s about to murder me. Small improvement over last time, at least.

“Hey,” I respond, “What’s going on here? I didn’t think we discussed ideas for pictures, only ones that were already taken.” Misaki grins at me, clearly amused by my lack of knowledge about the situation – or something like that.

“Well, we would normally be doing that, but we’ve got an interesting proposition from Nomiya. Care to listen?” I nod my consent and join the huddle.

“Ok, apparently Nomiya is going to try and get the art club members to try and give photography a go. In his words, ‘photography is an integral part of the visual arts and it should be considered a viable method for artistic expression’.” She rolls her eyes at that, probably more so at Nomiya’s overly sophisticated justification than at the suggestion that her favourite activity is an art form, “Either way, he wants our help in showing the guys there how to do it properly, so I decided to get the opinion of the club on it. Everyone else is on board, but I won’t force you into it.” I shrug, not able to come up an excuse to skip out on what might end up being an interesting way to spend my time.

Or a complete waste of said time spent telling a stranger how to work what would probably be considered a pretty simple-to-use device, but hey, positive attitude, right?

“Sure, I’ll do it. No harm in trying new things every once in a while.”

“Great!” Comes the enthusiastic reply, “It’s scheduled for after-school on Saturday, in the art room. You know where that is, right?” I nod, “Cool. Be there ASAP once class is over, and it should be fine. Anyway, let’s start of this week’s meeting on the Yamaku Photography Club!” She trills.

As I start flipping through the photographs on my digital camera, a small thought passes through my mind:

Will Saki be there?

The moment is fleeting and I’m soon caught up in yet another meeting of the club I had no idea I’d enjoy.

***

“Alright, club members, let’s get this sorted out!” Nomiya bellows out to the congregation in the art room. There’s actually quite a few people here – even Rin decided to show up, although she appears to be taking greater interest in her feet and whatever she can see outside the window alternately.
“Now, I understand that this is a bit unorthodox,” Nomiya continues, “but I think that it will be a great opportunity for you all! It will not always be possible to carry a canvas and paints, or charcoal, or other materials, and so, for those of you that pride themselves in painting what they can see, a photograph may be all you have to copy from.” I really don’t have much interest in what the fat, poorly dressed art teacher has to say about the role of photography in painting – something that I know for a fact I’m terrible at – so I scan the modest crowd again, hoping just a little that I’ll see a flash of honey-coloured hair in there, somewhere. Sadly, it looks like she’s decided to skip out on this little project.

Oh well, it was done on a voluntary basis, so it’s not like she’s obligated to be here…

And then the door to the art room bursts open, revealing a very bedraggled and tired-looking Saki. I guess I was wrong.

“Sorry I’m late, Mr Nomiya!” She manages to blurt out in between gasps for air, “Got caught up in discussing my English marks with Ms Miyagi.” Nomiya nods slowly, shutting his eyes in what could be considered an attempt to appear wise, but just makes him look a little bit out of sorts.

“Of course, Ms Enomoto, just join in with the rest of the crowd and pay attention. No harm done, no harm done…” Saki nods and walks over to join the rest of us, quickly regaining her composure as she does so.
“Now then, we’ll be splitting into pairs for this little activity. The members of the Photography club will be showing the members of the art club all of the functions that they’ll need to take pictures exactly the way they want them. Then we’ll have a practical demonstration of those features, using some of the older artworks in the storage cupboard. Let us continue.” I look around for anybody to partner with, but it looks like everyone is just going with friends or the nearest available club member. I almost lose hope for going with anybody but Rin, but then Saki notices me and walks over, wearing a slight smile.

“Hey,” She greets me, “Hisao, right? Good to see you, again!”

“Yeah, it is Hisao,” I clarify, smiling back, “It’s good to see you again, too.” She nods at that, and I think her smile widens, just a little.

“Well, I assume that, since there’s nobody else from the art club standing here and you’ve got a camera around your neck, you’ll be happy to show me how to take pictures?”

“Sure.” It’ll be nice to have somebody familiar to teach, at any rate.

I start by showing her all the basics, stuff which she should probably know already, but still listens to avidly. I then go into a little more detail and start talking about how to adjust the contrast and brightness of the photo and show her a few basic filters to use, which takes about an hour to fully explain. Once that’s done, Nomiya announces that the practical demonstration can start. We spend another hour taking some pictures of some old, albeit still mostly impressive, pictures that previous incarnations of the art club had made, talking and making a few little jokes here and there. It’s strange, but I really enjoy the time I spend with this girl. She seems to possess an energy that I can’t hope to match, but it doesn’t explode out of her like it would with someone like Emi. Instead, it seems to permeate everything she does – the way she moves, the constant fidgets and brushing back of a few stray locks of hair, even the way she smiles all seem to have a sort of spark behind them. As though she genuinely enjoys every little thing she does. A few minutes before we’re due to end the session, she stops me and smiles again.

“You know, you seem like less of a grump now than you were a few weeks back.”

“Huh?” I reply, not really sure how to respond to that. She chuckles softly to herself before continuing.

“When I first saw you there, at the festival, you seemed like you had no drive to do anything, like it just didn’t matter to you that there were other people here. And, to be honest, I felt a little sorry for you, seeing you like that.” She’s right about that. When I first arrived at Yamaku, the only thing I wanted to do was think about how unfair it all was, that I had arrhythmia, that I had lost all my friends and that the girl I’d liked for so long had abandoned me in that hospital because she didn’t want to shoulder my burden.

Truly pathetic. Really and truly. I can do better.

I’m about to reply, but Nomiya decides that we urgently need to listen to him speaking that that precise moment.

Dammit…

“Alright, that’s going to be the end of our session today, people. However, having discussed this with Ms Kawana, we have decided that we will be continuing this as a joint project over the next few weeks. In order to allow club meetings to happen normally, we will be carrying out these sessions at the same time as this one – an hour after school ends on Saturday. Make sure that you can attend them, as having people missing might just make things very difficult. Are there any objections to this idea?” Nobody makes any move to object.

“Excellent! We shall see each other again next Saturday, then,” he says before smirking and looking straight at Saki, “And might we be on time next week, Miss Enomoto?” The poor girl looks down at the floor, failing miserably to hide the blush spreading across her cheeks.

It looks kind of cute, actually…

“Yes, sir, I’ll do my best to get here along with everyone else.” Everybody immediately starts filtering out of the room, Rin meandering along in her arrhythmic way. I turn to Saki.

“You okay there?”

“Yeah, just kind of embarrassed at that. I think he enjoys doing things like that just to annoy people,” her expression sours a little, before brightening again, “Anyway, I guess it’ll be the same time next week, right?”

“Sure,” I reply, “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” She giggles at the cliché line.

“Of course. I’ll see you then.” As she turns away, I suddenly remember what I was going to say before Nomiya went on his spiel.

“Hey, wait a sec, Saki.” She turns back, looking slightly puzzled.

“Yes?”

“I just wanted to thank you… for setting me straight at the festival. It… helped.” She breaks out into the largest and brightest smile I’ve seen from her yet.

Jeez, I think I felt my heart skip a beat there… or several. Oh well, nothing new there, I suppose.

Probably.


“You’re welcome! I’m glad that it helped. I was a little afraid that that little speech on having a short life would get you even more depressed.”

“Nah, it really did help there. I think you’re right about it – I’ll do my best to enjoy things from now on.”

“Good to hear, Hisao,” she says, “I hope I don’t have to see that surly face from the festival again.” I wince a little at the mention of the face I ended up seeing in the mirror when I arrived at Yamaku.

“You and me both, Saki.” She grins back at me and starts walking out the door. I smile at that.

I’ll be looking forward to next week.

***

Two weeks later, and we’ve reached the conclusion of another session of taking photos and explaining camera functions – this time, going outside to get photos of whatever took our interest. While walking all over the grounds tired me out a bit, I’m still happy about the ones we’ve taken. It’s a satisfying feeling, having lots of photos on your camera’s memory, even if not all of them are particularly good.

My near-permanent partner is probably responsible for that…

Saki has taken to sticking with me for these sessions, something that I’m more than happy to accommodate. I have no idea why she does it, but it seems like she’s got some sort of mandate to keep an eye on me, having dragged me to lunch with her and some of her friends on more than one occasion in the past fortnight. It’s almost a little disconcerting that she takes such an interest.

Not that I’m complaining at all.

The occasions where Saki has commandeered my company for lunch are welcome – she’s an easy person to talk with and she quite clearly enjoys helping me make friends within her own little clique. Even if I’ve never been the most social person, I won’t be sad to have a few more friends around Yamaku.

Suddenly, my reverie is interrupted by a certain pink-jacketed art teacher.

“Alright, then, students,” Nomiya calls out, “it appears that we’ve reached the conclusion of yet another joint session. Please make sure that you get some of those pictures printed out – I’d like to have some physical evidence of our achievements in these little lessons.” I suppose he’s right – these are more lessons than club meetings, but that doesn’t lessen my enjoyment of them any – it’s nice to be able to impart my knowledge, especially when the recipients are as ready to listen as Saki seems to be. Of course, that might just be her attempting to make me feel welcome, but it does look like she’s genuinely interested in my instruction; something that isn’t lost on my ego.

“Now, we’ll be continuing this next week, as before. It will probably be our last session, though, as I think that we have all learned everything that we will need.” Noticing Misaki’s withering look, I think she’d have a thing or two to say to Nomiya about the finer points of using a camera, but before she can say anything, Nomiya dismisses us with a wave of his hand and an absent-minded “off you go!”
Not having any reason to stay, I turn to Saki.

“So next week will be our last session, huh?” For some reason, she grins at that and I think I hear a soft giggle emerge from her lips.

“Yeah, by the looks of it. You’re looking a little depressed about that.” I suddenly feel my cheeks going red and look away. That only causes her to giggle more loudly. “What’s wrong? Is it me? Am I really-“ she moves closer and whispers in my ear, “-that important to you?” I immediately step back and look down at the floor, feeling my face go completely crimson. Apparently, my expression is hilarious, as Saki starts doubling over in fits.
“Oh god, that face is priceless!” she cries out in between bursts of laughter.

“Y-yeah, well, it’s just that… this whole thing has been sort of fun. It’s nice to actually teach people instead of just talk with people who already know what they’re doing.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” she replies, her expression softening into a normal smile, “Hey, you want to take a walk with me?”

“Huh?” I mentally stumble, not quite understanding what she’s asking. She grins again before replying.

“It’s a nice afternoon and you’re fun to talk to. It’s not a problem is it?” I breathe a small sigh of relief.

Ok, not going where I thought it was going. Good.

“No, no problem. Just thinking it over.”

“Riiight, sure you were,” she smiles knowingly, “Anyway, let’s go!”

Saki leads me out of the art room and we walk out of the main building side-by-side, exchanging idle banter as we do. It’s all inconsequential stuff, really, she goes on a little about some gossip from her friends, which I intersperse with a few questions and the occasional bad joke, which she has the curtesy to laugh at. It’s a nice day and the good weather we’ve been having recently only exacerbates the relaxed atmosphere that our conversation seems to have generated. However, the walking from earlier and the heat are starting to take their toll on me, and I start breathing heavily as we pass near the edge of the grounds. Saki frowns at me.

“Hey, you doing ok there?” She tentatively asks.

“Yeah, just a little tired is all,” I reply, sitting down on a nearby bench. She closes her eyes and nods.

“I gotcha. Heart problems, right?”

“Might be. Not in the best shape right now, either.”

“Stays in hospital tend to do that, don’t they?” I nod in reply, not really questioning how she figured it out. Guess it’s the only place I could have been after being diagnosed with a heart condition.

We sit there for a little while, mostly silent aside from a few pieces of idle chat. After about twenty minutes, I feel rested enough to stand, which Saki smiles at.

“Ready to keep going?” She says, not waiting for an answer before starting down the path. I move to follow, but she suddenly stops. Saki turns to face me, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Actually, I’ve got an idea for something to do!” She starts moving again, this time heading for the rear of the grounds and moving surprisingly quickly for someone who walks with a cane.

“Wait, where are you going?” I ask as I scramble to follow.

“You’ll see~,” she lilts over her shoulder, not even bothering to look back at the poor kid with a heart condition.

I follow her to the area around the back of the school grounds, where we pass through a gate that leads onto a dirt path through the woods behind the school. Saki starts down the path without hesitating, although moving slightly more slowly due to the less even ground. As we pass under the trees, I wonder why she decided to drag me out here.

Let’s hope that she’s not planning to feed me to the wolves that no doubt live in the forest here.

Wait, wolves are extinct in Japan, right?


She stops at the edge of the tree line and I find myself at the foot of the large hill behind the school.

“What are we doing here, Saki?” She finally turns around and flashes me a mischievous grin.

“A little challenge for both of us – climb the hill in one go!” I balk at the suggestion.

“What brought this on?” Now she looks just a little sheepish before reverting to her normal smile.

“I’ve been meaning to do this with someone for a while, but there’s nobody else I really know that can do this and understand that this can actually be hard for some of us.”

“So, essentially, you picked me because I’m unfit and you wanted somebody to make you feel better about this?” She burst out laughing again.

“Yup, more or less! So, do you accept my little dare, Mister Nakai?” I ponder it for a moment. Sure, it’s probably not the best idea I’ve ever heard – but, then again, what’s the point in even being at Yamaku if I don’t try and challenge my limits? I may only be a kid with a broken heart, but I don’t want to spend my whole life in fear of triggering my condition; if I were to do that, I’d just wrap myself in bubble wrap and hide in my room for the rest of time.

You’ve just got to make sure you do the best you can with it.

I give a single nod and grin at my partner in crime.

“Yes. I accept, Miss Enomoto.” She gives an airy laugh ad starts walking up the steep incline.

Nurse is going to flip if he finds out.

I start following Saki up the hill. Initially, there’s no problems – the weather’s fine and I can’t say that the whole thing seems too strenuous. After a few minutes, though, I can feel my legs start to ache. The sweat on my brow is starting to drip down and my chest is starting to tense up in that tell-tale way it does.

Dammit, not now.

Shrugging it off, I try and keep going. I can feel my shirt starting to stick and the school trousers feel unnecessarily heavy, but I press on. About three-quarters of the way up, however, I don’t think I can do it. I stop walking and double over, putting my hands on my knees.

Oh well, nice try, Hisao. Guess I should just lie down here and rest for a while…

“Hey, are you giving up already?”

I look up and see Saki standing a few meters ahead of me up the hill, looking back at me with a stern expression. I can see the sweat pouring down her face and she’s taken off the ribbon around her neck in order to let herself breathe more easily, but she’s still standing.

“Come on, Hisao. He who dares, wins!”

She’s not going to give up.

Why should I?

I straighten up and give it one last shot. My legs ache, my chest feels like it might give up on me and I’ll probably regret this whole-heartedly later, but I can’t give up now and let her down. I wouldn’t forgive myself.

Staggering the last few steps up the hill, I finally reach the summit. I collapse, exhausted and immediately start pawing at my chest to try and get the rhythm under control. There’s a tense few moments as my erratic heart refuses to cooperate, but the tenseness in my chest slowly subsides.

Thank god.

I can hear laughter over to my left. Sitting up, I see Saki sitting down on a rock a few feet from where I collapsed, laughing with giddy abandon.

“We did it!” She says, letting out an airy whoop for good measure before starting to pant. “Thought you were going to give out on me there, Mister Nakai.”

“I was,” I start, before stopping to pant, “but your little speech got me moving again. Where did that line come from, by the way? ‘Who dares, wins’, wasn't it?” She lets out a little giggle before replying.

“No idea! Probably just a line from a movie or something. Sounded like the right thing to say, anyway.”

“Yeah, probably.” I turn my gaze out towards the school. From here, I can just about see the other students wandering around the grounds, a few on the roof doing… something… and nobody walking this way to share in our achievements.

Or report us to the Student Council

The sun is just beginning to set over the hills in the distance, making the sky look like a sea of shimmering gold.

We stay like that for a little while, just sitting and trying to catch our breaths. Suddenly, Saki stands up and takes a few steps towards the slope we just walked up before stopping. Then she throws her arms up above her head and whoops again, laughing as though she just won the lottery.

“I fucking made it, world! How do you like me now, huh?” She shouts to the sky, a huge grin plastered across her face, whooping and cheering with the light of the sun dipping low behind the hills setting her hair on fire. I’m left speechless watching and I can feel something leaping in my heart at the sight of this girl, screaming her defiance for all the world to hear and not regretting a second of it.

Beautiful…

I suddenly remember the camera around my neck and quickly snap a picture of her.

No sense letting the moment go to waste.

Unfortunately, it looks like she heard me take the picture and turns to face me, ending the moment.

“Was that really worth wasting the memory on your camera for?” She asks, a playful smile replacing the reckless grin. I blush a little at the comment.

“I’d say so. Not every day that you see someone screaming at the top of her lungs on a random hill in the countryside.” She chuckles this time, a much softer sound compared to the defiant mirth she was unleashing just a second ago.

“Well, it looks like it’s gotten late. Guess we should head back, now.” I nod my assent and stand, following her as she starts back down the hill.

---

We don’t talk for most of the walk back to school. However, as I can just make out the fence around Yamaku through the tree line, Saki suddenly speaks up.

“You know, there’s one thing I always thought would be the ultimate test for me.” I stop for a second, puzzled.

“What do you mean?”

“One day, I’m going to climb a mountain,” She states, smiling wistfully, “It doesn’t have to be Everest or K2 or something, but I’m going to climb a mountain one day and damn any doctors who tell me I can’t do it!” I smile back at her.

“Sounds like you’ve got plans for yourself, then.” She nods.

“No point in just feeling sorry for myself. I’ll do my best to enjoy what I’ve got.” I nod, recalling her little spiel at the festival.

“Every minute is a diamond, right?” She bursts out laughing again.

“You remembered that, then?” I nod and she smiles back before starting back down the path to school.

We part at the dorms, Saki giving a little wave over her shoulder before passing through the door to the Girls’ one. I stand there for a moment, smiling to myself before heading upstairs to my own room.

After collapsing into bed, not even bothering to take off my uniform, I can feel sleep starting to drag me down almost immediately. Before I fall unconscious, though, one last thought flits through my exhausted brain.

I’ll see you at the summit of that mountain, Saki. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Last edited by Alpacalypse on Sun Jun 21, 2015 10:08 am, edited 13 times in total.
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
---
I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
---
I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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Blank Mage
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Re: Reaching the Summit

Post by Blank Mage » Thu Apr 30, 2015 11:26 pm

Oh hey, a thing. I guess I'll comment on it.

Writing is a lot like oatmeal. It's easy to make, and there's not much to it, but if you really want it to be worth eating, you have to add something extra.

You have some solid oatmeal, here. From a technical standpoint, it has all the ingredients you need, and that's still better than most, but without the sugary goodness of stammering, awkward characters, the dried fruit of clever metaphors and similes, the... uh, spicy oatmeal equivalent of snarky inner monologues, it's just a little bland. Not bad, just basic. But it's your first time in the kitchen, and you didn't burn anything. Okay, I'm done with that analogy, I swear.

Now to the praise! There are more than a few spots, particularly Saki's, that are unquestionably good. It has a strong finish despite it's meandering tone. You did a good job nailing Saki's attitude, although if you continue, you'll be going up against Euro, and I don't envy the poor bastard who tries to out-Saki Euro.

Also I just realized Nomiya is basically Slughorn, and the Potter parallels just became a little stronger. Funny, I can't remember the last time I saw him mentioned in a fic. The hate is unanimous.
And we're back.
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"I wish I could convey to you just how socially inept I am, but I can't."
"I think you just did."
"No, I really, truly haven't."

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Re: Reaching the Summit

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri May 01, 2015 3:38 am

A good start, though I'm not a great fan of copying the characterization of non-canon characters from other fan-fictions, since I think it stifles creativity. For Saki specifically every new author seems to copy that "each minute is a diamond" line ^^°

One thing you should keep an eye on is the placement of the line breaks. For one thing there are too few of them, for another sometimes the description of the action is not on the same line as the speaking person. I recently posted about that on the Tips thread, so you might look that up.

Another thing I was surprised about was that this story is apparently supposed to start just the week after the festival. For someone who "never before had an interest in photography" Hisao sure has picked up the intricate details pretty fast if he can hold an hour-long lecture on them.

On the plus side I liked how you (seem to) avoid the cliché of having Hisao get together with the girl whose club he joins. After the first few lines it seemed like this would be a Misaki story :-)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Alpacalypse
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Re: Reaching the Summit

Post by Alpacalypse » Fri May 01, 2015 12:26 pm

First, thanks to those who actually read this thing :D
Now, on to what people have said:
Blank Mage wrote:From a technical standpoint, it has all the ingredients you need, and that's still better than most, but without the sugary goodness of stammering, awkward characters, the dried fruit of clever metaphors and similes, the... uh, spicy oatmeal equivalent of snarky inner monologues, it's just a little bland. Not bad, just basic.
*nods* Had a feeling. Never been the best at coming up with a definitive style for anything - I just make sure the thing works and run with it now if only I could translate that into KSP...
Blank Mage wrote:although if you continue, you'll be going up against Euro, and I don't envy the poor bastard who tries to out-Saki Euro.
I don't have any intention of continuing this. Mainly because I have roughly the same level of dedication as Lucy the Slut from Avenue Q. I really don't want to be competing with EBJ any time soon. Especially not with this piece of crap.
Blank Mage wrote:The hate is unanimous
Indeed it is. Seriously, Nomiya is an arsehole.
Mirage_GSM wrote:though I'm not a great fan of copying the characterization of non-canon characters from other fan-fictions
I can't come up with original ideas to save my life. It's why I don't tend to write much.
Mirage_GSM wrote:For Saki specifically every new author seems to copy that "each minute is a diamond" line
Aww, but I like that line :cry:
Ahem.
On a serious note, I had a feeling people weren't going to like its inclusion, but I felt like it, so I did.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Tips thread
*Slaps self in the face with a mackerel*
Knew there was something I forgot to do before writing this :oops:
Mirage_GSM wrote:Another thing I was surprised about was that this story is apparently supposed to start just the week after the festival.
Yeah, that's just me not specifying anything. In truth, I had no idea when to place this on any timeline, so I left it ambiguous. Side effect of just stream-of-consciousness-ing the whole thing in two sittings - I don't tend to pay much attention to details like that. I'll put some more thought into it.

Anyway, thanks for the constructive criticism. No idea if I'll ever write fanfiction again, but I'll try and remember this stuff for the (possible) next time.
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
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I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
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Re: Reaching the Summit

Post by Rhodri » Fri May 01, 2015 12:37 pm

And now for my totally unbiased opinion...

Image

No seriously, I feel totally honoured at seeing one of my ideas drawing enough of a reaction from someone to inspire them to turn that idea into reality and how I’ve now (in) directly contributed towards the community.

Because of my personal connection to it (and my critical levels of stupidity of the correct structure of the English language for telling a story) I honestly feel that I can’t criticise and give feedback like the senior members of the book club can…except for what Mirage said about "each minute is a diamond". Like I said via PM, I was never much of a fan of Themocaw’s Saki so seeing that line popping up does irk me a bit. Plus, it does hold you back as writer to fall back on that. Would have like a bit more time spent on the stop of the hill like I originally envisioned, but it’s not 100% my baby anymore so I won’t hold that against you. Other than it, thanks you very much for bringing this to fruition! :D :D :D
Mirage_GSM wrote:On the plus side I liked how you (seem to) avoid the cliché of having Hisao get together with the girl whose club he joins. After the first few lines it seemed like this would be a Misaki story :-)
You know what, that’s exactly how I envisioned it in the first place. If I had written it myself, I would have played it to make the reader would think that Misaki would the romantic interest, but it would all turn out to be a red herring. Well done to Alpacalypse for having the same thought process as me! :lol:
"She also ties you up to a chair. You're gonna like that. Chairs are good. Chairs are your friend."

BeeFhGhost, Jan 15th 2012.

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Re: Reaching the Summit

Post by Alpacalypse » Fri May 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Rhodri wrote: Would have like a bit more time spent on the stop of the hill like I originally envisioned:
I actually did want to do that, but I'm terrible at stretching things out whilst keeping them interesting. I knew that it felt short, but I had no idea how to make it longer without just saying the same thing over and over again whilst adding nothing to the story.
Sorry 'bout that.
Rhodri wrote:Well done to Alpacalypse for having the same thought process as me!
You know, people have said the same thing to me before. Apparently, my complete inability to come up with original ideas extends to me being able to read people's minds and steal their ideas :shock: *inception bwah*
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
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I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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Re: Reaching the Summit

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat May 02, 2015 1:25 am

“I just wanted to thank you… for setting me straight at the festival last week.
You did specify...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Reaching the Summit

Post by Alpacalypse » Sat May 02, 2015 2:53 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
“I just wanted to thank you… for setting me straight at the festival last week.
You did specify...
Well...shit.
Better go fix that *face-desk*

Edit: Moved the time forward by a few weeks.
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
---
I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
---
I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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A Curious Meeting

Post by Alpacalypse » Tue May 19, 2015 4:29 am

So, I came up with a new idea.

Big thanks to Blank Mage, for his excellent work in proofreading this thing, and Dewelar, for giving me copious amounts of advice on how to write first-person Hanako.

Enjoy, maybe!

***
A Curious Meeting

I trudge up the stairs to the roof, holding back tears and fighting the urge to crack my skull against the wall in self-loathing.

Damn you, Ikezawa! Why did you run away again? It was just Miki trying to be friendly, you idiot.

“I know that,” I sob to nobody in particular.

Not like anybody would be here to hear it, anyway. Just me.

Of course you do. But since when has that ever made a difference? Pathetic.

I continue dragging my feet up the stairs, trying to shake off the thoughts that my therapist warned me about. There shouldn't be anybody else on the roof. There, I can cry in peace.

Finally reaching the top and staggering onto the small platform there, I open the door slowly. I merely catch a glimpse of honey-coloured hair before darting back inside, the door making a loud squeal as the old hinges move.

Somebody on the roof!
Since when does anybody else come up here?


I stay there for a few minutes, back pressed firmly against the wall, hoping that I can quickly slip out of the door without them noticing. They won’t notice if I keep to the corner behind the skylight. Cautiously, I peek my head out and look at the intruder.

No, not intruder. This roof isn’t your property and you know it, idiot.

I can see her sitting on a bench, not far from the door. Hair that reaches their shoulders, wearing a normal Yamaku girls’ uniform with a cane resting next to them on the bench. Her eyes are a light hazel colour and it looks like she might be wearing earrings, but I can’t quite tell with her hair in the way. She looks far prettier I ever could, regardless. I remember that she sits a few seats over from me in class 1-4, but I can’t remember her name. Not that it matters right now.

The more pressing concern is that those hazel eyes of hers are staring right at me!

I freeze, unable to even dash back down the stairs as she watches me, her mouth forming a perfect “o” in shock. I can see her eyes flick to the right side of my face and prepare myself for her to walk over and start questioning me.

Like everyone does. Surely, you can handle that by now, right?
What am I saying? Of course you can’t, you useless girl.


Then, she does the last thing I’d expect. She smiles at me. Not grinning. Not laughing at me like I’m the funniest joke she’s ever heard. Just a genuine smile.

“Hey,” Her soft voice jolts me out of my petrification and I step out into the doorframe, holding onto it as I do so.

Seriously, Ikezawa? What are you, five years old?

“Nice sunset, right?” I have no idea how I'm supposed to respond to this. I look out over the rooftop and find that the sunset is indeed "nice".

"Are you here to watch too?" Please stop.

It’s just another girl, like you. For God’s sake, say something!

I don’t. The other girl keeps smiling, though.

“You know, I don’t bite. There's plenty of space on this roof and it's not like I own it. You can sit down, if you want.”

Is she... not going to ask?

Every fibre of my being wants to bolt back down the stairs and run back to my room. But, for whatever reason, her voice draws me to stay. The urge to break down into tears seems to be slowly leaving, too.

There has to be a reason she’s sitting here on the roof, not talking with her friends or studying.

As quietly as I think it’s physically possible to be, I edge my way out onto the roof and sidle over to sit on the bench next to hers. As I do so, the mystery girl turns away from me and closes her eyes, her smile growing softer. She looks more relaxed than I've been in years. I lower myself onto the far edge of the bench, as far away as I can from her, keeping my head down. She doesn’t seem to mind.

I look out past the fence and see the sun continuing to dip below the horizon. A few people walking back up the hill towards the school. One or two birds, flitting through the trees at the edge of the grounds. A normal afternoon.

We sit like that for a little while, saying nothing, a smile still perched on her face.

Come on, say something! She invited you over, introduce yourself!
How many more people do you want to hate you, girl?


My mouth starts to twitch open, but before I can whisper whatever forced introduction I had perched on my tongue, she picks up her cane, leans forward on it and places her hands on top of it, resting her cheek on top of them so that she faces me. She opens her eyes, still smiling. I would find it creepy, the way she hasn't stopped smiling since our eyes met, but she seems genuinely at peace with the arrangement.

“I like coming up here at this time of day.The colours are worth skipping homework for.” Her voice makes me jump slightly, but I manage to stop myself from running. She seems not to have noticed at any rate. Instead, she shuffles over to the edge of her bench and reaches her hand towards me. “I’m Saki Enomoto. You?”

The conversation’s wide open. Go on.

“I-Ik-k-kezawa,” I just about manage to stutter out. I don’t shake her hand.

That’s all? Really?
Pathetic, as always.


My litany of self-hate seems to go unnoticed by Enomoto, who merely turns back to look at the setting sun.

“I’ve seen you in class,” she continues, “Sorry that I never introduced myself before. You just… never looked like you wanted to talk to others.”

She’s not entirely wrong.

It would be so much easier to talk to people if they didn't start bombarding me with questions as soon as they walk over.

“N-not really,” I mumble. To that, she nods sagely, closing her eyes.

“You seem like a good person, though.”

Huh? Me? Where’d that assessment come from?

Suddenly, she sighs and drops the smile, looking for a moment like the oldest woman in the world.

“Guess you’ve been through a lot, huh?” she sighs, gesturing to the right side of my face. I flinch instinctively and place my hand over the hair that hides my scars.

“W-w-why do y-you think that I-I’m a g-g-good p-person?” I blurt it out all in one go. The slight frown she gives makes me regret it immediately.

Jeez, that how you’re going to do this? Straight to the point with no coherency? Not going to give the conversation chance to flow at all?
Of course not.


“I-I’m s-s-s-sorry!” I stutter, trying to hide the shade of crimson that my face is turning. Enomoto isn’t fazed though, her smile returning with a more amused air about it. She giggles.

“Sorry for what, exactly? I did say something a little weird, it’s not like it’s wrong to ask me why I said it.” Oh. Right.

Stupid girl. Anyone else would have just asked and waited for an answer. But noooooo. You had to stutter it out like a child being scolded by a teacher and then apologise for nothing. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Enomoto turns away again and picks up her response.

“I don’t really know, to tell you the truth. You just… do. You never ask anything of anyone, do your best to keep your head down and just get on with things. I won’t try to guess at why you’re here, but I will say that, whatever happened, the fact that you keep going is pretty impressive.” She pauses for a moment and lets out a small sigh, dropping her smile again. The way she can change moods seems almost unsettling. “Better than how I handled my problems, anyway.”

I look at her quizzically, before I remember: this is the girl who interacts with people less than I do. While I would have thought somebody as attractive as her would stay behind in class, talking to friends or flirting with boys, she just walks out of the classroom, not looking at anyone. I’ve seen her sitting on benches around the school, staring off into the recesses of her mind. The fact that she noticed me enough to form an opinion is almost as surprising as the fact that she wants to talk to me.

“W-what do you m-mean?”

“Do you know why I’m here? At Yamaku?” I shake my head slowly, Enomoto nodding once in reply. “Should’ve guessed that. Anyway, I have a degenerative disease called spinocerebellar ataxia.” She lists off the words as though they were a shopping list. No enthusiasm, no real feeling behind them. Just words she needs to use to explain her situation.

“There’s no cure for it. I’ll most likely lose control of my legs completely within the next five years or so, then I’ll stop being able to speak. Then I’ll stop breathing and die.” My shocked expression tells her all she needs to know about what I think, and she breaks out into what is possibly the most bitter and self-deprecating grin I've ever seen. “Yeah, not pretty, is it?”

“I-is that w-why you don’t t-talk to people?” Her grin softens a little at that.

“More or less. No sense in making people depressed over me.” She looks down into her lap, not quite obscuring her face. “I'm telling you because… I can’t handle it alone. I've been trying, but it just doesn't work.” As she says it, I can see the tears welling up in her eyes. “You might not be handling things as well as most. But you try. You still come into school every day. And I’d like someone who’s been through a lot already to help… if you can.” She looks me right in the eyes with an expression practically begging me to do something.

This girl, prettier than I could ever hope to be, resorting to spilling her guts to somebody like me because she doesn't want to have anybody miss her, for the mere possibility of maybe, just maybe, finding some hope.

“Can you… tell me how you do it?”

No.
I can’t.


There’s no way I can help this girl. I don’t know what it’s like to be dying slowly. I don’t want to just spout inspirational crap like so many other people would – and have done to me. Even I don't deserve that, much less her. I can’t do it and the look I give her says it all.

Pathetic.

“I got it,” Enomoto says, in a voice that sounds like it’s being forced through a tangle of wires in her throat. She looks away before continuing. “It was a long-shot asking you, anyway. Thanks for listening, though, I guess.”

She stands and makes to leave. As she does, though, I suddenly see something very familiar in her eyes. Besides the tears that she refuses to spill.

Dejection.

The same thing you see in the mirror every day since the end of elementary school. You going to let her go the same way, Ikezawa?

“W-wait,” I whisper, lightly gripping the cuff of her sleeve as she starts to trudge past.

“Huh? What?”

“D-don’t give up like that.”

There. I said it.

She smiles a little at that, though there doesn’t seem to be any more humour in it than her last one.

“You have no idea how many people have said that to me.”

You’re wrong. I’ve heard it too.

“I d-do. I kn-know it’s not that easy. But t-there’s no p-point in not t-trying,” I whisper, sounding the same way she did, “I c-c-can’t help the w-way you want. I wish I w-was b-better. But you c-can be. You’re n-nice. You can m-make friends.”

I can see Enomoto's eyes widening in shock, her face almost a caricature of the emotion. If the situation wasn't so inappropriate, I might have found it funny.

“P-people won’t hate you for m-making them sad. N-not if t-they choose to be your… f-friend.”

I can feel the tears burning my eyes again. But there’s no point stopping now.
One last push.

“D-don’t end up like… m-me, En-n-nomoto.”

The final confession of her superiority over me… of my own worthlessness… weighs on me. But I know it’s true.

I’m not like her.

Finally giving in to it, Ikezawa? Finally going to admit that you’re useless? About ti-

That’s when Enomoto puts her arms around me.

I can't move. I don’t know what to do.

Why is she hugging me?

“H-h-huh?” I manage to stutter out. She doesn’t pull away, but she does loosen her grip slightly.

“Hey, what’s so wrong with being like you?”

What? WHAT?
Did… she just say that…


“I… I d-don’t –“ Before I can finish, she moves backwards, resting her hands on my shoulders and looking me in the eyes. She smiles again. The same smile I saw when I first stepped out onto the roof.

“You’re not so bad, Ikezawa. You bothered to listen to me when no-one else would understand. You wanted to help, even if you weren’t sure how. I could see you wanted to.”

She hugs me again.

“You’re not bad enough to say something like that. Not in a million years.” She stands up straight again, leaning her weight on her cane. I’m speechless.

“You haven’t gone as far as some do. You’re not drinking, abusing painkillers or attempting suicide.” Her expression hardens, clearly recalling something she’s seen before. “People do those things in hospitals. You don’t. You try and live a normal life.” Her face softens again.

“And you’ll get there, one day. I can see it.”

She starts walking off, cane clicking with every step, with a slight limp that I’ve seen in her gait before. Without looking back, Enomoto speaks again.

“Thanks again, Ikezawa. It helps to know somebody’s okay with me being around.”

Just before she reaches the door, she turns around and smiles one last time.

“And call me Saki, okay?”

I wouldn't have expected it when I first arrived here, but I can feel the tiniest of smiles creeping onto my own face.

“H-Hanako.”

“Alright then, Hanako. I’ll be going.” With that, Saki disappears down the stairs, leaving me to stare at the last few minutes of sunset.
The smile, defying all odds, stays on my face.

I don’t think I need to cry anymore.

***

It’s been a few weeks since Saki and I talked on the roof of the school. I’m still not exactly sure how I feel about her. Nor am I sure about how she feels about me.

Not that she would have the time to talk about it. It seems that she makes a new friend every day – I see gradually more people talking with her, laughing along with her, enjoying their time with her like any normal friends would.

I almost wish that I could have become her secret best friend, of sorts. Her confidant, or something along those lines, someone who would be able to help her with her problems. Help her through her… condition, like she wanted. I’m not so naïve that I believe that she would prefer me over one of her other friends, but it’s a nice thought.

As I pack up my bag for the end of the day, waiting for everyone else to leave so as not to be caught in the crush after school, I see her walking by with two of her new friends. I look down as they pass by, but, out of the corner of my eye, I see her smile at me.

Not grinning. Not laughing like I’m the funniest joke she ever heard.

Just smiling.

I tilt my head up, just a little. And I feel the ghost of a smile pass across my face.

Maybe it’s not so bad being me.
Last edited by Alpacalypse on Thu May 21, 2015 5:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
---
I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
---
I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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Re: The Alpaca Dump: Yet Another One-Shot Thread

Post by Blank Mage » Tue May 19, 2015 4:35 am

HaHA, I already read this. I feel privileged 'n stuff.
And we're back.
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Re: The Alpaca Dump: Yet Another One-Shot Thread

Post by HipsterJoe » Wed May 20, 2015 7:28 pm

I thought this was really well written and an enjoyable interaction. Any reason why you decided to set it during their first year? I kind of imagined that Hanako was even more (internally) bitter and gun shy her first year than in the VN.

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Re: The Alpaca Dump: Yet Another One-Shot Thread

Post by Alpacalypse » Thu May 21, 2015 5:08 am

HipsterJoe wrote:I thought this was really well written and an enjoyable interaction. Any reason why you decided to set it during their first year? I kind of imagined that Hanako was even more (internally) bitter and gun shy her first year than in the VN.
The reasoning was actually mainly to do with Saki's character more-so than anything else. Since Learning to Fly is basically my headcanon for Saki (thanks for that, EBJ, now none of my ideas will ever be original where she's involved), I thought that, if she'd stayed as a bitter hermit herself past year 1, it would have been far harder for her to make friends and grow into the person she is by the time Hisao arrives.

Besides which, IIRC Lilly moved into the dorms right at the start of their second year, so there would only have been a short period of time where this interaction would have been able to take place. I say that because, if she had been friends with Lilly at the time of this story, instead of going to the roof to cry over running from Miki, she'd probably have sought out Lilly, or at least though about it. I also wrote that final part of the conversation with the implication that Hanako hadn't or felt she couldn't make any friends, which would be a lie if she'd met Lilly.
There's my reasoning, anyway.
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
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I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
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I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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Monologuing problems

Post by Alpacalypse » Fri May 22, 2015 7:45 am

Question: What happens when a writer reads too much of Munchenhausen's stuff and then has a flashback to a particular scene from George of the Jungle?

Answer: Apparently, this.

Thanks to Identity Crisis for proofreading.

***
Monologuing problems

Hanako: I’m sorry… for making you see this.

There’s no point in denying the obvious. I think what I should say now, and what Hanako wants me to say now, is the truth. What I genuinely, honestly, believe.

Hisao: It doesn’t matter. You’re a wonderful person, Hanako. Your body doesn’t change that.

She looks at me for a long time, her breathing uneven as she tries to remain steady amidst the emotions we’re both feeling. It feels less like she’s looking at me than she’s looking through me.

I slowly walk towards her, and gently place my hands on her shoulders as she lets go of her blouse. She gasps a little; not in fright, but in simple startlement.

Being so close to her causes my mind to become a jumble of feelings. The scarring on her shoulder, plain to see and leather-like to the touch, conflicts strangely with her otherwise soft skin and silky dark hair.

Hanako is a girl, with all that entails. She’s taller than usual for a woman, but still has curves in all the right places. The nape of her neck, just visible thanks to her hair slung over her shoulder, is alluring.

Hanako: I know… that I’m not pretty… like Lilly. I just… wanted you… to see me. The real me.

Hisao: I’ve already seen the real you, though. You didn’t need to take off your clothes for that.

Her lips are open, just a little. She lets out a sharp breath as-

Hisao: Wait, what am I thinking? This is a terrible idea.

I step back for a moment, unwilling to show Hanako a sign that I truly love her. Instead, my hand makes its way to my-

Hisao: You know, I can see what you’re trying to do here. It’s not going to happen.

In my moment of insanity, it appears that I have started talking to myself. I must be addled with the lust that I feel for-

Hisao: Okay, now I’ve had it. Shut up, please, for the love of God.

Monologue: Shit.

Hanako: H-Hisao… who are you t-talking to?

Hisao: It seems like it’s been going on since I had my heart attack, but I’ve been hearing this weird voice, telling me everything that I think over again.

Hanako: Y-you can hear it too?

Hisao: Eh?

Hanako: Every time I’m with you… I could swear that I can hear everything you’re thinking. I… thought it was… maybe me just trying to see myself… through your eyes. B-but… if you c-can hear it too… then there must be something else going on.

Monologue: I can’t believe this! This is not how things were supposed to happen. You were supposed to kiss, have misguided sex, and then have a gut-wrenching confession in the park tomorrow!

Hisao: Why the hell would we do that?

Monologue: Listen here, kid, you don’t get too call the shots around here, I do. I don’t have to explain myself to you and you do whatever I say. This is my story! I am your God! Now…

She lets out a sharp breath as, without thinking, I breathlessly press my lips to-

Hanako: Hisao, it looks like t-there’s a small… person… floating by your ear.

Hisao: So there is!

Hanako: G-gotcha!

Monologue: What the fuck are you doing? Let go of me right now! I’m the internal monologue! I’m the whole reason this story is engaging in the first place!

Hisao: What the hell do you mean “story”?

Monologue: Since you apparently haven’t noticed, your whole life since your heart attack has been part of a visual novel video game intended to be played by people on the internet with no social lives who want to see what it’s like to fall in love because the chances of it ever happening to them are roughly zero.

Hisao: Exactly what do you have to drink to come up with that kind of bullshit?

Monologue: Nothing! I’m supposed to be off my shift after this and I was planning on going drinking with the writers once this is done! Now, you will have sex for all the wrong reasons, you will be extremely awkward around each other tomorrow and you will have an even more awkward and painful confession in the park followed by kiss containing a reference to a previous iteration of this route where Hanako got pregnant!

Hanako: B-but… why?

Monologue: For the sake of the story!

Hanako: Get out of m-my room.

Monologue: You don’t get to order me around, girly.

Hanako: Hisao, could you open the window, p-please?

Monologue: Hey, wait, what are you doing? I-It’s okay, I could probably get the writers to have a much nicer sex scene for you two. Please?
Oh, god, no, I won’t survive a drop like that, please don’t drop me, please do- AAAAAHHHH!

Hisao: Well, that takes care of that.

Hanako: Y-yeah…

And so, Hanako put her clothes back on and the two talked out the problems they’d been having like normal humans would. As luck would have it, they were both observant enough to see why they had been having problems getting closer to one another and decided to try their best to get past their insecurities and support each other when necessary.

They ended the longest conversation either of them had ever had with an embrace, a kiss and a request from Hanako for Hisao to sleep by her, which he gratefully accepted.

Lying next to each other, in the dark, Hisao took Hanako’s hand and said what he’d been meaning to say for the whole evening:

Hisao: Hanako, I’m pretty sure there’s another of those things floating around here.

Hanako looked around the room, and saw it, but did nothing. As such a kind, sweet girl, she could not bear to harm such a defenceless creature, and told Hisao “you must be imagining things”.

Hanako: N-not on your life. G-get out.

Narrator: Dammit.
Last edited by Alpacalypse on Fri May 22, 2015 9:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
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I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
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I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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Mirage_GSM
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Location: Germany

Re: The Alpaca Dump: Yet Another One-Shot Thread (updt 22/5/

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri May 22, 2015 7:53 am

Well, that was fun.
And in this case I'll even forgive the script format, though it might have been more of a challenge to find out what's happening without it...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Blank Mage
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Location: My own personal hell, with a metered internet connection.

Re: The Alpaca Dump: Yet Another One-Shot Thread (updt 22/5/

Post by Blank Mage » Fri May 22, 2015 9:13 am

If you haven't played The Stanley Parable yet, please do that immediately.

*I had the idea of some creepy otaku sitting outside their window for the sex scene. "The HELL are you?!" "A Hanabro.... so moe..." "LEAVE!" "Haha, Misstep." "SHUT UP!"
And we're back.
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"I wish I could convey to you just how socially inept I am, but I can't."
"I think you just did."
"No, I really, truly haven't."

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