Separation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

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PrymaL
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Separation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by PrymaL » Tue Apr 14, 2015 6:53 am

I finally finished the first chapter of my first ever FanFic :D

I'm not too sure about this chapter, but I still hope that you guys like it.
Will try to get the next chapter out within a fortnight.

Any Comments/Feedback would be lovely.

Without further ado, enjoy the chapter :)


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Chapter 1 - The Day After the Night Before -

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Her words hit me like I had run face first into a cement wall at 100kmph,
"and I... I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE!"

I can't believe this, does she hate me? She must if she could yell at me like that.. I've made her hate me.. The girl I thought I loved..

These thoughts cloud my mind as i slowly make my way back to my dorm room, shuffling my feet slowly as if I have 50 kilo weights attached to each foot, I can't even bring myself to look up from my feet. I thought I was doing the right thing.. What did I do wrong? Did I even do anything wrong?

As I make my up the stairs to my floor, I can feel the warm sensation of tears starting to well up behind my eyes. Down the hall towards my room, as I get within two meters of my room I can hear the sound of locks being unlocked behind me

"Not know Kenji, please don't come out" I think to myself as his bedroom door slowly opens.

As his glasses slowly peek through the gap that has been made I hear his voice sound out
"Who's there?! I know there's someone out here," Without replying I slowly unlock my bedroom door, not wanting to talk or even acknowledge Kenji's presence.
"YOU CAN"T SNEAK UP ON ME YOU FILTHY FEMINISTS!" I hear Kenji yell loud enough to wake the entire floor as I walk into my room. Turning on my light, the bright shine hurts my eyes as they try to adept to the change in the luminescence of the room. Looking around I feel nothing but pain. From the bottles of pills on my dresser, reminding me of my own mortality to the opened letter that Iwanako sent me weeks ago. My thoughts still reside with what happened only minutes ago, even though it feels like hours to me. Finally the tears burst through and I start crying.

Falling forwards onto my bed I sob into my pillow, holding it like one would hold a lover or a parent.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.... what have I done? Can I really have pushed her away?" These thoughts shroud my mind as my tears soak into the fabric of my pillow. As the tears start to dry up I feel this sense of exhaustion creeping up on me, engulfing my head as darkness takes me into the eternal pit of slumber.

I see her face, I see her eyes, that terrible hatred burning in them, focusing all the hatred her small body could hold, focusing it all straight at me, trying with her might to burn me with the hatred she feels for me

*GASP* I wake with a start. A cold sweat on my head and my heart beating faster than a drumline beat

Thump Thump Th Thump
Thump Thump Th Thump

My vision slowly fills with red, a pain increasing in my chest to unbearable standards. I can't have another heart attack now. No. Slow breaths.. Breath in.. Breath out. In the nose, out the mouth just like I was taught. The tightness in my chest dissipates my heartbeat slowly returns to normal and the red slowly fades from my vision. I push myself back to sit against my wall and glance at my clock 4:49am. Time just happens to be going so slowly for me right now, that dream or should I say nightmare coupled with the events of last night have made my nights sleep terrible. 4 am and I feel like I have slept for 20 minutes.

Not wanting to go back to sleep I reach over the side of my bed. The stiffness in my joints showing how tense I am. I can't sleep with the possibility of that dream coming back, I don't want it to come back. I just need to stop thinking about it, I need to do something, I need to... I need to read

Picking up my book from the floor, I quickly glance at the cover 'Star Wars, an Omnibus' Opening up to where I left off, I allow myself to become entrenched in my book. my thoughts going to a stand still as I lose myself in a universe filled with jedis, mystical powers and lightsabers. As I reach the end of my latest chapter, I glance over at the clock, trying to see if anytime has passed since I was so rudely awoken before. 5:54 am - "Well, that's better than no time passing at all" I think to myself. Should probably go have a shower and get some breakfast into me before everyone else steals it from the cafeteria. I stand and make my way to the bathroom. grabbing my school uniform on the way out of my room

A warm shower hits my skin, I stand there like I'm caught under a small waterfall, the torrent of water washing away all the stale sweat accumulated from my nightmares, the good mood I was in while reading has now reverted back to my sour, depressed mood that tainted me as I made my back to my dorm last night.. last night.. how can I even deal with looking at Hanako now, she hates me, probably doesn't even want to see me or talk to me ever again.. Why does this seem like such a problem now? Did I really like her? More then friends? No I couldn't have, I've barely been here for 2 months, feelings don't develop that quickly.. Do they?

I dry off, get dressed and head back to my room to take my morning pills as these questions fill my mind, just as the sinking feeling of my exhaustion creeps over me,
"Probably should have tried to sleep some more last night" I think to myself as I unlock my bedroom door, the daunting sight of my pill bottles staring straight at me as i open the door is what i'm greeted by. their lifesaving blend of chemicals is what keeps me alive. I cringe as think of all the possibilities...

Making my way towards the main building that holds all the classrooms, I feel myself dreading the day. I slept but it feels like I have barely slept a wink. Today is going to be terrible.

It's almost time for class as I slide into the classroom. First here.. Great, more time by myself to sour my mood more. I hope Hanako doesn't come in today, I don't think i'd be able to handle that. After last.. What happened when i saw her last. I rest my head on my arms as I feel exhaustion creep up on me, even though i got some sleep last night, I feel like I barely got any sleep and have absolutely no energy to keep going. I start to feel myself drift off into a nap when the classroom door slams opens causing me to jump in my seat

"WAHAHA~" the usual high pitched voice that belongs to a certain pink haired girl screams out.
"Goooooood Morning Hicchan!" Misha yells in my direction from the doorway, I cringe as the pitch rings my eardrums.

"How are we this morning sleepyhead?" I hear Misha translating Shizune's hand gestures as she walks into the classroom
I give them the best death stare I can manage, but being as tired as I feel, the best I manage is a squint as a lay my head back down onto my arms.

"Are you okay Hicchan?" Misha asks as she sits down in the desk next to me.

Without moving my head or trying to talk I let out a loud
"Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Taking that as her cue not to press anymore, Misha turns to Shizune and starts signing about our conversation, maybe even something entirely different.

Turning back to me, Misha has a giant smile on her face
"Oh no.. she's not is she?" I think to my self as I turn my head in my arms to stare her in the eyes.

"Hicchan, at lunch today, you're going to be graciously given the chance to have lunch with two stunningly cute girls. We suggest you take them up on this offer" She finishes her statement with a wink and poking her tongue out at me. I stir myself enough to lift my head from my arms, but just as I'm about to politely decline her invite to have lunch with them, I hear the door open. Looking from Misha to the door, I'm hoping it's the one person that I don't want to see,

"What if it is her? What am i going to do then? I'll just have to act like i don't know her... Yeah.. I'll have to ignore her, she hates me, so she wouldn't want me to talk to her anyway" I think to myself as i watch for someone to walk into the classroom.

Luckily it isn't Hanako, Mutou walks into the room looking almost as tired as I am.Walking to his desk, he sits as we await the bell that will signal the start of the school day. Lowering my head back down to my arms, I start to allow myself to drift off to the land of dreams. As I get to the doorway to sleep, a gentle shaking arouse me from my part slumber

"Well, Hicchan? Are you going to have lunch with us or not?" Misha looks at my quizzically as she asks, clearly wanting to get an answer out of me before class starts. I feel myself starting to get angry, my face slowly becoming red. I open my mouth to speak, but as the words are about to come out

"BRRRRRIIIININGGGGG"

The bell rings and Mutou stands to greet the class, so I quick shut my mouth and look towards the front of the room to avoid drawing his attention.

Class passes and it feels like I've been there for over 6 hours. My thoughts are in the clouds and I can't focus on my work, When Mutou calls for us to work in groups for the next part of class, I feel my chest heave with a sigh... I know exactly whats going to happen here. I quickly glance over towards Hanako's desk and notice it still empty.. So she decided not to come today as well..

"So, Hicchan.. You going to have lunch with us or what? WE'd like to know, and it would be rude to stand up two cute girls like us" Misha says to me as we break to work as a group.

I furrow my brow as I try to think of a proper response.

"I don't think I will, not today anyway. I didn't sleep so well last night, so, I think I might go take a nap during lunch," I force a smile as I laugh internally at me trying to get some sleep. "Besides, I'm sure two cute ladies like yourselves would be fine without an extra lunch partner, especially one in a state like I'm currently in" I end my response with a quick nod as I try to get started on our classwork and hide my rising anger from my classmate.

"But Hicchannn" Misha whispers to me. Well, it's more like speaking normally, but for Misha, I'd say that it's a whisper.

"NO! FOR FUCKS SAKE MISHA!" Standing up from my desk as I scream at Misha. I see tears start to well up under her eyes. Shizune clearly understanding what transpired wraps one arm around Misha in an attempt to comfort her.

"Mhmm," I hear from the from of the front of the classroom "Are you quite alright Mister Nakai?" Mutou asks with a tinge of annoyance in his voice.

Looking around the classroom, I notice everyone staring at me. I can't take this. I feel tears in my eyes, my face is red with anger and my fists clenched like I'm about to go twelve rounds with Mike Tyson. Grabbing my bag, I slam the classroom door behind me as I make my way down the hall and out of the main building, heading towards the boys dorm.

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Last edited by PrymaL on Tue Apr 14, 2015 5:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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brythain
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Re: Seperation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by brythain » Tue Apr 14, 2015 7:23 am

Looks good content-wise so far, but the layout and editing are a little dubious, which reduces one's enjoyment. :(

Would be happy if more appeared, with glitches reduced. :)
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

PrymaL
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Re: Seperation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by PrymaL » Tue Apr 14, 2015 8:11 am

brythain wrote: but the layout and editing are a little dubious, which reduces one's enjoyment.
Where do you think I could improve?

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brythain
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Re: Seperation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by brythain » Tue Apr 14, 2015 9:20 am

PrymaL wrote:
brythain wrote: but the layout and editing are a little dubious, which reduces one's enjoyment.
Where do you think I could improve?
Punctuation, checking your text for caps/no-caps, spacing your paras, no unnecessary breaks, checking typos, things like that.
From the beginning, seeing you spell 'separation' wrongly was a turn-off. But I enjoyed what I got from the story itself—I just wish it didn't keep crying out to me with the withered souls of uncorrected text fragments... :D
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

PrymaL
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Re: Seperation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by PrymaL » Tue Apr 14, 2015 9:51 am

brythain wrote:
PrymaL wrote:
brythain wrote: but the layout and editing are a little dubious, which reduces one's enjoyment.
Where do you think I could improve?
Punctuation, checking your text for caps/no-caps, spacing your paras, no unnecessary breaks, checking typos, things like that.
From the beginning, seeing you spell 'separation' wrongly was a turn-off. But I enjoyed what I got from the story itself—I just wish it didn't keep crying out to me with the withered souls of uncorrected text fragments... :D

Ah.. Yep... I did say in my teaser, that my grammar, spelling and all around writing work is pretty terrible.

Thus why I'm doing this. So I can get better :)

But thank you for the input

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Alpacalypse
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Re: Separation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by Alpacalypse » Tue Apr 14, 2015 3:17 pm

Hey, good to see this come back :D

Anyways, my thoughts on what you've got so far boil down to "please don't just manly picnic Hisao after HBE. That's just mean."
Whatever you do with this, I think it'll be alright.
*tips hat* Continue, good sir.
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
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I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
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I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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Re: Separation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Apr 14, 2015 3:40 pm

Emo-Hisao. We don't see him very often...

Misha calls Hisao "Hiichan" or simply "Hisao" in this story but never "Hicchan"

A few typos still here and there, but I guess you fixed most of what brythain mentioned. Of those that are left, let me just mention this one:
Whose there?
"Who's there?"
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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RidiculousLuke
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Re: Separation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by RidiculousLuke » Wed Apr 15, 2015 2:43 am

CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WORDS, TH-

In all seriousness though, I'm super happy to find out that someone's writing a Hana bad end epilogue :) And from Hisao's perspective no less! I haven't seen a lot of those.

Hisao x Hanako was once my favorite pair, not anymore but I still like them <3

Anyway as was mentioned by others, A few spelling mistakes, missing periods, commas, along with some sentences ending awkwardly. Things like that don't really bother me though, as a reader I take more notice of redundancy in text or when things feel a little too melodramatic.

Now I could be wrong, but if I'm remembering correctly, Hisao was never one for depressing self-deprecation. I mean sure he gets angry and depressed on a few of the routes, but he usually directed his emotions towards one of the girls, not himself.

I always imagined Hisao being one of those empty husk kinda people when depressed.



Don't take all that too seriously though, I'm looking forward to more! Right at the end when Hisao broke down a little and lashed out at Misha, I really felt that man, good job. :D

In closing, these two quotes or should I say analogies? Had me laughing internally.
I sob into my pillow, holding it like one would hold a lover or a parent.

my face is red with anger and my fists clenched like I'm about to go twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.
Luke of the Ridiculous variety, author of Puppet Show.

(There's also the Old Version of Puppet Show, if you really want to read it.)


"Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously." - Hunter S. Thompson

PrymaL
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Re: Separation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by PrymaL » Wed Apr 15, 2015 3:58 am

Mirage_GSM wrote: A few typos still here and there, but I guess you fixed most of what brythain mentioned. Of those that are left, let me just mention this one:
Whose there?
"Who's there?"

Thanks for noticing that, fixed it :)
RidiculousLuke wrote: from Hisao's perspective no less! I haven't seen a lot of those.

Anyway as was mentioned by others, A few spelling mistakes, missing periods, commas, along with some sentences ending awkwardly. Things like that don't really bother me though, as a reader I take more notice of redundancy in text or when things feel a little too melodramatic.

Now I could be wrong, but if I'm remembering correctly, Hisao was never one for depressing self-deprecation. I mean sure he gets angry and depressed on a few of the routes, but he usually directed his emotions towards one of the girls, not himself.

I always imagined Hisao being one of those empty husk kinda people when depressed.

It's from Hisao's POV at the moment. I plan on a couple of chapters being from Hanako's only because there's things I plan on for this story that need her perspective.


Yeah, my spelling, punctuation and grammar is kinda special... In a bad way...

And you can't really say that he's one type of depressed because in my mind, he never really became depressed in any of the routes. He became more like a shallow sad panda(yeah, I said panda) I wouldn't say depressed though.

In my mind anyone can really snap at any point, with enough stress. Which is what I was playing with.

But thanks for the feedback

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Re: Separation, A Hanako Bad Ending Epilogue

Post by danfs » Thu Jun 04, 2015 6:58 pm

First of all, I'll not talk about the grammar and stuff, since i'm not a native english speaker
Now starting, thanks for this fan fiction, i just did the HBE and couldn't stop thinking about what the hell could happen later!
For me, it is a really nice beggining of story, pretty much close to what I imagined, except for Hisao's rage at the end, since I don't think it fits him, but still a very nice start for what could be a emotional sequel of a "not-exactly-finished" history
Waiting for a continuation (If there isn't one already)!
"Life is not nice, it's limited. An imperfect blink of an eye on the infinite immensity of the universe"

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