Hanako's Broken Heart Club

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kyuuen-zutto
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by kyuuen-zutto » Fri Apr 22, 2016 11:39 am

I'm thinking about joining a social anxiety club but I don't know if I belong there. Nothing feels right.
- The Worst Hisao Cosplayer Ever -

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SilvanaExile
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by SilvanaExile » Sun Apr 24, 2016 4:01 am

kyuuen-zutto wrote:I'm thinking about joining a social anxiety club but I don't know if I belong there. Nothing feels right.
Social anxiety can be quite the oxymoron: trying to address it requires doing exactly what triggers it... What seems to be the problem, though, my friend? I visit this forum occasionally and, like I said in my only other post (up to this point), I'm more than willing to listen to anyone who needs me to lend an ear.

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WolfWarrior
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by WolfWarrior » Sun Apr 24, 2016 6:19 pm

kyuuen-zutto wrote:I'm thinking about joining a social anxiety club but I don't know if I belong there. Nothing feels right.
Speaking as someone who shares your fears, joining a club is probably one of the worst things you can do, especially if you already don't feel right about it. What really helped me, and is still helping, is to slowly branch out your comfort zone. In particular for me, it was cosplay. The brilliant part about that is that you're not judged by who you are or how you look underneath.
My advice would be to find something you inherently feel comfortable with, and try to expand on that. Try and incorporate it as much as you can into your emotional growth. If that makes sense

Just my 2 yen.
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Different Kinds of Chemistry : Prologue currently being proofread and edited.

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SilvanaExile
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by SilvanaExile » Sun Apr 24, 2016 11:06 pm

The above poster's advice is spot-on. Addressing social anxiety is best done as a gradual process. Jumping head-first into a group will likely just alienate you and make the problem worse if the situation does not turn out the way you expected or wanted it to do so.

kyuuen-zutto
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by kyuuen-zutto » Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:12 am

One my issues is that doing things that I'm comfortable with are directly contributing to my current problems.

I have it great right now, but I'm also reaping the consequences of years and years of bad habits.

I'm technically a millenial (born after 1980 - not that old), and four months ago I suffered a heart attack when my front artery sealed up while I was taking a bike ride on a cold day.

A stent and four months of aggressive medication and I'm recovering to the point where I don't feel like I want to die after walking for 20 minutes, or being on my feet for 8 hours.

But right now, I find out that I'm living in a future that I created to suck. My work hours dropped off after my hospitalization, and even with a second job - I don't get hours lined up. It seems like both of the companies I work for are in perpetual starvation mode even though both companies sell awesome products. (Pizza and race car rides respectively.) I'm underemployed, socially and emotionally underdeveloped, running out of money (basically out of money after upcoming bills) - and I feel like I've already squandered the second chance I'm getting at life. I've lost contact with a friend who extended a massive opportunity to me - he doesn't seem to want to talk to me, messages sent to him are responded to with very short replies.

Even the news that I got a new job was met with a, 'K'. That was the last time I reached out to him.

I've gotten into fights with family, not physical - but I did things I'm not proud of. Guilt.

I've never been in a meaningful relationship. Or ANY relationship. Or a date, and I'm starting to get too old to really be a candidate to be with the age range of girls that I am comfortable with.

I . . just distrust a lot of people who I don't know, I just quickly assume that I don't meet their sky-high standards, or that I'm one of those people falling by the wayside because I'm driving my own life into ruin, or that they just don't really give a shit. This was only reinforced when I had my cardiac incident, where I was lying in the street and everyone passed by. Of course nobody has to stop and help. They really don't, and I expect nothing else.

The time after was the perfect opportunity to restart my life, but all I've managed to do was clean my room a little, talk to a few friends, stagger back into a job that a monkey could do, draw some things that are really terrible and secure a second job that doesn't call me, and stare at a girl at my first job who I asked out already, but ultimately got stiffed.

I went to a writing meetup and.. just felt completely embarrased the whole time I was there. I can barely manage a forum post, and these people are shooting to become professional authors.

I don't know what the fuck anymore, really. I'm so, so far from accomplishing or producing anything WORTH something and I burned up so much time.

Also, I've done cosplay.. it's fun, but I feel creepy and cheap doing it. It's a creepy and cheap costume that isn't really high grade.
- The Worst Hisao Cosplayer Ever -

Akagami
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Akagami » Wed Apr 27, 2016 1:56 pm

How 'bout that one:

So, if you remember my last post, hooray, i got in my first relationship. With the, for me, perfect girl. Last month has been the best of my entire life, even work has been more fun than ever. We mostly saw each other on weekends, she slept over 3-4 days straight almost every week and we had one laugh after the other. Been outside alot, doing stuff and so on.
But, and here comes the but already, I don't know if it's a good or a bad sign, but whenever she feels down, i feel down as well, and not just a bit. I lose all interest in anything or anyone and only wanna sleep and have the day be over as soon as possible (wich is hard if you have to work for another 6 hours and will be home no earlier than 6 p.m.).
It's a really disgusting feeling down in my stomach, like im about to vomit and cry at the same time.
Now this weekend we were planning on going to a small party, nothing too big, but yesterday, all of a sudden, she said she wants a few days by herself and does not know when we will see each other again. She won't really tell me why but she promised me it had nothing to do with me at all.
Now, my problem is, i don't know what i should think. My brain wants to think that she is thinking about breaking up because that seems like the most logical option, my heart wants to think she just feels down because of family issues or something because it can't be me because i can tell when she is lying, usually. My stomach just wants to stop eating out of anxiety that she might break up. And it wants to vomit out of anxiety that she's feeling worse than she is willing to tell me.

I'm beginning to think that i'm not made for emotions, these things just fuck me up all the time :/

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SilvanaExile
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by SilvanaExile » Sun May 01, 2016 3:42 am

Akagami wrote:How 'bout that one:

So, if you remember my last post, hooray, i got in my first relationship. With the, for me, perfect girl. Last month has been the best of my entire life, even work has been more fun than ever. We mostly saw each other on weekends, she slept over 3-4 days straight almost every week and we had one laugh after the other. Been outside alot, doing stuff and so on.
But, and here comes the but already, I don't know if it's a good or a bad sign, but whenever she feels down, i feel down as well, and not just a bit. I lose all interest in anything or anyone and only wanna sleep and have the day be over as soon as possible (wich is hard if you have to work for another 6 hours and will be home no earlier than 6 p.m.).
It's a really disgusting feeling down in my stomach, like im about to vomit and cry at the same time.
Now this weekend we were planning on going to a small party, nothing too big, but yesterday, all of a sudden, she said she wants a few days by herself and does not know when we will see each other again. She won't really tell me why but she promised me it had nothing to do with me at all.
Now, my problem is, i don't know what i should think. My brain wants to think that she is thinking about breaking up because that seems like the most logical option, my heart wants to think she just feels down because of family issues or something because it can't be me because i can tell when she is lying, usually. My stomach just wants to stop eating out of anxiety that she might break up. And it wants to vomit out of anxiety that she's feeling worse than she is willing to tell me.

I'm beginning to think that i'm not made for emotions, these things just fuck me up all the time :/
This is probably gonna be hard to swallow, but you're overthinking things. I've been suffering from this same exact tendency my whole life. And I've only recently started figuring out that many instances of misfortune I'd experienced through the course of my life (especially anything romantically-related) have all been self-fulfilling prophecies -- just me shooting myself in the foot because of my insecurities and misconceptions about other people.

Take it from me, man: just enjoy what you have and stop trying to read your partner's mind. You're gonna drive yourself crazy doing that and the only inevitable result becomes an eventual break up. This is because other people, particularly women/romantic interests, can smell insecurity from a mile away. And that is probably the least attractive quality you could show someone.

Be a positive force in her life. Support her and lift her up whenever she's down. No use wallowing in the depths of despair with her when you could, instead, be turning her day around for the better, right?

If you keep thinking that she's gonna break up with you, then you're already gearing yourself up for something that may not even be in the realm of reality. All that doom and gloom will drain you of energy and run you down. And you'll ultimately do what I've done all my life and unwittingly destroy your happiness with your own hands. She told you that her wish for solitude has nothing to do with you. So give your lady the trust she deserves and drive all your worries away. And if she betrays that trust -- well, let's just say you deserve someone that wouldn't do that to you.

Apologies if this sounded too critical. I understand that most of this is easier said than done. But it's gotta start somewhere, and I'd rather that people didn't have to learn things the hard way like I did. Good luck, sir!

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Charmant
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Charmant » Sun May 01, 2016 5:17 pm

Ugh, my head...

At long last filed our intent to move out of this apartment. Expected to have some decent timeframe to work with. Sneaky bullshit contract left us until May 31st because fuck-you-technical-garbage - And we get a $500 fee if we're still here.
Which wouldn't be so bad if father hadn't picked now to get infected wounds in his feet. Amidst circulation troubles of an unknown cause. He's got to bandage the wounds, change them at least once per day, go to the hospital daily for the next three weeks to have bits of tissue cut away with a scalpel and antibiotics IV-dripped into a thing in his arm (takes about a half-hour, apparently they're strong enough to eat straight through his veins if they just pump it all in quick). At some point, they're going to schedule a surgical procedure to determine the cause of his circulation issues and hopefully fix it up.

Worse case scenario, they find a blood clot, knock it loose and it goes straight to his heart/brain. Fatal or debilitating attack ensues.
Second-place worse case, they can't fix whatever it is and he loses at least some toes or at worst a leg.
And just to really drive home the bullshit, the car's on its last breaths of life on top of everything which is just great for the lengthy trips back and forth to the hospital that's about two hours away.
Anyway, fuck it, here's a fundraising page we set up. I'm going to bed.

On the brighter side: Once we get all this moving bullshit handled and he's not on the verge of possible amputation or death, I'll be closer to family and I've made plans to travel the country a bit. (Eventually - employment first for a while to raise the funds.)

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wheelman82
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by wheelman82 » Sun May 01, 2016 8:35 pm

well how to begin..

I'm an 18 years old boy from the Netherlands, I've got Autism Spectrum Disorder and some minor physical handicaps.
I go to a school with mostly physically handicapped, somewhat similar to Yamaku. (not the living at the school part and no blind or deaf persons there).

I was bullied at elementary school, but I was never beaten up that badly, that was due to my size as a kid the bullies wouldn't dare to come to close enough for me to actually hit them back but that didn't stop them from kicking me while on their bikes and riding off.
the last year of elementary, I went to a different school, a "special school" specifically for children with developmental disorders (like Autism, ADD & ADHD). I got my first friend I still hang out with today there (also autistic BTW). It was ironically worse than the my first school, I didn't get any intellectual(?) challenge there so I was always bored, and the bullying actually continued (just with different bullies).

After elementary, I went to a school specifically for higher-functioning autists, and even still the bullying continued. I had a near 1 year backlog because of the previous school.
The first half of the first year didn't go that well, but then I started making friends and it got better. But then I had to go to an annual school camp, didn't want to at first, because I couldn't handle situations in unfammiliar enviroments with people that I couldn't get with (still can't) but then I was convinced to well look forward to it (it was mandatory anyway).
But on the first night I couldn't get any sleep because the room above us didn't stop shouting and running around untill like 3 am (it was in an old farm building). As I didn't get any sleep that night, I was not in a good mood the following morning. and then the bullies started doing what they do good, and taunted me until I just ran away, they just followed me ofcourse. Worst of all the teachers just tolerated it, and later they practically defended the bullies and told me it was my own fault because I reacted to them. ofcourse at that point I couldn't just stay there and I was brought home by one of the accompanying parents who went home and lived not to far from us.
after that I didn't go to school for 2 weeks, but when I finally did go to school again. my homeroom(?) teacher told me and my mother that it was succesfull because I tried, I managed to hold myself together for the rest of the day. but when I got home the only thing I could do was go to bed hitting and kicking everything on the way to my room just to release some of my anger. this was followed by another week of not going to school.
After that I decided that I must not allow myself to be convinced to do things I know I can't deal with ever again.

The next year in school went reasonably well until the last 1/3 of the year when 1 of my 5 friends at school told us he was probably going to another school next year and that he would go to that school next week to try out (I didn't take it all that well but I don't think anyone noticed that back then). then at the end of the week he was at the other school I was told that he would stay there 1 more week, very much disheartend by that I accepted it (couldn't do much about it anyway). then at the end of the next week I was told he would stay there another week, this time I actually got pretty angry at him. the next week everyone (my parents, teachers and other school related people) assured me that he would come back the next week. Guess what I was told at the end of the week... Then everyone assured me he was gonna come back the next week I took a little bit more convincing this time but I actually believed them after a couple of days. eventually he never actually returned. as I relied on him alot at school (I was still getting bullied), I fell into a depression and slowly started to resent him and everyone that assured me he was coming back.

After that I decided that I can't trust anyone as they all lied to me, even my own parents and friends. I went to a psychiatrist got anti-depressants, and later I also got anti-psychotics. thanks to those wonderfull pills I gained ~40kg (~80 pounds) in weight within 3 months and they also slowed my reaction time considerably for about 1.5 years, until we reduced the amount and added ritalin to counter the side effects (everything I remember from back then is sort of hazy). but the ritalin had some nasty side effects: panic attacks and reversable heart and liver damage. 3 months after I started taking the ritalin we stopped all medications as we found out about the damage they did. after about 2 years of depression I got out it by going to the school were I'm currently going to. I actually started enjoying things for some time, the bullying stopped. And it was just alround better, I still couldn't go to school for more than half days.

until about a month ago I actually felt decent, but approaching the final exams and the stress level rising. I suddenly couldn't enjoy anything I did anymore, I was unable to do any homework or get any sleep at night, and fell into depression again. We tried to make an appointment with the psychiatrist but after 3 weeks of calling back and forth an "emergency" consultation was possible, that will be tommorow. but the exams start next week. but with me being unable to sleep properly combined with panic attacks, I think I may need to just accept that I won't be able to do the exams.
But there is one thing I can't decide on is wether or not to tell my friends what is wrong with me right now, they have noticed that something is wrong (with me being online less, and when I am I get easily annoyed to the point of rage quitting).
I just don't know how it would work out. I don't want to drag them down with me (2 of them already have had a depression or something simmilar).
I'm already dragging my parents down with me (I don't want to but there is no avoiding it), my father has already been depressed 2 or 3 times and my mother came close to it twice before.

Well that took 2 hours of typing...
And I was trying to keep it short...

Edit: okay I've been to the psychiatrist, got a prescription for risperidone and the recommendation* to not do the exams.

*not a literal recommendation as he didn't know enough about my situation and isn't allowed to make these recommendations with him being a psychiatrist and not a psychologist, but he said something along the lines of: "I can't recommend you to not do the exams, but it is understandable if you decide to not do them because of you're psychological condition."

Edit 2: I screwed up just now, I told my mother exactly what I didn't want to tell her. I told her that the only reason I still want to live is the hope that there will be something to live for later, and that I started to question if that reason is good enough for me...
This is all true, but I shouldn't have told her that, I feel a terrible guilt right now and really regret saying it.
I really do hate myself for this, and now I think I'm starting to go insane. I was hiding it on purpose because I knew it would only make things worse, and yet I said it...
It's like I want myself and everyone who cares about me to suffer...
All'n zull'n buig'n voar d'n grote en hellige keizer van Boorn!
All shall bow before the great and holy emperor of Borne!
God'n behoede onz'n keizer!
Gods save our emperor!

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Charmant
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Charmant » Mon May 02, 2016 11:16 pm

wheelman82 wrote:I don't want to drag them down with me
I'm already dragging my parents down with me
If they've had depression before, that's not on you.
If they're saddened by what you tell them, that's just empathy.
You're not dragging anyone into anything.

Apathy can be a side effect of stress. And a side effect of depression. There's nothing much for it though except to wait it out or try doing some new thing to jolt yourself out of it. The stress will probably drop after exams, and ideally the apathy will clear alongside it. I'd recommend an exercise routine or meditation. One's good for endorphins (among other things including overall mood), the other for calm.

Risperidone is an antipsychotic. For schizophrenia and bipolar symptoms, generally. And anxiety and irritability are, somewhat counter-productively, both possible side effects. I'm no psychiatrist but I'd say stick with them for a while but don't hesitate to quit if they don't seem to help anything.

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wheelman82
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by wheelman82 » Tue May 03, 2016 5:26 am

Charmant wrote:Risperidone is an antipsychotic. For schizophrenia and bipolar symptoms, generally. And anxiety and irritability are, somewhat counter-productively, both possible side effects. I'm no psychiatrist but I'd say stick with them for a while but don't hesitate to quit if they don't seem to help anything.
I believe the psychiatrist prescribed it because I do have trouble with mood changes and hurting myself when I'm pushed too far, in my previous depression I scratched off some skin on the back of my wrist just because I was angry with myself (a scar of that still remains after 3.5 years). I also have a tendency to hit myself in the back of the head or neck when I get angry. I think I do that as a means to control myself, just like I ran away from the bullies I didn't do it because I was afraid of them, but because I was afraid of what I would do if I lost control of myself...

The psychiatrist I go to is specialized in cases with Autism, and Risperidone is often used in cases involving depression and Autism (atleast here it is).
All'n zull'n buig'n voar d'n grote en hellige keizer van Boorn!
All shall bow before the great and holy emperor of Borne!
God'n behoede onz'n keizer!
Gods save our emperor!

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wheelman82
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by wheelman82 » Tue May 03, 2016 8:14 am

And now I realize I never said anything about my personality in my previous posts...

Well then, as I stated previously I'm 18 years old, live in the Netherlands, autistic and have some minor physical handicaps.

well as most other people describe me:
I'm nice, honest, calm, cynical and caring

my own views on these descriptions:

nice: that could be true.
honest: not at all, I've become so good at hiding my emotions to most people, I can be furious while in class and only those who know me very well would notice. Most of my social life I'm acting like I don't have opinions or don't mind certain things, while I most definitely do have strong opinions and hatred for many things, but I don't see a reason to disrupt the situation with my frustrations. Around my friends I'm a lot more honest then around my classmates though.
calm: well yes, I can be very calm, but many times I fake it, I can look relaxed on the outside while feeling so bad that I can't do anything properly.
cynical: yeah, that one I fully agree with.

caring: here it becomes complicated, I do care about how my friends feel, but many times I'm too scared to support them. For instance: about a year ago a situation in class got a little out of hand, my friend, who I've been friends with for about 7 years, he is also autistic and has a tendency to freeze up if put under too much pressure. he is one of the most dedicated workers I know if he has been given a task he will finish it, no matter what. In this instance he somehow didn't know he had a test. It was only a minor test that didn't carry any weight, it was just to test he had mastered a certain skill.
As soon as the teacher told him about the test, I saw him panicking, he tried to explain why he didn't know about it. But the teacher wouldn't have it, and she started saying things like how this isn't tolerable for Havo-students (Havo is the 2nd highest division of learning in the Netherlands), that he won't get through the exams like this and that it was above all else disrespectfull to her. I was sitting next to him, and I saw he had completely frozen up, his face was turning red and his breathing became very loud and fast. I didn't know what to do, he is my friend and I should back him up, but I knew once I would give in to emotions there is no stopping it. so I settled to saying: "This isn't going to help anyone" to the teacher. She wasn't too happy with me saying that, and said: "I know what I'm doing and you shouldn't get involved in this". luckily she didn't go lecturing me about disrespect.
After a couple of minutes she backed off, I looked at my friend again and saw him crying. I hated myself for being a coward and not defending him. The remainder of the week he didn't show up at school and the following weeks he only went half days to school and skipped all classes with that teacher. I later found out that the teacher in question was "specialized" in dealing with Autism, wasn't all too convincing as I do know that once someone feezes up it is only counterproductive to keep pressuring them.
After I got home I went upstairs and sat on the bed ashamed and feeling guilty, I just started hitting the back of my head against the wall until i got dizzy and couldn't sit up straight anymore. I currently still feel guilty about all this, knowing that if something like this happend again, I would act the same...

And about me hiding things I have an example how good I'm at it. I was in class we had gotten an assignment 2 weeks earlier to make a video about a certain thing, I had already told the teacher I wasn't going to be able to do the assignment explaning why I couldn't she agreed to let me skip the assignment. But as it was a guest(?) lesson (not a teacher at the school, but someone who worked in a certain sector) the guest teacher didn't know about it and the actual teacher had completely forgotten that she let me skip it, I was asked why I didn't do it. I panicked and couldn't say why (the reason was kinda personal), then the 2 teachers started lecturing me about being lazy, and unmotivated. And later a fellow student joined in saying that it was disrespectfull and my behaviour was childish. While all this was going I was looking down at the table. my heart was beating way too fast, I felt every muscle in my body tensing, my breathing became heavy. I tried to stay calm managed to do it for about 5 minutes, but then I lost it: I stood up, toppling my desk and the chair in the process, I made my way to the door, my classmates getting out of the way as fast as they could, I noticed one looked like he feared for his life. I managed to get the door open and smashed it closed as hard as I could and made my way to a room used for meetings between parents and teachers knowing it would be empty, sat down and just tried to calm myself down.
after sitting there for about half an hour the teacher came after she realized how badly she screwed up, I told her to leave me alone. about 15 minutes later a therapist at the school came to asking if I wanted to go home, I said yes, managed to hide my emotions again looking like I calmed down while in reality I was still boiling with anger, my mother picked me up at school and asked me what happend after I got in to the car, I lost it again hitting the dashboard in the car so hard I managed to bruise all my fingers on my right hand, I couldn't write properly for about a week.
I later found out that of the 14 classmates I have only 2 noticed me getting upset while getting lectured, one of them being the friend from the previous story. this was also the first time I had an outburst of this caliber at this school, on the previous school it was a once in 2 weeks occurence at least. later I got angry at myself for trusting a teacher in this matter, I could have seen it coming, but I wasn't at my usual alertness at the time.

While reading KS later Hanako's panic attack reminded me of this, and how I have been in the past. It started me thinking about why I can't handle these things, I sadly didn't get to any awnser. But I did realize one thing in all 18 years I've been this way I learned to avoid or deal with many of my problems, but this is one I never got over. after that (not because of it though) I started occupational therapy for that I had to fill in a list of problems and later talk about them with the therapist. This has confronted me with a long list of problems I still can't deal with: being oversensetive to light, touch, smell, taste, sound and temperature; being afraid of crowds of people, a reduced proprioception and balance and many more. This made me realize how much of a mess I am, I can't even be around 5 of my friends for more then 3 hours before a headache starts to kick in. This along with the stresses of school, pushed me over the edge and back into depression.

Edit: Who I really am: (just a heads up, much of personality kinda conflicts with itself)

I like to think of myself as a realist, though I'm propably more of a pessimist.

I'm a semi pacifist, I try to avoid conflict if at all possible but I do have a tendency to start arguments with people who have a different opinion.

I have a strong tendency to overthink things, but usually prefer the simplest option over anything else.

I often get lost in negative thought trains that end up getting me annoyed, sad or angry. I play a lot of video games to prevent this from happening, because when something demands my attention I can't think about anything else. This however has had the nasty side effect of people coming to the conclusion that I'm addicted to them.

I used to be a hardcore perfectionist (as in, it is never good enough), this luckily changed into a more normal form of perfectionism.

When I was younger I was very trusting person, but when I got depressed 4 years ago this naivety changed into bitter cynicism and now I don't trust anyone anymore.

I think I'm a very forgiving person to most others, and I usually try to make excuses for them in my head. But towards myself I can't forgive anything, a lot of the mistakes I made in life still haunt me today, even if they are very minor- or perfectly normal mistakes (this includes things like calling someone the wrong name, even if they happend years ago). But even I can't forgive some "things" that people did, these "things" are mostly from when I was still very trusting and mostly have to do with the bullying, more specifically how people reacted to the bullying.

I'm a very insecure person, for example: I have good navigational skills, but often I'm too afraid of screwing something up to use them, so I get lost and get panic attacks.

I really can't handle being scolded (probably due to the things I mentioned earlier) this can send me into a panic attack very quickly, I can handle most normal criticism as long as it is said calmly (not angrily).

I get obsessed with things for a short time and then get bored of them. Luckily for me I have a broad taste in many things (ironically not food though...), because of this I play: real-time- and turn-based strategy games, grand strategy games, games, shooters, RPG's and the occasional simulation game.
In terms of music I prefer marches above all else, but I also listen to: classical music, (hard)rock, occasionally jazz and heavy metal. I don't mind most other music, I only (really) dislike rap, hiphop and most modern pop.

I have many minor traumas from my panic attacks and such, luckily the use of EMDR therapy has allowed me to think back at many of the more severe ones without re-experiencing the emotions and the panic as much.

I apologize for the huge walls of text, as I said I'm a perfectionist and don't want to leave any "major" detail out...
All'n zull'n buig'n voar d'n grote en hellige keizer van Boorn!
All shall bow before the great and holy emperor of Borne!
God'n behoede onz'n keizer!
Gods save our emperor!

ArmedLiberal
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2014 3:23 am

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by ArmedLiberal » Sat May 07, 2016 8:07 pm

So, it's been almost a year since I last posted. Time really flies! Let's do a general update:

I'm out of the ankle boot. I was running for a month, and my left knee started having issues. That turned into me wearing a brace and walking with a cane. An MRI and a joint injection later, I think I might be ready to start again.

I'm finishing my second to last semester for my BAS this week. Then it's 9 credits in 10 weeks over the summer, and I'm done.

It turns out that the calculation for GPA in the Central Application Service for Physician Assistants (CASPA) is a bit more arcane than I once thought. They don't recognize academic forgiveness, and they don't just take the highest grade earned in a class—they count each and every attempt. They also want one's entire post-secondary career. Because I was previously undiagnosed with ADHD, and I was young and stupid in college, CASPA calculates my GPA to be 1.71 (even though it's been 3.29 since February 2013). I was told I would be wasting my time applying to the UW physician assistant program. So, that's pretty much out the window.

I'm looking at making a move into law enforcement, but I have to get in shape. I've got to be able to run a 1.5 mile course in 16:57, a 300m run in 68 seconds, an Illinois agility run in 19.5 seconds, make a 14-inch vertical jump, do 30 sit-ups, and 23 push-ups. I might also have to be able to bench press 83% of my weight (presently, 205 pounds, and hopefully less as time goes on). I have contacts in municipal and county government, but that may not be enough. The big thing, though, is that this path feels right.

My older stepson had a daughter, and she'll be a year old on Friday. We were going to go see them next weekend, but my commencement is on Saturday. So, we're talking about going at another time in the near future.

My younger stepson starts high school in the fall. Where did five years go?

My wife is having increased issues with MS, and she's filing for SSDI. She has pretty constant muscle tension & pain in her inner gluteals. Baclofen and tizanidine help, but not enough. We're waiting to hear back results from neuropsych testing and an MRI she had on the 4th. I'm concerned that it's going to reveal a conversion to secondary progressive MS.

That's pretty much what's been happening in my life, mina-san.
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YutoTheOrc
Posts: 296
Joined: Sat Aug 24, 2013 9:43 pm
Location: Canada

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by YutoTheOrc » Mon May 09, 2016 3:06 am

It turns out that the calculation for GPA (CASPA) is a bit more arcane than I once thought. They don't recognize academic forgiveness, and they don't just take the highest grade earned in a class—they count each and every attempt. Because I was previously undiagnosed with ADHD, and I was young and stupid in college, CASPA calculates my GPA to be 1.71 (even though it's been 3.29 since February 2013). I was told I would be wasting my time applying to the UW physician assistant program. So, that's pretty much out the window.
First of all fuck those people who told you that it would be a waste of time, I'd say go for it and try to email them and talk to them about your situation. As cynical as I am about people in this world, as I've gotten older the more forgiving I realised they actually are. I had a similar problem with transferring universities and once I emailed them and announced my problems they were more than willing to help, and for that I'm thankful. Congrats on your 3.29!(What I feel is your true score since you worked for it). I don't know what the situation is for academic legislation and updating all that stuff in America, but it sounds like it definitely needs to be addressed, especially when most of education is figuring out what works for you and what doesn't.
I'm looking at making a move into law enforcement, but I have to get in shape.The big thing, though, is that this path feels right.
If it truly feels right to you, go for it, but try to keep your options open with trying to email the UW PAP. As for the getting shape, it's not as hard as people say, it just commitment and passion, you sound like you have the latter part so that's good! :D

As for your Stepson's daughter, congratulations! I hope you have an excellent time at her first birthday party and a good time at your commencement on Saturday.

I really hope that things work out for you and your wife(especially with her MS), hopefully modern medicine can do so much as help her try to maintain a good life. One of my best friend's mothers has MS and it's in the early stages and It's not an easy dose to handle for anyone. We can only hope that it doesn't progress and simply stays the same.

Hope everything works out for you buddy, seriously, you sound like you've had a rough go.

ArmedLiberal
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2014 3:23 am

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by ArmedLiberal » Mon May 09, 2016 9:52 pm

YutoTheOrc wrote:
First of all fuck those people who told you that it would be a waste of time, I'd say go for it and try to email them and talk to them about your situation. As cynical as I am about people in this world, as I've gotten older the more forgiving I realised they actually are. I had a similar problem with transferring universities and once I emailed them and announced my problems they were more than willing to help, and for that I'm thankful. Congrats on your 3.29!(What I feel is your true score since you worked for it). I don't know what the situation is for academic legislation and updating all that stuff in America, but it sounds like it definitely needs to be addressed, especially when most of education is figuring out what works for you and what doesn't.
Well, that's the rub, isn't it? I was speaking to the student status examiner for the program (you know, the person who determines if students are qualified). She was very nice about it, and said that it wasn't really fair to me, but they had 1200 applicants this year (and I don't know how many seats they have in the program, but I imagine it is less than 100). Quite simply, they don't have to care because it is one of the most competitive programs in the state. The university sets its own policy, and as long as it is not discriminatory, it's kosher. Setting a minimum bar for GPA, and then consistently applying it is not discriminatory. I understand they could have special dispensation for unusual cases (such as mine), but they are not required to do so. Yes, I was affected by a learning disability that negatively impacted my grades, but even if they didn't take that into account, I probably wouldn't get in, anyway—she said that to be competitive, I would really need a 3.5 GPA.

Yes, I could try to go to a school out of state, but that would mean leaving my wife to fend for herself and my younger stepson (her son), The divorce agreement between my wife and her ex-husband says that neither parent will move out of the area and retain placement of my stepson without consent of the other parent… and his father is a d-bag. tl;dr They can't move out of the area. We can barely afford to have one household, let alone two. Going out of state is out of the question.
YutoTheOrc wrote: If it truly feels right to you, go for it, but try to keep your options open with trying to email the UW PAP. As for the getting shape, it's not as hard as people say, it just commitment and passion, you sound like you have the latter part so that's good! :D

As for your Stepson's daughter, congratulations! I hope you have an excellent time at her first birthday party and a good time at your commencement on Saturday.

I really hope that things work out for you and your wife(especially with her MS), hopefully modern medicine can do so much as help her try to maintain a good life. One of my best friend's mothers has MS and it's in the early stages and It's not an easy dose to handle for anyone. We can only hope that it doesn't progress and simply stays the same.

Hope everything works out for you buddy, seriously, you sound like you've had a rough go.
I know that the PA program path is closed to me. I haven't felt so sure that I've been on the right path since when I enlisted in the US Air Force. I've made my peace with this roadblock, and I am laying my trust in the Universe/gods/whatever that I'm being pushed along to right where I need to be, and right where I belong. Yes, I have had a rough go of it; that's pretty much the story of my life, so I'm used to it.

Thank you for the well wishes. Make sure your friend's mom (and your friend) get enough Vitamin D3. There have been a couple of interesting studies showing that 10,000 IU of cholecalciferol (the actual name of Vit. D3) is safe and effective (here, and here). Further, a couple of studies have shown that higher blood levels of Vitamin D3 (within reason) seems to lower the frequency of relapses.

I hope everything is well for you, also.
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So, apparently my sig was too long… so I cut it down, but I used the opportunity to expound upon—and add to—my original signature.

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