Beyond The Haze [Lilly x OC] - I-2 added 11-27-2018

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Razoredge
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Beyond The Haze [Lilly x OC] - I-2 added 11-27-2018

Post by Razoredge » Sun Nov 11, 2018 9:53 pm

Hi everyone.

I'm back after a huuuuuuuuuuge absence. Why? Because I was tired to write, my fiction borred me, and all this kind of stuff.
But I'm back, and I want to write again. I will not continue my MikixOC fic, cause I haven't any new stuff for you for this fic. However, I've created a new OC, a girl. I present to you Kaori. Kaori means perfume/scent in Japanese. In this story, you'll see a romance between two girls. These two girls are represented on this pic.

Image
I really thank Zinganza for this work. I let her doing whatever she liked to give Kaori a face, and I really like the result.

Kaori is 18, a tall Japanese girl who suffers about prosopagnosia. With this disability, she can't recognize any face. In fact, she can't even recognize her own mother if she's not speaking, or if she don't wear her usual perfume. She must find stratagems to recognize every person. For her mother, Kaori uses her perfume to recognize her, for her father, she has bought a silver necklace with a little pearl on a cross and use it to recognize him. She must find new stratagems for every person she want to remember.

Also, you can see a scar on her chest. She had a heart attack when she was a bit younger, around 15 years old, and was operated for that. She still have some cardiac issues nowadays and needs to take pills for life. It's the reason why she was sent to Yamaku.

If you feel like to produce fanarts about this story, I fully encourage it. Some people here do a really good job, and I'll be very honoured if someone do something about my work.

Feel free to review my work, and I hope you'll enjoy it.

And thanks to Mirage_GSM for his help about my writing. Thumbs up for you.

- Prologue : Ray of sunshine

Act I: Whisper
- White void
- Fleeting words
Last edited by Razoredge on Thu Dec 06, 2018 6:43 am, edited 9 times in total.
Kenji > Lilly = Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Misha is a MOAB, she's out of the competition.

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Re: Beyond the haze [OC] - Introduction

Post by Razoredge » Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:19 pm

Important note : I will only write this fic in English. So, no translation from french to English. Only my English writing skills. Please note I'm a pure beginner in pure English writing. I still hope you'll like this work.


Prologue : Ray of sunshine

Another year in Yamaku. For me, it's the third year here. I go back to my room with my mom. I know she's my mother because she wears her usual perfume, with a little touch of lime. Dad can't come with us today, because he's working. We left our house early in the morning. When we arrived, it was raining. I hate the rain. I had my heart attack on a rainy day. Since that day, I can't bear rain. In that case, my mom's perfume reassures me.

The first thing we do when we reach my room is to put my clothes away in my wardrobe. Simple and efficient. I have to take my pills too. I haven't done it this morning. I swallow these common white pills with a sip of water. I hate these things, but if I want to stay alive, I need to take it. Sometimes, I look my mother in the eye, and I sigh. I will never be able to recognize her face. She's beautiful, I have to admit, but this face is unknown to me. I know this state of affairs will never change, but I still have hope.

Classes will only start tomorrow. I have a full afternoon to do whatever I want. I hug my mother strongly and thank her for her help. She leaves me and promises to call me once she's at home. I ask her to kiss Dad for me. Now, I'm alone. A few minutes after mom's departure, rain intensifies. That's demoralizing. In the yard, some students run to reach the dormitory. In this sad afternoon, something makes me smile. I'll see Saki again. She's a good friend. I don't even know how we became friends. I only recognize her with her voice. The third floor is quite quiet today. Students will surely come in a few hours.

Suddenly, I wonder if mom took my swimsuit. A quick look in the wardrobe and I smile. She's too kind, my swimsuit is here. Swimming is not my favorite pastime, but Nurse told me to do so. For him, swimming will be a good thing for my heart. I trust him. Since I was in Yamaku, he never lied and told me everything. If something is too brutal, he can find the words to tell me the truth. I like him for that. I will get back to the swimming pool this week. My holidays weren't healthy at all, and I can't live like before. My heart will not stand it.

I get up and leave my room. I have nothing in particular to do, I just want to remind me of this place. In the first floor, some people talk to each other. A common day. I can't even remember who's the girl with the black hair and blue eyes in the corner. She must be a second or a third-year student, but I can't remember her name. I'm lost, once again. Everything around me is a pure haze. As if every face was covered by a light fog. It scares me. I rove, without any goal. Praying to hear a familiar voice. It's tir....

" Kaori, you're finally here. " I know this voice. It's her, my friend. Saki. I can't make a mistake.

I turn over and I smile. Saki's face is a blur to me, but I can't get her voice mixed up. The only thing I can do is to hug her frankly. It's her. Her smell is really recognizable. I missed her so much.

" I was afraid. I thought you'll only come tomorrow. I missed you, sweetie. " I'm really sincere when I talk like this to her.

" Me too. Did you get rain during your trip? "

As a good friend, she knows my hatred of rain. Saki knows a lot of things of my past. My scar screams out that I have cardiac issues. She knows that and takes care of me. Even though her disability can kill her, she still takes care of people. And I do the same thing for her. She's important to me.

" Not really. It only starts raining when I arrived. It gets me down, and I roved here, seeking for someone I know. And you came "

Saki's voice is always a ray of sunshine during my bad days. She doesn't do anything and achieve to cheer me up. I hear the rain outside, but now, it means nothing to me. My friend is here, nothing else matters.

" Great. What did you do during your holidays? I've spent all my time with my family." She asked me with a little smile.

" Nothing special. In fact, I've spent all my time playing video games or playing guitar. Mom bought me a brand-new Jaguar last month. A Japanese one, not these American guitars. I'm really satisfied. " I answered.

I play guitar since my first heart attack. Dad bought my first guitar when I left the hospital, to make me happy. I'm a huge metalhead since my childhood, thanks to my mom. My favorite genre is Black Metal, but I essentially play Thrash Metal.

" Really nice. Remind me to come with you someday. I'll really like to hear you playing. " Her smile is a precious thing.

" Of course. It'll be a shame to do something else."

We talked a lot about insignificant things. It's a real pleasure to be with her. I'm 18, I know, but sometimes, I can't bear the simple fact to stay alone. Loneliness scares me. I don't want to do a heart attack alone. Having friends is a shield to me. She knows that. I'm glad to be her friend. With her, I lost my sense of time. But with her help and the help of my other friends and my parents, I can survive this year. And I'll be happy. Nothing else matters now.
Kenji > Lilly = Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Misha is a MOAB, she's out of the competition.

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Re: Beyond the haze [OC] - Prologue added 11-12-2018

Post by Scroff » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:14 pm

Your English is many times better than my French and I never struggled to understand what you were saying (writing?).

But playing thrash metal on a Jaguar? Really??

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Re: Beyond the haze [OC] - Prologue added 11-12-2018

Post by Razoredge » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:36 pm

Yes. It's pretty nice though. I'm playing myself Thrash Metal on a Fender Jaguar, and with the right settings, it's pretty amazing. You can play a lot of styles on a Fender Jaguar, it's the most versatile guitar Fender have ever made with the Stratocaster.

But I'm glad to see it's understandable.
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Re: Beyond the haze [OC] - Prologue added 11-12-2018

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Nov 12, 2018 7:05 pm

Some odd word choices but other than that SpaG are quite good.

I'm always wary of stories where OCs are "overloaded" with disabilities - in this case two conditions that have nothing to do with each other...
I'm not sure if her heart condition is something you've planned to be a major plot point later on, but if not I recommend you rethink it or at least tune it down to something minor.

Of course there are people who have two seperate conditions in real life, but that is exponentially more rare than having only one condition* and such characters always challenge the reader's suspension of disbelief.

*Remember to always bring a bomb when you're flying on an aircraft, because the probability of two bombs on the same aircraft is vanishingly low...
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Re: Beyond the haze [OC] - Prologue added 11-12-2018

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Mon Nov 12, 2018 7:07 pm

Well I'd say your English is quite good for a beginner. Not too much to say about the story since it is the very beginning, we'll see how it develops. I'll also remain undecided on your OC until I see more of her, but she's not a Hisao stand-in, so that's nice right off the bat. The one thing I'm unsure about is the trait she borrows from Hisao, her heart condition. I'm not sure that she needs her face-recognition condition and heart problems on top of that, it may be a bit much. I suppose it creates a challenge for you to make sure that the story does not simply revolve around those conditions constantly debilitating her.

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Re: Beyond the haze [OC] - Prologue added 11-12-2018

Post by Razoredge » Tue Nov 13, 2018 12:48 am

I have something in my mind to do later with this condition. I will make sure to not do anything stupid with that, and of course, I will do my best to not debilitate her with that.

These two things means a lot to me, and it was a thing I wanted to do since a while. That's not a spoiler but her cardiac issue will make a plot point, but not a Hisao one.

It will be a plot for her future life, you'll understand it during the story. But this disability will not be the major topic of this fic, don't worry.

Thanks for the advice though. I will think about an eventually change, but as I said, these two things means a lot for me, but her cardiac issue will be a minor topic, until a specific moment, which is not a Hisao kind of.
Kenji > Lilly = Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Misha is a MOAB, she's out of the competition.

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Re: Beyond The Haze [OC] - Prologue added 11-12-2018

Post by Razoredge » Fri Nov 16, 2018 6:50 pm

Act I: Whisper


White void

An entire week has passed. In this 3-3 class, I can't remember any name. A loud pink-haired disturbs me, but I heard she's always like that. Maybe she makes up for her deaf friend. It was a banal week. Not for my heart, that being said.

My first day of swimming was pretty intense. I'm not a very good swimmer, I can't swim for a long time. After a few lengths, my heart beat like crazy. I was frightened, I knew it was sure to happen. Every time my heart is at the wrong pace, I'm scared. Even if I take my pills every day, the same fear consumes my mind.

However, I love my swimming suit. I think it suits me well. As plain as it is, I love it. My previous swimsuits were badly cut. They were at the right size, but I don't know why, but something was wrong with the chest.

I have to carry on, and my progress will come out. I'm always swimming before dinner. I don't even know why, but it was a habit for me. And every time I'm swimming, I'm hungry. I ask what time is it to a swimming partner, half past six. I'm swimming for an hour.

One more length and I take my shower. The water in the shower is pretty hot, much more than the pool. I love hot water, it's reassuring. The steam wraps me up, such a nice feeling. But I can't spend my time taking a shower. My stomach thinks my throat's been cut.

Ten minutes later, I'm on the way to a nice dinner. Some students do the same. Before winter, I try to eat before dusk. It's a comforting habit since I was ten. In the line, I'm wondering what I can eat. Someone pushes me a little.

It could be insignificant, but the same person wraps her arm around my neck. Only a few people do the same thing to me. I'm at school, only Saki could do this to me. Her smell speaks for her. I like her cuddles, they are so sweet. I'm very tall, so she must be on tiptoe.

"Want somebody to eat with? She asks me."

" Of course, I want. You're always welcome."

There five or six people before me. I still have the time to choose my meal. Tonight, I don't want to eat meat, fish is a good choice. With some fried veggies, it will be perfect. My turn comes, and I take my meal. Saki takes some vegetables and meat. An ordinary meal.

She searches for two seats, and we're done. I have some things to tell her, so for me, it's the right moment. I take a bite of fish. Not bad. Tasty and juicy. I always had a preference for fish. But I sigh. Mom told me some bad news.

"You know my father is a heavy smoker, don't you? Mom told me it's worse than ever."

"He knows you hate that, right? Why does he still smoking?" She asks me, worried.

"It seems his work exhaust him too much. When he's tired, he smokes a lot to be awake. He knows that I hate this thing, so, every time I'm at home, he goes outside." I sigh once again.

She looks troubled. My father always worked hard for us. I admire him for that. He never takes care of himself. His family is his number one priority. Sometimes, I try to convince him to take time for him. And every time, I talk to a brick wall.

" He stills work late?"

" Yeah. You know what it is. A typical salaryman who takes work with him at home." I'm afraid for him, very afraid.

" It's ok, Kaori. He knows you're scared for him, and he will change, I'm sure he will." Saki is always confident about these things.

The rest of the meal is silent. In fact, this place isn't noisy. At midday, there is such bustle, but not during dinner. Fatigue is a vicious matter. Somebody shows up in my field of view. A girl with her arm wrapped in a bandage. She must be a classmate, but I don't know who is she. She's with a girl with some flashy blue hair. She seems pretty tired.

Once we have done, we clean our table and leave this place. Outside, the weather is lovely. Not too warm, but not too cold. I lie down in the grass. It's moist but also pleasant. I feel like a child. When I was young, I loved to lie down in the grass with my mother.

Your body is surrounded by feelings. Dampness, coolness, you lose all notion of time, your mind is sucked into a white void. At midnight, with my mother, when everything was quiet, my heart beats were the only thing I heard. Such a simple, yet wonderful thing. Just me, and my mother. Nothing else.

" You see these stars? When I was young, I thought I could touch them. I was amazed, as much as a kid could be. Sometimes, I wonder if stars are souls. That's childish right? " I giggle.

" We're all children in our heart. Don't be ashamed to think like that. " She smiles, her eyes closed.

The wind blows, quietly, peacefully. My hair goes wavy as I nearly fall asleep. I'm pretty tired. Everything is silent here. No noise, no cars horn, no public works, just me, Saki and our friend the wind. My mind reaches the white void. But all good things come to an end. We need to go to bed.

Tonight, I'll sleep tight. My mind is peaceful, and swimming tired me. I wish her a good night, and I reach my room. My pajamas wait for me. It's a casual thing. A black jogging pants with a white tank top. Simple things are the best. I put it on me, and I go to bed.

Before I fall asleep, something pops up in my mind. It's about my way of swimming. I need to ease my speed. I have to swim slowly. I have to increase my stamina. With this state of mind, everything will be better.

Then, I'm in the arms of Morpheus. That was a good week. A tough start, but a nice finish.
Last edited by Razoredge on Wed Nov 28, 2018 3:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
Kenji > Lilly = Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Misha is a MOAB, she's out of the competition.

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Re: Beyond The Haze [Lilly x OC] - I-2 added 11-27-2018

Post by Razoredge » Tue Nov 27, 2018 12:55 pm

Fleeting words

Sunday. What a lovely day. During the week, I swim before dinner. But, when Sunday comes, I always swim in the morning, to help me wake up. Every Sunday, I get up at a quarter past seven. My stomach rumbles, and I'm going to get some breakfast. Every morning, I eat the same thing. Some rice with greens and a boiled egg. Nothing fancy, but strongly nourishing. I'm not very original with food.

Outside, there's nearly nobody. Most students are still sleeping. I never was a huge sleeper. Sometimes, I only sleep for four hours. Of course, at midday, I'm tired, but I cannot do otherwise. My swimming suit is in my bag - with a towel, too. I have plenty of time, so it's pointless to run. On my way, I wonder if I'll become a great swimmer someday.

The swimming pool's building looks exactly the same as the others. Everything here looks trite. Except for the gate - that is too pompous. When I reach the pool, I'm stunned. Absolutely no noise. Three people are swimming, quietly, and that's all. Sunday is one of my favorite days, just because of that. In the locker room, I put my swimming suit on and head for the pool.

On the diving board, I gaze at the surface of the water. Smooth as a mirror. I take a huge inspiration, and I dive. I never open my eyes under water. In a pool, the water is always saturated with chlorine. I swim the crawl, every time. It's the only kind of swim stroke I'm able to do. I do a few slow laps as a warmup. That's essential. Without a good warmup, the chance of injuries is tremendous.

I take my time, I don't want to hurt myself. My warmup is always around two or three laps. Sometimes, I say Hello or a few other words to my swimming partners.

When I'm in the pool, I'm focused on my training. Everything else doesn't matter. I have to admit, swimming is not my favorite pastime. Nevertheless, the nurse told me to swim, for my heart. He knows what's good for me. If I give up, if I don't follow my treatment correctly, I'll go back to square one.

When I was at the hospital, everything was different. I couldn't walk a few meters without anyone. My heart was in poor condition, and everything was made to help me to bear the surgery and the treatment. I just can't thank them enough, but at night, when I was alone, the heaviness on my chest was so hard to bear that I burst into tears.

I don't want to go through that again. So, I have to swim. The pool is like a way out. I will live like that for the rest of my life, but I have to keep fit. Every day, I try to swim between half an hour and an hour. It reinforces my heart, and it develops my muscles a little. A perfect sport, after all.

Then my real training begins. I don't swim really quick, but I'm trying to improve. Perseverance is the key. If I surrender, I will never get better. I start my laps, slowly, and I speed up from the third lap. I'm focused on my swimming, and I must keep this state of mind.

...................................

Half an hour of training is adequate. It doesn't tire me too much. I take a quick but warm shower. You just can't swim and put your clothes back on without a shower. Chlorine is not a good thing for skin. I wonder what I can do before lunch. I have nothing planned today.

Suddenly, I remember that I have finished the only book I currently have from the library. I have a substantial collection of books at home, but in a rush, I forgot to take some of these. Time to go to the library. It's on the second floor of the main building. I'm a regular, I can't pass two weeks without a book.

When I reach my destination, I wonder what kind of book I should borrow. I push the door, and I walk into the library. This place is always silent, that's really nice. The librarian is working behind her desk. It must be the librarian. Someone who works in a library with some books' reservation stuff is a librarian.

I make a few steps, and I hear a little greeting. The voice is so low, I can't recognize it. I just answer to this greeting and head for the first shelf. I search for a few minutes, but there's nothing attractive. Sometimes, I can be difficult with books.

" You want something particularly, kitten?"

Only three people call me by that nickname. My mother, my father and... Yuuko. She's aware of my problem and calls me like that to help me to remember her. That's nice of her.

" Oh, Hi Yuuko. Sorry, I didn't recognize your voice initially. " I smile to her. She takes care of us, in her own way. " Yes, do you have some books about Japanese mythology? I love this kind of books."

She does not know if some books are currently available. She searches on her computer, then she smiles.

" Yes. This is on the third shelf on the right, in front of you." She answers me with her sweet voice.

" Thank you, Yuuko. You're too kind."

I go towards the third shelf. In my mind, some wishes tumble out. I have a vague idea of what I'm looking for, but nothing specific. I search a book with a good title. All of a sudden, I hear a voice next to me. I was so obsessed with my search for the perfect book, I didn't notice someone was alongside me.

" Do you know where this book is? "

I raise my head and meet a pretty blonde girl with blue eyes. She must be a foreigner. You can't find a lot of Japanese people with blonde hair and blue eyes. She has a paper in her hand, with a title written on it. So, she wants a book about Japanese mythology too.

I look at the shelf and directly find her book. It's at the top, with some other books. I take it because I'm taller than she. The front cover is full of dots underneath the title. It must be Braille. Why should a book be covered with dots if it's not written in Braille?

" There it is. You like Japanese mythology too?"

" Thanks. I try to diversify my reading. But it's a good subject, I have to admit." She answers me, smiling.

She must be blind, her eyes speak for her, and the book too. But I won't say anything about that. We all have our problems, and some of us doesn't want to talk about that.

" Oh, forgive my bad manners. Lilly, Lilly Satou. " Her voice is sweet and peaceful.

" Kaori, Kaori Yamamoto. Nice to meet you. " I'm honest, it's a real pleasure for me to meet new people. But I have to find new stratagems to remember each person.

I try to write her description down on my mind. A blonde girl with blue eyes, and a sweet voice. She even has a hair bow. I have to retain this description. I know I'll never be able to memorize her face, but I can remember some details if I repeat them regularly.

" Thanks again for the book, Kaori, you're too kind. " She still smiles. Her smile is a marvelous thing.

" Don't worry. It was my pleasure." I answer to her.

We go back to Yuuko’s desk to register our books. Then she leaves the library first. I talk with Yuuko about trivial things before leaving the library, too. I will spend the rest of the day reading this book.

Not a bad morning. A bit of swimming, and an encounter with a lovely girl. Not so bad. I love this kind of day. I need more of these.


Thanks to Mirage_GSM for his reading and his help about my writing. I really appreciate it.
Kenji > Lilly = Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Misha is a MOAB, she's out of the competition.

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Re: Beyond The Haze [Lilly x OC] - I-2 added 11-27-2018

Post by Oddball » Thu Dec 06, 2018 9:33 pm

Not too shabby so far. You character's narration has a lot of personality in it and I like the details of how she has to remember her friends and family.
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Re: Beyond The Haze [Lilly x OC] - I-2 added 11-27-2018

Post by Razoredge » Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:58 am

I appreciate it, really. I always try to improve my writing, and the help of Mirage will be a really good thing for me.
Kenji > Lilly = Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Misha is a MOAB, she's out of the competition.

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