Gravity: A Molly Pseudo- Pseudo Route. Updated as of 11/03/2019

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Feurox
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Gravity: A Molly Pseudo- Pseudo Route. Updated as of 11/03/2019

Post by Feurox » Sun Mar 15, 2015 4:28 pm

Gravity: Updated as of 11/03/2019

Evidently, this thread could prove to be a bit confusing if you stumble onto it without prior knowledge of this Molly Route. I'll try to make it simple with this Q and A that covers any questions.

Why are there two tables of contents?

Gravity is split into two versions. The first table below is the on-going route and the most recent. It is far more revised than the previous one, and, in my opinion, the better of the two works. The second table is the contents for my previous attempt at this. I started said route in March of 2015, and I like to think my work has transformed since then.

Will you be continuing the original route?

No. I felt like I had written myself into a corner, and was generally unhappy with the content. Despite my own feelings on it, I am eternally grateful to the comments that route has received - I hope my revised version doesn't disappoint you.

Why not start a new thread?

There are a few reasons for not starting a new thread. The first and most important one being that I would like to preserve the journey this route has thus-far taken. It has been nearly 5 years since I began writing about Molly, a lot longer if you count my attempts even before Gravity. For me, writing, especially in such a wonderful community as KS, is an experience worth preserving in it's entirety - and whilst I am unhappy with how this attempt turned out, I am not ashamed of it's content. The second reason for not starting a new thread is that, whilst I'm not sure how seriously the rule is taken, I don't want to create another thread after the 5 or so I already have in the Renai. If you'd like to read some of my one-shot or competition pieces, you can do so in this thread: Various Stuffs

What's different about this new route?

Other than my writing style, I have re-worked various elements of the plot and characters. In doing so, I think I've improved the foundation, but you'll have to decide that for yourself.

Who is Molly?

Molly is a girl in class 3-3 pictured here as the furthest character to the right, front row. She has two prosthetic legs, (C-legs) that are above the knee prosthetics.

My thanks, as always, go to anyone who enjoys reading this fic and to the KS development team. Some special mentions are:

Brythain and Lap, who have both been unquantifiable help in both an advice and proof-reading capacity. With any luck they'll continue to do so as this progresses, but if not, thank you for your help.

Craftyatom and Mirage, who perhaps unknowingly inspire me to write better. Your comments on the forum are always either funny or constructive, and it is greatly appreciated.

Zerebos and Gibzx, who I have come to consider close friends after first hearing from you in this very thread. I am grateful to have met you both.


Gravity (Ongoing)

Table of contents:

Image

Blueshift
...Like friends don't lie, and it all tastes the same in the dark.
PT1 PT2 PT3

Image

Entropy
...Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel, or just the train?
PT1 PT2

Redshift
...Even broken hearts can tessellate.
PT1 PT2

Observers
...And if you need me, remember not to call.
PT1 PT2
















Legacy Route (Abandoned)


Table of contents:

ONESHOTS

I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest.

Act 1: Chapter 1 Relativity (This post)

We're all made of stardust.

ACT 2 Constants and variables

There's a world of difference between what we see, and what is.

Act 2 chapter 1: Galaxies
Call back the cap-com, tick off the time bomb.


Act 2 chapter 2: Kamikaze
Oh comet come down, Kamikaze over me.


Act 2 chapter 3: Indigo
We're all indigo, walking out together in the afterglow.


Act 2 chapter 4: Spiralling
Out of my reach but always in my eyeline.


Act 2 Chapter 5: Crucifix
We all have our crosses


Act 2 Chapter 6: E.T
Trying to find the in-between








Relativity

“I was not!” Taro protests, moving his good arm franticly to bat away my accusations, his not-so good arm resting limply in the sling draped from his neck. “Besides, you’d only know if you were looking too!”

“Girls are allowed to look! You’re a guy, it’s completely different!” I reply in my inside voice. A voice that Taro is incapable of using.

“Now how in any way is that fair?” his eyes widen. “You’re a sexist!”

In all honestly I don’t think he was looking, it’s just hilarious to see his reaction to even the most stupid of accusations.

“You were definitely looking Taro.” Suzu chimes in. Holding tightly on to the banister as we ascend the stair case to 3-3, just in case her head decides it’s time for a nap, the thrills of narcolepsy I suppose. She always stays just ahead of me on the staircase, not so that I can catch her if she does go dark, but because if she’s going to hell she has every intent to take me with her.

“Oh shut up you weren’t even awake!” Taro accuses, a stern frown plastered across his lips.

We reach the door of our homeroom, and decide to postpone the discussion about whether or not Taro was looking at the second year in the particularly tight top. Which is a damn shame because it’s been ages since he’s gotten this worked up, Suzu nudges me, reminding me that I’m on lunch duty, to which I remind Taro that HE’S the one on lunch duty and he groans acceptingly and moves to his seat at the back of the class to play on his phone until lessons start. Which considering Mutou isn’t already in, won’t be for a while.

I leave Suzu to take my seat, which luckily has a window view, but unluckily is right in front of our teacher’s desk. I don’t bother looking around at who’s here and who’s not, instead devoting my undivided attention to the squirrel on the tree just outside. I think its taunting me.

Oh squirrel, what I would give to be you.

About somewhere between late and incredibly late Mutou stumbles through the door with an incredibly scared looking boy in tow and begins the obligatory introductions. I look him over for any obvious disabilities. Arms? Check. Legs? Check. Facial features? Check, check, check and check. Maybe he’s diabetic? Well he’s a mystery I suppose. He’s got messy brown hair and the bit sticking up at the front immediately irritates me. He’s tall, well, taller than me I think, which isn’t a great feat I suppose. He has deep brown eyes that take up most of his face. I stare out the window, and only really hear his name.

Hisao Nakai. Meh that’s alright I suppose, I mean it’s not quite James bond. But it’s not bad.

He takes his seat behind me, and next to the pink boom-box. Having already lost a decent portion of the lesson, Mutou sets us some group work to do and Suzu drags her chair over to my desk, taking about as long as you’d expect from a girl who’s asleep more often than not. We wave Taro over who mutters under his breath that he wasn’t looking before pulling an over chewed pencil from his mouth and starting on the questions.

The work doesn’t prove too challenging for the 3 of us, and before long everyone is getting up for lunch. Suzu and I give Taro some money for our lunches, which he ‘Agreed’ to buy, and head outside for lunch. It’s not a bad day for Yamaku standards, sunny and warm with a fair few clouds to cloud watch.

Lying on a particularly soft patch of grass, Suzu swings her arm up into the air to point at a cloud. “That one looks like a-“Falling asleep mid-sentence, her arm flies back towards her face and hits her nose with a rather painful sounding thump. I lift my head up to check for any bleeding and luckily she’s not. I wander what she’s dreaming about, if anything. She said it’s normally just like she never passed out at all, so it must be terrifying when we move her. It still pretty funny though.

The festival’s coming up soon and it’s obvious the younger years are excited for the festival. Most people are doing something for it, like making stands or banners. Taro is meant to be cooking for a stall being how he’s the only member of the Yamaku cooking club, although knowing Taro, he definitely won't be doing anything. You’re meant to do things you’re good at for the Festival, you know, show of your skills. But I don’t think anybody would be particularly interested in a chemistry show, or watching me do complex algebra. And they certainly wouldn’t care to watch Suzu sleep for hours on end.

“Frog. Oh great, “Suzu mutters through the sleeve of her blouse. “Thanks for catching my arm by the way. You’re getting really good at it,” she says, a wide smirk across her face.

“Honestly, I don’t know how I have such fast reaction time,” I turn my head to face her. “Maybe I’m a ninja.”

“If you’re a ninja then I’m the queen of England.”

“Well you could pass for 80,” I remark, very proud of my comeback. I barely finish talking before I see a rolling Suzu headed straight for me. “Mphff! Get your ha- Mphh, hair, out of my mouth!” I laugh whilst spitting strands of sea-green hair out of my mouth.

Her leg tumbles into my prosthetic, making a clink sound and sending her reeling, clutching her knee brace. That she got after- Ahh actually, no. I’d rather not relive that.

“Take that!” I shout, giggling and rolling on my sides.

Before I can recover from my laughter Suzu mounts me and begins dropping her fists on me like a cartoon monster.

“You’re part robot, but I’ll still beat you with my pummel move!” She draws in a deep breath and then roars mightily. Well, semi-mightily.

“Well ladies, I hope we’re not interrupting anything.” Taro arrives perfectly timed, bearing gifts of lunch and-

Oh.

“Uh Hey.”

“Hey, Sorry I was just making out with my girlfriend, you see we-“ Suzu begins to reply, but I cut her off by quickly throwing her off me.

“We’re not. No. No no. We’re straight. Well I am at least I don’t know about-“

“Don’t be like that, lover.” Suzu why? Why are you doing this?

The new guy, Nakai? Yeah Nakai. Looks to Taro as to what to do.

“Honestly man, I’d just get used to it,” Taro turns his attention to me and Suzu, “I rescued him from pink drills and the deaf destroyer.” The new guy visually flinches at Taro’s nicknames, and I see his eyes fixate on my legs, or lack thereof before he looks away in shame. “This is ‘Nakai but call me Hisao’ by the way.”

“Hi Hisao, I’m Suzu, I’m not into the whole last name thing. And this is my darling girlfriend, Molly Kapur but you can just call her sugar-“

“Will you cut that out?” I can feel my cheeks burning. “I’d rather you called me Molly, It’s nice to meet you.”

After that Incredibly awkward introduction, Taro sits down beside me, and Hisao beside him.

“Umm, where’s my curry bread slave?” Suzu asks Taro, having decided she’s had enough fun tormenting me for one day. She grabs the bread from Taro’s extended hand and without opening the plastic rapper shoves the top corner into her mouth. I take my bread from Taro, taking just a little more time and care than my colleague to open the packaging.

“So how do you like Yamaku Hisao?” Suzu is the first to break the silence.

“It’s,” There’s a pause as he takes in the question. “Different, I’m not exactly sure just yet.”

“Well that’s fair enough, it takes time to get used to, “Taro adds. “Are you sleeping on campus?”

“Yeah I am, though I haven’t seen my room yet.” Hisao seems a little more relaxed now, though to be honest that’s probably the company of Taro more than me and Suzu, who falls sideways into my lap as the lights go out inside her head.

“Is she okay? Should I get the nurse?” Hisao sits up. Which is a fair response. I remember the first time I saw her go dark. She was just sitting there and then suddenly she was face down in a bowl of rice. I panicked too.

“Ah no, it’s okay. She’s Narcoleptic, she’ll probably come back to us soon. “I explain in what I think is a calming voice. Or do I sound patronising? I really hope not.

“Oh.” He sighs. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this school you know.”

Lunch passes fairly quickly, with Taro asking Hisao questions like what his favourite subject is, which I learn is physics, and what his Hobbies are, which I learn is reading. Suzu wakes up looking up at me and explains to our newest member that, yes she falls asleep a lot and, no she’d rather not get drawn on. Before long it’s time for lessons, and the four of us start to head back to class.

“So there’s a festival coming up, it’s not a huge deal really, but if no one offers, we’d happily spend it with you.” Taro says, speaking for the whole group. Though it’s not a bad thing, I wouldn’t mind Hisao tagging along with us. After all he’s quite cute, and part of me wants to know more about him. Like why he’s even at Yamaku in the first place.

“Yeah hang with us man, who knows you might even pull.” Suzu teases, nudging him and winking in my general direction. Obviously wanting to make things awkward again. Well fine. Two can play at that game.

“I’ve heard Taro is quite the kisser Hisao.” I retort. Both Taro and Suzu blush. Hard.

Hisao just looks at me in confusion, “I uh don’t-“his eyes widen upon seeing Suzu’s face. “Ahh, so is it like that?” He smirks. His big brown eyes narrowing in a playful manner.

“No.”

“No.”

“Yes.” I say over Taro and Suzu. “Though good luck getting them to admit it.”

“Okay, I think this has gone far enough now Molls.” Suzu snickers, a tiny smile creeping onto her face. She punches me in the arm with all her sleepy might and we reach 3-3 before she can deliver her full barrage.

Is that what saved by the bell means? There wasn’t really a bell but I mean, I think that counts.

The lessons and days go by, with very little interesting happening in any of them. Saturday comes and the half day of lessons almost bore me to death. At this point the only thing keeping anybody going is the thought of the festival tomorrow. Nether the less, I survive the morning periods and wind up in the library, flipping through my chemistry notes. Alone. Because apparently Suzu and Taro had ‘project work’ due, though I’m almost one hundred percent sure that they’re just making out in the toilets. Hisao hasn’t really spoken to us, he probably got a better offer for the festival. Though I don’t know why it bothers me, he’s just the newest member of the Yamaku club. Still, I can’t help but feel a little down. Maybe I can talk to him after the festi-

“Hey, is Taro’s offer still valid for tomorrow?” The subject of my thoughts drags me out of my reverie. And sends me into a spluttering mess of replies and blushing.

“U-uh yeah, we’ll m-meet you outside the girl’s dorm building. “ Great. I sound like a delinquent. Why am stuttering? I never stutter. Get it together me. I take a steadying breath “Should we say about two-thirty?”

“That sounds good, I look forward to it. “The brown haired boy towering above me replies, rubbing the back of his head with his hand, clearly feeling awkward. A feeling he’ll have to share.

Right. So what now?

“Do you mind if I join you?” Well that’s unexpected. Surely he can think of something better to do than sit with the chemistry nerd in the quietest and most boring part of Yamaku.

“No I don’t mind, feel free,” I pat the bean bag to my right and he sits, surprised by its comfort. That one’s my favourite. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a rather worn looking book.

“You know it’s strange,” he starts, “I don’t usually see anyone in here except that shy girl from our class.”

“What Ikezawa? I don’t really know her but she seems nice.” I don’t know her is an understatement. Most days it’s like she doesn’t exist. She’s a bit like a chameleon actually, she just sort of blends in. Fades away.

“Is she getting bullied? I never see her talking to anyone.” His voice sounds like genuine concern, it’s sweet. Not even a week and he’s looking out for the underdog.

“No I don’t think it’s like that,” I close the cover of my book, holding the page with my thumb, and tilt my head up to look at him. “I mean, who would bully her? The kid with the cane? The girl without an eye? You can’t exactly bully when you’re in the same position,” He looks like he’s about to cut me off, but he doesn’t so I continue. “If she was being bullied, we would have done something to help her out, it’s just not like that. She prefers the solitude and you can’t get close to someone who keeps you further than a barge pole.”

He breaks eye contact for a minute and looks straight ahead, contemplating, then he returns his gaze to me. “Yeah, you’ve got a point. I barely spoke to her and she ran away from me. “

The next hour or so passes without much conversation, but plenty of awkward eye contact and blushing. I don’t even know why, I barely even know the guy. My phone lights up with a text from Suzu and I begrudgingly get up from my bean bag castle. A task, made difficult by my prosthetic legs.

“You’re leaving?” Hisao asks, getting to his feet himself.

“Yeah I promised I’d make Suzu dinner. It turns out that Flying squirrels do in fact exist.”

“If it’s any consolation, I would have probably said they didn’t as well.” He says, a smirk tugging at his lips.

“You should be the one cooking her dinner then.” I say with a wink. Feeling immediately stupid for winking, I start the walk back to the dorms. “Maybe you could convince Taro to cook you something if you’re hungry.” Only somewhat joking, Taro is a huge fan of cooking. A huge fan. Ha. Because he’s…Never mind.

Hisao laughs, unaware that Taro cooks. Quite honestly I can’t be bothered to explain it to him. Soon enough we reach the dorm buildings. Hisao raises his hand like he wants to say something.

“So, um. I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Oh. Was that it? It’s not quite as mysterious as I was hoping.

“Yeah, I look forward to it.” That’s no lie, I really do. And from the half smile he gives me I think he does too.

With the goodbyes done I turn on my metal heel and head back to the kitchen to become honouree slave of the evening to my narcoleptic overlord.

My Sea green alarm clock goes off at about ten thirty in the morning, yelling something about needing to pick an outfit for the festival in a couple of hours and about how I have a messy haired new boy to impress, before promptly passing out whilst I go for a shower.

When I return back to Suzu’s room, she has about 4 different outfits laid out and is pacing back and forth, lifting various items of clothing to the sky, commenting about the colour or shape or how cute it is. She eventually settles for a black and pink yukata with white petals across the right side up to her shoulder. Having decided what she’s wearing, we move on to me and head across to my room which is conveniently just opposite hers. After a quick scout through my clothes draws, Suzu finds a purple and white yukata for me, claiming that it goes with my eyes and that I look ‘drop dead gorgeous.’ A quick glance at the electronic clock on my desk reveals that it’s two-thirty-five.

Wait. Didn’t I tell Hisao two-thirty? Shit.

Practically dragging Suzu, we run down the staircase about as fast as our outfits will allow, which isn’t very fast. Almost tumbling to our demise at least twice, we reach the outside of our dormitory. We’re greeted by a rather handsome, sweater-vest wielding Hisao. And a less handsome, evening jacket clad Taro.

“Didn’t you know it’s rude to make a girl wait Suzu?” Taro says with a little chuckle.

“I’m glad you admit that you’re a girl,” Suzu says before sticking her tongue out at him. “Took you long enough you know.”

After a long awkward look over, Hisao opens his mouth to say something but Taro cuts him off.

“What Hisao is trying to say is that you look really good Molly.”

“I was getting there man,” Hisao pronounces with a half chuckle. “But yeah, you do look really nice.”

The festival is already in full swing with stands everywhere and hundreds of people walking from stand to stand. Clasping their hands in delight after winning a game, or pressing the palm into their face after losing one. It really is incredible.

We spend the next couple of hours pacing back of forth between games and other people. Bumping into Shizune and Misha far more than I’d have liked and receiving and angry glare each time. Something tells me she’ll be on my back for stealing the up and coming student council star. After what feels like no time at all, the sky begins to darken and the paper lanterns strung up around the Festival grounds begin to glow like fireflies. We end up sat on a bench just beside one of the many noodle stands. Making a group decision that now is a good a time as any for a little bit of late lunch, we hand over our money to Taro who gets up, promptly followed by the sleepy girl to my left.

Suzu gives me a wink and leaves with Taro to get our food, leaving just me and Hisao. Goddamn it why. Just why?

I tap a little rhythm on my prosthetics, trying to fill the awkward silence that has fallen on the two of us. Okay. It’s not working. Umm, Oh I know!

“So, are you settled in now?” I ask, tilting my head towards him in the friendliest way I can, or at least, that I think I can.

“Yeah I think so, I mean. I still find it kind of awkward sometimes, like. I dunno.” He trails off, his eyes fixated on my legs.

Hmm, that gives me an idea. I hope I’m not being too preachy by doing this.

“When I first got here I described people by their disability, and felt like crap for doing it. But you shouldn’t, it takes time to settle into life here. It’s not easy. Everyone here has just been dealt a shoddy hand, they’re all trying to get on with life.” I breathe, “Our disabilities are a part of who we are, they just shouldn’t define who we are. You know?” I hope he knows, that was a bit of a mouthful from some girl he’s barely spoken too.

“Yeah, “he looks up from my prosthetics to my face. “That helps a lot actually, I’m just worried that I’ll never get used to it is all.” For the first time I see his smile, his real smile. One that makes my stomach lurch forward at one hundred miles a minute. Feeling my cheeks begin to glow, I look down to the ground.

I’m glad he gets it though. “You will, it just takes time.” He seems to have lightened up a bit now. Maybe I did help. His eyes meet with mine, and I look away. Trying and failing to hold the smile from my lips. It feels really good to cheer someone up, especially when it’s a cute guy.

Suzu and taro get back holding a bowl of noodles in each hand, and I scoot along the bench to make room for them, which coincidentally means sitting closer to Hisao. And I won’t complain.

After slurping down the last of the overpriced and over-salted noodles, we start on the games of the festival. Taro wins a small teddy bear for throwing hoops, and Suzu wins an extra bruise for passing out whilst trying to play the spinner game. We jump from stand to stand, mostly losing in every game. When we get to the team games we split in two, me and Hisao versus Suzu and Taro. Needless to say, its slaughter. Me and Hisao not only win a free lunch courtesy of Taro, but win a plush cat from the rowing game after breaking the high score. Before long it’s almost pitch black and the firework display is about to start.

I whisper Suzu to text me when it’s over and make some excuse to the guys that I left something in my room.

I manage to get inside my dorm and slip my headphones on before the display starts. I draw the curtains and crank the volume up to max. I stare at the black screen of my phone and wipe my tears from it as they fall. After what feels like an eternity, my phone lights up.

It’s over.

I wipe my eyes and make sure I look presentable before leaving my room and returning to the guys.

“Oh Molly you missed it! That was amazing!” Hisao excitedly exclaims, to which Taro agrees.

“Ah damn, I can’t believe I missed it.” I say, trying to sound convincingly disappointed. “Well what should we do now?”

We check out the stalls that are still open, mostly losing in every game, and manage to convince Hisao to spend lunch with us from now on. He didn’t exactly need convincing, but still.

“Thanks for what you said earlier Molly, it really helped. “ Hisao says, his messy hair highlighted by the light of the moon. “It was fun hanging out with you.”

It’s almost pitch black but I can still see the dumb smile that spreads across his lips. It’s goofy, but I think I could get used to it.

“It was nothing, honestly. I’ll see you later yeah?” I reply, sounding maybe more eager than I had wanted.

“Yeah. I’d like that, goodnight Molly.”

The tired stumble back to dorm takes longer than it probably should, and my mind plays back the night like an old cassette. I don’t bother turning the lights on in my room, I just collapse onto the bed. Smile at the ceiling for making a new, cute friend, who knows maybe more.

And I cry as vivid colours dance behind my eyelids taking me away into nightmares.

Contents Next
Last edited by Feurox on Sun Nov 03, 2019 1:44 pm, edited 63 times in total.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Mar 15, 2015 7:31 pm

Well, you're off to a good start.
With Taro and Molly you chose characters who aren't used all that often and even your Suzu is refreshingly different from the way she is depicted in other stories.
I enjoyed the dialogue and banter between your characters - that came out really well.
Yes, the pacing is quite fast, but I take it this is just the introductory chapter, so it will probably slow down a little from here on out.
There were a few typos but nothing I'd call a mistake except for this:
“If it’s any conciliation,
Probably should be "consolation"

One thing you might want to rethink is the Hollywood version of narcolepsy you are depicting here. I suggest you read the wikipedia article on narcolepsy (or an equivalent source of your choice) and then decide how realistic you want Suzu's condition to be.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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brythain
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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by brythain » Sun Mar 15, 2015 8:31 pm

That was very enjoyable. Pleasant without excessive drama, strong characterisation without rubbing it in your face.

Errm,
clothe draws
should be 'clothes drawers', I'm thinking. Mirage_GSM is infecting me with the dreaded editorial eye virus.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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AntonSlavik020
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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Sun Mar 15, 2015 8:53 pm

Agree with everything Mirage said. Really liked Taro, and Suzu's teasing was pretty funny too. Also, there was this...
Feurox wrote:He’s got messy brown hair and the bit sticking up at the front immediately irritates me.
I almost laughed out loud at this. My personal favorite line.

Also also, hurray for a Molly story! There aren't enough of those. I'll take her cute nerdiness over Miki's dislike of school work any day.

As a side-note, I had to drag myself away from Gravity Falls fanfics back to this site. Anyone who's seen the last two episodes knows why. Sorry if thats off topic, but I can't get them out of my mind.
Best girl
Hanako=Shizune>Misha>Lilly>Rin>Emi

Best route
Hanako>Lilly>Rin>Emi>Shizune

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transient wonders
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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by transient wonders » Sun Mar 15, 2015 8:55 pm

I'm not much of a literary critic like these guys but I have to say I really did love this story. Perhaps I'm a bit biased since I always did like Molly, Suzu, and Taro (screw Hisao though) but, in any case, it was very well-written and interesting. I didn't see many glaringly obvious typos or errors but there's one I have to point out...
Before long it’s almost bitch black and the firework display is about to start.
Bitch black should probably be pitch black... unless you really do mean bitch black...
Hanako/Emi/Rin > Lilly > Shizune
Nothing wrong with Lilly or Shizune but they can't beat best girl...s. I really need to be much more decisive...
I'd like to thank Sakura Trick for getting me addicted to yuri. Or maybe I should be cursing it.

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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by HoneyBakedHam » Sun Mar 15, 2015 11:44 pm

Damn, someone beat me to the bitch black typos.

The story is alright, overall. Some spacing errors with the quotation marks and little grammar errors, but that's Grammar Nazi level there and I don't touch that.

Thing I will go on about, however, is the flow. Some parts give enough meat to the story's bones and other spots are famished, if you get what I'm saying.

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Feurox
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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by Feurox » Mon Mar 16, 2015 1:26 pm

So thank you for all the feedback.

Thank you to Mirage and Brythain for the spelling. Errors have been fixed.

As a side-note, I had to drag myself away from Gravity Falls fanfics back to this site. Anyone who's seen the last two episodes knows why. Sorry if thats off topic, but I can't get them out of my mind.
Well funny you should say that. This is something you should listen too. It also slightly (very very slightly) Inspired this route. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm7bTvTtXJg

Bitch black should probably be pitch black... unless you really do mean bitch black...
Honestly, part of me wanted to leave it as bitch black. But it has been amended nevertheless.
Thing I will go on about, however, is the flow. Some parts give enough meat to the story's bones and other spots are famished, if you get what I'm saying.
Unfortunately the pacing in this chapter was an issue that I was aware off. Partly because i really wanted to finish act 1 in this chapter so I could move on to the second act where I have ultimate freedom. However, that's not to say its entirely due to that. Most of my pacing issues come from me as a writer. Hopefully practice will help me improve.

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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by brythain » Mon Mar 16, 2015 1:31 pm

Feurox wrote:Unfortunately the pacing in this chapter was an issue that I was aware off. Partly because i really wanted to finish act 1 in this chapter so I could move on to the second act where I have ultimate freedom. However, that's not to say its entirely due to that. Most of my pacing issues come from me as a writer. Hopefully practice will help me improve.
Wait wait wait, is this your first bout of practice? :)

I thought you already tried this before... with Precipitation.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by HoneyBakedHam » Mon Mar 16, 2015 1:32 pm

Hey, least you're not like me and wanna choke a story full of stuff. At least a few chapters, with the festival being the last one, for an Act 1 would've been enough.

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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by Alpacalypse » Mon Mar 16, 2015 1:43 pm

Molly doesn't get enough love on these forums. Nice to see a story with her as the MC.

Main criticism is that I would use something visual to indicate a time-skip, like an ellipses or something.

Besides that, nice work here *tips hat* please continue.
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---
I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by Feurox » Mon Mar 16, 2015 2:00 pm

brythain wrote:
Feurox wrote:Unfortunately the pacing in this chapter was an issue that I was aware off. Partly because i really wanted to finish act 1 in this chapter so I could move on to the second act where I have ultimate freedom. However, that's not to say its entirely due to that. Most of my pacing issues come from me as a writer. Hopefully practice will help me improve.
Wait wait wait, is this your first bout of practice? :)

I thought you already tried this before... with Precipitation.


I still need more practise :wink: now let's just slide precipitation under the rug and try to forget it exists :roll:

Actually fun story. I had planned in converting that post into my own one shot thread, but honestly how amateur it was made me want to forget about it.

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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by Gajzla » Mon Mar 16, 2015 6:46 pm

I really enjoyed the banter, it helped to flush out the main characters quickly. One thing I would say is would Molly’s missing limbs not have more effect on her life? In the story she’s seen climbing and even hurrying down stairs without an apparent issue. As a brief introduction it seems fine to rush through details like that, but might seem odd if she suddenly becomes more aware of her disability in future chapters.


Looking forward to the next chapter.

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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by Feurox » Mon Mar 16, 2015 6:49 pm

Gajzla wrote:I really enjoyed the banter, it helped to flush out the main characters quickly. One thing I would say is would Molly’s missing limbs not have more effect on her life? In the story she’s seen climbing and even hurrying down stairs without an apparent issue. As a brief introduction it seems fine to rush through details like that, but might seem odd if she suddenly becomes more aware of her disability in future chapters.


Looking forward to the next chapter.
It's a very good point and one I'm addressing in my other chapters currently. She's missing her legs, but with molly (or my molly to be precise) her missing legs serve more as a reminder as to what she's been through. You can adapt to missing a limb, but can you live with what you've done? That sort of thing. It's always gonna be there, and I plan on having at as a part of her character. But it's more what they represent then what they are. I really hope that made sense. Thank you for the feedback though!

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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by Craftyatom » Tue Mar 17, 2015 11:36 am

Alright, finally got around to being able to reply, so here I am: good job! I'll admit there were some issues early on, but those were mostly because of the spelling mistakes, which skewed my perception a little. Besides those (and unfortunately it's been a few days since I read so I don't know which have been fixed and which have not, I could read through again if you really want but I doubt there's anything egregious) the story itself felt nice, people have mentioned issues with pacing, but besides that it looks good.

The one qualm that I myself had, which nobody else has mentioned, is the extreme scarcity of commas. I know that I as a writer use far more commas than most would like, but reading through this story, there were so many places where a comma would've just made things flow better... Not just in dialogue, where it serves to represent natural pauses in conversation, but also in narration, because there were times where the words seemed to run together. My suggestion is to read through what you've written in your head, or even out loud, and look for places where a pause would make things flow easier.

Besides that, all the issues I have are things other people have raised already - checking that the narcolepsy is realistic, fixing the small number of spelling mistakes, and watching your pacing. I will say that the extra little spice you added to Molly's character at the end is fantstic, in my opinion - I think that this will become an absolute lynchpin of the story, simply because there are so many interesting possibilities, and because this certainly feels like the "Hisao will be an emotional bastion" type of story. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to seeing what you have to offer!
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Re: Gravity-Molly pseudo route [03/15/15]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Mar 17, 2015 1:07 pm

Alpacalypse wrote:Molly doesn't get enough love on these forums. Nice to see a story with her as the MC.

Main criticism is that I would use something visual to indicate a time-skip, like an ellipses or something.

Besides that, nice work here *tips hat* please continue.
Ah, I knew there was something else I wanted to mention^^°
There are two instances in this chapter where you change scenes without any indication that you do so:
...
Is that what saved by the bell means? There wasn’t really a bell but I mean, I think that counts.

*****

The lessons and days go by, with very little interesting happening in any of them.
...
With the goodbyes done I turn on my metal heel and head back to the kitchen to become honouree slave of the evening to my narcoleptic overlord.

*****

My Sea green alarm clock goes off at about ten thirty in the morning,...
I suggest inserting something there to mark them. Personally I like asteriskses (or whatever the plural of that is) like above, but many other things will do as well.

Regarding how Molly's loss of legs might affect her - in my headcanon she lost her legs above the knees which would affect her a lot more, but we don't really know either way...
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