I was in a psychosomatic clinic for my depressions, social phobia and binge eating disorder. It was good, learned a lot.
I met a woman in the same station of the clinic. Older than me but i couldn't care less, she seemed the nicest and lovliest person. Just before she left (she was already longer there when i arrived) i got my guts together and told her about my feelings. Not too specific, but it was a good call. We stayed in contact over phone (was too far for visiting trips) even after i left the clinic some weeks later.
Fast forward 3 month, we talked on the phone 2-4 times a week, quite personal stuff and it seemed to get going into the right direction. But the last 2 or 3 calls i recognized she wasn't as cheerful anymore. Not that she was always happy, she has depressions too after all, but something was up.
She stopped answering my calls and messages. After 2 weeks trying i got her once and it was a short talk, that she is not feeling good lately, lots of problems, and that she needs some time for herself. I agreed to give her 2 weeks and not call.
That was the last i ever heard. I tried for weeks to contact her. Nothing.
It doesn't even hurt that much that she ceased contact, but so bluntly without any reason given, any hint at what was going on, if there was anything i could have done.
That was last November. I still think every day about her.
I've seen the fantastic Sabrina Benaim - "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"-video a while ago, and it got really to me. Today i was in thoughts and remembered the video, and then i thought i should write down what was going through my mind. I feel the urge to share it, though i am anxious if it's not any good or makes sense.
But if i wanted to share it anyway i thought this place here would be the best to find someone it resonates with.
It's past 3 a.m. here and i don't want to go to bed.Insomnia?
It happens every night, very late when i am sitting in front of my PC, read everything interesting on FB, played my games to an extend they got boring or exhausting.
But i am not tired enough. I have that lump, that stone in my stomach.
I sit there late night and don't want to sleep, because i want do do soemthing.
I need to do something.
Take my mind off those thoughts that creep up now, now that i am not distracted, not busy.
Not "being alone", it's not the same.
I don't need company, i like being alone.
But i don't like being lonely.
It's the thoughts about the empty side of the bed.
The empty place opposite of where i sit in the kitchen, eating or prepping food.
The emptiness of the place beneath the mirror in the bathroom, enough for at least one other persons utensils besides mine.
The empty, cold place on the couch next to where i would sit, if i would ever sit down on the couch to watch something on TV or even just sit there.
I don't, it all doesn't distract me enough anymore from the empty spot.
Emptyness, it's just the lack of something, how do you feel something not being there?
But there it is, the emptyness of all those places.
It's not about something just filling that spot physically.
I don't need a placeholder, i don't need nor want something to lean on just to lean on it...
I want something that feels like it belongs there.
The toothbrush under the mirror in the bathroom.
The jacket on the coat rack next to mine that smells of the perfume i like on the other person.
The damn ashtray on the coffee table.
I am a ex-smoker, i don't like smokers, but dammit, LET IT BE THE DAMN USED ASHTRAY.
Just let there be something that belongs there ... someone who belongs to me.
So i can go to bed when i am tired, and don't have to try to get my mind of the empty place until i nearly fall asleep in front of the PC.
And then go to sleep in an empty bed, where there is nothing to take my mind of the empty place next to me ...
... and then, not sleep.