Mask Off: A Molly Route (Update 3/8)

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Path
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Mask Off: A Molly Route (Update 3/8)

Post by Path » Mon Apr 20, 2015 12:01 am

Hey, this is my first attempt at writing fanfiction, or any story to be honest.
Feedback and criticism are welcome, because I can't improve if no one spots my mistakes.
Thanks.


Table of Contents
Act 1: Life Expectancy
Scene 1: Covalent Bond (This post)
Scene 2: Innervision
Scene 3: Strange Terrain

Act 2: Body
Scene 1: Daily Routine
Scene 2: Inner Shade
Scene 3: Runners High
Scene 4: Bits and Pieces
Scene 5: These Girls
Scene 6:Centipede
Scene 7: Here With You Again
Scene 8: Alone by You Side



Act 1: Life Expectancy
Scene 1: Covalent Bond
Hisao has to find a new partner while the Student Council is away.


I walk to class after taking an exceptionally long time in the shower. While I’m not a morning person, I think I’m going to continue with running for a couple of days to get the Nurse off my back. I don’t really dislike running, especially considering that my running partner is Emi. She’s pretty cute despite being the Nurse’s “spy”.

I look at my watch: five minutes before classes begin for the day. I should hurry up and get to class, but I’m enjoying the gentle morning breeze and the sun rays before being cooped indoors like I was back at the hospital. It’s such a shame too, because it looks as though it’s a good day to spend outdoors and take a nap on the grass.

I make it to class a minute before it’s about to start. I see Mutou at his desk rummaging through his bag for something. He’s probably looking for today’s lesson plan. We make eye contact and he gives me his interpretation of a reassuring smile. I nod back.

“Nakai, how are you doing today?” he asks.

“Good, I guess,” I reply with a half-smile of my own, “Just a little tired from waking up early to go for a morning run.”

“Good that you are getting some exercise before class.”

“Yeah…”

He just looks at me, unsure if he wants to say something. Before he can say anything, the bell rings and Mutou looks relieved to hear it as much as I do.

“Well then, take your seat.”

“Yes sir.”

I trudge to my seat and notice Shizune and Misha are not in theirs. I breathe a sigh of relief; I don’t think I can handle another day with them pestering me to join the student council. Maybe I can have a proper day without having to interact with anyone. Just a normal school day for once.

Mutou, looking somewhat frustrated that he couldn’t find his lesson plan, says we are doing group work for the rest of class. Lovely. Sure, I’ll have to find someone else to help me, but at least I can relax and catch up with what we’re learning without Misha trying to rope me into the Student Council at Shizune’s behest

As I reach in my bag to grab my book, I sense someone approaching my desk. I slowly look up, and it’s the girl who sits in front of me. This girl is missing her legs and has prosthetics. Unlike Emi, the mocha colored girl standing in front of me has metal prosthetics that don't really resemble normal legs. They look like metal bones that connect without the need of muscles.

I guess I’m not subtle at staring at her legs, or lack of, to say the least, as she waves her hand to get my attention. She gives me an uncomfortable smile. I still don’t know how I should act around students with noticeable disabilities. I hope I stop staring or else my only friend will be Kenji. I wince at the thought of hanging out with Kenji and his plans to stop the feminists.

“Nakai, right?” she asks with a smile on her face.

“Yes,” I answer. “How can I help you?”

“Well one of my partners is absent and the other one is…well asleep,” she replies, pointing to the girl with blue hair that’s passed out on her desk.

“Well it looks like we are in the same dilemma, as my partners are absent as well.”

“I was wondering, that since our partners are occupied with other matters, would it be okay if we partner up for today?”

“I don’t see why not. It would be nice to do work without being pressured to join the Student Council,” I say half sarcastically.

She giggles at my comment and smiles.

“Great!” she says is an enthusiastic tone.

I don’t even know if I know her name, or anyone else’s name for that matter besides Shizune, Misha and Hanako (who is nowhere to be seen as well).

“I’m sorry, but I forgot to ask you your name.”

“Kapur. Molly Kapur.”

“Shall we get started on our work then, Kapur?”

“You can call me Molly, everyone else does.”

“Okay.”

As we work together to solve these problems, I can’t help myself from staring at Molly. She has her black hair done in two braids that end just past her shoulders, while the rest of her hair sticks up from random spots. She has spiky bangs with two red hair clips on her left braid. It suits her well for some reason. But the one feature that sticks out the most, are her eyes. They are a very dark color, almost an onyx color. I can almost see my reflection in her eyes; I must have been staring at them for too long, as she notices me staring and gives an uncomfortable smile.

“Is there something on my face?” she asks nervously.

“No, I was stuck on number 19 and got lost in concentration,” I reply. “I don’t remember if we covered this in class or not.”

“Oh,” she returns. “The answer is covalent bonding. It was part of our reading we had to do for homework.”

“Ah, I was too busy yesterday to even look at it.”

“It’s okay,” she says reassuringly. “Everyone is busy setting up for the school festival, so the teachers are giving us some slack on the homework. Just make sure you catch up,” she continues with a smile on her face, “we have tests coming up and they are not going to let us get off that easy.”

“Can do,” I respond, returning a smile of my own.

I didn’t notice before, but Molly has a slight accent. It’s barely noticeable, but it’s there. Her accent is very pleasant to the ears and has a sort of hypnotic tone to it.

“How does it feel not having the Student Council besides you today?” she asks out of the blue.

“Quiet comes to mind,” I say with an exaggerated sigh of relief.

We both giggle at my comment and Mutou looks at us with a curious look on his face; before he can ask what’s so funny, he’s cut short by a classmate walking up to him to ask a question.

“You plan on joining the Student Council?”

“I was thinking of giving it a shot, so I can get them off my back.”

“Yeah, most students leave after the first week. Hakamachi’s power trip in running the Student Council wards them off from sticking around.”

“Interesting…” is all I can muster, as I begin to get curious about what Molly just said.

“They had an argument before class started. It was with the class representative of 3-2; about some forms that needed to be turned in today for the school festival.”

“They did? I bet it went south real quick.”

“Yup. Not to get too much into detail, but they left with the class representative to get the forms.”

“Well that explains why they are not here.”

Molly nods to confirm.

It’s true that Shizune is bossy and wants everything to go her way, but maybe as Student Council President, she really does know what is best for the school. Either way, I wish they would leave me alone so I can see if there any other clubs that I can join. Maybe I can go around seeing if there are any clubs activities today.

We spend the rest of the period in silence, except for the occasional question about the work assignment. Occasionally, we trade glances at each other and both look away when we make eye contact. The work is easy, as it was one of the subjects that I read while I was in the hospital. I can’t explain why, but science always seems to click with me better than other subjects do. We finish the work with ease, with three minutes left before the bell rings, signifying the start of the lunch period.

I wonder how I will spend lunch today. Lilly offered for me to join her and Hanako for tea and lunch anytime I want, but I am not feeling up to it, as I don’t think Hanako is comfortable around me, especially with what happened the other day between us. Alas, since Shizune and Misha are not around, I can feel relieved, as I won’t be pestered to join the Student Council. But I cannot lie that I miss their company. As I contemplate on how I will spend lunch, I notice Molly is looking at me, as if she wants to ask something.

“What’s up?” I ask.

“I was wondering,” she begins, “if you have any plans for lunch?”

“I was thinking I would spend it in the cafeteria and try to see if I can spot someone familiar,” I answer.

“Oh,” she replies.

“What do you have in mind?”

“I thought maybe you would like to join me for lunch. I made extra and thought maybe you’d like a homemade meal as thanks for partnering up with me today.”

“That sounds good, but you don’t have to repay me for partnering up with you.”

“O-okay,” she responds, as if she had been declined.

“But a homemade meal does sound appealing compared to the food offered at the cafeteria,“ I reassure her. ”I guess I can take your offering as some sort of payment,” I joke.

She turns away for a second as soon as the words leave my mouth, as if to hide her slight blushing. She turns back after a few seconds.

“Don’t expect me to offer you lunch again, if you going to act like that,” she says in a teasing manner, with a slight hint of embarrassment.

As soon as she says that, the lunch bell rings. I pack up my stuff along with the rest of the class, who are relieved to leave for lunch.

“Lead the way,” I say to Molly.

“Will do,” she says back, with a smile on her face.









Next Scene: Inner Vision
Last edited by Path on Fri Mar 09, 2018 1:51 am, edited 21 times in total.

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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by brythain » Mon Apr 20, 2015 1:01 am

There's a pleasant tone, although word choice is sometimes problematic (e.g. as if she'd been declined - like a bad credit card! - instead of 'rejected'). What I'm sad about is they went off without bothering about Suzu. :(

Also, while it's sort of permissible with Hisao, our generic protagonist, there's a lack of affect in Molly's speech - she's very subdued, a bit lacking in differentiating aspects. You can't tell it's Molly and not generic girl X. This isn't a case of you not getting it 'right' (since there isn't a canon Molly), but about you making her deliver words rather plainly and obviously.

It's a promising start, but not enough to tell exactly what is being promised. :D
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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by Path » Mon Apr 20, 2015 1:43 am

brythain wrote:There's a pleasant tone, although word choice is sometimes problematic (e.g. as if she'd been declined - like a bad credit card! - instead of 'rejected'). What I'm sad about is they went off without bothering about Suzu. :(
I'm adjusting to write a story rather than a essay, so some of word choice sound weird because I'm use to adding more words to make it longer. So I'm trying to change that my mind set.

With not bothering Suzu, when I look at the picture of class 3-3, there's 18 students and when they do class work, it's in group of 3. So Hanako's group, they might be use to working with just 2, so I made it that Suzu's group does the same.
brythain wrote:Also, while it's sort of permissible with Hisao, our generic protagonist, there's a lack of affect in Molly's speech - she's very subdued, a bit lacking in differentiating aspects. You can't tell it's Molly and not generic girl X. This isn't a case of you not getting it 'right' (since there isn't a canon Molly), but about you making her deliver words rather plainly and obviously.
I could have made Molly's lines more defining who she is, but I think i was focusing more setting up the scenario of their encounter. Hopefully, I'm able to give more character to Molly in the next chapter, as I'm still working it out on how I interpret Molly. So she might be generic for another chapter more or less. Thanks for feedback, I'll take it into consideration when writing the next scene.

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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by PrymaL » Mon Apr 20, 2015 7:18 am

I quite liked this, Molly intrigued me the first time I saw the class photo and I'm glad that someone is doing something with her.. Even though there's probably something else already... (I haven't really looked!)
brythain wrote:Also, while it's sort of permissible with Hisao, our generic protagonist, there's a lack of affect in Molly's speech - she's very subdued, a bit lacking in differentiating aspects. You can't tell it's Molly and not generic girl X. This isn't a case of you not getting it 'right' (since there isn't a canon Molly), but about you making her deliver words rather plainly and obviously.
I could have made Molly's lines more defining who she is, but I think i was focusing more setting up the scenario of their encounter. Hopefully, I'm able to give more character to Molly in the next chapter, as I'm still working it out on how I interpret Molly. So she might be generic for another chapter more or less. Thanks for feedback, I'll take it into consideration when writing the next scene.

I agree with you here Path, I don't think a first chapter with someone should really define someone in their entirety.

Anyway, Good job, I'm watching this now :D

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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by HoneyBakedHam » Mon Apr 20, 2015 11:13 am

As far as Molly routes start off, this one is better than the other attempts made.

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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Apr 20, 2015 11:53 am

There are a few instances where words are missing their final letter, but that might be just typos rather than real mistakes:
...Kenji and his plans to stop the feminists.
It would be nice to do work without being pressured to join the Student Council
“Don’t expect me to offer you lunch again, if you're going to act like that,”

Missing word:
he’s cut short by a classmate walking up to him to ask a question.
Besides that the technical side is okay. There are a few stylistic tweaks that could be made, but nothing that needs to be pointed out here.
With not bothering Suzu, when I look at the picture of class 3-3, there's 18 students and when they do class work, it's in group of 3. So Hanako's group, they might be use to working with just 2, so I made it that Suzu's group does the same.
I don't think Hanako would work in any group, so they are more likely working in groups of 2-3 people.
I agree with you here Path, I don't think a first chapter with someone should really define someone in their entirety.
No, not entirely. You don't even have to show the reader anything about her character quirks in the first chapter - the situation here is generic enough for you to get away with that.

However you should know about her character quirks, speech patterns etc. before writing (or at least posting) the first chapter, and you probably should have more about her character in your mind than "Indian girl with no legs".

Because if you decide on stuff like this after chapter 5 you will likely have to make a lot of retroactive edits to make her character consistent.
I think that's what brytain meant to tell you.
Last edited by Mirage_GSM on Mon Apr 20, 2015 12:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by Gajzla » Mon Apr 20, 2015 11:54 am

Not a bad start, I agree with brythain the dialogue seems a bit robotic in places, like he says you could replace Molly with any girl at the moment, but i’m sure that will improve in time.
Path wrote: as I'm still working it out on how I interpret Molly. So she might be generic for another chapter more or less. Thanks for feedback, I'll take it into consideration when writing the next scene.
As a word of advice you might want to flush out Molly before you post the next chapter, even if it's only in your head. Otherwise you have a character suddenly coming down with an incurable case of personalty =P. When I write my main character (Miki) is completely in my head, but all my other characters have their own descriptions in a separate document, to help me remember how they would react.

Other than that a good start, looking forward to reading more.

Edit: What Mirage said. =P

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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by Path » Mon Apr 20, 2015 12:20 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:There are a few instances where words are missing their final letter, but that might be just typos rather than real mistakes:
...Kenji and his plans to stop the feminists.
It would be nice to do work without being pressured to join the Student Council
“Don’t expect me to offer you lunch again, if you're going to act like that,”

Missing word:
he’s cut short by a classmate walking up to him to ask a question.
Besides that the technical side is okay. There are a few stylistic tweaks that could be made, but nothing that needs to be pointed out here.
With not bothering Suzu, when I look at the picture of class 3-3, there's 18 students and when they do class work, it's in group of 3. So Hanako's group, they might be use to working with just 2, so I made it that Suzu's group does the same.
I don't think Hanako would work in any group, so they are more likely working in groups of 2-3 people.
I agree with you here Path, I don't think a first chapter with someone should really define someone in their entirety.
No, not entirely. You don't even have to show the reader anything about her character quirks in the first chapter - the situation here is generic enough for you to get away with that.

However you should know about her character quirks, speech patterns etc. before writing (or at least posting) the first chapter, and you probably should have more about her character in your mind than "Indian girl with no legs".

Because if you decide on stuff like this after chapter 5 you will likely have to make a lot of retroactive edits to make her character consistent.
I think that's what brytain meant to tell you.

I tend to miss words when I write in general, only to notice it later on. I'll try to look out for them in the future.

Well I originally planned scene 1 and 2 to be one, but writing the the second part, I wasn't satisfy with how it went and am rewriting it again. But I do have the idea on how I will portray Molly and hopefully get it across in the next scene. Thanks a lot.

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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by Alpacalypse » Mon Apr 20, 2015 12:23 pm

Huh, two Molly routes in the space of one month. Fancy that :/

Anyway, on to the story: looks like it might be alright. I am going to agree with what everyone's already said and say that characters need to be understood before they can be written, acted, animated etc.
Your Molly does seem pretty generic at the moment. Granted, we've seen only the very openings of what she has to say, but there isn't much in the way of unique flavour to her.

I'd say that you might be starting out a tad ambitious for your first attempt at fan-fiction, but that remains to be seen.
All I've got left to say is that I'll read what you put out in your next few updates before making any final judgements. In the meantime, I'll be waiting for more. Please continue. :)
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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by Feurox » Mon Apr 20, 2015 12:51 pm

“What’s up?” I ask.

“I was wondering,” she begins, “if you have any plans for lunch?”

“I was thinking I would spend it in the cafeteria and try to see if I can spot someone familiar,” I answer.

“Oh,” she replies.

“What do you have in mind?”

“I thought maybe you would like to join me for lunch. I made extra and thought maybe you’d like a homemade meal as thanks for partnering up with me today.”

“That sounds good, but you don’t have to repay me for partnering up with you.”

“O-okay,” she responds, as if she had been declined.

“But a homemade meal does sound appealing compared to the food offered at the cafeteria,“ I reassure her. ”I guess I can take your offering as some sort of payment,” I joke.

She turns away for a second as soon as the words leave my mouth, as if to hide her slight blushing. She turns back after a few seconds.

“Don’t expect me to offer you lunch again, if you going to act like that,” she says in a teasing manner, with a slight hint of embarrassment.

As soon as she says that, the lunch bell rings. I pack up my stuff along with the rest of the class, who are relieved to leave for lunch.

“Lead the way,” I say to Molly.

“Will do,” she says back, with a smile on her face.
I'm somewhat guilty of this myself, but you used a lot of "She's and I's", which made this last little bit drone on essentially, at least to me.
Huh, two Molly routes in the space of one month. Fancy that :/
Great minds think alike. Welcome to the winning team buddy! :wink:


Ehem. Anyway
as a word of advice you might want to flush out Molly before you post the next chapter, even if it's only in your head.
Adding to this discussion, I think this is good feedback. If you haven't already, I would recommend constructing a plan of both events and feelings, and corresponding that with the events of Yamaku, like the three day weekend, (for immersion sake at least, doubt people would be too upset if you didn't.) As oppose to my molly route you've taken a Hisao option, so you'll have to remember to keep both features of wet towel Hisao and his love of mundane, as well as realistic interactions where we learn about who your Molly is. Basically,and example, don't tell us she's arrogant, show us it instead. (That sort of thing.)

As far as Molly routes start off, this one is better than the other attempts made.


:evil: Well.

I kid I kid. :lol:

Concluding, looking forward to this being continued, always good to see things from another perspective, the same coin, but a different light and what not. :) Though honestly, I'm hoping our coins are still different. :roll:

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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by Critical115 » Mon Apr 20, 2015 4:16 pm

As stated before, Molly could be flushed out a bit, but it's good overall. I'm looking forward to the next part.
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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by Yukarin » Mon Apr 20, 2015 4:38 pm

I like this. This is nice.

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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Mon Apr 20, 2015 6:02 pm

Can't add anything else that someone hasn't already said, but pretty much agree with their points, like Molly feeling like a more defined character. I'll follow this because I tend to like Molly, though I don't have much to comment on the story itself yet.
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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by YutoTheOrc » Sat Apr 25, 2015 7:46 pm

A few minor missing words here
Path wrote:before being coop indoors
Do you mean cooped?
 being pressure to join
Pressured to join?
 walking up him to 
walking up to him?

Sorry to be a buzz kill there :wink: Anyway, as for the content I look forward to reading more. Update soon I want to know whats on the menu. :D

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Re: "Can you open your mind?" A Molly Pseudo-Route

Post by Oddball » Fri May 01, 2015 2:20 pm

You're not really off to that great of a start. Molly feels rather generic and the reasons Hisao has for even interacting with her amount to “all the interesting character were doing something else.”
No, not entirely. You don't even have to show the reader anything about her character quirks in the first chapter - the situation here is generic enough for you to get away with that.
I don't entirely agree with this. Your first chapter needs to give people a reason to want to continue reading. You don't have to show all her character quirks, no, but you DO have to show enough of her personality that she strikes the reader as being interesting enough to come back to.
As a word of advice you might want to flush out Molly before you post the next chapter, even if it's only in your head.
There's no might. If you're going to write even a single scene for a character you need to understand who they are, how they behave, what they want, and all that.
So Hanako's group, they might be use to working with just 2, so I made it that Suzu's group does the same.
Hanako's group consists of Hanako, and sometimes she just leaves instead.
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