Yamaku Book Club (20190520 Overdrive)

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Razoredge
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190318 Yamaku's Cheshire Cat)

Post by Razoredge » Wed Mar 20, 2019 5:10 am

Short but very cute. I really love to read good Hanako and Miki's stuff. Especially when something is about this pairing. One of my instant favorites.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (Silence Falls)

Post by Oddball » Mon Apr 01, 2019 2:13 pm

Image


This time around we take a look at a story called Silence Falls by WiseSilver.

Going by the title, you can probably guess who the story is about. (If you guessed Nomiya you're wrong.) The story is abit more pruple prose style that I tend to enjoy, giving it sort of a romance novel feel, but at the same time feeling like it's trying just a bit too hard.

The story itself is ... way too short for the amount of things it wants to do. The last half of it feels more like a summary of several chapters.

It also features a main character named Silver Kenneth which is about the most JRPG-ish name I think I've encountered in KS fics, and yes that does include Lezard Valeth who is actually from a JRPG.
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Feurox
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190401 Silence Falls)

Post by Feurox » Tue Apr 09, 2019 11:47 am

I quite enjoy purple prose when it's done right. But I'm not sure this is one of those scenarios. Maybe that's the pot calling the kettle, but a lot of the sentences in this piece feel stilted and really off. It has it's salvageable moments:

she couldn't help but notice how the sun shone across it, making seem as if it was the first snow in a northern winter.



But more often than not, it falls short and simply comes off as jaring:

She felt his hand squeeze hers and with the last of his strength he whispered something...
"And so the silence falls...." His voice echoed, slowly drown out by the sound of her cries.
This serves to be a good example for another problem with this story, not only does it try to cramp too much into too little as Oddball mentioned, but it dramatically misses the mark for what could be quite a humbling end. Silver is some serious deus ex machina, not just in his insertion into the story, I don't mind that since the story is short, but in how simply perfect he apparently is. There's no conflict in this story, Silver appears and sweeps Shizune off of her feet - dying with poetic last words, when a more real ending, in my opinion, would have suited this story better. Considering how heavily romanticised the story is, there was a lot of potential for the author to subvvert that expectation and emphasise Shizune's fragility and strength of character. But no. Instead, Shizune is told he's dying, he sweeps her off of his feet, and then he dies. The piece would have benfited from either stretching the scenario out, or by humanising Silver a lot more - last words are rarely ever pretty and 'And so the silence falls...' takes the cake here. We have no reason to care about Silver, simply because he's not made real - he's Mr Perfect who's personality is charm and nothing else. A one dimensional man with a fittingly stupid death. What frustrates me about this is that Shizune's character is diminished by association, when the prior characterisation, I think, is mostly believeable.


That all being said, this had some good moments.


I really like the opening of the story, and some of the criticisims in the thread are, in my opinion, unjust. Mirage mentions that too many sentences start with 'she', but I think that showcases a misreading. The earlier section does, indeed, start with 'She' this and 'She' that, but I felt that this was most probably intentional and worked to the effect of making her life feel monitimous and autonomous; a point Shizune herself acknowledges as night becomes day and she works and then doesn't. There's some good potential in the story. Shizune is at a crossroads, where suddenly work doesn't mean everything; and even though it's told in a rushed manor, I like that she mostly remains a strong independent character whilst simultaneously being in love:

she was now the head of a successful political firm that helped politicians plan and complete their campaigns



Too many stories about Shizune involve her in some way 'weaking', but it's usually in a unsettling way, where Shizune is taught a lesson to 'not be such a bitch' as I've heard before. I don't think this story makes that mistake, (although, I think more could have been done to make this clear), Shizune remains mostly strong, with vulnerability but not 'weakness'. Shizune's pragmatic nature shines through in the speed of their relationship, and whilst it's all quite rushed, her relationship with Silver doesn't appear to be a harmful one. I would have liked to have seen more of her competitive nature, and more of Shizune taking the initiative and not being 'easily won', but then, this is an ambitious short story that misses the mark by an acceptable margin.


All of this to say, I quite enjoyed the story even though it has plenty of short-commings. I would also add that the initial thread was probably deserving of some more detailed comments, and it's nice to see that commenting on this forum has become on the whole a more thoughtful and constructive process.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190401 Silence Falls)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Apr 10, 2019 5:43 pm

Well... I think I wrote all I cared to write about this story the first time around.
The story hasn't gotten any better with age...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (Pictures of Lilly)

Post by Oddball » Sat Apr 27, 2019 11:26 am

Image

Pictures of Lilly by Andonymos.

It's that time again!

Here we have a short Sad Lilly story. There's a bit of awkward phrasing here and there and I'm not sure Lilly would even want to see, but for the most part it's a wonderfully written piece.

It does make me curious as to how a longer work like this would continue. The idea of Lilly learning how to see and understand what things are could be interesting.
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Feurox
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190429 Pictures of Lilly)

Post by Feurox » Tue Apr 30, 2019 7:21 am

I really enjoyed this piece. It manages to hit a fantastic blend of charming, sad, hopeful, and bittersweet. I don’t have much more to say about it, because it’s really just a nice little piece.

There’s enough technical jargon in there to make it at least somewhat believable, which is enough for a work of this length.

I don’t think I’d like to see a continuation of that story though. Everything that needed to be shown already had, without diluting the novelty.

Kudos Andonymos.

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Razoredge
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190429 Pictures of Lilly)

Post by Razoredge » Tue Apr 30, 2019 10:06 am

I can't describe my feelings while reading this piece. In other words, that was really nice.

Bravo.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190429 Pictures of Lilly)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri May 03, 2019 9:39 am

Well, looking at the story now I would have a few things more to say about it than when it first came out.
The author did mention Lilly's problems matching sight to concepts, but I think it would probably be worse than depicted in the story for a woman of thirty. Well, it is a very short story, and it's nice it was touched upon at all.
Also the thing about them all being very young has been mentioned. 27 is young to be a doctor let alone have completed groundbreaking research and being considered for a Nobel. Also they probably wouldn't award one for a technology that has not been proven to work and is still several years from implementation.
Still a very moving story, though.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (Overdrive)

Post by Oddball » Thu May 16, 2019 9:23 am

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Overdrive by Hotkey.

Last time we took a look at a Lilly story. This time for a change of pace, we take a look at a Lilly story that has Emi in it. There's also a very rapey not very likable Hisao (as opposed to a likable rapist?)
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