Real Life KS-type Relationships

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SplendidClaw
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by SplendidClaw » Tue Mar 20, 2012 2:54 pm

I will say, given that you like KS (and other anime I presume? maybe video games?) there is some lonely boy out there who would be absolutely thrilled to date you, and hopefully he would try to make you happy. From a male perspective, women who understand such nerdy pursuits are a rare and precious breed.
Agreed x 1000. I've been on enough dates at this point that I dread that first awkward date. It's so rare to find girls that have similar hobbies as myself that I really have to try to strain myself to be entertained with whatever it is they are talking about. No matter how I thought a girl looked, if she was interested in KS or any one of the number of my hobbies, I would go out with her in an instant, and probably have a really good time just talking about it (no matter if we hit it off or not).



Anywho, I guess my problem is that I've never really had a "real-life" KS style relationship. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, but I've only had two more serious relationships(One was in the "young and stupid high school" phase, so I'm not even sure if that really counts). My other serious relationship, just kind of felt like going through the motions as a couple. I mean I obviously cared for her, and I wasn't a jackass or anything, but I didn't feel anywhere near the connection that I thought I would when one thinks about their first "big" relationship. I'm not really sure why, like I said it was a long relationship and we both broke it off on pretty even terms, but I guess it didn't fit into the idea of what I thought a really meaningful relationship would be.

I guess I have yet to meet the girl that really sparks my interest. I'm starting to think I set the bar too high when it comes to trying to find women to date. I expect them to have similar hobbies, know what they want to do with their lives, want to be in a serious relationship yet have enough fun with it to keep me guessing, be relatively attractive, actively take care of their body, be above average in intelligence, get along with my friends, etc. Looking back on that list.......it's pretty excessive lol. I guess I'm trying to hold girls I meet to the same standards that I hold to myself, and it's not really working out. I'm just not really sure about which qualities I prioritize over the others at the moment.

Guess there is just a disconnect between what I desire(a long term, meaningful, relationship) and the methods I am using to try to achieve this(more logic based as opposed to emotionally based).

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Paddy
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by Paddy » Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:10 pm

SplendidClaw wrote:
Guess there is just a disconnect between what I desire(a long term, meaningful, relationship) and the methods I am using to try to achieve this(more logic based as opposed to emotionally based).
Is there a disconnect? I don't think so. It's just hard to find people you like or like you these days, that's all.

There's nothing wrong with strategising about the kind of girl you want, I don't think. But I think you've got to start by grounding your relationship in friendship, first, then moving on to more serious matters. It's a win-win, since even if you don't gain a wife, you'll at least gain a contact, or some valuable life experience for the next time.

Then again, never having had a date much less a GF, I suppose that opinion's kinda hollow...
I'm weary of the railway,
Poor Paddy works on the railway.

Блажен муж, иже не иде на совет нечестивых.
Blessed is the man, who walks not in the counsel of the wicked. (Psalm 1:1)
Got questions about God, Christianity, or the Catholic Church?

Renkinjutsushi
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by Renkinjutsushi » Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:21 pm

SplendidClaw wrote:I guess I have yet to meet the girl that really sparks my interest. I'm starting to think I set the bar too high when it comes to trying to find women to date. I expect them to have similar hobbies, know what they want to do with their lives, want to be in a serious relationship yet have enough fun with it to keep me guessing, be relatively attractive, actively take care of their body, be above average in intelligence, get along with my friends, etc. Looking back on that list.......it's pretty excessive lol. I guess I'm trying to hold girls I meet to the same standards that I hold to myself, and it's not really working out. I'm just not really sure about which qualities I prioritize over the others at the moment.

Guess there is just a disconnect between what I desire(a long term, meaningful, relationship) and the methods I am using to try to achieve this(more logic based as opposed to emotionally based).
Yeah man, it kind of sounds like you are setting yourself up to fail. :? I realize it's a hard thing to temper your expectations about an ideal match, especially when you're young, but that's exactly what you need to do. It's kind of helpful if you set up a list of all the things you want, and then order them. Also try to realize that whatever girl you idealize has her own "list" and it's probably quite different than your own. A good match is where you line up on most of the key values. Maybe exercise and keeping fit is super important, or maybe it's certain hobbies.

For me, that list was something like this:

1) Genuinely caring person (not mean and cruel)
2) Cares enough to try to do better when they fail
3) Shares my hobbies and interests
4) Physically affectionate
5) willing to travel & experience new things

I could go on, but you get the point. When I really thought hard, some things jumped out at me that I didn't realize I valued so highly. Like physical affection, and not just sex, but lots of caring hugs, holding hands and such. I realized that was something not everyone wants or is willing to give, but for me it's important. So I finally found somebody who matched up with most of the key things I wanted, and I was able to let go of the "perfect match" idea.

Anyways, I am rambling and at risk of turning this thread into a relationship advice column so... I'll quit now. :lol: But if you have other specific questions about how to find a nice woman who puts up with your issues (we all got em) I'll try to give my 2 cents.

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micechasekittens
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by micechasekittens » Wed Mar 21, 2012 5:18 am

Renkinjutsushi wrote:
It sounds like you've had your heart stomped on by a bunch of jerks. :(

I will say, given that you like KS (and other anime I presume? maybe video games?) there is some lonely boy out there who would be absolutely thrilled to date you, and hopefully he would try to make you happy. From a male perspective, women who understand such nerdy pursuits are a rare and precious breed.

Whether or not such a relationship would make you happy, I can't say. A good way to get an understanding of people before you decide if they're worth trusting enough to date is to talk to some of their friends first.

But before you begin any relationship, I would highly suggest seeking some help for your feelings of worthlessness, that "no one could truly love you." I guarantee you that is actually false. True love, as I understand it, is when another person values your happiness at least as much as they value their own.

Anyways, make sure you are actually ready for somebody to love you before you seek it out. Sometimes, you will unconsciously hurt or drive away the very person you love because of past hurts and fears of intimacy with other people. Make sure you don't poison an otherwise successful romance with unreasonable fears such as "I can't let him in too close... I can't risk him hurting me."

That's all the advice I can honestly give. Really, seeking professional counseling wouldn't be a bad idea, but I can certainly understand it's not right for everyone.
You are right about the games and anime interests. I have like 10 consoles including my original nes. Silly as it sounds, I love watching competitive starcraft 2 and playing -before my nice computer broke (I even have a mutalisk necklace). I don't watch as much anime as I used to, but I love learning the themes on piano. I have lost potential friends due to pushing them away and my depression. I view compliments as people just being nice to me rather than being truthful. Being cruel to myself is almost a coping mechanism, because then I won't raise my hopes only to fall much further. I wonder who'd actually want to be with such a frail, shrinking violet bookwormish girl like me when they could be with someone full of energy and not so plain looking.

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Babli
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by Babli » Wed Mar 21, 2012 5:58 am

micechasekittens wrote: I wonder who'd actually want to be with such a frail, shrinking violet bookwormish girl like me when they could be with someone full of energy and not so plain looking.
Me.

Seriously :D

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Paddy
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by Paddy » Wed Mar 21, 2012 7:49 am

You are right about the games and anime interests. I have like 10 consoles including my original nes. Silly as it sounds, I love watching competitive starcraft 2 and playing -before my nice computer broke (I even have a mutalisk necklace). I don't watch as much anime as I used to, but I love learning the themes on piano. I have lost potential friends due to pushing them away and my depression. I view compliments as people just being nice to me rather than being truthful. Being cruel to myself is almost a coping mechanism, because then I won't raise my hopes only to fall much further. I wonder who'd actually want to be with such a frail, shrinking violet bookwormish girl like me when they could be with someone full of energy and not so plain looking.
*hugs*
Come on... you cannot be that terrible!! Do you know how many lonely, lonely guys would die just to have a girl like you?

Approachable women are in rare form these days. Now is your time to shine!

And if the "If this forum was Yamaku" thread is any insight, quite clearly there are a lot - a HELLUVA lot - who like the shy, intellectual type.

Listen, squirt: do NOT sell yourself short. Trust me. There IS going to be a guy out there who at least would love your companionship - especially with an NES? Seriously???

You've got a goldmine, sis! Don't hide it!! ;D
I'm weary of the railway,
Poor Paddy works on the railway.

Блажен муж, иже не иде на совет нечестивых.
Blessed is the man, who walks not in the counsel of the wicked. (Psalm 1:1)
Got questions about God, Christianity, or the Catholic Church?

Brodoin
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by Brodoin » Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:01 am

I don't believe in fate, but I like to think that everyone has a perfect match somewhere in the world, no matter what problems, disabilities, or scars they have.

Renkinjutsushi
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by Renkinjutsushi » Wed Mar 21, 2012 12:56 pm

micechasekittens wrote: You are right about the games and anime interests. I have like 10 consoles including my original nes. Silly as it sounds, I love watching competitive starcraft 2 and playing -before my nice computer broke (I even have a mutalisk necklace). I don't watch as much anime as I used to, but I love learning the themes on piano. I have lost potential friends due to pushing them away and my depression. I view compliments as people just being nice to me rather than being truthful. Being cruel to myself is almost a coping mechanism, because then I won't raise my hopes only to fall much further. I wonder who'd actually want to be with such a frail, shrinking violet bookwormish girl like me when they could be with someone full of energy and not so plain looking.
Believe it or not, a lot of guys are actually terrified by the "pretty girls" and wouldn't want that at all. I know if my fiancee were as drop-dead stunning as say, Lilly, I would be really freaked out and probably feel unworthy of her. But no, we both wear glasses, we're huge dorks (favorite thing is to play WoW together) neither of us are athletic or will ever be model material, and we are both absolutely OK with that.

If you need proof, look at all the guys just absolutely baring their souls for Hanako all over this forum. Why is that? Because they so desperately wish they could get to know a girl like that - a shy, bookish girl who constantly looks at the floor and never knows the right thing to say. They feel in their hearts that they could be most happy with a girl like Hanako, and if what you say about yourself is true, exactly like you as well.

If you still don't believe me, you could try posting an anonymous picture of yourself on here, doing what you usually do. Looking shy and reading a book. See how many guys instantly praise you and want to get to know you better. Are some of them internet creeps? Possibly. But I bet more than 90% of them are absolutely sincere and feel that they have been looking for a girl like you their entire adult lives, if not longer.

Try saying this to yourself sometimes, while looking in the mirror: "I'm a shy, retiring, nerdy girl. I love books, anime, and video games. There are millions of other boys and girls just exactly like me. They want the same things I want. They will appreciate me and love me for who I am, inside and out." If you say that enough times, you may start to realize just how true it really is. 8)

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Sin of my sins
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by Sin of my sins » Wed Mar 21, 2012 1:12 pm

micechasekittens wrote: I wonder who'd actually want to be with such a frail, shrinking violet bookwormish girl like me when they could be with someone full of energy and not so plain looking.
You'd be surprised if you knew how many guys fall for girls with common interests they share, take anime, manga and games for example. I have only dated girls with 'regular girly' interests, but I say I'd rather spend my day watching anime and playing games with a girl rather than go shopping (or, be a luggagemule as it usually turns out to be) any day.

And, as far as I can say, beuaty is in the eyes, and people tend to judge their own appereances more than anyone else. Just keep your head up and you'll find that special someone for sure.

ps. You should check Nintendofangirls' videos on youtube, the amount of boys drooling after her is hilarious. :D


Renkinjutsushi wrote: If you need proof, look at all the guys just absolutely baring their souls for Hanako all over this forum. Why is that? Because they so desperately wish they could get to know a girl like that - a shy, bookish girl who constantly looks at the floor and never knows the right thing to say. They feel in their hearts that they could be most happy with a girl like Hanako, and if what you say about yourself is true, exactly like you as well.
*Looks away blushing*

axlryder
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by axlryder » Wed Mar 21, 2012 1:24 pm

Well, consider I practically WAS Rin all the way up until a few years ago in my mid to late teens (during which I regrettably forced myself to undergo a psychological transformation to adapt better in a less than accommodating society), pretty much every relationship I've been in has mirrored the one between Hisao and Rin in KS.

My first GF told me I was too serious all the time and I could never hold a normal conversation. My second GF I broke up with because she wanted to "fix" me but clearly didn't understand me. My third SO I would blow off for my art all the time and could never really relate to her feelings. I remember one time I went to her house and just fell asleep on her when she was trying to get in my pants, we then took a walk for 2 hours and when she asked where we were going I broke up with her. My fourth girlfriend was much like my second. My fifth SO only dated me because she thought I was a interesting, but after a while she got bored. That relationship was particularly hard, because she was a very intelligent person. she may have actually understood me, or at least, aspects of me, but she was too emotionally jaded and cynical to care or just didn't feel like being with a weirdo. She said she loved me before, but it was clear later that it was all a facade for the sake of her own amusement. Almost all of them said I randomly cried too much for no reason. It goes on like that for 4 or 5 more relationships. Most of these girls make me sadder in retrospect though, because I'm a pretty decent looking guy, so I know most of them only dated me because they found me attractive, my quirky personality only creating a veneer of intrigue or something like that. They liked the IDEA of me, not the real me. what's more, none of them were comfortable with silence and none of them could just be content to sit and feel everything around them with someone close to them. After a while they would berate me for just being who I am. I'll admit to being wishy-washy myself though. I can be egotistical, frustrating, moody and hard to deal with. I'll do stupid things just to feel something new. I'm weird about sex too. I'm more like a girl in that regard. I also know I don't really fit the typical standard of the idealized "alpha-male". II'm really just saying that it's not all the girls, I'm a big part of the problem too beyond just the idiosyncratic nature of my personality. Now I just stopped dating. Even though I can hold a conversation and make small talk, there's no point. A relationship means nothing if nobody can really see you or can't accept/love you once they do. Maybe someday I'll meet someone, but it doesn't really matter. Not right now, anyway.

It is kind of funny how much less endearing this all probably is coming from a guy. Just kind of how the world works I guess.
Last edited by axlryder on Wed Mar 21, 2012 1:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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kyouriharu
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by kyouriharu » Wed Mar 21, 2012 1:34 pm

Oh boy. Things to get off my chest.



I never dated some disabled. Instead, I was the one legally blind and I have always felt so vulnerable about it even through many relationships. I also used it to my advantage because it was a fantastic, but yet awkward, ice breaker. But this one girl, this one damn girl, was different.

Four years ago, I was young and just started attending a university. I lived a little far from where I used to and it strained some of my friendships especially with my best friend at the time. She had to stay with her mom because she's one of her interpreters; her mom was deaf and she picked up ASL when she was young. She also works for the disability's office for a local community college. Therefore, she could not afford any prolonged time away from her mother and her job. Learning ASL really nailed her to the floor but it helped her find a career path.

Anyways, I knew her almost throughout high school prior to going to a university. Though I went to an all guys school, she was always walking distance away from my high school so we would always hang out after wards. I even learned some ASL through either osmosis or direct lessons from her (though now, I am horribly out of practice and such). She was also my go-to girl whenever I have any problem with women. For a while, she had this craziest obsession of seeing me without my glasses, removing them as she pleased. Being legally blind, whenever she did that, I flipped out. Granted, I always have a spare on me but it was always a dick move. She stopped when I told her I had a panic attack trying to find them in a concert.

We were so used to hanging out that she was immensely disappointed when I told her I was going to a school about an hour and a half away to study engineering. She added that she was always envious of me with my sights firm on an engineering career path. She, herself, could not figure out what to do despite being two years older than me. Before we said any formal good-byes, we had a pretty cheesy confession scene. And I kid you not, it was almost exactly like this:
Me: Hey, I think I like you.
Her: Yeah, I know.
Me: You took that from Han Solo, didn't you?
Her: Well, you know I'm awkward with this kind of situation so I don't know what I should say.
Me: It's alright. With me gone for a while, you have time to figure out what to say.
Okay, I wasn't the most suave guy in the planet. And I wasn't the nicest. She had previous relationships that exploded on her, and I knew. One boyfriend raped her which I rather not go into detail. But it was emotionally traumatizing and it really strained one period of our friendship because she temporarily lost trust on the male sex. But I was her best friend, and I genuinely liked her. And, well, I knew I forced her into an awkward situation because, at that time, I arrogantly knew what she would say when the time came.

Anyways, we still kept in touch with the magic of the internet. I just got into college and she was about to get her AA and needed figure out what to do with it. We spoke every day, never mentioning about that lingering confession I dropped on her. This was mainly because I didn't want to crowbar an answer out of her, but it was also because there were some fine women on campus. There was one girl in particular, who I got way too close to. I made the two mistakes: adding her on Facebook, and talking to my friend about her. Then I felt her snap and we stopped speaking for a few weeks.

I never pinned her as the jealous type, to be honest. On one of my weekend trips home, I went to her place and rang her bell. Her mother answered (she wired the place to make a light flash when people ring the bell) and I tried my best to ask where she was.She told me she was out but will be back soon. She even invited me in to wait for her. When she came in, I confronted her, this time without glasses, but with contacts for the first time in a while. She knew how much I hate contacts, but I knew how much she said she loved the shape of my eyes. In the weeks we stopped talking, I realized that without talking to her, I really have no one else. I was too arrogant before this moment, claiming her too early and willing to risk pretty much parading with another woman after I told her I liked her. It was wrong and I feel sick typing it out right now.

And with my knowledge of ASL, I signed "I love you." I remember it was one of the first things I asked from her when she was teaching me. She then repeated the gestures before me and that was it.

I could go on about how the following year was the best year I could ever live. How we were such an ideal couple. How she was so Rin-like, and I was too Shizune-like. And all the fights we got into, and how a petty we looked at our fights the following dinner. But we were a pretty normal, college couple, with about an hour's worth of distance between us.

But she was granted an ultimatum. She has always struggled trying to find a future for herself but when an opening for teaching (for ASL and English) came, she could not refuse. Well she could, if for me. The school was a nation away, and she would live with her aunt there if she said yes. I knew our relationship could withstand a 60-90 minute drive, but a 6 hour flight? Prior to her decision, I always told her to do whatever she desired. But her plans were to try to ultimately weave them with me. She even got accepted into my university but it was not really known for teaching. She had just a few weeks to ponder over this decision, roughly the same amount of time we stopped talking almost 8 months prior to that.

From there, my mind subconsciously grew sour. I didn't understand why. At this point I was dead weight for her and her career path. We got into a petty fight, one we could get over with if it was a normal time. It was stupid, I was a little upset because I lost a game of Super Smash Bros. Brawl to her because she was edge hogging. But we were strained, she told me I was too over competitive and too obsessive sometimes over her. I should have kept my mouth shut, just once in my life. Or maybe my subconscious knew that it would never work out with that much distance and wanted to give her a legit reason to dump me.

And that was it. She said yes to the decision and left. Her mother gave me the departure time if I wanted to see her off. But of course, I didn't.

Playing Lilly's route, I can't help but think of what if I did run after her, just as Hisao did for Lilly. And from playing Shizune's route, we went out separate ways but I knew we would probably never reach that level of intimacy again. And from playing Rin's route, what the fuck was wrong with me.

Last winter, three years after our break up, she came back to visit her mom. When I had news of it, I decided to visit. She was different, more defiant and less "matter the fact." I was too, I took my classes seriously and I was adamant to be the best engineer there was. That winter break, we hung out a lot, just like we did in high school. We dared not mention our relationship. Our break up was so verbally gory, it would be opening old wounds. This time I did see her off, but I was not one to let this opportunity pass me again. I knew she was dating already, and I wasn't. I sneaked a kiss to her cheek before she left. She laughed.

"You were probably the best boyfriend anyone could ever have."

Yeah... right. First time we spoke about our relationship, even through our slow emailed replies. But she was sincere, I really hoped she was lying.

To clarify:
- We never got into big fights. It wasn't an unhealthy relationship, I believe. We just fought over who gets to drive, what to eat, once a while. Small, petty fights
- We were local to California, she would move to New York
- We dated for about 8 months
- The fight that caused our break up really was over a stupid match. But I got a little verbally defensive and it was a slippery slope from there.
- Her aunt and her adviser granted that ultimatum. They managed to form an alumni affairs settlement and she was a shoe in.

I really had to get that out of my system. Playing the game was more emotionally stressing than I thought.
Last edited by kyouriharu on Wed Mar 21, 2012 1:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Brodoin
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by Brodoin » Wed Mar 21, 2012 1:35 pm

Renkinjutsushi wrote: If you need proof, look at all the guys just absolutely baring their souls for Hanako all over this forum. Why is that? Because they so desperately wish they could get to know a girl like that - a shy, bookish girl who constantly looks at the floor and never knows the right thing to say. They feel in their hearts that they could be most happy with a girl like Hanako, and if what you say about yourself is true, exactly like you as well.
This is true.

zanger
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by zanger » Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:21 pm

Brodoin wrote:
Renkinjutsushi wrote: If you need proof, look at all the guys just absolutely baring their souls for Hanako all over this forum. Why is that? Because they so desperately wish they could get to know a girl like that - a shy, bookish girl who constantly looks at the floor and never knows the right thing to say. They feel in their hearts that they could be most happy with a girl like Hanako, and if what you say about yourself is true, exactly like you as well.
This is true.
Yea but how many of them have been in such a relationship? A person exhibiting some of Hanako's characteristics (depression, withdrawal) pushes people away. And when they act like that towards people who care about them, it isn't something most will put up with, regardless of whatever romantic misconceptions they have formed in their mind prior to that.

Renkinjutsushi
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by Renkinjutsushi » Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:36 pm

axlryder wrote: They liked the IDEA of me, not the real me. what's more, none of them were comfortable with silence and none of them could just be content to sit and feel everything around them with someone close to them. After a while they would berate me for just being who I am. I'll admit to being wishy-washy myself though. I can be egotistical, frustrating, moody and hard to deal with. I'll do stupid things just to feel something new. I'm weird about sex too. I'm more like a girl in that regard. I also know I don't really fit the typical standard of the idealized "alpha-male". II'm really just saying that it's not all the girls, I'm a big part of the problem too beyond just the idiosyncratic nature of my personality. Now I just stopped dating. Even though I can hold a conversation and make small talk, there's no point. A relationship means nothing if nobody can really see you or can't accept/love you once they do. Maybe someday I'll meet someone, but it doesn't really matter. Not right now, anyway.
This is sad. :( I know exactly what you mean, about somebody liking you for "an idea of what you are" rather than who you really are. You might have better luck meeting somebody online (I did) where attraction is less about perceptions and more about what you actually say/ shared interests, etc.

axlryder
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Re: Real Life KS-type Relationships

Post by axlryder » Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:39 pm

zanger wrote:
Brodoin wrote:
Renkinjutsushi wrote: If you need proof, look at all the guys just absolutely baring their souls for Hanako all over this forum. Why is that? Because they so desperately wish they could get to know a girl like that - a shy, bookish girl who constantly looks at the floor and never knows the right thing to say. They feel in their hearts that they could be most happy with a girl like Hanako, and if what you say about yourself is true, exactly like you as well.
This is true.
Yea but how many of them have been in such a relationship? A person exhibiting some of Hanako's characteristics (depression, withdrawal) pushes people away. And when they act like that towards people who care about them, it isn't something most will put up with, regardless of whatever romantic misconceptions they have formed in their mind prior to that.
This is completely true. So many people want to jump into this sort of relationship but don't really understand the implications of it. Of course everyone is different, but It's not like you're going to hold and cuddle that person and suddenly there aren't going to be anymore road blocks in the relationship. Often times people will actively sabotage the relationship when someone gets too close. Usually deep-set feelings of cynicism grab hold of their psyche and the emotional damage might manifest itself in some unrelated psychosis or disorder. That or they simply won't open up either because they can't or they refuse. Also consider that the amount of pent up emotional energy such a person has is more likely than not going to explode all over the one who dates them because it's at that point that they might start letting their guard down. Plus, simply being in such a relationship may seem nice, but it's amazing how often people aren't satisfied once they get exactly what they want. Or at least, what they think they want.

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