Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Xiious]

If I wasn't at a computer, I'd be sitting in corner listening to the most depressing music I know.

I don't know what to try.... I'm completely lost in my head right now.... I really think I shouldn't be talking to anyone... My phone's been ringing but I haven't been answering...

I can't cry.... the tears just won't come... All I can do is sit in pain and wait...

I decided to read more of My Girl...and...

I think I know how I'm going to deal with this right now... but I think that I should spend time alone. I'll still be here to browse but.... for a while I'm just gonna be quiet.

[Erenussocrates]

Tonight, after I obtained the worst ending at Katawa Shoujo the very first time I finished, I paused and considered my life throughout childhood to now, for a moment.



At first, I was probably a regular one as a child, if we overlook me being too obssessed with silly computer games since I was 3, and me being a good drawer as a child and such. I had no brothers or sisters.
My parents had registered me into a good public school, the kind that mostly rich families’ children go to, the kind that you have to pay a shit ton of money to educate your precious kid.
So, my life was pretty much ordinary then. Being a little hellion, running around, not paying attention to classes and stuff. I was even sweet for that prettiest girl of the grade. And I had her attention.


Then, one day, the whole world came crashing down around me when my parents divorced. Even though I felt that coming in back of my head thanks to all of their constant raging quarrels, which I never understood as a child, but I was never worried anyways. I know, an usual story nowadays..
And then, the stupid choices I had to make as a witless poor child rolled up. I remember my mom secretly asking me in the middle of a goddamn night, either if I would go with her or if I would stay with my father, because “she couldn’t stand him anymore”..
And then, affairs got even more shitty, longer, complicated and unworthy of writing here. The affairs that include escaping in a car with my mother and with a relative to the other end of the country, and constantly moving around cities and changing schools.

Meanwhile; my social life, self confidence and obviously my overall happiness were ruined as well. I had little to no friendships, which ended pretty fast in case if there were any, because of moving around. Even today, I cannot count how many times I changed school.
And after some time, bullyings began. I would get bullied and after that, I would go and bully on some other kid who was even weaker than me as well. In time, I grew more and more introverted, naive and shy, and around elementary 3rd grade, I had no female friends.
Things changed, and I wanted to go back to my father in frustration, because he looked like he could offer me a life that I would like. He had a new wife, new life, I also had a step brother, and there was that computer. I thought that I could make an escape to these things. I thought I would be okay if I just forgetted my sorrows in front of a screen.
So I changed school again, moving along my father. Also that was the time that I first found out about the internet and anime. I guess I was around 13 back then. Oh, also my father divorced again and I never seen my step brother again.
I wanted a fresh start at school. I wanted acceptance. Then it got even worse with time. Then I started totally devoting myself to the computer bit by bit.
Highschool, at first, I was at the edge of suicide. I felt like almost everything was against me literally. Even my father, who was never satisfied with me, and who never had indulgence. I would hate even my father and mother. And even now, I still hate that blood inside me.


Then, stuff which I don’t really care happened, and we moved back into our hometown, which we used to live when I was happy and my parents were still together. There, I found some of my childhood friends, I found a little bit of happiness, and companionship. I paced my life. I was like reborn, I also began playing guitar and grew interest in music. I reduced the time I spent in front of computer. I made a bit of social status and regained much of my self confidence.
But I still couldn’t communicate with girls. I just have no experience with females and I got nervous even when I was about to talk to one. I just hadn’t any common pursuits with any of them and I just didn’t know what I should talk about with them.

So, after finishing this novel and receiving the worst ending. I came to the realization of all of these things once again. The realization of no salvation for me.

Even though it's a game, I proved myself to be hopeless against even some scripted, fictional girls. And it might be my first try, but there won't be a second chances in life. And it is for sure now that I will fail finding somebody I could love in real life.

I believe that I overcame many difficulties, and reached a more mature mindstate than ever.
But whatever job I will do, living without a true companion beside me, and the truth that I will most probably never have one, is killing me. It feels like living a pointless life. Like a herb..
The moment that I realized this, I wanted to play guitar no more, I wanted to draw no more, I wanted sleep no more, I wanted shit no more..


But still I seem to wrote this stupid pointless wall of text anyway. I don’t know why either.
Well, so this is how I feel right now.

[ArazelEternal]

Tonight, after I obtained the worst ending at Katawa Shoujo the very first time I finished, I paused and considered my life throughout childhood to now, for a moment.



At first, I was probably a regular one as a child, if we overlook me being too obssessed with silly computer games since I was 3, and me being a good drawer as a child and such. I had no brothers or sisters.
My parents had registered me into a good public school, the kind that mostly rich families’ children go to, the kind that you have to pay a shit ton of money to educate your precious kid.
So, my life was pretty much ordinary then. Being a little hellion, running around, not paying attention to classes and stuff. I was even sweet for that prettiest girl of the grade. And I had her attention.


Then, one day, the whole world came crashing down around me when my parents divorced. Even though I felt that coming in back of my head thanks to all of their constant raging quarrels, which I never understood as a child, but I was never worried anyways. I know, an usual story nowadays..
And then, the stupid choices I had to make as a witless poor child rolled up. I remember my mom secretly asking me in the middle of a goddamn night, either if I would go with her or if I would stay with my father, because “she couldn’t stand him anymore”..
And then, affairs got even more shitty, longer, complicated and unworthy of writing here. The affairs that include escaping in a car with my mother and with a relative to the other end of the country, and constantly moving around cities and changing schools.

Meanwhile; my social life, self confidence and obviously my overall happiness were ruined as well. I had little to no friendships, which ended pretty fast in case if there were any, because of moving around. Even today, I cannot count how many times I changed school.
And after some time, bullyings began. I would get bullied and after that, I would go and bully on some other kid who was even weaker than me as well. In time, I grew more and more introverted, naive and shy, and around elementary 3rd grade, I had no female friends.
Things changed, and I wanted to go back to my father in frustration, because he looked like he could offer me a life that I would like. He had a new wife, new life, I also had a step brother, and there was that computer. I thought that I could make an escape to these things. I thought I would be okay if I just forgetted my sorrows in front of a screen.
So I changed school again, moving along my father. Also that was the time that I first found out about the internet and anime. I guess I was around 13 back then. Oh, also my father divorced again and I never seen my step brother again.
I wanted a fresh start at school. I wanted acceptance. Then it got even worse with time. Then I started totally devoting myself to the computer bit by bit.
Highschool, at first, I was at the edge of suicide. I felt like almost everything was against me literally. Even my father, who was never satisfied with me, and who never had indulgence. I would hate even my father and mother. And even now, I still hate that blood inside me.


Then, stuff which I don’t really care happened, and we moved back into our hometown, which we used to live when I was happy and my parents were still together. There, I found some of my childhood friends, I found a little bit of happiness, and companionship. I paced my life. I was like reborn, I also began playing guitar and grew interest in music. I reduced the time I spent in front of computer. I made a bit of social status and regained much of my self confidence.
But I still couldn’t communicate with girls. I just have no experience with females and I got nervous even when I was about to talk to one. I just hadn’t any common pursuits with any of them and I just didn’t know what I should talk about with them.

So, after finishing this novel and receiving the worst ending. I came to the realization of all of these things once again. The realization of no salvation for me.

Even though it's a game, I proved myself to be hopeless against even some scripted, fictional girls. And it might be my first try, but there won't be a second chances in life. And it is for sure now that I will fail finding somebody I could love in real life.

I believe that I overcame many difficulties, and reached a more mature mindstate than ever.
But whatever job I will do, living without a true companion beside me, and the truth that I will most probably never have one, is killing me. It feels like living a pointless life. Like a herb..
The moment that I realized this, I wanted to play guitar no more, I wanted to draw no more, I wanted sleep no more, I wanted shit no more..


But still I seem to wrote this stupid pointless wall of text anyway. I don’t know why either.
Well, so this is how I feel right now.

I know how it feels to get a bad ending in the game. Ive posted this story in multiple different threads, but Ill post it here again and make it short.

I got Emis bad ending first playthrough. I didnt sleep but for maybe an hour that night, and to make it worse I had to work the next day. I was an asshole all day because I was tired and depressed as hell. I went home that night and spent time with the family. Then I went and played from my last save point and managed to get the good ending. I felt SO much better. Im glad I played it again.

My advice to you is to not stop playing because of one bad ending, and dont let it ruin your life. Play through again and make different choices, or even look at one of the walkthroughs or the flowcharts that are placed on this site.

If you dont mind me asking, whos bad ending did you get?

[Gandara]

Like a herb..

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult life you faced as a child. Divorce can be devastating to a child, and it quite obviously was in your case.

The biggest thing I took away from it - it seems like you blame yourself for a lot. Not necessarily for your parents' separation, which is more or less the cliche of child blame in a situation like yours, but rather you blame yourself for losing the ability to talk to girls. It's difficult when your life is shaken up so much, but it seems that you've grown up quite a bit... there's just that last piece you have to grow out of.

Girls can be pretty scary. It's difficult to know what to say around them, especially if you're interested in them. My advice - why not try reaching out a little more to some sort of group activities? Are you in high school / college? Are there any clubs you might be able to join? Even if they're only mildly interesting to you, you may still be able to get in touch with some people and make some new friends. When dealing with women, it's much easier to talk with them / get to know them if you're interacting in a group.

The biggest thing, however - don't ever say that your life is pointless. It's rough when you're alone. Everyone is alone at some point, some people more often than others. But if you put in the effort to build up your self confidence, to build up your confidence in talking to women, and to build up your own spirit, you will find someone. There's no "maybe" about it - it's all about self-motivation, helping yourself overcome your shortcomings.

I've said something like this before - being sad and moping and feeling like you will never have a girlfriend will, unfortunately, never result in getting a girlfriend. A woman will not materialize in your lap and declare her love for you (as so many mangas have made claim). You have to put in the effort to improve yourself to the point of being able to find someone. If you put in that time, there is someone out there for you - you simply have to find them.

And don't let your result in a computer game dictate your life. Katawa Shoujo, as well-written as it is, is no method of judging oneself. There's, like, four choices in the entire damn path - that's not at all realistic. In fact, playing the game, there were numerous times when I wish I could have done things differently than Hisao did, that I KNOW I would have done differently if it was me in his shoes. Unfortunately, you're being told a story in which you have a very limited amount of control, and if you mess up a couple small choices you get a "bad end." Don't let it eat you up inside - it's just a story. Play it again, try some different options, and you'll see a different result. But when it comes to real life, act by your own accord. Be true to yourself, and good things will come of it in the end.

[Gandara]

I think I know how I'm going to deal with this right now... but I think that I should spend time alone. I'll still be here to browse but.... for a while I'm just gonna be quiet.

If that's what it takes, then so be it. Just remember we're always here for you, man. And if you need any other help, feel free to PM me.

[yummines]

-edited out to save space-

i know that feel bro. i havent been through those kind of harsh life choices, but i have been on the verge of suicide before and im still pretty introverted. at least youre good at drawing and guitar, i dont have anything im good at

as for the bad ending, do you mean a certain character route, or the manly picnic? cause if you're new to this game, the manly picnic is the "worst ending" but the worst character ending is probably Hanako's bad ending. the good endings are worth it though, trust me. i got her bad ending on my first try on her route as well, so don't feel too bad about that.

me, mr 18 year old boy with nay a date to his name. a new record. every relationship i had with a female ended badly (save for 1, but even then i dont talk to her much) so don't feel too bad about that too. there are many things in life you can accomplish without having a significant other. and if you feel you really need one? go for it! there definitely is someone out there for you somewhere. internet dating sites can do. it did so for my brother. there's nothing wrong with that.

oh and listen to some music. that always helped me when i felt absolutely terrible.

ps. its not unusual to be sad with anyone

[Guest]

@ Xii - If part of the reason for your current emotional state is due to what I set up for you - well, I never quite intended to dredge up painful memories for you. If you feel the need to grieve for her again, then by all means do so - but I urge you to try to hold the memories as happy ones overall, not painful ones.
As for your desire not to really talk to anyone right now, that's why I recommended something like text or email. It gives you the ability to postpone any replies if you need to.

@Erenus - A couple things. Offhand, the novel stars Hisao, and not you. Hisao can do some pretty dumbass things that most people would avoid. Three of the bad (not neutral) endings are outright him either giving up completely or doing some pretty boneheaded things. (Except in Hanako's; I'd say that the originally-planned taking advantage of her while she was intoxicated would take the cake there. Or the originally-planned getting killed by her after managing to somehow provoke her into a suicidal rage.) There are many people on the forums who will testify to yelling at Hisao "what the hell are you doing" because they didn't think that picking their choice would have him act like that. Two of the other endings are his "personality" clashing hard with the female lead - I seem to recall reading something interesting on Megatokyo some years back that'd relate to that, it's basically a shoulder angel saying to her assigned human "well, sometimes there just aren't things you can do. A relationship requires both people to work at it. Life isn't a dating sim - sometimes, the relationship will fail, and there was nothing you could have done, because she is the one who failed it." (While this game is closer to a dating sim, the conflicts are set up to be largely the "fault" of the girls, and not of Hisao.) And the last bad ending is when he gets depressed enough to get completely hammered, with someone whose sanity is questionable, while on an unlit, unsafe, rooftop, at night.
(I'm actually curious which bad ending you got.)
The other - I myself was very awkward around girls for several years, too. That didn't really change until the last two years of high school. My best friend had a best female friend (that I suspected, correctly, he crushed on) that I, too, got along with quite well, and she was a bit of a huggy type. Awkward at first, but quickly became routine. I also ended up bonding with several girls in my art class, including one that I'd gone to school with, four hours drive away from that town, ten years and three moves (two of them international) previously. Somewhere along the way I became almost completely not awkward at all (it would take a few more years for me to not blush scarlet at any mention of sex if a female was present, but everyone just found that funny anyway, and that was the only exception). My best friend now, as the one I've already mentioned ended up betraying my trust at a very dark time, is female. And to show how different I've become from the awkward person I was before, she and I have discussed topics of any and every kind, including masturbation and what, specifically, childbirth will do to a woman's body. (Double points: both topics were covered in the same day.)

I used to be someone to freak out at the idea of hugging a girl I wasn't related to. And it actually goes a lot deeper than that - let's just say that out of two things I hid that someone I'd thought of as a friend at a young age (both his and mine) was responsible for... the one where he once attacked me with a chain, while having more of an immediate impact, is, by far, the better of the two. The other will never be fully revealed, not by me, because the person it did happen to deserves to have that left in the past forever, as she has chosen. (Her personal life, as far as I am aware, is actually doing much better than mine, and for that, I am grateful.)
Maturity, the realization that I couldn't have known enough to do things differently, and several different actions done to apologize and repent for my part, have left that issue almost completely in my past by this time, as well. But let's just say that for some time, it helped spin my general awkwardness around the other sex into something most people would have trouble imagining.

Another thing - your life goes through some significant changes once you leave school behind and start fending for yourself. My life now is nothing like it was in high school, or even for the first several months after the end of high school. And by those time periods, I still hadn't had a first relationship, either. Honestly, most people who do have a high school relationship will end up losing it, probably before high school even ends. Realistically, though, a lot of them will fail just because going from high school to adulthood is a major goddamn change that can often leave you no room to hold on to anything else as you desperately try to become a "real" adult. Would be nice to have a storybook romance with a childhood friend, but most of the people who ended up with a "head start" on you in that department end up in your shoes anyway. Difference being that they have a higher chance to have a child they can barely afford to care for.

[Nyzer]

the worst character ending is probably Hanako's bad ending.

Hm, for some reason, I pegged Shizune and Emi's to be worse. Hanako's bad ending is... well, I've had worse fights with friends and family that I've later patched up; the issue there is that it mostly just shuts down the romance option because it affects how Hisao feels for her. Hanako was in a bad emotional state and flipped out when he was being pushy... Not really that uncommon in the real world. I seem to recall a topic on that very subject, speculating on what Hisao could do to "recover" the relationship from that fight. Shizune's ending alienates Hisao, Shizune, and Misha from each other, right as school ends and they all go their separate ways forever, and pushes them all into depression. Emi's ending has Hisao in decent physical shape, but in a terrible emotional state, especially as unlike Shizune's route, this one wasn't really his fault at all, and he doesn't even understand what in hell is going on to cause all this bullshit anyway.
At least Hanako's and Lilly's leave Hisao with existing friendships to fall back on, plus the chance to let things calm down somewhat in Hanako's case. And Rin's has her pursuing her art career, something she loses out on in her good ending. Whether that's good or bad in general depends on how similar you think she is to the last person to paint in that room...

In fact, playing the game, there were numerous times when I wish I could have done things differently than Hisao did, that I KNOW I would have done differently if it was me in his shoes.

Hanako's bad ending...

Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: I'd... rather not.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: Hisao, please.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: No.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: Look, just go for your walk on your own, okay? Really, I don't want to go.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: Stop.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: Would. You just. Stop. Please.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: FUCK OFF! WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT JUST LEAVING ME THE HELL ALONE ALREADY? I DON'T NEED A WHITE KNIGHT TREATING ME LIKE A FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD, NOT YOU OR LILLY, I JUST NEED SOME TIME ALONE! GET OUT ALREADY!
Hisao: (Well, now I don't love her anymore.)
Me: *facepalm*

[ArazelEternal]

the worst character ending is probably Hanako's bad ending.

Hm, for some reason, I pegged Shizune and Emi's to be worse. Hanako's bad ending is... well, I've had worse fights with friends and family that I've later patched up; the issue there is that it mostly just shuts down the romance option because it affects how Hisao feels for her. Hanako was in a bad emotional state and flipped out when he was being pushy... Not really that uncommon in the real world. I seem to recall a topic on that very subject, speculating on what Hisao could do to "recover" the relationship from that fight. Shizune's ending alienates Hisao, Shizune, and Misha from each other, right as school ends and they all go their separate ways forever, and pushes them all into depression. Emi's ending has Hisao in decent physical shape, but in a terrible emotional state, especially as unlike Shizune's route, this one wasn't really his fault at all, and he doesn't even understand what in hell is going on to cause all this bullshit anyway.
At least Hanako's and Lilly's leave Hisao with existing friendships to fall back on, plus the chance to let things calm down somewhat in Hanako's case. And Rin's has her pursuing her art career, something she loses out on in her good ending. Whether that's good or bad in general depends on how similar you think she is to the last person to paint in that room...

In fact, playing the game, there were numerous times when I wish I could have done things differently than Hisao did, that I KNOW I would have done differently if it was me in his shoes.

Hanako's bad ending...

Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: I'd... rather not.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: Hisao, please.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: No.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: Look, just go for your walk on your own, okay? Really, I don't want to go.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: Stop.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: Would. You just. Stop. Please.
Hisao: Hanako, let's go outside.
Hanako: FUCK OFF! WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT JUST LEAVING ME THE HELL ALONE ALREADY? I DON'T NEED A WHITE KNIGHT TREATING ME LIKE A FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD, NOT YOU OR LILLY, I JUST NEED SOME TIME ALONE! GET OUT ALREADY!
Hisao: (Well, now I don't love her anymore.)
Me: *facepalm*

Is that word for word from her bad ending, or a paraphrase? I dont ever plan to get her bad ending, so its fine if its a real spoiler.

[Nyzer]

Paraphrase. Hanako is shut up in her room, and Lilly has already made a point of telling Hisao that she will be fine, that he should worry more about himself and not about trying to get her to come out, as she's done this before. Lilly doesn't outright say that Hanako just needs some time alone to sort things out (or maybe she does? can't remember) but, well.
The difference between the neutral and the bad ending is basically whether Hisao is as much of a pushy moron about it. In the neutral, he goes to her room just to bring her supper and give her some company. In the bad, he's determined as hell to get her out of her room. And she does not want to go anywhere right now. Neutral has Hanako asking him if he'll play chess, and he inner-monologues about how their relationship will "probably always" be this way, just two friends. Given that they seem to have several months left in classes and both of them are clearly crushing on the other, that doesn't seem so likely to me, but the point is that Hanako doesn't make a move on him like she does in the good ending. Not as early on anyway. But the bad ending - he's so pushy about getting her to leave her room that she does flip out on him. She carries survivor's guilt, she mourns her parents, she reveals that she hates how she needs to be treated so gently, and Hisao is just. Making. It. Worse. He's in there telling her to do something she doesn't want to do and outright ignores her increasingly aggressive requests to leave until she has had enough of his babying treatment. Then when he is finally walking away, his inner monologue talks about how she's not who he thought she was, and how he feels a little bit sickened by it. Which is... understandable enough for immediate emotions, but like I said, I've seriously seen worse happen in friendships. It's not something that couldn't be at least mostly recovered - but given the time they have left at Yamaku, it probably does shut the door to her heart for good.

[Axelownz]

Hey guys, was at a wedding this weekend, exhausted now since my schedule is so thrown off working nights, and was a pretty horrible weekend because of that. Will read some more tomorrow and respond back, but i am back....probably not noticed i was gone but still, thought i would update....was a nice wedding, though kind of makes me wanna meet someone, get married and start a family. ^_^

[introfate]

Ehh sorry everyone, I've been a bit quiet recently. I've read all the posts since but I've been at a loss of words for awhile now, a couple days at least. I can't make odds and ends of it right now, hard to explain but I'm a bit distraught about something. I can't figure it out though. I mean hell, I've practiced my own means of a solution but the question alone remains a mystery. I mean hell, today I took a walk around the strip. I watched human interactions, I was alone but I'm sure that wasn't the reasoning for such. It's an unsolved mystery to myself and that's just a scary thought alone. Who knows more about me than myself? This feeling, it's eating away at me.

Aside from that, I received correspondence from that girl I mentioned early. She was actually pleased to see my email, but learning more about what has happened in the span of time since I last spoken to her. I feel as if I was the one who caused her to go in that direction. She says she doesn't remember much these days, that alone worries me.

As blunt as I hate to be, I'm the one that meant more than anyone else in her life at the time, and to discontinue as I had. I'm the one who made her resort to isolation.


Edit:

I will most likely take a few days to reflect, I'll continue to read daily but I won't be giving advice as I had done prior.

Edit2: I spoke with her for another hour, she's built as heavy of a facade as I have except she's shut me out too, she likes to play the happy, smiley girl with this facade, I apologized to her for what I did in the past, nothing I said changed her tone. It was almost as if it was scripted. it was a very odd encounter, i spilt my emotions she acted as if there wasn't anything pressing at the time.

I am indeed taking a few days.

[Unforgiven]

@erenussocrates: Thanks for sharing your story. My parents are divorced too so I know it can be rough. I remember that I was... crazy?... when my parents divorced. I had really bad temper and I would just start fighting with anyone who was near me. But im over it. And seems like your over it too, good job.

And for anyone who is having trouble with girls, I just rememberd what my dad once told me about girls: "just go talk with them". And I only just realised how wise words those are.

I just got my first real job today. It's only 2 week summer job, but im actually really exited about it.

[Meower]

.

[Kouryuu]

@Erenussocrates - Thank you for you story, you are awsome by just posting here <3. Others have said it better than I ever could, your life is never pointless. It all depends how you look at it and you are the only one who can change that.

@Axelownz - Thats ok, take your time ^^.

@introfate - I would like to hope she is just happy, I cant really judge from here though. If not then give her some time. The most important thing is to keep your own head, which is really hypocritical of me to say...