I'm not entirely sure what to say about this one. SpaG isn't good, but that's to be expected from someone who prefaces the story with "[...] you may see lot of mistakes and crude langue." Story isn't canon, but because it specifically disregards explicitly stated (and memorable) points of the original work, I assume it did so intentionally. The actual content of the story has, as Mirage said, been written better many times - this one doesn't win me over with excellent writing, and it's certainly not going to win me over with surprise.
I think my main problem here was a breach of immersion. The entire time I was reading, I wasn't wondering what Hanako would think next, or even how she would portray what came next; I was thinking "What's the author going to do next?" This story read like a fairly boring, clinical description of events that accidentally ended up in first person. I could've forgiven that a little if the ending was decent - after all, clinical descriptions of events do happen in real life situations sometimes - but instead I got what is possibly the worst ending I have seen on this forum. After writing an entire story about one event from years ago, the author summarizes Hanako's life story as quickly as he can, then pulls a complete 180 in the span of one paragraph and suddenly the world is bright and cheery, and Hanako's at peace with her past.
Single greatest improvement this fic could've used: Hanako needs a reason to be telling this story. If she's trying to come to terms with her past, then that turmoil needs to be on display. If she's reviewing how far she's come, then there needs to be more emphasis on how she changed, and how long and slow that process was (took a lot longer than one paragraph). Personally, the most interesting reason I can think of is that she's actually telling this story to someone else - I would've enjoyed it if she ended with "So this is my birthday", then looks at Hisao, who's been sitting there listening the whole time, like the crayon scene from the VN. It would've given the story more meaning than just "Oh yeah, things really sucked, but it's cool now."
That was a harsher review than I thought I'd be giving. I'm quite readily immersed in stories, even bad ones, but apparently if you manage to break my immersion I will not be kind about it.
Alright, alright, I hear ya. I put together two new ones with some help from Discord friends.Many_Users wrote:The banner's too much!
Primary: characters are by someone called Doodler, and the extra shelves are rtil's (though heavily modified).
Secondary: whole thing's by someone named "Ahmad Fuad Bin Ahiari" (except the text).
Feel free to use these links as hotlinks, they'll stay up for as long as I have any say in it. Changes can be made if need be. Ideas welcome!