So, with this recent little revival of this thread and events in my life, I've decided to post something as well. (Which you might've noticed since you're reading this
Well, where to start, late last year I decided to go back to school after I stopped going about a year ago now, and well, in the beginning, it went horrible, school itself wasn't that bad, but the two half days I was going completely drained me for the rest of the day and the following days, I was too tired to even game or watch anime, leaving me with only one good day in the week. (Thursday that is, I went to school on Friday and Monday)
After I got used to going to school again it all calmed down a bit until it only drained me for the rest of the day, I was still tired the rest of the week, but not to that degree.
But then, things started to go wrong in a different way, the class I was in started to get stressed as this is the year of the final exams for many in my class, I myself would do half this year and to remaining half next year, this was also the original plan last year before I broke down (I also made my first post here not long after that, but I've changed quite a lot since then). The stress of the class also got to me, even though I knew that I could easily pass the exams in terms of skills, I was unsure about the emotional side of it, whether or not I would freeze up during the exams, I know of myself that I wouldn't be able to overcome the embarrassment of failing an exam I should be able to do with ease, I can be a very proud person when it comes to intelligence and learning capabilities, and knowing all my friends did better than me even though I am, depending on the subject, the third most to the most intelligent. (God, this is hard for me to type, I feel like I'm being an arrogant asshole) This fear completely broke me down again, up 'till the point of not being able to think about school without wanting to kill myself (I've had suicidal thoughts for years now), because of this, I've decided (together with my parents and a counselor) that it would be best to stop going to school, before things would get worse, but now I'm once again in the hopeless position I was in last year, I have no future prospects, I know of myself I wouldn't be able to hold a job anyway, and I'm one of the "lucky" people who have a supportive family and good counselling and still is in a bad way, this is one of the most depressing things about it, I can't blame my surroundings for my continued problems, the only problem is me, my handicaps and personality, this has led me to conclude that I'm broken beyond repair by my life preceding all of this.
Another reason to quit was that I was actually dragging down the people around me, especially my mother, when I feel bad I can be horribly cruel and cold-hearted, almost to the level of a sociopath, once I made her cry just because she said something dumb, I attacked (verbally) her relentlessly and the only thing I felt while she was crying was satisfaction with the power that I can still exert over others...
After I came back to my senses, I just wanted to find the nearest bridge and jump off it, not that there are any high bridges nearby but you get point...
On a somewhat unrelated note, my physical health has been improving, I've taken on walking as a hobby in the time between my breakdown a year ago and Christmas this year, and I've been trying (passively) to eat less, it has worked quite well (I think), I know that I weighed about 160kg (352 pounds) last year and now I believe it's more around the 145 kg (319 pounds), I'm 1.97m (6 feet 7) tall so it's not as bad as it looks. The only thing is, my weight loss has triggered a lot of pimples (I think that's the English word for them) to appear all over my back and chest, and some on my face and legs, about every day a new one appears, some of them are quite painful, and they can be bloody annoying
Although on my last walk I noticed something that spooked me, I walked for about 3,6 km (just over 2 miles), at later stage of the walk, I felt a sharp pain in the left part of my chest, I didn't mention it to the person I was walking with, I felt the pain before, but I've always just ignored it, figuring it was just an irritated muscle or something, but this time I felt it while I was exerting myself, the pain wasn't particularly strong while breathing in or out, so that means it's probably not my lungs, so you can probably guess where this is going, although I'm quite sure it's nothing, I still fear that it might be my heart... Anyway, next time I go for a checkup for the meds, I'll mention it.
Anyway, thanks for reading this.