And Now For Something Completely Different...

[HipsterJoe]

Inspired by my own bouts of insomnia, I came up with this while jogging. Without further ado, I present the following from the depths of my sleep and oxygen deprived mind:

Apologies in advance

------------------

Rolling onto my side, I glance at my alarm clock. The red numbers glow dimly, mocking my wakefulness. Feeling too warm and restless, I push the covers down and sit up. I’ve already been tossing around for an hour and I can tell by this point that my insomnia has claimed another night of sleep from me. Flicking on the bedside lamp, I glance at the multitude of pill bottles on my nightstand in disgust.

Realizing that sitting in my room uselessly is a waste, I quickly throw on my running clothes, grab my key and make my way out of the dorm. From past experience, I know this walk will not help me be any more drowsy, but it often clears my mind enough that I can study afterwords. I gain a modicum of satisfaction by turning my brain’s betrayal into something productive.

Without a destination in mind, I wander the school grounds on autopilot. During my previous insomniatic walks, I discovered that the grounds only have a single guard at night and that he keeps to the area surrounding the girl’s dorm. I know that if I head towards the gate, I don’t have to worry about being bothered.

*clink*

At the unexpected sound, I stop. The sound seems to have come from the top of the wall up ahead, but neither the predawn sky nor the burned out lamp post provide any illumination. The sound was distinctly metallic and I cannot imagine it being made by a squirrel or raccoon. As I stand listening for it to repeat, I freeze as I see three faint green points of light rise above the wall. The first thing that pops into my mind is the cover of a videogame I had played a number of years back. The fact that the lamp post is out suddenly seems a lot more sinister.

Unable to see the figure attached to the night-vision goggles, I simply watch the lights finish scaling the wall and slowly lower to the ground. As the skulker begins to walk towards the campus buildings, I decide that this situation is too ridiculous for me. Walking quickly towards him, I call out, “Kenji, what the—”


Before I can finish, I feel a sudden blow to my chest that knocks me to the ground. As I lay stunned by the sudden violence, my heart starts to pound. Realizing I needed to focus, I try to take slow, steady breaths. I’m determined not to allow Kenji to give me my second heart attack. Fortunately, either that determination or my morning runs with Emi cause my heart to settle into its normal rhythm.

“Oh no, Hicchan,” I hear a distinct feminine voice quietly moan from above me.

“Misha!” I shout in surprise.

“Quiet!” she demands in a whisper. She drops to her knees and reaches her hand to cover my mouth. “I’ll go get a nurse, just stay here. I’m so sorry~.”

“No, no, I’ll be fine,” I quietly say in a rush. Seeing her hand pause, I continue, “You can whisp— No, that’s not what’s important here. Why are you doing a Kenji impression?”

“A Kenji impression… Hicchan~, did you bump your head when you fell?” Misha says worriedly.

“That’s not it. I mean why are you sneaking around in night-vision goggles at this ungodly hour?”

“It’s a secret. I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. Wahahaha~!” Hearing her distinctive laugh at a normal volume is almost more unsettling than her threat. “It’d be a shame if your pills were to somehow get mixed up.”

“I get it! I get it! This never happened,” I say hurriedly. “No need to go all Nurse.”

I see the night-vision goggles cock to the side when I mention Nurse. Deciding to ignore my comment, Misha then grabs my hand and stands up before helping me to my feet.

“Well, it’s a promise then~!” Misha declares giving my hand an energetic shake.

“Before I forget all this, I just want to say one thing. I never expected this from you. You’re usually so dea… umm, I mean, loud that it’s hard to imagine you sneaking around,” I say as she turns towards the dorms and starts walking.

“That’s the point, Hicchan~! I’m like the Spanish Inquisition~! Wahahaha~!”

The green lights come into view again as she looks over her shoulder. I have absolutely no idea what she has to do with a foreign church, but deciding I’d rather not know, I simply stare at her blankly.

“Maybe if you watched more English shows, you wouldn’t be so bad at the subject.” The non-sequitur is faint as she gets farther away. “Good night, Hicchan~.”

I remain standing in place trying desperately to process what just happened. The fact that a conversation with Kenji would have made more sense than whatever just happened is simply too much for my sleep deprived mind. I decide not thinking about this whole incident is the only sane recourse.

*squawk*

From the ground, I hear another unexpected noise. With a sense of foreboding, I squat down and begin to feel around on the ground. My hand brushes across a small, oddly shaped plastic doodad that I realize is an earbud. I nearly drop it when it emits another quiet burst of static.

Placing it in my ear, I hear, “...ent Pink, I...I repeat, do you c...opy? Have you been c...ompromised?”

“What in the…” I mutter to myself in shock.

“Who is this?! Oh, no! Ivegottogodoso—” Before I can hear the rest of the statement, I feel an impact to the back of my head and the world fades to black.

—-

*bang, bang, bang*

Rolling onto my side, I glanced at the alarm clock. Noticing the time, I catapult out of bed and begin reaching for my running clothes. The pounding that had just awoken me could only be one person.


“I’m sorry, Emi! I’m sorry! You know my insomnia causes me to oversleep. I’ll be out in a minute!” I frantically call through the door. “Please don’t make me run extra laps.”

“It’s one lap for every 30 seconds you stay in there,” she yells back.

To my surprise, my running clothes are not folded over my chair where I remembered placing them before bed. My harried gaze sweeps the room unsuccessfully. Throwing open the closet door, I breathe a small sigh of relief as I see them hanging within. As I reach to grab them, I feel an unexpected soreness in my chest. Shaking my head, I wonder how I managed to bruise myself while sleeping. As I start getting dressed, I ponder a second mystery. I feel exhausted, but I don’t remember insomnia waking me up last night.

My thoughts are cut short by Emi pounding on the door and calling out, “Are you planning on running an extra mile today Hisao?”

Pulling up my shorts, I scramble across the room to throw open the door and start my day.

[brythain]

At least he didn't reach out to take his morning pills, wonder why they seemed to look a bit different... and join Emi on the running track...

Good one! (Yeah, I'm a Pythonista too!)

[HipsterJoe]

(Yeah, I'm a Pythonista too!)

I work with code way too much apparently. My first assumption was this referred to the programming language and I was ridiculously confused. TL;DR: I'm an idiot.

Thanks for reading and glad you enjoyed it.

[Alpacalypse]

Monty Python reference

Whoo! Fellow Pythonistas on this forum

Anyways, I kinda liked this one. I'm always up for something dumb (probably why I look through Munch's artwork thread, actually), and this one was certainly interesting.
On the other hand, why the hell was Hanako involved in the feminist conspiracy? Was that the feminist conspiracy? Is Emi in on it too? Is Lilly? Was Misha actually trying to sneak a peek through Shizune's window while she was undressing and Hanako is helping because she's a closet perv and bisexual?
You know what, I'm gonna shut up now.

Oh well, nice work. *tips hat* I look forward to anything else you may put together in future.

[Gajzla]

"We are the knights that say... Wahahaha~!"

I liked this, though i’m not sure I would trust Misha with something as important as the feminist conspiracy. Either that or her and Hanako are experimenting and want to keep it super secret from the ever seeing eyes of the student council.

[Mirage_GSM]

Either that or her and Hanako are experimenting and want to keep it super secret from the ever seeing eyes of the student council.

You know that is probably the most plausible explanation for all this

[flag_hippo]

I think that Hisao should stop eating Crunchy Frogs right before he goes to bed.

[HipsterJoe]

On the other hand, why the hell was Hanako involved in the feminist conspiracy? Was that the feminist conspiracy? Is Emi in on it too? Is Lilly? Was Misha actually trying to sneak a peek through Shizune's window while she was undressing and Hanako is helping because she's a closet perv and bisexual?

Either that or her and Hanako are experimenting and want to keep it super secret from the ever seeing eyes of the student council.

*Furtively s̶t̶e̶a̶l̶s̶ becomes inspired with future story ideas*

I'm just gonna say your explanations are way better than what I had in mind. Not sure what it says about this forum that everyone assumes its for sex...

This got a way better response than I was expecting. Thanks for being so welcoming everyone.

[Alpacalypse]

I'm just gonna say your explanations are way better than what I had in mind. Not sure what it says about this forum that everyone assumes its for sex...

Glad you enjoyed my bullshit.
In all seriousness, though, I have been ruined by the internet.

This got a way better response than I was expecting. Thanks for being so welcoming everyone.

Yeah, this is probably one of the most welcoming places I've ever been on the internet. Welcome, please place your bags by the index, Silentcook or one of the other staff will be here shortly to show you to your room, etc etc, please enjoy your stay!